Stab Jokes
108 stab jokes and hilarious stab puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about stab that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Stab Short Jokes
Short stab jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The stab humour may include short stub jokes also.
- Studies say most stabbings are committed by someone close to the victim. Within arm's length, to be specific.
- First day on the job as a drugdealer *giggles*
"We don't have coke, is Pepsi ok?
*gets stabbed* - Well, OJ has been paroled. The spokesperson for the parole board that granted him his new freedom said they "decided to give him another stab at it."
- *mugger pulls a knife* Mugger: gimme your money
Me: well this night took a SHARP turn
*later*
Doctor: it's a record for amount of stabs - So did y'all hear oj simpson is going to get remarried? He's gonna take another stab at it.
- Did you hear about the Mexican that got stabbed on a golf course? I guess someone made a hole in Juan.
- Did you hear about the woman who was robbed by an unemployed acupuncturist? She was stabbed more than 167 times but she felt awesome the next day.
- What's the difference between a man with multiple stab wounds and a knife juggler? Practice.
- Apparently OJ Simpson is interested in dating again. He's ready to have another stab at a relationship.
- Did you hear about the serial killer who was coming out of retirement? He's taking another stab at it.
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Stab One Liners
Which stab one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with stab? I can suggest the ones about stag and raid.
- A judge asked a wife why she stabbed her husband 75 times. She said her arm got tired.
- Apparently someone in London gets stabbed every 90 seconds. Poor guy.
- I've always stood up for black people... It's not worth getting stabbed over a seat
- I just read that someone gets stabbed in New York City every 46 seconds. Poor guy.
- What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Getting stabbed.
- Any salad can be a Caesar salad. If you stab it enough.
- What did the debater say after getting stabbed during an argument? Good point
- Last night, a guy tried to stab me with a butter knife He said i was toast.
- Did you know that if you stab a salad 23 times, It becomes a Caesar Salad
- Why does the river Thames run through London? If it walked, it'd get stabbed.
- I can't think of a good knife pun. Anybody want to take a stab at it?
- Someone is stabbed twice a day in my city Nobody helps the poor guy .
- Why does the river Clyde run through Glasgow? If it walked, it would get stabbed
- How do you turn a garden salad into a caesar salad? Stab it a bunch of times.
- TIL that someone in the UK gets stabbed every 52 seconds Poor guy.
Stab Jokes to Giggle and Enjoy A Night of Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about stab you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean knife jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make stab pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In The Military a janitor wanted to go out to the battlefield...
When the soldiers were getting ready for a battle the janitor told the general that he wanted to fight. The general gave him a broom and said "point this at the enemies and say 'bangity bang bang' and when they get close say 'stabbity stab stab'" "ok" the janitor replied. Once the janitor got out on the battlefield he aimed his broom and said "bangity bang bang" to his surprise the enemy dropped dead. Amazed, the janitor bagan repeating the words "bangity bang bang! Stabbity stab stab!" he repeated this until there was only one person left on the field. no matter how many times he said "bangity bang bang" and "stabbity stab stab" nothing worked. The last man pushed the janitor to the ground and said "tankity tank tank"
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Fun Super Bowl Game:
Every time they show Ray Lewis on the screen, stab someone in your party and then deny it was you.
So I went to a stable for a self confidence boost
I found myself surrounded by a bunch of neigh-sayers.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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I stabbed my friend with a match once...
I felt bad.
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Knifes
Last night someone cut my power so I took out my knife and badly injured them.
I guess you could say I was taking a stab in the dark.
I'll be here all night
Stable bulls
One for the old folks...
Along the coast in California, there is a large dairy herds that graze the hillsides. The sun and the rain produce wonderful pastureland. The best eating was at the tops of the hills, but when the ocean breezes turn to gales, the cows are often blown right off their feet. So mostly, they huddled in the valleys, picking over what they could find.
The bulls on the other hand, enjoyed the tender shoots at the top of the hills. The wind, and even the occasional tremor seem to have no affect on them. This caused not just a little muttering and consternation among the cows.
One particularly windy day, the bravest (and hungriest) of the females struggled to the top of the hill to talk to the bulls. She fell over twice on the way up, but she was determined to find out their secret. "How do you guys stand up here?" she asked.
Looking up from a particularly sweet patch of clover, the oldest one said "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."
If you stab someone with a paint-brush, do you become a martial artist?
Not sure if it's original but I thought it up 3 years ago work and I randomly remembered it.
So evidently the kid who stabbed all the people at his highschool today was always told he would be famous.
He felt like today was the day to take a stab at it.
Why do Lannisters hate turtles?
Cause they can't stab them in the back
What celebrity is most likely to stab you?
James Blunt
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They just found a Black guy hanging from a tree with 79 stab wounds in Alabama....
The police say it's the worst case of s**... they've ever seen
Anyone want to take a few stabs at Caesar puns?
Sorry... Meta-humor is Greek to me.
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if I'm ever trying to m**... someone...
If I'm ever trying to m**... someone and they're getting away, I'm just gonna yell "WAIT! YOU'RE ON SCARE TACTICS!"
and as they come back laughing I'll stab them 47 times in the chest.
What do you tell a woman that has 37 stab wounds?
Nothing, you already told her 37 times.
Friends are like balloons...
If you stab them, they die
Why did the cannibal stab the chef with a toothpick?
To see if he was done cooking.
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Best lines when dealing with telemarketers
Some of the better ones
* City Morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em
* Mario's Pizzaria and Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce, may I take your order?
* Roadkill Cafe, you kill it, we grill it
* Mort's Mortuary, you slice 'em, we ice 'em
* Bob's Back Alley Abortion Parlour, you r**... 'em, we scrape 'em, no fetus can beat us
Anyone have more?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call it when you stab a vampire in the lungs?
A miss stake
Guy joins the Army...
... but they are out of bayonets and ammo. They tell him to run into battle yelling "Bangitty bangitty bang!!! "Stabbity stabbity stab!"
Much to his surprise, enemy soldiers are dropping all around him.
Then, this really big enemy comes over the hill. The guy yells, "Bangitty bangitty bang!!! "Stabbity stabbity stab!", but the enemy keeps advancing and mows him down. As the enemy walks over him, he hears him shout, "Tankitty tankitty tank!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A black guy and a white girl hookup at a club...
And after a while of dancing and drinks both were getting eager to get under the sheets. They drive back to the girls place and just as the guy was taking out his package, the girl asked "is it true about what they say about black guys?" And he whispered in her ear "you bet it is", he then continued to stab her 5 times and steal her purse.
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With the ides of March around the corner
Remember to stab your salad 23 times
In an interview Barbara Walters asks OJ Simpson if he thinks he will ever be married again...
He says, "I don't know... One of these days, I might take another stab at it."
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A black man meets a white girl in a club.
They go back to the girls house and start making out. The girl says seductively "show me that its true what they say about Black Guys". The man then precedes to stab the girl take her purse and run off faster then the wind.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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What do you get when you stab scissors into a 4 year old?
... an e**....
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If Dr. Seuss were a convict (poem)
What's this in my hand?
Behind your back?
It's soap on a a rope!
Whack whack whack!
What's this in my sock?
Tick tock, knock knock.
A large steel lock!
Chock chock chock!
What's this in my breeches?
I heard that you blab..
Snitches get stitches!
Stab stab stab!!
Three burglars break into a building and are confronted by a soldier, a cop, and a politician.
The politician tells the soldier to kill Burglar #1, and the two stab each other to death.
The politician then tells the cop to arrest Burglar #2, and the two beat each other unconscious.
The politician then walks up to Burglar #3 and says "I just saved your life, your freedom, and tripled your share of the loot. I think 20% is a fair cut."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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What do you get when you stab a baby with a knife?
An e**... and a place to put it.
I heard OJ Simpson was getting married again.
He's gonna take another stab at it.
How do you make holy water
You stab it with a knife over and over
Studies show people who carry tactical knives with flashlights are less confident guessers.
They never take a stab in the dark.
I stabbed a man in the heart.
Police charged me with a myocardial infraction.
Most people don't enjoy puns. Wordplay almost feels like an emotional knife stab to them. But at least they appreciate my humour when I get home
It just goes to show you, the only good pun is a dad pun
What's black and white and red all over?
A white person wearing blackface with multiple stab wounds.
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Sheriffs discover a dead black man in the woods...
... with 75 stab wounds and 36 gunshots to the chest. Sheriffs report it as the worst s**... they've ever seen.
Friends are like penguins
If you stab a penguin they die
A wise word of advice from my late grandfather. "When people say fight the power"
"They don't mean stab the power outlets"
People are losing the spirit of the Ides of March.
It's not just about stabbing; it's about coming together as a group to stab.
Tried to stab a guy with a pencil once
But it wasn't 2B.
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Quote from man stabbed
"What are you gonna do, stab me?"
I got stabbed in the eye with a safety pin.
I still don't see the irony.
What's up with all these OJ Simpson jokes?
Everyone seems to be taking a stab at them.
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I stabbed my pet frog with a knife
He croaked
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Any salad is a Caeser Salad if you stab it enough times
It's also more healthy if you've Et tu
What's the most stable profession?
Homelessness
Why can't blonds ever stab someone in their sleep?
Because *sleep* isn't a body part.
Would any lightsaber wielders accidentally stab themselves?
I guess not.
What's more memorable than a passionate kiss?
A stab wound
Why did Judas carve the turkey?
[Because he likes to stab things in the back](#s)
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What leaves a more lasting reminder than a good first impression?
Multiple stab wounds...
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How do you make a ceaser salad from a regular salad?
Stab it 23 times.
Why did they stab Julius Caesar?
Nobody had guns, because Rome had much better gun control laws.
Do you want a stable friendship?
Get a horse.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy was found dead with ten stab wounds in his stomach.
Somebody really hated his guts.
I might not be a surgeon
but I'll take a stab at it.
What do you call the aspect of pasta that allows it to stab you?
The penne trait
Why did the porcupine stab the petshop owner
He rubbed him the wrong way
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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A German sausage was found dead this morning with 27 stab wounds covering its body
Police say it is the wurst m**... they've ever seen
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What happens when you ask an Asian if you can stab him?
No shanks.
Where does Raphael go to get drunk and stab people?
The Sai'd bar.
Got stabbed last night
it wasnt that kind of stabbing.
I got stabbed by my friends at lunch today
Guess I shouldn't have ordered the Caesar salad
They say that fake friends stab you in the back and that true firends stab you in the front
But my gay friends stabbed me in the back.
What is it called when you stab a milkshake?
Shakespeare
(credit to my brother)
Why did the senator ask for a knife for his salad?
Because he wanted to stab his Caesars.
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Take a woman you're interested in to a Haunted House. If she screams while people chase her with fake knives...
She'll probably scream when you try to actually stab her
What do you call a head of lettuce when you stab it repeatedly?
A Caesar salad
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How do you make a Caesar salad?
You need to make a normal salad then stab it with a salad fork 23 times.
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How can you stop a baby from crouching clockwards?
You stab it's other arm as well
An amateur comedian gets stabbed by another experienced comic, Police arrest the experienced comic and in his testimonial, he had written
Well, he took a stab at humor first!
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How do you make any salad into a caesar salad?
Stab it 23 times.
My stable broke because I rushed when I was building it.
Guess I should hold my horses.
