st patricks day Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious st patricks day puns

What's green and sits on the porch?

Paddy O'Furniture.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!


What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime?

Paddy O'Furniture!

(Happy St. Patrick's Day)


St. Patrick's day vs Martin Luther King Jr. Day.

What's the difference between St. Patrick's day and Martin Luther King day?

St. Patrick's day everybody wants to be Irish.


A Joke

An Irishman, by the name of O'Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweller. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.

The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.

'It was in honour of St.Patrick's Day, ' he smiled.

'I gave you a sham rock.'


Sunday in church after St. Patrick's Day

It was a sunday after St. Patrick's day in the church of a small village in the west of Ireland. Obviously all the people were more or less hungover, which infuriated the pastor of the village.

"It's a disgrace how we celebrate our most important saint by indulging in binge drinking and other improper activities. If I could have all the wine in the world, I would throw it in the river!"

There was a wave of murmur among the churchgoers.

"If I could have all the beer in the world, I would throw it in the river as well!"

The people put their heads down in guilt, thinking about what they had done.

"If I could have all the SPIRITS in the world, I would throw them in the river with the beer and the wine!"

Now the church was completely silent.

After a short while, the musical conductor of the church spoke up, "Now let us sing hymn number 369, *'Shall We Gather at the River?'*"


I heard this story from the ambassador of Ireland in Finland.


What's the difference between Martin Luther King Jr. Day and St. Patricks Day?

Everyone want to be Irish on St. Patricks Day.


A Jewish joke my Jewish grandfather sent me.

One day at kindergarten the teacher said she would give anyone 10 dollars if they could tell her who the most famous man who ever lived.

A little Irish boy said, "It was St. Patrick!"
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry Sean, but no."

A young Scottish boy said, "It was St. Andrew!"
The teacher replied, "Sorry Hamish, but that is not correct."

Finally, a young Jewish boy named Marvin raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher replied, "Yes Marvin, that is correct! Come up here and I will give you your 10 dollars!"

As Marvin was being paid, the teacher said, 'You know, you being Jewish and all, I never thought you would say 'Jesus Christ.'"

Marvin replied, "Well, I know in my heart i knew it was Moses, but business is business."


So it was St. Patrick's Day in Ireland...

and Sheamus and Murphy were going to grab some beers. As they went out Sheamus looked at Murphy and said "Murphy it's Saint Patrick's day and we don't got fuckin' money, what are we gonna do?"
Murphy says "I got an idea meet me at the butcher shop in 10 minutes."
10 minutes goes by and they're at the butcher shop Murphy is holding a sausage link and say's "alright now when we go to a bar, after a couple drinks I'll unzip out the sausage from my pants and you'll start sucking it. The bartender will kick us out and then we don't have to pay for our drinks." Sheamus agreed.
They went to their first bar after a couple of drinks they did their gag and the bartender yells "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS DOING, THAT'S BLASPHEMY ON THIS HOLY DAY, YOU TWO GET THE HELL OUT O' HERE!"
"Sheamus that worked perfectly, let's go to another" exclaimed Murphy Sheamus agreed. They did this at two more bars and Sheamus asked "can I have the sausage now my knees are killin' me?" Murphy gave him the sausage and ended up going to five more bars until they were hammered
Murphy looked at Sheamus and said "Sheamus I don't know if I can go on any more, I'm too fuckin' drunk"
Sheamus said "Yeah good thin too I lost that sausage three bars back"


My grandpa told me this one!

One day at kindergarten, the teacher says to the class of five-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who the most famous man who ever lived was."

An Irish boy raised his hand and said, "Please, Miss, it was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry, Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "Please, Miss, it was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."

Finally, a Jewish boy, Adam, raised his hand and said, "Please, Miss, it was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Adam. Come up here, and I'll give you your $2."

As the teacher was giving Adam his money, she said, "You know, Adam, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ." "I know, Miss," Adam replied, "in my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business.


Helping The Doctor

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work to go fishing, so he approached his assistant.

"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon," says Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in!
Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."


Irish Jokes Megathread

Post all of your Irish, St. Patrick's Day, or good ol' Emerald Isle jokes for the day here! I'd like to share some with coworkers.


On St. Patrick's day, a guy in an Irish bar goes into the bathroom to take a piss.

Next to him, there's a really short guy, wearing all green, with a top hat and a pipe. He also has a huge dick.

First guy notices and says, "I'd do anything to have a dick that big."

Short guy says, "I'm a leprechaun. I'll grant you your wish, if you suck my dick."

The guy thinks about it for a minute, and being sauced, he agrees. He's kneeling down, sucking the smaller guy's dick for a few minutes, and then stops and says, "I can't believe I'm sucking a leprechaun's dick!"

The short guy replies, "I can't believe that you think I'm a leprechaun!"


What do you call two gay Irishmen?

Michael FitzPatrick and Patrick FitzMichael.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!


An Irish bar

A drunk Irishman sitting at a bar starts talking to the gentleman next to him.

'Where you from?' He asks the stranger.

'Born and raised in Dublin, Ireland." The stranger says raising his glass.

'Get the fuck out of here, I was born and raised in Dublin also!" The man cries in surprise. 'Where'd you go to school?'

'I graduated from Saint Mary's in 1985.'

'By the stars, I graduated in 1985 from Saint Mary's also!'

The two continue talking when a regular walks into the bar. "How are things tonight?' He asks the bartender.

Bartender shrugs and says 'All right, the McManus twins are drunk again."

*Sure it's a repost, but one of my favorite St Patrick's Day jokes!


In honor of St. Patrick's Day...

Three Irishmen walk out of a bar.


What's long and green and has an asshole at each end?

A St. Patrick's Day parade!


What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Jr. Day?

On St. Patrick's Day, everyone wishes they were Irish.


There's only one difference between Cinco de Mayo and St. Patrick's Day...

On Cinco de Mayo no one wants to pretend to be Mexican.


What's long, green, and has thousands of assholes?

A St. Patrick's Day parade.


St. Patricks day jokes!

This is for y'all to add on to, but I've got us a few starters here. Enjoy!

* So two Irish guys walk out of a bar...

* An Irishman walks into a pub and orders dozens of martinis, removing the olives, placing them in a jar, and drinking the martinis. When the jar is filled with olives and all the martinis drank, he starts to leave.
The bartender stops him and asks, Excuse me but, what was that all about?
The Irishman replies, My wife sent me out for a jar of olives.

* Sister Margaret enters O'Flynn's liquor store and orders a bottle of Irish whiskey.
O'Flynn frowns and asks, You're a nun, why would you want a bottle of Irish whiskey?
Sister Margaret says, It's for Father Reilly. He's constipated.
O'Flynn nods and puts a bottle into a bag.
Later that night, O'Flynn passes an alley and finds Sister Margaret drunk, the empty bottle at her side. O'Flynn yells, You said it was for Father Reilly's constipation!
Sister Margaret responds, It is. When he sees me, he's gonna shit!


In honour of St Patrick's day, can you guess my Irish name?

Pat MiGroin.

Yeah, my grandpa just told me that one...some visual images cannot be unseen.


What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Cinco De Mayo?

On Cinco De Mayo, not everybody pretends to be Mexican.


An Irishman, by the name of O'Malley...

... proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.

The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.

'It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day, 'he smiled. 'I gave you a sham rock.'


Happy St. Patricks Day. Where we honor a patron saint by drinking ourselves into unconsciousness.

Or as the Irish call it...breakfast.


What do leprechauns eat on St. Patricks day?

Unicorned Beef


What's two miles long and has an asshole every three feet?

The St. Patrick's Day parade.


If you don't wear green on St. Patrick's Day, you'll get pinched. If you don't wear red, white and blue on the 4th...



A German Dad Joke

So, because St. Patrick's Day is tomorrow I asked my dad (who is German) if Germans have any day like St. Patrick's Day. His said, "Yes, it's called October."


A joke for St. Patricks Day

What is long, green, and has an asshole every 3 feet?

A St. Patricks Day Parade


What's the difference between MLK day and St Patrick's day?

Nobody minds being Irish for one day!!!!


In honor of St. Patrick's day, here's my best Irishman joke.

An Irishman decides it's time for him to have his first ever drink with his son. He takes him down to the local pub and orders a pint. But his son didn't like the taste of it, so the Irishman drank it for him. Then the Irishman orders Guiness, hoping his son would like it better. But he still didn't like the taste, so the Irishman drank it for him. Distraught, the Irishman spent the rest of his money on the most elegant and expensive lager that money could buy, and gave it to his son. But alas, his son still didn't like the taste, so the Irishman drank it for him. After downing all of his and his son's beers, he was so hammered that he could barely push the stroller.


Some people say that going to bars on St. Patrick's Day and New Year's Eve is "amateur hour."

But that's just because they don't have a sponsor yet.


Remember it's St Patrick's day today, try and stand out from the crowd...

... wear all orange, it's also an Irish color


What are you wearing for St. Patrick's Day?

An Erin Go Bra.


What's long and green and has a low I.Q.? A St. Patrick's Day Parade.


What are the most funny St Patricks Day jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about St Patricks Day? Well, here are the best St Patricks Day dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and St Patricks Day pick up lines to share with friends.

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