JokoJokes

Spread Jokes

161 spread jokes and hilarious spread puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about spread that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Looking for a good laugh? This article explores the different ways we "spread" jokes. From the thin line between humor and hurtful, to the variety of topics that can be joked about, this piece takes a humorous look at the world of humor. Join in on the fun and learn how to spread your jokes around with a little help from nutella, agendas, and even the pandemic!

Funniest Spread Short Jokes

Short spread jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The spread humour may include short share jokes also.

  1. Ever wonder how a Jehovah's Witness spreads their word during Covid? Now that you're here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?
  2. I have two conditions in my will... 1) I want my remains spread around Disney World
    2) I do not want to be cremated
  3. Two years ago we'd never heard of gender reveal parties. Now they're spreading like wildfire.
  4. I've figured out that the spread of Covid-19 over the past couple years has been due to two factors. 1. How dense the population is.
    2. How dense the population is.
  5. What's the difference between COVID-19 and your mom? COVID-19 doesn't spread *nearly* as fast.
  6. As I spread my girlfriend's legs I thought to myself... This is the strangest thing I've ever had on toast.
  7. I like my women how I like my Corona viruses Easy to get, quick to spread and leaving me out of breath
  8. Did you know, that if you take all of the human organs and spread them out on a football field. You get arrested
  9. Your momma so ugly Governments across the world conspired to spread a pandemic to get her to wear a mask.
  10. Did you hear about the new paint called "blonde" paint? It's not very bright but it spreads easily.

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Spread One Liners

Which spread one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with spread? I can suggest the ones about distribution and expand.

  1. Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!
  2. COVID 19 is like Pasta Asians invented it, Italians spread it.
  3. I like my women how I like my COVID 19, breathtaking, and easy to spread
  4. I like my women like I like COVID 19, breathtaking, and easily spread
  5. I had a great joke about COVID... but I don't wanna spread it around.
  6. For me, getting girls is like spreading butter... It's much easier with a knife.
  7. I'm glad China only spread a virus and not a bear. Otherwise we'd have a pandademic.
  8. The word of the day is "legs" Wanna come over and spread the word?
  9. Did you guys hear the rumor about the butter? I don't know if I should spread it.
  10. I like my girls like my covid 19 and easily spread
  11. Did you hear the rumour about butter? Never mind, I better not spread it.
  12. I'm scared of 5G It will only allow idiots to spread their conspiracy theories faster.
  13. There are three ways to spread news telegram, television and tellawoman.
  14. Did you hear the rumor going around about butter? Never mind, I shouldn't spread it.
  15. What Makes ISIS Spread Faster Than The Internet? An Airstrike.

Covid Spread Jokes

Here is a list of funny covid spread jokes and even better covid spread puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Yo mama so fat.. .. She spread more than covid
  • I like my women how I like my Covid... ...19 and easily spread.
  • Why does Leonardo DiCaprio like Covid? 19 and easy to spread
  • I like my girls how I like my Covid. 19 and easily spread.
  • I have a joke about COVID But I'm trying not to spreading it
  • I have a COVID-19 joke ...but I don't want to spread it.
  • Scientists are worried about a new variant of COVID that makes you sweat mayonnaise... ...but don't worry, they're confident they can contain the spread.
  • Everyone should be able to grasp the concept that COVID-19 spreads quickly. Even the president gets it.
  • Wife got COVID through me She said "Finally after 15 years of marriage, you're spreading positivity".
  • Heard about the new covid variant just discovered? Makes you sweat marmalade! It's ok, health officials are certain they can contain the spread.

Spread Thin Jokes

Here is a list of funny spread thin jokes and even better spread thin puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I used to really like entropy jokes But now I feel like they're spread too thin.
  • I used to hate Vegemite, but I read that you only need to put a thin spread to enjoy it It's been much better. The cat is eating the whole thing now.
  • How many black people does it to pave a driveway? One. You just have to spread him real thin.
  • Why did the s**... bomber stop going to work? His career blew up in his face, and now he was spread too thin.
Spread joke, Why did the s**... bomber stop going to work?

Spread Your Legs Jokes

Here is a list of funny spread your legs jokes and even better spread your legs puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Man offers a drink to a woman at a party. Woman: No thanks, whisky is bad for my legs.
    Man: Legs? Thats strange, do they pain or swell?
    Woman: No, they spread.
  • A guy comes home with flowers for his wife. She says I guess I'll have to spread my legs now huh? He says .... Why?!? Don't you have a vase?
  • Two housewives who are friends meet, one says: "Yesterday my husband bought me 20 red roses. Guess I'll have to spread my legs for two weeks".
    "How so?" asks the other. "Don't you have a vase?"
  • A guy brings his girlfriend a bouquet of flowers "Well I guess I'll have to spread my legs now" she says.
    Guy says "What for!? Don't you have a vase?"
  • A guy comes home with a bouquet flowers for his wife. *"I guess I'll have to spread my legs now"*, she says.
    *"Why?"* He asks, *"don't you have a vase?"*
  • Man: May I buy you a drink, pretty lady? Woman: No thanks, alcohol is bad for my legs.
    Man: Do they swell?
    Woman: No, they spread
  • Today's word is Legs. Spread the word.
  • My wife's legs are like the peanut butter I left in the fridge. Won't spread.
  • Why do moths fly with their legs spread? Have you ever seen the size of mothballs?
  • Man takes a bunch of flowers home Man takes a bunch of flowers home for his wife.
    She says ""I suppose I will have to spread my legs now".
    He says "Why, haven't you got a vase"

Spread Legs Jokes

Here is a list of funny spread legs jokes and even better spread legs puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A man gets a bouquet of flowers for his wife. The wife asks him Now I got to spread my legs? . He replies Why? Don't we have a vase?
  • Spreading girls's legs is alot like spreading butter You can do it with a credit card, but it's much easier with a knife
  • What's the good word? Legs.
    Spread the word.
  • Guy: Can I buy you a drink?
    Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.
    Guy: Do they swell?
    Girl: No. They spread.
  • What's the similarity between butter and a girls legs? They both taste best when spread.
  • Happy Valentine's day! Do you know what the word of the day is? Legs!.....Should we go back to my place and spread the word?
  • A man and woman were at a bar Man: Hey, how about I offer you a drink
    Woman: No thanks, they are bad for my legs
    Man: Do they swell?
    Woman: No, they spread.
  • I went to my new male Gynecologist and he said to spread my legs so that he could numb it down there. So he went down and went numnumnumnumnumnum
  • Spreading rumors? At least you're spreading something else besides your legs.
  • Woman to her girlfriend: My husband got me a dozen roses; tonight I guess I have no choice but to spread eagle with my legs in the air. Girlfriend: Don't you have a vase?
Spread joke, Woman to her girlfriend: My husband got me a dozen roses; tonight I guess I have no choice but to sp

Amusing & Witty Spread Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun

What funny jokes about spread you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean split jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make spread pranks.

Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven

When an old man approaches.
"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.
"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I loved him very much. Later in life he went through many trials and transformations. He spread joy and his story is told all over the world even to this day."
Jesus looks at the man, with a tear in his eye, and says "Father?"
The man looks back; "... Pinocchio?"

k**... Pastor

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux k**....
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux k**.... I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

Have you guys heard the story about the butter?

You know what, never mind. I don't want to spread it around.

I went to my girlfriend's house last night for a romantic night in...

It was amazing, we had a three course meal with champagne over candle light, we then snuggled up on the sofa, to watch a movie, then, when we went up stairs, I let her get changed, while I spread rose petals over the bed, then, we had the most amazing, mind blowing s**... that I've ever had, but just as I was about to finish, her parents walked in...
I am now banned from babysitting.

So last night I fell off my balcony...

Instead of falling and getting really badly hurt, I kinda just floated down to the ground... landing without a scratch.
The news spread fast and everyone was wondering how that happened. I was later asked to explain the whole event, but I couldn't. I guess I just didn't get the whole gravity of the situation.

Latvian Joke

Bus full of priests come to Latvia, spread word of God. One priest ask Latvian man "Where is children?" Latvian man respond "Children is dead from childbirth." Bus leave.

An Affair

I recently had an affair with a jar of chocolate spread ..... If you see my wife, you better nutella

A man comes home really really drunk....

...clenching a bouquet of flowers.
He goes to the bedroom, turns on the light and in a slurry voice he says:
"Here ya go honey, these are for you.."
To which his wife angrily replies; "Oh well that's great, I guess now you expect me to spread my legs?"
The man looks at the bouquet, then back at his wife and says:
"Why, you don't have a vase?"

Have you guys heard the secret about butter?

I don't want to tell you because you might spread it around...
BONUS:
What concert is cheaper than 50 cents to attend?
50 Cent feat. Nickelback
*BUHDUMCHHH*

Is p**... one word?

Or should I spread them apart?

What do you do if you step on a landmine?

Well standard procedure is to jump 50 feet and spread over a wide area.

A woman asks her husband what type of bird makes for the sexiest Halloween costume

"Should I be a spotted b**...?", asks the woman.
"Or what about a spread pink Flamingo?" "...Neither" replies the man. "If you really want men to like you, you need to be some sort of s**...."

A blond and a brunette are sitting on a porch...

The brunette looks out and sees her husband approaching with flowers. The brunette says: "Oh look, flowers, looks like I'll be having my legs spread open all weekend long..." The blonde replies: "Why? Don't you have a vase?"

My father died on 9/11, I will never forget his last words

Allahu Akbar.
[Do keep in mind that this is not my joke, I just want to spread laughs]

My favorite joke from The Sopranos

A man comes home with a bouquet of flowers for his wife. "What? Do you expect me to spread my legs for you now?" says the wife. The husband replies, "honey, I love you, but i think a vase will work just fine."
Credit to Uncle Jun.

Priest and a Hindu are making breakfast..

The priest is spreading on margarine and exclaims, "Look! It's Jesus in the spread!"
Shocked, the hindu replies, "Wow, I can't believe it's not Buddha."

What's a neckbeard's favorite spread?

Marm'lady

LPT: If you are a minor, get rid of your bathroom mirror so you won't see yourself n**... and accidentally get arrested and registered as a s**... offender.

Spread the word.

Clean Shave

An old drover walks into a barber shop in Black Stump Crossing, NT, Aussie, for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old drover to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old drover tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in yonks, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

Frustrated p**....

There was this hard working p**... who had been working 18 hours a day for more than a decade.She had a quite a bit of money but money wasn't what she wanted anymore, she was sick of her job,her life ,EVERYTHING.One day she decided to end her miserable life and she lied down on a train track with her legs spread apart. The next day it was all over the news "Local Train Missing".

Last requests

After I die, I have 2 requests on what shall happen to me.
1) I want my remains spread around Disney world.
2) I do not wish to be cremated

So, I brought my girlfriend some flowers today...

she looked at me, sighed and said, "I guess I'll have to spread my legs now."
so I asked her, "why, don't you have a vase?"
hahahahaha
just kidding...
I don't have a girlfriend

As a citizen from Baltic states

Hello Russia, my old friend
You've come to talk to me again
New SovietRussia vision softly creeping
You've spread your seeds while we were sleeping
And the vision that was planted in your brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence

A blind man and his mistress.

A blind guy visited his choir mistress at home and found her bathing. Since he was blind, she let him in.
After bathing, she came out n**..., spread her legs and started shaving in front of him. She tried to make a conversation by asking him, Brother John, what brings you here? Is everything OK at home?
He replied, Yes, very fine. I came to tell you that I have done the eye surgery and I can see very clearly now.

What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

The outlaws are wanted
*shoutout to the customer that called in and ended the phone call with a joke to spread some cheer*

Would you rather feel the pain of your toes bring crushed in an instant, or spread out over a few years?

In other words, here are your brand new safety shoes.

Mother and son in Grocery store.

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.
"What are you doing?" his mother asked.
"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained.
"I'm looking for the seal." - collected

Spreading stuff on toast?

That's my jam.

The Old Cowboy's Shave

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Red Lodge, Montana for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.
The barber replied, Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does .

Did you hear the rumor about the butter?

It's okay. I shouldn't spread it

Why did o**... Bin Laden kill his wife?

When she spread her legs he saw bush.

What do peanut butter and prostitutes have in common?

They both spread for bread.

I want to tell you a joke about butter...

...but you have to promise you won't spread it around.

A man walks into a Bar.

A man walks into a bar and sees a very attractive woman sitting by herself and asks, May I buy you a cocktail?

"No thank you," she replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs."

"Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

"No, they spread."

Have you heard the gossip about butter?

Actually, nah I shouldn't spread it.

A man wanted to prove to his wife that he loved her more than s**......

so he bought her a lovely bouquet of roses. Despite his good intentions the devoted husband received a suspicious look when he handed her the flowers. I suppose now you expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs spread , said the wife. Why? asked the husband, Don't we have a vase?

Two women are having lunch on Valentine's Day

One says to the other "Do you and your husband have any romantic plans for tonight?"
The second scoffs "Oh, please. These days, he just buys me a half-dozen roses, and expects me to get on my back and spread my legs."
The first looks confused "Don't you have a vase you could put them in?"

If I had a vaccine for every b**... news article that's been spread about by stay at home moms on Facebook

I would have autism.

Why did ancient Romans not exchange high fives?

They didn't want to spread h**....

A man went to the doctor with an infection that started in his hand, but spread to his whole arm.

The doctor said that the infection was getting out-of-hand.

A man was in confession asking for forgiveness at his local church.

Man: Father I have sinned.
Yesterday my wife was leaning against the sofa and she was wearing a short Dress she looked so s**... I couldn't control myself. I went up behind her and spread her legs and started ramming her from behind uncontrollably.
Priest: oh no no they don't like that sort of behaviour is heaven.
Man: No they don't like it in Walmart either.

You guys hear the rare joke about the butter?

I would tell you but you might spread it...

Two blondes are having a coffee at the local cafe.

They see a flower delivery truck pull up in front of the apartment building across the street and the delivery guy goes inside. The first blonde remarks "You know, whenever my boyfriend gets me flowers, he expects me to keep my legs spread for a week."
The second blonde replies "Don't you have a vase?"

I was laying in my hotel room bed, n**... and spread eagle, when the cleaning lady comes in.

Finally.

(Dad Joke) You know the best way to catch a polar bear, right?

First, you could have giant hole in the ice at least 20 foot around. Then you take several bags of frozen peas and open them up and spread them all around the whole nice and even.
Then, when the bear comes up to take a pee you kick him in the ice hole.

From what I've read, people were a lot more serious about invasive plant species 30 or 40 years ago.

A lot of people were writing about stopping the spread of the Soviet onion.

Is b**... one word...

or should I spread them apart?

An old woman walked into a dentist's office

took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week,"
she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

The spread of Corona Virus is based on 2 factors:

1. How dense the population is.
2. How dense the population is.

Why did Jesus speak to women first when he was resurrected?

Because he wanted the news to spread as quickly as possible.

Yo mama is like the coronavirus

She keeps trying to spread, but nobody wants her.

I have a Genuine question. Is b**... one word?

Or should I spread them apart?

My therapist told me that it's important to spread positivity.

Which has saved me a bunch of money on condoms.

I wear a mask. Not because I want to, but because it is considerate of others and helps stop the spread of particulates.

I also wear underwear. Not because I want to, but...

The spread of coronavirus within a country depends on two factors:

1) How dense the country's population is
2) How dense the country's population is

A new disease in France turns people into bread.

French authorities are unable to contain the spread, and the disease begins to make its way through Europe and to the rest of the world.
It's a paindemic.

Is b**... one word?

Or do you have to spread them apart?

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut

He asks the barber, "do you think you can get all my whiskers off? My cheeks are so wrinkled from age".
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does".

There are two things that determine the spread of coronavirus

1. The density of the population
2. The density of the population

Spread joke, There are two things that determine the spread of coronavirus

jokes about spread