Spy Jokes
138 spy jokes and hilarious spy puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about spy that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Check out this hilarious collection of spy jokes! Laugh at jokes about secret missions, special operatives, and espionage attempts, such as eye spy, kid spy, and cat spy. Learn about spy-related topics like Chinese spies, Spy x Family, and Spy Ninjas. Plus, get some insight on Crimea and the surrender of secret agents. Get ready to chuckle!
Quick Jump To
Funniest Spy Short Jokes
Short spy jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The spy humour may include short mission jokes also.
- Cardi B's sister used to spy for the Russian government, but refuses to talk about it publicly They call her 'Cagey B'
- If you think your microwave spying on you is bad... Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
- President Biden ordered an F16 missile attack to destroy the Chinese spy balloon Americans are thrilled. It's the first thing he's done to combat inflation.
- Don't be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you. Your vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
- A conman, a mentally handicapped person, and a Russian spy walk into a bar And the bartender asks, "What will it be, Mr. President?"
- I always assumed that China has extremely sophisticated spying technology that they use on their rivals. Well, that balloon has burst.
- Why does the government use microwaves to spy on you? Because it's the one place you can't put tin foil.
- The FBI are raiding an alleged spy's apartment, when they discover a hard drive labelled KGB . One of the agents holds it up with a look of confusion and says, why wouldn't he just write 1 TB?
- A Serial Killer, Car Thief and Russian Spy walks into a bar And that was just the first guy
- My neighbor thinks I spy on her.. I would tell her otherwise, but she's in the shower right now
Share These Spy Jokes With Friends
Spy One Liners
Which spy one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with spy? I can suggest the ones about surrender and surveillance.
- The three most well-known spy agencies are the CIA, KGB, and MI5. The rest are good.
- Where does a spy sleep? Under covers.
- Why do spies never use capitalization? They like to stay low-key.
- Who is both a knight and a spy? Sir Veillance
- What do you call two gay women spying on each other? lesbianage
- What do you call a cow spying on another cow? A steak out
- What is Donald Trump's Spy Name? Agent Orange!
- Why did the spy cross the road? He was never on your side
- What's Canada's spy agency? The CI, eh?
- What do you call a Medieval spy? Sir Veillance
- What does the US Government use to spy on a high school student? An essay.
- Why do accordion players make terrible spies? They always fold under pressure.
- How do guilt-ridden spies communicate with each other? Remorse code
- Did you hear about the bee that became a russian spy? He always was a cagey bee
- What do you call a Swedish spy film? The Bjorn Identity.
Kid Spy Jokes
Here is a list of funny kid spy jokes and even better kid spy puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Zuckerberg during his visit at a school Kid: My dad says you spy on us.
Zuckerberg: He's not your dad. - Did you hear about the spy who trashed a kid's birthday party? He was a good anti-caking agent
- Schooltrip Schooltrip to Facebook HQ, questions time. Kid: Mark, my dad says, that you spy on people. Is that true? Mark: he is not your dad.
- I spy with my little eye. A kid terrified with my literally little eye.
- What do you name the kid of a British super spy and girl with yellow hair? James Blonde
- There was a Machete accident on the set of Spy Kids 5 now starring t**... Trejo
Eye Spy Jokes
Here is a list of funny eye spy jokes and even better eye spy puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A Russian spy ship was spotted off the U.S coast... But don't worry - they're just keeping an eye on their investment
- I spy with my little eye nothing because I only have two normal-sized eyes.
- What did little Suzy spy with her little eye? A cataract.
Chinese Spy Jokes
Here is a list of funny chinese spy jokes and even better chinese spy puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Instead of actual serious spying gear, the Chinese used a balloon. Why? Because of inflation.
- How do Chinese spies introduce themselves to their enemies? They say, "I'm Wa-Ching Yu!"
- What do the Chinese call their spies? Secret Asians.
- A communist a spy and a chinese walk into a bar He orders a drink.
- How did a Chinese spy disguise himself as an Arab in America? He became a Muslim.
Spy Soviets Jokes
Here is a list of funny spy soviets jokes and even better spy soviets puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How many Soviets did it take to remove a lightbulb? Two.
One to remove it.
Another to accuse the first guy of being a bourgeois saboteur spy. - bill nye, The soviet spy
Uproarious Spy Jokes to Share with Friends
What funny jokes about spy you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean snoop jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make spy pranks.
A russian spy, a s**... predator and a billionaire walk into a bar
Bartender says "What can I get you Mr. President?"
A s**... predator, a racist and a Russian spy walk into a bar.
The bartender says "What can I get you Mr. President?"
An American spy comes into a Soviet bar
And orders a drink.
"No drink for US spies" said the barkeep.
The spy goes pale. He pulls out a bottle of v**... and drains it in one big gulp.
"You drink like Russian, but you are American spy"
The spy pulls out his accordeon and plays a wonderful Russian folk song, everyone in the bar tearing up, including the barkeep.
"You sing like Russian", he said under tears, "but you are American spy"
He starts dancing the Kozachok, worthy of the Bolshoy dancers.
"You dance like Russian, but you are American spy"
"Ok, you got me. But how do you know?"
"There are no black Russians"
An English spy, a Scottish spy and an Irish spy are captured by the n**....
The n**... ask if they have any last wishes
The Irishman says "I want the Irish national anthem to be played before I die"
The Scottish man says "I want the Scottish anthem to be played on bagpipes before I die"
The Englishman says "I wanna die first"
A Russian spy, a k**..., and televangelist walk into a bar.
Bartender says, "Sorry. Republican Convention is next door."
A Russian spy, a s**... predator and a billionaire walk into a bar, and the bartender says:
What can I get you Mr. President?
A spy, an adulterer, and a guy who launders money for the Russian mob walk into a bar...
The bartender says "What'll it be, Mr. President?"
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead spy get caught behind enemy lines...
The enemy puts each of them against a fence to be shot.
The general orders his squad, "Ready. Aim."
The brunette spy is quick on her feet and yells, "TORNADO! TORNADO! TORNADO!"
The entire firing squad goes to the bunker to hide and waits for the tornado to pass. The brunette then unties her b**... and escapes. The redhead spy sees this and comes up with her own plan. The firing squad returns to kill the remaining two spies.
The general orders again, "Ready. Aim."
The redhead spy then shouts, "EARTHQUAKE! EARTHQUAKE! EARTHQUAKE!"
The enemy takes cover from the earthquake. The redhead spy then unties her b**... and escapes. The blonde spy is no dumby she gets an idea of her own. The firing squad returns to kill the last remaining spy.
The general orders once more, "Ready. Aim."
The blonde spy ready to run yells, "FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!"
Two mexicans are stranded in the desert for days....
... and they're at death's door....
They stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something, they suddenly spy through the heat haze a tree off in the distance.
As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with s**... after s**... of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.
"Hey, Pepe" says the first hombre. "ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"
"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"
With his dying breath Pepe calls out.... "Ugh, run,amigo, run!! ees not a Bacon Tree".......
"ees... a.... Hambush"
Here is a joke from the Soviet Union (also popular in other communist countries before 1989)
A CIA agent is sent on a spy mission to Moscow, Soviet Union. He goes to a grocery store and writes down in his diary "There is no food".
He then goes to a clothes shop and puts down in the diary "there are no shoes".
He goes out of the shop and a KGB agent waits for him outside. "You know, 10 years ago we would have shot you for that."
The CIA agent writes in his diary "There are no bullets".
3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.
After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info.
Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info.
Then they took the Italian spy and did the same to him, but he didnt give any info. They kept torturing him for 3 hours but with no luck. Eventually they gave up and put him back in the cell.
The 2 other spies asked him How did you do that? They tortured us like crazy! The Italian replied: I wanted to give all my info, but they tied my hands and so I couldn't speak.
The Italian spy
A german, French, and Italian spy get captured. The French spy is tied with his hands strapped behind his back, a d is tortured and interrogated. He confesses after one hour. The German spy lasts two hours before confessing. The Italian spy lasts hours before his captors give up on him. The German and French spies ask how he lasted so long without talking and he says "I wanted to talk, but I couldn't move my hands."
2 spies in an interrogation room
The interrogator sat in front of them and asked for names.
Spy A says to the other
"Whatever you do, dont say a word"
A few seconds later Spy B said
"Fdugyop"
The Spy A looked at Spy B and said
"what did just say?"
Spy B replied
"Oh when we played scrabble you said '*thats not a word*' and NOW its a word"
Three prisoners of communist regime
Three prisoners are in one cell and they talk about why they are here.
First guy: "My watch was always 10 minutes late, so I was always late for work and they locked me up for betrayal."
Second guy: "My watch was always 10 minutes early, so I was always 10 minutes early to work and they locked me up for being a spy."
Third guy: "My watch was always on time, so I was always in time to work and they locked me up for having an offshore watch."
Girl: What do you like to do in your free time?
Guy: I spy on people.
Girl: Really? I like to take long walks in the park and go to the movies with my friends.
Guy: I know.
I discovered that my boyfriend is a communist spy.
I guess I could have noticed this sooner, but chose to ignore the red flags.
Trump was cleaning his gun in Trump Tower...
Kellyanne Conway walks in and asks,
Kellyanne: "Why do you have a gun?"
Trump: "Obama Spy Drones"
Kellyanne: \*laughs\*
Trump: \*laughs\*
Microwave: \*laughs\*
Trump shoots the Microwave.
How did the german spy get caught?
He went into a pub in London and ordered two whiskeys.
The bartender asked him: "Dry?"
To which he replied: "Nein, zwei"
A lawyer, a spy, a money launderer, and a mob boss walk into a bar.
The bar tender looks up and says, "you must be here to talk about adoption".
What's the difference between a spy and a computer?
A spy has inside intel.
A computer has Intel Inside.
A Russian spy enters the White House in search of intelligence.
He had to return home empty handed.
Have you heard of the piano-playing spy?
Neither have I. He's very low-key.
Spy
A spy is getting instructions for his mission: You will parachute in a field behind the enemy lines. By the field there is a shack by a road. Behind the shack there is bicycle. Ride the bicycle 10 miles north and you will be in a village where you will meet your contact at the local tavern. He will give further information.
That evening the spy is dropped from the airplane. The parachute doesn't open. The spy complains: I bet there is no bicycle either .
I work as a spy for the US government.
One of my more deadly assignments involved going after a mad scientist in Italy. I was having dinner with one of my contacts over some delicious cheesy rigatoni. Then, out of nowhere, I was hit by a shrink ray and tossed into my food with the sound of evil laughter. Fraught by the perils of steaming hot carbs around me, I knew that for now, escape would have to be my mission.
Mission in pasta bowl.
A r**..., a businessman and a Russian spy walk into a bar
The bartender says: "what may I get for you Mr. President?
What do you call a flower that is also a spy?
A plant
What do you call a black spy?
Incognegro
What do you call a Siamese spy?
A double agent.
An Old Man and His Lake
An old man went down to his lake to clear brush from a recent storm. When he arrived he found 8 beautiful women skinny dipping in the water. Seeing him the women yelled "you get out of here old man. We're staying under the water until you're long gone so you don't see a thing." Quickly the old man replied "I apologize ladies. I'm not here to spy on you. I just came to feed the alligators."
What's the easiest way to find a spy in the United States?
Ask them to sing the Star Spangled Banner.
If the sing more than one verse, you have your spy.
Your spy name is
Your last name, followed by a brief pause and then your first and last name.
My grandfather was a peeping tom. He used to drill holes in the floor and spy on the people in the flat below.
He died recently, but I like thinking about him up there somewhere, looking down on us.
My other grandfather was a peeping tom
he use to drill holes in the floor and spy on the people in the apartment below. He died recently but I kind of like thinking about him up there somewhere.....looking down on us.
Three men apply for a spy position
Three men apply for a spy position.
Its the final test
Interviewer: "I have your SO in this room. Your mission is to kill them. Here's a gun."
First candidate: " You can't be serious?"
Interviewer: " Then this job is not for you."
Second candidate comes out 5 minutes later: "I can't do this."
Interviewer hears shots fired, screaming and b**... in the last room.
Last candidate: "The gun just had blanks. I had to beat her with the chair."
I think my daughter is dating a female spy
Its seems like a very advanced form of Lesbionage
Google really does spy on us
This is why I don't trust smartphones. My friend and I were talking about repairing his roof over the next week, because the recent storm took off a few portions. The next day I saw advertisements all over Facebook telling me there are hot shingles in my area looking to get nailed.
Spy intels
A hot Russian spy reported back to her boss: i got the latest classified intels from the general and also captured his son.
Boss replies: excellent! so where's the boy?
'gotta wait another 9 months before you can meet him' says the Russian spy.
What do you call a secret agent running for the bus?
A Russian spy.
SPY FACT:
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07
What do you call a spy that sell apples?
An in cider
What does a spy do when he feels cold ?
He goes undercover.
I think that a Russian spy is following me.
CORRECTION: I not followed.
Motherland do no such thing.
Have a good day.
Why did the spy sleep in?
He was working undercover.
What do you call a lesbian spy?
Lesbianage.
What does a spy do when he gets cold?
He goes under cover.
Why would Italians make a faithful spy?
Because they won't utter a word when their hands are tied.
A friend of mine was given a new iwatch but he was suspicious someone was using it to spy on him.
Ever cautious he told me he likes to keep it at arms length.
If James Bond movies were about food...
These could be their titles:
* On Her Majesty's Secret Recipe
* Donuts are Forever
* Octopie
* Moonbaker
* The Spy Who Loved Meat
* License to Grill
* GoldenPie
* Diet Another Day
* All The Food In The World Is Not Enough
* Cashew Chicken Royale
A man hails a cab...
...and gets inside. The driver starts, and decides to mess with the man a little bit. "I'm actually a spy you know" he says to his passenger. "Really?" The passenger says. "Yeah, you see the man on that bike? I need to take him down" He speeds up a bit and right when he's about to hit the bike messenger, he slows, just missing him. The driver then hears a thud, when the passenger says, "You missed him, but I got him with the door!"
Why did the spy get out of bed?
Because he was undercovers
A British spy, Irish spy and Scottish spy are captured by the n**...
Just as the n**... are about to open fire, the British spy shouts
"Hurricane!"
and all the n**... run, allowing the British spy to escape
Angered, they return, and prepare to shoot the Scottish spy when he shouts
"Typhoon!"
and all the n**... run, allowing the Scottish spy to escape
The n**... return again, angry, to kill the Irish spy when he shouts
"Fire!"
Did your hear 007 opened a handyman business after retiring from spy work?
It was a logical career change, he was already licensed and bonded, and had some experience taking care of oddjobs.
There was a spy that was into b**....
James, b**....
The real enemies are the friends we make along the way
Specially if you are a spy
The best place for a spy to go undiscovered is on a satellite
Because in space, no one can hear you scheme.
Who was the skeptical man who dressed up as a woman to spy on the Wright Brothers initial flight test?
Mrs. Doubtflyer
A spy has infiltrated an enemy military base in search of i**... weapons. His coordinates for the expected weapons are a little off and he ends up in the ventilation shaft above the toilets. Command contacts him and asks if he's found anything incriminating yet.
He replies hastily.. Well, possibly something biological and I don't see any missiles but.. I C BMs.
Me and my friend went to spy on women
We saw a girl n**... and after a few seconds my friend randomely got up and ran away. I chased after him and once I caught up with him I asked him "Hey why are you running away?!" He said "my mom told me when I was a kid that if I ever spied on women I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard"
Donald Trump, a Russian spy and corrupt politician walk into a bar..
He quickly turns around and leaves, saying "What was i thinking?? I don't even drink alcohol!"
What is a dog's favorite spy movie?
Mission im-paw-sible
When I was a boy...
"I was walking along a street and happened to spy a cart full of watermelons. I was fond of watermelon, so I sneaked quietly on the cart and snitched one. I then ran into a nearby alley and sank my teeth into the melon.
No sooner had I done so, however, than a strange feeling came over me. Without a moment's hesitation, I made my decision. I walked back to the cart, replaced the melon -
And took a ripe one."
-Mark Twain
Why would Groot make a terrible spy?
Because he's an obvious plant.
I didn't believe it when they told me the government had accidentally opened a portal to another dimension while trying to spy on the Russians...
But I guess stranger things have happened.
Have you heard about the dyslexic spy who got caught with a suitcase nuke in the post office?
Fission mailed!
