stalin Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious stalin puns

Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?

Because he hated Capitalism

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50s Soviet joke

Who is your mother?

Our great Soviet country.

Who is your father?

Our dear comrade Stalin.

What's your greatest desire?

Becoming an orphan.

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Stalin should have known that Communism wouldn't work.

I mean, there were red flags everywhere.

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Old soviet joke.

Who is your mother?

Our great Soviet country.

Who is your father?

Our dear comrade Stalin.

What's your greatest desire?

Becoming an orphan.

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One day Stalin decides to go to the cinema in disguise and hear what people are really saying about him.

When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers
Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you'll be safer if you stand up.

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Ol' Russian joke

Comrade Stalin approaches a farmer and asks :

"Comrade, how many potatoes have we grown this season?"

"Enough to reach God, comrade!" Replied the farmer.

"But there is no God" said Stalin

"Ah, said the farmer, as there are no potatoes."

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A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler and Stalin.

A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler and Stalin at a table. He asks them what they were doing and was told that they were planning WW3.
Hitler says, "We are going to kill 15 million jews, and a bicycle repairman."
The man, confused asks, "Why the bicycle repairman?"
Hitler turns to Stalin and tells him, "See? I told you no one would care about the 15 million Jews!"

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Osama Bin Laden, Josef Stalin and Hitler are robbing a bank, who do the cops shoot first?

A black guy

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Stalin and Roosevelt were arguing over whose bodyguards were more loyal...

...and ordered them to jump out of the window on the fifteenth floor. Roosevelt's bodyguard flatly refused to jump, saying "I'm thinking about the future of my family." Stalin's bodyguard, however, jumped out of the window and fell to his death. Roosevelt was taken aback.

"Tell me, why did your man do that?" he asked.

Stalin lit his pipe and replied:

"He was thinking about the future of his family, too."

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A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler and Stalin...

A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler and Stalin sitting at a table. He walks up to them and asks what they are doing. Hitler says were planning WW3. The man asks what's going to happen this time. Hitler says this time were going to kill 15 million Jews and a bicycle repair man. The man asks why a bicycle repair man. Hitler turns to Stalin and says see I told you know one would care about the 15 million Jews.

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Hitler and Stalin walk together in the afterlife

... they stop next two people and Hitler tells Stalin: "Let me tell you of my plan: I am going to kill six million Jews and a mechanic.

one of the two people hear this and asks Hitler "Why kill the mechanic?"

Hitler turns to Stalin and says: "see? I told you nobody cares about the Jews"

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Stalin loses his pipe...

...he tells the KGB chairman to find Stalin's pipe.

Three days later, Stalin finds his pipe under a sofa. He calls the chairman to tell him that he can call off the search.

Upon telling him the news, the chairman said: "But that's impossible! Three people have already confessed to stealing the pipe!"

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Roosevelt, Churchill and Stalin are taking a coffee break in Yalta...

Churchill takes out a small black notebook and starts writing something down.

"Taking notes?", Roosevelt asks.

"No," Churchill says, "I heard a new political joke about myself this morning. I collect all jokes about myself. I already have over 100 in this notebook."

"How funny," Stalin says. "I collect all jokes about myself too."

"Oh, really?" Churchill says. "So how many have you got?"

"Three prison camps so far."

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Why are Russian automobiles the most unreliable?

They're always Stalin

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A farm worker greets Joseph Stalin at his potato farm

Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God, the farmer excitedly tells his leader.

But God does not exist, replies Stalin.

Exactly, says the farmer. Neither do the potatoes.

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Why was everyone in the Soviet Union so good at driving manual?

Because they were afraid of Stalin.

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Stalin should've known communism was a bad thing

There were red flags everywhere

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Her: Come over, Joseph!

Stalin: Can't, I'm sending people to gulag

Her: My parents aren't at home

Stalin: I know

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My Favorite Stalin Joke

Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes. "Who sneezed?" Silence. "First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot, and he asks again, "Who sneezed, Comrades?" No answer. "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot too. "Well, who sneezed?" At last a sobbing cry resounds in the Congress Hall, "It was me! Me!" Stalin says,

"Bless you, Comrade!"

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Russia's Three Steps to Homework

Step 1. Putin it off

Step 2. Stalin

Step 3. Russian to finish

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Did you know that Stalin had a girlfriend that cheated on him?

You know what, don't worry about it. She's out of the picture now anyway.

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Stalin met Hitler in hell

Hitler said : Next time, I'll kill 6 Million Jews and two Clowns!

Stalin : Two clowns? Why?

Hitler : See? Nobody cares about the Jews.

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Stalin appears in Putin's dream...

Stalin's ghost appears to Putin in a dream, and Putin asks for his help running the country.

Stalin says "Round up and shoot all the democrats, and then paint the inside of the Kremlin blue."

"Why blue?" Putin asks.

"Ha!" says Stalin. "I knew you wouldn't ask me about the first part."

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Why does Stalin only write in lower case?

Because he hates capitalism

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Why did the soviet plane crash?

It was stalin

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What do you call a Russian that is procrastinating

You call him Stalin

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Why could nobody in the Soviet Union drive a car?

They kept Stalin.

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Russian kids were writing an essay about their heroes....

..... The title was: "Who is your hero and why Stalin?"

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Why can you never trust a car made in the Soviet Union?

They keep Lenin to the left, and Stalin.

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Why's the leader of Russia always late?

Is trick question. If Comerad Stalin appears late, it is only because we were early. All glory to mother Russia.

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If Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, and Justin Bieber were in an elevator with me and I only had two bullets, I would...

..wonder why I didn't bring a fucking gun!

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Joseph Stalin wakes up a beautiful sunrise...

The weather is perfect and he's feeling great.

*"Good morning, Comrade sun"*, Stalin says as he stares into the sky.

*"Good morning, Comrade Stalin, Glorious leader of the Revolution"*, the sun replies.

The hours pass and it's already afternoon.

*"Good afternoon, Comrade sun"*, Stalin says.

*"Good afternoon, Comrade Stalin. Father and protector of the World's workers"*, the sun replies.

Time flies and it's already evening.

Upon viewing a dramatic sunset, Stalin says, *"Good night, Comrade sun."*

*"Bugger off you cunt! I'm in the West now"*, the sun replies.

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Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev, Brezhnev and Gorbachev are sitting together on a train...

The train breaks down. Lenin tries to rally the workers to work together and get the train running again. When that fails, Stalin lines up all the workers and shoots them. When that doesn't help, Khrushchev tries to reform the workers back to life. When that also fails, Brezhnev pulls down all the curtains in the rail car and says "let's just pretend the train is moving."

After sitting in the dark for a while, Gorbachev breaks the silence and says "Hey, any of you guys wanna pick up some McDonalds?"

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Wartime meeting

At the height of WWII on the Eastern front, a high-level meeting takes place in the Kremlin between Stalin and the marshals on the situation on their respective fronts. When the meeting ends, Zhukov is the first one to step out. As he does so, he mutters under his breath "Fucking mustachioed piece of shit." It just so happens that Stalin's secretary, Poskrebyshev hears this. So being a good servant to the cause, he reports it to his boss. To which Stalin replies, "get him back here."

Two minutes later, Zhukov is back in Stalin's office.

"Comrade Zhukov," begins Stalin, "would you please repeat what you said when you left the room?"

"I said 'fucking mustachioed piece of shit' Comrade Stalin."

"And who were you talking about?

"I was talking about Hitler, Comrade Stalin."

Stalin then turns to Poskrebyshev,

"And you, Comrade Poskrebyshev, who did *you* have in mind?

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Did you hear about the procrastinating dictator?

He was stalin.

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What are the most funny Stalin jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Stalin? Well, here are the best Stalin dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Stalin pick up lines to share with friends.

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