The Best 53 Standard Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Standard jokes. There are some standard redefine jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these standard double standard puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 Funniest Standard Jokes and Puns
Walk The Line
A cop is doing standard patrol when he notices a car swerving all over the road. He quickly turns on his siren and pulls the guy over. Alright, says the cop, when the man gets out of the car. Walk in a straight line. I'd be happy to, says the drunk just stop moving the stupid line.
Yo mama's so mean...
She has no standard deviation.
The three most important things to have in a survival situation.
Every survival kit needs to have three things.
1) A zippo: Trusty lighter to start fires to cook food and keep warm.
2) A good knife: Something to be able to help build a shelter and hunt.
3) A standard deck of playing cards: As soon as you realize you're stranded, deal out a game of solitaire on the ground. About half way through your game, someone will come up behind you and say "That can go there." Boom, you're saved.
Mr T and I were thinking about scaling a glass wall.
We were looking at the standard equipment and the fancy equipment too. I selected the most basic suction device for my ascent, and suggested Mr T do likewise.
He looked at me and said, "I ain't using no plain sucker!"
On the Duck Dynasty Outrage,....
It's such a double standard.
When a white guy acts bad on TV, people rush to A&E and demand the show is cancelled.
When a black guy acts bad on TV, you don't see people rushing to Fox demanding they cancel COPS.
Glass with Water
This joke is said so many times, there must be some good variations. I want to know if you guys heard any.
Standard: There is a glass of water to the halfway point. People are asked to describe the glass.
Optimist: Half Full
Pessimist: Half Empty
Engineer: Glass is twice as big as it needs to be
Example Variation:
Mathematician: It depends on how the glass achieved it's current state. (Limits, anyone?)
My standards for chimneys are so high...
they go through the roof.
What do you do if you step on a landmine?
Well standard procedure is to jump 50 feet and spread over a wide area.
My standards for women are the same as my standards for juice.
Five and Alive.
What was the statistician's fetish?
Let's just say he had the standard deviation.
My standards for women are way too high
You could almost say they're... Double standards
You can explore standard capacity reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean standard typical dad jokes. There are also standard puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Who is better
Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up whose father. One boy said, "My father is better than your father." The other kid said, "Well, my mother is better than your mother." The first boy paused, "I guess you're right. My father says the same thing."
How many Microsoft executives does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They just redefine 'darkness' as an industry standard.
What is the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to all of your devices and accesses the data, the other is a hardware standard.
Did you hear about the perverted statistician?
Standard deviation wasn't enough for him anymore...
How many house flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just the standard two, but I'll be damned if I know how they got in there.
Your Mum's so Mean
she doesn't even have a standard deviation.
A standard elevator can hold 1700 lbs
or 5 Tinder matches...
I like my women as I like my pre-expansion universes
So hot and dense that it violates the Pauli exclusion principle and demands a better understanding of the standard model
Yo momma's so mean
she has no standard deviation
Multijokes: How many Jews can you fit in a family car.
Standard Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and six-million in the ashtray.
Follow-Up Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and none anywhere else because the Holocaust never happened.
Alternate Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and a family of eight hiding under the roof-rack.
Efficient Answ**e**r: Not enough, we'll need to use trains.
Anti-Joke Answ**e**r: Please tell me, myself and some Jewish friends are going to Florida but ~~cannot afford~~ are too-cheap for plane tickets.
Racist Answ**e**r: Throw a dollar in there and they'll all get in.
Why are jerks nice sometimes?
Standard deviation of the mean
(OC, as far as I know)
What Size Underwear Do Feminists Wear?
#Double Standard.
A Frenchman and an Ethiopian got into a heated argument.
The Frenchman said, "We have better food, wine, standard of living, transportation, infrastructure, economy, and GDP than you! What do you have? Nothing!"
The Ethiopian answered, "At least we didn't surrender to the Axis!"
What standardized test do mexicans take?
The ESE T !!
So my parents were "debating" at the dinner table the other night
Mom: Cougar is the term used to describe an older woman who desires young men. I'm seeing a double standard here. Why isn't there a term for an older man who desires young women? What is he called?
Dad: Smart.
So a man walks into a bar
And the warden said "dammit jim, i told you not to put the blind person in the standard jail cell"
Standards are good
Double standards are twice as good
What is the difference betweeen the USA and a USB
One records and reads all of your personal data, and the other is a hardware standard.
Why do They bury Lawyers 12' down instead of the standard 6'?
Because deep down, their really nice people.
Does anyone know of a good character encoding standard that I can give to someone I care about?
ASCII for a friend.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me a boring nerd..
I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25
What is the First Order's standard unit of measurement for length?
A Kylometer
I don't think women should be allowed to have kids after 40.
40 kids is way too much by any standard.
I walked into a Subway copycat joint earlier to see how their sandwiches compare. They claimed to be Sub standard...
but i thought they were below par.
I was talking to some friends about my fetish for anything statistics related...
and apparently it's not a standard deviation.
Organ donation has a nasty double standard when it comes to praise.
Some guy donates his kidney, he's praised as a hero. I donate 5, and I get arrested? Double standards smh
The crusty old managing partner finally passed away, but his firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him.
"I'm sorry, he's dead," was the standard answer.
Finally, the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realize it was always the same voice, so she asked who it was and why he kept calling.
The reply: "I used to be one of his junior associates, and I just like to hear you say it."
What comes standard with every German house?
A front porsche
How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb ?
None.
They redefine broken as the new standard.
Blackbeard goes into a bank...
Blackbeard goes into a bank looking to secure a loan for a new ship. The banker nods and says
"Yes everything is in order. You'll be gettin' the standard 3.14% interest rate."
Blackbeard raises an eyebrow at that.
"The standard rate? What's that mean?"
"3.14%. You know...the Pi Rate."
I don't think women should have kids after 40.
40 is way too many by any standard.
LG created a new proprietary Bluetooth technology and protestors are now rallying against the the IEEE 802.15.1 Bluetooth standard
Manufacturers have quickly adopted to LG's new protocol, as they are afraid of not supporting the LGBT.
My dentist has the inside of his whole building covered in posters of teeth, gums, toothbrushes etc.
God was i relieved to see that its not industry standard when I took my wife to the gynaecologist...
I hold my boyfriend and my dentist to the same standard...
They're not allowed to ask me open ended questions when they're in my mouth.
Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a restaurant, and Sylvester Stallone is like: "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."
Chuck says: "Don't you have any ideas?"
"Yeah, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers"
That's when Arnold trows himself in the conversation and says: "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can be Beethoven!"
"And who will you be, Arnold?"
"I'll be Bach."
What's the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to your devices and gathers your personal data, and the other is an industry standard.
My fried just got engaged to her boyfriend, Peter, and was gushing about how in love she is. Obviously the first thing out of my mouth was "oh, so you're a massive Peterphile!" Apparently that was "inappropriate" and now she's annoyed with me.
This is actually a true story, so hope it's okay that it's not in a standard joke format.
I think Model Trains cast an unrealistic beauty standard on actual trains...
But model trains never eat and real trains are always CHEW CHEW CHEW-ing
How many women of god can you fit in a standard size brothel?
Nun!
Why is one standard deviation wealthier than the other?
because it lives well below its mean.
As Steven Weinberg was finishing the presentation of his contributions to the Standard Model, a colleague asks:
"This work is incredible. Do you understand the gravity of what you've done?"
Weinberg: "No, weren't you listening? That's the only force we don't understand."
(I'm sorry for this terrible and obscure joke, feel free to downvote.)
Local retailers have stopped selling Russian Standard vodka.
That's the spirit!
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the standard metric jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working standard usual piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.