The Best 76 Standup Jokes

Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for the day.

Give a man two prosthetic legs, and he'll shoot his girlfriend.

i don't get this joke

Louis CK said it was one of his terrible early standup jokes

"I asked my mom what sex was and she said 'it's what happens when Mrs. Brady turns off the lights. So I always thought sex was a commercial for paper towels"

After failing miserably at a standup routine I told my girlfriend I was going to try physical comedy. She said...

"You can't pull your pants down in public."

Did you hear about the chemist turned stand-up comic?

He didn't last too long; his jokes didn't get the best reactions.

Before he was a footballer, Messi used to be a stand-up comedian

He had to quit because his jokes kept flying over the audience's heads.

Guy runs a red light

A guy runs a red light. His passenger tells him not to do that, but the driver says "It's okay, my brother drives like this!" He runs another red light. His passenger tries to insist, the driver says again "I told ya, it's okay, my brother drives like this!" Then he comes up to a green light and stops. His passenger asks what he's doing now and the driver says "Well, my brother might be coming the other way!"

-George Carlin, I don't remember what standup special.

My 8 year old brother's best joke.

What animal will you always see at a resturant?

A DINE-O-SAUR.

I think my brother is a future stand-up comic.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a stand-up comedian.

Well, no one is laughing now.

A Mexican immigrant was asked what he does for a living.

"I am a professional boxer."
"A professional boxer?"
"Yes, yes. Everyone in my family is a professional boxer.
We box onions, linens, tomatoes..."

Giving credit where credit's due: This joke was taken from a bit done by Gabriel Iglesias on his show "Stand-Up Revolution".

Joke from a 5 year old

kid: how come dinosaurs don't talk?

me: ...why?

kid: because they are all dead.

source: stolen from Brian Reagan's standup.

I always wanted to be a standup comedian...

But I'm afraid of being laughed at.

Why aren't there any muslim stand-up comedians?

Because they keep bombing.

What's the best part about being an alcoholic stand-up comedian?

If you're good you get laughs, and if you're bad you get booze.

If a guy in a wheelchair becomes a comedian does he still do standup?

Stephen Hawking can actually be pretty funny sometimes...

But I don't think he's got what it takes to do stand-up.

When I started doing stand-up, I didn't have a lot of my own material, so I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes

I still do, but I used to too.

Who was the least funny U.S. President?

FDR. His standup could use some work.

What is the funniest two legged lizard?

The stand-up chameleon.

A lime and banana decided to become a stand-up comedy duo and called themselves ...

Key and Peele.

What do you call a stand-up comedian with no legs?

A prop comic

I wanted to be a stand-up comedian.

But i realised a sit-down comedian was more comfortable.

John Wilkes Booth is one of history's greatest stand-up comedians

I heard he really killed at Ford's Theatre.

Everybody laughed at me when I said I was going to be a standup comedian.

They're not laughing now.

I've finally achieved my lifelong dream of becoming a stand-up comedian

Thank you prosthetic legs!

What do comedians do when they get tired of doing standup comedy?

Sitcoms

Stephen Hawking can be pretty funny sometimes,

But I dont think he could do standup

The pregnant lady sitting across from me laughed

"What is it?" I asked.
"Oh its nothing, just my baby doing standup."
"Really?" I inquired. "What did he say?"
"You wont get it." She laughed.

"It's an inside joke."

I told my wife I was going to do stand-up comedy

She said, "You're joking"

I said, "I told you I was good"

If a guy in a wheelchair is on stage telling jokes ...

Is it still called stand-up comedy?

When Kathy Griffin was 10 years old, she stood up at the dinner table and announced to her family that she was going to grow up and become a stand-up comedian. They all laughed in her face.

No one is laughing now.

What's Stephen Hawking's least favorite kind of comedy?

Standup.

Why do Band Directors do so good at Stand-Up Comedy?

Their jokes are very well orchestrated.
(

What did the stand-up group from Saskatchewan call themselves?

The Regina Monologues.

Did you hear about the standup comic who was just released from prison?

Yeah, Gilbert got freed.

(I apologize to Gilbert.)

Why does Steven Hawking only speak in one-liners?

He can't do stand-up.

Why is Stephen Hawking a bad comedian?

He can't do stand-up.

Everyone laughed at me when I said I wanted to do stand-up

Well no ones laughing now

Why does Stephen Hawking only do one liners

He can't do standup comedy!

A stand-up comedian tells a joke about a newly-discovered STI that takes ten years to show symptoms.

\* Slow clap *

Just watched Elton John's new standup act...

It's a little bit funny.

I was going to tell a cereal joke at my first stand-up gig

But it was too corny, so I flaked.

My friend had purchased an extra stand-up comedy ticket for me. I turned him down.

After all, I could never enjoy jokes at other people's expense.

Have you ever heard of the paralysed man who aspired to become a stand-up comedian?

He figured sitcoms suited him better.

I sometimes do stand-up comedy for a leper colony.

My jokes have them all cracking up.

LPT: If you are sick of hearing duplicate tracks on Spotify's stand-up comedy playlists,

Just delete all of the Amy Schumer material, and it should flow a lot smoother.

I know many handicapped people with a great sense of humour.

Shame they don't do stand-up comedy.

A programmer tries his hand at stand-up comedy: "Forward-slash forward-slash a man walks into a bar..."

A heckler yells at him: "Why do you keep doing that weird forward-slash thing?!"

He responds: "Don't you know? The best jokes are always in the comments."

My city just fired half of the city's construction workers...

Apparently they realized a shovel can stand-up on it's own.

I'm not surprised Nike's stock fell after the Colin Kaepernick ad

They should have picked a more stand-up guy.

Apparently Colin Kaepernick is pursuing a career in comedy

He's landed some acting roles but he can't do stand-up.

So I was doing a stand-up bit in the terminal ward...

I don't remember the routine I did, but it must have been pretty good- the crowd was dying.

I went to a Jerry Seinfeld stand-up last night. It was actually really disappointing; he didn't use any of his old jokes I used to love...

Like, what's up with that?

What did the wheelchair-bound software developer say when asked to speak at an Apple Keynote?

"Sorry, but I don't do stand-up comedy."

I thought a comedian stole my joke,

but actually he's a real stand-up guy.

What do you call an Arab stand-up comedian?

Mohahamed.

A stand-up comedian got in a car accident and his legs got amputated

He's just a comedian now.

What is the difference between standup comedy, and motivational speaking?

Which side of the mic the depressed people are on.

A jihadist tried stand-up comedy.

He bombed.

Why was Stephen Hawking always so quick with the one liners?

Well, he wasn't exactly gonna try stand-up, was he?

Why didn't Stephen hawking host a talk show?

because he can't do stand-up comedy

I can't believe my parents support my choice of profession!

I told them that I wanted to become a stand-up comedian.

They laughed at me.

I went to watch a standup comedian who kept making stereotypical Jew jokes towards me...

I was so upset I demanded a double refund

What's the difference between becoming a famous stand-up comedian by your own devices vs stealing your jokes?

One is luck n' fame, the other is fuckin' lame.

I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.

The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.

A Comedian in Russia.

I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin. The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.

Not only was Stephen Hawking a great physicist, he was also a great comedian.

Sadly, his stand-up wasn't very good.

I still think it was a missed opportunity that Minnie Driver wasn't in the remake of The Italian Job.

Joke from Gary Delaney's standup

I ALWAYS wanted to be

a stand-up comedian, but I was worried that people would laugh at me.

Did you hear about the paraplegic comedian?

He's great but he doesn't do stand-up.

When I was a kid, I told everyone that when I grew up, I wanted to be a stand-up comedian. They all laughed.

Well, I got a job doing standup in a comedy club, and no one's laughing now.

I tried stand-up before, but it didn't work out. My first audience was a real tough crowd

I was performing in a haunted house and the only responses I got were "boooo".

I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin and communism

The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.

Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii?

Because the audience only responds in a low ha

I once knew a Jehovah's Witness who became a stand-up comedian.

But all he knew was knock knock jokes.

My electricians a great guy. I told him I was worried about my set for my upcoming standup gig and couldn't figure out what material to use.

He just stared me in the eyes and said, "it's all about the crowds energy, joule know watt to use"

I just watched a beautiful naked woman do stand-up comedy.

Never laughed so hard in my life.