The Best 75 Standards Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Standards jokes. There are some standards productivity jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these standards double standard puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Standards Jokes and Puns
I try to keep up with large vehicle emission standards
But idling busses are exhausting.
Some people's standards make no sense whatsoever
For some reason being under 18 is a huge turn off...
The Montana Department of Employment
The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.
AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.
RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.
AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.
RANCHER: That would be me.
Apparently women prefer men who are taller than them.
So I guess it could be said that tall women have higher standards.
My wife has everything I could ever want in a woman:
Low standards.
What does a prostitute and a lawyer have in common?
They both screw you for $300 per hour.
What's the difference? Most prostitutes have standards.
My standards for chimneys are so high...
they go through the roof.
My standards for women are the same as my standards for juice.
Five and Alive.
We all know that the Nazis loved American jazz standards, but what was Hitler's favourite jazz song?
There will never be another Jew.
An American factory orders a shipment of a certain part from a Japanese factory.
They write a letter to warn their partners "Be aware of our strict standards, we only accept 3 defective parts per 10 000".
The Japanese reply: "We don't quite understand what do you need them for, but as per request, we manufactured three defective parts and attach them separately hereby"
Today I was offered sex
I was offered sex today, with a 21 year old girl, in exchange I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner to my friends. Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standards with strong will power. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner, now available scented lemon or vanilla.
- Source - facebook though it was funny so I though I'd share.
You can explore standards norm reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean standards preference dad jokes. There are also standards puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
My standards for women are way too high
You could almost say they're... Double standards
I hate double standards...
When a girl wears a thong she is called bold and sexy. But when I do it I'm just called drunk and asked to leave Denny's.
Double standards are not fair!
When miley cirus gets naked and licks hammers its beautiful and artistic, but when I do it its weird, creepy and I get a life time ban from Ikea.
A girl came to me today...
...and told me she will have sex with me if I advertise some random liquid detergent. Of course I said no, after all I'm a powerful man with high standards. As powerful as the new Ajax detergent, which offers a unique freshness, activated on air contact.
I have standards. I'm looking for a woman that 36-24-36.
Age, IQ, Body fat %, that is.
My standards are as high as my pull up bar
which is on the ground, in my basement.
My ex was just diagnosed as a narcissist
Good to see I'm not the only one with low standards.
Why did the banjo player get into heaven?
The devil has standards.
It's been so long since I've met a woman who has what I'm looking for...
Low standards.
My exes broke up with me because I'm a pot lover.
I guess you can say they don't have high standards.
Today I was offered sex by an 18 year old female...
Now I'm not gonna lie this chick was smoking hot. In exchange for the sex I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner for her. Of course I, being the great person that I am, declined because I have high moral standards and my willpower is very strong.....but not as nearly as strong as Ajax, the safe and affordable bathroom cleaner, now available in lemon and vanilla scents
Double standards are the worst.
I mean, one flag is enough.
Why should apiarists determine standards of beauty?
Because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
Why do feminists only drive cars with automatic transmissions?
It pains them to have standards.
I only date girls that smoke weed
I guess you can say I have high standards
Why is it so hard to get into a relationship with an SJW?
Because they have high double standards.
I'm putting my standards up for adoption
Because I can't raise them anymore
Why do humans have such a hard time dating rich zombies?
Because they have better standards of living.
It's double standards!!!!
When The Hulk goes off into a vicious rage and destroys everything, he's "Incredible."
But when I do it,
I'm, "an alcoholic."
My girlfriend often accuses me of telling sexist, condescending jokes that target women.
I've explained to her those jokes are actually ironic jabs at the current state of post-modern feminism, designed to highlight societal double standards across genders.
So she needn't worry her pretty little head about it.
Being a magician has made me surprisingly successful at picking up women
My best trick is to make their standards... *disappear!*
A guy walks into a bar...
The guy sees a beautiful lady and walks to her.
Guy: Excuse me Miss? You dropped something.
Girl: What did I drop?
Guy: Your standards, hi my name is PandaGen
My Jewish friends have very high hygiene standards
For instance, they've been in the showers for years now..
Why does a bigot have double standards?
If not, he wouldn't have any standards at all.
Me trying to flirt
Me: hey girl you dropped something
Girl: what?
Me: your standards, hi I'm John
Society is full of double standards
For example, when Ariel from The Little Mermaid swims around half naked, singing with her underwater friends, people say that she is "sweet" and "beautiful"
But when I do it, people say that I'm "drunk" and "no longer welcome at the aquarium".
Double standards
If my wife walks into the women's locker room, it's considered okay and normal. If I walk into the women's locker room, I get yelled at and called a "creep" and a "perv".
Double Standards [One-Liner]
Sure if a girl wants to be choked it's hot and kinky, but if I want to choke a girl, it's all of a sudden "domestic abuse"
American standards have increased so much...
that they are all double standards now
Standards are good
Double standards are twice as good
Life is pretty much like Netflix
If you eliminate your standards completely, there's more to enjoy
How many fat activists does it take to change a lightbulb?
The lightbulb is beautiful the way it is. Society needs to change and learn to accept and stop shaming lightbulbs that don't conform to its standards.
Three things I cannot stand:
* stupid people
* judgemental people
* double standards
* people who can't count
* lists
* irony
What do you call an oil that doesn't live up to its standards?
A "Disapp-ointment."
Fun fact: Popeye the Sailor Man isn't actually all that strong by Danish or Norwegian standards...
... but he's strong to the Finnish!
I was trying to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am, but then I remembered that I do not own a dog.
So now I am trying to live up to the standards of an imaginary dog.
So one month I decided to be more honest,
and my way out of league crush said one day that she had a crush on me. I said, Raise your standards.
Organ donation has a nasty double standard when it comes to praise.
Some guy donates his kidney, he's praised as a hero. I donate 5, and I get arrested? Double standards smh
Kids have the lowest standards
Everything is about banging their friends moms even though their mamas are so fat that when she skips a meal, the stock market crashes
As I watched the gorilla banging against the glass I started to become mildly scared.
Standards have really dropped at the Red Light District.
Why do you never see Asian cops in the US?
Because Asian parents hold their children to high standards
I hate these double standards
If you burn a body at a crematorium, you are doing a good job , but do it at home and you're destroying evidence .
Why do teachers always laugh at the new standards for teaching math?
Because the real joke is always in the common core.
What do you call a doctor that helps you conform to standards?
A protocologist
I was a cocky little punk when I was younger
I remember one time, when I was 9 years old, getting called into the principal's office.
Your behavior is out of line, and getting worse & worse each day. Standards really are slipping."
"I'll do the talking he replied.
I'm so tired of double standards.
When women have sex with a bunch of guys they're "empowering themselves" or "owning their sexuality".
Meanwhile, if I do the same thing I'm "just some gay guy".
I hate double standards
When celebrities wear near see-through dresses, they are "chic" and " fashionable", but when I do it I'm "wasting cling wrap" and "ruining Christmas"
I hate double standards.
Burn a body at a crematorium, you're being a respectful friend. Do it at home and you're destroying evidence.
I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today.
I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.ο»Ώ
So many double standards between men and women nowadays.
When women have sex with men a lot,they get called whores. When I do it I get called gay
What do you call a gangster who believes in double standards?
A hypocrip.
All the women I have slept with have one thing in common
They have incredibly low standards.
A school robotics team made an ultimate weapon, and needed ammo that makes everything fall apart.
That's why they used common core standards.
Why is a Detroit Lions fan the easiest to date?
Her standards are so low, because every year she gets disappointed by 55 men.
Double standards are ridiculous
How is it that when sleeps with loads of women he's a stud, but when a woman does the same thing, she's a lesbian
An attractive co-worker that I've been working with for 3 years confessed to me today, but I rejected her.
One way to spot a woman with low standards is when they start liking me.
I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl todayβ¦
In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a man with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in lemon and vanilla scents!
An Irishman's dog dies so he goes to see the local priest.
An Irishman's dog dies so he goes to see the local priest and tells him, "Father, me old dog died. Can ye say a wee mass for the old gal?"
"No. Can't do it. The Church doesn't do funeral mass for pets, but I'll tell you what, the Protestant church down the hill will most likely do it. They don't have the same high standards that we do."
"Fine father, but I have one more question for ye. Would two hundred euro be enough of a donation to thank them for their services."
The priest's eye grew wide and he slapped the man on the back telling him, "Ahhh, man, why didn't you TELL me that your dog was Catholic?!"
I have only one rule when it comes to attire
I dress to meet the bare minimum standards that any given occasion dictates.
I call it...
Occam's Blazer.
A 4'6 woman walks into a matchmaking serviceβ¦
A 4'6 (137cm) woman walks into a matchmaking service.
She says to the man behind the counter, I'm really insecure about my height, so the only thing I'm looking for in a partner is that he's shorter than me.
The man replies, You've got really low standards.
.
[OC, I think]
I was offered a good hot time today by a hot 21 year old redhead
In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I said no as I have high moral standards and very strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in scented lemon or vanilla.
Looks doesnΒ΄t really matter
* Girl: The reason why youΒ΄re still single is because your standards are too high. Looks doesnΒ΄t really matter, you know.
* Boy: Wow! YouΒ΄re the first non-beautiful person that IΒ΄ve heard say that looks doesnΒ΄t matter..
* Girl: WHAT?! Are you calling ME ugly!!!
* Boy: Why so upset? You just said looks doesnΒ΄t matter..
Someone told me I should have some standards, But I'm too lazy.
I think I'll have sitards instead.
When I used to drink alcohol, they called me alcoholic
But now that I've switched to Fanta, why won't they call me Fantastic? Double standards anyone?
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the standards eliminate jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working standards universities piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.