Standing In Line Jokes
114 standing in line jokes and hilarious standing in line puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about standing in line that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Standing In Line Short Jokes
Short standing in line jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The standing in line humour may include short standing in queue jokes also.
- The soviet union actually made the best bread in the world. People would stand in line for days just to get a piece of it.
- A guy walks into a bar and orders fruit punch The bartender says, "Pal, If you want punch, you'll have to go stand in line."
The guys looks around, but there is no punch line. - Fishing There is a fine line between fishing, and just standing on the shore looking like an idiot
- Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch. Bartender says "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line" Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.
- Did you know that the USSR had some of the world's best bakeries? People would stand in line all week just to get a single slice of bread!
- I can't wait for the next Quantum Physicist triathlon. I'm going to stand beside the bikes and yell out their speeds. They'll get so lost they'll end back at the starting line.
- I think my family is finally catching on to me telling jokes in sign language... They've been standing further away, so I can't hit them with the punch line anymore.
- A 10 year old girl opens a lemonade stand and sells at such low prices her competition can't keep up, and is forced to close down. Maybe it would have helped if there were a punch line..
- Did you know that the USSR produced the best bread in the world? Why, people would stand in line for days for just a single piece!
- An old lady standing in line at a bank machine asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
Share These Standing In Line Jokes With Friends
Standing In Line One Liners
Which standing in line one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with standing in line? I can suggest the ones about waiting in line and assembly line.
- Why did Jon Snow stand in line for 6 hours at the Apple Store? For the watch
- Why do Catholics make the best Communists? They're fine with standing in line for bread.
- Where do cats stand when they want to buy a train ticket? In the FEE-line.
- LPT: Always go to the bathroom before you stand in a long line It's the P before Q rule.
- Communist Lemonade A taste worth standing in line for.
- What do you call a bunch of Vietnamese people standing in line to buy lunch? Pho queue.
- What do you call 3 Matts standing in line? A Matt-trick!
- 2010 Kids Wont Get This... Standing in line
- What do you call a group of gay friends standing in line for ramen? A LGBT-Queue
- Standing in line for the restroom I guess it's a hot commode-ity today.
- What do you call 10 crying kids standing in a line? Saville Row
- What's it called when the vegetable stand runs out of carrots? A receding hare line...
- People are now standing in line to make jokes about China . . .
（ ｀ハ´）
Standing In Line Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about standing in line you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean stood jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make standing in line pranks.
Standing in line at a restaurant, I noticed that the few available tables left had not been cleaned off.
I mentioned this to the cashier, who told the manager.
A minute later, an annoyed-looking teen emerged from the back with a spray bottle and paper towels in hand.
"All right," she bellowed clear across the crowded dining room, "which one of you people wanted a clean table?"
How many Venezuelans does it take to change a candle?
Two. One to change it, and the other to stand in line all day to buy the new candle.
There is a jiu jitsu competition to see who can break the largest board with their fist. The judge asks all competitors to stand behind the first contestant, but no one listens.
There is no punch line.
Did you hear about the guy who got gangrene in his leg and they cut off the wrong leg? Yeah man it was really messed up. So then of course they had to cut the other leg off, ya know, because it had gangrene. So he sues the doctor right? And the messed up part is the judge throws it out of court.
Yeah he said he didn't have a leg to stand on!
(You have to tell it like it's not a joke until you reach the punch line. Gets people every time)
Dave and John are playing a round of golf...
Dave is lining up his put on the 8th green when they hear a car coming along the road that runs parallel to the course. Upon seeing a hearse, Dave stands away from his ball, takes his cap off and bows his head until it passes.
"That was very decent of you Dave."
"Yea, she was a good wife."
The engineer and the mathematician
A mathematician and an engineer are at a bar when the most beautiful woman either of them has ever seen approaches them.
She takes them to a football field and tells them, "I'm going to stand on the far goal line, and you'll stand on this one. Whichever of you reaches me first can do whatever you want to me."
"There are two rules, however. Your first move can only be to the fifty yard line, and each move following can only be half the distance of the previous."
The woman walks to the far side to the far goal line, and the race begins.
The mathematician, upon seeing her reach the goal line, breaks down in tears, because he knows that he can never make it to the far goal.
The engineer takes off immediately. He knows he can never reach her, but he can certainly get close enough for all practical purposes.
What do you call ten German men standing abreast, walking backward?
A receeding Herr line.
Men entrance to Heaven
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven,God appeared and said,"I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St.Peter."
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line for men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
My Chinese friend's jokes about Socialism and Capitalism
* A Russian, an American, and a Chinese person are walking down a path. Suddenly, they come to a fork in the road. One path has the sign "Capitalism," and it's brightly lit and beautiful. The other is labeled "Socialism," and it's dark and frightening. The American chooses first, marching confidently down the brightly lit path. The Russian is next. Determined, he starts to go down the dark path, but then turns back halfway and runs toward the bright path. The Chinese person is last. After thinking a moment, he chooses the bright path - but first he changes the signs.
* Stalin, on his deathbed, is talking with his successor-to-be, Khrushchev. Stalin, with his dying breath, says "But what if the people won't go with you, comrade?" Khrushchev replies, "Don't worry! If they don't go with *me*, I'll make sure that they're going with *you*."
* An American and a Russian are waiting for their friend, a Chinese guy. The Chinese guy finally arrives twenty minutes late. "Sorry," he says, "I was standing in line to buy some sausage." The American says, "What's a line?" and the Russian says, "What's a sausage?"
I was standing in line at the supermarket checkout last week.
I turned around and saw a beautiful young woman who looked a little familiar. I told her that I thought I knew her, to which she replied, "Well you should remember me. You`re the father of one of my kids."
I had to stop and think, and then it hit me. "New Years Eve - 2008. That rooftop party in San Diego! Wow! We got so high together, didn`t we? That was some night, huh? I guess I should have stayed in touch."
She looked at me a little puzzled and said, "What are you talking about? I am your son`s pre-school teacher."
THIS IS THE BEST 1 LINE JOKE I'VE EVER HEARD!!! SIMPLE & PERFECT! WHAT'S YOURS????
When I told everyone I wanted to get in to stand up comedy everybody laughed at me......but nobody is laughing now.
A man and his wife go golfing
A man and his wife go golfing, and on the 8th hole he shanks the ball into a nearby barn. "Darn it," he says, "I'll have to take a penalty on that ball."
"No you don't," his wife says. "If I stand here and hold the barn door open, you should be able to get to the green in two."
So she holds the door open, and he takes his swing. The ball hits his wife in the head, killing her instantly.
A year to the day passes and it finds the golfer back on the same course, this time playing with a co-worker. As luck would have it, he shanks it again and ends up in the same barn.
"Don't worry," says the co-worker, "I can hold the door open and you'll be back on the fairway like that."
"Oh no," the golfer says, "I did the exact same thing a year ago with terrible results."
"What was that?" the co-worker asks.
"I got a 4 over," the golfer says.
EDIT -- corrected punch line.
Common enemy joke
I have an inquiry that this group may be able to answer. I'm looking for a related joke or a video describing how complete strangers become friends once they have a common enemy. For the life of me I cannot remember this stand up routine in which the comedian describes the exact situation in which two complete strangers give each other a knowing look once they realize the old lady in front of them in a checkout line is writing a check or pulling out change. Any help is much appreciated.
A bus full of ugly people crashes
A bus full of ugly people crashes and everyone inside now stands at the gates of heaven. St. Peter announces to them "Before you enter heaven, I will grant unto each of you one wish." He approaches the first ugly person and the man says "I wish I was beautiful." Right as he says this the last ugly person in line starts to chuckle. So one by one St. Peter goes down the line, each person wishes "I wish I was beautiful", and every time someone wishes that, the last person laughs harder and harder. Finally, St. Peter reaches the last man, who at this point is on the ground crying he's laughing so hard. St. Peter asks him "Well, what is your wish?" to which the man replies, "Make them all ugly again!"
A man goes hunting...
He is an Atheist. He is in the woods when he trips and drops his rifle down a cliffs edge, and a Bear corners him. Knowing its his last line of life, but un willing to ask for god, he thinks of a witty idea, he says "If there is a god, please make this bear a christian!".The bear stands up and says "Dear lord, thank you for this meal im about to eat".
Hueh.
A drill sergeant and his cadet..
A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets. As he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave." The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"
Someone was thinking of unemployment joke ,,
A Guy standing in the line inside an unemployment building try to look for work , suddenly a person collaspse in front of him and started to have a fit , A guy yell is there a doctor in the house?
At my high school graduation I saw a bowl of fruit punch...
So I told a bunch of my friends "I want to make a joke which requires some audience participation."
Then, I proceeded to instruct them to stand, single file, in front of the bowl. Once they had, I told them "Here's the punch line."
This is a completely true story, so I do not regret it.
Every joke needs one
A priest and a rabbi walk into a wedding party looking for something to drink. The priest approaches some folks standing with empty glasses and asks a man "Pardon me, is this line for the punch?" To which the man replied "yep, this is the punch line."
NASA CHICKEN CANON
NASA engineers build a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne fowl.
British engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements are made, and a cannon is sent to the British engineers.
When the cannon goes off, the engineers stand shocked as the chicken crashes into the shatterproof shield, smashes it to smithereens, blasts through the control console, snaps the pilot's backrest in two, and embeds itself in the back wall of the cabin.
The horrified Brits send the Americans a report of the disastrous results, along with an urgent request for suggests on improving the windshield design.
The American engineers respond with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."
True Story re: marriage
Setting: I have a bad back. I'm standing in line for a flu shot. Guy in front of me knows me. Guy behind me is a stranger.
Guy in front: Hey John, hows your back?
Me: It's great now! I had my entire spine removed.
Guy behind me: Yea, I'm married too.
A man is standing in the street holding a sign saying "punch me"...
A man is standing in the street holding a sign saying "punch me". There's a que of people all waiting to get a hit. A man walks up to the que of people and asks "What's going on here?". They all turn to him and reply "This is the punch line"
Single or Married ?
A woman is shopping in the local supermarket. She selects some milk, some eggs, a carton of juice, and a package of bacon. As she unloads her items at the cash register to pay, a drunk standing behind her in line watches her place the four items on the belt and states with assurance, "You must be single."
The woman looks at the four items on the belt, and seeing nothing unusual about her selection says, "That's right. How on earth did you know?"
He replies, "Because you're ugly."
Drunk a grocery store
Drunk guy standing in line at a grocery store looks at the woman in front of him then down at her items at the register.
He says "You must be single"
The woman kinda annoyed but amazed says " OK I'll bite, how did you know that?"
Drunk man looks at her and slurs " Cause you're ugly"
The Two Gates of Heaven
When men go to heaven there are two gates which they can choose from. The first is labeled "Men who are controlled by their wives" then other labeled "Men who control their wives".
The first gate had thousands of men waiting to enter, while the second gate only had 1 man in line. When God came to check on the lines he approached the one individual standing in the "Men who control their wives" line and asked: "Why are you the only man standing here?"
The man replies: "I don't know my wife told me to stand here"
A classic w**... Allen stand-up line: the political magazines Commentry and Dissent have decided to merge
They're gonna call the new magazine "Dissentary" ....
At my school dance the guy at the concessions stand wanted to tell a joke.
But there was no punch line.
All Men Go to Heaven...
...and upon arrival at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells the recently departed to form two lines: one for the 'man of the house'; and a second for those obedient and dutiful to their wives. The first line had only 1 man standing in it, while the second line was miles long.
St. Peter turns to the one man standing in the first line and asks, "Man, how did you end up in this line?!"
To which the man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
The Vietnamese place on my street has soup so popular they make you stand in a line to get it.
It's a big pho queue.
I went to this party full of stand up comedians
The only way to get a drink was to wait for the punch line.
(Here's a Pick up line) ... You should sell hot dogs !
Because you know how to make a wiener stand!
Gary: Standing in line at the movies, little white girl has a brown colored doll. Talk about progress in America brehs.
Fred: But she owns that doll tho.
A guy wants to take his girlfriend to prom
So he waits in line to buy tickets. It's a long line. He wants it to be a memorable night- he stands in line for hours to get a limo. On his way to pick her up, he stops to buy flowers. Theres a long line here too. When they get to the prom later that night, she suggests they get some punch. He goes to the refreshment table and there's no punch line.
So I was standing in the toilet queue at my high school ball. I was wondering why there were also women waiting in the same line so I asked the guy in front of me.
"This is the punchline."
Doctors are advising people who are very sensitive to the cold to go stand in a corner.
Because as you know, corners are always 90 degrees
Stolen from Who's Line Is It Anyway
I recently met a Chinese man and his name was Kannaswami.
I asked him: "How did you ever get a name like that being a Chinese?"
He said: "Many, many years ago when I first went to USA, I was standing in line at the Political Asylums Immigration Counter. The man in front of me was a Sri Lankan Tamil r**....
The white lady at the counter looked at him and asked "What is your name?" He replied "Kannaswami".
Then she looked at me and asked "What's your name?"
I said, "Sem Ting".
While standing in line at the Vietnamese noodle place, I realized...
...I was stuck in the Pho queue.
So the other day I was standing in a line for an ATM...
There was an old lady there who looked like she had absolutely no clue what she was doing, after a bit of fumbling with the keys, she turned to me and said, "You look like a helpful young lad, Could you help me check my balance."
So I pushed her over.
I finally understand why Colin Kaepernick didn't vote!
He doesn't like *standing* in-line.
A joke for all the Math-Heads out there
There were 5 performers standing in a line. The first guy was a singer. The second, an actor. The guy in the middle was the comedian.
An old man dies and goes up to heaven
He arrives at the Pearly Gates and he sees two signs. The first sign reads, "MEN WHO CONTROLLED BY THEIR WIVES". The old man looks and sees that this line is about 10 miles long. So the old man looks at the second sign. It reads "MEN WHO WERE NOT CONTROLLED BY THEIR WIVES". There's only o**... in this line. Slowly the old man walks over to him, "Tell me, why are you standing over here?". The guy looks at him and says "I don't know, my wife told me to."
A bank robber gets hold of the cash he needs but before fleeing the scene he demands the regular customers to stand in a line
The bank robber ask the first guy in line: "did you see what happened here?"
First guy: "I sure did! And I'm gonna tell the police exactly what happened and what you look lik..."
The bank robber shoots him in the head and ask the next in line the same question.
Second guy: "I assure you I did not see a thing... but my wife here did"
Soviet Breadline
At one of USSR's breadlines during the Perestroika, a man in the crowd is mumbling to himself. "No bread, no milk, no meat, what a shame".
Two policemen walking the beat hearing his mumbling walk up to him, and say:
"Comrade, if you said that 40 years ago you'd be shot, so just shut up and stand in line like everybody else"
As the policemen leave, the man turns back to the crowd and says:
"Not only we don't have bread or milk, but I was just told we ran out of bullets too."
Today I had to punch out a midget
He was standing next to my girlfriend in line and told her that her hair smelled nice.
I was bullied a lot in school.
Eventually I went on to musical success. Years down the line, I stopped in my hometown to do a show. It turned out the biggest of my bullies was hired to handle my displays.
I watched for a while as he tried to put up some cardboard cutouts of myself. Every time he would set one up, another one fell over.
Now that I'm in charge, he can't stand up two me's.
Wait. What's your name?
I recently met a Chinese man and got to know that his name was Kannaswami.
I asked him, "How did you ever get a name like that being a Chinese?"
He said -"Many, many years ago when I first went to USA, I was standing in line at the Political Asylum Immigration Counter. The man in front of me was a Sri Lankan Tamil r**....
The white lady at the counter looked at him and asked
"What is your name?" He replied "Kannaswami".
Then she looked at me and asked
"What's your name?"
I said, "Sem Ting"
Curious fact: if all people of the world will stand in line on the Equator
Most of them will drown.
Bank Robber
A masked armed robber runs into a bank and up to the first teller. As he begins to tell her to give up the cash, his mask falls off. He puts it back on and then asks her if she saw his face. She replies yes, so he shoots her dead. Next teller is asked the same thing, replies yes and bang, dead. He then turns to a couple standing in line and asks the man if he saw his face. The man replies "No, but my wife did."
Federal Agents stand around the water cooler and discuss passing the buck on the case where 45 y/o Kevin Easterly abducts 16 y/o Amy Yu across state lines to Mexico.
While standing in line to meet my maker, a guy asked me how I died.
Me: Standard m**... s**... in regard to my ex wife.
Guy: Really? I don't see her anywhere here.
Me: I have dyslexia.
I used to work at the tinnitus support phone line, but unfortunately I had to quit...
...I just couldn't stand the constant ringing in my ears.
Two men are standing in line in Russia
One says to the other "What is this line for?"
"Toilet paper" his friend replies.
"I'm SICK of these endless lines just to get the basic needs of life! ", he says. "I'm going to go kill Putin."
He leaves, but comes back within a couple of hours. His friend is still standing in line for toilet paper. "Why are you back?", he asks. "Did you kill Putin?"
"No", the man replies, "The line for that was longer than this one!"
A bloke keeps ringing me...
and singing Stand and Deliver down the line. I keep telling him he's got the wrong number, but he's adamant.
If you are standing in line in England to buy some Vietnamese soup you are in the...
Pho Queue
What did Black Friday have in common with my last s**... attempt?
Just ended up standing there for something I didn't really want because of the long line.
Euler's Number, an imaginary number, and the speed of light are all waiting in line to buy tickets to the show. In what order do they stand in line?
*i* before *e*, except after *c*.
Classical joke
I remember once in pre-virus times, I was standing in a fairly long line for a classical music concert. A dude on a skateboard rode up to me and asked what's all the excitement about? Who's playing? I told him Yo-Yo Ma. And he punched me in the face!
I was at a party the other day..
A girl came up to me and asked where she could get a drink. I point at a group of people standing over to the left and said
'That's the punch line.'
Mikhail Gorbachev started an anti-alcohol campaign in USSR in 1980s. People went crazy because of the restrictions on selling of alcohol. An old Soviet joke went like this:
A disaffected and angry citizen, fed up of standing in lines for v**..., decided to go assassinate Gorbachev. He soon came back and ruefully reported that the lines to assassinate Gorbachev were even longer than the lines for v**....
India has decided to boycott Chinese products on all fronts to protest the latter's stand on disputed territories and their failure to inform India on the Coronavirus.
Meanwhile, Chinese textile mills are rolling out an all-new clothing line: "Boycott China" and are anticipating great demand from India.
Teacher and Student..
**Teacher:** Didn't I tell you to stand at the end of the line?
**Student:** I tried but there was someone already there!
4 Nuns
Four Nuns are standing in line for confession.
Nun 1: Forgive me, father, I have seen a n**... man.
Priest: Go wash your eyes in Holy Water and you will be forgiven.
Nun 2: Forgive me, father, I touched a n**... man.
Priest: Go wash your hands in Holy Water and you will be forgiven.
Nun 4 (speaking to Nun 3): Can I go in front of you?
Nun 3 (responding to Nun 4): Why?
Nun 4: I am not going to gargle the Holy Water after you wash your b**... in it.
A group of boxers stand in line to get some drinks at a party.
That's it. That's the punchline.
A Drill sergeant chewed out one of his cadet
The Sarge smiled and said I guess when I die you'll dance on my grave
The cadet shakes his head, Not me Sarge I promised myself that when I got out of the army I'd never stand in line again