sport Jokes

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table.

Q: Why there are many bubbles on the pool's water?
A: Swimmers are farting.

A sports expert is the guy who writes the best alibis for being wrong.

Q: Why is horse racing so romantic?
A: Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.

Why was the baseball player a bad sport? He stole third base and then went home!

A Giants fan, a Padre fan, and a Dodger fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves his team more. The Padre fan insists he's the most loyal. "This is for San Diego!" he yells and jumps off the side of the mountain. Not to be outdone, the Giants fan is next to profess his love for his team. He yells, "This is for San Francisco!" and pushes the Dodger fan off the mountain.

Why did the volleyball player cross the road? There are players on the other side.

Why are spiders great tennis players? Cause they have great topspin.

What is an astronaut's favorite key on a keyboard? Space!

Chuck Norris once won the Iditarod by pulling his team of dogs on the sled.

Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student? Because education pays off in the long run!

Did you hear they banned fans from doing "The Wave" at all sports events? Too many blondes were drowning.

Chuck norris went skydiving and his parachute failed to open, so he took it back the next day for a refund

Paddy asks Murphy, 'Why do scuba divers fall off their boats backwards?"
Murphy replies, "If they fell forwards they'd still be on the f*cking boat!"

Q: What's the difference between hockey player and hippie girl?
A: Hockey player will take shower after 3 periods.

I need some band-aids I'm getting cut from all this working out.

I am known at the gym as the "before picture."

Yo mama so fat when she went sky diving in a blue jump suit, all the kids below said, "Ahhhh! The sky is falling!"

Q: Who is the most skillful goal keeper in the world?
A: All women; they never allow any ball enters.

When watching any game of woman's sport you must always spare minutes silence and think of all the men who will go without dinner tonight.

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in London.
The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus.
The Blonde team rides on the top level.
The Brunette team down below is living it up having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.
She decides to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
She says, "What the heck's going on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

Q: How many snowboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 50: 3 to die trying, 1 to actually pull it off, and 46 other to say, "man, I could do that!"

Goes to the gym, lays on the mat to stretch, falls asleep.

Sports news report: The United... States that they Ghana win.

If you're violent but also creative, try paintball.

Four men were stranded in a desert.
Suddenly, 1 of them died.
The other 3 decided that the only way to survive was to eat the dead body.
The 1st man said, "I support Liverpool, so I'll eat his liver."
The 2nd man said, "I support Manchester, so I'll eat his chest."
The 3rd man said, "I support Arsenal... but I'm not very hungry!"

I know Jiu-Jitsu, Sambo, Judo, Aikido and lots of other scary words.

Why did the teacher jump into the water? She wanted to test the water!

You should be wearing a jersey so i dont have to ask for your name or number

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection.
They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.
When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth.
The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.
The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity.
He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was.
The rabbit declared that he had the same problem.
Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.
The snake agreed and started by winding himself around the rabbit.
After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"
The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity and proceeded to return the favor to the snake.
After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"

If you can go to the gym without telling people on the Internet, you are instantly hired by the CIA.

Why was it so hot in the stadium after the baseball game? All the fans left!

Wanna play guns? Bend over and I'll cock you.

I think football would become an even better game if someone could invent a ball that kicks back.

On a Roman warship, the galley boss looked over his slaves and shouted, "Today I have good news. All of you are getting extra food tonight."
The slaves all looked at him in silence, except one decrepit old man in the back, who moaned, "Oh God, no, not again."
A new slave next to him asked, "Why are you moaning?"
"This only happens when the Captain's nephew wants to water ski."

Yo' Mama is so fat, people use her butt cheeks for a ski slope.

What tea do hockey players drink? Penaltea!

What do hookers and the Dolphins have in common? They both have hundreds of balls pounded into their endzone every week.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

Yo mama so stupid I told her I was going to the Super Bowl and she told me not to forget a spoon.

Why do orphans like playing tennis?
Because it's the only love they get.

Q: What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A: A baseball bat.

Baseball is my favorite sport, because you can play it on a professional level with food in your mouth.

Woke up early to go for a run and got as far as still laying here.

Why did the referees stop the leper hockey game? There was a face-off in the corner.

I park in the farthest spot possible at the gym for the added benefit of eating my croissan'wich without being judged by people walking by.

The Karate Kid killed caught a fly with two chopsticks, Chuck Norris killed a rhino with one.

Q: What do you call black people in a swimming pool?
A: Coco puffs.
Q: What do u call mexicans in the swimming pool?
A: Reeces puffs reeces puffs!

Kobe Bryant wears the number 24 to remind himself about how many seconds he has to hog the ball.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

It's game 7 of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court. He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there. He responds, "No, the seat's empty." "The first man exclaims, "What?!? Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?" The neighbor responds, "Well the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we haven't been together." The first man responds," I'm sorry to hear that. Wasn't there anyone else, a friend or relative, that could've taken that seat?" The neighbor responds, "No, they're all at the funeral."

Did you hear about the athlete who wore two jackets when she painted the house? The instructions on the can said: "Put on two coats."

Q: What did the basketball say to the player?
A: Please don't shoot me.

All pro athletes are 
bilingual. They speak English and profanity.

Chuck Norris can bungee jump with out a rope.

If procrastionation was an Olympic sport, I'd compete in it later.

They used to time me with a stopwatch... now they use a calendar.

Autocorrect changed Morning Run to Morning Rum. Change Of Plans, Guys!

What happens to lacrosse players who go blind? They become referees.

What's the best place to shop for a soccer shirt? New Jersey!

Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets to a football game. Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so. "I think so, too," said Mabel. "Let's go!" They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half. They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister. "I guess we can go home now, Mabel," she said. "This is where we came in."

A couple of years ago the english national team was about to start training in preparation for an important qualifying match when the manager at the time, Sven-Goran Eriksson, discovered a big turd in one of the penalty areas on the practice pitch.
Ok boys, he said, who's shit on the ground?
Emile Heskey replied:
"Me coach, but I'm good in the air!"

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners.
The Lamaze class was in full swing.
The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher.
Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" asked the instructor.
"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

I don't have a Fitbit. But I have a couple of fat bits.

Your mama so fat, that she can use herself as a bowling ball and get 10 strikes in all of the lanes!

Why is a baseball game a good place to go on a hot day? Because there are lots of fans.

A man walks into a bar with a dog.
The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here."
"You don't understand," says the man.
"This is no regular dog, he can talk."
"Listen, pal," says the bartender.
"If that dog can talk, I'll give you a hundred bucks.
"The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, "What's on top of a house?"
"Roof!" "Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?" "Bark!"
"And who's the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!"
"I guess you've heard enough," says the man.
"I'll take the hundred in twenties."
The bartender is furious. "Listen, pal," he says, "get out of here before I belt you."
As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, "Do you think I should have said 'DiMaggio'?"

Why is sex like a bridge game? You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

What you call a wrecking ball, Chuck Norris calls a punching bag.

What's the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler. Usain Bolt can finish a race.

Q: Why can't white people swim?
A: Cause they get soggy.

When Chuck Norris goes to a BBL cricket game, he doesn't watch out for the big hits from the players, the big hits watch out for him!

"If we don't change the direction we're going, we're likely to end up at the wrong end."
"People who go out of their way to help others have great taste."
"An eye for an eye leaves everybody blind, but not hungry."
"Don't give up though the pace seems slow, you may succeed at another morgue."
"A journey of a hundred trillion cells begins with a single nibble."
"The only difference between a big shot and a little shot is that the big shot takes longer to chew."
"It's all right to have little butterflies in your stomach. In fact, I'd say a trip to the elementary school play is a wonderful idea."
"You don't know what your appetite can get away with until you try. Or are tried."
"If you carry your childhood with you, you should probably go the bathroom soon."
"Never keep up with Joneses. Have them over for dinner."
"Let your hook always be cast. In the pool where you least expect it, will be a very startled swimmer."

How did Jesus get in such good shape? Crossfit.

Superman is faster then a speeding bullet.
Chuck Norris just runs Superman down and keeps going.

Why is it not good to play tennis in a court? Because you might get arrested.

I really lack the words to compliment myself today.

Why are badminton players so loud? Because they are always making a racket!

I get most of my daily exercise from shrugging.

There are these two guys named John and Cliff.
They were best friends and were so obsessed with baseball that they would go to 60 games a year and analyze every scoreboard.
They even promised each other that when one of them goes to heaven, the deceased one would come back and tell the other whether there was baseball in heaven or not.
One night Cliff dies in his sleep after watching a Chicago White Sox game — Chicago won, so at least he died a happy man.
The next day Cliff returns to earth to see his friend.
"Hi, John.”"
"Cliff, is it really you?"
"Hey, I told you I’d be back to tell you what’s up. And, you know John, there’s good news and bad news."
"Okay. What’s the good news?"
"There is baseball in heaven."
"The bad news?"
"You’re pitching tomorrow night."

One recent Sunday, a young boy arrived to his Sunday school class late.
His teacher knew that the boy was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.
The boy replied no, that he was going to go fishing, but that his dad told him that he needed to go to church instead.
The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his father had explained to him why it was more important to go to church rather than to go fishing.
To which the boy replied, "Yes, ma'am, he did.
My dad said that he didn't have enough bait for both of us."

What race is never run? A swimming race.

My dog Minton ate all my shuttlecocks. Bad Minton.

What did the shuttlecock say when it got hit? Who's making all the racquet?

Q:What's the hardest thing about learning to play tennis?
A:Telling your parents that your gay!

What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.
For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived.
Everything went quite well.
As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the patients complied by standing up.
After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they all sat back down in their seats.
After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts."
They all broke out into applause and cheered.
When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts" and they all started booing and cat calling.
Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.
When he turned, there was a riot in progress.
Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world happened?"
The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, 'peanuts'".

What does NBA stand for Niggas Boucing Around.

Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
A: Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!

How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.

What's a mexicans' favorite sport?
Cross country.

How many snowboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 50: 3 to die trying, 1 to actually pull it off, and 46 other to say, "man, I could do that!"

Q: Why can women play hockey?
A: Because they have to change their pads after every period.

In France, Chuck Norris accidentally won Tour de France by exercise bike.

Q: What do you get if you cross a football team with a flower center?
A: Nottingham forest.

I would tell a swimming joke, but I think it's too watered-down to be funny.

Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

Q: What do you call a bench full of white people?
A: The MLB.

Chuck Norris can break his opponents serve with an ace.

Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A: A bad golfer goes *Whack!* "Darn!", but a bad skydiver goes "Darn!" *WHACK!*