sport Jokes

funny sport jokes and hilarious stories

INTRODUCTION

What are Sport jokes? Sport jokes are one of the most funny and hilarious. Here is list with the Top 394 sport jokes to have fun with friends and family. Most famous jokes about sport ever. Funniest sport sayings and gags.

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BEST SPORT JOKES

What are the best sport jokes? First are the Top 10 Sport jokes of all time. They are selected among the best 394 sport ever told. Below are some new and well-known jokes.

Yo mom is so dumb that she thought Dunkin' Donuts was a basketball team.

One recent Sunday, a young boy arrived to his Sunday school class late.
His teacher knew that the boy was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.
The boy replied no, that he was going to go fishing, but that his dad told him that he needed to go to church instead.
The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his father had explained to him why it was more important to go to church rather than to go fishing.
To which the boy replied, "Yes, ma'am, he did.
My dad said that he didn't have enough bait for both of us."

church dad fish school

Q: What do you call a pig who knows karate?
A: Pork Chop.

animal communication

I really lack the words to compliment myself today.

motivational

What do a dentist and a tennis coach have in common? They both use drills!

doctor puns work

I park in the farthest spot possible at the gym for the added benefit of eating my croissan'wich without being judged by people walking by.

attitude health

Q: What has 18 legs and catches flies?
A: A baseball team.

Q:How do sport players stay cool in game?
A:They stay in front of some fans!

I wear two pairs of pants when I go golfing. People always ask me why I do. I say, "I wear two pants when's I golf just in case I get a hole-in-one.

animal puns

Q:Why don't hockey players drink tea?
A:Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.

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FUNNY SPORT JOKES

What are the funniest sport jokes of all time? Laugh with some of the best sport funny lines ever said. Here are the rest of all 394 jokes that are about sport.

Kobe Bryant wears the number 24 to remind himself about how many seconds he has to hog the ball.

Why do soccer players do so well in math? They know how to use their heads!

A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even own bikes...

If you're violent but also creative, try paintball.

Q: What's the difference between basketball and sex?
A: In basketball you dribble before you shoot!

The fantasy part of fantasy football is that 10 wives would all let their husbands out on the same night for the draft.

Guy: "You see doc, the problem is obesity runs in the family."
Doctor: "No, the problem is no one runs in your family."

A Giants fan, a Padre fan, and a Dodger fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves his team more. The Padre fan insists he's the most loyal. "This is for San Diego!" he yells and jumps off the side of the mountain. Not to be outdone, the Giants fan is next to profess his love for his team. He yells, "This is for San Francisco!" and pushes the Dodger fan off the mountain.

Q: How many UNC fans does it take to change a tire? A: Four: three to tap the keg and one to call daddy.

I don't have a Fitbit. But I have a couple of fat bits.

When I get a dog I'm going to name him five miles so I can say I walk five miles every day.

Q: What's the difference between England and a teabag?
A: A teabag could stay in the cup for longer.

Chuck was once on the Olympics and he won all the medals but he was disqualifyed for roundhouse kicking the judges because they misspelled his name.

A sports expert is the guy who writes the best alibis for being wrong.

Chuck Norris can break his opponents serve with an ace.

While vacationing in France, Chuck Norris went out for a casual bike ride and accidentally won the Tour de France.

Q: Why can women play hockey?
A: Because they have to change their pads after every period.

On a Roman warship, the galley boss looked over his slaves and shouted, "Today I have good news. All of you are getting extra food tonight."
The slaves all looked at him in silence, except one decrepit old man in the back, who moaned, "Oh God, no, not again."
A new slave next to him asked, "Why are you moaning?"
"This only happens when the Captain's nephew wants to water ski."

How do you flick off a Green Bay Packer fan? Hold four fingers up!

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

USA's been so good at the Olympics, it's trumped the rest!

What's a mexicans' favorite sport?
Cross country.

A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex." The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life. When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said, "Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting," his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep. The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, "I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?" His mate said smiling, 'Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!." The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, "Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick."

Q: Who is the most skillful goal keeper in the world?
A: All women; they never allow any ball enters.

Why can't you play badminton in the jungle? Because there are too many cheetahs.

He can't decide whether to have his visor half open or half closed.

Chuck Norris once ran in a movie marathon.... and won.

Why did the referees stop the leper hockey game? There was a face-off in the corner.

The more I practice boxing, the more unclear and obscure things are around me.

Three men go on a skiing trip, but when they get to the HOTEL they find out that the hotel have mucked up their rooms and they have to share one big bed.
When they wake up the guy on the left says I had a well strange dream last night that I was getting a hand job, and then the guy on the right goes thats strange O had the same dream I was getting a hand job.
Then the guy in the middle goes well thats strange because I had a dream I was skiing!

Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

Can't throw the ball, kept on bouncing away: situation is out of hand.

Why didn't the dog want to play football? It was a boxer!

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

Yo momma so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!

Tennis would be way more exciting if they used dogs for ball boys.

After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's ball-related recreational preferences:
The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is basketball.
The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling.
The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is football.
The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball.
The sport of choice for middle management is tennis.
The sport of choice for corporate officers is golf.
Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

Baseball is my favorite sport, because you can play it on a professional level with food in your mouth.

Where do zombies like to go swimming? The Dead Sea.

A man farts in bed next to his wife.
His wife asks, "What in the world was that?"
He replies, "Touchdown. I'm winning, seven nothing."
She decides to get even, so she lets one loose.
He yells at her, "What was that?"
She replies, "Touchdown, tie score."
He wants to get her back, but he tries so hard he sh*ts in bed.
The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"
He replies, "Halftime, switch sides."

Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets to a football game. Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so. "I think so, too," said Mabel. "Let's go!" They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half. They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister. "I guess we can go home now, Mabel," she said. "This is where we came in."

Football gave me a traumatic brain injury and I was only watching.

Chuck Norris became famous when he coached the American rugby and America won the fifa world cup.

What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.

After meeting with Chuck Norris' lawyer the UFC have changed their name from "Ultimate Fighting Championship" to simply "Fighting Championship."

Q: What did March say to the madness? A: "What's all that bracket?"

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

Q: What do you get if you cross a football team with a flower center?
A: Nottingham forest.

Baby, you've bought yourself a cruise on the Love Boat. I'll be your captain.

What you call a wrecking ball, Chuck Norris calls a punching bag.

A man went to England on a trip and met a woman there, they grew to like each other enough for her to come to America with the man on his flight home.
When they got back to America the man said, “I would like to show you an American pastime: baseball.”
So the next day the man took her to a baseball game.
The first man came up to the plate and hit the ball to right field and got to first base, the next man bunted the ball and got to first base, and the third man came up to the plate and got walked.
The man said, “Are you understanding this game?”
The woman answered, “Yes, but what I don't understand is why the thrower hurls the ball at the first man and he hits it.
Then he hurls the ball at the second man and he taps it and runs to where the other man was standing.
And then the third man, this is the part I don't understand, the thrower hurls the ball and he just stand there, and he hurls the ball at him again and he just stands there, and he hurls the ball at him again and he just stands there, and he hurls the ball at him again and he just stands there then he just walks to the place where the other man was standing.”
Then the man says, “Well that is because he has four balls.”
The woman says, “Poor thing! He couldn't run if he tried.”

What do you call a white guy surrounded by 3 niggers?
In trouble.
What do you call a white guy surrounded by 5 niggers?
Coach.
What do you call a white guy surrounded by 1000 niggers?
Prison Warden.

Q: What has 2 arms, 3 legs, and 4 feet?
A: The finish line at the Boston Marathon.

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection.
They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.
When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth.
The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.
The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity.
He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was.
The rabbit declared that he had the same problem.
Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.
The snake agreed and started by winding himself around the rabbit.
After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"
The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity and proceeded to return the favor to the snake.
After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"

You might not be a Bulls fan, but I know you felt it when this D rose.

I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

Q: Why can't orphans play baseball?
A: They don't know where home is.

"If we don't change the direction we're going, we're likely to end up at the wrong end."
"People who go out of their way to help others have great taste."
"An eye for an eye leaves everybody blind, but not hungry."
"Don't give up though the pace seems slow, you may succeed at another morgue."
"A journey of a hundred trillion cells begins with a single nibble."
"The only difference between a big shot and a little shot is that the big shot takes longer to chew."
"It's all right to have little butterflies in your stomach. In fact, I'd say a trip to the elementary school play is a wonderful idea."
"You don't know what your appetite can get away with until you try. Or are tried."
"If you carry your childhood with you, you should probably go the bathroom soon."
"Never keep up with Joneses. Have them over for dinner."
"Let your hook always be cast. In the pool where you least expect it, will be a very startled swimmer."

Q: What do you call a bench full of white people?
A: The MLB.

Yo mama so fat when she went sky diving in a blue jump suit, all the kids below said, "Ahhhh! The sky is falling!"

Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.

Yo mamma so small she uses a Dorito for a hang lider.

Q: Why there are many bubbles on the pool's water?
A: Swimmers are farting.

A teacher asks her students if they're Yankees fans. All of the hands go up except for one student.
"Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?" "The Red Sox."
"Why's that?" "Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too."
"That's not a good answer, Bobby.
If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?"
"No, that would make me a Yankees fan!"

Q: What did the basketball say when he got deflated?
A: "Oh balls."

I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.

The Karate Kid killed caught a fly with two chopsticks, Chuck Norris killed a rhino with one.

Doing yoga got me out of the habit of biting my fingernails. Now I bite my toenails.

I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there.

I hope you're into yoga, cause you're going to get a good stretch tonight.

My wife had her period at a Manchester United game, and all I got was this bloody t-shirt.

Paddy asks Murphy, 'Why do scuba divers fall off their boats backwards?"
Murphy replies, "If they fell forwards they'd still be on the f*cking boat!"

Q: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
A: In case he got a hole in one.

Two guys on a double bike where pedaling up a hill.
It took forever to get to the top.
When they finally got to the top the first guy said in a pant, "Whew, that was so hard."
The second replied, "If I hadn't been pushing the brakes the whole time we would have rolled down backwards."

Fishing rule #1: The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.
Fishing rule #2: The worse your line is tangled, the better is the fishing around you.
Fishing rule #3: Fishing will do a lot for a man but it won't make him truthful.

Golfer: "I'd move heaven & earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven; you've already moved most of the earth."

Q: What is a sheep's favorite sport?
A: Baaasket baaall!

Did you hear about the athlete who wore two jackets when she painted the house? The instructions on the can said: "Put on two coats."

Goes to the gym, lays on the mat to stretch, falls asleep.

I need some band-aids I'm getting cut from all this working out.

Why is sex like a bridge game? You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

A man went to doctor, "Doctor every night in my dream I am playing soccer."
Doctor say, "Take these pills, they will help you sleep better."
The man, "I can't take them, tonight is the final game."

A Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.
"I have four boys and my wife is expecting another," says the Catholic. "One more son, and I'll have a basketball team,"
"That's nothing," says the Baptist. "I have 10 boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son, and I'll have a football team."
"That's nothing," says the Mormon. "I have 17 wives. One more wife, and I'll have a golf course."

You're so dumb you thought quarter backs was a change machine.

You're fat. It's not because it runs in the family, you're fat because nobody runs in your family.

Q: What do Bill Buckner and Micheal Jackson have in common?
A: They both wear a glove on one hand for no apparent reason.

Why did the volleyball player cross the road? There are players on the other side.

PE Teacher: "Why did you kick that ball straight at the school computer?"
Pupil: "You told me to put it on the Net."

At a divorce court a family of bears is waiting for the judge to grant custody of little bear.
The judge asks the baby bear, "Do you want to live with papa bear?"
The baby bear replied, "No he beats me."
The judge asked, so do you want to live with mommy bear!
The baby bear said, "No she beats me too."
The judge asked, "Then whom do you want to live with?"
The baby bear says, "The Chicago bears, they don't beat anyone!"

Q: What game does the brontosaurus like to play with humans?
A: Squash.

Why was it so hot in the stadium after the baseball game? All the fans left!

Why was Cinderella banned from playing sports? Because she always ran away from the ball.

Where do bad gymnasts go? Behind parallel bars!

Chuck Norris won the Nascar season, he was driving a bike.

There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau.
Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line.
Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.
When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?"
The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan."
The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"
The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."

Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M's because let's be honest here.

Q: What do the Buffalo Sabres and the Titanic have in common?
A: They're both at the bottom of the Atlantic.

Yo mama so fat when she went swimming, The Japanese harpooned her and took her back to Japan to sell her blubber.

What does a hockey player and a magician have in common? Both do hat tricks!

Why is a tennis game a noisy game? Because each player raises a racket.

If you were a basketball, could I drive you, and lay you up?

Lebron better than Jordan?
Ha! Yea right.
Talk to me when Lebron saves the looney tunes from an alien race.

Chuck Norris hit a home run in a football game.

Q: What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
A: "Look! They spelled MACY's wrong!"

Where did the baseball keep its lemonade? In the pitcher!

What tea do hockey players drink? Penaltea!

Why are fish never good tennis players? They don't like getting close to the net.

Dad shouts ..."STOP WATCHIN P*RN....I CAN HEAR IT IN MY ROOM!"
Son: Dad...I am NOT watching p*rn... That is Maria Sharapova playing Tennis!

Q: How can you tell if a University of Tennessee football player is married?
A: There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup truck.

Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs? Because they don't want to be mistaken as feminists.

Four nuns were attending a baseball game.
Four men were sitting directly behind them.
Because their habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to badger the nuns hoping that they’d get annoyed enough to move to another area.
In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I’m going to move to Utah. There are only 100 nuns living there."
Then the second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Missouri, there are only 75 nuns living there."
The third guy said, "I want to go to Texas, there are only 50 nuns living there."
The fourth guy said, "I want to go to Maine. There are only 25 nuns living there."
The mother superior turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet and calm voice said, "Why don’t you go to hell, there aren’t any nuns there!"

A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee.
The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately replies, "No, you see that's your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead."

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually, it came back to me.

Q: What did the basketball say to the player?
A: Please don't shoot me.

Why are pigs so bad at soccer? They are always hogging the ball!

You're wrong! I touched second base. I missed third… but I touched second.

Why is it so hot in a stadium after a football game?
Because all the fans have left.

Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm.
His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis.
"Incredible!," says his friend.
"Medical science is amazing."
Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off.
Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football.
"Incredible!," says his friend.
"Medical science is amazing!"
Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head.
Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his friend but can't find him.
He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, "Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday."
The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."

When is a field hockey player like a judge? When she sits on the bench.

What's brown and runny? Usain Bolt.

Why did the teacher jump into the water? She wanted to test the water!

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.
For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived.
Everything went quite well.
As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the patients complied by standing up.
After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they all sat back down in their seats.
After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts."
They all broke out into applause and cheered.
When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts" and they all started booing and cat calling.
Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.
When he turned, there was a riot in progress.
Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world happened?"
The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, 'peanuts'".

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right. At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

Billy and Joe were huge baseball fans.
One day, both Billy and Joe made a pact that if either of them were to die; they had to come back to the other in the form of a ghost to let the other know if baseball was played in heaven.
Sure enough, Billy dies and eventually comes to Joe one night in the form of a ghost.
A startled Joe realizes it is the ghost of his deceased friend and says "Billy, it is so good to see you...so tell me, is there baseball in Heaven?".
"Well", Billy says, "I have some good news and bad news for ya.
First the good news...YES, there is baseball in heaven!".
"Thank God!" Joe shouts...
"What is the bad news?!".
"You're pitching tomorrow."

Chuck Norris once won the Iditarod by pulling his team of dogs on the sled.

Q: How did the blonde fisherman die?
A: He was run over by the Zamboni.

How many golfers does it take to change a light bulb? FORE!

Q: How do you know when it's bedtime at Michael Jackson's house?
A: The big hand touches the little one.

Three babies in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up.
The first one says, "I wanna be a plumber, so I can fix the pipes in here."
The second one says, "I wanna be an electrician, so I can get some lights in here."
The third one says, "I wanna be a boxer."
The others look confused and ask, "Why do you want to be a boxer?"
He proudly replies, "So I can beat the hell out of that rude bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us."

There was a competition of arm wrestling between Chuck Norris and Superman.
And guess what, the loser had to wear his undies over his pants!

Q: Why can't white people swim?
A: Cause they get soggy.

Basketball is the perfect game for a black person.
All you do is run, shoot and steal.

When watching any game of woman's sport you must always spare minutes silence and think of all the men who will go without dinner tonight.

Yo mamma so fat, when she plays paintball her teammates hide behind her.

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a dentist? A dentist lets you sit down while he hurts you.

Q: How do you get a UNC fan to leave your house? A: Pay the pizza delivery driver.

Why was the baseball player a bad sport? He stole third base and then went home!

Q: Why did the bodybuilder cross the road?
A: He didn't. There's no walking on leg day.

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

Sports news report: The United... States that they Ghana win.

Where's the safest place to be when a bunch of white guys are playing basketball?
Under the Hoop

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners.
The Lamaze class was in full swing.
The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher.
Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" asked the instructor.
"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

I'm taking part in a stair climbing competition. Guess I better step up my game.

Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?

Chuck Norris can get a touchdown in baseball.

A Scottish man was at a baseball game.
It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly.
The first batter approached the plate, took a few swings and then hit a double.
Everyone was on their feet screaming “Run, run!”
This happened two more times, with a single and a triple.
The Scottish man was now excited and ready to get into the game.
The next batter came up and four balls went by.
The umpire called “walk” and the batter started on a slow trot to first.
The Scotsman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, “R-R-Run ye ba$$tarrd, rrrun!”
Everyone around him started laughing so the Scotsman, extremely embarrassed, sat back down.
The fan sitting next to the Scotsman noticed his embarrassment, so he leaned over and explained, “He can’t run because he got four balls.”
The Scotsman immediately stood up and screamed, “Walk with pride, man! Walk with pride!”

What would you get if you crossed a grizzly with the world's greatest basketball player?
Bear Jordan.

Q: What's the difference between hockey player and hippie girl?
A: Hockey player will take shower after 3 periods.

Your mama so fat, that she can use herself as a bowling ball and get 10 strikes in all of the lanes!

A couple of pigeons made a date to meet on the ledge on the tenth floor of a skyscraper.
The female was there on time, but the male arrived an hour late.
"Where were you? I was worried sick."
"It was such nice day, I decided to walk."

Chuck Norris got a homerun in bowling.

Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball.
"I was the James Bond type of player," he told his friends.
"I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition."
"Batted .007," his wife added.

Two guys were playing golf. On the tee, Jack hit his shot way left of the fairway in some buttercups. Bob proceeded to hit and his ball went way off to the right in the bushes. Jack eventually found his ball and proceeded to hit in the buttercups. All of a sudden, he heard a big *POOF* and a fairy appeared. She proceeded to say to Jack that she was Mother Nature and that she was really upset at him for damaging the buttercups. She said, ''Jack, for all the damage that you did to my buttercups, you will not have any butter to put on your toast in the morning for the next month. No, as a matter of fact, I am so upset at you that you won't have any butter for the whole next year! That should teach you a lesson so you won't hurt my creations." *POOF* She disappeared. Jack, stunned by what just happened, called out, "Bob! Bob! Come over here here quick!" Bob replied, "Wait a sec. I'm hitting my shot and I'll be right over." Jack yelled back at Bob, "Where are you?" Bob answered, "I'm over here in the pussy willows." Jack shouted back, "Don't swing Bob! For the love of God, don't swing!"

Did you hear they banned fans from doing "The Wave" at all sports events? Too many blondes were drowning.

Chuck Norris won gold for sitting in the crowd at the olympics.

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

My dog Minton ate all my shuttlecocks. Bad Minton.

The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. "Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?" "Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?" The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

From the State where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from Texas.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood tavern.
Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test.
To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom`s the best sex in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sweee-et!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"
Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, your drunk!!
Hahahahaha wot a fucking LAUGH!

What's a Mexican's favorite sport? Cross country.

What do hookers and the Dolphins have in common? They both have hundreds of balls pounded into their endzone every week.

Hey gurl, how about you make the Patriots and deflate these balls.

You should be wearing a jersey so i dont have to ask for your name or number

Why is there no mexican olympics?
Because everyone who can run, jump, or swim is already across the boarder.

How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

Every day two million Americans play tennis and one million of them lose.

Barcelona beats every team in the world, Chuck Norris can beat Barcelona... by himself.

What's the object of a Jewish football game? To get the quarterback.

Chuck Norris walked his version of a 40-yard dash in 5.6 seconds; he was later told it was the Boston Marathon.

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

If you can go to the gym without telling people on the Internet, you are instantly hired by the CIA.

What do you call a girl standing in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.

Everyone should stop hating on Lance Armstrong.
He won 7 Toure De France's on DRUGS!
When I'm on drugs, I can't even FIND my bicycle.

Chuck Norris can run a full marathon in just 3 miles.

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven; you've already moved most of the earth."

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat: "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. "Strike One!" he yelled.
Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air.
When it came down he missed again. "Strike Two!" he cried.
The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together.
He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"
Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it.
He missed. "Strike Three!"
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"

My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive.
I kinda got it.

Why are spiders great tennis players? Cause they have great topspin.

Chuck Norris can dunk a basketball using his feet.

I think football would become an even better game if someone could invent a ball that kicks back.

Yo' mama so fat, people exercise by doing laps 'round her!

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette all enter the International Breast Stroke Swim across the English Channel.
After about 8 hours, the brunette makes it across, followed shortly by the redhead.
No sign of the blonde.
After 12 hours they decide they'd better go look for her when she pretty much washes up on shore.
They rush over to her and wrap her in warm blankets and give her a hot drink.
After a few minutes, she is breathing easier and says, "I don't like to tattle, but I think those other ladies were using their arms!"

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table.

Chuck Norris has won tennis match against a wall.

Sports do not build character. They reveal it.

What part of a football ground is never the same? The changing rooms.

What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa? Santa stopped at 3 ho's.

Q: Why do goalkeepers spend ages on the Internet?
A: Because they can't stop saving their work.

Why is a baseball game a good place to go on a hot day? Because there are lots of fans.

There is no "me" in team. No, wait, yes there is!

All pro athletes are 
bilingual. They speak English and profanity.

Chuck Norris can bungee jump with out a rope.

Q: What do gay guys have in common with bungee jumpers?
A: If the rubber breaks, they're in deep shit!

If you win three games of Twister in a row you're automatically a yoga instructor.

Why does Dwyane Wade wear number 3? Because that's a number of minutes he can stay on the court without getting hurt.

A sailor and a priest were playing golf.
The sailor took his first shot missed and said, "F**k, I missed."
Surprised, the priest replied, "Don’t use that kind of language or god will punish you."
The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot.
Again he missed and under his breath the said, "I f**k’n missed again."
The priest overheard and replied, "My son, please don’t use that language or god will punish you."
The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn’t help mutter, "Oh f**k" The priest said, "That’s it god will certainly punish you."
Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down and killed the priest.
In the distance a deep voice said, "F**K, I Missed."

Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don't cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

If you run in front of a car you'll get tired, but if you run behind the car you'll get exhausted.

When Chuck Norris plays dodge ball... the balls dodge him.

Wanna play guns? Bend over and I'll cock you.

Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.

Chuck Norris doesn't throw a baseball, it just leaves his hand cowering in fear.

The was a man named George who got a new job.
His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday.
They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning.
George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late.
On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00.
He golfed right handed and won the round.
Next Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 10 minutes late again.
He shows up right on time, golfs left handed, and wins the round.
This continues for the next few weeks, with Geoge always saying that he may be 10 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.
The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was.
They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be ten minutes late. You never are.
Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win.
What is up with that?''
George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy.
Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife.
If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed.
If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''
''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is laying on her back?'' George replies, ''Then I am 10 minutes late.''

What's a horse's favorite sport? Stable Tennis.

Why was Cinderella such a bad field hockey player? Her coach was a pumpkin.

What's the difference between baseball and politics? In baseball you're out if you're caught stealing.

Chuck Norris once went sky diving, he did not use a parachute.
The spot he landed on is now known as the Grand Canyon.

What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from Grandma have in common?
You don't look down.

Using only a black king, Chuck Norris defeated the world-champion grand-master in chess.

People always say to do exercise, I do Breathing... Could I be more WORKING!

Billy: "I was playing basketball and an Asian crossed me."
Mark: "Haha, how does an Asian cross you?"
Billy: "Because he crosses multiplies."

There was a school about learning roundhouse kicks.
No one finished it.
Why?
Chuck Norris kicked them with a roundhouse kick.
It's his only weakness so no one must know how to do Roundhouse Kick!

Why do I always know where to go when I am canoeing? Because I "canoe" it.

I've been running as fast as I can, but I still can't catch my breath.

Q: What do you call black people in a swimming pool?
A: Coco puffs.
Q: What do u call mexicans in the swimming pool?
A: Reeces puffs reeces puffs!

Superman is faster then a speeding bullet.
Chuck Norris just runs Superman down and keeps going.

Do you know karate? Cause your body's kickin!

The Winter Olympics.
Letting white people win at sports no one else can afford to learn.

It's game 7 of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court.
He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there.
He responds, "No, the seat's empty."
"The first man exclaims, "What?!?
Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?"
The neighbor responds, "Well the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we haven't been together."
The first man responds," I'm sorry to hear that.
Wasn't there anyone else, a friend or relative, that could've taken that seat?" The neighbor responds, "No, they're all at the funeral."

Q: What's the difference between England and a teabag?
A: A teabag could stay in the cup for longer.

What have eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!

Yo'Mama is so stupid, she threw a baseball at Batman.

Never hypothetically ask yourself if the person in front of you can go any slower, because the answer is yes.

Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A: A bad golfer goes *Whack!* "Darn!", but a bad skydiver goes "Darn!" *WHACK!*

Yo' Mama is like a hockey player, she doesn't change her pad for three periods.

Rocky Balboa was a lucky man because Chuck Norris didn't pursue a boxing carreer.

If I buy a soccer ball, will you kick it with me?

Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student? Because education pays off in the long run!

I know Jiu-Jitsu, Sambo, Judo, Aikido and lots of other scary words.

Where do ghosts play tennis? On a tennis corpse!

Boy: Have u ever been fishing before Girl: Why? Boy: I think we should hook up!

I was at a climbing center the other day, but someone had stolen all the grips from the wall; honestly, you couldn't make it up.

Your pants say yoga, but your ass says McDonald's.

Why did the downhill skier take off all his clothes? Because he wanted to get windblown.

Three football teams (Arsnel, Liverpool, and Hartsfield) are flying from England across Egypt for a match in the Middle East. Their plane crashes in the desert and they survive. After days of wandering, they are really hungry so when they come across a camel, the footballers decide to kill it and eat it. The Liverpool team says, "Because we play for Liverpool, will we eat the liver." The Hartsfield players decide, "Because we play for Hartsfield, we will eat the heart." Arsnel says, "I think we might go hungry..."

Chuck Norris is the only person that can stab you with a basketball- Brandon De La Riva.

Q: Which sport is always in trouble? A: BADminton.

You head is so long when you ran in a race you came first and last.

When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I've been running for 10 years.

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.

Q: What do you get when a dinosaur scores a touchdown?
A: A dino-score.

I used to play tennis, baseball, basketball and chess, but I stopped after my son broke my playstation.

Kobe Bryant wears the number 24 to remind himself of how many seconds he has to hog the ball.

Did you hear about the gay guy who got kicked off the golf course? He was playing with too many strokes.

Ugh, who has time to work out?... I say before a 45 minute nap.

Q: Why did the coach go back to the bank?
A: To get his quarterback!

Did you hear the NFL is changing the color off the football to green?
Yeah, you ever hear of a black person droping a watermelon?

Do people who go to the gym to "feel the burn" know nothing of Mexican food?

Why did the referee have such a high phone bill?
Because he made to many calls!

No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

Somedays I feel like running away. Then I remember how much I hate running.

What did the lacrosse stick say to the ball? "Catch ya later!"

If procrastionation was an Olympic sport, I'd compete in it later.

Q: Why does Dwayne Wade wear number 3?
A: Because that's the amount of minutes he can stay on the court without getting hurt.

Why can't girls play hockey?
Because their pads can't last three periods.

Did you hear about Mike Tyson's horse?
It got angry and bit at the champ!

What is a lacrosse players favorite type of car? A dodge!

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat.
He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got 'em."

Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.

What race is never run? A swimming race.

Q: What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A: A baseball bat.

Why do field hockey players never sweat? They have too many fans!

A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”

A little old lady entered the main branch of a large downtown bank with a large grocery bag in her arms.
She told the teller that she wanted to open an account to make a substantial deposit, in excess of $200,000.
Further, she said that since such a large sum was involved, she would deal only with the president of the bank to make the necessary arrangements.
The teller looked in the bag and confirmed that it was, in fact, full of cash. He called upstairs and explained the situation to the bank president, who agreed to see the woman.
The teller escorted her to the president’s office, and the president invited her to have a seat, which she accepted.
She repeated her request to open an account.
The president said he would take care of it personally, but his curiosity was killing him. He said, "Mind if I ask how you happened to come into such a large sum of cash?"
"Not at all," was her reply. "I bet."
"You bet?" he countered. "At the racetrack, or on professional sports, or in casinos...?"
"Nothing like that," she said. "I just... bet. For example, I`ll bet you $50,000 that by tomorrow morning your balls will be square."
The president chuckled but, seeing that the lady had the funds to back up such a wild bet, agreed. They shook hands on it, and she promised to return at nine the next morning to follow up, and left.
As the day wore on, the president found himself frequently checking to make sure that all was in order. It was, but just as a precaution he cancelled his regular Tuesday-afternoon golf match and went home early.
The next morning when he showered, he was actually quite relieved to find that nothing had changed drastically while he slept. He confidently headed for the bank, laughing all the way at the unexpected windfall that was about to become his.
The little old lady showed up promptly at the appointed hour, accompanied by a young man. When the president asked who he was, she replied that he was her lawyer, who she always brought along when payoffs involving significant sums were involved.
The president told her that sorry, she had lost that particular bet, so the funds would be outgoing rather than incoming. She insisted on examining the evidence for herself, considering the amount at stake.
He deemed it a reasonable request under the circumstances, so he stood up, unbuckled his belt and dropped his pants.
She proceeded to closely inspect his jewels for any abnormalities.
As she did, the president noticed that her lawyer was standing in the corner, banging his head against the wall.
He asked the lady, "What’s the matter with him?"
She paused her inspection long enough to glance at the lawyer and replied, "Oh, him. I bet him $250,000 that before ten A.M. today I`d have the president of the bank by the balls."

It's game 7 of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court. He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there. He responds, "No, the seat's empty." "The first man exclaims, "What?!? Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?" The neighbor responds, "Well the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we haven't been together." The first man responds," I'm sorry to hear that. Wasn't there anyone else, a friend or relative, that could've taken that seat?" The neighbor responds, "No, they're all at the funeral."

Q:What's the hardest thing about learning to play tennis?
A:Telling your parents that your gay!

There are these two guys named John and Cliff.
They were best friends and were so obsessed with baseball that they would go to 60 games a year and analyze every scoreboard.
They even promised each other that when one of them goes to heaven, the deceased one would come back and tell the other whether there was baseball in heaven or not.
One night Cliff dies in his sleep after watching a Chicago White Sox game — Chicago won, so at least he died a happy man.
The next day Cliff returns to earth to see his friend.
"Hi, John.”"
"Cliff, is it really you?"
"Hey, I told you I’d be back to tell you what’s up. And, you know John, there’s good news and bad news."
"Okay. What’s the good news?"
"There is baseball in heaven."
"The bad news?"
"You’re pitching tomorrow night."

Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.

Bill and Earl are out playing golf.
They get to the 17th tee, which overlooks a small lake, and see two guys out on the lake fishing.
Bill says, "Hey Earl check out these two idiots fishing' in the rain!"

Why can't Jesus play hockey? A: He keeps getting nailed to the boards.

How many tennis players does it take to screw in a light bulb? "What do you mean it was out, it was in!"

What is Al Caedas favorite football team? The New York Jets.

What do women addicted to heroin got in common with ice-hockey players? They both change clothes after three periods.

Do you play volleyball? Because you look like your good on ur knees!

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Guy: Wanna go out? Girl: I have a boyfriend. Guy: It's just like soccer, just because theres a goalie doesnt mean you cant score.

Why are black people so good at Basketball?
Cause all you have to do is RUN, SHOOT and STEAL.

Every day I spend a few hours on a running track. Next week I might even turn it on.

What is a runner's favourite subject in school? Jog-raphy!

Lets play railroad I'll be the train and ur the tunnel

Did you hear about the blonde who after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?

What's the best place to shop for a soccer shirt? New Jersey!

I wish you were on the football team because I'd love to see your backfield in motion.

Why is it not good to play tennis in a court? Because you might get arrested.

How did Jesus get in such good shape? Crossfit.

They used to time me with a stopwatch... now they use a calendar.

Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "I don't think you can keep your head down that long."

Why are badminton players so loud? Because they are always making a racket!

Yo mama so stupid I told her I was going to the Super Bowl and she told me not to forget a spoon.

Son: "What's love juice daddy?"
Me: "It's what 2 people make when they're having exciting sex. Anyway? What are you watching?"
Son: "Wimbledon."

Once Chuck Norris swam all the oceans for 7 days and oceans got cold.

I'll never understand how you can come up second in a biathlon.
I mean – you've got a gun, haven't you?

Q: What is a banana's favorite gymnastic move?
A: The splits!

Chuck Norris once scored a field goal, using a hockey stick!

Fishing in a frozen lake
It was a cold winter day.
An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite.
He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him.
The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass.
The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck.
Shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch.
The young boy kept catching fish after fish.
Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer.
"Son" he said, "I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble.
You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish!
How do you do it?" The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying."
The boy spat the bait into his hand and said... "You have to keep the worms warm!"

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in London.
The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus.
The Blonde team rides on the top level.
The Brunette team down below is living it up having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.
She decides to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
She says, "What the heck's going on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

How many snowboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 50: 3 to die trying, 1 to actually pull it off, and 46 other to say, "man, I could do that!"

What's the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler. Usain Bolt can finish a race.

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

I get most of my daily exercise from shrugging.

A couple of years ago the english national team was about to start training in preparation for an important qualifying match when the manager at the time, Sven-Goran Eriksson, discovered a big turd in one of the penalty areas on the practice pitch.
Ok boys, he said, who's shit on the ground?
Emile Heskey replied:
"Me coach, but I'm good in the air!"

The Italian boxing team boycotted the Olympics when they heard it was going to be one on one.

You know who's mad at Kobe?
Every other player in the NBA.
You know why?
Cause he messed around on his wife and bought her a $4 million ring.
Yeah, you know what that means: that's the new minimum.
Cause you know how women are, man.
Women get upset: "Oh, really, what's this? A $1 million ring? What - did that bitch get my $3 million, too?"

Whats the difference between usain bolt and hitler?
Usain bolt can finish a race...

Q: What sports team is the least safe around children?
A: The Nashville Predators.

Three doctors are out geese-hunting. A gaggle flies over and the oncologist raises and then lowers his gun. "I better conduct an MRI first to determine if those were really geese." Some more geese fly by & the endocrinologist raises his gun and then lowers it. "I'll need some bloodwork to conduct an A1C and determine what those birds were first." Some more geese fly over. The trauma doc raises his shotgun and blows them out of the sky. "What were those things, anyway?" he asks.

Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.

Golfer: "I'd move heaven & earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven; you've already moved most of the earth."

You: "I'm only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me."
Sports Broadcaster: "Here comes the oldest player in the league. He's 32. A miracle."

Did you ever wonder how the moon got craters?
3 words: Chuck Norris Golf.

"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon".

What does NBA stand for Niggas Boucing Around.

There are three men on a desert island: Genius, Smart, and Idiot.
Genius has concluded that at least one man must swim to shore and get help.
Genius volunteered himself, as he is the most likely to get remember to get help.
Genius, not being very athletic, swam halfway to safety and then drowned.
Days later, Smart finally realized Genius drowned.
Smart then decided it was his turn to swim and get help.
Idiot agreed because he didn't know what was happening.
Smart, not being very athletic, swam three quarte rs of the way to safety and drowned.
Days later, Idiot decided it must his turn to swim.
He also did not know what his goal was.
Idiot, not having very much intelligence, swam halfway to safety, felt tired, so he swam back to the island he was stranded on.

How do you make a pool table laugh? You reach into its pockets and tickle its balls.

How do you make NY Jets cookies? Put them in a bowl and beat them for three hours.

Why do volleyball player want to join the armed forces? For the chance to gain some experience in the service.

I would tell a swimming joke, but I think it's too watered-down to be funny.

Police have found the body of a man in the Thames wearing a Chelsea shirt, womens underwear, fishnet stockings, suspenders and with an extra large dildo stuck up his arse.
They have removed the Chelsea shirt to save the family any embarrassment ...

A man walks into a bar with a dog.
The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here."
"You don't understand," says the man.
"This is no regular dog, he can talk."
"Listen, pal," says the bartender.
"If that dog can talk, I'll give you a hundred bucks.
"The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, "What's on top of a house?"
"Roof!" "Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?" "Bark!"
"And who's the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!"
"I guess you've heard enough," says the man.
"I'll take the hundred in twenties."
The bartender is furious. "Listen, pal," he says, "get out of here before I belt you."
As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, "Do you think I should have said 'DiMaggio'?"

Chuck Norris once threw out the first pitch at a NASCAR race.

Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.

What's the speed limit of sex? 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid.

Yo' Mama is so fat, people use her butt cheeks for a ski slope.

A true story, according to the LA Times.....
Coach Frank Layden of the Utah Jazz asked forward Jeff Wilkins, "Is your bad play due to ignorance or apathy?"
Wilkins replied, "I don't know and I don't care!"

Billionaire Richard Branson has withdrawn from a sponsorship deal of Chesterfield Football Club.
He stated that 'he couldnt have the name VIRGIN on the teams shirts ... when they get fucked every week !'

A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool.
After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.
In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

Yo momma so fat people jog around her for exercise!

What are the most athletic rodents?
Track and field mice.

Q: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
A: In case he got a hole in one.

It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge.
The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal.
When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback blew his top.
How many times can you do this to us in a single game?" he screamed.
"You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter."
The official just stared.
The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game.
"What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that you STINK!"
The official stared a few more seconds.
Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down.
He turned to face the steaming quarterback.
The official finally replied, "And how do I smell from here?"

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in stunningly sexy lingerie. "Tie me up," she purred, "And you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.

Ballet is banned within a 1000 miles of Chuck Norris.

My tennis opponent was not happy with my serve. He kept returning it.

In France, Chuck Norris accidentally won Tour de France by exercise bike.

Why didn't the cannibal eat Mike Tyson?
He thought he would give him a paunch!

Why did the volleyball players go to the library for practice? The coach told them they'll be doing some reading today.

Q: How do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first week at spring training?
A: Studying their Miranda Rights.

Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible? When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.

Chuck Norris won the Tour De France on a stationary bike.

Chuck Norris can won the winter Olympics...
In the summer.

Chuck Norris was banned from the Olympics because his mere presence is considered a performance-enhancing substance.

Why did the soccer ball quit the team? It was tired of being kicked around.

Q: What's the difference between an NFL player and an elevator?
A: The elevator can raise a child.

Yo Mama so fat when Flash tried to run around her he died before he got half way.

How do we know that soccer referees are happy? Because they whistle while they work.

I am known at the gym as the "before picture."

A soccer coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said: "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there.
So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."
The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks: "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?"
The player thought for a moment and then he answered: "I think... no... yes... I’m not sure... what about 4?"
"Did you say 4?" the smiled coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.
At that, all the other players on the team began screaming: "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

Chuck Norris never has to wax his skis because they're always slick with blood.

Chuck Norris sky dives without a parachute.

I work out almost every day. Friday I almost worked out, Saturday I almost worked out, Sunday I almost worked out...

Q: How many snowboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 50: 3 to die trying, 1 to actually pull it off, and 46 other to say, "man, I could do that!"

I wish this gym had a stationary bike built for two.

Woke up early to go for a run and got as far as still laying here.

Dad shouts: "Stop watching porn, I can hear it in my room!"
Son: "Dad.. I'm not watching porn, that is Maria Sharapova playing Tennis!"

When Chuck Norris goes to a BBL cricket game, he doesn't watch out for the big hits from the players, the big hits watch out for him!

I named my dog 6 miles so I can tell people that I walk 6 miles every single day.

Yo' Mama is like a heavyweight boxer: a few licks, a few blows, and she's back to her corner.

Q: Why is horse racing so romantic?
A: Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him ina typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. “Top of the mornin’ to yer, sir” says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
“What are those?, asks the attendant.
“They’re called tees” replies Tiger.
“Well, what on the god’s earth are dey for?” inquires the Irishman.
“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger.
“Fookin Jaysus”, says the Irishman, “BMW thinks of everything!”

What is an astronaut's favorite key on a keyboard? Space!

Autocorrect changed Morning Run to Morning Rum. Change Of Plans, Guys!

Question: What should a man do if his wife runs into the room during a baseball match and keeps disturbing you?
Answer: Shorten the chain.

Q: Why is a baseball game a good place to go on a hot day?
A: Because there are lots of fans.

Q: What's the difference between a teabag and england?
A: The teabag stays in the cup longer!

Chuck Norris holds the world record for most push ups done in a hour, the number is all of them.

A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift.
Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.
When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in.
Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: “There are no fish in there”.
So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.
So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there.
So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.
“How do you know there are no fish there?” asks the blonde.
So the man cooly says “Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you’re going to have to pay for those holes.”

I play the worlds most dangerous sport.
I disagree with my wife.

Chuck Norris won the Boston marathon in New York.

Micheal Jordan to Chuck Norris:
I can spin a ball on my finger for over two hours.
Can you?
Chuck Norris: (laughs) How do you think the earth spins?

Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
A: Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!

Do people who run know that we're not food anymore?

Chuck norris went skydiving and his parachute failed to open, so he took it back the next day for a refund

What did the shuttlecock say when it got hit? Who's making all the racquet?

Yo mama so fat when she was swimming in the ocean the indians claimed her as the new land.

Why do orphans like playing tennis?
Because it's the only love they get.

Four men were stranded in a desert.
Suddenly, 1 of them died.
The other 3 decided that the only way to survive was to eat the dead body.
The 1st man said, "I support Liverpool, so I'll eat his liver."
The 2nd man said, "I support Manchester, so I'll eat his chest."
The 3rd man said, "I support Arsenal... but I'm not very hungry!"

What happens to lacrosse players who go blind? They become referees.

Chuck Norris once won a three-legged race... By himself.

Q: How do you make NY Jets cookies?
A: Put them in a bowl and beat them for three hours.

All the bases are 90 feet apart in regulation Baseball.
So why does it take a Runner longer to run from 2nd to 3rd than it does from 1st to 2nd?
Simple! Because between 2nd and 3rd there is a 'Short-Stop'!

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ABOUT

What are Sport jokes about? Sport is if great topic to laugh at. Some of the funniest jokes ever are about sport.

Are Sport jokes funny? For sure! There is no such thing as boring sport joke here. All jokes are funny in their own way. You can also view sport jokes images on Pinterest or watch videos with sport jokes on YouTube.

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CONCLUSION

You've read some of the best sport jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 394 jokes about sport. Most of the jokes are suitable for kids, children or teens boys and girls. You must supervise your chidlren not to read jokes for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty sport jokes to your kids.

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