The Best 40 Standi Jokes

Be sure you are standing on your left foot and only your left foot at midnight tonight...

...so that you start the new year off on the right foot!

Standing at the urinal

I was in a public restroom earlier today and another man came in and commented that the some of the lights were burnt out. Then he said "I used to come in here for show and tell, but now it's more like search and rescue!"

There were three standing on a bridge

He, she and his.

I was standing out side the other day and a bat flew at my head

it was a Louisville Slugger and I don't remember much after that.

I was standing next to a guy before he was brutally stabbed.

It was a near-death experience.

What is it like, to be standing at the foot of an empty grave, not knowing who will one day be in it?

Unbereavable.

Standing behind a lady at Home Depot. Heard her ask for suggestions for tools to buy her grandson who was studying to be a quantum mechanic.

When standing on top of a staircase, it becomes a universal mode of transport.

Where it goes is up to you.

I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business.

This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said,
"You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

So I was standing in the toilet queue at my high school ball. I was wondering why there were also women waiting in the same line so I asked the guy in front of me.

"This is the punchline."

I was standing in the middle of a park...

Pondering about why a frisbee was growing larger and larger...

And then, it hit me

While standing in line at the Vietnamese noodle place, I realized...

...I was stuck in the Pho queue.

I was standing outside their school waiting for the kids to finish, when a parent came up and asked "So which one is yours?"

I replied "Not sure, haven't decided yet".

Standing in line for the restroom

I guess it's a hot commode-ity today.

Standing in the park I was wondering

Why does the frisbee get larger when it gets closer?

And then it hit me.

I was standing on a ladder, painting the ceiling when i fell onto my paint buckets below.

It was paintful

I was standing at a bus stop feeling I had missed something

Turned out I missed a bus.

Whenever I have a one night stand,I alweys use protection.

A fake name and a fake number.

Me, Standing next to a heavily pregnant woman at the bus stop

Me: When is it due?

Her: 9 days.

Me: 9 days? F*ck that, I'll start walking.

I was standing in a library

And a black dude walks up to me and asked if i knew where the colored printer was. I told him "dude, it's almost 2018, use any printer you want."

I was standing just next to Aj1t Pa1 when he was using Tor Browser ...

I peeked at his PornHub account and his username was AJ1T_3.14Inches

I should get on of those standing desks.

This one that relaxes on its side isn't very useful.

While standing in line to meet my maker, a guy asked me how I died.

Me: Standard murder suicide in regard to my ex wife.

Guy: Really? I don't see her anywhere here.

Me: I have dyslexia.

I was standing in the park, wondering why the frisbee looked bigger as it came towards me

Then it hit me

Standing in a graveyard, Lex Luthor and his subordinate are planning Superman's demise

Lex: This is the night I bury Superman!

Henchman: You've finally figured out his weakness?

Lex: Yes, this evening, I'll lure him into this tomb and he'll be incapacitated!

Henchman: How does that work?

Lex: It's his crypt-tonight.

How is standing on a railway track like playing music?

Most likely neither will get you a successful career.

If you are standing in line in England to buy some Vietnamese soup you are in the...

Pho Queue

I was standing outside an urban footwear shop that was promoting violence.

The sign said: "Kicks for sale!"

I was standing in an elevator with a jew

I was standing in an elevator with a jew, when I farted he looked at me and I said "what? A little gas never hurt anyone"

Standing 2 steps from my wife I took a step towards her and asked, "Did you feel that?"

The force of attraction between us just got four times larger.

It's over, she said, standing up and starting to walk out on me. I just sat there..

...I love watching the end credits when I go to the movies.

I was standing in the park today, and I was wondering why a Frisbee appears larger, the closer it gets.....

Then it hit me.

I'm standing in a bank with a mask, glasses, gloves

The banker asks me "What can I do for you?". From the astonishment I didn't even pull out my gun.

I was standing there, wondering why that car was getting closer...

Then it hit me.

Standing at the pearly gates

God: Welcome my son

You........

God: You know why you're here, don't you?

You........

God: Tell me why you're here.

You: Because I was eating ass at a pool party during a global pandemic?

God: Because you were eating ass at a pool party during a global pandemic.

I've been standing in this place where they keep throwing car parts at me,

but I haven't been able to catch a brake.

I was standing outside the gym...

And there was a billboard that said: "OPEN 24/7!"

"That's not very helpful," I told myself. "July is ages away."

###

Standing in Schiphol airport, I overheard the two women next to me. One was trying to remember the name of the Dutch company that builds jet planes. I knew the answer and thought....

Fokker.

Here I am, standing at the entrance of this deep cave.

Who's that idiot inside repeating everything I shout?