spreads Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious spreads puns

A man brings home flowers to his wife

A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She's so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them.

Her husband confused looks down and goes "What's that for?"

His wife replies "For the flowers of course"

He thinks for a moment and asks "Don't we have a vase?"

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Two soldiers are walking through the desert...

And a scorpion crawls up on one of the Tim's leg and stings him right in the dick. Johnny calls the base and asks to talk with the medic. He tells him what happened to Tim and asks what the best course of action would be. Since the base is far away, the medic tells Johnny that he has to suck the venom out of the wound before it spreads. Tim asks: "What did the medic say?"
Johnny says: "He says you're gonna fucking die"

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Did you hear about the new paint called "blonde" paint?

It's not very bright but it spreads easily.

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A German, an American, and a Russian are arguing who can feed a spoonful of mustard to a cat more easily...

The German just grabs the cat and forces the spoon with mustard into its mouth. The other two protest: "This is violence!"

The American hides the mustard between two slices of sausage. The other two protest: "This is deception!"

The Russian spreads the mustard under the cat's tail. The cat starts furiously licking it off, meowing loudly. "See - he does it voluntarily and with songs!"

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So Jesus, Moses and an old man go golfing

The first to play is Jesus. After his swing, the ball land in the lake. He runs towards it, walks on the water and grabs the ball. Then it's Moses' turn. Bad luck, the same thing happens to him. He walks to the lake, spreads the water into two parts and grabs the ball on the dry ground. Finally, it's time for the old man to play. His ball lands on the top of a tree. Instead of getting the ball, he just waits. After a few minutes, a squirrel hiding in the tree takes the ball and goes down. Then a wolf attacks the squirrel, kills it and eats it. He goes further and ends up vomitting the ball, which is then taken by an eagle. The eagle goes even further, but a hunter shoots it down. The ball falls down and lands exactly in the golf hole. It's hole-in-one and the old man wins. Moses looks at Jesus and says: "I hate playing with your dad."


Sorry if it's a bit long, but I really like that one. Also sorry for my writing, I'm not a native English speaker.

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Wedding Night

A guy has never had sex, and gets into bed on his wedding night.

His new wife gets naked, sits on the bed, and says, "Do you know what I want?"

He says, "No."

She gets in bed, spreads her legs wide, and says, "Now do you know what I want?"

He says, "Yeah, you want the whole bed to yourself!"

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It's the final day of the annual pirate convention, and the debate over the site of next years convention begins...

One pirate says, "how about ARRRbys!", many pirates nod in agreement.

Another pirate says, "how about ARRRkansas", even more pirates are pleased at that suggestion.

A third pirate says, "how about Boston!", a confused murmur spreads across the room, "stay with me here" says the pirate, "so we can pARRRk ARRRR cARRR in the hARRRRvard yARRRd!"

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A trip to the dentist

A woman walks into a dentist's office, sits down in the chair, pulls down her pants and spreads her legs. The dentist says to her, "I think you've got the wrong place. The gynecologist's office is upstairs." The woman says back, "No mistake. You put my husband's dentures in, and now you're gonna get them out."

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They named a paint color after my ex...

It's called *Whore Red*. It's not very bright, but its cheap and spreads easily.

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Doctor tells his patient he has good news and bad news.

The patient says, "hit me with the bad news first, doc."

Doctor says, "Well, you have an inoperable brain tumor. I'm sorry."

The patient, now blubbering, asks "What possible good news could you have after something like this?"

At the question, a grin spreads across the doctor's face as he says "I'm fucking my secretary, and she's *gorgeous.*"

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A man goes to audition for the circus

A man goes to audition for the circus. The ringmaster says, "Okay, whatcha got?"

The man climbs up the acrobat's mast and dives straight down, 50 feet and picking up speed. Just as he's about to crash, he spreads his arms, lifts his head and *SWOOSH!* pulls up and zooms over the ringmaster's head. He continues flying around the tent, swooping low and somersalting mid-air before gracefully coming to a stop on the trapeze tightrope.

"Well, what do you think?" he asks.

The ringmaster replies, "That's all you got? *Bird imitations?!*"

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Why do all the ladies love Jesus?

(spreads out arms to fullest length)
Because he was hung like this.

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What's the difference between girls of our generation and peanut butter?

One spreads easily and the other is peanut butter

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A woman walks into the dentist's office...

It's kind of a crude NSFW joke I've known for years.

So a woman walks into the dentist's office, she sits in the chair, she takes her skirt off, takes her underwear off and spreads her legs waiting for the dentist.

The dentist is, obviously, shocked and begins to mutter "Miss, this must be a mistake, the Gynecologist's office is 2 blocks over..." to which the woman responds "No, it's no mistake, doctor. *You* put in my husband's dentures, *you*'ll take them out."

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I bought some blonde paint.

It isn't very bright but it spreads easily.

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A mortician hires an assistant...

On his first day the assistant rushes into the mortician's office and says "You know that good looking woman they just brought in? She's got a shrimp stuck in her pussy!"

"WHAT?! I've got to see this!" replies the mortician.

He follows his assistant to where the body is located, at which point the assistant spreads the woman's labia, and points saying "See, that's it right there!"

The mortician, struck by the ignorance of his assistant, says "That's not a shrimp, you dumbass, that's her clit."

To which the assistant replies "Oh. Well...it sure tasted like shrimp."

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Two guys are working in a morgue...

...when one guy comes in and says, "Hey man, did you see that good looking blonde they just brought in?"

"No, why?"

"She's got a shrimp sticking out of her pussy!"

"No way. You're fuckin' around."

"No, really, come see for yourself!"

They walk down to storage and open her drawer, pulling back the sheet to her knees.

"See!"

The other guy spreads her legs a little to take a closer look.

"Man, you're an idiot. That's her clit!"

"Oh," he says. "It sure tastes like shrimp."

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How do Jews do a pregnancy test?

The woman spreads her legs and the man throws a penny between them - if a hand darts out to snatch it up then it's a positive

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A new type of paint has been invented called Blonde.

It is not very bright but it spreads easily.

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An old woman goes to the dentist...

...takes off all her clothes and spreads her legs.
The dentist says "I think you have the wrong room..."
"You put in my husband's teeth last week", she replies. "Now you have to remove them."

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what size condom

A man goes into a drug store and asks the cashier for some rubbers. The cashier asks, "What size?"

The man replies, "Size? I didn't know they came in sizes."

"Yes, they do," she says, "What size do you want?"

"Well, gee, I don't know," the man answers.

The lady is used to this, so she tells him to go to out back and measure his dick by sticking it into each of the three holes in the fence. While the man is back there, the lady sneaks around to the other side of the fence and spreads her legs behind each hole as the man tests it. When the they return, the cashier asks, "What will it be? Small, medium, or large?"

The man replies, "To hell with the rubbers, give me a hundred feet of that fence back there!"

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Why did the spreadsheets get divorced?

They just couldn't sort things out.

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Why do the ladies love Jesus?

This joke makes more sense if you can see it in person, but we'll give it a shot, anyway. Use your imagination.

Why do the ladies love Jesus?

*spreads arms as far apart as they can go*

Because he was hung like this!

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A piece of butter...

A piece of butter, Joe, has lived a long, satisfying life. He's very content with it, and he realizes that he should end his life here, on a happy note. However, before he does so, he wants to cross a few things off of his "butter list".

First, Joe finds a nearby piece of toast, and hops onto it. He spreads himself out, and relaxes there for a little while. It's fun, but he still doesn't feel completely fulfilled with his life.

Next, Joe searches for a second starchy food to hang out on. He picks a bagel, and stays even longer than he did on the toast. The feeling of being split into a circle revs his engine, and it's hard for him to leave.

Finally, Joe finds a third food and spreads on it. He stays a very long time, and another piece of butter comes over to see what's going on. Joe tells him, "I wanted to experience some new things before I die. But now that I've done all of them, I think it's a good time to go. Nice knowing you!"

He is about to pass away when the other butter stops him. "Wait, Joe!" he cries. "Don't stop now; you're on a roll!"

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A lady walks into a dentist's office,

takes off all her clothes, and spreads her legs. The dentist says, ''I think you have the wrong room.''
''You put in my husband's teeth last week," the lady says, "Now you have to remove them."

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A woman walks into a dentist's office.

She promptly sits down on the seat, pulls off her pants, and spreads her legs. The dentist says 'Ma'am, you must be mistaken somehow!' and she responds, 'No, you put these dentures in my husband, and now you're gonna get them out!'

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A women goes to a dentist

She sits down and spreads her legs. "Im not sure im the right person for this" the dentist says. The women replies " I know, but you put my husbands dentures in and now your gonna take them out".

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Joe and his friends went to the costume party...

Joe and his friends went to the costume party and were really enjoying themselves.

Then a woman came in. She was wearing nothing at all, but was body-painted in white from head to toes.

The guys struggled to guess what that meant but after few drinks Joe gathered courage and went to ask.

"Excuse me, madam, we were wondering what are you dressed up as? Can you please tell us?"

The woman spreads her legs and says:

"Tooth decay, silly!"

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Your Mother and I are like peanut butter and jelly

She spreads and I jam

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My all-time favorite one liner NSFW

Why doesn't Osama bin Laden have sex with his five wives?

Because every time he spreads their legs he sees Bush.

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I have a spreadsheet wherein I track all the chocolate toffee bars I've eaten.

It's my Heath ledger.

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Three women were bragging about their boyfriends...

The first one proudly declares, my boyfriend is so kinky, he stuck his whole arm inside of me, The second girl shrugs her off and exclaims "that's nothing, my boyfriend once stuck his whole head inside me! The third one seemingly unimpressed states, "thats nothing compared to mine" as she spreads her legs and yells "BABE COME OUT OF THERE"

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One day a sailor gets on his boat named the SS Sperm whale

He notices several people looking at him wondering about the name of his boat. He decides to dispel their confusion and spreads his arms wide then says,

Hey guys! Whalecum!

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Sharing earbuds and headphones spreads disease

How do you think I got hearing aids?

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I have a spreadsheet in which I keep count of every chocolate toffee bar.

I call it my Heath ledger.

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What are the most funny Spreads jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Spreads? Well, here are the best Spreads dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Spreads pick up lines to share with friends.

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