Uproarious Stand Jokes to Have a Laugh Out Loud Good Time
Why can't Lebron James stand on his tippy toes?
He gets no support from his Cavs
My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an e**....
I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.
I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...
Little b**... didn't stand a chanceβ¦
There's one thing I can't stand when I'm drunk
Up
An elementary teacher wanted to introduce physiological notions to her students.
She asks her class: Whoever feels s**... at times stand up!
After a while, little Johnny stands up, grudgingly.
The teacher asks: So Johnny, you feel s**... from time to time?
Little Johnny replies: No ma'am, it's just painful to see you standing all alone.
I'm sick of tired of people soaking my floor with their wet umbrellas when they come over to visit.
I think it's time to make a stand.
Foreign s**...
A man decides he wants to have a one night stand with a foreign girl. So he meets a girl they go to the bedroom. After the first round, the man says to her, You finish? The girl shakes her head, no. So they do it again. Now the man is really tired. So he says, You finish? Again, she shakes her head. So they do it again. By now, the man is exhausted. So he says to the girl, You finish? The girl answers, No, I Norwegian .
Why did Gollum leave the room every time Sam and Frodo lit their pipes?
He couldn't stand being around such filthy habitses.
Here's a great life hack!
When you're cold stand in a corner. It's 90 degrees!
You guys want to play that new Michael Brown drinking game?
It's easy, you just stand there and take eight shots.
Saw my ex...
On my way home from work last year i saw my ex being beaten up by 3 guys, i stopped the car and ran over to help...she didnt stand a chance against 4 of us.
You can explore stand foyer reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean stand endure dad jokes. There are also stand puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
LPT: If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes; they're usually about 90 degrees.
( Ν‘Β° ΝΚ Ν‘Β°)
Why did Jon Snow stand in line for 6 hours at the Apple Store?
For the watch
What does idk stand for?
Literally everyone I ask doesn't know.
EXTRA-LARGE CONDOMS
A woman asks the pharmacist if he sells extra-large condoms.
The pharmacist replies, "Yes, would you like to buy some?"
The woman says, "No, but do you mind if I stand here and wait to see if anyone buys a box?"
Just saw two elementary school kids in a fistfight...
So as an adult, I had to step in.
They didn't stand a chance.
Go away bee, don't bother me.
A wise man once told me, if a bee is bothering you, don't swat or run away, just stand still and look right at it, because seeing is believing.
What does DNA stand for
National Dyslexia Association.
Hi, I'm black, and I can't stand it when people assume we're all criminals
-Sent from your iPhone.
I hate it when people make fun of the disabled
They can't even stand up for themselves
I didn't think my doctor could fix my bowed legs.
I stand corrected.
Why are people in wheelchairs always getting taken advantage of?
Because they're easy to push around and never stand up for themselves
When counting down, I can't stand negative numbers
I stop at nothing to avoid them.
Had a house party last night
...and there's always one left over! Laid on the floor in the corner, still that drunk? He couldn't even stand! Asked him where he lived, then dragged him down the driveway to my car, his legs all over the place, picked him up, threw him inside, & took him home. Dragged him up to his house & knocked on his front door, "I've brought your son home."
His mother replied, "Where is his wheel chair?"
Golf is like urinating in a public toilet
- Keep your back straight
- knees bent.
- Feet shoulder width apart.
- Form a loose Grip
- keep your head down
- avoid a quick backswing
- stay out of the water
- try not to hit anybody
- if you taking too long you should let others go ahead of you
- you shouldn't stand directly in front of others
- be quite when others are about to go
- keep strokes to a minimum
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel.
They were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories when the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off.
''Because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''
United States
Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S. One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"
I like to stand in the corner of my psychiatrist's waiting room and blow on anyone who walks by...
Most people hate it, but I'm a fan...
What does a mechanic do for a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts.
At a wedding reception, the best man said, 'would all the married men please stand next to the person that made their lives worth living.'
The poor bartender was crushed to death.
I'm not sure about my stand on the abortion issue....
On one side, I love to kill babies but on the other side, I hate to give women a choice.
Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners?
Because he can't do stand up
I saw a kid getting beaten up by 4 gang members, so I helped out.
He didn't stand a chance against the 5 of us.
I can't stand abortions
I'm ok with killing babies... but the idea of a woman making decisions just doesn't sit right with me.
I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.
On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."
I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.
As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."
I dated a girl in a wheelchair
She broke up with me because I kept pushing her around.
I said, "why don't you stand up for yourself?"
What does a robot do after a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts.
I'll see myself out.
What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?
The second nightstand.
...I'm so sorry.
Teacher: "Anyone who thinks they're s**..., stand up"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher:"There has to be at least one s**... student here"
*Timmy stands up*
Teacher:"Timmy do you think you're s**...?"
Timmy:"No, I just felt bad that you were standing alone"
A guy walks into a bar and orders fruit punch
The bartender says, "Pal, If you want punch, you'll have to go stand in line."
The guys looks around, but there is no punch line.
I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper...
She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly didn't stand a chance.
Idiot Teacher
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
What's the engineering term for a one night stand?
A nut and bolt.
I asked my daughter to bring me my newspaper
She told me that newspapers are oldschool. She said me that people nowadays use tablets and handed me her iPad
That fly didn't stand a chance
An Arab and a Jew stand in front of a h**... statue.
The Jew spits on the statue.
Arab: why did you do that?
Jew: because he killed half my people.
The Arab spits on the statue as well.
Jew: why did you do that?
Arab: because he didn't kill the other half.
The soviet union actually made the best bread in the world.
People would stand in line for days just to get a piece of it.
I was standing in a library
And a black dude walks up to me and asked if i knew where the colored printer was. I told him "dude, it's almost 2018, use any printer you want."
Why must 8 always stand up?
If it lies down, it's forever.
Why is it wrong to bully people in wheel chair?
Because they can't stand up for themselves.
I admit I was wrong about how good my chiropractor is.
I stand corrected.
Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?
Because it's two-tired.
I wanna do stand up comedy on a gay cruise...
...so I can open with: "Hey, everyone. Thanks for coming out."
Scientists have discovered why flamingos stand on one leg
Because if they lifted the other one as well, they'd fall.
What does the F in Ethiopia stand for?
Food
I always keep a gun on my night stand in case of an intruder
so I can shoot myself instead of meeting new people
My friend Billy Bob and I visited a place where you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. Billy Bob opened up and said that he was actually in a fourth state; crippling depression. I said, I'm so sorry
... but you can't count Missouri twice.
I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she's sleeping ..
...and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects
Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a s**... harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?
The woman replies: It's Frank, the midget.
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?
It was two tired!
A Dutch joke about the Brits and their love for queues, don't know if it translates well
A Brit walks down the street and sees two queues. He gets behind one of them, and asks the woman in front of him:
What is this queue for?
Just for fun says the women.
But what if I don't want to stand in the queue? The Brit asks.
To which the woman replies that's what the other queue is for
"The word of the day is 'contagious'" Said the teacher, "Who can use it in a sentence?"
Little Jenny stood up and said "My dad has a cold and said its contagious"
The teacher praised Jenny and ask for an example from another student.
Billy stood up and said "Miss, my mum has the flu, and I think its contagious"
Happy with Billy's response, the teacher asked for one more student to stand up and give an example.
β
Little Johnny stood up...
"Miss, my next door neighbour is painting his house with a 1 inch brush and my dad said its going to take the contagious."
Don't know if this has been posted here but let's try
Little Johnny came home and ran to his mother.
"Mummy! I was on the bus with Daddy and he made me stand up so a woman could sit down."
"Well...How kind of your daddy! You should learn from him."
Johnny then frowned.
"I was sitting on Daddy's lap"
The woman at the furniture store keeps calling!
All I wanted was the one night stand.
The D.J. at a wedding reception yelled, "Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death.
Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine
He inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a s**... harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?
The woman replies: It's Frank, the midget.
A mathematician, a physicist and a biologist all stand in front of an empty house.
Suddenly, two people enter the house and after a couple of minutes, three people leave through the front door.
The biologist says - They must've reproduced!
The physicist says - This must be a measurement error!
The mathematician says - If one more person enters, the house will be empty!
I can't believe how everybody's freaking out over that guy stealing Nancy Pelosi's podium.
He was clearly just taking a political stand.
An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space
Lord , he prays, I cannot stand this, please open a parking space for me and I swear I'll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.
The clouds part and the sun shines on an empty space in the car park. Without hesitation the Irishman says, Actually never mind, I've found one.
Here is an actual sign posted in a golf club.
1. Back straight, knees bent.
2. Feet shoulder width apart.
3. Form a loose grip.
4. Keep your head down!
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please while others are preparing.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
Well done. Now, flush the u**... and go outside and tee off.
A janitor at my work asked me to come over and smoke w**... with her!!
I told her No. I can't stand high maintenance women.
h**... dies and goes in front of a h**... gate...
St. Peter is waiting, judging him.
They stand in silence when h**... breaks it:" St. Peter, where am I?"
"h**..., h**...." he responds.
"Ya, ya, Heil h**..., but where am I?".
Instead of a Handyman, my apartment complex has a Handywoman.
She's a bit of a pothead but d**... good at her job. Today she asked me if I wanted to smoke with her but I declined cuz I can't stand high maintenance women.
Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii?
Because the audience only responds in a low ha
I can't stand my wife's ideas for our kitchen redesign
And I'm not convinced by her counterarguments.
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2
I paid my $2 and he says "once upon a time, there was this lobster....."
A boxer was having trouble sleeping.
He goes to the doctor.
Doctor asks "Have you tried counting sheep?
Boxer replies "I have but every time I get to the count of eight, I stand up.
A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says to the vendor...
"Make me one with everything."
So the hotdog vendor makes him a hotdog with every topping, and the Buddhist hands him a twenty. He proceeds to eat the hotdog, but gets no change for his twenty dollar bill. He says, "Hey, where's my change?"
The hotdog vendor replies, "Change comes only from within."
(Courtesy of my fifty year old husband, who cant go five hecking minutes without making a dad joke)
What does idk stand for?
I've asked lots of people but nobody seems to know.
I'm sick and tired of this "everybody wins" mentality kids have these days.
Seriously, they never exercise, lie in bed 12 hours a day, and sit down far more often than they stand up. And they still get atrophy.
I can't stand homeless people
Every time I leave work, one of them approaches me and shakes his can full of coins just to show off how he has more money than me.
What does the H in America stand for?
Healthcare
LPT: If you are ever at a party or business meeting with Spanish speakers, make sure to stand up and say Mucho
It means a lot to them
I still 100% stand behind Alec Baldwin..
Standing in front of him is too dangerous.
How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Usually one. Lightbulbs are relatively easy to screw in, although depending on the position/location of said light it may require a stepladder or some sort of object to stand on to elevate yourself. Always be careful when installing electronics, make sure the light switch is OFF before going near it
These two cannibals are sitting by the campfire having dinner. One says " I can't stand my mother in law".
The other says " so , just eat the potatoes".
I stand behind Alec Baldwin
It's far safer than standing in front of him.
I can't stand reading unoriginal jokes on reddit
Thankfully, I spend most of the day sat down.
Putin, Obama and Merkel stand at the sea
Putin presents a submarine, saying: "This best russian technology! Our submarines stay 1 month under water without ever need to go surface!"
Obama smiles and says:
"This is our submarine... It can stay up to 3 months under water, no need to emerge even one time!"
Merkel stands next to them saying nothing.
Suddenly the sea is rambling and a submarine emerges next to them.
The top hatch opens and out pops and old man, raising his arm and shouting
"HEIL H*TLER, WE NEED DIESEL!"
An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space...
"Lord", he prays, "I cannot stand this, please open a parking space for me and I swear I'll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday."
The clouds part and the sun shines on an empty space in the parking lot. Without hesitation the Irishman says, "Actually nevermind, I have found one."
[Not OC, found a screenshot in my phone I found really hilarious. Original cr
That his punchline comes before the joke
Chuck Norris is so powerful at stand up comedy...
Three men stand before a judge.
What crime did you commit? He asks the first one.
I threw peanuts in the elephant pen at the zoo, he replies.
That doesn't sound so bad. the judge says in confusion before addressing the second man, What crime did you commit?
I threw peanuts in the elephant pen at the zoo, the second man replies.
Again that doesn't sound so bad, the judge says, his confusion building. He turns to the third man, What crime did you commit?
The third man steps forward and says, Well, my name is Peanutsβ¦.
Jesus walked on water...
And I can't even stand up on good bourbon.
I never though that orthopedic shoes would be good for me.....
but, after trying a pair, I stand corrected.
