Squeeze Jokes
66 squeeze jokes and hilarious squeeze puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about squeeze that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Squeeze Short Jokes
Short squeeze jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The squeeze humour may include short strain jokes also.
- What do you call a musician who can play multiple instruments but always chooses the accordion? A firm believer in the “squeeze is worth the juice.”
- Why did the accordion player bring their instrument to the funeral? To give the deceased one last squeeze.
- What did the accordion player say to the piano player? "You got the keys, but I’ve got the squeeze."
- Why did the polka band have such a large fan base? Because their music was so a-squeeze-tic!
- Why did the accordion player turn down a chance to play at a haunted house? He didn’t want to become a squeeze ghoul.
- Why did the accordion player get thrown out of the party? Because he couldn’t handle the squeeze.
- Why do beginner accordion players make great comedians? Their performances are often a big squeeze.
- Why was the beginner accordion player always snacking? He needed the extra energy to keep up with all the squeezing.
- Why did the accordion player get kicked out of the band? He couldn’t squeeze in enough practice time.
- Why do accordion players always seem so happy? Because they’re always getting plenty of squeeze.
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Squeeze One Liners
Which squeeze one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with squeeze? I can suggest the ones about stretch and tight.
- Why did the accordion teacher go to jail? He got caught in a squeeze play.
- Why did the polka musician go to jail? He was caught in too many squeeze plays!
- What do you get if you squeeze a synagogue? Juice!
- What happens when you squeeze a smurf? You papa smurf!
- I adore children. A little salt, a squeeze of lemon - perfect.
- What do you need when you're constipated in math class? Squeeze Theorem
- How do you make Bengay? Squeeze his tube.
- OJ Simpson finally confessed!!! They squeezed it outta him!
- My girlfriend is like a bagpipe When I squeeze her she makes annoying noises.
- My doctor said I need freshly squeezed orange juice everyday I cannot concentrate!
- What do you call a girlfriend who does kegel exercises? Your main squeeze.
- How did the Ethiopian escape prison? He squeezed through the bars.
- What do you call a fresh squeezed Israeli? Jewce.
- We all know the freezing point is 32, but what is the squeezing point?
- Love is like a pimple Once you squeeze the juices out, it just goes away.
Cheerful Fun Squeeze Jokes to Brighten Your Day with Humor and Joy
What funny jokes about squeeze you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean press jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make squeeze pranks.
This Joke Is A Real Lemon
A barman was very proud of the fact that he could squeeze a lemon so that no more juice would come out of it He made a standing offer of $1000 to anyone who could get more juice out of a lemon after he'd squeezed it. Every night big, burly regulars at the bar attempted to get more juice from a lemon he'd squeezed, but no one could produce so much as a drop. But one night, a little bloke walked in and said he'd heard of the standing offer and would like to try. The barman said 'How do you think you could succeed when all these blokes have failed?' And the little guy said: 'Just give me a chance and I'll show you'.
So the barman, thinking his regulars would enjoy the joke, picked up a lemon and squeezed it. After squeezing all the juice he could out of it, he handed the dried ring to the little bloke and said: 'Here you go.' The little bloke took the lemon and squeezed it and managed to get one, two, three for fix, SIX more drops of juice. Amazed, the barman said: 'Well, here's your $1000. But what do you do for a living? Are you a professional bodybuilder or what?' And the little bloke said: 'No, I work for the Tax Department.'
What grows when you squeeze it, explodes if you rub it too hard, and children love it?
A mummy balloon, daddy balloon and baby balloon are watching TV...
When the parents announce they are ready for bed, but the baby balloon is OK to stay up a little while longer. They head off to bed, and an hour later, baby balloon finishes his show, and goes to the bedroom.
As they are balloons and have no real sources of income, they live in a 1 bedroom apartment, and have to share a bed. The baby balloon tries to get into bed, but mummy balloon and daddy balloon are just so big that he can't squeeze in. So, he goes to daddy balloon, unties his knot and lets out a little air, and tries getting into bed again: Still not enough room. He then goes to mummy balloon and unties her knot and lets a little air out: A little better, but still not enough. So, he unties his own knot, lets out some air, and is able to fit comfortably into bed.
The next morning, baby balloon wakes up to find his parents are not there. He goes into the kitchen to find mummy and daddy balloon sitting at the table looking pretty angry.
Daddy balloon says, 'Son, we are pretty upset about what you did last night. You let me down, you let your mother down, but worst of all, you let yourself down.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A lady waits for the bus
An old Soviet lady has been waiting for two hours to get in a bus. Bus after bus came full and she couldn't squeeze herself in.
When she finally managed to crawl in, she wiped her forehead, and said, "Finally, thank God!" The driver overheard her and said, "Mother, you must not say that, You must say 'thank comrade Stalin'."
"Excuse me, comrade," the woman said. "I'm just a backward old woman. I'll say from now on as you told me."
After a while, she said, "Excuse me, comrade, I am old and s**.... What shall I say if, God forbid, Stalin dies?" "Well, then you may say, 'Thank God!'"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Confession
A man's talking to his priest and says "Father, I don't know what to do. Suddenly, all of these beautiful women want to have s**... with me. I try to be good, but I have to confess, I'm weak. I slept with five women in the last three days."
The priest says, "Go home, squeeze five lemons into a cup, and drink it really fast."
The man asks, "Will that absolve me of all my sins?"
"No," the priest says.
"Will it help me resist temptation?"
"No."
"Then why..."
"It'll get that s**... smug grin off your face."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The craziest dream
Three young guys traveling together walk into a motel and find out there is only one room left and that room has only one bed. Since it's the only motel in town, the guys decide to s**... it up for the night and share the bed. They get to their room, squeeze in, and quickly fall asleep.
The next morning, the guy on the left side of the bed wakes up and says, "I had the craziest dream. I dreamt I was getting the best h**... of my life."
The guy on the right side says, "That's amazing, I had the same dream!"
Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "Wow, I had the weirdest dream! I was cross-country skiing really, really fast..."
Download Sorenson Squeeze 10 Pro | PCWorld
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Post tortoise
While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.
The old farmer said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Tortoises'.''
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was.
The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise."
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.
"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of s**... a**... put him up there to begin with."
A bar owner puts out a challenge
He puts an ad in the paper saying that if anyone can beat his bartender in a feat of strength, then he will give them 10,000$. So people come from all over trying to win the money, bodybuilders, construction workers, boxers, but nobody can beat him. In order to win, they must squeeze just one drop of juice out of a lemon after the bartender squeezes it. So one day a skinny man in a suit with point dexter glasses walks in and says he can beat the bartender in the feat of strength. After everyone in the bar stops laughing, the bartender says ok and start squeezing and squeezing until there's almost nothing left in the lemon. So he hands it to the man and in just ten seconds the skinny man gets 6 drops out of the lemon. The owner of the bar gives him his money and says "before you go, tell me, how did you do that? Are you a magician? Martial artist? How in the world did you beat him?" And the man replies "oh no no no, I work for the IRS."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Slogan for a s**... Bank Advertisement
"You squeeze it, we freeze it!"
What's the difference between a pretty girl and an apple?
One you squeeze to get cider, the other you get 'side her to squeeze.
It's finals week and the only question on the test is "what is 2+2?"
A philosophy major writes a long eloquent response but doesn't bother to actually answer the question.
A math major makes a formal proof that 2=2 and that addition is commutative before using the squeeze theorem to prove that 4≤2+2≤4.
An engineering major knows the answer is 4 but writes down 5 just to be safe.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If life gives you lemons...
Squeeze them into the eyes of the guy you don't like.
Lew Schneider on Sunblock
We use a really strong sunblock when we go to the beach with the kids. It's SPF 80: You squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out.
While climbing barefoot up mountains to meditate, Ghandi would squeeze garlic into his mouth to deal with hunger pains from fasting
super calloused fragile mystic with extra halitosis
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I stretch daily to squeeze the demons out of my blood.
It's the only way I know how to exorcise.
A man took out a lemon in a crowd of people
and squeezed it dry. He said, 'If anyone can squeeze a drop out of this lemon, I'll give them 100 bucks.'
Many people tried and no one could get any juice out of the lemon. Finally, a man came up and squeezed out two drops of lemon juice. Handing him his $100, the first man asked in wonder, 'Who are you?'
The second man replied, 'Income tax officer.'
You know how awkward it is when you take her hand in yours, squeeze it, but still wonder...
...where the rest of the body is?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I've lost my mind.
Sometimes, I squeeze my fingers together really tight. Eventually, they slip and slap my hand.
I guess you could say I've snapped.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What happens when you squeeze a synagogue?
All the jewce comes out.
At a carnival, a strongman cuts a lemon in half.
He then takes one half and squeezes it as hard as he can. He turns to the crowd and says:
"A hundred dollars for any man or woman who can squeeze a single drop of juice into this glass!"
Several men confidently walk up to the stage, but none of them manage to complete the challenge, despite their big muscles. Eventually, a tiny, frail looking gentleman walks up to the stage. The strongman laughs, but gives him a go. To everyone's surprise, the man squeezes the lemon and almost fills the entire glass.
Stunned, the strongman asks the obvious winner of the challenge how he managed that.
"Oh, that's easy." Replied the man. "I work for the IRS."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Father, I have a confession to make. Yesterday I cheated on my wife with two 18 year old girls."
"Alright. When you get home, squeeze out 18 lemons and drink it all at once."
"And that will free me from my sin?"
"No, but it'll free your face from that dirty smile."
Chocolate chip...
How many men does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?... 3!
One to make the batter, two to squeeze the rabbit.
Happy Easter everyone
Mole joke
One day the dad mole pops his head out of the mole hole and goes: "I smell pancakes"
Then the mom mole squeezes her head out of the hole and says: " I smell pancakes and syrup"
Then the baby mole tries to squeeze his head up by gets stuck and says: "all I smell are moleasses"
A very overweight man walks into a hospital and asks to book an appointment for lipo suction
The doctor replied: 'I'll see if I can squeeze you in.'
There was a man who swore he was getting smaller.
Everyday, his height decreases by an inch. Alarmed, he visits the doctor immediately, and asks the secretary to squeeze him in.
"Surely, sir. The doctor will be here any minute. You just have to sit down and be a little patient."
Yesterday I sinned with an 18year old girl.
Man to his priest: Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.
The priest: Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.
Man: And that frees me from my sin?
Priest: No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.
What did the Math Teacher say to the fat kid who could not get in his seat?
Squeeze yourself in with the Squeeze Theorem.
When my lady is on her period...
I love to squeeze her because she's my little ketchup packet
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do auto mechanics make the best lovers?
Because they know how to s**..., squeeze, bang, blow.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are mechanical engineers so great at getting laid?
Because they spent 4 years mastering how to make things s**..., squeeze, bang, and blow!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you tell if your wife is faking it?
Next time during s**.... Grab her by the n**... and squeeze.
Whatever sound she subsequently makes is genuine.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you get when you squeeze a s**... orange?
h**...- j
A mushroom goes into the hall of bad jokes and says I'd like to submit a joke of my people
The receptionist looks at him and says listen buddy we have so many bad jokes here that I'm not sure we can squeeze yours in. It has to be exceptionally bad, let me hear it.
Mushroom: so a shroom goes on a date with this girl and she says 'tell me about yourself' and he says 'well I'm a fungi!'
Receptionist: yeah that jokes bad but it's just not gonna cut it, we can't put it in,
We don't have mushroom.
Melvin capital was caught with their pants down by the short squeeze
but it seems the SEC didn't like seeing a full debriefing
I started a charity for the billionaire hedge fund investors affected by the Game Stop Short Squeeze.
But Soon after, I realized there's already a Charity for them, The US Government.
What did the orange say to the door?
Mind if I squeeze in?
Written by my 4 year old daughter and I think it is hilarious.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
a man was in a party with his friend barney
he asked his friend: "how do you get women to like you so much?"
barney replied: "i have a trick, every time i meet them i squeeze them on the b**..., it has some kind of pavlovian effect or something but it always works"
the man then went home, him and his wife haven't had s**... for a couple of months now so he thought he should try this trick.
his wife was in the kitchen, he approached her from behind and squeezed her a**...
his wife replied: "oh barney is that you?"
Jeff Bezos' Advice
An Amazon employee greets Bezos shortly after his successful spaceflight and gives him a hearty congratulations. Jeff responds, "Well, if you work hard, set yourself goals and work with determination, I should be able to squeeze in 2 more flights before Christmas."
A man walks into a church confessional
He says to the priest, "Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night."
The priest is silent for a moment and then says, "Go home, cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it all down in one gulp."
"And I'll be forgiven?" asks the man.
"No" replies the priest, "but it will wipe that smirk off your face."
How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine harvester?
Just one, but you squeeze them through really slowly.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There are 2 kinds of people...
Those that squeeze the toothpaste tube from the bottom
And
Godforsaken Sociopaths
The Ancients spoke of a wise healer who hated to be hugged. He lived by one rule.
Don't squeeze the shaman.
