squints Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious squints puns

A guy sees a sign outside a bar that says "come in! We have a magic ashtray that will grant one wish if you buy a pint"

He walks in to a swanky piano lounge which, interestingly, had a dwarf playing the piano.

He buys a pint and the bartender tells him to hold the ashtray and make his wish.

He squints and makes his wish. Suddenly a million ducks start swarming out from behind the bar and begin to cause total chaos.

The man yells to the bartender over the noise "I wished for a million BUCKS not DUCKS!!!"

The bartender yelled back "do you think I wished for a 3 foot pianist!?!"

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Old Lady: "Harold? What are you doing with my birth certificate at 3 in the morning?"

Old Man: "Oh, I'm just fawning over how beautiful your name is, darling."

Old Lady: "Harold! That is incredibly sweet of you!"

Old Man: "Well, what can I say? I'm incredibly lucky to have married the woman I love, and that she could have such a beautiful name as... uh..."

*squints and looks at paper*

"...Margret."

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The Kuala and the Lizard

So this Koala is sitting in a tree smoking a spliff. Small lizard walks by and ask the Koala what he's doing. Koala says "Having a spliff man, come up and have a few puffs..."

So up the lizard goes, but after a few drags he's thirsty. Koala says "No problem little dude, just little bit down the road there's a river, go have a drink."

So off the lizard goes, but when he gets to the river he is so stoned he falls into the river onto the crocodiles nose. Crocodile squints at the lizard, says " Hey man, what's up with you, why you falling all over the place?"
Lizard says "Man you won't believe this but there's a Koala in the tree smoking a spliff, I had a few drags now I'm stoned.

Crocodile, thinks, heck I've got to go see this. So he puts the lizard down and goes to look for the Koala. Doesn't take long he finds him. So he shouts to the Koala, " Hey Koala, what you doing up there...?"

Koala looks down at him and frowns and says " Sjees dude, how much water did you drink...?!

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A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

The string says, "Nope, I'm afraid not."

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Sherlock Holmes and his trusty associate Dr. John Watson are strolling leisurely through London's botanical gardens. (OC)

They are investigating the mysterious disappearance of a botanist who specialized in arboreal citrus.

Watson squints, focusing his gaze on something across the gardens. He gasps in surprise and grabs Sherlock's arm. He points at the thing that has captivated his attention and asks "Sherlock, is that a lime tree?"

Sherlock offers a pleasant chuckle and turns to Watson slowly, taking a slow drag from his tar-black pipe. After exhaling the blue-grey smoke into the moist air of the gardens, he says:

It's a lemon tree, my dear Watson.

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Greek Tailor's Shop

A Greek man walks into a Greek tailor shop holding a pair of jeans.

The blind old tailor squints at him. "Euripedes?"

The man nods and holds up the pants. "Eumenedes?"

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A couple of Scottish lads were out one night and they pass a small sign for a comedy act.

One friend squints to read it and says, "come on, let's check this out"

The other friend turns to him and says, "Aye, don't go in. He's not funny."

"How d'ya know, have you seen him before?" asks the enquisitive friend.

"Probably." he says, pointing at the tiny sign, "Look, he's a wee poster."

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Asian restaraunt

Waitress: what would you like?
Man: I would like a bowl of chili.
Waitress: But sir, this is a chinese restraunt.
Man : oh im so sorry. ( Squints eyes)
I would rike a bowl of chiri

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A guy asks his girlfriend

A guy asks his girlfriend after their first night together:
"So... how many guys have you been with before me?"
The girl falls silent and squints at the ceiling.
"What? Did... I... Oh God. I never meant to..."
The girl doesn't react.
"Dammit. Come on... that was really inconsiderate of me."
No reaction.
"I apologize, shouldn't have asked that."
Still, the girl doesn't say anything.
"I've only been with two girls before you... oh God, I'm only making this worse, aren't I?"
Nothing.
"Look, I know you have every right to--"

"Would you please shut the fuck up? I'm still counting!"

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Guy in bar, telling me his whole life story, stops when I ask if he's drunk...

He squints one eye and says, "I'm not drunk, I'm speaking in cursive"

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I was in Japan so long...

..even my urethra squints.

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So I'm at Customs and the boarder agent holds up my passport, squints their eyes and says ... Is-real

I said yes it is, now can I go?

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What are the most funny Squints jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Squints? Well, here are the best Squints dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Squints pick up lines to share with friends.

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