The Best 35 Squeeze Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Squeeze jokes. There are some squeeze homerun jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these squeeze tit puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Squeeze Jokes and Puns

Yesterday I sinned with an 18year old girl.

Man to his priest: Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.

The priest: Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.

Man: And that frees me from my sin?

Priest: No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.

A family of moles

A family of moles awakens from hibernation. The father mole pokes his head out of the hole and says "I smell tulips it must be spring". The mother mole pokes her head out of the hole and says " I smell cherry blossoms it must be spring". The baby mole is trying to squeeze between his parents but gets stuck and says "all I smell is molasses"

A man walks into a church confessional

He says to the priest, "Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night."

The priest is silent for a moment and then says, "Go home, cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it all down in one gulp."

"And I'll be forgiven?" asks the man.

"No" replies the priest, "but it will wipe that smirk off your face."

Squeeze joke, A man walks into a church confessional

This Joke Is A Real Lemon

A barman was very proud of the fact that he could squeeze a lemon so that no more juice would come out of it He made a standing offer of $1000 to anyone who could get more juice out of a lemon after he'd squeezed it. Every night big, burly regulars at the bar attempted to get more juice from a lemon he'd squeezed, but no one could produce so much as a drop. But one night, a little bloke walked in and said he'd heard of the standing offer and would like to try. The barman said 'How do you think you could succeed when all these blokes have failed?' And the little guy said: 'Just give me a chance and I'll show you'.

So the barman, thinking his regulars would enjoy the joke, picked up a lemon and squeezed it. After squeezing all the juice he could out of it, he handed the dried ring to the little bloke and said: 'Here you go.' The little bloke took the lemon and squeezed it and managed to get one, two, three for fix, SIX more drops of juice. Amazed, the barman said: 'Well, here's your $1000. But what do you do for a living? Are you a professional bodybuilder or what?' And the little bloke said: 'No, I work for the Tax Department.'

A man took out a lemon in a crowd of people

and squeezed it dry. He said, 'If anyone can squeeze a drop out of this lemon, I'll give them 100 bucks.'

Many people tried and no one could get any juice out of the lemon. Finally, a man came up and squeezed out two drops of lemon juice. Handing him his $100, the first man asked in wonder, 'Who are you?'

The second man replied, 'Income tax officer.'


What did the orange say to the door?

Mind if I squeeze in?

Written by my 4 year old daughter and I think it is hilarious.

You know how awkward it is when you take her hand in yours, squeeze it, but still wonder...

...where the rest of the body is?

Squeeze joke, You know how awkward it is when you take her hand in yours, squeeze it, but still wonder...

What do you get if you squeeze a synagogue?

Juice!

What grows when you squeeze it, explodes if you rub it too hard, and children love it?

A balloon animal!

a man was in a party with his friend barney

he asked his friend: "how do you get women to like you so much?"

barney replied: "i have a trick, every time i meet them i squeeze them on the butt, it has some kind of pavlovian effect or something but it always works"

the man then went home, him and his wife haven't had sex for a couple of months now so he thought he should try this trick.

his wife was in the kitchen, he approached her from behind and squeezed her ass

his wife replied: "oh barney is that you?"

Mole joke

One day the dad mole pops his head out of the mole hole and goes: "I smell pancakes"
Then the mom mole squeezes her head out of the hole and says: " I smell pancakes and syrup"
Then the baby mole tries to squeeze his head up by gets stuck and says: "all I smell are moleasses"

You can explore squeeze compress reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean squeeze thighs dad jokes. There are also squeeze puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


What do you get when you squeeze a synagogue?

Jews.

I used to work at an orange juice factory, but I got canned.

They put the squeeze on me because I couldn't concentrate.

What happens when you squeeze a synagogue?

All the jewce comes out.

Jeff Bezos' Advice

An Amazon employee greets Bezos shortly after his successful spaceflight and gives him a hearty congratulations. Jeff responds, "Well, if you work hard, set yourself goals and work with determination, I should be able to squeeze in 2 more flights before Christmas."

I started a charity for the billionaire hedge fund investors affected by the Game Stop Short Squeeze.

But Soon after, I realized there's already a Charity for them, The US Government.

Squeeze joke, I started a charity for the billionaire hedge fund investors affected by the Game Stop Short Squeeze

While climbing barefoot up mountains to meditate, Ghandi would squeeze garlic into his mouth to deal with hunger pains from fasting

super calloused fragile mystic with extra halitosis

What happens when you squeeze a smurf?

You papa smurf!

I stretch daily to squeeze the demons out of my blood.

It's the only way I know how to exorcise.


A mushroom goes into the hall of bad jokes and says I'd like to submit a joke of my people

The receptionist looks at him and says listen buddy we have so many bad jokes here that I'm not sure we can squeeze yours in. It has to be exceptionally bad, let me hear it.

Mushroom: so a shroom goes on a date with this girl and she says 'tell me about yourself' and he says 'well I'm a fungi!'

Receptionist: yeah that jokes bad but it's just not gonna cut it, we can't put it in,
We don't have mushroom.

What do you get when you squeeze a slutty orange?

Hoe- j

There was a man who swore he was getting smaller.

Everyday, his height decreases by an inch. Alarmed, he visits the doctor immediately, and asks the secretary to squeeze him in.

"Surely, sir. The doctor will be here any minute. You just have to sit down and be a little patient."

It's finals week and the only question on the test is "what is 2+2?"

A philosophy major writes a long eloquent response but doesn't bother to actually answer the question.

A math major makes a formal proof that 2=2 and that addition is commutative before using the squeeze theorem to prove that 4≤2+2≤4.

An engineering major knows the answer is 4 but writes down 5 just to be safe.

A man walks into a gay bar...

...and it is very crowded. As he walks through the main seating area there isn't quite enough room to squeeze past one gentleman sitting down. He addresses him, "Excuse me, sir, do you mind if I push your stool in?"

Melvin capital was caught with their pants down by the short squeeze

but it seems the SEC didn't like seeing a full debriefing

I adore children.

A little salt, a squeeze of lemon - perfect.

What do you need when you're constipated in math class?

Squeeze Theorem

A very overweight man walks into a hospital and asks to book an appointment for lipo suction

The doctor replied: 'I'll see if I can squeeze you in.'

Slogan for a Sperm Bank Advertisement

"You squeeze it, we freeze it!"

Take that look off your face

A man with a huge grin approaches a priest.
"Bless me father, for I have sinned," he says. "I've spent the week with seven beautiful women."
"Do not fret, my son," says the priest. "All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice."
"Will that cleanse my sin from me?"
"No, but it'll wipe that stupid smile off your face."

What does Harry Potter say when he is trying to squeeze out a poo?

Expellianus.

Kids are getting high on Imodium now?

I don't think the juice is worth the squeeze!

what do you get when you squeeze a synagogue?

Jooouice!

Man to priest: I sinned with an 18 yr old girl yesterday.

Priest: Squeeze the juice of 18 lemons and drink it.
Man: Will this free me of my sin?
Priest: No, but it'll free you of that huge grin off your face!

"Father, I have a confession to make. Yesterday I cheated on my wife with two 18 year old girls."

"Alright. When you get home, squeeze out 18 lemons and drink it all at once."
"And that will free me from my sin?"
"No, but it'll free your face from that dirty smile."

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the squeeze thrust jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working squeeze handful piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes