Stare Jokes

Following is our collection of Stare funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include dirty puns, clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best Stare jokes

Hey girl, are you the SAT?

Because I'd do you for 3 hours and 45 minutes, with a 10 minute break in between for snacks. Then I'd stare at you for another 5-10 minutes thinking, "Wow, I really hope I don't screw this up."

Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window.

If it gets any worse ill need to let her back in.

Don't stare at a glass of water

Take a pitcher it'll last longer

What does the sun and cleavage have in common?

You can look at both for a second, but if want to stare you need to wear sunglasses.

The wife has done nothing but stare through the f**king window since it started snowing.

If it gets any worse i might have to let her in.

Boobs are like the sun.

You can stare at em longer if you're wearing sunglasses.

I have this weird compulsion to stare at seaweed

I desperately need to see kelp

I have recently become a new man

I don't drink, i smoke very rarely, i don't stare at girls, i go to sleep early, i wake up early and I work hard everyday. My supervisors are happy with me. I will definitely abandon this lifestyle once i get out of jail.

What's one thing that women hate more than being stared at?

When you stare at the woman standing next to them.

That's my original for the year!

Some nights I just lie down and stare up at the stars and I wonder

what happened to my roof

An over the shoulder stare followed by a seductive wink is one of the sexiest things in the world.

Not during a rectal exam though!

"I'm gonna treat you like I treat my homework"

"Oh, you're going to slam me on your desk and do me all night?"

"No, I'm going to stare at you and think there's so many better things I could be doing..."

A man walks into a bar....

...sits down, orders a beer, and begins to gaze longingly at the barmaid. The barmaid hands him the beer, returns the stare and says...

"Take a pitcher, it'll last longer."

Two british men are sitting at a bus stop...

When a man, clearly not from their town, comes up towards them.

"Parlez-vous Français?" The man asks the two Brits.

Confused, they stare blankly at the foreigner.

"Hablan ustedes EspaΓ±ol?" The man tries again - still no reaction from the two men.

Frustrated, the foreigner tries one more time.

"Sprechen sie Deutsch?"

but the two men at the bus stop still have no clue what he's saying, and the foreigner storms off in a huff.

A couple seconds later, one of the men sitting on the bench turns to the other and says, "We should probably learn a language."

The other man turns to him and says, "Why? He knew three, and it didn't do him any good!"

Having a crush on someone is like solving a math problem.

If you know you can't get it, all you can do is just stare at it.

This punker gets on a bus and takes a seat.

His hair's all green, he's got brightly colored tattoos covering his arms and piercings all over his face. Feathers hang from each earlobe. Across the aisle sits an old man who proceeds to stare at him for the next fifteen miles. Eventually the punker gets pretty unnerved and blurts out:

Hey man, didn't you do anything crazy when you were young?

Without missing a beat, the old man replies:

Yeah, when I was in the Navy, I got drunk one night in Singapore and had sex with a Bird of Paradise. I was just wondering if you were my son.

--------------------------------------------
From Mark Z. Danielewski's "House of Leaves".

Q: why did the blond stare at her orange juice for 2 hours?

A: because it said "concentrate"

A blind man walks in to a department store

A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash.

As usual the store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, but he notices the customer is blind, and not wanting to stare quickly looks away again.

Out of the corner of his eye the manager sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash.

Shocked, the manager runs over and says "Mister is there a problem - is there anything I can help you with?"

The blind man calmly replies "No thanks - I'm just looking around."

A boy was nervous about his first date

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, and so went to his father for advice.

"My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then remembers his father's advice and asks the girl,

"Do you like potato pancakes?"

"No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket.

"Do you have a brother?"

"No."

After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card:

"If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

I've been married for 20 years,

and I still carry a photo of my wife in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life I stare at her picture, and it comforts me knowing that...

If I survived that long married to her, I can survive anything.

Bob and Jim in Paris

Two Americans, Bob and Jim, are on vacation in Paris. They're walking down the street, when a car pulls up, slamming on the brakes. The driver leans out.

"Parlez vous Francais?"

Bob looks at Jim and shrugs.

"Habla EspaΓ±ol?"

The two men just stare.

"Parli Italiano?"

No answer. The man throws his hands up and then drives away.

They walk on a bit farther, and then Bob says to Jim, "You know, we should learn another language."

"Why?" Jim asks. "That guy knew three languages and it didn't do him any good!"

People say that there is always one wierd person on the bus, but I don't get it.

I travel by bus everyday and I never see any wierd people. Everyone looks normal. It doesn't matter how long I stare at them.

A midwife calls a doctor

Doctor she's been in labor for 36 hours we need to do a c section.
Not so fast, says the doctor there's one more thing to try

He goes to the obviously pained mother to be and says what do you call maids in space.

After the woman gives him a blank stare the doctor says Vacuum cleaners

Upon hearing this joke the woman cringes so hard that she expels the healthy crying baby.

Releived the new mother says Thank you doctor but that's the worst joke I ever heard

The doctor smiled and said the punchline sucks but the delivery was perfect

Languages

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.

Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen? he asks. The two Americans just stare at him.

Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais? he tries. The two continue to stare. Parlare Italiano? No response.

Hablan ustedes Espanol? Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first American turns to the second and says,
Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.

Why? says the other. That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good.

A guy asks a cute brunette with glasses at the library if he could sit with her

The sweet looking student responded loudly, "I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU."

All the other students at the library stare at the guy. Some of the other women even make nasty faces at the guy. His face turned red in embarrassment.

After about an hour, the girl walks up to the guy and says, "I'm a psych major, and I know what you were thinking. And, you felt embarrassed, didn't you."

The guy, in a loud brash voice replies, "$200 FOR ONE NIGHT WITH YOU? THAT'S JUST TOO MUCH."

All the students stare at the girl in shock. The guy whispers to her, "I study Law, and I know how to make someone feel guilty."

Been married for 20 years

Been married for 20 years, but I still carry my wife's picture in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life, I take out my wallet and stare at her picture. And It comforts me knowing that... If I survived being married to this psycho, I can survive anything.

Why did the chicken stare at a piece of lettuce?

Because chicken sees a salad.

Why did the blonde stare at the Ford?

It said Focus.

The foreign tourist

Hank and Frank are walking down the street. A flustered-looking guy comes up to them and asks,

"Parlez-vous français?" (Do you speak French?)

They stare at him. He tries again,

"Sprechen Sie Deutsch?" (Do you speak German?)

They shrug.

"Hablas espaΓ±ol?" (Do you speak Spanish?)

Nope.

"Parli italiano?" (Do you speak Italian?)

They shrug again, the man gives up and leaves.

Hank says, "maybe we should learn a foreign language."

Frank notes, "that guy knew 4 and look what good it did him."

A man walks up to a hotel counter to check out.

The woman at the counter notices his bulge, and can't help but stare at it. The man asks what are you doing? The woman says I'm checking you out.

There were two elderly people living in a nursing home...

Let's call them Fred and Ethel. Now both Fred and Ethel were widowers and got quite lonely. They would just go about their day, seemingly down all the time because their companion was no longer with them. Both of them would just stare vacantly at the tv watching reruns of older shows. One day, Fred walks up to Ethel and says, "Would you like to watch tv together?" Ethel looks up with a smile and says, "Yes."

While they are watching tv, Fred asks Ethel if she would put her hand on his lap. He says that by doing this they can both feel that long lost connection of another human being. Ethel obliges but states that in no way would it lead to sex or anything of that sort. Fred seems fine with the arrangement. A week goes by and they watch tv together that way when one day Ethel succumbs to pneumonia. She is taken to the hospital and given antibiotics. She returns a week later to find Fred watching tv with another woman, Ruth.

Devastated, she walks up to Fred and exclaims, "I can't believe this is happening. I thought we had something special Fred." Fred stammers out an apology. Ethel asks, "What is it that she has that I don't, Fred?" to which he replies, "Parkinson's."

When people ask me what I do for a living I just tell them I'm a senior analyst

It sounds better than saying I just stare at old people all day

How do you know if an introvert likes you when you're talking to them?

They'll stare at your shoes instead of theirs.

Never stare at a dog with a prosthetic foot...

...it's a faux paw.

An elderly gentleman sits on a park bench.

On the opposite bench sits a young punk. With his multi\-colored mohawk and facial tattoos, he presents quite a spectacle for the older man, who can't help but to stare incredulously. Finally, the young punk has had enough of the elderly man's staring.

"What's your problem, old man?" yells the punk. "Didn't you ever do anything wild and rebellious?"

"Oh, for sure, for sure," replies the old man. "Many years ago, I got drunk and made love to a parrot."

"You see?" replies the punk. "So what are you staring at me for?"

"My apologies," the old man answers, "I was actually just wondering if you might not be my son."

Joseph Stalin is walking through a small town when he came upon a little girl

Joseph Stalin was walking through a small town when he came upon a little girl sitting in the doorway of a house. He smiled at her and said "Little girl, do you know who I am?"
The little girl gives him a blank stare.
"You really don't know? I'm the one who gave you everything you have!"
The little girl's face lights up, and she runs into the house shouting "Mum! Mum! Uncle Ivan is home from America!"

What's the difference between an introverted scientist and an extroverted scientist?

An extroverted scientist will stare at YOUR feet.

She's Naked.

A taxi driver spot a girl hailing for a cab outside a nightclub. She was completely naked. He stopped and she went into the taxi.

Throughout the drive, the girl noticed that the driver kept looking at her with the front mirror. "Hey man, never see a hot naked girl before huh? Why don't you keep your eyes on the road", she said.

Then, the driver stopped driving before turning around and stare at her intensely.

"Nah, I'm just wondering where you keep the money for my cab, Bitch!"

Did you know that when a woman wears a bikini, 90% of the body is exposed?

But men are so classy that they only stare at the 10% that's covered

This snow is really bad here, it has been snowing since Friday, all my wife has done is stare through the kitchen window.

If it gets any worse I might have to let her in.

A pirate walks into a bar...

... with a steering wheel coming out of his zipper. The bartender notices, and says to the pirate, "Hey, buddy. You know you got a steering wheel coming out of your pants?" The pirate looks at the bartender with an annoyed stare and says, "Arrrrr! I know. It's driving me nuts."

How do you take a picture of an eclipse without a camera?

Stare at it for 30 seconds

How can you tell if an engineer is extroverted?

They stare at *your* shoes when they talk to you.

Hey, girl... Are you a cell phone?

'Cause I could stare at you all day...

(I am ashamed to admit that intentionally bad pickup lines are my specialty.)

Emmanuel Macron meets Putin and tells him...

"You lack freedom in Russia. In Paris, anyone can walk in the street and shout 'Macron is an idiot!', and nobody will touch them."

Putin gives him a basilisk stare and slowly says:
"In Moscow, anyone can walk in the street and shout 'Macron is an idiot!', and nobody will touch them, either."

A man walks on to a busy fishing pier carrying nothing but tap dance shoes and a large bucket...

The other fishermen notice him changing into these shoes. They stare perplexed, and whisper among themselves. None can figure out what's going on.

The man, now with his shoes on stands up and starts tapping out a quick rhythm. "Click click click" his shoes go as he moves down the pier. Suddenly a fish jumps out of the water on to the pier. It's followed by another, and soon fish are jumping out like crazy.

Satisfied, the man takes off his shoes, and starts loading the fish into his bucket. The other fishermen are very confused now. One of them asks, "Hey, how did you do that? How did that work?" The man with the tap shoes replies "It's called clickbait. How does it work? The answer will SHOCK you!"

An 800 pound gorilla walks into a bar...

he sits down and the bartender looks at him nervously and says, "What'll it be?"

The gorilla says, "I'll have a Manhattan."

The bartender makes him a Manhattan, hands it to him, says "That'll be 14 bucks," and watches him take a drink. He stares nervously for a minute then says to the gorilla, "Sorry to stare, but you know...it's just not something you see every day."

The gorilla takes another drink and replies, "I agree. $14 is a bit much for a Manhattan."

I made just one mistake last night and my wife wont stop giving me the death stare.

Excessive choking.

Snowman puns to celebrate the snowstorm in my area

What do vampires get when they bite snowmen?
"Frostbite"

What is a snowman's favorite cereal?
"Snowflakes"

Why didn't the snowman answer the question?
"He didn't snow the answer"

What does a snowman like to ride?
"An icicle"

How can you tell a snowman is angry at you?
"You get the cold shoulder... or an icy stare"

Two swallows are talking:

"It will rain."

"How do you know?"

"Humans stare at us."

What I do when I see someone extremely gorgeous

I stare, I smile, and when I get tired I slowly put the mirror down.

Donald Trump visits and old folks' home...

to mingle with the people and pick up a little good P.R. at the same time. He walks up to a sweet old lady in a wheelchair who smiles at him with an other wise blank stare.

"Do you know who I am ?" asks Donald Trump.

She responds, "No, but if you ask the desk, they'll tell you.

Ladies at the Golf Course

Three ladies are chipping up to the fourth hole at River Hill Golf Club, when a naked man wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green. The three ladies stare in awe at the size of his manhood. The first lady says, "He is definitely not my husband." The second lady, gazes at his manhood and says, "He is not mine either." After a very considered inspection, the third finally says, "He's not even a member of this golf club.

How do you make a bee stop bothering you?

Stare at it.







Seeing is bee leaving.

My dad's favourite joke.

This is the joke that my dad has been telling for as long as I can remember:

A robber goes into a McDonald's and points a gun at the cashier. "This is a robbery. Give me all the money!" The cashier looks at him with a blank stare and says: "Would you like fries with that?"

Babe why are you so quiet?

"Babe why are you so quiet?" Bob's girlfriend asked him after dinner. "I invited you over to meet my parents, not to stare at your plate all night!" Bob replies "Well, I went to the pharmacy to pick up some condoms and asked the pharmacist to help me choose some." "And?" The girlfriend says. "I had no idea your dad was a pharmacist." Bob says

On warm summer nights I like to stare off longingly into the sunset and wonder

Why can't I see anything?

A joke from a friend.

4 beer company owners walk into a bar. The owners of Bud, Miller, Coors, and Guiness.
The bartender asks for what they want.
The owner of Bud replies with Bud Light.
The owner of Coors replies with Coors light.
The owner of Miller replies with Miller light.
The owner of Guiness replies with water.
All the other owners stare at him and he says if you aren't drinking real beers neither am I.

I wanted spiritual guidance but all she did was stare at my feet.

She was trying to read my sole.

Paddy the Englishman, Paddy the Irishman and Paddy the Scotsman are arguing in a pub

Paddy the Englishman, Paddy the Irishman and Paddy the Scotsman are arguing in a pub over who comes from the most respectable family.
Paddy the Englishman starts 'My uncle is a Bishop and when he walks down the street people address him as Your Grace'.
Paddy the Scotsman replies 'That's nothing, my uncle is a Cardinal and when he walks down the street people bow and address him as Your Eminence'
Finally Paddy the Irishman pipes up 'That's noting, my uncle weighs 32 stone and when he walks down the street people stare and exclaim JESUS CHRIST ALMIGHTY'

Wow you're as bright as the sun!

When I stare at you my eyes hurt.

As I stared at my grandpa on his deathbed not knowing what to say, he turned to me and mumbled "take my picture...

it'll last longer."

Bird of Paradise

His hair's all green, he's got brightly colored tattoos covering his arms and piercings all over his face. Feathers hang from each earlobe. Across the aisle sits an old man who proceeds to stare at him for the next fifteen miles. Eventually the punker gets pretty unnerved and blurts out:
Hey man, didn't you do anything crazy when you were young?
Without missing a beat, the old man replies:
Yeah, when I was in the Navy, I got drunk one night in Singapore and had sex with a Bird of Paradise. I was just wondering if you were my son.

I stared into her eyes and she stared right back into mine, and then we started to cry

But then I blinked and lost

I'm a lot like a mirror.

People always just stare at me in disappointment.

I still carry a picture of my wife in my wallet

Been married 20 years, but I still carry my
wife's picture in my wallet.
Whenever I face difficulties in life, I take
out my wallet and stare at her picture.
And it comforts me knowing that...
If I survived being married to this psycho,
I can survive anything.

What do i do when i see someone gorgeous?

I stare,
I adore,
I smile,





Then i put the mirror down.

Why did the boy stare at his orange juice for so long?

Because it said, Concentrate.

When I get a new wallet, the first thing I do is take out any of those little pictures that come with it...

I want to pretend the guy I shanked for it didn't exist, not stare at his family every time I go for some cash.

Alright, let's get out the "too soon" jokes about Paul Walker to get them out of our systems.

I'm just saying, the stare and drive obviously didn't work this time.

NASA warned us not to stare at the eclipse, but i did it anyway

I cant see what they were so afraid of... At all...

The doctor told me to watch what I eat if I wanted to lose weight.

I stare at my extra large pepperoni pizza with a Diet Coke for at least an hour before I scarf it down and I haven't lost a pound.

Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice box?

Because it says "concentrate"

My girlfriend is how I get through tough times.

Been dating her for 5 years and I always keep her picture in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life I take out my wallet and stare at her picture. And it comforts me knowing that if I can survive being in a relationship with this psychopath I can survive anything

What do children and ATMs have in common?

If you stare at them for too long, chances are somebody will call the police.

What's the difference between children and ATMs?

A child won't say "Please insert".

I've started wearing a bike helmet, cause I find safety important. Now people stare and make fun of me.

I'll never go to that spinning class again.

I was confused as to why my interviewer gave me a blank stare when I told her my best quality was my flexibility..

I guess she's never seen a man put both his legs behind his head before.

A sultry, over the shoulder stare, followed by a slow, seductive lick of the lips is one of the sexiest things in the world...

According to my doctor, not during a rectal exam though...

How do you make someone stare at a screen for 30 seconds?

Please wait...

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes