The Best 35 Stand Up Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Stand Up jokes. There are some stand up jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these stand up puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Stand Up Jokes and Puns
Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"
Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"
She points up and says: "3 pulls"
Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.
Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
Girl: "Yeah I was jut kidding, I can heal paraplegics"
Professor X, still standing: "Oh my god"
Handjobs
A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:
"Cheeseburgers: $5
Fries: $3
Handjobs: $10."
He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"
"Yes, I am," she replies seductively.
"Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
Why can't Lebron James stand on his tippy toes?
He gets no support from his Cavs
My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an erection.
I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.
I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...
Little bastards didn't stand a chanceβ¦
I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.
The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.
I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.
On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."
I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.
As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?
It was two tired!
My friend Billy Bob and I visited a place where you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. Billy Bob opened up and said that he was actually in a fourth state; crippling depression. I said, I'm so sorry
... but you can't count Missouri twice.
A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.
He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again.
Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying yeah this isn't really for me, I'm not having 67 more of those in my face
The troubles of foreigners in Canada
A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.
"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."
"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud β French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."
"Wait a minute," roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked 'C'."
"Of course," said the manager. "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."
**
You can explore stand up reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean stand up dad jokes. There are also stand up puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
SCUBA is an acronym for "Self contained underwater breathing apparatus". Tuba is also an acronym.
It stands for "terrible underwater breathing apparatus"
An English man, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer
The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sì"
"Ja"
I dated a girl in a wheelchair
She broke up with me because I kept pushing her around.
I said, "why don't you stand up for yourself?"
What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?
The second nightstand.
...I'm so sorry.
Every time I ask someone what the acronym LGBTQ stands for...
I can never get a straight answer.
A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband's funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, Do you mind if I say a word? . No, go right ahead , the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says Plethora , and sits back down.
Thanks , the woman says, that means a lot .
What does the F in Ethiopia stand for?
Food
A PESSIMIST sees a dark tunnel
An OPTIMIST sees light at the end of the tunnel
A REALIST sees a freight train
The TRAIN driver sees 3 idiots standing on the tracks
Hitler dies and goes in front of a hell gate...
St. Peter is waiting, judging him.
They stand in silence when Hitler breaks it:" St. Peter, where am I?"
"Hell, Hitler." he responds.
"Ya, ya, Heil Hitler, but where am I?".
I always ask what LGBT stands for...
But i never get a straight answer.
Ps: I'm very aware of its meaning(since im very gay).
What does a robot do after a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts.
I'll see myself out.
A woman is sitting at her husband's funeral listening to the eulogies being read...
A man in the pew behind her leans forward to ask, "Do you mind if I say a word?".
No, not at all, she replies.
The man stands and clears his throat.
Bargain", he says, and sits back down.
"Thank you", the woman responds, "it means a great deal."
A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve...
"Look at their calm, their reserve" says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"
"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"
The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
A boy paid a girl $10 to climb a flagpole...
She agrees and climbs the flagpole. When she gets home she tells her mother what happened. Her mother said "honey, he just wanted to see your underwear." The next day the same boy was standing by the flagpole and said "I will give you $20 to climb the flagpole." Again she agrees and climbs. She goes home and tells her mother "mom the boy paid me to climb the flagpole again, but I outsmarted him this time. I didn't wear any underwear."
I like to stand in the corner of my psychiatrist's waiting room and blow on anyone who walks by...
Most people hate it, but I'm a fan...
The f in orphan stands for family
wait
When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, HaΒΒ! That's not going to help!
Sure, it does. I said. It's the only way I can see the numbers.
Why did Jon Snow stand in line for 6 hours at the Apple Store?
For the watch
Why are people in wheelchairs always getting taken advantage of?
Because they're easy to push around and never stand up for themselves
A redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin...
A redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin. Upon hearing this, he stands up, turns away from her, and leaves without a word.
Later, when his buddies at the bar ask what went wrong, he explains...
"If she ain't good enough for her daddy, her uncle, her brother, and her cousin, she ain't good enough for me!!"
LPT: If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes; they're usually about 90 degrees.
( Ν‘Β° ΝΚ Ν‘Β°)
When counting down, I can't stand negative numbers
I stop at nothing to avoid them.
I've asked thousands of people what LGBTQ+ stands for.
Nobody has given me a straight answer.
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs."
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"For a minute there you were beginning to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't," he replied.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the stand up jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working stand up piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.