Standard Jokes
122 standard jokes and hilarious standard puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about standard that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
From classic one-liners to time-honored schoolyard quips, this article explores the nuances of Standard Jokes. From understanding the mathematical foundations of the Standard Deviation to appreciating the importance of timing, Standard Jokes are an art form. Dive into the historical context of Standard Comedy, the evolution of the Standard Poodle, and more. Learn the importance of being a Standard Best Man, the Standard Model of particle physics, and how to recognize Substandard material. Get a better appreciation for how Pauli Exclusion Principle affects our ability to appreciate humor, and understand the concepts of Capacity Utilization when it comes to a good joke.
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Funniest Standard Short Jokes
Short standard jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The standard humour may include short norm jokes also.
- If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me a boring nerd.. I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25
- The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn't share the flatbread recipe Just their standard naan disclosure agreement.
- What is the difference between USA and USB? One connects to all of your devices and accesses the data, the other is a hardware standard.
- I hold my boyfriend and my dentist to the same standard... They're not allowed to ask me open ended questions when they're in my mouth.
- How many teachers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, it's not on the state standardized test and light bulbs aren't in the budget.
- How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb ? None.
They redefine broken as the new standard. - Me trying to flirt Me: hey girl you dropped something
Girl: what?
Me: your standards, hi I'm John - What is the difference betweeen the USA and a USB One records and reads all of your personal data, and the other is a hardware standard.
- Why do Taiwanese students always do so well on their standardized tests? They've got a Taipei personality
- When people use metal detectors, they're treasure hunters… but when _I_ do it, I'm a thief and I need to leave the war memorial.
Double standards, man. I swear
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Standard One Liners
Which standard one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with standard? I can suggest the ones about uniform and ordinary.
- What Size underwear Do Feminists Wear? #Double Standard.
- A standard elevator can hold 1700 lbs or 5 Tinder matches...
- Double standards are the worst. I mean, one flag is enough.
- As an East Asian guy, I constantly get asked what's my background It's Windows standard.
- I'm putting my standards up for adoption Because I can't raise them anymore
- rishi sunak’s political stock is plummeting almost as fast as living standards.
- What comes standard with every German house? A front porsche
- Standards are good Double standards are twice as good
- My standards for chimneys are so high... they go through the roof.
- What standardized test do mexicans take? The ESE T !!
- How many women of god can you fit in a standard size brothel? Nun!
- What do you call a gangster who believes in double standards? A hypocrip.
- Hypocrite walks into a bar...... "I'll have a standard, please. Make it a double."
- What is the First Order's standard unit of measurement for length? A Kylometer
- Why are jerks nice sometimes? Standard deviation of the mean
(OC, as far as I know)
Standard Deviation Jokes
Here is a list of funny standard deviation jokes and even better standard deviation puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you hear about the perverted statistician? Standard deviation wasn't enough for him anymore...
- Why is one standard deviation wealthier than the other? because it lives well below its mean.
- If you enjoyed the film Mean Girls... You'd love Standard Deviation Girls!
- She was only a statistician's daughter but her deviations were anything but standard.
- My mom is so mean.. ..she has no standard deviation
- Did you hear the one about the perverted statistician? He couldn't get off on the standard deviation
Standard Time Jokes
Here is a list of funny standard time jokes and even better standard time puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why do humans have such a hard time dating rich zombies? Because they have better standards of living.
- Why is Eastern Standard Time the best timezone? cause you cant spell best without est
- While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back in 20 minutes.
The woman asked, "Is that 20 minutes Central Standard Time?"
Standard Model Jokes
Here is a list of funny standard model jokes and even better standard model puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I like my women as I like my pre-expansion universes So hot and dense that it violates the Pauli exclusion principle and demands a better understanding of the standard model
- I think Model Trains cast an unrealistic beauty standard on actual trains... But model trains never eat and real trains are always CHEW CHEW CHEW-ing
- Why couldn't the physicist get the Standard Model to work? Because it wouldn't commute!
- What is the difference between a rich and a poor physicist's girlfriend? The poor physicist's girlfriend is the standard model while the rich physicist's girlfriend is a super model
- CERN's new budget-priced particle detector can't detect exotic particles It's just the standard model.
- Why did the string theorist return his vacuum cleaner It was only the standard model
- CERN are going to order a more advanced collider The standard model isn't good enough
Laughable Standard Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles
What funny jokes about standard you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean basic jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make standard pranks.
The Montana Department of Employment
The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.
AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.
RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.
AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.
RANCHER: That would be me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Walk The Line
A cop is doing standard patrol when he notices a car swerving all over the road. He quickly turns on his siren and pulls the guy over. Alright, says the cop, when the man gets out of the car. Walk in a straight line. I'd be happy to, says the drunk just stop moving the s**... line.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Apparently women prefer men who are taller than them.
So I guess it could be said that tall women have higher standards.
The three most important things to have in a survival situation.
Every survival kit needs to have three things.
1) A zippo: Trusty lighter to start fires to cook food and keep warm.
2) A good knife: Something to be able to help build a shelter and hunt.
3) A standard deck of playing cards: As soon as you realize you're stranded, deal out a game of solitaire on the ground. About half way through your game, someone will come up behind you and say "That can go there." Boom, you're saved.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife has everything I could ever want in a woman:
Low standards.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mr T and I were thinking about scaling a glass wall.
We were looking at the standard equipment and the fancy equipment too. I selected the most basic suction device for my ascent, and suggested Mr T do likewise.
He looked at me and said, "I ain't using no plain s**...!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
On the Duck Dynasty Outrage,....
It's such a double standard.
When a white guy acts bad on TV, people rush to A&E and demand the show is cancelled.
When a black guy acts bad on TV, you don't see people rushing to Fox demanding they cancel COPS.
Glass with Water
This joke is said so many times, there must be some good variations. I want to know if you guys heard any.
Standard: There is a glass of water to the halfway point. People are asked to describe the glass.
Optimist: Half Full
Pessimist: Half Empty
Engineer: Glass is twice as big as it needs to be
Example Variation:
Mathematician: It depends on how the glass achieved it's current state. (Limits, anyone?)
What do you do if you step on a landmine?
Well standard procedure is to jump 50 feet and spread over a wide area.
My standards for women are the same as my standards for juice.
Five and Alive.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
We all know that the n**... loved American jazz standards, but what was h**...'s favourite jazz song?
There will never be another Jew.
A magic show...
Two friends, Bob and Hank, are watching a magician perform. Mildly amused by the standard tricks and illusions they have seen so far, their attention perks up when they see the beautiful assistant come out from behind the curtain for the saw the lady in half trick. As she is climbing into the box, Bob leans over and whispers, That's some hot broad. I'd ask her out, wouldn't you?
Nah, Hank says, I'd probably get the half that eats.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What was the statistician's f**...?
Let's just say he had the standard deviation.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My standards for women are way too high
You could almost say they're... Double standards
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I hate double standards...
When a girl wears a thong she is called bold and s**.... But when I do it I'm just called drunk and asked to leave Denny's.
Landmine
A recently recruited soldier approaches his training officer and asks him:
-Sir, I have a question. What do I do if I step on a landmine?
-Well, son, the standard procedure in this case would be to rise about 20 feet into the air and then spread around a large territory.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Double standards are not fair!
When miley cirus gets n**... and licks hammers its beautiful and artistic, but when I do it its weird, creepy and I get a life time ban from Ikea.
How did the newspaper go about reviewing the opera production?
They followed Standard Opera-rating Procedure
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many Microsoft executives does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They just redefine 'darkness' as an industry standard.
Why should apiarists determine standards of beauty?
Because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I only date girls that smoke w**...
I guess you can say I have high standards
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Yo momma's so mean
she has no standard deviation
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Multijokes: How many Jews can you fit in a family car.
Standard Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and six-million in the ashtray.
Follow-Up Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and none anywhere else because the Holocaust never happened.
Alternate Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and a family of eight hiding under the roof-rack.
Efficient Answ**e**r: Not enough, we'll need to use trains.
Anti-Joke Answ**e**r: Please tell me, myself and some Jewish friends are going to Florida but ~~cannot afford~~ are too-cheap for plane tickets.
Racist Answ**e**r: Throw a dollar in there and they'll all get in.
My girlfriend often accuses me of telling sexist, condescending jokes that target women.
I've explained to her those jokes are actually ironic jabs at the current state of post-modern feminism, designed to highlight societal double standards across genders.
So she needn't worry her pretty little head about it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Frenchman and an Ethiopian got into a heated argument.
The Frenchman said, "We have better food, wine, standard of living, transportation, infrastructure, economy, and GDP than you! What do you have? Nothing!"
The Ethiopian answered, "At least we didn't surrender to the Axis!"
So my parents were "debating" at the dinner table the other night
Mom: Cougar is the term used to describe an older woman who desires young men. I'm seeing a double standard here. Why isn't there a term for an older man who desires young women? What is he called?
Dad: Smart.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Society is full of double standards
For example, when Ariel from The Little Mermaid swims around half n**..., singing with her underwater friends, people say that she is "sweet" and "beautiful"
But when I do it, people say that I'm "drunk" and "no longer welcome at the aquarium".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a man walks into a bar
And the warden said "d**... jim, i told you not to put the blind person in the standard jail cell"
Why are submarines more dangerous than regular ships?
They're built with sub-standard materials.
Life is pretty much like Netflix
If you eliminate your standards completely, there's more to enjoy
A huge crab walks into a bar...
...and says to the barman, "I demand one pint of lager. I will pay the full price, provided that the following criteria are met. The beer should be served to me within one minute of ordering, and at a temperature of between 6-9 degrees Celsius. The beer should be served in a clean, cold glass and a beer mat must be provided. If the quality of the provided beer does not meet my high standards, you must agree to refund the full amount charged, and provide any additional financial compensation for any discomfort, stress or time wasted."
The barman looks at the crab and says, "why the big clause?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many fat activists does it take to change a lightbulb?
The lightbulb is beautiful the way it is. Society needs to change and learn to accept and stop shaming lightbulbs that don't conform to its standards.
Does anyone know of a good character encoding standard that I can give to someone I care about?
ASCII for a friend.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three things I cannot stand:
* s**... people
* judgemental people
* double standards
* people who can't count
* lists
* irony
I walked into a Subway copycat joint earlier to see how their sandwiches compare. They claimed to be Sub standard...
but i thought they were below par.
Back in ancient Egypt, the standardized units of measurements were based off the length of the current pharoah's body parts. The pointer finger would be one unit of measurement, the forearm another, and so on.
It could be noted, the pharoah was the ruler.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was talking to some friends about my f**... for anything statistics related...
and apparently it's not a standard deviation.
Handyman goes to court
So this handyman was caught working without a license. He was a bit of a diy guy and had decided to fix some things himself, but wasn't licensed to do so and they weren't up to standard.
In the court, the judge received a note from his assistant and immediately declare him guilty for working without a license and for bribing.
Turns out he had done some jury rigging.
The crusty old managing partner finally passed away, but his firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him.
"I'm sorry, he's dead," was the standard answer.
Finally, the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realize it was always the same voice, so she asked who it was and why he kept calling.
The reply: "I used to be one of his junior associates, and I just like to hear you say it."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I hate these double standards
If you burn a body at a crematorium, you are doing a good job , but do it at home and you're destroying evidence .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was a c**... little punk when I was younger
I remember one time, when I was 9 years old, getting called into the principal's office.
Your behavior is out of line, and getting worse & worse each day. Standards really are slipping."
"I'll do the talking he replied.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm so tired of double standards.
When women have s**... with a bunch of guys they're "empowering themselves" or "owning their sexuality".
Meanwhile, if I do the same thing I'm "just some gay guy".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So many double standards between men and women nowadays.
When women have s**... with men a lot,they get called w**.... When I do it I get called gay
Blackbeard goes into a bank...
Blackbeard goes into a bank looking to secure a loan for a new ship. The banker nods and says
"Yes everything is in order. You'll be gettin' the standard 3.14% interest rate."
Blackbeard raises an eyebrow at that.
"The standard rate? What's that mean?"
"3.14%. You know...the Pi Rate."
An attractive co-worker that I've been working with for 3 years confessed to me today, but I rejected her.
One way to spot a woman with low standards is when they start liking me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Irishman's dog dies so he goes to see the local priest.
An Irishman's dog dies so he goes to see the local priest and tells him, "Father, me old dog died. Can ye say a wee mass for the old gal?"
"No. Can't do it. The Church doesn't do f**... mass for pets, but I'll tell you what, the Protestant church down the hill will most likely do it. They don't have the same high standards that we do."
"Fine father, but I have one more question for ye. Would two hundred euro be enough of a donation to thank them for their services."
The priest's eye grew wide and he slapped the man on the back telling him, "Ahhh, man, why didn't you TELL me that your dog was Catholic?!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
LG created a new proprietary Bluetooth technology and protestors are now rallying against the the IEEE 802.15.1 Bluetooth standard
Manufacturers have quickly adopted to LG's new protocol, as they are afraid of not supporting the LGBT.
My dentist has the inside of his whole building covered in posters of teeth, gums, toothbrushes etc.
God was i relieved to see that its not industry standard when I took my wife to the gynaecologist...
I have only one rule when it comes to attire
I dress to meet the bare minimum standards that any given occasion dictates.
I call it...
Occam's Blazer.
Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a restaurant, and Sylvester Stallone is like: "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."
Chuck says: "Don't you have any ideas?"
"Yeah, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers"
That's when Arnold trows himself in the conversation and says: "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can be Beethoven!"
"And who will you be, Arnold?"
"I'll be Bach."
A 4'6 woman walks into a matchmaking service…
A 4'6 (137cm) woman walks into a matchmaking service.
She says to the man behind the counter, I'm really insecure about my height, so the only thing I'm looking for in a partner is that he's shorter than me.
The man replies, You've got really low standards.
.
[OC, I think]
My fried just got engaged to her boyfriend, Peter, and was gushing about how in love she is. Obviously the first thing out of my mouth was "oh, so you're a massive Peterphile!" Apparently that was "inappropriate" and now she's annoyed with me.
This is actually a true story, so hope it's okay that it's not in a standard joke format.
I was offered a good hot time today by a hot 21 year old redhead
In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I said no as I have high moral standards and very strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in scented lemon or vanilla.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Looks doesn´t really matter
* Girl: The reason why you´re still single is because your standards are too high. Looks doesn´t really matter, you know.
* Boy: Wow! You´re the first non-beautiful person that I´ve heard say that looks doesn´t matter..
* Girl: WHAT?! Are you calling ME ugly!!!
* Boy: Why so upset? You just said looks doesn´t matter..
As Steven Weinberg was finishing the presentation of his contributions to the Standard Model, a colleague asks:
"This work is incredible. Do you understand the gravity of what you've done?"
Weinberg: "No, weren't you listening? That's the only force we don't understand."
(I'm sorry for this terrible and obscure joke, feel free to downvote.)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Someone told me I should have some standards, But I'm too lazy.
I think I'll have sitards instead.
My final work dad joke
I always include a dad joke on the schedule for my employees (which this sub helps out with when I can't think of one, thank you). Next Friday is my last day, and this is the last schedule I'm sending to them. We work in a bookstore, and my final, cringe inducing joke to them is:
After careful consideration, I've decided to leave my job at the bookstore.
_It's time to turn the page to a new chapter in my life_
Pretty bad even by my standards, but it felt right.
