Squirrel Jokes
123 squirrel jokes and hilarious squirrel puns to laugh out loud. Read animal jokes about squirrel that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for some funny squirrel jokes? Look no further! These jokes about everyone's favorite furry little forest creature are sure to make you laugh.
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Funniest Squirrel Short Jokes
Short squirrel jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The squirrel humour may include short rodent jokes also.
- Cigarettes are just like squirrels. They aren't dangerous until you stick one in your mouth and light it on fire.
- Squirrels are like cigarettes. They are completely harmless until you stick one in your mouth and light them on fire.
- Why did the squirrel swim in the lake on the first day of spring? It wanted to make a splash!
- Why did the squirrel join a gym on the spring equinox? It wanted to get a headstart on gathering nuts!
- Squirrels are like cigarettes The perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and set in on fire
- I just got thrown out of my local park for arranging the squirrels by height… Apparently, they didn't like my critter sizing.
- The other day I saw two squirrels making noises at each other as if they were arguing. You could say they were squarreling.
- Two cows in a field. One asks should I be worried about mad cow's disease ? Well I'm not , the other replies, ...because I'm a squirrel!
- I got kicked out of the park today for arranging the squirrels by height They didn't like my critter sizing
- How come when a video of a squirrel putting a nut in a dog gets 18k upvotes and is called "Cute" but when I do it it's a "heinous act" and my dog gets taken away?
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Squirrel One Liners
Which squirrel one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with squirrel? I can suggest the ones about raccoon and squirt.
- From my 6 yo. What do you call a squirrel that doesn't eat nuts? Hungry
- Where do squirrels go in a hurricane? All over the place!
- Why did the squirrel cross the river on his back? Too keep his nuts dry.
- A wise squirrel once said "you are what you eat". Don't believe him, he was a nut.
- Why did the squirrel judge the drag queen competition? He is an expert at hiding nuts.
- What is squirrels's least favourite month? November
- To the person who stole my adderall, Squirrel!
- Why do squirrels swim on their backs? To keep their nuts dry
- How do you catch squirrels? Climb up a tree and pretend you're nuts.
- Why did the squirrel swim on its back? so it wont get its nuts wet
- What does a squirrel like to watch on T.V.? Nutflix
- Have you heard of the new squirrel diet? It's just nuts.
- What do you call a female squirrel? A girrel.
- Why did the squirrel swim on it's back? To keep his nuts dry
- Why'd the squirrel fall out of the tree? Because it was dead.
Squirrel Nut Jokes
Here is a list of funny squirrel nut jokes and even better squirrel nut puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the difference between a squirrel and a cannibal necrophiliac? One eats nuts and berries, the other nuts, eats then buries.
- What's a squirrels favorite way to watch TV? Nut-flix!
A joke my 8 y/o daughter made up this morning. Thought it was pretty good! - You are what you eat... ...said one squirrel to another.
The other said in disbelief, "You're nuts." - Did you know? Did you know: A squirrel's brain actually increases in size during winter to remember where they buried their nuts.
...
The technical term for it is post-nut clarity - Why did the squirrel fall dead from the tree? Because it's No Nut November.
- How do you befriend a squirrel? Just act like a nut.
- Why did a squirrel get in my pants? There were nuts in it.
(Sorry) - Why do squirrels sleep on their stomach? To keep their nuts warm.
- What did Bruce Wayne say to the hungry squirrel? YOU WANNA GET NUTS?
C'mon, let's get nuts. - What's the best way to catch a squirrel? Climb up a tree and act like a nut
Howlingly Hilarious Squirrel Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy
What funny jokes about squirrel you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean beaver jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make squirrel pranks.
Q: How do you catch a squirrel? A: Climb a tree and act like a nut.
Two trees in a park...
Two trees are talking in a city park one day. The first tree asks "Why do all the squirrels go to you and not me? It's like they don't trust me."
"Well," says the second tree, "it's because you've got no nuts."
George was enjoying his drink at the bar, when an
ugly woman takes a seat next to him.
She had a squirrel sitting on her shoulder.
The woman says to George: "If you can guess what kind of animal I have on my shoulder, I am willing to sleep with you."
George says: "It must be a crocodile?"
She replies: "Close enough"
I killed a squirrel once with a car.
Twice with a tennis racket.
A woman goes to the vet with her pet alligator...
She says "doctor, there is something wrong with my gator. I just caught him acting like a cat and meowing at a squirrel instead of eating it!"
After running a few tests the vet concludes that the alligator has a-reptile dysfunction.
So Jesus, Moses and an old man go golfing
The first to play is Jesus. After his swing, the ball land in the lake. He runs towards it, walks on the water and grabs the ball. Then it's Moses' turn. Bad luck, the same thing happens to him. He walks to the lake, spreads the water into two parts and grabs the ball on the dry ground. Finally, it's time for the old man to play. His ball lands on the top of a tree. Instead of getting the ball, he just waits. After a few minutes, a squirrel hiding in the tree takes the ball and goes down. Then a wolf attacks the squirrel, kills it and eats it. He goes further and ends up vomitting the ball, which is then taken by an eagle. The eagle goes even further, but a hunter shoots it down. The ball falls down and lands exactly in the golf hole. It's hole-in-one and the old man wins. Moses looks at Jesus and says: "I hate playing with your dad."
Sorry if it's a bit long, but I really like that one. Also sorry for my writing, I'm not a native English speaker.
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three. One to change the bulb, and the second to fill the bathtub with bright purple machine tools, and one more to purchase a squirrel from the apple vendor.
I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today.
I'm going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.
Two cows are talking to each other while grazing....
The first cow says
"Hey I heard there's a case of mad cow disease going around, are you worried?"
The second cow looks at the first and says
"Why should I be worried? I'm a squirrel."
Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree?
It died.
A man has a car accident...
A man is talking with a policeman after he had a collision with a tree.
'Could you please tell me what exactly happened, sir?' asks the policeman.
'You see,' says the man, 'there was this squirrel that suddenly popped out of nowhere to cross the street.'
'But if it is truly necessary, can't you just run over the squirrel?'
'I know, but then the squirrel hid behind a tree.'
A town decided to form a clergy group to have Catholics, Jews, Protestants and Muslims gather to talk about various issues facing their places of worship.
The Rabbi went first and said they were having a terrible issue with squirrels. He said they were hanging around outside of church and aggressively begging for food. He said they were scaring their kids. The preacher said they were having the same issue, in fact, a few of the squirrels had actually gotten inside of the church and had done some damage to the roof. The Imam agreed saying that in fact one of the squirrels had bitten a few people at the mosque. The Priest then spoke up and said they used to have the same issue but had solved it. He said they took all of their squirrels, Baptized them, confirmed them, and now they only come around on Christmas and Easter.
A vulture carrying two dead squirrels lines up to board a plane
And the flight attendant says to him, "I'm terribly sorry, sir, but we only allow one carrion."
What did the owl say to the squirrel?
Nothing. Because owls don't talk. Then it ate the squirrel, because owls are birds of prey.
I saw a squirrel p**... the other day.
s**...'s Nuts...
If you want to catch a squirrel
just climb a tree and act like a NUT
I had to file a s**... harassment claim against a squirrel in the park yesterday...
...he wouldn't stop trying to grab my n**....
Why don't squirrels mate in the summer?
Because they're storing their nuts for the winter.
What do we want?!?
A cure for ADD!
When do we want it?
Squirrel!
I met an squirrel at the bus stop
He was standing there with 2 flashlights.
I asked him why he had them with him.
"To scare away the wolfs", he said.
"But, we are in the middle of the city, there are no wolfs here..."
"Told you it works!"
Friend: man, you got to help me. I hit a squirrel driving my car. I feel awful, what should I do?
Me: Why'd you let it drive your car in the first place?
An owl and a squirrel are in a tree watching a farmer go by
The owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing because owls can't talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it's a bird of prey.
What's the difference between squirrels and alcoholism?
Squirrels aren't tearing my family apart.
What do a squirrel and a cigarette have in common?
Put either one in your mouth, light it on fire, and it will kill you.
Source: Friend told me
TIL squirrels die after s**....
Well, the one I had s**... with did.
I met Jon Snow the squirrel the other day
He knows nutting.
As I was walking through the woods I got hit in the head by some shell fragments.
I tried to ignore it but it happened a second time and then a third.
Looking up in anger I saw two squirrels that looked like they were up to no good, so I screamed up at them, "what are you trying to do start a war?!?!"
The bigger of the two looked down at me and said, "nah man, just trying to bust a nut."
A genie grants a Bear and a Squirrel each 3 wishes.
Wish 1: The Bear wishes that every bear in the world would become female.
Wish 1: The Squirrel wishes for a motorcycle he can ride.
Wish 2: The Bear wishes that every female bear in the world would fall in love with him.
Wish 2: The Squirrel wishes for a helmet.
Wish 3: The Bear wishes that none of the female bears ever wanted to get married.
Wish 3: The Squirrel wishes the Bear was gay.
A man applies for a job as a police officer.
The officer says: Alright, one more thing. Take this gun and go shoot 7 black men and a squirrel.
The man replies: Why the squirrel?
The officer says: I love your attitude, you got the job!
How do you get a squirrel to come down from a tree?
t**... pants and show him your nuts
Three squirrels were sitting on animal hides...
The first squirrel was sitting on a rabbit hide and weighed one pound. The second squirrel was sitting on a wolf hide and weighed two pounds. And the third squirrel was sitting on a hippopotamus hide and weighed three pounds. This proves that the squirrel on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squirrels on the other two hides.
I don't need therapy
What I need is these squirrels to stop singing Pink Floyd.
What did the Brazilian goose on the balcony say to the squirrel passing by?
I don't know, I don't speak porch of geese
You are to me what a tree is to a squirrel
A place to put my nut in and forget about.
Two Squirrels GO Camping
They set up a tiny tent and make a tiny campfire. Then, one squirrel pulls out a frying pan and begins to pan fry some twigs. The other squirrel snatches it from his hand and says,
"Are you NUTS?!? This is a non-stick pan!"
A guy goes to the doctor and tells him "Lately I've been dreaming of squirrels playing soccer!"
the doctor says "No problem, take these pills before bed, and it will keep you from having strange dreams."
The guy says "Sounds great, but can i start tomorrow night, tonight are the finals!"
my gf asked me why I call her squirrel
me: because you're short, cute, jumpy, have a bushy tail, and are always on my nuts.
Soo... I'm night blind.
I've ran over a lot of animals. Opossums, squirrels, raccoons. Dogs and cats of course. There was this one animal I never could figure out what it was. It yelled "Stop". It must have been a parrot.
Why does a squirrel's tail grow from it's back?
Because there's a squirrel in the front.
If you were trying to s**... a squirrel
You'd have to be pretty nuts
Homosexuality is found in over 150 different species, homophobia is only found in two.
We aren't doing enough to exterminate the f**...-hating squirrel.
Who would win at scrabble between a Squirrel and a Raccoon?
The Squirrel, it has a Q in it!
trees rock
A squirrel had carved a shelter into a tree. The tree was arrested and faced charges in court of arboring a fugitive.
Squirrels have a habit of storing food in the winter
Isn't that nuts?
Why did the blind man cross the road?
His dog saw a squirrel.
A joke my dad told me awhile ago
How do you get a squirrel out of a tree?
Pull down you pants and show him your nuts.
My friends always call me "that crazy guy."
Just kidding... squirrels can't talk.
A man, a squirrel, and 2 bees are going on a road trip.
On the road, they run out of gas so the man pulls over. One of the bees says, Don't worry, I'll pee in the tank. It'll get us a little further. It works, until they run out of gas again.
The second bee steps up and says, Don't worry, I'll pee in the tank. It'll get us a little further. It works, until they run out of gas for the third time.
This time the squirrel chimes in and says, Don't worry, I'll pee in the tank. It'll get us a little further.
But the man says, Don't bother, she only runs on BP.
How many ADD kids does it take to change a lightbulb?
2. One to get the lightbulb and one ... oh look, a squirrel!
A squirrel in the refrigerator
A man comes home after a hard day's work and opens the refrigerator
to get a soda. Inside, he sees a squirrel taking a nap.
What are you doing in my fridge? the man asks.
The squirrel opens one sleepy eye and says, Isn't this a Westinghouse?
Um, yes, the man replies. It is.
Well then, the squirrel says, shutting his eyes again, I am twying to west.
What's a Squirrels favorite seasoning?
Nutmeg.
Jane is on her honeymoon with Tarzan.
He lays stiff in bed awkwardly staring at the roof of the treehouse. "Have you ever had s**...?" She asks, he stands up and points out the window, "when Tarzan h**..., Tarzan poke hole in tree."
She walks over to him and says "Just do the same, pretend i'm the tree." He nods, and swiftly kicks her between the legs. "w**... was that?" She shrieks in pain.. "Tarzan always check for squirrels"
One day a truck driver had a truck full of squirrels. A police officer said," Sir, I'm going to need you to take these squirrels to the zoo."
The driver did so and left. The next day the driver was back but this time the squirrels were wearing sunglasses. The officer said," I thought I told you to take these squirrels to the zoo." The driver said," I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach."
My wife was joking about her commute to our office in the back yard.
h**... boy this commute is going to be rough today she said as she opened the back door to walk 50 feet to the office
Yeah I heard there's a squirrel flipped over on the tree o five
