Spoon Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea"

Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"

A man ordered the soup at a restaurant and asked the waiter to try it...

Man: Waiter, will you try the soup?

Waiter: What's wrong Sir, is it too cold?

Man: Will you just try the soup.

Waiter: Is it too hot?

Man: Will you just try the soup

Waiter: Is it too spicy, Sir?

Man: Will you just try the damned soup son

Waiter: If there is something wrong with the soup...

Man: WILL YOU JUST TRY THE SOUP!

Waiter: FINE! I'll try the soup. Where's the spoon.

Man: Exactly.

Taste the soup

A guy eating in a restaurant calls the waiter.
-Please taste the soup.

The confused waiter asks:
-Is the soup too hot?
-Just taste the soup...

-Is the soup too cold?
-Taste the soup.

-Is there a fly in the soup?
-Taste the soup!

The waiter, tired of guessing, gives up.
-Alright, alright, I'll taste the soup. Where's the spoon?
-Aha!

When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon

When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon and say, "There's a train coming. There's a train coming." We'd always eat it because we knew that if we didn't she wouldn't untie us from the railway line.

Why didn't Neo ever cuddle Trinity from behind in bed?

Because there is no spoon.

My little girl loves helping me when I'm doing the cooking, because I always let her lick the spoon.

The sooner she's old enough to buy her own heroin, the better.

A question for your doctor

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Which celebrity is always ready for cereal?

Reese, with her spoon

WAITER: "Yes, is there something wrong?"

WAITER: "Yes, sir, is there something wrong?"


CUSTOMER: "The soup. Taste it."


WAITER: "I beg your pardon, Sir?"


CUSTOMER: "Taste it."


WAITER: "But, Sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent."


CUSTOMER: "Taste it."


WAITER: "Sir, the soup was made this morning of the finest ingredients."


CUSTOMER: "Taste it!"


WAITER: exasperated, "All right, Sir, I'll taste it."


Then after a pause he said, "Where is the spoon?"


CUSTOMER: "Ah ha!!"

A Halloween Limerick

A lady vampire named Mable

Had a period that was awfully stable.

So once a full moon

She took out her spoon

And drank herself under the table.

A man is getting ready to go on a business trip...

He has been suspicious of his wife cheating on him. So he places under his bed a spoon attached to a string that hangs on the metal frame with a bowl of milk under it. He measures the weight of his wife in bed alone to make sure it is not in the milk unless there is more weight.

The man leaves and comes home after a few days and looks under his bed to find a bowl of butter.

A German, an American, and a Russian are arguing who can feed a spoonful of mustard to a cat more easily...

The German just grabs the cat and forces the spoon with mustard into its mouth. The other two protest: "This is violence!"

The American hides the mustard between two slices of sausage. The other two protest: "This is deception!"

The Russian spreads the mustard under the cat's tail. The cat starts furiously licking it off, meowing loudly. "See - he does it voluntarily and with songs!"

When i was young my mom used to put food on the spoon.. and sing "train is coming, train is coming"...

I'd always eat cause i knew if i didn't, she wouldn't untie me from the railway line.

I used to get sharp pains in my eye when I drank coffee...

My doctor said, take the spoon out of the mug

A man sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili...

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".

He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.

The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".

Guy at a restaurant orders a soup

Some random guy orders a soup in the restaurant and the waiter brings him the soup. Right after the waiter leaves the table the guy calls him back and says "Try the soup" the waiter asks "What's the matter, is it too salty?" guy says "Go ahead and taste it" and the waiter asks "Is it too spicy?" and the guy says "Just freakin' try it!" and the waiter asks "Where's the spoon?" and the guy answers "Exactly"

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. " A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," said the director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window or over near the heater?"

A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew.

A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion
during a dinner.
Catholic: I have a large fortune....I am going to buy Citibank!
Protestant: I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!

Muslim: I am a fabulously rich prince.... I intend to purchase Microsoft!

They then all wait for the Jew to speak....

The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes
a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says:
I'm not selling!!!...

An eagle goes looking for a mate...

He swoops down and picks up a loon. "I'm a loon, I'm a loon, I love to spoon."

The eagle realizes this will not work, so he kicks the loon out and finds a hawk. "I'm a hawk, I'm a hawk, I just want to talk."

Realizing that that will not work, he kicks out the hawk and finds a dove. "I'm a dove, I'm a dove, I don't make love."

Frustrated now at three failed attempts, the eagle kicks out the dove and picks up a duck. "I'm a drake, I'm a drake, you made a mistake!"

A man goes to an asylum and asks

How do you admit your patients? The psychiatrist says Well, we fill a bathtub full of water then give them a spoon, a cup and a bucket then we tell them to empty the bathtub . The man replies I see, so the sane person would take the bucket , and the psychiatrist replies No, the sane person will pull the drain plug. Would you like your room to have a balcony sir?

They say you can choke on a tea-spoon of water, so I thought I'd test it out...

The water went down fine, but the spoon nearly killed me.

A guy goes to a restaurant

and notices all the waiters had a spoon in their shirt pocket. He can't help but ask his waiter about the spoon and the waiter says: "Well, a Consulting Firm told us that having a spoon cuts the wait time when a patron drops theirs on the floor, we don't have to go all the way back and get another, just pull the one in our pocket"
The guy is amazed at the answer, but then notices the male waiters had a string coming out of the pants fly and asks his waiter about it.
"The same Consulting Firm -the waiter responds- said when we go pee, we waste so much time washing our hands that pulling it our with the string keeps us from having to handle it, and therefore we save time not having to wash our hands"
Our guy sees a flaw in this and asks the waiter "Well, the string works pulling it out, but how do you put it back in?" to which the waiter says:
"I don't know about the others, but I just use the spoon in my pocket"

Dear Fork,

Dear Fork,

I know we haven't spoken since I ran away with Dish, but I thought you should know you have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair.

Sincerely,
Spoon

Thats how they do it..

A man goes into a mental institution and talks to the doctor in charge.

He asks the doctor how a patient is actually admitted to the mental institution.

The doctor says, 'well, we send each patient into a room filled with a bathtub full of water. We then hand each patient a spoon, a ladle and a bucket, and ask them to empty the tub the fastest way possible.'

The man says, 'oh, I get it, the sane people use the bucket, since it's the biggest?!'

The doctor replies, 'no, sane people pull the plug! Would you like a window room with a view?!'


EDIT- This was my favorite joke from my Gramps.. He just passed away at 89 years young! #AmericanWarHero

Two spoons...

A man and his wife were seated in a restaurant, when the man noticed that all the waiters carried two spoons in their vest pocket.


Curious, the man asked their waiter the reason for this.


"Well, sir," the waiter explained, "an efficiency study conducted by the management determined that the most frequently dropped silverware item is a spoon. Therefore, all waiters carry two spoons so that the item can be instantly replaced."


As the waiter was offering the explanation to the couple, they noticed there was a string hanging out of the fly of his pants.


"What about that?" the man asked, discreetly pointing to the string.


"That, sir, is the result of another efficiency study." the waiter replied.


"When we need to go to the bathroom, we use the string to pull ourselves out and aim. Therefore, we do not have to stop to wash our hands."


"I understand how you can get yourself out and aim," the man said, "but how do you go about getting yourself back in?"


"I don't know about the other waiters, sir," the waiter replied, "but I use the two spoons!"

The Jew says...

A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion during a dinner.

Catholic: I have a large fortune… I am going to buy Citibank!

Protestant: I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!

Muslim: I am a fabulously rich prince… I intend to purchase Microsoft!

They all wait for the Jew to speak…

The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee,
looks at them and casually says: I'm not selling!!

A guy sits down at a diner and asks for a hot bowl of chili...

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".

He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.

The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".

Guy has a bad eye pain

Guy has a bad eye pain, he goes to the doctor and explains the strange pain he gets in his eye everytime he drinks coffe. Sometimes his left others times his right eye.

The doctor finds nothing worng, he suggests an excercise where he will have coffee and all the extras in his office , then he will then come in and make his coffee like usual so the doctor can see what is happening.

After the excercise the doctor says he knew exactly what is wrong. The guy says, what!? What is it?!

The doctor says, you should take the spoon out of your coffee before you drink it.

Inspection

While conducting a routine inspection, the colonel arrived at the mess hall door where he met 2 KPs with a large soup kettle.
"Let me taste that," the colonel snapped. One of the men fetched a big spoon and handed it respectfully to the CO, who plunged the ladle into the pot and took a large mouth-full of the steaming liquid, smacking his lips critically.
Then he let out a roar that could be heard back at headquarters. "Do you call that soup?" He bellowed.
"No, sir," explained one of the KPs. "Its dishwater we were just throwing out"

Every time I drank coffee I got a sharp pain in my eye. I went to the doctor

He said take the spoon out if the cup!

What did the spoon dress up as to the Halloween party?

A cereal killer.

A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili...

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".

He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.

The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".

Why do spoons live such diverse lives?

They like to mix it up.

Guns don't kill people, people kill people.

But I'd rather take my chances against someone with a spoon.

We give them a spoon, a cup and a bucket; and then ask ask them to empty the bathtub...

While I was being given a tour of a mental asylum, I asked the psychiatrist, How do you establish whether or not a person should be committed to your institution?

The doctor answered, We have a standard test. We fill up a bathtub with water, then give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket, and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.

I see, I said. A normal person would use the bucket because it's much bigger than the spoon or the cup.

No, said the doctor, a normal person would pull the drain plug. Would you like a bed near the window?

What do you call a person who is unable to tell the difference between a ladle and a spoon?

Fat.

I was spooning my girlfriend the other night...

guess that makes us a pair of cuddelery.

My friend stirs soup with his left hand.

But I stir soup with a spoon.

A man says to his doctor...

"Every time I drink tea I get a sharp pain in my eye"

So the doctor says "Take the spoon out."

A man is displeased with the soup he has ordered in a restaurant.

So he calls for the waiter, and says to the waiter," Waiter, could you please come over and taste my soup?"

To which the waiter replies,"Why, sir? Is it too sour? I could add some sugar to it if you want."

"Just come and taste it."

"Why? Has it turned cold? I could get it heated for you."

"Please just come and taste it."

"But why, sir? Is the soup too sour? I could serve you a new bowl if you want."

"No, it's not that. Just please come over and taste it."

The waiter reluctantly agrees and walks over to the man's table, but finds he cannot drink the soup.

"But sir, how can I drink the soup if there's no spoon?"

"Exactly."

A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili..

A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili... Long The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself". He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.

The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as l got, too"

Two eggs are about to have sex

And the guy egg puts on a crash helmet...

The girl egg asks "why the helmet?"

He replies "The last time I was this hard, I got hit on the head with a spoon!"

What happens when a fork and a spoon get into a fight?

Civilwar!

The German, the gypsy and the Romanian are on a plane

Suddenly, the German throws a silver spoon out the window. The others ask him why he did that, to which the German replies:

'Where I come from, that's what we have the most of.'

After that, the gypsy throws a gold spoon out the window. The others asks him why he did that, to which he replies:

'Where I come from, that's what we have the most of.'

Soon after, the Romanian suddenly throws the gypsy out the window and shouts:

'And where I come from, that's what we have the most of!'

Clever mother

A woman goes to her son's house for dinner with his "roommate"
Throughout dinner he bends over backwards to point out how they're roommates, sleeping in separate bedrooms etc
They have a delicious dinner with the best silverware and then she heads home
He's cleaning up and sees that a serving spoon is missing
A few days later she gets a call from her son
"I'm not saying you did take the silver spoon, but the fact remains, it's been missing since you were here"
His clever mother replied
"I'm not saying you and your "roommate" are dating, but the fact remains, if he was sleeping in the second bedroom, he'd have found the spoon by now."

A limerick about a vampire named Mable. [NSFW]

There was a young vampire called mable,

whose periods were always quite stable,

at every full moon,

she took out a spoon,

and drank herself under the table.

Two utensils are laying in bed...

One turns to the other and says "wanna spoon?"

The other replied, "no, I'd rather fork."

I went to the doctor because my eye hurt every time i drank tea.

He told me to take the spoon out.

Dear Fork,

I understand that we haven't spoken since I ran away with Dish. But, I thought you should know you have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair.
- Sincerely,
Spoon.

Coffee drinking trio

3 friends are bragging about their coffee drinking habits.

1st: I take it dark, thick and black. It's so strong, the spoon stands upright in my cup when I stir it.

2nd: big deal, at least you use a cup. I pour it directly from the kettle into my mouth.

3rd: yeah? We'll I don't even use a kettle. I chew the coffee beans, drink some water and just go sit on the stove for a while.

The final cookie

A man near death smelled his wife baking his favorite cookies down stairs. He decided if he was going to go he would have one last cookie before he went. He dragged his mostly useless body down the stairs and crawled to the counter where he knew the cookies were on the cooling rack. As he reached for a final treat his wife smacked him on the hand with a wooden spoon and said, "Those are for your funeral guests".

A man to a psychiatrist:

How do you select who should be admitted to your facility? The psychiatrist replies: We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub. The man smiles: Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket. The Psychiatrist replies: No, a sane guy pulls the plug. Do you want a room with or without a balcony?

Patient: "Doctor, my eye hurts when I drink my tea..."

Doctor: "Well take the spoon out then.."

Why can't you eat soup in The Matrix?

Because there is no spoon.

What do you call an orangutan holding a spoon?

I don't know I was asking you

What did the chef say after he lost his favorite spoon?

I'm sad, but only a ladle.

A man went to his psychiatrist and said, "Every time I drink my coffee, I get a stabbing pain in my right eye."

The psychiatrist said, "Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?"

Only a bad chef blames his tools, Jeremy..

Yeah, but trying to fillet a fish with a spoon just doesn't quite cut it.

Why did the Xbox One eat its cereal for breakfast, but not its pancakes?

It had the spoon, but not the 4k.

God, this summer has been...

hotter than a spoon at Demi Lovato's house.

There once was a vampire named Mable

Who's period was ever so stable

So every full moon

She pulled out a spoon

And drank herself under the table

Yo Momma so stupid...

She brought a spoon to the superbowl.

This man has a pain in his eye every morning...

He has a daily morning routine, he wakes up, washes his face, brews his coffee, he mixes it with a spoon, and drinks it. For some reason he always has a pain in his eyes.
So one day he goes to the doctor after becoming fed up of the pain. The doctor first asks him about his diet, and the man replies that he's been eating healthy. The doctor asks him about his routine, so he gives the man some props to recreate it. So the man proceeds to wash his face, brew his coffee, mix it with a spoon, and drink it.
The doctor sighs and asks, Have you ever taken out the spoon before you drink your coffee?

Ice Cream...Maybe

A penguin went to get his car fixed on a 120 degree day, he was so hot, the mechanic said, "hey, this is going to take a while, you should go next door and cool off with some ice cream."

The penguin goes next door orders ice cream, the waitress asks, "would you like a spoon?" The penguin says, "no thank you, I will just use my flippers!"

After he eats the ice cream, it is all over his face, he goes back to the mechanic and the mechanic says, "it looks like you have blown a seal!"

The penguin says, "No! This is ice cream!"

When I was younger...

When I was younger my mother used to feed me by putting food on a spoon, and telling me "the train's coming". I'd always eat it, because if I didn't she wouldn't untie me from the track.

What does a spoon hate to see when driving?

A fork in the road

Three restaurant owners were arguing about their food

The first one said, "My spicy sauce is super hot! I put a bottle of pepper spray in every batch, and after just one spoon, people can't take anymore and shout for water."

The second one replied, "My spicy sauce is even hotter! I put three bottles of pepper spray in every batch, and the smell alone is enough to burn your face!"

The third one grinned. "That's nothing. My spicy sauce is so hot, that we pour it into aerosol cans and sell it as pepper spray!"

A man goes to the doctors

A man goes to the doctors, complaining about a pain in his eye.

Man: Every time I drink coffee I get a sharp pain in my eye

Doctor: Have you tried removing the spoon first

Developers don't spoon their SO

They fork them.

Vampire limerick

A tad less obvious than most.........

There was a young vampire called Mable,
who's periods were very stable.
Every full moon she would get out a spoon ,
and drink herself under the table.

A man goes to the doctor...

And says 'doctor doctor! You gotta help me! Every time I have tea I get a sharp pain in my eye!'
The doctor looks at him. 'The next time you have tea,' he says, 'take the spoon out of the cup first.'

Lose 7 pounds in 3 days with this one weird trick!

Step 1. Purchase mayonnaise.
Step 2. Leave mayonnaise in the sun for 5 hours. Let it really bake.
Step 3. Eat a couple spoon fulls of the mayo.
Step 4. Lose AT LEAST 7 pounds over the next 3 days!

A man walks into a diner that claims to have the best chili in the world

He sits down at the counter and asks for a bowl of chili. The waitress responds "Sorry but the man next to you got our last bowl."

He looks over at the man and he's just sitting there not eating. He asks the man "Are you going to eat that or what?"

The man slides the bowl over to him and says "All yours"

The man starts chowing down until his spoon hits something in the chili, he looks down and sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all of the chili back into the bowl.

The other man says "Yeah thats about as far as I got too."

Sports Day

It's sports day at a school for "special" kids. During the egg and spoon race, little Johnny falls and hurts himself badly.

One of the teachers freaks out and yells "call Johnny an ambulance, call Johnny an ambulance!"

All the kids immediately start pointing at Johnny and laughing saying "Johnny is an ambulance- Johnny is an ambulance!"

M Night Shyamalan directs The Matrix:

There is a spoon.

A man went to a restaurant and ordered a soup

When he got his soup, he noticed something very odd, so he called the waiter over.

"What seems to be the problem, sir?" The waiter asked

"Something is odd with my soup, would you mind tasting it please?"

So the waiter looked over the table and back at the man

"There isn't a spoon" said the waiter

"I know, that's what odd" said the man

Why did Neo have to eat his cereal with a fork?

Cos there is no spoon

what do you say when you're out of spoons?

fork it.

Whats do you call it when you spoon with a midget?

Backpacking.

What are the funniest spoon jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Spoon? Well, here are the best Spoon puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Spoon pick up lines to share with friends.

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