Stand Jokes

Following is our collection of foyer puns and booth one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Stand jokes for adults, dirty endure jokes and clean custer last stand dad gags for kids.

The Best Stand Puns

Why can't Lebron James stand on his tippy toes?

He gets no support from his Cavs

My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an erection.

I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.

I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn't stand a chance…

I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.

On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."

I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.

As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired!


My friend Billy Bob and I visited a place where you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. Billy Bob opened up and said that he was actually in a fourth state; crippling depression. I said, I'm so sorry

... but you can't count Missouri twice.

I dated a girl in a wheelchair

She broke up with me because I kept pushing her around.

I said, "why don't you stand up for yourself?"

What does a carpenter do after a one night stand?

The second nightstand.

...I'm so sorry.

What does the F in Ethiopia stand for?

Food

What does a robot do after a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts.




I'll see myself out.

I like to stand in the corner of my psychiatrist's waiting room and blow on anyone who walks by...

Most people hate it, but I'm a fan...


Why did Jon Snow stand in line for 6 hours at the Apple Store?

For the watch

Why are people in wheelchairs always getting taken advantage of?

Because they're easy to push around and never stand up for themselves

LPT: If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes; they're usually about 90 degrees.

( Ν‘Β° ΝœΚ– Ν‘Β°)

When counting down, I can't stand negative numbers

I stop at nothing to avoid them.

What does idk stand for?

Literally everyone I ask doesn't know.

What does a mechanic do for a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts.

Here's a great life hack!

When you're cold stand in a corner. It's 90 degrees!

I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper...

She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly didn't stand a chance.


At a wedding reception, the best man said, 'would all the married men please stand next to the person that made their lives worth living.'

The poor bartender was crushed to death.

Saw my ex...

On my way home from work last year i saw my ex being beaten up by 3 guys, i stopped the car and ran over to help...she didnt stand a chance against 4 of us.

Had a house party last night

...and there's always one left over! Laid on the floor in the corner, still that drunk? He couldn't even stand! Asked him where he lived, then dragged him down the driveway to my car, his legs all over the place, picked him up, threw him inside, & took him home. Dragged him up to his house & knocked on his front door, "I've brought your son home."
His mother replied, "Where is his wheel chair?"

A Dutch joke about the Brits and their love for queues, don't know if it translates well

A Brit walks down the street and sees two queues. He gets behind one of them, and asks the woman in front of him:

What is this queue for?

Just for fun says the women.

But what if I don't want to stand in the queue? The Brit asks.

To which the woman replies that's what the other queue is for

I'm sick of tired of people soaking my floor with their wet umbrellas when they come over to visit.

I think it's time to make a stand.

I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she's sleeping ..

...and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects

Why is it wrong to bully people in wheel chair?

Because they can't stand up for themselves.

The D.J. at a wedding reception yelled, "Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

I saw a kid getting beaten up by 4 gang members, so I helped out.

He didn't stand a chance against the 5 of us.

United States

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S. One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"

I can't stand abortions

I'm ok with killing babies... but the idea of a woman making decisions just doesn't sit right with me.

Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners?

Because he can't do stand up

Go away bee, don't bother me.

A wise man once told me, if a bee is bothering you, don't swat or run away, just stand still and look right at it, because seeing is believing.

An Arab and a Jew stand in front of a Hitler statue.

The Jew spits on the statue.
Arab: why did you do that?
Jew: because he killed half my people.

The Arab spits on the statue as well.
Jew: why did you do that?
Arab: because he didn't kill the other half.

Hi, I'm black, and I can't stand it when people assume we're all criminals

-Sent from your iPhone.

There's one thing I can't stand when I'm drunk

Up

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel.

They were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories when the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off.

''Because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''

I wanna do stand up comedy on a gay cruise...

...so I can open with: "Hey, everyone. Thanks for coming out."

What does DNA stand for

National Dyslexia Association.

EXTRA-LARGE CONDOMS

A woman asks the pharmacist if he sells extra-large condoms.
The pharmacist replies, "Yes, would you like to buy some?"
The woman says, "No, but do you mind if I stand here and wait to see if anyone buys a box?"

Idiot Teacher

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine

He inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.


The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?


The woman replies: It's Frank, the midget.

"The word of the day is 'contagious'" Said the teacher, "Who can use it in a sentence?"

Little Jenny stood up and said "My dad has a cold and said its contagious"

The teacher praised Jenny and ask for an example from another student.

Billy stood up and said "Miss, my mum has the flu, and I think its contagious"

Happy with Billy's response, the teacher asked for one more student to stand up and give an example.



Little Johnny stood up...

"Miss, my next door neighbour is painting his house with a 1 inch brush and my dad said its going to take the contagious."

I asked my daughter to bring me my newspaper

She told me that newspapers are oldschool. She said me that people nowadays use tablets and handed me her iPad

That fly didn't stand a chance

Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?

Because it's two-tired.

Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?

The woman replies: It's Frank, the midget.

The soviet union actually made the best bread in the world.

People would stand in line for days just to get a piece of it.

I hate it when people make fun of the disabled

They can't even stand up for themselves

What's the engineering term for a one night stand?

A nut and bolt.

The woman at the furniture store keeps calling!

All I wanted was the one night stand.

You guys want to play that new Michael Brown drinking game?

It's easy, you just stand there and take eight shots.

I always keep a gun on my night stand in case of an intruder

so I can shoot myself instead of meeting new people

I admit I was wrong about how good my chiropractor is.

I stand corrected.

I'm not sure about my stand on the abortion issue....

On one side, I love to kill babies but on the other side, I hate to give women a choice.

Don't know if this has been posted here but let's try

Little Johnny came home and ran to his mother.


"Mummy! I was on the bus with Daddy and he made me stand up so a woman could sit down."


"Well...How kind of your daddy! You should learn from him."

Johnny then frowned.


"I was sitting on Daddy's lap"

Why must 8 always stand up?

If it lies down, it's forever.

Golf is like urinating in a public toilet

- Keep your back straight

- knees bent.

- Feet shoulder width apart.

- Form a loose Grip

- keep your head down

- avoid a quick backswing

- stay out of the water

- try not to hit anybody

- if you taking too long you should let others go ahead of you

- you shouldn't stand directly in front of others

- be quite when others are about to go

- keep strokes to a minimum

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up"

*Nobody stands up*
Teacher:"There has to be at least one stupid student here"
*Timmy stands up*
Teacher:"Timmy do you think you're stupid?"
Timmy:"No, I just felt bad that you were standing alone"

Foreign Sex

A man decides he wants to have a one night stand with a foreign girl. So he meets a girl they go to the bedroom. After the first round, the man says to her, You finish? The girl shakes her head, no. So they do it again. Now the man is really tired. So he says, You finish? Again, she shakes her head. So they do it again. By now, the man is exhausted. So he says to the girl, You finish? The girl answers, No, I Norwegian .

A guy walks into a bar and orders fruit punch

The bartender says, "Pal, If you want punch, you'll have to go stand in line."

The guys looks around, but there is no punch line.

Scientists have discovered why flamingos stand on one leg

Because if they lifted the other one as well, they'd fall.

Just saw two elementary school kids in a fistfight...

So as an adult, I had to step in.

They didn't stand a chance.

I was standing in a library

And a black dude walks up to me and asked if i knew where the colored printer was. I told him "dude, it's almost 2018, use any printer you want."

I didn't think my doctor could fix my bowed legs.

I stand corrected.

Why did Gollum leave the room every time Sam and Frodo lit their pipes?

He couldn't stand being around such filthy habitses.

Apparently the Dad jokes never stop...

I just told my wife I was going to go hop in the shower; my 66 year old father-in-law looks me straight in the face and says, "You know, it works better if you just stand in it"...

Yo momma's so mean

she has no standard deviation

What does FDR stand for?

Nothing.

When I was a kid, I had a lemonade stand. I'd give away the first glass for free and charge $20 for the second.

The refill contained the antidote.

I don't know why the beautiful attendant at IKEA reported me to the police

All I asked was, "How much for one night stand?"

Going to mass is basically just like a dog being trained

A guy tells you to sit and stand and sit and stand, and at the end they give you a snack

Where did the memes make their last stand?

The Aylmao.

The difference between rural, suburban, and urban.

- If you stand naked on the front porch and the neighbors can't see you, it's rural.
- If you stand naked on the front porch and the neighbors call the cops, it's suburban.
- If you stand naked on the front porch and the neighbors ignore you, it's urban.

Credit to someone on /u/jasonreid1976's Facebook.

What does a carpenter do after one night stand?

A matching one for the other side of the bed.

Lemonade

A man stumbles upon a little girl's lemonade stand and asks, "How much for a glass?" "First one's twenty-five cents," she responds. He hands her the money, downs the lemonade, and asks for another. "The second cup is twenty-five dollars", she states. Confused, the man asks, "Why?"

"This one has the antidote."

A kid walks into the living room

And tells his dad, "Dad, I'm freezing!"

The dad says, not looking away from the TV, "Go stand in the corner."

The kid is surprised, what did he do wrong? "But why?"

The dad looks at his son and grins evilly. "The corner is 90 degrees!"

"DAD!"

The national anthem is under attack

And I won't stand for it!

Sometimes I like to stand in front of a mirror and reflect.

I like to stand in the corner at parties and blow on anyone who walks by.

People hate it, but I'm a fan.

I'm halfway through becoming a stand up comedian

I can stand up, now all I need is comedy

Saw my ex-gf being beaten up by 4 guys, so as a human being I had to step in and help..

She didn't stand a chance against the 5 of us

The janitor of my apartment building asked if I wanted to smoke some weed with her

I told her no. I can't stand high maintenance women.

An elementary teacher wanted to introduce physiological notions to her students.

She asks her class: Whoever feels stupid at times stand up!
After a while, little Johnny stands up, grudgingly.
The teacher asks: So Johnny, you feel stupid from time to time?
Little Johnny replies: No ma'am, it's just painful to see you standing all alone.

To all the people who stand up as soon as the plane has landed...

You must suffer from premature evacuation.

Went to go see Black Panther today

And the employee at the concession stand asked wakanda snacks i wanted

There is an abundance of podium jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 84 funniest jokes and stand puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any hold witze you can hear about stand.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes