Spring Time Jokes
33 spring time jokes and hilarious spring time puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about spring time that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Spring Time Short Jokes
Short spring time jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The spring time humour may include short spring season jokes also.
- 5 years ago, I asked this beautiful woman if she would go to dinner with me. Last spring, I asked her to be my wife. Both times she said no.
- Why did the flower go to the party on the first day of spring? It wanted to blossom and have a bud-dy good time!
- My mom called me 4 times in a row and woke me up to tell me this joke. I'm so excited about spring i wet my plants!
- TIL that dinosaurs used hot springs to take baths But as time advanced they moved onto meteor showers.
- Why cant you trust math teachers in the spring time? Because they'll always play matrix on you.
- I'll never forget the time I was a stud and he'd s**... for an hour and 45 minutes. Thank you, spring forward.
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Spring Time One Liners
Which spring time one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with spring time? I can suggest the ones about spring summer and spring.
- What's the best time to use a trampoline? Spring time.
- What season is it when you are on a trampoline? Spring time :D
I'm not funny (._.) - Why does Connor McGregor hate the spring time? Because he hates MayWeather
- What is a bed's least favourite time of year? Spring break.
- What time of the year do big girls jump on trampolines?? Spring break..
- What is the best season to jump on a trampoline? Spring time!
- When do people start using their trampoline? Spring-Time.
- How did the deciduous tree feel during spring time? It was re-leafed
- What's the worst time of the year for the Slinkies factory? Spring break.
BA DUM
TISS
Spring Time Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about spring time you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean summer time jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make spring time pranks.
My dad owns 4 tents which he uses for camping
He uses all 4 at different times of the year, and each one is based on 1 of 4 different musical genres.
In spring he uses the jazz tent, in summer he uses the pop tent, in autumn he uses the classical tent….
But now is the winter of our disco tent.
4 college students are having a great time on spring break.
So they decide to spend an extra week away from class. One of the students calls his professor, and says "prof, we are stuck in Daytona beach. We won't be able to make it back in time for exams because the tire on our car blew. We need to get it fixed before we head back".
The prof says "no problem. Your safety comes first. Do what you need to, and when you get back the four of you can write the exam at that point".
So the students live it up for another week. Drinking. Partying. Etcetera.
When they get back to school a week later, the prof welcomes them, sits them each in different rooms, and hands them the exam.
When they turn the page over to start writing, they find their exams have only one question: "which tire?"
My n**... Days Are Over
My n**... days are over, my pilot light is out.
What used to be my s**... appeal, is now my waterspout.
Time was when, on its own accord, from my trousers it would spring,
But now I've got a full-time job, to find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing, the way it would behave.
For every single morning, it would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches, it sure gives me the blues,
to see it hang its little head, and watch me tie my shoes!
Two Mexican men have just crossed the border into the U.S.
They are now wandering through the Arizona desert. In short time, they become lost amongst the sand, praying for any sign of civilization. They spend days out there, and are on the verge of death from heat and starvation.
When suddenly, a shining oasis appears before them. The water is crystal clear and it is surrounded with lush foliage. And in the center is one specific tree. It is a majestic plant and from it's branches hang the most unexpected of things.
Bacon. Delicious, crispy bacon. Enough to feed a man for days. Without even thinking, one of the men bolts for the oasis, desperate for food and water. As he reaches the half way point, from behind the tree springs forth a man wielding a machine gun. The poor immigrant is gunned down and lays in the sand, dieing. His friend runs to him and says
> Miguel, are you alright? What happened to you?
To which the man responds, looking up at his friend with his dieing breath
> Pedro, it is not a bacon tree...it is a hambush.
"Excuse me," he says to her, "do we know each other?"
"Sure," she answers, "one of my children is yours!"
The guy confused, thinks and suddenly remembers the only time he cheated his wife.
So he asks her: "Were you that stripper invited at a bachelor party at the suburbs last spring and we ended up having wild s**... in the kitchen? You had manacled my hands and you cramed a carrot in my a…!"
The woman frowned answers: "No, I am your son’s philologist..."
Horse problems
A classic I first heard from my grandpa.
Rufus and Ludgate, a couple of rather rural neighbors, each decided to buy a horse one summer. Since they were neighbors, they decided it made sense to pasture the horses together in the same field. Before turning them loose, they talked about how to tell them apart. After endless ideas, Rufus finally said to Ludgate, "Well, why don't I cut the mane short on mine, and you cut the tail short on yours?" This seemed like the perfect solution to the problem, so the horses were trimmed in no time.
The fall came along, and the winter, and come spring, Ludgate wanted to sell his horse. He quickly realized he had a problem: time had run its course, and both horses had long manes and tails. He called up Rufus to deliver the shocking news. The two pondered the situation for a while, and finally Rufus had the answer: "Ludgate, why don't you just sell the brown one and I'll keep the white one?"
Baseball & Football -George Carlin
Baseball is different from any other sport, very different. For instance, in most sports you score points or goals; in baseball you score runs. In most sports the ball, or object, is put in play by the offensive team; in baseball the defensive team puts the ball in play, and only the defense is allowed to touch the ball. In fact, in baseball if an offensive player touches the ball intentionally, he's out; sometimes unintentionally, he's out.
Also: in football,basketball, soccer, volleyball, and all sports played with a ball, you score with the ball and in baseball the ball prevents you from scoring.
In most sports the team is run by a coach; in baseball the team is run by a manager. And only in baseball does the manager or coach wear the same clothing the players do. If you'd ever seen John Madden in his Oakland Raiders uniform,you'd know the reason for this custom.
Now, I've mentioned football. Baseball & football are the two most popular spectator sports in this country. And as such, it seems they ought to be able to tell us something about ourselves and our values.
I enjoy comparing baseball and football:
Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game.
Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.
Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park.The baseball park!
Football is played on a gridiron, in a stadium, sometimes called Soldier Field or War Memorial Stadium.
Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life.
Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.
In football you wear a helmet.
In baseball you wear a cap.
Football is concerned with downs - what down is it?
Baseball is concerned with ups - who's up?
In football you receive a penalty.
In baseball you make an error.
In football the specialist comes in to kick.
In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody.
Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting and unnecessary roughness.
Baseball has the sacrifice.
Football is played in any kind of weather: rain, snow, sleet, hail, fog...
In baseball, if it rains, we don't go out to play.
Baseball has the seventh inning stretch.
Football has the two minute warning.
Baseball has no time limit: we don't know when it's gonna end - might have extra innings.
Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we've got to go to sudden death.
In baseball, during the game, in the stands, there's kind of a picnic feeling; emotions may run high or low, but there's not too much unpleasantness.
In football, during the game in the stands, you can be sure that at least twenty-seven times you're capable of taking the life of a fellow human being.
And finally, the objectives of the two games are completely different:
In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line.
In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!
skipping church
Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally
beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he
told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass
for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town
to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't
accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee,
he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from
the heavens and exclaimed "You're not going to let him get away with this, are
you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin,
dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.
IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
This guy takes his sick parrot to the vet...
The vet takes one look and says, "I'm afraid your parrot is dead."
"That's terrible," says the guy, "How can you so sure? I'd like a second opinion."
The Vet then opens the door and whistles. A Labrador bounds into the room, hops up onto the table, takes time sniffing at the parrot, looks up and whines sadly.
I'm afraid it's confirmed says the vet. The guy looks at the vet and says But my 5 year old daughter loves this parrot! Please! Are you 100% sure?
The Vet replies We can do one final test . He whistles again and a cat comes into the room and springs up onto the table. T he cat walks up and down the table looking intently at the parrot, then meows sadly and leaves.
"Well I'm terribly sorry Mr Jones but there can be no doubt about it. Polly is dead."
"Well, it's terrible news. Thank you for your time. How much do I owe you?"
"That comes to eight hundred pounds please."
"What?" cried the man in shock, "Why so much?"
"Well" Said the Vet, "Quick, accurate diagnoses don't come cheap. Ordinarily it would nearer to two hundred. What pushed the price up was the Lab report and Cat scan!"