Stan Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

For anyone attending Stan Lee's funeral...

Make sure you stay after the ceremony is finished.

I like to stand in the corner of my psychiatrist's waiting room and blow on anyone who walks by...

Most people hate it, but I'm a fan...

So I'm standing at the bus stop, eating a sandwich…

And there's an old lady there with a little chihuahua.
It's constantly jumping at my leg, begging for some sandwich.
I ask the lady,
" Do you mind if I throw your dog a bit?"
" Why no, go ahead", she says, sweetly.
So I threw the yappy little bastard under a bus.

I can't stand abortions

I'm ok with killing babies... but the idea of a woman making decisions just doesn't sit right with me.

So I was standing behind this girl

I was standing behind this girl at a school dance while we were waiting to get some juice. She was really pretty, so I thought I'd break the ice with a joke.

I tapped her on the shoulder and said "Hey, what's blue and smells like red paint?"

She smiled and asked, "what?"

As I was about to open my mouth, I accidentally tripped and knocked over everyone in front of me. I never got to finish the joke, but that's how I totally screwed up the punch line.

I'm not sure about my stand on the abortion issue....

On one side, I love to kill babies but on the other side, I hate to give women a choice.

I can't stand those interfering people who bang on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn"...

Fucking firemen.

Why must 8 always stand up?

If it lies down, it's forever.

I was standing in a library

And a black dude walks up to me and asked if i knew where the colored printer was. I told him "dude, it's almost 2018, use any printer you want."

Yo momma's so mean

she has no standard deviation

Sometimes I like to stand in front of a mirror and reflect.

I like to stand in the corner at parties and blow on anyone who walks by.

People hate it, but I'm a fan.

If you stand in front of a car, you get tired.

If you stand behind a car, you get exhausted.

A standard elevator can hold 1700 lbs

or 5 Tinder matches...

I can't stand being in a wheelchair.

Don't even try and tell me that joke was offensive. Atleast it wasn't a blind joke. I can't see how those are funny.

Yo mama's so mean...

She has no standard deviation.

I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business.

This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said,
"You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

Standing next to an attractive woman in the elevator.

I turned to her and asked politely if I could smell her pussy. Bristling, she snapped "NO, you can't!" Oh, I said, "It must be your feet then."

You know what I can't stand?

Having no legs.

Standing at the bar at an International Airport

when this small Chinese guy walks in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer. I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says "No, why the f*** you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick."

I can't stand everyone ridiculing me for being a cannibal...

I just get so fed up with people.

Did you know...

Did you know that if you stand in front of a mirror at 3am and shout "Bloody Mary" three times your mother will come to you and tell you to shut the fuck up?

Sometimes I stand in front of a Redbox until a long line gathers behind me..

Then I'll yell. Where's the fucking Pepsi button on this thing?

Did you hear about Marvel wanting to buy the NHL?

They want to rename the championship trophy, The Stan Lee Cup

This has been my stand-by joke since I was about 12

Two brothers want to go deer hunting but the only land nearby is owned by a grumpy farmer.


The decide to ask him if they can hunt on his property but when they pull up in the driveway neither brother wants to go knock on the door.


They play rock-paper-scissors and the older brother loses. He walks to the door and asks the farmer if they can go hunting.


The old farmer points to a nearby corral and says "See that horse? She's been mine for 20 years. She's blind and dying and I don't have the heart to put her down. If you do that for me, you boys can hunt on my land".


The older brother agrees and while walking back to the truck he thinks of a prank to play on his younger brother.


"I'll teach that lousy no-good farmer to say no!" he exclaims. "See that horse over there? Watch this!" He levels his rifle and shoots it! He hears gunshots next to him and looks at his brother.


"I got two of his cows" yells the younger brother, "lets get out of here!"

A stand-up comedian tells a joke about a newly-discovered STI that takes ten years to show symptoms.

\* Slow clap *

Stand by your man

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I was laid off, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly...

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two bestfriends, Jack and Oscar.

The three men had always done everything together.

Jack arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,

Jack said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Jack said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley .'

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Oscar in to confirm the identity of the body.

Oscar looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.

Roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Oscar said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Oscar said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'

'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'

I was standing in line at the supermarket checkout last week.

I turned around and saw a beautiful young woman who looked a little familiar. I told her that I thought I knew her, to which she replied, "Well you should remember me. You`re the father of one of my kids."

I had to stop and think, and then it hit me. "New Years Eve - 2008. That rooftop party in San Diego! Wow! We got so high together, didn`t we? That was some night, huh? I guess I should have stayed in touch."

She looked at me a little puzzled and said, "What are you talking about? I am your son`s pre-school teacher."

I can't stand Freud...

him and his motherfucking complex.

Two Elderly Couples Were Having Dinner...

...when one of the men says to the other man of the group, "Hey Stan, tell us about the college course you recently took!" Stan looks up from his dinner and says, "Oh, it was great! It was a memory class to help me to remember things better."


"Did it work?" the other guy asks.


"Sure did! I'm remembering stuff more efficiently now. It was a big improvement."


"What was the name of the school?"


Stan looks off into the distance, furrows his brows and asks, "What is the name of the flower... usually comes in a dozen...has thorns...?"


"Rose?" the other man asks.


Stan looks to his wife, "Hey Rose, what was the name of that school I went to?"

There was a stand-up comedian notorious for his
practical jokes.

So one day, during a performance, he asked that anyone from the audience come on to the stage. A blond girl walked up. He asked her, "Can you tell us a joke?". The blond girl was well aware that the comedian was trying to pull some prank. She had decided that, no matter what, she would not fall for any of his tricks. So she took the mike from him, and proudly announced to the audience: "I'm not stupid!".

It took a whole minute for the uproar of laughter to settle.

I can't stand when people don't know when to write your or you're

There so stupid

I was standing at a public urinal when a guy came in and stood next to me.

After about thirty seconds, he said, "I wish I had a cock like that!"

"Oh, really?" I smiled.

"Yeah, then my wife might leave me." he added.

"I stand corrected!"

Said the man in the orthopedic shoes.

I cant stand this politically correct society much longer. I can't even order coffee anymore.

I used to go to the store and just say "I'll take my coffee black." Now I have to say "I'll take my coffee jeniqua."

I really can't stand it when homeless guys shake their cups of money at me.

Do they really have to rub it in that they've got more cash than I do?

I was standing at the bar when a girl came up to me...

I was standing at the bar when a girl came up to me.

"Fancy buying me a drink?" She said,

"Sure," I replied. "If you let me choose."

"Okay," she grinned. "But how will you know what I want?"

"Well, it's kind of a talent," I smiled. "All I do is look a girl up and down and I know exactly what drink suits her best."

"Okay," she giggled. "You can choose for me."

So I turned to the barman and said, "Diet coke, mate."

Please stand for the telling of the official St Patrick's Day joke....

What's Irish and sits on the porch?

Patty O'Furniture

That concludes the telling of the official St Patrick's Day joke.
Thank you citizens you may continue with your lives...

I was standing drunk at the men's urinal in the pub

shaking my little man after a piss when I heard, "Stop it, Dad. You're making me dizzy."

Custer's Last Stand

At Big Horn County High School, the senior class is responsible for decorating the field for homecoming. This year, the principal decides that the theme should be "Custer's Last Stand."

So, homecoming comes around any the entire county is gathered at the stadium, watching the homecoming game. Half-time come around, and the decorating committee sets up a huge curtain that covers the entire field!

After some time, the curtain falls and the entire crowd is shocked. In the middle of the field, there is a giant pile of manure! On top of the manure, there is a halo. In a circle around the base of the manure pile, there are people dressed as Native Americans, and every one is in a different sexual position.

The principal is furious, and immediately runs up to the Senior Class president. "What the hell is this? This was supposed to be Custer's Last Stand!"

"It is! I call it Custer's last thought!"

"What?!"

"Holy shit! Look at all the fucking Indians!"

What does AH stand for in the Periodic Table?

The Element of Surprise

If BJ stands for Bad joke, then what does B+Γ­j stands for?

Complex bad joke.

Its not funny because the joke part is imaginary!

What's your stance on sex with midgets?

Mine's a deep lunge

Your Mum's so Mean

she doesn't even have a standard deviation.

American's won't stand for Russian interference..

"Only American billionaires are allowed to undermine our Democracy!"

Standing in a graveyard, Lex Luthor and his subordinate are planning Superman's demise

Lex: This is the night I bury Superman!

Henchman: You've finally figured out his weakness?

Lex: Yes, this evening, I'll lure him into this tomb and he'll be incapacitated!

Henchman: How does that work?

Lex: It's his crypt-tonight.

What comes standard with every German house?

A front porsche

I can't stand Pilates because it's too much like sex.

I sweat, muscles hurt, and then there's a woman yelling at me that I'm not doing it right.

The Stanley Cup final will feature a morally bankrupt city, that is built on corruption, greed, and deceit...

Against Las Vegas.

Stanley...

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunting camp.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over. The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, Nope, ain't Stanley .

The mortician thought this was rather strange, So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over. The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, No, it ain't Stanley.

The mortician asked, How can you tell?

Gomer said, Well, Stanley had two ass-holes.

What! He had two ass-holes? asked the mortician.

Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, there's Stanley with them two ass-holes.

Stanley Cup... Funeral?

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No," says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... but couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No," he says, "They're all at the funeral."

What's your stand on renewable energy?

I don't know about you, but I'm a Big Fan.

A programmer is having trouble with a program.....

Stan has trying to make a program that can not only understand humour, but make original jokes.

After a year of neural network testing and months of creating the perfect algorithm, he runs the program for the first time.

Unfortunately all the program comes up with is stale, unfunny jokes that would get people booed off stage.

In dismay, he opens the program to try and fix bugs but five minutes into the search and he bursts out laughing.

He sent an email to every programmer he knew; he had to inform them of his program's sentience. He ended the essay of an email with a closing note.

"Looks like the real joke is in the comments"

I can't stand those 'happy ending' massage parlors

Those places just rub me the wrong way

So I was standing in the toilet queue at my high school ball. I was wondering why there were also women waiting in the same line so I asked the guy in front of me.

"This is the punchline."

I'm going to stand outside.

So if anyone asks, I'm outstanding.

someone tried to tell stan lee this joke during his panel at comic con this week end

what do you call spiderman when he quits the daily bugal and starts working as a valet?

peter PARKER.

I can't stand Kevin Spacey and people like him.

They're all fucking immature assholes.

I was standing in line at the bank behind a woman in a sleeveless summer dress when I noticed a tattoo across her back between her shoulders.

It was words but words but I couldn't tell what it said. Suddenly she turned around and asked what the hell are you staring at. I said, "I didn't mean to upset you, I am just not good at reading people".

Custer's last stand...

A rich woman from France purchased a mansion in America. The library had a wall that seem quite plain to her, so she commissioned an artist to paint a mural. To fit her new life in America, she decided that it should be a scene from American history. But not being to fond of American culture, she thought to choose a less than pleasant example. She settled on Custer's last stand.

So she brought the artist in to discuss with him what it was that she wanted. She explained, "I want a beautiful mural depicting Custer's exact thoughts at Little Big Horn during his last stand. I will be gone back to France to finish up my move for three months. Can you have it ready for me when I return?" The artist was sure that he could and agreed.

Now after three months the woman returned from France anxious to see her mural. The artist was waiting proudly in the library. As she came into the library, her jaw dropped. "What is this?", she exclaimed! On her wall were all manner of Indians naked and half naked, engaging in every conceivable sexual act. The wall was completely full of a Native American orgy. "I demand to know what is the meaning of this! I asked for Custer's last thoughts at Little Big Horn.", she yelled again. The artist raised an eyebrow and said, "Exactly what you asked for, Custer was thinking 'Looking at all these fucking Indians.'"

He who stands with hands in pockets feels foolish

He who stands with holes in pockets feels nuts

There once was a poet named Stan...

...whose limericks never would scan.
When told this was so,
He'd reply, "yes, I know,
But you see, the thing is, I seem to have gone and gotten myself into this really rather ridiculous habit recently of always trying to cram as many completely unnecessary additional syllables into the last line as I possibly can!"

I can't stand it when homeless people shake their little cups at me

Yeah, I get it. You have more money than me, do you really have to rub it in?

My name's Stanley, but my friends call me Stan...

So no one calls me Stan

What does the S stand for in marriage?

Sex

I can't stand bodybuilders who smoke weed.

They always act so high and mighty.

I can't stand swearing during sex

Who wants to hear that kind of language especially from a child?

When standing on top of a staircase, it becomes a universal mode of transport.

Where it goes is up to you.

I can't stand Russian nesting dolls.

They're so full of themselves.

What does EA truly stand for?

Early Access because all of their games are rushed and unfinished.

What do you think Jesus's stance would be on guns?

I think he would be most strict on nail gun control.

(Credit to Taylor on PKA)

What are the funniest stan jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Stan? Well, here are the best Stan puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Stan pick up lines to share with friends.

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