Standard Time Jokes

17 standard time jokes and hilarious standard time puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about standard time that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Standard Time Short Jokes

Short standard time jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The standard time humour may include short time zone jokes also.

  1. Why do humans have such a hard time dating rich zombies? Because they have better standards of living.
  2. While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back in 20 minutes.
    The woman asked, "Is that 20 minutes Central Standard Time?"
  3. Double standards are not fair! When miley cirus gets n**... and licks hammers its beautiful and artistic, but when I do it its weird, creepy and I get a life time ban from Ikea.

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Standard Time One Liners

Which standard time one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with standard time? I can suggest the ones about standard and time difference.

  1. Why is Eastern Standard Time the best timezone? cause you cant spell best without est

Standard Time Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about standard time you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean time keeping jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make standard time pranks.

My final work dad joke

I always include a dad joke on the schedule for my employees (which this sub helps out with when I can't think of one, thank you). Next Friday is my last day, and this is the last schedule I'm sending to them. We work in a bookstore, and my final, cringe inducing joke to them is:
After careful consideration, I've decided to leave my job at the bookstore.
_It's time to turn the page to a new chapter in my life_
Pretty bad even by my standards, but it felt right.

A huge crab walks into a bar...

...and says to the barman, "I demand one pint of lager. I will pay the full price, provided that the following criteria are met. The beer should be served to me within one minute of ordering, and at a temperature of between 6-9 degrees Celsius. The beer should be served in a clean, cold glass and a beer mat must be provided. If the quality of the provided beer does not meet my high standards, you must agree to refund the full amount charged, and provide any additional financial compensation for any discomfort, stress or time wasted."
The barman looks at the crab and says, "why the big clause?"

I was offered a good hot time today by a hot 21 year old redhead

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I said no as I have high moral standards and very strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in scented lemon or vanilla.

I was a c**... little punk when I was younger

I remember one time, when I was 9 years old, getting called into the principal's office.
Your behavior is out of line, and getting worse & worse each day. Standards really are slipping."
"I'll do the talking he replied.

Glass with Water

This joke is said so many times, there must be some good variations. I want to know if you guys heard any.
Standard: There is a glass of water to the halfway point. People are asked to describe the glass.
Optimist: Half Full
Pessimist: Half Empty
Engineer: Glass is twice as big as it needs to be
Example Variation:
Mathematician: It depends on how the glass achieved it's current state. (Limits, anyone?)

A lawyer arrives at the pearly gates...

St. Peter says "good lad! Let me welcome you to heaven! You shall live in a house made of gold, with a yard as far as the eye can see and other luxuries you can imagine!" So the lawyer went in happily.
Then, a priest arrives. He thought "for sure, I will get something better than the lawyer, as I am a man of God!"
But st. Peter says,"welcome! Make your way down the road to the left, and you'll get a standard house as the others."
Outraged, the priest asked " how come that lawyer gets a better treatment than me?"
St. Peter replies "we got plenty of priests in heaven, but this is the first time we got a lawyer!"

An old farmer, back in times of kolkhoz

lives his life peacefully until one day he realizes he doesn't feel as good as usual. He proceeds to visit a local doctor, old friend of his. Doctor makes standard check and finds nothing. He tells farmer to drop his pants for further inspection and as farmer does so the doctor sees farmer is not wearing any underwear. He tells him to get a pair of underpants "They are *cleanliness* and *warmth*, you will feel better!" Farmer takes the advice and gets back home to continue plowing field. He continues doing so, until he needs to take dump. He stops his tractor, heads to side of field near some bushes. As he has used, he drops the pants, sits and does his deed. After he is done, he pulls pants back and turns around get rid of his accomplishment he sees nothing but clear ground. "Wow, **cleanliness** indeed!" - he thinks.
The farmer heads back to resume working, sits down and says- "Ah, and finally there is the **warmth**."

Tech Companies are getting into Showers.

A Google shower would make you sign in to Google+, track how many times per day you shower, then sell it to advertisers.
A Facebook shower would have a camera watch you so you can share it with your friends
An Apple shower would only work with an obscure showerhead that uses a non-standard connection, would be no longer supported after 5 years, and would force you to buy a new home to upgrade.
A Linux shower would require that you first spend 40 years becoming a master plumber, carpenter, engineer, and electrician, renovate your entire house from the ground up to install it, and would not be compatible with your utility company's water.

"The watch"

My dad just reminded me of this old classic!
Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?" Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says. "Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolitan areas. He hits a few b**... and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more b**... and the same voice said something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding. The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says Jake. He pushes a few more b**... and a tiny but very hi-resolution, map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake. "View recede ten," Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state. "I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger. "Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs, says the inventor. "But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books," though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake. "I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger. "No, you don't understand; it's not ready." "I'll give you $1000 for it!" "Oh, no, I've already spent more than -" "I'll give you $5000 for it!" "But it's just not -" "I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook. Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it." Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. "Hey, wait a minute," calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries.

The Lumberjack Joke

Two lumberjacks, Bob and Screwball, are working in a mill. All is well until Screwball accidentally leans too far forward and gets his arm chopped off. Bob says "Oh no!", puts the decapitated arm in a plastic grocery bag and drives to the nearest hospital.
The next day, Bob shows up for work at the mill as usual, expecting to have to work twice as hard since Screwball is gone. But when he opens the door, Screwball's right there, arm totally healed, working away as if nothing happened. Bob keeps his confusion to himself and the day goes on as normal.
Screwball, the idiot he is, hasn't learned his lesson, and carelessly leans too forward again. This time, his leg gets chopped off. Bob quickly puts the dismembered leg in a bag and rushes off to the hospital.
Bob goes into work the next morning not knowing what to think. Trusty old Screwball is working away, as if his leg was never gone. Bob is no longer worried. Screwball does the same thing he did the two previous days, leans too far forward, and gets his head chopped off. Bob does what is fairly standard procedure by now - he puts his head in a bag and drives to the hospital.
After a little while, Bob decides to visit his friend. He asks a nurse about him, and the nurse says, "Oh, that guy? He would have made it, but some idiot put his head in a bag and he suffocated to death."

Bad News

In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news, he said as he surveyed the worried faces, The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a length of time, someone asked, Well, how much does a brain cost? The Doctor quickly responded, $5000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, Why is the male brain so much more?
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then to the entire group said, It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used.

Our staff has completed the 3 years of work on time and under budget.
We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system.
We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change.
We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect the following new standards:
Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December and...
Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak
I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y-to-K problem has made any sense to me.
But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible.And what does the year 2000 have to do with it?
Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00?
We await your direction.