standard Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious standard puns

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me a boring nerd..

I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25

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What Size Underwear Do Feminists Wear?

#Double Standard.

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What is the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to all of your devices and accesses the data, the other is a hardware standard.

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How many Microsoft executives does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They just redefine 'darkness' as an industry standard.

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Yo momma's so mean

she has no standard deviation

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A standard elevator can hold 1700 lbs

or 5 Tinder matches...

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Yo mama's so mean...

She has no standard deviation.

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What's the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to all devices and stores your data.

The other one is an industry standard.

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So my parents were "debating" at the dinner table the other night

Mom: Cougar is the term used to describe an older woman who desires young men. I'm seeing a double standard here. Why isn't there a term for an older man who desires young women? What is he called?

Dad: Smart.

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What was the statistician's fetish?

Let's just say he had the standard deviation.

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What's the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to all of your devices and stores all your data.

The other is standard hardware.

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Multijokes: How many Jews can you fit in a family car.

Standard Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and six-million in the ashtray.

Follow-Up Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and none anywhere else because the Holocaust never happened.

Alternate Answ**e**r: Three in the back, two in the front and a family of eight hiding under the roof-rack.

Efficient Answ**e**r: Not enough, we'll need to use trains.

Anti-Joke Answ**e**r: Please tell me, myself and some Jewish friends are going to Florida but ~~cannot afford~~ are too-cheap for plane tickets.

Racist Answ**e**r: Throw a dollar in there and they'll all get in.

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I don't think women should be allowed to have kids after 40.

40 kids is way too much by any standard.

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CIA assessment center

After the standard round of interviews, a good dozen of applicants sit before the director of the CIA office.

"Trust is central to our business, ladies and gentlemen. Still, intelligence, precision and punctuality are nearly as essential. So, to the test: You have an envelope with a coded address on it. It contains important top secret data for someone in this office building. Get this sensitive information to him."

The applicants scurry away with their red labeled envelopes, each trying to crack the code and simultaneously making their way through the labyrinthine vastness of the CIA office building.

Only one applicant rounds the corner and, after looking left and right, breaks the "TOP SECRET" seal and rips open the envelope. Inside, he finds a sheet of paper, that says: "Misuse of trust is central to our business. Come back to my office to sign your contract."

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Costume Party

A few years back I threw a costume party at my house. It was really fun to see all my friends dressed up silly. There was a cowboy, a gorilla, a nurse, a bum, you know, all the standard outfits one would expect. Everyone was having a great time when the doorbell rang, I went to the door and opened it. Standing there on my doorstep I found two naked men. One was holding a bowl of custard with the tip of his wiener submerged into it. The other had his erect member piercing a hollowed out pear. Trying to keep my composure, I asked them "Can I help you?"

"We're here for the costume party" they replied.

"Um, o k... What may I ask are you dressed as?" I said.

"Well, I'm fucking disgusted and he's deep in despair."

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It's a double standard, If a girl sleeps with 10 guys she a slut

But if a guy does it he's gay, definitely gay

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Sweet Tea

A doctor walks in an exam room to find a woman crying. She has two black eyes, her make up is running, and generally looks like shit. This is not going to be a standard check-up, he thinks to himself. "What happened to you?" asked the Doc.


The woman breaks down even further and can barely speak between sobbing. "It's my husband. I just can't take it anymore. I love him, but I can't put up with this much longer," she says. "I'd do anything to make it stop."


The Doc closes his eyes and asks, "What happens exactly?"


"Everything is fine until the weekend. That's when the problems start. He goes out drinking with his buddies and plays cards, which he's horrible at." The Doc nods his head for her to continue. "He always comes home drunk and pissed off. Without fail, I end up getting beat."


He thinks for a moment and asks, "You'd do anything to make it better?"


"Yes, anything!"


"I want you to go home and make a pitcher of sweet tea." The Doc holds up his hand to stop the inevitable questions and continues. "When your husband comes home from his night of drinking, I want you to pour yourself a glass of tea. Take the biggest mouthful you can and hold it there until your husband goes to sleep. Do this and I promise you the beatings will stop."


The woman has doubt in her eyes, but is at the end of her rope. She'll try anything once at this point.


Several weeks go by and the Doc walks into an exam room to see the same woman. She looks a thousand times better, has a smile on her face, and best of all no signs of recent abuse.


"Doc, it worked! I did everything you asked." She's obviously excited. "I made that sweet tea and poured myself a glass. When my husband came home drunk after a bad night of cards, I took the biggest mouthful of tea I could. I held it there until he went to sleep." The Doc can see tears of happiness forming in the woman's eyes. "I think you've save my sanity and my marriage, thank you."


The Doc looks the woman in the eyes, "See what happens when you keep your fucking mouth shut?"

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How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb ?

None.

They redefine broken as the new standard.

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how to get out of a speeding ticket

cop pulls me over and we start into the standard lines

officer: "do you know how fast you were going?"

me: "no in all honesty i don't, see my crack pipe slipped out of my hand and when i went to grab it my gun fell on the gas pedal then the hooker in my trunk wouldn't shut up so i had to start swerving trying to knock her out"

the officer looked at me really strange before asking me to step out of the vehicle, he hand cuffed me and sat me on the curb waiting for back up, and the drug sniffing dog. finally after all is said and done they search my car, find nothing then his commanding officer walks up to me

commander: "now son my officer here tells me you admitted to doing drugs, having a firearm, as well as a hooker in your trunk"

i look shocked then reply

me: "i bet he told you i was speeding to didn't he?"

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Me and my step son were watching letters and numbers

Letters and numbers is a show where contestants are given a certain number of letters and 30sec to make the biggest word or 6 different numbers and 30sec to reach a target number using only those given once with the standard 4 operations.

So I'm watching with my son and one of the contestants is a dwarf/midget (the politically correct term) and he is smashing it! He managed to reach the target number in less than 10 seconds! And I go wow! He's so smart at maths.

My son turns to me and says

Because it's the little things that count.

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Walking Eagle

Barack Obama spoke for nearly an hour at the American Indian Convention,
referring to the audience as his red brothers and red sisters. Obama promised the native Americans
expanded job opportunity, improved living conditions and a higher standard of living.
Although detail was vague or lacking, his speech was enthusiastic and eloquent.

After his speech, the Tribal chief presented Obama with a large plaque bearing the inscription
WALKING EAGLE . The tribal chief was later solicited by an onsite reporter who said:
It's obvious that the Indian people were impressed with the president's address;
but can you give us a little insight as to the significance of WALKING EAGLE? The tribal chief replied:
"WALKING EAGLE" is an old Indian expression that describes an eagle so full of shit, it can no longer fly.

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What is the difference betweeen the USA and a USB

One records and reads all of your personal data, and the other is a hardware standard.

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I was talking to some friends about my fetish for anything statistics related...

and apparently it's not a standard deviation.

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We give them a spoon, a cup and a bucket; and then ask ask them to empty the bathtub...

While I was being given a tour of a mental asylum, I asked the psychiatrist, How do you establish whether or not a person should be committed to your institution?

The doctor answered, We have a standard test. We fill up a bathtub with water, then give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket, and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.

I see, I said. A normal person would use the bucket because it's much bigger than the spoon or the cup.

No, said the doctor, a normal person would pull the drain plug. Would you like a bed near the window?

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Your Mum's so Mean

she doesn't even have a standard deviation.

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What comes standard with every German house?

A front porsche

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The three most important things to have in a survival situation.

Every survival kit needs to have three things.
1) A zippo: Trusty lighter to start fires to cook food and keep warm.
2) A good knife: Something to be able to help build a shelter and hunt.
3) A standard deck of playing cards: As soon as you realize you're stranded, deal out a game of solitaire on the ground. About half way through your game, someone will come up behind you and say "That can go there." Boom, you're saved.

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I like my women as I like my pre-expansion universes

So hot and dense that it violates the Pauli exclusion principle and demands a better understanding of the standard model

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How many house flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just the standard two, but I'll be damned if I know how they got in there.

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Readydick

A single woman was getting less and less pleasure from her usual vibrator, so she decides to go shopping for a new one. When she enters the sex shop, she tells the cashier of her woes, to which the cashier says he has just the thing. He comes back with what looks like a standard dildo. He says, "This a brand new toy called Readydick and it's going to change the world."
"How does it work?" she says.
"Watch. Readydick, wall!" he yells.
The Readydick leaps off the counter and starts vigorously humping the wall with intense speed and power.
"That's amazing! I'll take it!" she says.
She gets home, excited to try out her new toy. She strips, climbs into bed, and exclaims, "Readydick, vagina!"
The Ready dick leaps out of the box and starts giving her the most intense pounding of her life. After she orgasms multiple times, she yells, "Readydick, stop!" but nothing happens. After she tries everything she can think of to get it to stop, she finally gives in and calls the shop owner who tells her to get down to the shop as quickly as possible. As she is driving down there, she gets pulled over by a police officer.
The cop approaches her window and says, "You were speeding, swerving, and driving erratically, have you been drinking?"
"No officer I swear!" she says frantically, "I'm trying out this new toy called Readydick and it's fucking me so hard right now I can't even see straight!"
The officer looks at her and says, "Readydick my ass!"

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What's the difference between a USB and the USA?

One connects to all your devices and accesses your data, the other is a harware standard.

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Organ donation has a nasty double standard when it comes to praise.

Some guy donates his kidney, he's praised as a hero. I donate 5, and I get arrested? Double standards smh

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How many does it take to screw in a light bulb?

1) How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb? 10, one to change the light buld and the other 9 to say "that should be me up there"
2) How many gays does it take to screw in a lightbulb? one but it takes a whole emergancy room to screw it back out again
3) How many English men does it take to change a lightbulb? 2, One to climb the British standard safety ladder while wearing a high vis jacket and hard hat while the other one carries out a whole risk assessmennt and cancels the operation as it is deemed unsafe.
4) How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Ve are asking ze qvestions here!
5) How many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb? 250,000. One to change the lightbulb and 249,999 to debate whether it was politically correct.

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Old People

There was this group of "couple friends" who met regularly and over the years they turned into old people. For years and years they would get together regularly. It was the standard old people get together. The women would gather in the kitchen and talk and the men would sit around in the living room and talk.

One of the elder gentleman started talking about some new restaurant he and his wife had gone to. "Oh, the food was excellent. The service was great and the prices were reasonable. Son of a bitch you guys should try it out." When asked the name he became a bit confused. . .

"umm, shit. . .a flower" he says.
"Daffodil" somebody guesses. "Carnation" says another.
"No, umm, long and thorns" he says.
"Rose?" guesses one of his pals.

"Yes, Rose! HEY ROSE" he shouts into the kitchen. "What was the name of that restaurant we ate at last week?"

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What do you do if you step on a landmine?

Well standard procedure is to jump 50 feet and spread over a wide area.

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What are the most funny Standard jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Standard? Well, here are the best Standard dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Standard pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes