Standing Shoulders Jokes
26 standing shoulders jokes and hilarious standing shoulders puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about standing shoulders that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Standing Shoulders Short Jokes
Short standing shoulders jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The standing shoulders humour may include short carry shoulders jokes also.
- A man was arrested for stealing while standing on the shoulders of two vampires He was charged with shoplifting on two counts
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Standing Shoulders One Liners
Which standing shoulders one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with standing shoulders? I can suggest the ones about shoulder and standing stone.
- Get to where you are today by standing on the shoulders of giants? Now, go out on a limb.
Howlingly Hilarious Standing Shoulders Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
What funny jokes about standing shoulders you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean strong neck jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make standing shoulders pranks.
Here is an actual sign posted in a golf club.
1. Back straight, knees bent.
2. Feet shoulder width apart.
3. Form a loose grip.
4. Keep your head down!
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please while others are preparing.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
Well done. Now, flush the u**... and go outside and tee off.
A man is convinced is wife is going deaf, but she won't admit it. So he decides to test his theory once and for all.
While she's standing at the sink, he stands about six steps behind her and says, "What's for dinner, dear?"
When there's no answer, he steps a few steps closer and repeats the question.
Again there's no response, so he moves right to his wife's shoulder and asks: "What's for dinner, dear?"
At this his wife turns around angrily and says, "For the third time, sausages!"
Donald Trump is standing in the gallows...
The executioner is fitting the rope around his neck.
Below the platform are all the news networks. They are all clamoring for a final statement before the man is hung for his crimes.
Trump simply smiles and shakes his head.
Finally, one question is heard above the roar of the crowd?
"Aren't you worried about dying?" A voice asks.
Trump shrugs his shoulders as he smiles again and shakes his head for the last time.
He replies: "Fake noose."
Golf is like urinating in a public toilet
- Keep your back straight
- knees bent.
- Feet shoulder width apart.
- Form a loose Grip
- keep your head down
- avoid a quick backswing
- stay out of the water
- try not to hit anybody
- if you taking too long you should let others go ahead of you
- you shouldn't stand directly in front of others
- be quite when others are about to go
- keep strokes to a minimum
A trucker and a blonde.
A trucker is driving down a busy highway when he is abruptly cut off by a blonde woman in her car. Tired and grumpy from driving all day, he quickly pulls along side of the woman's car and forces her to stop on the shoulder of the highway. The trucker and the woman get out of their vehicles. The trucker takes a rock and draws a circle around the blonde.
"Don't you dare set foot outside this circle," the trucker orders.
He walks over to the blondes car and keys the side of it. When he returns, the woman is standing in her circle giggling. This angers the trucker even more. He proceeds to grab a bat out of his semi and smash the mirrors off the woman's car. When the trucker returns to the woman, she is still standing in her circle laughing. Enraged, the trucker takes a gas tank out of his semi, douses the woman's car in gas, and sets it on fire. The woman bursts into hysteria.
"I just totaled your car!! What is so funny?!" The trucker shouts.
The blonde replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
Jon was excited about his new rifle..
... and wanted to try it out, so he went bear hunting. He spotted a small black bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder and he turned round to see a larger black bear. The black bear said "You've got two choices, I either maul you to death or we have s**...." Jon decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Jon soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip, found the black bear, and shot it. Immediately, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a big brown bear stood right next to him. The brown bear said, "That was a huge mistake, Jon. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough s**...." Again, Jon thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it was several months before Jon finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the brown bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a gigantic grizzly bear standing there. The grizzly bear said "Admit it, Jon, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
Two blonde builders were working on a house.
One blonde was on a ladder nailing. She'd reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood.
The other blonde couldn't stand it any longer and yelled up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?"
The first blonde explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!"
The second blonde explained, "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!!"
I was watching Trump the other day with my dad.
He put his hand on my shoulder and said "Son, once in every generation a man comes to the fore who stands up for his fellow citizens against the foreign lunatics of this world. Get the gun, we're going to America."
Two blondes are on an elevator
A man gets on and stands in front of them. They both notice that he has terrible dandruff, with flakes all over his jacket.
One blonde whispers to the other, "Someone should give that guy some Head and Shoulders."
The second blonde whispers back, "How do you give shoulders?"
Yesterday, I saw a man standing all alone.
Even though he was turned away from me, I sensed something in his demeanor that suggested he could use some help. So being considerate, I approached him, placing a hand on his shoulder and asking " Do you mind if I join you? "
He certainly left the u**... in a hurry.
In honor of The Challenger disaster: proof that I have no soul.
How do we know Christa McAuliffe had dandruff?
Her head and shoulders washed up on the shore.
It was said that Christa's pupils were hit the hardest... by the instrument panel.
As she left for work that day she said to her husband "you feed the dog, i'll feed the fish."
How do you know her eyes were blue?
One blew one way the other blew another way.
Christa used to teach Social Studies ...now she's History
What does NASA stand for? Need another seven astronauts.
Joke I heard while in Hungary
Two cops are standing by the street side in New York City. A foreigner approaches them looking slightly panicked.
"Parlez vous Francais?" He asks them. The cops, not knowing a word of French merely shrug their shoulders at the man.
Frustrated, he asks them, "Ustedes hablan español?" Again, the cops merely shrug.
The foreigner continues with the same result with Dutch, Russian, and German. Eventually, he leaves, knowing that there's no hope for him to communicate with the officers.
"I keep telling you we should learn more languages!" says one cop to the other.
"Why?" he responds. "That man knows five, and it didn't get him anywhere."
A taxi driver picks up a woman from the airport who sits in the back as a passenger
The woman wanted to ask a question so she leans forward and taps the driver's shoulder to get his attention.
The driver gets startled so bad that he loses control of the cab, nearly hits a bus, swerves to barely dodge a light pole and finally halts near a glass bus stand.
The woman and driver both horrified stay paused for a few seconds then regain their mentality. The woman quietly says Oh my god, I'm so sorry I didn't think you would be startled like that , the driver looks back and says it's okay, I'm actually the one who is sorry, today is my first day driving a cab. For the past 25 years I've been driving a hearse
Free s**... tonight
At a travel agency in Bangkok, I asked the Thai girl behind the counter if she could e**... me on a city tour and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements.
She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said,
"s**... s**... s**..., wan free s**... for tonight".
I replied, "Wow, you Thai women are really hospitable!"
A guy standing next to me who had overheard our conversation tapped me on the shoulder and said,
"Don't get too excited. What she really said was: 666136429."
A man dies and goes to heaven. At the pearly gates, he sees two lines.
The first line has a sign that says "Henpecked Husbands." The line is full of an endless queue of men that stretches far out of site.
The sign above the second line says, "Non-Henpecked Husbands." This line is empty, aside from a single scrawny man who was just entering it.
The recently deceased man approaches the single occupant of the second line and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me," he says, "but can I ask why you're the only man in this line?"
The man in the line frowns defensively and says, "My wife told me to stand here."
An American man is drinking in a pub in Ireland...
He stands up and says "If anyone here can drink 10 pints of guiness in 10 minutes I'll give him 100 dollars!"
No one answers him and one man walks out of the pub.
The American goes back to his drink and someone taps him on the shoulder 15 minutes later. It was the Irish man who had walked out earlier. "Does your bet still stand?" He asks.
The American says yes and gets him his pints. The Irishman then drinks all 10 in 10 minutes.
The American gives him his money, he says "That was amazing! But why did you leave earlier?"
The Irish man says "I went to the pub across the road to make sure I could do it first!"
Golf is like urinating in a public toilet
Golf is like urinating in a public toilet
1. Keep your back straight
2. knees bent.
3. Feet shoulder width apart.
4. Form a loose Grip
5. keep your head down
6. avoid a quick backswing
7. stay out of the water
8. try not to hit anybody
9. if you taking too long you should let others
go ahead of you
10. you shouldn't stand directly in front of others
11. be quite when others are about to go
12. keep strokes to a minimum
Reading between the lines.
1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.
Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
A blind man was out for a walk in a new neighborhood.
As it sometimes happens with blind people, he realized he'd taken a wrong turn. Trying to remain calm, he stepped off of the sidewalk and, discovering a change in temperature, took refuge under a nearby tree so that he might mentally retrace his steps. Inclining his face toward a perceived higher power, he muttered, "I just need a sign. A cyclist, a car, something to get me back on track." Taking a deep breath, he made for the sidewalk, his cane carving a path before him. But on the off swing, he missed a sign standing at the sidewalk's edge and smacked into it with his shoulder. Puzzled, he reached out to see what sort of obstacle he had encountered and, upon discovering what it was, rolled his eyes heavenward and said, "I didn't mean that kind of sign!"
A guy is in the front row of a basketball game.....
He is enjoying the game when suddenly someone yells, ''Steve!'' He looks over his shoulder, looks around but cannot see anyone in the mass of 15,000 fans. He continues to enjoy the game. He again hears ''SteveO,'' Now he gets up and looks around but eventually sits back down. He is taking a drink from his beer, then again ''hey steve'' he becomes increasingly upset stand up and scans the the bleachers but nothing. Near the end of the game, he hears ''Steve'' finally he stands up and yells, ''my name is John, d**...''
The blonde and the gumball machine
A blonde is standing in front of a gumball machine. She puts a quarter in and out pops a gumball. She puts another quarter in and out pops another gumball. She continues putting in quarters and receiving gumballs, which she piles up next to her on the floor.
Eventually a line of kids forms behind the blonde. After standing in line for 10 minutes, the kid behind the blonde taps her on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, miss, but what are you doing?"
And the blonde says, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm *winning*!"
This Texan walks a bar and taps an Irishman on the
shoulder...
This Texan walks a bar and taps an Irishman on the shoulder. He says, "I hear tell you Irishmen are hard drinkers. Well, I'll bet you ten bucks ya'll can't do this."
The guy orders ten beers, then gulps them all down, one after the other. When he's finished, he turns to the Irishman and says, "Try that."
Instead, the Irishman gets up and runs out of the bar. The Texan laughs and considers himself the winner.
Fifteen minutes later, the Irishman walks back into the bar, taps the Texan on the shoulder, and asks, "Hey, pal, that bet o' yours still stand?"
The Texan shrugs and says, "Sure."
So the Irishman orders ten beers and immediately slams them all down.
While the Texan forks over the money, he says, "You know, I thought ya'll were runnin' out on the bet. How come you left?"
The Irishman says, "Oh, I wasn't sure I could do it, so I went to another pub to practice first."
One day the Seven Dwarfs decided they wanted to see Snow White n**....
Their only option was to spy on her in the shower. They decided to stand on each others shoulders and watch through a small window above the bathroom door. d**... being the smallest he was on top, calling down to the others what he saw.
"She's taking off her skirt" He whispers to the next one down, who whispers it to the next and so on.
"She's taking off her shirt" ^"She's ^taking ^off ^her ^shirt"^"She's ^^taking ^^off ^^her ^^shirt"...
"She's totally n**...!" ^"totallly ^n**...!" ^^"Totally ^^n**...!"...
This continued, d**... describing Snow's every motion, and the others passing it on. And then he thought he heard footsteps.
"Shhhh! Someone's coming!" ^"me ^too!" ^^"me ^^too!" ^^^"me ^^^too!"...