The Best 59 Spoken Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Spoken jokes. There are some spoken humbly jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these spoken talker puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Spoken Jokes and Puns
A young couple adopt a German baby.
A young couple adopt a German baby. He was perfectly normal except for the fact he never spoke, not even a word.
One day aged five while the family were having dessert he suddenly says, "This strudel is tepid."
His parents are completely amazed. "Hans you can talk! Why haven't you spoken before now?"
The boy turned to the parents and slowly replies, "Until now, everything has been satisfactory."
Mujibar get a job in India
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .
The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have to show you are proficient in the English language. Please make a sentence using the words: Yellow, Pink, and Green.'
Mujibar responded, 'The telephone goes green, green, I pink it up, and say, Yellow! This is Mujibar.'
Mujibar now works at a call center. No doubt you have spoken to him.
Que dijo la persona que estaba callendo de un edificio muy muy alto en diciembre?
Feliz gravidad!
(Translation: What did the person falling from the very very tall building in december say?
Happy Gravity!)
(This one is better when spoken) Did you hear about the man with two penises?
Yep. First one he named Jose. Second one he named hose B.(again, better spoken)
A slightly translated Dutch joke
This is a Dutch joke where the dialog is spoken in English:
A Dutchman and an Englishman are sitting next to each other on an airplane. They start to make small talk and the Englishman asks the Dutchman what he does for a living.
The Dutchman proudly says "I fok horses!" (Fok == breed)
Shocked, the Englishman exclaims "Pardon?!?"
The Dutchman smiles and replies, "Yes! Paarden!" (Paarden == horses)
What do you call a fish with three eyes?
fiiish. (works when spoken :-/)
recently re-relevant
So Monica Lewinsy rushes into the dry cleaner with a blue dress clutched in her hand. Recognizing the man behind the counter, she says "I need this dress cleaned right away." Realizing that he has been spoken to, but not certain what was said, the dry cleaner responds "Come again?"
No, says Lewisnki. It's yogurt.
What do you call an elevator with a group of slim, softly spoken, intelligent people inside?
A Lift
(only a joke, my American friends)
I haven't spoken to my wife in weeks...
I didn't want to interrupt her.
Positive...
James finds a friend whom he hasn't spoken with for a long time, so to be nice, he breaks the ice:
" -Hey Oscar, how are you doing?"
" -Terrible."
" -What?! What about your Ferrari?"
" -Wrecked in an accident... and the insurance had just expired."
" -Well, you win some, you lose some... And what about your son, the intelectual one?"
" -He was the one driving the Ferrari. Died upon impact."
" -But what about your beautiful daughter, didn't she say she wanted to be a model or something?"
" -She did, yeah... And was with her brother. She died too. Only person who wasn't in the car was my wife."
" -Oh thank God! How is she?"
" -She ran off with my bussiness partner."
" -Well, at least you got the company."
" -Yeah, a bankrupt one... I owe millions."
" -Jesus, dude! Do you have anything positive in your life?"
" -Yeah, HIV."
I haven't spoken to my wife in months...
We're not having any problems, I just don't want to interrupt her.
You can explore spoken wheeze reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean spoken mee dad jokes. There are also spoken puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
My wife hasn't spoken to me since I fingered her twin by mistake during a drunken dance at a wedding.
He's not happy about it either.
Two men were talking
When one says to the other: "Man, I don't know what to do, my wife hasn't spoken to me in 3 days..."
The other replies: "You better take good care of her, man, it's not easy to find a woman like that!"
Quit my job at the helium factory today
I refuse to be spoken to in that tone
A German baby's parents are concerned that he never speaks...
It has gotten to the point where he is five years old and has said not a word, so his parents take him to the doctor. Everything's fine, he's healthy, not messed in the head. So then one day the German baby is having some apfelstrudel when he says "mother, zis strudel is quite tepid." The parents are amazed! "Wolfgang, you've finally spoken after all these years! What's happened?"
"Up until now, everyzing has been satisfactory."
A man goes to war and his wife vows to not wash at all untill he returns!
Ten years later, he returns and his wife meets him at the airport.
After they get in a car the wife asks:
"Whats wrong? You haven't spoken a word since you came"
and the husband replies:
"I'm waiting for you to fart so I can catch some air"
It was pretty funny when I was s kid!
Why did the man quit his job at the helium gas factory?
He didn't like being spoken to in that voice
My friend hasn't spoken to me since I accused him of stealing some wooden panels.
I think he took a fence.
Where are you when you're eating an Eggo on the beach and you drop it in the sand?
San Diego
(thought of this myself, it's better spoken)
I haven't spoken to my girlfriend in months.
I don't want to interrupt her.
I haven't spoken a word to my wife in years.
She hates to be interrupted.
Dear Fork,
Dear Fork,
I know we haven't spoken since I ran away with Dish, but I thought you should know you have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair.
Sincerely,
Spoon
What is an assassin's favorite element?
What is an assassin's favorite elem-
Surprise!
(it is much better when spoken, but I'm proud of it)
A man says to his friend, I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.........
A man says to his friend, I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. The friend says, Why not? The man says, I don't like to interrupt her.
After an altercation with my boss, I decided to leave my job at the helium factory.
I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
(Best spoken) A bear walks into a bar
A bear walked into a bar.
The bartender asked "What would you like?"
Bear says. "I'd like a beer... .... ...... and some peanuts"
Bartender asks "Why the big paws?"
A concerned husband goes to his priest...
"Father, I think my wife is trying to poison me. Every time she makes me something to eat, the rat poison bottle gets lighter and lighter."
Troubled by hearing this, the priest tells the man, "I will go and speak with your wife and see what is going on here."
The priest then heads to their home and sits down with the wife and has a long discussion. He then comes back to talk to the husband.
"I've spoken with your wife for over 45 minutes about this", the priest said.
The husband looks intently at the priest, "Yeah, what should I do?"
The priest calmly says "you should take the poison."
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap underwear
And the doctor says, "Well I can clearly see your nuts."
(So much subtler as a spoken joke. If you don't get it, consider you're grammar lessons!) ;)
I haven't spoken to my wife in nearly a year.
I don't like to interrupt her.
Just quit my job at the helium factory.
I will not be spoken to in that tone of voice.
Husband: "I want a divorce...
My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months"
Lawyer: "Think about it once again.Wives like that are hard to find."
Man outside phone booth: Excuse me, you've been on the phone..
...for 29 minutes and you haven't spoken a word .
Man inside: I am talking to my wife!
What's the most commonly spoken language on Earth?
Profanity.
Little Mikey
A five-year-old Mikey asks his Grandpa, Grandpa, what do you call it when there are two people on top of each other in bed?
-
The Grandpa feels very uncomfortable but decides not to confuse the child and bravely says, That's intercourse, my boy.
-
OK, nods Mikey and off he goes.
-
He comes back after five minutes and says, Grandpa, that's not right. I've just spoken to mom and she said that it's not called intercourse but a bunk bed!
I got fired from my job at the helium factory...
Because I refuse to be spoken to in that tone. I have always wanted a job in a mirror factory. It's a job I could see myself doing
An American couple adopt a German infant...
He is fine physically, and he is content. But he hasn't started speaking. At two, three, even four years old, he is mute.
Then, one October, at five years old, his parents give him a hot chocolate.
Zis is a bit tepid, he complains.
Gunther, you can speak! Why have you never spoken before?
Up to now, everything had been satisfactory.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language.
I accidentally passed my Wife the super-glue instead of her Lipstick..
She hasn't spoken to me for days.
I haven't spoken to my wife in over two years
I hate to interrupt her.
Two friends are drinking beers in a bar. One guy says to his friend,"I'm thinking of divorcing my wife,she hasn't spoken to me in almost two months."
His buddy replies, "Better not be to hasty, women like that are hard to find."
I am broken when my name is spoken. What am I?
McDonald's ice cream machine
Old German joke
An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, The soup is cold."
His astonished mother exclaimed, Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"
The boy looked at her and replied, Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."
[Better when spoken aloud:] A young man is nervous about his wedding night.
On the day of the wedding, he asks his dad what he should do. "It's easy, son. Just kiss her on the navel and tell her you love her."
So, that night, the newlyweds remove their clothes and get on the bed. The young man leans down, gently kisses his bride on the navel and says "I love you!"
"Lower!" she says.
\[In a bass voice:\] "I love you, I love you!"
I had to quit my job at the helium factory.
I couldn't stand being spoken to in that tone.
A man says to his friend: "I have not spoken to my wife in 18 months...
Friend says: "Why is that?"
Man replies: "I don't like to interrupt her."
I had enough and finally quit my job at the helium plant today.
I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
I worked in a helium factory
I resigned after a week, I wasn't going to be spoken to like that
The Mandalorian visited the Dr
The Mandalorian visited the Dr and they got into an argument because Mando wouldn't take his armor off when he got on the scale. He pointed to the scale and said, "this is the weight." The know it all doctor pointed to the armor and said, "no this is the weight." The nurse was called to show Mando the way to the room so he could cool off. Mando asked how long it would take, she said they were behind today and if could be a while, and before he got angry again she looked him dead in the mask, and pointedly said, "this is the wait! I have spoken."
Just quit my job at the helium factory.
I will not be spoken to in that tone!
Biden and Trump are at the same barber shop
Biden and Trump are at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each one being worked on by a different barber, not one word was spoken. When the barbers finished shaving, the barber that had Trump reached for the aftershave. Trump quickly stopped him saying: No thanks, Melania will smell that and think I've been in a brothel. The second barber turned to Biden and said, How about you, Mr. Biden? Joe replied, Go ahead, Jill doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like.
A German boy never uttered a single word growing up.
Then ,one day, aged 5, while sitting at breakfast, he looked up from his plate and said in perfect German - 'The toast is burnt'...to which the family were amazed at. 'You can speak, that's amazing, why have you never spoken until now?'
He replied: 'There was nothing wrong until now'
I've just quit my job a helium factory.
I won't be spoken to in that tone....
A German couple has a baby...
For 4 years he makes no sound, does not speak. Then one day the mother gives him soup, he says This soup is cold. The parents are amazed and ask If you can talk, why have you not spoken before? The child replies Up to now everything has been satisfactory!
My dad hasn't spoken to me since February
Sure, death could explain it, but I always thought if you really loved someone, you'd find a way.
Six Months
"I'm getting a divorce," said Jack to his friend, Bill. "The wife hasn't spoken with me for six months." Bill thought for a moment and then replied, "Just make sure you know what you're doing, Jack. Wives like that are hard to find."
I never realised how much my parents hated coal...
...until I told them I was dating a miner. They haven't spoken to me since.
I don't get it, she's perfect. Even a great gardener. But they didn't even care when I said she gave me her peas
The Library
This is one of my favorite jokes that NOBODY ever thinks is funny. It is funnier when spoken, but since I have no friends, Reddit will have to do.
Here it goes:
A guy walks into a library. He strolls up to the counter and looks at the librarian dead in the eyes and screams MA'AM I'LL HAVE A CHEESEBURGER A LARGE FRY AND A LARGE MILKSHAKE PLEASE!!!
The librarian shushes him and sternly says in a whisper, Sir! This is a library!
The man immediately apologizes and whispers,
So sorry, I'll have a cheeseburger a large fry and a large milkshake please
Man: I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
Friend: "Why not?"
Man: I don't like to interrupt her.
Wife: "That wind outside is intense."
Me: "No, it's outside."
Was a lot more funny when spoken than typed out but I wanted to share
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the spoken talk jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working spoken speaker piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.