stage Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious stage puns

The Pope and Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leaned towards Mr. Trump and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"

Trump replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"

So the Pope slapped him

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80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"


A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.


The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"


After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"


Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"


The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."


So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"


After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"


The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"


The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"



The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"


Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

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I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of Free Bird being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

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I don't get why people say cancer is hard to beat

I'm already on Stage 4

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Sad news....I lost my job as a stage designer,

I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.

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The king of france...[NSFW]

...The King of England and The King of Spain are having an argument over who has the biggest penis. Eventually they decide to let the people judge.
They all stand on a stage in front of the people and drop their pants one by one.

The king of France drops his and the French crowd shout "viva la france!!"

The king of Spain drops his and the Spanish crowd shout "Viva la espaΓ±a!!"

The king of England drops his, a long silence from the crowd, and then everybody shouts "God save the Queen!!!"

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What are the 3 stages of sex after marriage?

Tri-weekly

Try Weekly

and

Try Weakly

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Buzzfeed employee is diagnosed with stage 2 brain cancer

Doctor: Number 4 will blow your mind.

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I went to an Oasis gig with my sister in 1995.

When they came out onto the stage I shouted, "Go Oasis!"

Then my sister left.

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The greatest swordsman in the world.

There was a competition going on in Spain to see who the worlds greatest swordsman was. The final three competitors had been chosen and were brought on stage in front of the anticipating crowd to showcase their talent. The first swordsman stepped forward causing the crowd to hush. One of the judges proceeded to release a small black fly and let it buzz around the stage. With the flick of his wrist and faster than you can blink the fly hit the ground in two pieces. The audience bursts into applause as the swordsman steps back. Next is the second swordsmans turn and he faces the same challenge. The fly is is released and in two swift motions he cuts the fly into four pieces. The audience is even more impressed and gives the man a standing ovation. Finally the third swordsman takes the spotlight and another fly is released onto the stage. The swordsman takes one quick swish at the fly but it continues to fly around the stage. The audience is dumbstruck. Finally someone from the audience speaks up:
"sir... The fly is still alive."
"Ah, si" replies the swordsman "but he will never be a father"

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Dialogue Delivery


There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line: 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play hes practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

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At a carnival, a strongman cuts a lemon in half.

He then takes one half and squeezes it as hard as he can. He turns to the crowd and says:
"A hundred dollars for any man or woman who can squeeze a single drop of juice into this glass!"

Several men confidently walk up to the stage, but none of them manage to complete the challenge, despite their big muscles. Eventually, a tiny, frail looking gentleman walks up to the stage. The strongman laughs, but gives him a go. To everyone's surprise, the man squeezes the lemon and almost fills the entire glass.

Stunned, the strongman asks the obvious winner of the challenge how he managed that.

"Oh, that's easy." Replied the man. "I work for the IRS."

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A man auditioned for a talent show

A man auditioned for a talent show and when he walked on to the stage the judge asked him what was his talent. The man replied "I do bird impressions".The judge said "Thats not something we would be interested in". The man said "Thats ok" and flew out the window.

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Kate Upton & Kate Middleton compete in a popularity contest

Kate Upton goes first, she gets up on stage and undoes her blouse and starts shaking her tits up, down, and in all directions, the audience which consists of mostly men start cheering and going crazy, Kate Middleton then gets up on stage, sets a chair up, takes a seat and starts douching, the audience start looking away in disgust.

When the Announcement of the winner is made, its revealed that Kate Middleton was the winner, shocked Kate Upton asks how in the world did she not win, in which she learned that a Royal Flush beats 2 of a kind

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I was wrongly fired from my job as a stage designer today...

I left without making a scene.

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I dont get why people say cancer is hard to beat

I'm already on stage 4

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I dont know why people say cancer is so hard to beat.

I'm already on stage 4.

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I dont know why people say cancer is hard to beat

I'm already on stage 4

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The Pope and Hilary Clinton were on the same stage at the Yankee Stadium in front of a giant crowd...

The Pope leans towards Hilary and says, "Do you know with one wave of my hand I can make this entire crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Hilary said, " I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand...show me!"

So the Pope backhanded her off the stage. The crowd roared and cheered wildly and there was happiness through out the land.

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Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floor?

It was just a stage he was going through.

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4 stages of life

1. You believe in Santa

2. You donΒ΄t believe in Santa

3. You are Santa

4. You look like Santa

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A good catholic joke

The pope and Donald Trump are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd!

The pope leans towards Trump and says "do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in the crowd go wild with joy?. This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Trump replied "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand... show me!"

So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage! AND THE CROWD ROARED AND CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the land!

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The Pope and Hillary Clinton

The Pope and Hillary Clinton are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Hillary and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in the crowd go wild with joy? The joy will not be a momentary display , but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice."

Hillary replied, "I seriously doubt that with one little wave of your hand that is possible; show me."

His Holiness then backhanded Hillary and knocked her off the stage! The crowd roared and cheered wildly and there was happiness throughout the land.

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When Canada was first unified, they realized they needed a name for this new country, so they decided to draw letters oot of a basket to name it.

The first prime minister went up on stage and started pulling letters and announcing them to the crowd. "C, eh?"..."N, eh?"..."D, eh?"

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Scientists and spiders.

There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let everyone know he and was to host a live show to demonstrate his findings.

At the event hundreds were there more out of curiosity than anything as the details of the findings were kept secret. The man himself wandered on stage and silenced the murmurs.

'Today I will demonstrate two things. The first being that spiders can understand and respond to basic commands.'

The crowd laughed and jeered but undeterred he opened a box on his desk and a spider crawled out.
'Spider, walk left'

The spider moved to its left. The crowd was silenced.
'Spider, move right.'

The spider moved right. The crowd gasped. Forward, backward, the spider responded again and again. The crowd applauded in awe.

The scientist then removed all of the spider's legs. The crowd, confused by this, watched in silence.
'Move left'

The spider didn't move.
'Move right'

Nothing. Forward, backward, no response.
'This is to demonstrate my second finding. Once you remove a spider's legs, it goes deaf.'

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I once saw a Mexican magician

He pulled me on stage and said he would make me disappear by the count of three. I didn't believe. Without warning he started counting. "Uno...Dos..." and *Poof*. I was gone without a Tres.

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So a blonde goes to a lying competition...

The goal of the competition is to tell the most convincing, outrageous lie. The blonde thinks for days and days over what lie she is going to tell but she is never able to come up with a good one.

On the day of the competition, she walks up on stage, still lacking a good lie. She reaches for the microphone, grasping for any idea, and stares at the crowd. "hmm, let me think about this", she mutters to herself.

The crowd breaks into cheers and applause, confetti falls from the sky, and the Judge walks up to her, and gives her the first place award.


( i think this is original, it works better the way my father said it in hindi, but it I hope yall like it)

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I was booed off stage and locked out of a karaoke bar for singing Danger Zone too many times very poorly

They told me I had too many unsuccessful Loggins attempts

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There was a comedy club called "The Joke"...

...that had amazing popularity. It wasn't because of the humor the comedians on stage offered, but due to an extremely delicious fruit punch that the establishment sold. It was so popular that people would gather into a queue around the block just to try the stuff. After a while, however, people stopped coming because of the crowding, and the club went out of business. If only the Joke's punch line wasn't so long...

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I hear cancer is hard to beat

No one got past stage 4.

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Being a comedian is really bad for my anxiety

Whenever I'm on stage people keep laughing at me

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Did you hear about the actor that fell through the floor boards?

He was just going through a stage.

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This guy wants to be an actor

Even though he is quite talented, his weird name is getting on his way.

No talent hunter will give him a chance. He is very proud of his name and is not willing to change any of it: Penis Wagon Lesbian.

He will not use a stage name either.

Years go by without him getting any role. Finally he meets a talent hunter who is willing to meet him half way. Keep his name, just in a different form.

The first movie of Dick Van Dyke was a success.

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The CIA test

(My uncle told me this joke a long time ago so forgive me for messing it up if I do)

There were 3 men who were in training for the CIA, he was at the final stage of his training to become an agent.

They give the first man a gun and send him into a room. In the room he sees his wife tied to a chair. They tell him to shoot her to prove his loyalty. The man stays in the room for 5 minutes and comes out crying saying he can't do it.

The next man is sent in, He goes in for a minute and comes out saying he can't kill his wife.

The last man goes in. A gunshot is heard. The man is in there for another 5 minutes. He comes out. Covered in sweat. He looks at the agent in charge and says "The gun was full of blanks so I had to strangle that bitch"

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A spanish magician ...

A spanish magician gets on stage and says "I will disappear in 3 seconds." He counts: "Uno, Dos." And he disappeared without a tres.

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3 Stages of boobs

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions. Onions? the son asks. Yes. You see them and they make you cry. This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there? The mother smiles and says, Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree. A Christmas tree? the daughter asks. Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.

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A doctor tells his patient, "I have bad news and I have really bad news."

The patient says "Give me the really bad news first."

The doc responds, "Unfortunately, you have stage 4 cancer, and you'll be dead within a month."

The patient shakes his head, trying to take it all in. "Ok..." he says, "what's the bad news?"

"The bad news," the doctor continues, "is that you have Alzheimer's disease."

"Seriously?!" the patient exclaims. "Well, I guess it could be worse. I could be dying of cancer."

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Poetry Competition

The two finalists at the annual poetry competition were an Ivy League college graduate and a redneck. The final stage of the competition was to write a rhyming poem using the word *Timbuktu.* The college graduate stands up to the microphone and starts.

>A desert caravan astray beneath a dusk deep blue

>On a path unknown the camels walk two by two

>Men search the stars for a bearing true

>Destination Timbuktu

The crowd erupted with applause then settled back into their seats. The redneck approaches the microphone, clears his throat and begins to speak.

>Me n' Tim a huntin' went

>Met three whores in a pop up tent

>They was three and we was two

>So I buck'd one and Tim-buck'd-two





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Motivation Seminar

At a motivational seminar, three men are asked to come up to the stage. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say...... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

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THE STAGES OF SUCCESS

At age 4 success is...not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is...having friends.

At age 16 success is...having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is...having sex.

At age 35 success is...having money.

At age 50 success is...having money.

At age 60 success is...having sex.

At age 70 success is...having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is...having friends.

At age 80 success is...not peeing in your pants

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Sex with my wife is like the England World Cup squad

neither of us know why we're there or what we're doing, there's little passion or communication and we rarely even make it past the first stage.
It's often accompanied by lots of unnecessary noise, horrible dribbling and never a clean sheet.
It's always over far too quickly and when it does end we know it'll be at least another 4 years before it happens again.

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I read this morning there's a test to find out if you have early stage Alzhimer's.

And then this morning I read that there's a test to find out if you have early stage Alzhimer's.

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A Saudi prince has come forward saying that they should end the ban placed on women driving in the kingdom.

Interesting, just in time when all global tech giants are in the final stage of trials of their self-driving cars.

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Stages of man's sexuality [OC]

1. Puberty: masturbating in secrecy and shame.
2. Early adulthood: comfortable masturbation in your room and some casual sex with strangers.
3. First serious relationship: wild sex all the time.
4. First years of marriage: steady and regular sex.
5. Marriage after children: masturbating in secrecy and shame.

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So I had a colonoscopy today...

While my doctor was preparing me for the examination he said, "Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection"

"I haven't got an erection," I said.

"No, but I have." he replied.

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A pig that can speak French

A circus advertises a new act: a pig that can speak French. A trainer walks onto the stage carrying a small pig with a blue ribbon and a wooden mallet. The trainer asks, "Parlez-vous français?" and hits the pig with the mallet. The pig: "Ouiiii..."

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I went to see a stage performer that does live sacrifices of celebrities during his act

I gave him 5 stars.

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Bubble wrap

I work in the props department for a stage show company. Yesterday my boss asked me to fetch a 30-yard roll of bubble wrap from the store room. I brought it to her but her hands were full so she told me to just pop it in the corner. Took me an hour.

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A man goes to a doctor...

And the doc says, "I have some bad news and some worse news."

The man says, "OK, give me the worst news first."

The doc says, "You have stage 4 cancer throughout your brain and mouth and you aren't likely to survive more than 4 months."

The man says, "Well that's really bad, what's the other news?"

The doc says, "You have alzheimers too."

The man sits and thinks a bit and finally says, "Well, that's not so bad at least I don't have cancer."

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"Right, I've been thinking." I said to the oncologist. "I'm not keen on radiotherapy or chemotherapy. At this stage I think it would be best to just let the disease take its natural course."

My wife's eyes filled with tears, "We should've discussed this together."

"My minds made up." I insisted.

"I think your wife is right." Said the consultant. "After all, she is the one with cancer."

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When I get nervous on stage people say "imagine the audience naked"

But that just makes it harder for me.

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So a man dies and goes to heaven

While there he finds out there are different stages of heaven.
He begins on the first stage. On the first stage, there is the hottest girl he has ever seen, she is in jeans and a jumper. She looks at him and says "you can stop and have me now, or climb the ladder to success".
The man decides it can only get better, so he climbs the ladder.

On stage 2, there is another girl, even hotter than the last, but she is only in a bikini. She looks at him and says "you can stop and have me now, or climb the ladder to success".
Again, the man figures it can only get better, so he climbs the ladder.

On stage 3, there is another girl, hotter than both the other girls combined, she is butt naked. She looks at him and says "I am the second last stage, you can either stop and have me now, or climb the ladder to success".
The man can barely contain his excitement to see what the the last stage holds for him, so he climbs the ladder to the final stage.

As he arrives, he sees a big, fat, naked man standing in front of him, the naked man looks him dead in the eye and says "Hi, I'm cess"

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A joke my work buddy came up with.

A professional magician had a day off and decided to go out to the strip club. One half naked stripper went on stage and asked if anyone wanted to see a magic trick. After a positive response the stripper explained she was going to put a ping pong ball in her mouth and make it come out of her ass. The performer then proceeded to do just that. Perplexed, the magician was curious and asked her how she did it to which she replied, "Easy, strippers are empty on the inside."

Shitty I know but it's original and it made me chuckle.

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Dirty professor

A professor at a local community college is known for telling a dirty joke to start every class. Of course, the ladies in his classes don't appreciate it and a lot of them get together one weekend and decide to stage a walkout next time it happens. The professor catches wind of this plan.

Monday morning rolls around and the professor stands up in front of the class. He starts "Have you heard there's a shortage of whores in India?" The ladies stand up to walk out. "Hold on, girls" he says, "the boat's not leaving yet!"

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There was a stand-up comedian notorious for his
practical jokes.

So one day, during a performance, he asked that anyone from the audience come on to the stage. A blond girl walked up. He asked her, "Can you tell us a joke?". The blond girl was well aware that the comedian was trying to pull some prank. She had decided that, no matter what, she would not fall for any of his tricks. So she took the mike from him, and proudly announced to the audience: "I'm not stupid!".

It took a whole minute for the uproar of laughter to settle.

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A man has a talking dog

A man takes his talking dog to a talent show to showcase its talent.
They come on stage and the man says to the dog 'What do you find on trees?' and the dog replies 'Bark, bark'. The crowd boos.

The man says to the dog 'what do you find on top of a house?' and the dog replies 'roof, roof'. By this time the jeering intensifies and the crowd start throwing stuff on stage so embarrassed the pair return home.

In the car on the way home the dog turns to the man and says, 'Do you think I should have said chimney?'

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It was the finals of a poetry competition

The finalists: An English Professor and A Redneck. The judge says, Here is your task. Write a 4 line poem that ends with the word Timbuktu

The English prof goes first on stage. His poem:


Slowly across the desert sand

Ran a dusty caravan

Men in camels, two by two,

Destination: Timbuktu.

The crowd bursts into applause. Not to be deterred, the Redneck gets up and says,

Tim and I a-hunting went,

Met three whores in a pick-up tent,

They were three, and we were two,

So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

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The three stages of sex in marriage

tri-weekly; try-weekly; try-weakly

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Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton are on the same stage

Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

Bernie leans towards Hillary and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand, i can make this crowd go absolutely wild with joy? The will not just be a momentary joy, this joy will be huge and they will forever speak of this day as the day that we made America work for everyone!"

Hillary replied, "I seriously doubt that! with one little wave of your hand ... show me!"

So Bernie Sanders backhand slapped her and THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY.

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Last night on stage at the strip club ...

...was the ugliest woman I've ever seen. She danced up to me and said "Hey handsome, what would you like me to take off first?"

"My glasses" I said

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The Five Stages of Sex

1st is Smurf sex. This is where you do it until you're both blue in
the face.

2nd is kitchen sex. This is the honeymoon phase where you do it in
every room of the house, including the kitchen.

3rd is bedroom sex. This is after you've been married for a while,
maybe have a couple of kids, so you do it in the bedroom.

4th is hallway sex. This is where you pass one another in the hallway
and say, "Screw you".

The final stage is courtroom sex. This is where you go to court and
your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.

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Some friends go to a bar...

When they enter they see a small stage with a donkey standing on top of it. One man asks the bar owner:

"Why is there a donkey on your stage?" The Bar owner replies, "I'm willing to give any man $200 to make that donkey laugh"

The man thinks for a second, goes to the stage and whispers into the donkey's ear. Instantly the donkey bursts into laughter, and laughs all night long even after the friends leave.

A week later the friends come back to the bar and the donkey is still laughing uncontrollably. The bar owner runs up and asks:

"Hey buddy, what the hell did you say to that donkey? He is still laughing. I'll tell you what, you can have $200 dollars to make him cry."

The man walks on stage, takes the donkey behind the stage and when he brings the donkey back, the donkey is bawling. Crying like never before. The bar owner gives up $200 and asks: "You've got to tell how you made him laugh." The man says, "Well I told him I have a bigger penis than him." The bar owner replies, "Fair enough, how'd you make him cry?"

The man then says: "I proved it."

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The Pope and Hillary Clinton are standing on the stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd...

The Pope leans in toward Hillary and says "Do you know that with one wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?" This joy will not be fleeting or momentary, in fact it will go deep into their hearts and they will forever remember this day and rejoice.

Hillary replies "I seriously doubt that! With one wave of your hand?..Show me!"

The Pope then backhands her right off the stage and the crowd goes wild.

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Some musician jokes

Q. Why don't violinists play hide and seek?

A. No one would look for them.

Q. How can you tell if a stage is level?

A. Drool is coming out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.

Q. What is the definition of perfect pitch?

A. Tossing an accordion into a dumpster without hitting the sides.


Q. How do you get two guitarists to play in unison?

A. Shoot one.

Q. How can you tell if a cello is out of tune?

A. The bow is moving.

Q. Why are musician jokes so short?

A. So the bassist can understand them.

Q. If a conductor and a watermelon are both dropped from a 24 story building, what hits the ground first?

A. Who cares?

Q. How can you keep your violin from being stolen?

A. Keep it in the violin case.

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What is the first stage of grief for an Egyptian?

Denile.

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I don't know why people say cancer is so difficult.

I'm already on stage 4

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Did ABC purposefully mix up the Best Picture announcement in an effort to drive ratings?

After some careful research I've found nearly everybody on that stage to be a paid actor!

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Pope Trumps

The Pope and Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leaned towards Trump and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!."

Trump replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"

So the Pope slapped him!

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I was at this party the other day...

...and one of my buddies decided to have me do a magic trick to "liven up the crowd."

So I took a brand new deck of cards and asked for a single, female volunteer. I found the hottest one in the room and got her on the coffee table "stage," asked her if we knew each other in real life, if the deck was new, yatta yatta yatta.

She said yes and I opened the deck and a sharpie marker.

"Write your name on whatever card you pick," I said, and paused as she wrote it down, "And your phone number. I promise this is leading somewhere." Another pause, and she agrees.

Taking the card from her, I held it up in the air and said "Ladies and gentlemen, I just got the number of the hottest girl in the room. MAGIC."

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Just some jokes about musicians.

How do you know the stage at a concert is level?
Drool is coming out of both sides of the drummers mouth.

What do you call a drummer with no girlfriend?
Homeless.

What do floutists eat for breakfast?
Flute loops.

How do you tune three oboeists?
Shoot 2 of them.

How many flute players does it take to change a light bulb?
One, they stand on the ladder holding the bulb in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them.

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I lost my job as a stage designer.

I left without making a scene.

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You guys hear that Bono fell off the stage at the big U2 concert last night?

He got a little too close to the edge.

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Interview with a stage magician

* So, what do you do?
* I saw women in half.
* Do you have any family?
* Four half sisters.

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A blind man walks into a bar and asks, "You all wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The female bartender responds, "Let me stop you right there. I'm a blonde. The big bouncer at the door is a blonde. There's a biker chick sitting next to you, who is also a blonde. The singer on the stage, the manager of the bar, and two of the people at the table behind you are all blondes. Now think, do you REALLY want to tell that joke here?
"Nah," the man sighs, "not if I'm gonna have to explain it 7 times."

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Hand of Deliverance

The Pope and Trump are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leans towards Trump and said, "do you know that with one little wave of my hand i can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy, this joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice". Trump replied, "I seriously doubt that!, with one little wave of your hand....show me!" So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage! And the crowed roared and cheered wildly.

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Beethoven is on the stage at a concert

"You wanna' hear a symphony?"

"Yeaaah"

"I can't hear you!"

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The struggling actor...

finally gets a call for a small part in a play.
The director says, "your line is: "Hark, is that a cannon I hear?"
So the excited actor practices off stage many ways to say the line until he thinks he has it just right. When his time comes, the director taps him on the shoulder and says, "you're on."
Out struts the actor in full costume and suddenly there is a loud boom.
He shouts: "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT????!!!!!"

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I just saw a stage show about puns...

It was a play on words.

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Blonde Loyalty Test

I don't remember exactly how the joke was worded... maybe you guys can help me out if it doesn't come across well...

A blonde was completing spy training and for the final stage, the proctors had to test her loyalty to the agency. So, they tied a stranger to a chair, gave her a gun, and said "with no background on who this man is, or what he has done, you have to trust us that he needs to be killed." Then they left the room and immediately heard a gun shot, followed by some struggling. After a few minutes, she exited the room and the proctors said congratulations. She replied, "Thanks, but why would you give me a gun with a blank? I had to do it with my bare hands."

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Last week a young boy saved a priests life in the United States...

... he discovered the priest had early stage testicular cancer...

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The four stages of life:

1. You believe in Santa
2. You don't believe in Santa
3. You dress up like Santa
4. You look like Santa

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Three men from the same country enter a competition to see who has the most children.

As they enter the stadium, the enormous crowd starts cheering in excitement. The first man comes up, and his family of 20 accompanies him on stage. The second man comes up, revealing his enormous family of 60 members. The third man comes up on the stage, but nobody comes up with him. The crowd then starts chanting:

DADDY! DADDY! DADDY...

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So, there's a Mexican Magician

A Mexican Magician stands up on stage in front of a kids birthday party. He looks at the kids with a smile and says, "Okay kids, on the count of three, I'm gonna disappear." He holds up his fingers and starts counting "Uno, Dos..." and then he disappeared without a tres.

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I love using our theatre's trapdoor...

...it's just a stage I'm going through.

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Just thought of this

So I was at a hippy music festival and after the show I met a few bands back stage. I saw a bassist sitting in the corner by himself so I sat next to him and asked.

"Hey man, my name is Mark. Whats your name, what you been up to?"

"Benjamin"


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How can you tell when the stage is level?

The drummer is drooling equally from both sides of his mouth.

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I once saw an incredible disappearing Mexican magician...he would come on stage and say, "Uno, Dos..." And poof!

He was gone without a Tres

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My friend told me "the first stage is grief"

"Isn't it denial?" I replied.

"No, not for me"

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Why did the overweight actor fall through the theater floor?

It was just a stage he was going through

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The actress who played the lead role in the local theatre production of Anne Frank's Diary was so bad

That the scene where the Nazis entered the stage and said "where is she" the audience shouted "she's in the attic".

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On stage, a magician is about to disappear:

"Fuck you pear, you taste like shit!"

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A programmer is having trouble with a program.....

Stan has trying to make a program that can not only understand humour, but make original jokes.

After a year of neural network testing and months of creating the perfect algorithm, he runs the program for the first time.

Unfortunately all the program comes up with is stale, unfunny jokes that would get people booed off stage.

In dismay, he opens the program to try and fix bugs but five minutes into the search and he bursts out laughing.

He sent an email to every programmer he knew; he had to inform them of his program's sentience. He ended the essay of an email with a closing note.

"Looks like the real joke is in the comments"

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Tickets for the Indiana State Philharmonic went up dramatically after they doubled the width of the stage.

You didn't think that the ISP would give out twice the band width for free did you?

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A Magician hypnotizes seven men...

A magician calls out that he needs seven volunteers from the audience.

As expected, multiple members of the audience raise their hands.

He picks out seven men from the crowd, and as expected they come up on stage, and the Magician proceeds to hypnotize all seven of the men.

He motions to speak into the microphone once more, but the chord gets snagged on one of the guy's shoes and ultimately drops onto the magician's foot.

In pain, he cries out "Fuck me!".

What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my days.

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2016 ends with Mariah Carey dying

On the stage.

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How does a band know if the stage is level?

When drool is coming out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.

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Why did the actor fall through the floor...?

It was just a stage he was going through.

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I just got arrested while on stage at a renaissance fair.

Apparently my agent was confused and they actually booked me to perform a lute act on stage.

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I don't understand why so many people claim that cancer is 'hard to beat'

I'm already on stage 4.

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ORAL SEX

At this stage of our marriage, me and the wife only practice oral sex. Whenever we pass each other, we both say , 'fuck you.'

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Motivational Seminar

At a motivational seminar, three men are asked to come up to the stage. They are all asked, "When you are in your coffin and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say...... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

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Dumb blonde.

One night, at a comedy club, a ventriloquist gets on stage and starts performing.

There's a blonde girl in the crowd, let's call her Jenny.

The ventriloquist is telling joke after joke and the crowd is loving it. He then segues into his blonde joke routine. Jenny sits with her drink and tolerates two, three, four jokes. After the fifth joke Jenny gets up and yells "Stop!"

The ventriloquist abruptly stops and stares into the crowd. Jenny continues "I am sick and tired of people like you ripping on blonde women, as if we are extremely stupid and useless. This stereotypes make it harder for us to be taken seriously."

The ventriloquist begins to apologize "ma'am, I'm really sorry it's j--"

"You, sir, be quiet. This is between me and that little fuck on your knee!"

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A demolition expert goes on stage during open mic night...

He proceeds to bring the house down.

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How does a tree express its feelings on a stage?

Through a mono-log

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A Comedian Walks onto A Stage and Says...

I did a gig recently where I got booed off stage for saying that I live at home with my parents. As soon as I said it the whole audience starts shouting: Booooo! That's the last time I do a charity gig for an orphanage

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S & M

me and the wife are in the s & m stage of our marriage. she Sleeps, i Masturbate

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Mike Tyson is hosting a spelling bee

A contestant approaches the stage and Mike says, "the word is dictate"

The contestant thinks for a second, clearly pondering the spelling of the word. "Dictate... Mike, could you please use that in a sentence?"

Mike smoothly replies, "Well of course. When I was in prison, Maurice told me that my dictate good"

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Louis CK returned to the stage last night with a 15 minute set at the Comedy Store in New York.

He needed the exposure.

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I find it impressive that at this stage in my life I don't need glasses

I just drink straight from the bottle

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Inventors

Tesla, Ford, and Edison were all standing on a stage, presenting their latest findings.

Tesla strolled forward and announced that he had invented a brand new way to transmit energy through the air! The crowd clapped politely.

Ford was next, and pulled the cover off a large engine. He had discovered a way to create horse less carriages! The crowd gasped and clapped louder.

Edison took two steps to the left and threw up his arms to announce that he had invented a revolutionary new way to send electricity through the very air! The crowd went wild.

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For a while Houdini used trap doors in every act

It was a stage he was going through

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What are the 4 stages of life?

1) First you believe in Santa.
2) Then, you don't believe in Santa.
3) Then you act like Santa.
4) And then you look like Santa.

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The stagecoach

Let me translate another surrealistic Russian joke.

A man is with a mistress. She says, "Let's do the stagecoach." "What's that?" "What? You don't know, what's a stagecoach? What are you doing with a mistress? Go ask your wife, maybe she'll tell you."

The man goes to his wife. "Honey, what's a stagecoach?" "What? You don't know, what's a stagecoach? How could I have married you? Go ask your grandmother, maybe she'll tell you."

The man goes to his grandmother. "Grandma, what's a stagecoach?" The grandmother says, "Ah, stagecoach, stagecoach..." and dies.

I have a personal sequel for this joke. In 1995 I was a newly hired developer working at Microsoft Office. I subscribed to the mailing list "Humor at Microsoft", translated and sent this joke there. The word "stagecoach" did not seem exotic enough for me at the time, so I substituted "aardvark". Somebody replied to the list asking, "What is an aardvark?" Somebody else replied, "What? You don't know, what's an aardvark? Go ask your manager, maybe he'll tell you."

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I recently did a gig where I got booed off stage.

I recently did a gig where I got booed off stage for saying that I live at home with my parents. As soon as I said it the whole audience went: Booooo! That's the last time I do a charity gig for an orphanage.


-Nathen Canton

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My summer job

So last year I had a job masturbating on webcams for money. My stage name was The Helpful Tool because I always came in handy.

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Alzheimer's

An older woman was awaiting the results of a medical exam when her doctor informed her of some upsetting news. "I'm afraid you've got stage 4 cancer."
"Oh my god!" she shrieked.
"That's not all. To make matters worse, you have been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease." he said.
She took a moment to process the news. After a few moments passed, relieved, she says "Well thank god I don't have cancer."

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Fart contest

There was a farting contest in town.

The first contestant came in front of the microphone and played *Twinkle twinkle little star*. Applauses followed as he went down the stage.

Next, the second one played *When the saints come Marching in*. Everybody stood up to applaud this time.

The third one, came up the stage with a serious look in his face. But instead of a song, he said "To be honest, I wasn't expecting this level of expertise and preparation from my adversaries. I don't feel like I'm at the same level than those guys, so I'm going to retire from the contest. Thank you very much."

After those words, he got the microphone out of his ass and left the stage.

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TIL Nickleback, tired and at their last show across Europe (in Portugal), had roadies throw things at them from within the audience during the show. The lead singer used it as an excuse to walk off stage, thus getting them out of having to perform.

Just kidding. It was their fans throwing shit at them because everyone hates Nickleback even their fans.

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How do roadies know when they've got a stage level?

The drummer drools evenly out of both sides of his mouth

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Don't call yourself a Chainsmokers fan...

..unless you have stage 4 lung cancer.

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Need some help with a light bulb joke!

I am taking a stage lighting course and I need to provide my favorite light bulb joke on my first worksheet. Only problem is that I dont have one. So I figured I'd ask around for any good ones!

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Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?

He was just going through a stage.

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My mum's reached the stage of her life where all she does is tell me about people that have died. "you know Doreen? She's just died. You know Margery? She's just died."

I said to her "mum, get off the roof and give me the gun"

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How to make your dreams come true?

Have a Stage 4 Cancer

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The 4 stages of life:

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I've never been booed off stage.

I've never been booed off stage! Sure, I've been booed on stage plenty of times... but never off stage.

In honor of Mitch Hedberg. RIP.

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A comedian walks to the stage

Comedian: let's do a white racist joke
Us whites like the same things

We like the same sandwich: peanut butter and-

Audience: JELLY!

Comedian: we like the same chips.

Salt and vi-

Audience: NEGAR

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A man was diagnosed with cancer.

Man: "Wow, Doc, how bad is it?"

Doctor: "Well, you're at the extreme end of stage 4 pancreatic cancer. You've only got about 3 months to live."

Man: "Oh no! Is there anything I can do?"

Doctor: "Well, I'd suggest moving to Arkansas and becoming a pig farmer."

Man: "Really? That would cure my cancer?"

Doctor: "Oh no, of course not. But it will be the longest three months of your life."

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The three stages of writing a paper:

1. putin it off

2. stalin

3. russian to finish

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My friend told me he suffered from stage fright.

I told him he should try imagining his audience naked. He seemed really eager to try that, thanked me and left.

A few minutes later, I realized he ran a puppet show for children.

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England will in fact attend the World Cup.

They have, however, agreed to not go past the group stage.

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What is a great gift for a struggling rock band?

Stage presents.

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Justin Beiber fell off stage last night at a concert in Canada.

He suffered only minor injuries according to his gynecologist.

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I'm a DJ at a local nightclub. The crowds are great, every night you can hear them chanting my name.

I'm DJ Get the Hell off the Stage

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Why did Houdini start using trap doors in his routine?

It was just a stage he was going through.

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Young Dave just learnt the alphabets

He had an amplified stage fear, he was too afraid to even talk to more than 10 people at a time


The teacher says "Dave, write all the alphabets on the board"


Dave nervously replies" no ma'am, I don't think I know them all"


Teacher says" come here and give it a try!'


Dave complies and writes on the black board
"A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z"


The teacher notices the mistake and asks" Where is the P Dave? "


"Running down my leg"

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I got it all figured out. I will be a male stripper in Antarctica

My stage name? South Pole.

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A group of actors performed an on stage reading of the Oxford dictionary.

The audience wasn't too enthralled with a play on words.

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[Offensive] One from the pub again: an old Jewish man wins the lottery...

It's a big old lottery, and he has to go up on stage to accept it.

His speech? He thanks his mum, his dad, his family, and then Hitler.

Everyone's all riled up. They ask: why Hitler?

He rolls up his sleeve, flips his arm over, and tells the crowd: "Well, he gave me the numbers."

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Mexican Magician

There was a Mexican Magician standing on the stage. He said, "On the count of three, I will make myself disappear!"



"Uno!"



"Dos!"



POOF! He disappeared without a trΓ©s!

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Samsung left the stage with one final note

It made social media blow up.

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Why did Bono fall off the stage ?

He got too close to the Edge

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I tried a stand-up routine where I shit myself on stage

But people didn't appreciate my self-defecating humour

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Who has the most children

There was a contest held to determine which race can produce the most amount of children in their lifetime. The 3 finalists were India, China and The Philippines.

The judges called the first contestant to the stage. Mr. India proudly announced " I have a very big family! I have 100 kids!!!". The judges were amazed and the crowd applauded.

The judges then called the 2nd contestant, Mr. China. He then sneered at Mr. India and loudly said "Only 100? I have 1000 children!!!". The crowd went wild. The judges couldn't believe that it was even possible.

The 3rd contestant was called. "Mr. Philippines, please come up to the stage. He was sweating. Shows on his actions that he was very nervous. On his was up to the stage, as soon as the crowd sees him, they went wild. They crowd cheered. Everyone on was rooting for him. The judges were amazed as they hear the crowd chant "DADDY DADDY DADDY!!!"

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Magicians . Z z z

I watched a Spanish magician's act the other day. he was pretty good throughout but the finale was stunning. he stood in the middle of the stage, waved his arms, counted out "uno, dos..." and then vanished without a tres.

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What is the first stage of grief for an Egyptian?

De\-nile

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I was already on stage when I realized Take On Me was a bad karaoke song for me to sing...

It was a real Aha moment.

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So I was at the strip club the other day, and the dancer comes over, takes my glasses, and goes back to dancing on stage.

No big deal. She then comes back, puts my glasses on me, and requests that I tip her. I refused, she asked why, and I told her "You stole my glasses, I couldn't see anything".

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Blonde Execution

Three women are getting executed by firing squad for committing a crime. One is a brunette, one is a redhead, and one is blonde. First the brunette is brought up onto the stage, with the squad assembled in front of her. She is asked for her last words, and she points behind the crowd and yells, "Tornado!" Everybody turns to look, and the brunette escapes.
The next day, the redhead is brought up onto the stage to be executed, with the same setup. When asked for her last words, she yells, "Lightning!" Everybody turns to look, and the redhead escapes.
The day after that, the blonde is brought up onto the stage. She is asked for her last words, and the blonde looks behind the firing squad, and yells, "Fire!

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Heard this Russian joke somewhere, thought I'd share.

A group of Russians decided to hold a little contest among themselves. It had three stages:

**1.** Who can drink the most vodka?
**2.** Who can say the dirtiest word?
**3.** Who can punch the hardest?

Stage 1 was won by Vasya Ivanovich, who drank *all* the vodka.
Stage 2 was won by Pyotr Vasilyevich, who arrived late only to find out there's no more vodka.
Stage 3 was won, once again, by Pyotr Vasilyevich, when he was told that it was Vasya Ivanovich who drank all the vodka.

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What are the best Stage puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Stage? Well, here are the best jokes about Stage to have fun with.

Joko Jokes