Stalin Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?

Because he hated Capitalism

50s Soviet joke

Who is your mother?

Our great Soviet country.

Who is your father?

Our dear comrade Stalin.

What's your greatest desire?

Becoming an orphan.

Stalin should have known that Communism wouldn't work.

I mean, there were red flags everywhere.

Old soviet joke.

Who is your mother?

Our great Soviet country.

Who is your father?

Our dear comrade Stalin.

What's your greatest desire?

Becoming an orphan.

One day Stalin decides to go to the cinema in disguise and hear what people are really saying about him.

When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers
Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you'll be safer if you stand up.

Ol' Russian joke

Comrade Stalin approaches a farmer and asks :

"Comrade, how many potatoes have we grown this season?"

"Enough to reach God, comrade!" Replied the farmer.

"But there is no God" said Stalin

"Ah, said the farmer, as there are no potatoes."

A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler and Stalin.

A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler and Stalin at a table. He asks them what they were doing and was told that they were planning WW3.
Hitler says, "We are going to kill 15 million jews, and a bicycle repairman."
The man, confused asks, "Why the bicycle repairman?"
Hitler turns to Stalin and tells him, "See? I told you no one would care about the 15 million Jews!"

Osama Bin Laden, Josef Stalin and Hitler are robbing a bank, who do the cops shoot first?

A black guy

Stalin and Roosevelt were arguing over whose bodyguards were more loyal...

...and ordered them to jump out of the window on the fifteenth floor. Roosevelt's bodyguard flatly refused to jump, saying "I'm thinking about the future of my family." Stalin's bodyguard, however, jumped out of the window and fell to his death. Roosevelt was taken aback.

"Tell me, why did your man do that?" he asked.

Stalin lit his pipe and replied:

"He was thinking about the future of his family, too."

A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler and Stalin...

A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler and Stalin sitting at a table. He walks up to them and asks what they are doing. Hitler says were planning WW3. The man asks what's going to happen this time. Hitler says this time were going to kill 15 million Jews and a bicycle repair man. The man asks why a bicycle repair man. Hitler turns to Stalin and says see I told you know one would care about the 15 million Jews.

Hitler and Stalin walk together in the afterlife

... they stop next two people and Hitler tells Stalin: "Let me tell you of my plan: I am going to kill six million Jews and a mechanic.

one of the two people hear this and asks Hitler "Why kill the mechanic?"

Hitler turns to Stalin and says: "see? I told you nobody cares about the Jews"

Stalin loses his pipe...

...he tells the KGB chairman to find Stalin's pipe.

Three days later, Stalin finds his pipe under a sofa. He calls the chairman to tell him that he can call off the search.

Upon telling him the news, the chairman said: "But that's impossible! Three people have already confessed to stealing the pipe!"

Roosevelt, Churchill and Stalin are taking a coffee break in Yalta...

Churchill takes out a small black notebook and starts writing something down.

"Taking notes?", Roosevelt asks.

"No," Churchill says, "I heard a new political joke about myself this morning. I collect all jokes about myself. I already have over 100 in this notebook."

"How funny," Stalin says. "I collect all jokes about myself too."

"Oh, really?" Churchill says. "So how many have you got?"

"Three prison camps so far."

Why are Russian automobiles the most unreliable?

They're always Stalin

A farm worker greets Joseph Stalin at his potato farm

Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God, the farmer excitedly tells his leader.

But God does not exist, replies Stalin.

Exactly, says the farmer. Neither do the potatoes.

Why was everyone in the Soviet Union so good at driving manual?

Because they were afraid of Stalin.

Stalin should've known communism was a bad thing

There were red flags everywhere

Her: Come over, Joseph!

Stalin: Can't, I'm sending people to gulag

Her: My parents aren't at home

Stalin: I know

My Favorite Stalin Joke

Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes. "Who sneezed?" Silence. "First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot, and he asks again, "Who sneezed, Comrades?" No answer. "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot too. "Well, who sneezed?" At last a sobbing cry resounds in the Congress Hall, "It was me! Me!" Stalin says,

"Bless you, Comrade!"

Russia's Three Steps to Homework

Step 1. Putin it off

Step 2. Stalin

Step 3. Russian to finish

Did you know that Stalin had a girlfriend that cheated on him?

You know what, don't worry about it. She's out of the picture now anyway.

Stalin met Hitler in hell

Hitler said : Next time, I'll kill 6 Million Jews and two Clowns!

Stalin : Two clowns? Why?

Hitler : See? Nobody cares about the Jews.

Stalin appears in Putin's dream...

Stalin's ghost appears to Putin in a dream, and Putin asks for his help running the country.

Stalin says "Round up and shoot all the democrats, and then paint the inside of the Kremlin blue."

"Why blue?" Putin asks.

"Ha!" says Stalin. "I knew you wouldn't ask me about the first part."

Why does Stalin only write in lower case?

Because he hates capitalism

Stalin approaches a farmer and asks: "Comrade, how many potatoes have we grown this season?"

"Enough to reach God, Comrade Stalin!" replied the farmer.

"But there is no God" said Stalin

"Ah," said the farmer, "as there are no potatoes."

Why did the soviet plane crash?

It was stalin

What do you call a Russian that is procrastinating

You call him Stalin

Why could nobody in the Soviet Union drive a car?

They kept Stalin.

Why can you never trust a car made in the Soviet Union?

They keep Lenin to the left, and Stalin.

Russian kids were writing an essay about their heroes....

..... The title was: "Who is your hero and why Stalin?"

Why's the leader of Russia always late?

Is trick question. If Comerad Stalin appears late, it is only because we were early. All glory to mother Russia.

If Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, and Justin Bieber were in an elevator with me and I only had two bullets, I would...

..wonder why I didn't bring a fucking gun!

Joseph Stalin wakes up a beautiful sunrise...

The weather is perfect and he's feeling great.

*"Good morning, Comrade sun"*, Stalin says as he stares into the sky.

*"Good morning, Comrade Stalin, Glorious leader of the Revolution"*, the sun replies.

The hours pass and it's already afternoon.

*"Good afternoon, Comrade sun"*, Stalin says.

*"Good afternoon, Comrade Stalin. Father and protector of the World's workers"*, the sun replies.

Time flies and it's already evening.

Upon viewing a dramatic sunset, Stalin says, *"Good night, Comrade sun."*

*"Bugger off you cunt! I'm in the West now"*, the sun replies.

Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev, Brezhnev and Gorbachev are sitting together on a train...

The train breaks down. Lenin tries to rally the workers to work together and get the train running again. When that fails, Stalin lines up all the workers and shoots them. When that doesn't help, Khrushchev tries to reform the workers back to life. When that also fails, Brezhnev pulls down all the curtains in the rail car and says "let's just pretend the train is moving."

After sitting in the dark for a while, Gorbachev breaks the silence and says "Hey, any of you guys wanna pick up some McDonalds?"

Wartime meeting

At the height of WWII on the Eastern front, a high-level meeting takes place in the Kremlin between Stalin and the marshals on the situation on their respective fronts. When the meeting ends, Zhukov is the first one to step out. As he does so, he mutters under his breath "Fucking mustachioed piece of shit." It just so happens that Stalin's secretary, Poskrebyshev hears this. So being a good servant to the cause, he reports it to his boss. To which Stalin replies, "get him back here."

Two minutes later, Zhukov is back in Stalin's office.

"Comrade Zhukov," begins Stalin, "would you please repeat what you said when you left the room?"

"I said 'fucking mustachioed piece of shit' Comrade Stalin."

"And who were you talking about?

"I was talking about Hitler, Comrade Stalin."

Stalin then turns to Poskrebyshev,

"And you, Comrade Poskrebyshev, who did *you* have in mind?

Bought a Russian car...

The salesman said it was the krem de la kremlin, but every time it's putin gear, it keeps stalin. My wife said, "Crimea river, I'm not lenin you my car!"

Did you hear about the procrastinating dictator?

He was stalin.

Why are Russians such bad pilots?

Because they're always Stalin.
Thank you, good night.

Stalin, Kruschev, and Brezhnev are riding a train when it suddenly grinds to a halt.

Stalin says, "I know what to do. We shoot the conductor, the ticket collector, and ten passengers at random. Then the train will run again."

"No, I have a better idea," says Kruchev. "We tell everyone on the train that true communism is just around the corner! Then the train will run again."

"Tovarishi, you're trying too hard," Brezhnev cuts in. "We simply close the curtains, lean back and have a vodka, and *pretend* the train is running!"

The Cold War was so anticlimactic...

I mean, most of it was just Stalin.

A Russian Joke.

Stalin is giving a speech when he hears someone sneeze. He stops mid-sentence and asks the first row, "who sneezed?"

Nobody answers.

Stalin executes the first row. Now, everyone is getting nervous.

Stalin addresses the second row. "Who sneezed?" he asks, becoming visibly upset.

Still, nobody answers. Everyone is much too scared to reply.

Stalin executes the second row.

"Who sneezed!?" Stalin booms. He is angry now.

Finally, after many moments of silence, a young and timid Russian soldier raises his hand. Stalin turns to the soldier and says,

"Bless you."

Hitler and Stalin are telling jokes to each other

"Moscow" says Stalin;

"I don't get it" answers Hitler;

"Excactly - says Stalin - you'll never get it".

Stalin and Hitler

Stalin: Hey Hitler, Wanna Hear a Joke?

Hitler: Sure Broh

Stalin: Stalingrad

Hitler: I Don't Get It

Stalin: Exactly

Interruption of the speech of Comrade Stalin

Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes.

"Who sneezed?" (Silence.)

"First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Applause.)

"Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Long, loud applause.)

"Who sneezed?" (Silence.) ...

A dejected voice in the back: "It was me" (Sobs.)

Stalin leans forward: "Bless you, comrade!"

Thanks to allrussias for glorious joke!

Why was the cold war such a long period with little fighting?

Because the Russian President was Stalin.

Stalin and Roosevelt

Stalin and Roosevelt are chatting at a meeting on the top floor of a building.

In a heated argument they decided to test their bodyguard's loyalty.

Roosevelt goes first and tells his bodyguard "Jump out the window" to which the bodyguard responds "No I cant... What about my family?"

Then Stalin goes and tells his body the same thing.

Stalin's bodyguard then goes to the window, jumps out, and dies instantly upon hitting the pavement below.

"Why did he do that" asked Roosevelt?

"Well" said Stalin "He was thinking about his family too"

Old Soviet joke. A woman runs to catch a bus.

She just makes it in time. "Thank God!" She exclaims as she gets on.

The bus driver shakes his head disapprovingly. "You know you cannot give thanks to God," he says. "You must instead give thanks to Comrade Stalin."

"And what if Comrade Stalin dies?" Asks the woman. "What should I do then?"

"Well if Comrade Stalin dies, then you can give thanks to God."

The great train of Communism grinds to a halt...

Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev are riding on the great train of communism together when it suddenly grinds to a halt.

Stalin pokes his head out of the window and shouts, "Take the engineers behind the tool sheds and have them shot, then get new engineers!" But the train still does not move.

Khrushchev has a go at it next. "Pardon the engineers, retrain them, then put them back to work!" But still the train does not move.

Finally, after hours at complete standstill, Brezhnev turns to his fuming compatriots and says, "Gentlemen, let us simply close the blinds and pretend that we are moving!"

Stalin, a secretary, and a general

It's the height of World War II. In a Kremlin briefing room, a leading Russian general has just been given direct orders from Stalin to advance on his front, presumably a suicidal command. Upon leaving, the general mutters under his breath the words "Murderous Mustache".

Stalin's secretary, who is nearby, overhears these words and dashes into the Vozhd's war office. "Comrade Stalin, Comrade Stalin! That General, do you know what he just said! He said murderous mustache!".

Stalin, incensed, calls the general back into his office. "Comrade, I've been told you just said the words "Murderous Mustache". Who were you referring to?"

"The despicable Fascist scum, Adolf Hitler. That was who I was talking about, Comrade Stalin." replies the general in a cool, collected manner.

Stalin turns to his secretary.

"And who did YOU have in mind, Comrade Secretary?"

Stalin wakes up one morning and steps onto his balcony.

He sees the sunrise.

"Good morning, Comrade Sun" says Stalin.

"Good morning, Comrade Stalin," replies the sun.

Later in the afternoon, as Stalin steps outside, he says,

"Good afternoon, Comrade Sun."

"Good afternoon, Comrade Stalin," the sun replies.

At sunset, Stalin steps out onto his balcony for a smoke,

"Good night, Comrade Sun," says Stalin. No response. "I said good night, Comrade Sun." Again, no response.

"Good night, Comrade Sun" repeats Stalin.

"Fuck you, I'm in the West now" says the sun.

Hitler, Stalin and Osama Bin Ladin are having an Argument

"Who amongst us is the most hated?" Hitler asked

Stalin said "It is I, the Soviet Union killed more people than even you, Hitler!"

Osama Bin Ladin says, "Nonsense, I have killed hundreds of thousands of people and have brought grief millions of families"

Hitler said "Why don't we hold a vote in hell and see who is the most hated of all?"

The group agreed and Hitler left to go make the vote. After counting the ballots, Hitler returns and asks:

"Who the fuck is Axel Voss!?"

Stalin is giving a speech.

And someone sneezes.

Stalin: Who sneezed?
No answer.
Stalin: First row outside.
*Gunshots*
Stalin: Who sneezed?
No answer.
Stalin: Second row outside.
*Gunshots*
Stalin: Who sneezed?
Attendee, crying: "I SNEEZED!"
Stalin: Bless you!

Why didn't Hitler drive a stick shift?

Because he hated Stalin

Stalin was giving a speech.

and in the middle of his speech, someone in the audience sneezed. Stalin abruptly stopped talking and asked who sneezed? But everyone was too terrified of the consequences to admit it. Stalin makes the first row of people stand up, and asks again, who sneezed? No on admits to being the one to cause this interruption. Stalin has the entire first row executed on the spot. He tells the second row to get on their feet and asks the same question. Again, no one is willing to admit fault or even tattle on their fellow comrade. Stalin has the second row executed. He then asks the third row to stand. Finally, a man comes forward and admits guilt. Stalin says "bless you" and continues on with his speech.

Why does Putin always take the bus to work?

His car is always Stalin

Why was WWI so short?

Because they were Russian...


Why was WWII so long?


They were Stalin...

Hitler and Stalin meet in hell...

and are standing in a massive pile of shit.How deep they are standing in it depends on how bad they were before they got into hell.Hitler already has the shit to his mouth and looks over to Stalin.
He is surprised to see that he only has the shit to his ankles and asks him why.Stalin looks over to him and says:"Let me tell you a secret. "What is it" responds Hitler. Stalin:"I am standing on a priest".

What are the funniest stalin jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Stalin? Well, here are the best Stalin puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Stalin pick up lines to share with friends.

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