The Best 72 Spread Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Spread jokes. There are some spread disperse jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these spread spread your legs puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Spread Jokes and Puns
I have two conditions in my will...
1) I want my remains spread around Disney World
2) I do not want to be cremated
Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven
When an old man approaches.
"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.
"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I loved him very much. Later in life he went through many trials and transformations. He spread joy and his story is told all over the world even to this day."
Jesus looks at the man, with a tear in his eye, and says "Father?"
The man looks back; "... Pinocchio?"
KKK Pastor
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
Have you guys heard the story about the butter?
You know what, never mind. I don't want to spread it around.
I went to my girlfriend's house last night for a romantic night in...
It was amazing, we had a three course meal with champagne over candle light, we then snuggled up on the sofa, to watch a movie, then, when we went up stairs, I let her get changed, while I spread rose petals over the bed, then, we had the most amazing, mind blowing sex that I've ever had, but just as I was about to finish, her parents walked in...
I am now banned from babysitting.
So last night I fell off my balcony...
Instead of falling and getting really badly hurt, I kinda just floated down to the ground... landing without a scratch.
The news spread fast and everyone was wondering how that happened. I was later asked to explain the whole event, but I couldn't. I guess I just didn't get the whole gravity of the situation.
Latvian Joke
Bus full of priests come to Latvia, spread word of God. One priest ask Latvian man "Where is children?" Latvian man respond "Children is dead from childbirth." Bus leave.
An Affair
I recently had an affair with a jar of chocolate spread ..... If you see my wife, you better Nutella
A man comes home really really drunk....
...clenching a bouquet of flowers.
He goes to the bedroom, turns on the light and in a slurry voice he says:
"Here ya go honey, these are for you.."
To which his wife angrily replies; "Oh well that's great, I guess now you expect me to spread my legs?"
The man looks at the bouquet, then back at his wife and says:
"Why, you don't have a vase?"
Have you guys heard the secret about butter?
I don't want to tell you because you might spread it around...
BONUS:
What concert is cheaper than 50 cents to attend?
50 Cent feat. Nickelback
*BUHDUMCHHH*
Is pussylips one word?
Or should I spread them apart?
You can explore spread agendas reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean spread scatter dad jokes. There are also spread puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A woman asks her husband what type of bird makes for the sexiest Halloween costume
"Should I be a spotted boobie?", asks the woman.
"Or what about a spread pink Flamingo?" "...Neither" replies the man. "If you really want men to like you, you need to be some sort of swallow."
An old woman walked into a dentist's office (mild NSFW)
took off all her clothes and spread her legs. The dentist said, ''I think you have the wrong room.''
''You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."
My father died on 9/11, I will never forget his last words
Allahu Akbar.
[Do keep in mind that this is not my joke, I just want to spread laughs]
My favorite joke from The Sopranos
A man comes home with a bouquet of flowers for his wife. "What? Do you expect me to spread my legs for you now?" says the wife. The husband replies, "honey, I love you, but i think a vase will work just fine."
Credit to Uncle Jun.
Did you hear the rumour about butter?
Never mind, I better not spread it.
What Makes ISIS Spread Faster Than The Internet?
An Airstrike.
There are three ways to spread news
telegram, television and tellawoman.
Priest and a Hindu are making breakfast..
The priest is spreading on margarine and exclaims, "Look! It's Jesus in the spread!"
Shocked, the Hindu replies, "Wow, I can't believe it's not Buddha."
LPT: If you are a minor, get rid of your bathroom mirror so you won't see yourself naked and accidentally get arrested and registered as a sex offender.
Spread the word.
Clean Shave
An old drover walks into a barber shop in Black Stump Crossing, NT, Aussie, for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old drover to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old drover tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in yonks, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."
Frustrated Prostitute.
There was this hard working prostitute who had been working 18 hours a day for more than a decade.She had a quite a bit of money but money wasn't what she wanted anymore, she was sick of her job,her life ,EVERYTHING.One day she decided to end her miserable life and she lied down on a train track with her legs spread apart. The next day it was all over the news "Local Train Missing".
Did you guys hear the rumor about the butter?
I don't know if I should spread it.
As I spread my girlfriend's legs I thought to myself...
This is the strangest thing I've ever had on toast.
So, I brought my girlfriend some flowers today...
she looked at me, sighed and said, "I guess I'll have to spread my legs now."
so I asked her, "why, don't you have a vase?"
hahahahaha
just kidding...
I don't have a girlfriend
The word of the day is "legs"
Wanna come over and spread the word?
Man offers a drink to a woman at a party.
Woman: No thanks, whisky is bad for my legs.
Man: Legs? Thats strange, do they pain or swell?
Woman: No, they spread.
A blind man and his mistress.
A blind guy visited his choir mistress at home and found her bathing. Since he was blind, she let him in.
After bathing, she came out naked, spread her legs and started shaving in front of him. She tried to make a conversation by asking him, Brother John, what brings you here? Is everything OK at home?
He replied, Yes, very fine. I came to tell you that I have done the eye surgery and I can see very clearly now.
What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
The outlaws are wanted
*shoutout to the customer that called in and ended the phone call with a joke to spread some cheer*
Would you rather feel the pain of your toes bring crushed in an instant, or spread out over a few years?
In other words, here are your brand new safety shoes.
Did you hear the rumor going around about butter?
Never mind, I shouldn't spread it.
Mother and son in Grocery store.
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.
"What are you doing?" his mother asked.
"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained.
"I'm looking for the seal." - collected
The Old Cowboy's Shave
An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Red Lodge, Montana for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.
The barber replied, Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does .
Did you hear the rumor about the butter?
It's okay. I shouldn't spread it
What do peanut butter and prostitutes have in common?
They both spread for bread.
A man walks into a Bar.
A man walks into a bar and sees a very attractive woman sitting by herself and asks, May I buy you a cocktail?
"No thank you," she replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs."
"Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
"No, they spread."
A man wanted to prove to his wife that he loved her more than sex...
so he bought her a lovely bouquet of roses. Despite his good intentions the devoted husband received a suspicious look when he handed her the flowers. I suppose now you expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs spread , said the wife. Why? asked the husband, Don't we have a vase?
Why did ancient Romans not exchange high fives?
They didn't want to spread HIV.
A man was in confession asking for forgiveness at his local church.
Man: Father I have sinned.
Yesterday my wife was leaning against the sofa and she was wearing a short Dress she looked so sexy I couldn't control myself. I went up behind her and spread her legs and started ramming her from behind uncontrollably.
Priest: oh no no they don't like that sort of behaviour is heaven.
Man: No they don't like it in Walmart either.
Two blondes are having a coffee at the local cafe.
They see a flower delivery truck pull up in front of the apartment building across the street and the delivery guy goes inside. The first blonde remarks "You know, whenever my boyfriend gets me flowers, he expects me to keep my legs spread for a week."
The second blonde replies "Don't you have a vase?"
From what I've read, people were a lot more serious about invasive plant species 30 or 40 years ago.
A lot of people were writing about stopping the spread of the Soviet onion.
COVID 19 is like Pasta
Asians invented it, Italians spread it.
Is buttcheeks one word...
or should I spread them apart?
The spread of Corona Virus is based on 2 factors:
1. How dense the population is.
2. How dense the population is.
I'm glad China only spread a virus and not a bear.
Otherwise we'd have a pandademic.
I like my women how I like my Corona viruses
Easy to get, quick to spread and leaving me out of breath
I like my women like I like COVID
19, breathtaking, and easily spread
Your momma so ugly
Governments across the world conspired to spread a pandemic to get her to wear a mask.
What's the difference between COVID-19 and your mom?
COVID-19 doesn't spread *nearly* as fast.
I wear a mask. Not because I want to, but because it is considerate of others and helps stop the spread of particulates.
I also wear underwear. Not because I want to, but...
I like my women how I like my Covid...
...19 and easily spread.
The spread of coronavirus within a country depends on two factors:
1) How dense the country's population is
2) How dense the country's population is
I'm scared of 5G
It will only allow idiots to spread their conspiracy theories faster.
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well, I'm not going to spread it!
Is buttcheeks one word?
Or do you have to spread them apart?
An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut
He asks the barber, "do you think you can get all my whiskers off? My cheeks are so wrinkled from age".
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does".
Two housewives who are friends meet, one says:
"Yesterday my husband bought me 20 red roses. Guess I'll have to spread my legs for two weeks".
"How so?" asks the other. "Don't you have a vase?"
A guy comes home with flowers for his wife. She says I guess I'll have to spread my legs now huh? He says ....
Why?!? Don't you have a vase?
There are two things that determine the spread of coronavirus
1. The density of the population
2. The density of the population
I like my girls like my covid
19 and easily spread
A wife was mad at her husband so after work, he bought a huge bouquet of flowers. He comes home and presents the beautiful arrangement to his wife. She says: Do you expect me to spread my legs for this?
He asks, Don't we have a vase?
How is a joke like an animal?
When you dissect it, it dies.
Get it? Because just like when you take apart an animal to see how it works, it obviously can't be alive anymore, by the same logic, picking apart the inner workings of a joke by over-explaining the punchline is going to kill the humorous spirit it carries; it would be ridiculous to expect a cat with its stomach contents spread out across a table to get up and catch a rat, and it would be similarly unfathomable to expect a joke with its punchline spelled out over a dozen lines of text to still produce a guffaw. How anyone...
What do aliens spread on their toast?
Space jam.
An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have
happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball. The barber replied, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.
What does a stripper and peanut butter have in common.
They both spread for bread.
I have a COVID-19 joke
...but I don't want to spread it.
I had a great joke about COVID...
but I don't wanna spread it around.
Heard about the new covid variant just discovered? Makes you sweat marmalade!
It's ok, health officials are certain they can contain the spread.
Scientists are worried about a new variant of COVID that makes you sweat mayonnaise...
...but don't worry, they're confident they can contain the spread.
How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 1000 to spread propaganda claiming it never burnt out
Did I ever tell you the joke about the butter?
Actually I'd better not, you'll just spread it around.
I have two simple wishes for when I die
1. I want my remains to be spread all over Disney World
2. I don't want to be cremated
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the spread lambs jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working spread margarine piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.