Stand Up Jokes
165 stand up jokes and hilarious stand up puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about stand up that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Stand Up Short Jokes
Short stand up jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The stand up humour may include short writing stand up jokes also.
- I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin. The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.
- SCUBA is an acronym for "Self contained underwater breathing apparatus". Tuba is also an acronym. It stands for "terrible underwater breathing apparatus"
- I dated a girl in a wheelchair She broke up with me because I kept pushing her around.
I said, "why don't you stand up for yourself?" - How many Karens does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, She just stands there holding it while the world revolves around her.
- What does a carpenter do after a one night stand? The second nightstand.
...I'm so sorry. - Every time I ask someone what the acronym LGBTQ stands for... I can never get a straight answer.
- I can't stand homeless people Every time I leave work, one of them approaches me and shakes his can full of coins just to show off how he has more money than me.
- A PESSIMIST sees a dark tunnel An OPTIMIST sees light at the end of the tunnel
A REALIST sees a freight train
The TRAIN driver sees 3 idiots standing on the tracks - I always ask what LGBT stands for... But i never get a straight answer.
Ps: I'm very aware of its meaning(since im very gay). - I like to stand in the corner of my psychiatrist's waiting room and blow on anyone who walks by... Most people hate it, but I'm a fan...
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Stand Up One Liners
Which stand up one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with stand up? I can suggest the ones about standup comedian and strap up.
- Why can't lebron james stand on his tippy toes? He gets no support from his Cavs
- Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!
- I stand behind Alec Baldwin It's far safer than standing in front of him.
- What does the F in Ethiopia stand for? food
- What does idk stand for? I've asked lots of people but nobody seems to know.
- What does a robot do after a one night stand? He nuts and bolts.
I'll see myself out. - What does the H in America stand for? Healthcare
- I still 100% stand behind Alec Baldwin.. Standing in front of him is too dangerous.
- The f in orphan stands for family wait
- Why did Jon Snow stand in line for 6 hours at the Apple Store? For the watch
- When counting down, I can't stand negative numbers I stop at nothing to avoid them.
- Can someone please tell me what LGBTQ+ stands for? Nobody is giving me a straight answer.
- What does idk stand for? Literally everyone I ask doesn't know.
- What does a mechanic do for a one night stand? He nuts and bolts.
- Do you know what LGBTQ stands for? Every time I ask I can never get a straight answer
Stand Up Comedian Jokes
Here is a list of funny stand up comedian jokes and even better stand up comedian puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A Comedian in Russia. I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin. The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.
- I'm halfway through becoming a stand up comedian I can stand up, now all I need is comedy
- I broke up with my girlfriend by text last night, it went pretty ugly... She got up from the couch, started beating me with her phone...
- When I was a kid, I told everyone that when I grew up, I wanted to be a stand-up comedian. They all laughed. Well, I got a job doing standup in a comedy club, and no one's laughing now.
- I told my mom I wanted to become a stand up comedian. She laughed.
- A Russian stand up comedian was joking about the Putin. Jokes were good. I liked the execution.
- A stand-up comedian tells a joke about a newly-discovered STI that takes ten years to show symptoms. \* Slow clap *
- I Was in Russia a few weeks ago And I was watching a stand up comedian making jokes about Putin. To be honest I didnt really care for the jokes, but I liked the execution.
- I quit being a stand up comedian... Every time I performed people would just laugh at me
- I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin and communism The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.
Comedy Stand Up Jokes
Here is a list of funny comedy stand up jokes and even better comedy stand up puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I wanna do stand up comedy on a gay cruise... ...so I can open with: "Hey, everyone. Thanks for coming out."
- My friend had purchased an extra stand-up comedy ticket for me. I turned him down. After all, I could never enjoy jokes at other people's expense.
- I was at a comedy club in Russia last month and saw a decent stand up routine making fun of Putin. I didn't love the guy's jokes, but he had a great execution.
- One thing a paralyzed person can not do is? Stand up comedy
- I know many handicapped people with a great sense of humour. Shame they don't do stand-up comedy.
- That his punchline comes before the joke Chuck Norris is so powerful at stand up comedy...
- Why did the chicken tell jokes in bars? Because she thought she was a stand up comedi-hen.
Sorry. - Whats the opposite of stand up comedy? A sitcom.
- What's one job Stephen hawking would be no good at? Stand up comedy.
- I told my wife I was going to do stand-up comedy She said, "You're joking"
I said, "I told you I was good"
Stand Up Comedy Jokes
Here is a list of funny stand up comedy jokes and even better stand up comedy puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I've always been told that you shouldn't tell jokes at other people's expense. Which makes me question the ethics of charging people to watch stand up comedy.
- Why didn't Stephen hawking host a talk show? because he can't do stand-up comedy
- Stand up Comedy on Star Trek Yo mamma so fat… she tried to use the teleporter, but it ran out of atoms before she made it to the other side
- Apparently Colin Kaepernick is pursuing a career in comedy He's landed some acting roles but he can't do stand-up.
- would you call a guy in a wheelchair doing a stand-up comedy WHEELy good Comedy
- Why couldn't the comedian in a wheelchair get an audience? He couldn't do Stand Up comedy!
- I prefer to do my stand up comedy in airports As long as TSA and Homeland Security do their job, there's no way I'd bomb
- What did the wheelchair-bound software developer say when asked to speak at an Apple Keynote? "Sorry, but I don't do stand-up comedy."
- If a guy in a wheelchair is on stage telling jokes ... Is it still called stand-up comedy?
- A lime and banana decided to become a stand-up comedy duo and called themselves ... Key and Peele.
Writing Stand Up Jokes
Here is a list of funny writing stand up jokes and even better writing stand up puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I'm writing a musical about a rag-tag team of Breitbart columnists standing up to the mainstream media elites. It's called Fake Newsies.
- You know why you write etc. in the exam? It's because it stands for end of thinking capacity.
- I'm writing a stand up routine about my favourite spice... It's a cinnamon shtick
- #MeToo seems like an inappropriate thing to write given the situation lately For example, "I stand with women. Pound MeToo."
Why do people keep writing this? - [Serious] Would anyone be interested in seeing some stand up comedy writing on here? Or is this not the right setting?
- I can't stand when people don't know when to write your or you're There so s**...
Comedy Stand Up Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle
What funny jokes about stand up you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean how to write stand up jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make stand up pranks.
My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an e**....
I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.
I'm sick and tired of this "everybody wins" mentality kids have these days.
Seriously, they never exercise, lie in bed 12 hours a day, and sit down far more often than they stand up. And they still get atrophy.
Why are people in wheelchairs always getting taken advantage of?
Because they're easy to push around and never stand up for themselves
Why is it wrong to bully people in wheel chair?
Because they can't stand up for themselves.
Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners?
Because he can't do stand up
Idiot Teacher
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
"The word of the day is 'contagious'" Said the teacher, "Who can use it in a sentence?"
Little Jenny stood up and said "My dad has a cold and said its contagious"
The teacher praised Jenny and ask for an example from another student.
Billy stood up and said "Miss, my mum has the flu, and I think its contagious"
Happy with Billy's response, the teacher asked for one more student to stand up and give an example.
Little Johnny stood up...
"Miss, my next door neighbour is painting his house with a 1 inch brush and my dad said its going to take the contagious."
One day Stalin decides to go to the cinema in disguise and hear what people are really saying about him.
When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers
Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you'll be safer if you stand up.
A boxer was having trouble sleeping.
He goes to the doctor.
Doctor asks "Have you tried counting sheep?
Boxer replies "I have but every time I get to the count of eight, I stand up.
I hate it when people make fun of the disabled
They can't even stand up for themselves
LPT: If you are ever at a party or business meeting with Spanish speakers, make sure to stand up and say Mucho
It means a lot to them
Don't know if this has been posted here but let's try
Little Johnny came home and ran to his mother.
"Mummy! I was on the bus with Daddy and he made me stand up so a woman could sit down."
"Well...How kind of your daddy! You should learn from him."
Johnny then frowned.
"I was sitting on Daddy's lap"
Why must 8 always stand up?
If it lies down, it's forever.
An elementary teacher wanted to introduce physiological notions to her students.
She asks her class: Whoever feels s**... at times stand up!
After a while, little Johnny stands up, grudgingly.
The teacher asks: So Johnny, you feel s**... from time to time?
Little Johnny replies: No ma'am, it's just painful to see you standing all alone.
Teacher: "Anyone who thinks they're s**..., stand up"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher:"There has to be at least one s**... student here"
*Timmy stands up*
Teacher:"Timmy do you think you're s**...?"
Timmy:"No, I just felt bad that you were standing alone"
To all the people who stand up as soon as the plane has landed...
You must suffer from p**... evacuation.
Teacher:"Anyone who thinks they're s**... stand up!"
Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's s**... may stand up!"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "Im sure there are some s**... students over here!!"
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're s**...?"
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."
Johnny
A teacher stood up in class, folding her arms. "Stand up if you think you're s**...!" She yelled. Nobody did. "I said stand up!" She repeated. Eventually, Johnny stood up. "So, Johnny! You think you're s**...?"
"No, Miss." Johnny replied quietly. "I just feel bad that you're standing alone."
A teacher was speaking to her class about self-esteem.
A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were s**... to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn't think anyone would stand up so she asked him, Why did you stand up? He answered, I didn't want to leave you standing up by yourself.
"If there are two idiots in the room, please stand up . . ."
The sarcastic teacher said this before surveying the room with a smarmy smile.
After a long silence, a lone student stands up in the middle of the classroom.
"I honestly didn't expect anyone to stand up. Mister, why do you consider yourself and an idiot?" The teacher asks this with a sneer.
"Well actually, I don't think I am," the student replied timidly, "but it didn't seem right to let you stand up alone."
A joke my mom told me when i was younger
An irish man decides to go for a drink after work. He goes to a local pub and has way too many and when the end of the night comes hes completely plastered. He goes to stand up and immediately falls right on his face. He crawls all the way home and crawls into bed and falls asleep. In the morning his wife yells wake up! Were you drinking at the pub again? The man says no! She says your lying, i know you were there! He says how do you know that? She says you left your wheelchair there again!
A teacher is teaching a class of kids about intelligence
She explains what intelligence is and then
Teacher: people opposite to intelligent are called s**.... Now how many of you think of yourselves as s**..., stand up.
She waits to see if someone would stand up but no one does. After a long while, finally a kid stands up.
Teacher: Do you think you are s**...?
Student: No
Teacher: Then why did you stand up?
Student: I felt bad since you're the only one standing.
I was bullied...
When I was a little kid this other kid in a wheelchair used to bully me but I couldn't do anything about it because I felt bad making fun of him. So for the rest of my life people knew me as the guy who "couldn't stand up for himself" and I think that's ironic considering it all.
If there are any idiots in the room, stand up...
...said the teacher.
After a while, one student stood up.
"Now then, why do you consider yourself an idiot?"
"Well, actually I don't" said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
There's this wheelchair bound kid that gets bullied alot.
It's really sad cause he can't seem to stand up for himself.
Little Johnny
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're s**..., stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're s**..., Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
I saw some crippled kid getting picked on the other day...
He got kinda upset with me when I told him to stand up for himself.
I saw a guy in a wheelchair being made fun of
I told him to stand up for himself.
What if Steven Hawking...
What if Steven Hawking is the real Slim shady, but we don't know because he cant stand up.
A husband and wife grow distressed as more and more uninvited guests swarm into their party.
The husband has a plan.
He moves to the front, manages to get everyone's attention, and calls out, "If you're from the groom's side, please stand up."
About one fourth of the guests stands up.
He calls out, "Those from the bride's side, please stand up."
Another one fourth of the guests stands up.
He smiles and says, "If you are standing up, please leave. This is a birthday party."
There's a giant hole in town and everybody is falling in it and going to the hospital
The mayor holds a meeting and asks everyone to propose a solution.
Someone stand up and says: "We should put a cop next to the hole and whenever someone falls he'll call an ambulance."
Another person offers to put an ambulance next to the hole.
Someone else offers to build a hospital next to the hole.
At this point everybody starts arguing so the mayor shuts everybody up and says: "You are all s**.... We should close up the hole and dig another one next to the hospital."
The men at gay bars are so polite...
Every time I stand up they offer to push in my stool.
I don't know who this Rorschach guy is, but he is really good at drawing pictures of my disappointed father.
Credit to one of the writers of the Daily Show when I saw him do stand up, but I don't remember the name.
Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's s**... may stand up!"
Nobody stands up
Teacher: "I'm sure there are some s**... students over here!!"
Little John stands up
Teacher: "Ohh, John you think you're s**...?"
Little John: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."
My Himalayan friend has a cow that refuses to stand up
I always see Himalayan there.
An old woman falls asleep in church
The priest asks, "How many of you commit adultery? Those who do, stand up." Just then the old lady wakes up and asks her son-in-law, "What did he say?" The son-in-law wants to play a prank and answers "Those who take Tic Tacs have to stand up." The woman, who takes the pills by boxes, stands up. Everyone gasps, and the priest asks, "How could you, at your age?"
"Just because I've got no teeth doesn't mean I can't s**... 'em!"
I'm surprised so many people stand up against vaccinating their kids.
I thought the Polio would have prevented that.
Why do crippled kids get picked on so much?
Because they can't stand up for themselves.
What do you call a lizard that tells jokes?
A stand up chameleon!
A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were s**... to stand up.
One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn't think anyone would stand up so she asked him, Why did you stand up? He answered, I didn't want to leave you standing up by yourself.
Why did the crippled kid get bullied at school?
Because he can't stand up for himself.
Mr. Larkin isn't satisfied with the performance of his class
So on day, he says with an odious smile:
'Please, whoever thinks they're an idiot: stand up!'
Big silence, everyone remains seated. Suddenly, a young man stands up carefully.
'So, you think the appellation of "idiot" applies to you, do you?' asks Mr. Larkin in a derisory tone.
'Honestly? Not really. I just couldn't bear to see you stand alone, sir.'
What do the Dallas Cowboys and the Rev. Billie Graham have in common?
Both can make 70,000 people stand up and shout "JESUS CHRIST!"
I'm willing to defend Dave Chappelle.
If you ask me, I think he's a real stand up guy.
I was walking in the jungle…
I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes
I turn to the local tribesman and said That lizard is really funny.
The tribesman replied That's not a lizard…
He's a stand up chameleon…
One day a college professor was greeting his new college class...
He stood up in front of the class and asked if anyone in the class was a m**...,
and if they were, they should stand up.
After a minute a young man stood up.
The professor then asked the kid if he actually thought he was a m**....
The kid replied,
'No, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself'.
Electrical Hum - True story
Was working on a Generator switchgear with the factory representative who was from Ireland and we had the generators running and the electrical panel open with all the thick bare copper busbars visible. As most may know anything with a ton of electricity flowing through it makes this humming sound. I told the rep that the hum always makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.
He said " Do u know why it hums?"
Me, expecting a technical response, " No I dont know. Why does it hum?"
With a totally serious face he replied " Cuz it dont know the fookin words"
A kid asked his father What is dark humor?
The Dad responds with See that man in the wheel chair, tell him to stand up. And the kid's only response was But dad I'm blind.
If you are s**..., stand up!
Teacher: Everyone who thinks they are s**..., stand up.
After a while, Little Johnny stands up,
Teacher: Ah, so we have one s**... person among us.
Little Johnny: Actually, It broke my heart to see you standing there alone.
Why couldn't the 2-seater bike stand up by itself?
It was two tired.
Why do people in wheelchairs have such low confidence?
Because they never stand up for themselves.
What's the definition of a politician?
A person whose skin is so thick they can stand upright even without a spine
A teacher asked her students a question
"Stand up if you think you're s**...."
The room was quiet for a bit, then one boy stood up.
"Do you think your s**..., James?", asked the teacher.
"No," replied James.
"Why did you stand up then?" asked the teacher.
"I didn't want you to be standing alone."
The CEO of Ryanair, walks into a pub...
Michael O'Leary, the CEO of Ryanair, walks into a pub.
The he says to the bartender "Can I have a pint of beer?"
The bartender says "Certainly, that'll be €0.50"
He responds with "50 cents? That's wonderfully cheap!"
But then the bartender tells him "And it'll be €1 for the glass, €3 if you want to sit down, €7 if you stand up, €15 to use the loo... "
I did my first stand up routine in Chernobyl last night
I got glowing reviews
What do you call an Iguana that can't stand up straight?
Ereptile Dysfunction.
There are 101 nuns on a bus....
They are all going on a trip. The head Mother Superior stand up and faces all the nuns. She says
"There seem to a problem going on in our church"
99 nuns gasp and one snickers.
She then hold up a c**... and says
"I had found this in our chapel"
99 nuns gasp and one snickers.
"But don't worry" she says, "well find them soon, there's a hole in it"
99 nuns snicker and one gasps.
I've decided to stand up to my upstairs neighbors.
After all, they've been walking over me since I moved in.
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up", said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?", inquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
Do you want to go to heaven?
A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?" The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."
Why didn't the alcoholic became a comedian?
Because he couldn't stand up.
I'm trying to get all chairs banned.
I stand up for what I believe in.
A boy is making sure a microphone works for an open bar stand up night.
Aa boy, not much older than 12 or 13, comes up to the mic and says
"Ice, ice, icicle".
"Pop, pop, popsicle".
"Test," and the crowd stares in horror as the inevitable is going to happen.
"Test, testing one two three"
Why is Taiwan willing to stand up to China?
Because it has a Taipei personality
I got offered the chance to do n**... stand up comedy recently.
There was no money in it, but it was worth it for the exposure.
A drunk walks into a church...
...during mass and sits down. The priest is bothered by his presence and says to everybody:
\-The drink is a terrible vice, so much so that a drunk man will never reach salvation. If any of you is inebriated, I ask you to stand up.
The drunk man does, looks around to everybody sitted and says:
\-Whelp, I guess it's just the two of us, father.
I have no respect for those in wheel chairs who remain silent when people make fun of their disability
Stand up for yourself!
What if Stephen Hawking
Is the real Slim Shady but he can't stand up
Ron Jeremy was arrested for s**... assault
Because Ron Jeremy is 67 years old, Prosecutors are worried the evidence won't stand up in court.
Further, Ron Jeremy is entitled to a jury of his peers. Prosecutors are afraid it will be a hung jury.
Why can't bycicles stand up?
Because they are two tired. ;)
Why do Horses stand up and stretch their legs as soon as they are born?
Because they've been running out of w**....
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up?
It was two tired...
