stan Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious stan stories

What are the best Stan puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Stan? Well here is a complete list of Stan dad jokes:

For anyone attending Stan Lee's funeral...

Make sure you stay after the ceremony is finished.



Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunting camp.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over. The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, Nope, ain't Stanley .

The mortician thought this was rather strange, So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over. The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, No, it ain't Stanley.

The mortician asked, How can you tell?

Gomer said, Well, Stanley had two ass-holes.

What! He had two ass-holes? asked the mortician.

Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, there's Stanley with them two ass-holes.


So I was standing behind this girl

I was standing behind this girl at a school dance while we were waiting to get some juice. She was really pretty, so I thought I'd break the ice with a joke.

I tapped her on the shoulder and said "Hey, what's blue and smells like red paint?"

She smiled and asked, "what?"

As I was about to open my mouth, I accidentally tripped and knocked over everyone in front of me. I never got to finish the joke, but that's how I totally screwed up the punch line.


I can't stand those interfering people who bang on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn"...

Fucking firemen.


Yo mama's so mean...

She has no standard deviation.


Standing next to an attractive woman in the elevator.

I turned to her and asked politely if I could smell her pussy. Bristling, she snapped "NO, you can't!" Oh, I said, "It must be your feet then."


Why should you stand in a corner when you are cold?

Because corners are *90* *degrees*


Sometimes I stand in front of a Redbox until a long line gathers behind me..

Then I'll yell. Where's the fucking Pepsi button on this thing?


I was standing in line at the supermarket checkout last week.

I turned around and saw a beautiful young woman who looked a little familiar. I told her that I thought I knew her, to which she replied, "Well you should remember me. You`re the father of one of my kids."

I had to stop and think, and then it hit me. "New Years Eve - 2008. That rooftop party in San Diego! Wow! We got so high together, didn`t we? That was some night, huh? I guess I should have stayed in touch."

She looked at me a little puzzled and said, "What are you talking about? I am your son`s pre-school teacher."


I can't stand being in a wheelchair.



I was standing drunk at the men's urinal in the pub

shaking my little man after a piss when I heard, "Stop it, Dad. You're making me dizzy."


Custer's Last Stand

At Big Horn County High School, the senior class is responsible for decorating the field for homecoming. This year, the principal decides that the theme should be "Custer's Last Stand."

So, homecoming comes around any the entire county is gathered at the stadium, watching the homecoming game. Half-time come around, and the decorating committee sets up a huge curtain that covers the entire field!

After some time, the curtain falls and the entire crowd is shocked. In the middle of the field, there is a giant pile of manure! On top of the manure, there is a halo. In a circle around the base of the manure pile, there are people dressed as Native Americans, and every one is in a different sexual position.

The principal is furious, and immediately runs up to the Senior Class president. "What the hell is this? This was supposed to be Custer's Last Stand!"

"It is! I call it Custer's last thought!"


"Holy shit! Look at all the fucking Indians!"


I was standing with an old lady at the ATM the other day and she asked if I could help her check her balance

So I took her walking stick and pushed her over


I can't stand pedophiles.

They're fucking immature assholes.


someone tried to tell stan lee this joke during his panel at comic con this week end

what do you call spiderman when he quits the daily bugal and starts working as a valet?

peter PARKER.


I can't stand being in a wheelchair...


I was standing at an intersection...

waiting on traffic to change so I could cross. While I waited a blind man also stopped at the corner with his service dog. While we stood waiting I noticed the dog lift his leg and pee on the man's pants leg. Once the dog was done the man reached into his pocket and pulled out a treat and offer it to the dog. I was startled and had to tell him, "Sir, I just wanted you to know that your animal just pee'd on your leg."
"Yes, I know. I'm used to it," he replied.
"Then why do you reward him with a treat afterwards?"
"It isn't a treat. I'm trying to find his head so I can kick him in the ass."


My standards for chimneys are so high...

they go through the roof.


I was standing in line in a restaurant when I noticed a man burying his hand in my pocket.

I said, "Just what the hell do you think you're doing?"

He told me he was looking for a match.

I said, "Why didn't you ask?" And he said "I don't talk to strangers."


My standards for women are the same as my standards for juice.

Five and Alive.



Sometimes I like to stand in front of my fishbowl, eating a tuna sandwich. Let 'em know who's boss.


I cannot stand third-world frat boy trends.

I just hate the way they're always popping their cholera.


I can't stand sitting down


I'm going to go stand outside.

If anyone asks, tell them, I'm outstanding.


I was standing in the park...

...wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer. Then it hit me.


What does E.T stand for?

Because he hasn't got a chair!.....



I used to be a stand-up comedian, but then I got in a really bad car accident... I'm a sit-down comedian.


I tried to do standup once

They told me to sit back down


I want to be a stand-up comedian...

But I'm afraid I'll be laughed at.


Where do the stankass penguins live?



Some people's standards make no sense whatsoever

For some reason being under 18 is a huge turn off...


Standing at the urinal

I was in a public restroom earlier today and another man came in and commented that the some of the lights were burnt out. Then he said "I used to come in here for show and tell, but now it's more like search and rescue!"


What did Stanley Kowalski say to Christopher Nolan?




Sometimes I'll stand in front of my fishbowl eating a tuna sandwich, just so they know their place.


Standing in a park today wondering why a frisbee gets larger the closer it gets.

And then it hit me!

-Stewart Francis


Stand up comedy is a lot of hit and miss.

That's why the back wall of the stage sometimes ends up covered in rotten tomatoes.


There were three standing on a bridge

He, she and his.


Be sure you are standing on your left foot and only your left foot at midnight tonight... that you start the new year off on the right foot!


"We stand on the shoulders of giants."

Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb, but I invented the lightbulb up my ass.


I cannot stand sitting beside a racist person.

because its impossible to sit and stand simultaneously..


Standing in the Park wondering why...

I was standing in the Park wondering why Frisbies appear larger the closer it gets.

Then it hit me.


Standard Joke

Three blanks walk into a bar. There is something ridicolous about them. They decide to sit down. They proceed to order a drink. The bartender is casual, even though a bewildering sight preceeds him.

The first blank does something. Something happens.

The second blank does the same thing. Something similar happens.

The third blank does something different. The bartender asks why. The third blank gives an answer that ties everything together in a comical way. End of line.


I just can't stand Indian politics.

Ugh, it makes me Sikh.


What is the best stand-up routine of our time?

I nominate Chris Rock's Never Scared.


I really can't stand listening to dubstep...

I guess it just wubs me the wrong way.


I cannot stand pickles.

They always fall down when I try.


This has been my stand-by joke since I was about 12

Two brothers want to go deer hunting but the only land nearby is owned by a grumpy farmer.

The decide to ask him if they can hunt on his property but when they pull up in the driveway neither brother wants to go knock on the door.

They play rock-paper-scissors and the older brother loses. He walks to the door and asks the farmer if they can go hunting.

The old farmer points to a nearby corral and says "See that horse? She's been mine for 20 years. She's blind and dying and I don't have the heart to put her down. If you do that for me, you boys can hunt on my land".

The older brother agrees and while walking back to the truck he thinks of a prank to play on his younger brother.

"I'll teach that lousy no-good farmer to say no!" he exclaims. "See that horse over there? Watch this!" He levels his rifle and shoots it! He hears gunshots next to him and looks at his brother.

"I got two of his cows" yells the younger brother, "lets get out of here!"


There was a stand-up comedian notorious for his
practical jokes.

So one day, during a performance, he asked that anyone from the audience come on to the stage. A blond girl walked up. He asked her, "Can you tell us a joke?". The blond girl was well aware that the comedian was trying to pull some prank. She had decided that, no matter what, she would not fall for any of his tricks. So she took the mike from him, and proudly announced to the audience: "I'm not stupid!".

It took a whole minute for the uproar of laughter to settle.


Stand by your man

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I was laid off, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."


EU Standard english: Simplifying the English Language

EU Standard English

The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other contender.

Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump for joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k", which should klear up some konfusion and allow one key less on keyboards.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f", making words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e" is disgrasful.

By the fourth yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and everivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI COM TRU !



You've red some of the best stan jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about stan. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty stan gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

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