Star Sign Jokes

51 star sign jokes and hilarious star sign puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about star sign that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Star Sign Short Jokes

Short star sign jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The star sign humour may include short astrology sign jokes also.

  1. My friend, who's star sign was cancer, died very ironically. He was mauled by a giant crab.
  2. A man stands over the coffin of his deceased wife. "Her star sign was cancer you know" he says. " I guess it's ironic..." "That she was killed by a giant crab."
  3. My mother's star sign was cancer. Ironic how she died, really. She died due to fatal injuries from a giant crab attack.
  4. My wife's star-sign was Cancer, so I guess you could say it was ironic how she died. Mauled to death by a giant crab.
  5. My girlfriends star sign My girlfriends star sign is cancer, so it was quite ironic how she died
    She got beaten to death by a giant crab
  6. A Man Goes To His Doctor Doctor: Pick a star sign. Any star sign
    Man: Alright, i choose Capricorn
    Doctor: Nah you got Cancer
  7. My friend's star sign was cancer, so I guess it's quite ironic how he died. He got attacked by a giant crab.
  8. My grandfathers star sign was cancer which is ironic seeing how he died. He was eaten by a giant crab.
  9. I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
  10. I was at the doctors and he said pick a star sign I said Gemini,he said nah you have cancer

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Star Sign One Liners

Which star sign one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with star sign? I can suggest the ones about astrological sign and astrology signs.

  1. My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died She was eaten by a giant crab
  2. What star sign are you? "I'm a contrarian."
    "That's not a star sign."
    "YES IT IS!"
  3. I don't believe in star signs but that's me... typical capricorn!
  4. What's Jade Goody's Star Sign? Cancer
  5. Your mama is so fat ! Her star sign constelation,is made out the entire Galax.
  6. My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died Food poising from Crab cake
  7. What is Walter White's star sign? Cancer.
  8. My uncle's star sign was taurus, pretty ironic how he died He was impaled by an iron rod.
  9. What star sign is a donut? It's a Taurus!

Star Sign Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about star sign you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean zodiac sign jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make star sign pranks.

Miss DeAngelo was a not-too-bright young woman who had moved to Hollywood with dreams of becoming a star.
She didn’t find fame or glory, but she did encounter plenty of men willing to enjoy her plentiful charms, and soon she found herself called to testify in a divorce case.
When it was her turn on the stand, the lawyer came forward.
"Miss DeAngelo, the wife of the defendant has identified you as the ‘other woman’ in her husband’s life. Now, do you admit that you went to the Pricerite Motel with this Mr. Evans?"
"Well, yes," acknowledged Miss DeAngelo with a sniff, "but I couldn’t help it."
"Couldn’t help it?" asked the lawyer derisively. "How’s that?"
"Mr. Evans deceived me."
"Exactly what do you mean?"
"See, when we signed in," she explained, "he told the motel clerk I was his wife."

Topical Jokes (5/22)

Hope everyone had a wonderful Wednesday but we can never escape the jokes!
First up, the FCC announced today that they would start to allow more s**... during peak kids' TV hours. So look out for PBS's new show starring Big Bird's cousin, Kandi Kanary, in "Sesame Red Light District".
Weird entertainment news, Paris Hilton has signed onto Cash Money Records. It's there she plans to rap under the emcee name, Li'l Self Respect.
More celebrities. Justin Bieber is now threatening to sue fans if they try to break into his home. Bieber also says he has a whole team of lawyers set up if any females try to break into his room despite the "no gurls allowed" sign.
Good news on the Catholic front, Pope Francis proclaimed that every single human has been redeemed. The Pope said, "God even forgave me for that time I got wasted and peed in the baptismal font so, seriously, stop bringing that up."
And more hopeful news, Vice President Biden told crowds today that the US is not in decline - which is expected for someone who hinges the US's status based on how many Slurpee flavors are available at 7-Eleven.
Just a quick set tonight but thanks for reading!

2 Rabbis

Two rabbis are walking down the street when they come to a Catholic church. The sign out front says "Convert now and get $100!".
One rabbi turns to the other and says "Perhaps I should consider it." The other says "What? Nonsense. They're probably kidding about the money anyway." The first rabbi nonetheless goes in. His friend sits on a bench and waits for an hour.
Eventually the first rabbi emerges with a cross instead of a Star of David around his neck.
The 2nd rabbi asks, "So did they give you the $100?".
He replies "Oh, is THAT all you people care about?"

The Pope and the Rabbi (not the apple one)

The Pope is walking down a street in London, when the heel breaks off his shoe. He looks around, and sees two shops advertising shoe repair. Looking closer, he sees a star of David on the wall in one, and a crucifix in the other. He thinks for a moment, and decides he'll go into the Jewish run shop, and do a little something for the relationship between the two faiths.
They're a bit surprised when the Pope walks in, but treat him well and do a really nice repair for him. When they're done, they refuse his money but ask if they can put a sign up saying he was a customer. He agrees, and goes on his way. The following day, the Jewish run shop has a sign in the window; "Cobblers to the Pope."
The day after that, the Christian shop has a sign in the window; "b**... to the chief Rabbi."
[I'll get my coat...]

I never believed horoscopes and think the star signs are b**...

And don't try to argue with me on that subject. You cannot win an argument with a Sagittarius.

Rumor has it Tom Hanks just signed a deal to star in a sequel to one of his greatest 80s blockbusters.

Big, if true.

My ex wife's star sign was Cancer, quite ironic considering how she died...

...Eaten by a giant crab 🦀
Note: not my joke, not sure where I heard it

All of my family have died ironic deaths, like my grandfather, whose star sign was Cancer

he died from a giant crab attack.

People say star signs are a load of rubbish, but it's not true. My gran was a cancer, which is ironic considering how she died....

Eaten by a giant crab.

And now, two guys bonding over their star sign as well as a short summary of The Fault in out Stars


My grandma's star sign was Cancer so her death was pretty ironic...

She was killed by a giant crab.

My late grandmother's star sign was Cancer, which is ironic...

She got killed by a giant crab.

I went to the pet shop the other day.

I'd like to buy a goldfish, I said.
Do you want an aquarium? they asked.
I said, I don't care what star sign he is.

Star sign

Doctor: Choose a star sign.
Patient: Capricorn.
Doctor: Too bad you got cancer

I walk into the doctors office and the doctor says to me, pick a star sign, any star sign

Ok, Capricorn! i say
Nope, you've got cancer he replies

So I walked into he doctor's office

He said : Pick a star sign any star sign.
I said : Capricorn
And he said : Nah you got cancer


I went to the doctors surgeon and he said to me pick a star sign, any star sign. So I said Capricorn and he said Nah you've got cancer.

I walked into my doctors appointment and he said pick a star sign. I said Capricorn

He said no you've got Cancer

I went in to a pet shop. I said, Can I buy a goldfish?

The guy said, Do you want an aquarium?
I don't care what star sign it is!

I walked into the doctor's office...

and he told me to pick a random star sign.
I replied, Capricorn
He said back, No mate you've got cancer

An anti-vaxxer got a call from the Doctor.

The doctor said "Your test results are in and I'm afraid it's not good news."
"Nonsense," replied the anti-vaxxer. "I don't trust your pharmaceutical industry. My entire life I relied on homeopathic remedies instead of medication, and the only diagnosis I accept is based on my horoscope."
"Fair enough, in that case tell me your star -sign." said the doctor.
The anti-vaxxer replied "My star sign is Cancer."
The doctor said "Well what a d**... coincidence..."

I went to the doctor and, he said, "Pick a star sign?" Any star sign?

I said, "Capricorn."
He said, "No, you've got Cancer."

My son has started an apprenticeship chef role at a Michelin starred Indian restaurant in London.

On his first day they showed him how to make the perfect Indian flat bread. He said he can't tell me the recipe though.
Apparently he had to sign a naan disclosure agreement.