Stand Jokes
170 stand jokes and hilarious stand puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about stand that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Tired of the same old jokes? Come check out our list of the funniest stand jokes around! From one night stands to lemonade stands to concession stands, you'll be sure to find some humor so you can put a smile on your face. Whether you're at a deer stand, tree stand, or night stand, you'll have something to laugh at and make your day just a bit better. So don't stay upright, bench, or foyer to pick up a smile - get your stand jokes here!
Quick Jump To
- Short Stand Jokes
- Stand One Liners
- Stand Up Jokes
- Night Stand Jokes
- One Night Stand Jokes
- Long Stand Jokes
- Lemonade Stand Jokes
- More Stand Jokes
Funniest Stand Short Jokes
Short stand jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The stand humour may include short stood jokes also.
- I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin. The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.
- SCUBA is an acronym for "Self contained underwater breathing apparatus". Tuba is also an acronym. It stands for "terrible underwater breathing apparatus"
- I dated a girl in a wheelchair She broke up with me because I kept pushing her around.
I said, "why don't you stand up for yourself?" - How many Karens does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, She just stands there holding it while the world revolves around her.
- What does a carpenter do after a one night stand? The second nightstand.
...I'm so sorry. - Every time I ask someone what the acronym LGBTQ stands for... I can never get a straight answer.
- I can't stand homeless people Every time I leave work, one of them approaches me and shakes his can full of coins just to show off how he has more money than me.
- A PESSIMIST sees a dark tunnel An OPTIMIST sees light at the end of the tunnel
A REALIST sees a freight train
The TRAIN driver sees 3 idiots standing on the tracks - I always ask what LGBT stands for... But i never get a straight answer.
Ps: I'm very aware of its meaning(since im very gay). - I like to stand in the corner of my psychiatrist's waiting room and blow on anyone who walks by... Most people hate it, but I'm a fan...
Share These Stand Jokes With Friends
Stand One Liners
Which stand one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with stand? I can suggest the ones about stay and stat.
- Why can't lebron james stand on his tippy toes? He gets no support from his Cavs
- Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!
- I stand behind Alec Baldwin It's far safer than standing in front of him.
- What does the F in Ethiopia stand for? food
- What does idk stand for? I've asked lots of people but nobody seems to know.
- What does a robot do after a one night stand? He nuts and bolts.
I'll see myself out. - What does the H in America stand for? Healthcare
- I still 100% stand behind Alec Baldwin.. Standing in front of him is too dangerous.
- The f in orphan stands for family wait
- Why did Jon Snow stand in line for 6 hours at the Apple Store? For the watch
- When counting down, I can't stand negative numbers I stop at nothing to avoid them.
- Can someone please tell me what LGBTQ+ stands for? Nobody is giving me a straight answer.
- What does idk stand for? Literally everyone I ask doesn't know.
- What does a mechanic do for a one night stand? He nuts and bolts.
- Do you know what LGBTQ stands for? Every time I ask I can never get a straight answer
Stand Up Jokes
Here is a list of funny stand up jokes and even better stand up puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I can't stand my wife's ideas for our kitchen redesign And I'm not convinced by her counterarguments.
- Why are people in wheelchairs always getting taken advantage of? Because they're easy to push around and never stand up for themselves
- These two cannibals are sitting by the campfire having dinner. One says " I can't stand my mother in law". The other says " so , just eat the potatoes".
- LPT: If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes; they're usually about 90 degrees. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
- I've asked thousands of people what LGBTQ+ stands for. Nobody has given me a straight answer.
- My girlfriend yelled at me because I apparently treat her like a child. So I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.
- I can't believe how everybody's freaking out over that guy stealing Nancy Pelosi's podium. He was clearly just taking a political stand.
- I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for So far no one has given me a straight answer.
- Here's a great life hack! When you're cold stand in a corner. It's 90 degrees!
- I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper... She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly didn't stand a chance.
Night Stand Jokes
Here is a list of funny night stand jokes and even better night stand puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the engineering term for a one night stand? A nut and bolt.
- The woman at the furniture store keeps calling! All I wanted was the one night stand.
- I always keep a gun on my night stand in case of an intruder so I can shoot myself instead of meeting new people
- I don't know why the beautiful attendant at IKEA reported me to the police All I asked was, "How much for one night stand?"
- What does a carpenter do after one night stand? A matching one for the other side of the bed.
- Do you know what a robot does on one night stand? Nuts and bolts.
- I broke up with my girlfriend by text last night, it went pretty ugly... She got up from the couch, started beating me with her phone...
- What do you call a robots one night stand? A nut and bolt
- I had a one night stand with an Amish guy the other week... He never called me back.
- What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? – He nuts and bolts.
One Night Stand Jokes
Here is a list of funny one night stand jokes and even better one night stand puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do mechanics call one night stands? Nuts & bolts
- IKEA won't stop calling me. But all I wanted was one night stand.
- I had a one night stand and then got married Now we have two night stands.
(One on each side of the bed) - My one night stand said I'm a lousy lover after we finished Asked her how can she tell after 30 seconds?
- Whenever I have a one night stand,I alweys use protection. A fake name and a fake number.
- I was shocked to learn the girl working at IKEA reported me to her manager. All I did was ask, "How much for the one night stand?"
- I wish the furniture store would stop calling me. I just wanted the one night stand :/
- A paraplegic got prosthetic legs for a single day before they broke. He had a one night stand.
- What does a robot do after a one-night stand? He nuts and bolts
- This furniture store keeps emailing me... All I wanted was one night stand!
Long Stand Jokes
Here is a list of funny long stand jokes and even better long stand puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I saw a kid being beat up by 4 adults and tried to help. Kid couldn't stand for long against 5 adults.
- A man stands up to give a toast at his best friend's wedding He says "I was told that a wedding toast should only last as long as the groom lasts in bed. So goodnight everyone!"
- A scoliosis patient had given up hope of recovery.. But after the long and painful surgery, he took his first steps and humbly said "I stand corrected".
- LPT: Always go to the bathroom before you stand in a long line It's the P before Q rule.
- Did you hear about the chemist turned stand-up comic? He didn't last too long; his jokes didn't get the best reactions.
- I prefer to do my stand up comedy in airports As long as TSA and Homeland Security do their job, there's no way I'd bomb
- It doesn't matter whether you stand up or sit down to urinate... ...as long as your gender fluid is going into the toilet where it belongs.
- A cowboy peers down the pit of an outhouse... He sees an Indian standing at the bottom.
He asks, "How long have you been down there?"
The Indian replies: "Many moons." - Yo mama so fat, when she stands next to yo daddy they still in a long-distance relationship.
- I can't stand this long distance relationship anymore... Especially since the stay away order.
Lemonade Stand Jokes
Here is a list of funny lemonade stand jokes and even better lemonade stand puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- When I was a kid, I had a lemonade stand. I'd give away the first glass for free and charge $20 for the second. The refill contained the antidote.
- A 10 year old girl opens a lemonade stand and sells at such low prices her competition can't keep up, and is forced to close down. Maybe it would have helped if there were a punch line..
- Lemonade Stand At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
- A duck walked up to a lemonade stand, and he said to the man running the stand Quack
- A boy was at a lemonade stand. He was deciding between a glass or a full pitcher. He told the seller he was really thirsty, to which they replied, "Take a pitcher, it'll last longer".
- Communist Lemonade A taste worth standing in line for.
- A duck walked up to a lemonade stand and he said to the man running the stand... Now the tune's stuck in your head... all day.
- Why don't lemonade stands charge a full dollar for drinks? It doesn't make any cents.
- Why did h**... never buy lemonade from a lemonade stand? He hated cheap juice.
Uproarious Stand Jokes to Have a Laugh Out Loud Good Time
What funny jokes about stand you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean stopped jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make stand pranks.
My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an e**....
I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.
I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...
Little b**... didn't stand a chance…
There's one thing I can't stand when I'm drunk
Up
An elementary teacher wanted to introduce physiological notions to her students.
She asks her class: Whoever feels s**... at times stand up!
After a while, little Johnny stands up, grudgingly.
The teacher asks: So Johnny, you feel s**... from time to time?
Little Johnny replies: No ma'am, it's just painful to see you standing all alone.
I'm sick of tired of people soaking my floor with their wet umbrellas when they come over to visit.
I think it's time to make a stand.
Foreign s**...
A man decides he wants to have a one night stand with a foreign girl. So he meets a girl they go to the bedroom. After the first round, the man says to her, You finish? The girl shakes her head, no. So they do it again. Now the man is really tired. So he says, You finish? Again, she shakes her head. So they do it again. By now, the man is exhausted. So he says to the girl, You finish? The girl answers, No, I Norwegian .
Why did Gollum leave the room every time Sam and Frodo lit their pipes?
He couldn't stand being around such filthy habitses.
You guys want to play that new Michael Brown drinking game?
It's easy, you just stand there and take eight shots.
Saw my ex...
On my way home from work last year i saw my ex being beaten up by 3 guys, i stopped the car and ran over to help...she didnt stand a chance against 4 of us.
EXTRA-LARGE CONDOMS
A woman asks the pharmacist if he sells extra-large condoms.
The pharmacist replies, "Yes, would you like to buy some?"
The woman says, "No, but do you mind if I stand here and wait to see if anyone buys a box?"
Just saw two elementary school kids in a fistfight...
So as an adult, I had to step in.
They didn't stand a chance.
Where did the memes make their last stand?
The Aylmao.
Go away bee, don't bother me.
A wise man once told me, if a bee is bothering you, don't swat or run away, just stand still and look right at it, because seeing is believing.
What does DNA stand for
National Dyslexia Association.
Hi, I'm black, and I can't stand it when people assume we're all criminals
-Sent from your iPhone.
I hate it when people make fun of the disabled
They can't even stand up for themselves
I didn't think my doctor could fix my bowed legs.
I stand corrected.
Had a house party last night
...and there's always one left over! Laid on the floor in the corner, still that drunk? He couldn't even stand! Asked him where he lived, then dragged him down the driveway to my car, his legs all over the place, picked him up, threw him inside, & took him home. Dragged him up to his house & knocked on his front door, "I've brought your son home."
His mother replied, "Where is his wheel chair?"
Golf is like urinating in a public toilet
- Keep your back straight
- knees bent.
- Feet shoulder width apart.
- Form a loose Grip
- keep your head down
- avoid a quick backswing
- stay out of the water
- try not to hit anybody
- if you taking too long you should let others go ahead of you
- you shouldn't stand directly in front of others
- be quite when others are about to go
- keep strokes to a minimum
Going to mass is basically just like a dog being trained
A guy tells you to sit and stand and sit and stand, and at the end they give you a snack
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel.
They were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories when the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off.
''Because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''
United States
Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S. One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"
Yo momma's so mean
she has no standard deviation
At a wedding reception, the best man said, 'would all the married men please stand next to the person that made their lives worth living.'
The poor bartender was crushed to death.
I'm not sure about my stand on the abortion issue....
On one side, I love to kill babies but on the other side, I hate to give women a choice.
Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners?
Because he can't do stand up
I saw a kid getting beaten up by 4 gang members, so I helped out.
He didn't stand a chance against the 5 of us.
I can't stand abortions
I'm ok with killing babies... but the idea of a woman making decisions just doesn't sit right with me.
I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.
On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."
I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.
As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."
Teacher: "Anyone who thinks they're s**..., stand up"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher:"There has to be at least one s**... student here"
*Timmy stands up*
Teacher:"Timmy do you think you're s**...?"
Timmy:"No, I just felt bad that you were standing alone"
A guy walks into a bar and orders fruit punch
The bartender says, "Pal, If you want punch, you'll have to go stand in line."
The guys looks around, but there is no punch line.
Idiot Teacher
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
Apparently the Dad jokes never stop...
I just told my wife I was going to go hop in the shower; my 66 year old father-in-law looks me straight in the face and says, "You know, it works better if you just stand in it"...
I asked my daughter to bring me my newspaper
She told me that newspapers are oldschool. She said me that people nowadays use tablets and handed me her iPad
That fly didn't stand a chance
An Arab and a Jew stand in front of a h**... statue.
The Jew spits on the statue.
Arab: why did you do that?
Jew: because he killed half my people.
The Arab spits on the statue as well.
Jew: why did you do that?
Arab: because he didn't kill the other half.
The soviet union actually made the best bread in the world.
People would stand in line for days just to get a piece of it.
I was standing in a library
And a black dude walks up to me and asked if i knew where the colored printer was. I told him "dude, it's almost 2018, use any printer you want."
Why must 8 always stand up?
If it lies down, it's forever.
Why is it wrong to bully people in wheel chair?
Because they can't stand up for themselves.
What does FDR stand for?
Nothing.
I admit I was wrong about how good my chiropractor is.
I stand corrected.
Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?
Because it's two-tired.
I wanna do stand up comedy on a gay cruise...
...so I can open with: "Hey, everyone. Thanks for coming out."
Scientists have discovered why flamingos stand on one leg
Because if they lifted the other one as well, they'd fall.
My friend Billy Bob and I visited a place where you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. Billy Bob opened up and said that he was actually in a fourth state; crippling depression. I said, I'm so sorry
... but you can't count Missouri twice.
I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she's sleeping ..
...and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects
Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a s**... harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?
The woman replies: It's Frank, the midget.
A Dutch joke about the Brits and their love for queues, don't know if it translates well
A Brit walks down the street and sees two queues. He gets behind one of them, and asks the woman in front of him:
What is this queue for?
Just for fun says the women.
But what if I don't want to stand in the queue? The Brit asks.
To which the woman replies that's what the other queue is for
"The word of the day is 'contagious'" Said the teacher, "Who can use it in a sentence?"
Little Jenny stood up and said "My dad has a cold and said its contagious"
The teacher praised Jenny and ask for an example from another student.
Billy stood up and said "Miss, my mum has the flu, and I think its contagious"
Happy with Billy's response, the teacher asked for one more student to stand up and give an example.
Little Johnny stood up...
"Miss, my next door neighbour is painting his house with a 1 inch brush and my dad said its going to take the contagious."
Don't know if this has been posted here but let's try
Little Johnny came home and ran to his mother.
"Mummy! I was on the bus with Daddy and he made me stand up so a woman could sit down."
"Well...How kind of your daddy! You should learn from him."
Johnny then frowned.
"I was sitting on Daddy's lap"
The D.J. at a wedding reception yelled, "Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death.
Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine
He inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a s**... harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?
The woman replies: It's Frank, the midget.
A mathematician, a physicist and a biologist all stand in front of an empty house.
Suddenly, two people enter the house and after a couple of minutes, three people leave through the front door.
The biologist says - They must've reproduced!
The physicist says - This must be a measurement error!
The mathematician says - If one more person enters, the house will be empty!
An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space
Lord , he prays, I cannot stand this, please open a parking space for me and I swear I'll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.
The clouds part and the sun shines on an empty space in the car park. Without hesitation the Irishman says, Actually never mind, I've found one.
I asked my Granddaughter to give me the newspaper. She said that newspapers are so out of date, and that people now use tablets, so she handed me her iPad.
That Fly didn't stand a chance.
Here is an actual sign posted in a golf club.
1. Back straight, knees bent.
2. Feet shoulder width apart.
3. Form a loose grip.
4. Keep your head down!
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please while others are preparing.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
Well done. Now, flush the u**... and go outside and tee off.
A janitor at my work asked me to come over and smoke w**... with her!!
I told her No. I can't stand high maintenance women.
h**... dies and goes in front of a h**... gate...
St. Peter is waiting, judging him.
They stand in silence when h**... breaks it:" St. Peter, where am I?"
"h**..., h**...." he responds.
"Ya, ya, Heil h**..., but where am I?".
Instead of a Handyman, my apartment complex has a Handywoman.
She's a bit of a pothead but d**... good at her job. Today she asked me if I wanted to smoke with her but I declined cuz I can't stand high maintenance women.
Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii?
Because the audience only responds in a low ha
