Following is our collection of funny Stand Up jokes. There are some stand up sit jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these stand up ante puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"
She points up and says: "3 pulls"
Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.
Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
Girl: "Yeah I was jut kidding, I can heal paraplegics"
Professor X, still standing: "Oh my god"
A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:
"Cheeseburgers: $5
Fries: $3
Handjobs: $10."
He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"
"Yes, I am," she replies seductively.
"Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
He gets no support from his Cavs
I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.
Little bastards didn't stand a chanceβ¦
The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.
On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."
I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.
As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."
It was two tired!
... but you can't count Missouri twice.
He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again.
Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying yeah this isn't really for me, I'm not having 67 more of those in my face
A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.
"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."
"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud β French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."
"Wait a minute," roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked 'C'."
"Of course," said the manager. "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."
**
You can explore stand up stood reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean stand up flagpoles dad jokes. There are also stand up puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16-year-olds.
She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.
'No, it's probably best I stay here.' he says.
'Why's that sweetie?' says the blonde.
The boy looks at her incredulously and says,
Because I'm the Goalie!
**
It stands for "terrible underwater breathing apparatus"
The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sì"
"Ja"
After an hour he loses his patience and yells 'Putin is to blame for this I'm going to the Kremlin and kill him!'
30 minutes later he's back in line at the ATM.
'Why are you here again?' 'The line in front of the Kremlin is twice as long as this one...'
She broke up with me because I kept pushing her around.
I said, "why don't you stand up for yourself?"
One, She just stands there holding it while the world revolves around her.
The second nightstand.
...I'm so sorry.
I can never get a straight answer.
The man stands, clears his throat, says Plethora , and sits back down.
Thanks , the woman says, that means a lot .
Every time I leave work, one of them approaches me and shakes his can full of coins just to show off how he has more money than me.
Food
I've asked lots of people but nobody seems to know.
Seriously, they never exercise, lie in bed 12 hours a day, and sit down far more often than they stand up. And they still get atrophy.
She said "Carl, I.. can't see you anymore"... That was weird. I was like- "Babe, I'm standing right here." then she said "No, you don't understand... I'm seeing someone else" which was really bizarre because it was just the two of us in the room. I had to break it off after that.
The boy's sign reads 1 cup for 25Β’, 3 cups for $1
A construction worker stops by and asks to buy one cup of lemonade.
"25 cents", says the kid.
The construction worker then buys another one, and another one, paying 25 cents each.
As the construction worker walks away, he turns around with a smile, and says: "Hey kid, you realize I just bought three cups for 75Β’β¦ Maybe lemonade stands aren't your thing."
"I guess you're right" says the kid good-naturedly as he sets up the next 3 cups.
He woke up in a hospital with a doctor standing over him.
He asked the doctor, "Did I come here to die?"
The doctor replied, "Nah, mate, you came here yesterday."
An OPTIMIST sees light at the end of the tunnel
A REALIST sees a freight train
The TRAIN driver sees 3 idiots standing on the tracks
St. Peter is waiting, judging him.
They stand in silence when Hitler breaks it:" St. Peter, where am I?"
"Hell, Hitler." he responds.
"Ya, ya, Heil Hitler, but where am I?".
But i never get a straight answer.
Ps: I'm very aware of its meaning(since im very gay).
He nuts and bolts.
I'll see myself out.
She points up and says: "3 pulls"
Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.
Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
r>Girl: "Yeah I was jut kidding, I can heal paraplegics"
Professor X, still standing: "Oh my god"
A man in the pew behind her leans forward to ask, "Do you mind if I say a word?".
No, not at all, she replies.
The man stands and clears his throat.
Bargain", he says, and sits back down.
"Thank you", the woman responds, "it means a great deal."
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "Typical blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
"Look at their calm, their reserve" says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"
"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"
The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the stand up ovation jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working stand up wieners piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.