Spoken Jokes
103 spoken jokes and hilarious spoken puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about spoken that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
A meta description for an article with the title "Spoken Jokes" can be: Jokes are a fun and entertaining way to practice your spoken English. Find out how to use joke telling as a way to learn different techniques that can help you with your pronunciation, timing, and confidence when speaking. Learn about the use of Timeshare, ACH, and Wheeze in spoken jokes.
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Funniest Spoken Short Jokes
Short spoken jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The spoken humour may include short speech jokes also.
- Husband: "I want a divorce... My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months"
Lawyer: "Think about it once again.Wives like that are hard to find." - After an altercation with my boss, I decided to leave my job at the helium factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
- My wife hasn't spoken to me since I fingered her twin by mistake during a drunken dance at a wedding. He's not happy about it either.
- Where are you when you're eating an Eggo on the beach and you drop it in the sand? San Diego
(thought of this myself, it's better spoken) - I just quit my job in the helium factory because of the way management spoke to me. I will not be spoken to in that tone of voice.
- My friend hasn't spoken to me since I accused him of stealing some wooden panels. I think he took a fence.
- What do you call an elevator with a group of slim, softly spoken, intelligent people inside? A Lift
(only a joke, my American friends) - I had enough and finally quit my job at the helium plant today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
- I accidentally passed my Wife the super-glue instead of her Lipstick.. She hasn't spoken to me for days.
- Dear Fork, Dear Fork,
I know we haven't spoken since I ran away with Dish, but I thought you should know you have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair.
Sincerely,
Spoon
Share These Spoken Jokes With Friends
Spoken One Liners
Which spoken one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with spoken? I can suggest the ones about speak and written.
- Just quit my job at the helium factory. I will not be spoken to in that tone of voice.
- What is the least spoken language in the world? sign language.
- I haven't spoken to my wife in nearly a year. I don't like to interrupt her.
- I am broken when my name is spoken. What am I? McDonald's ice cream machine
- I haven't spoken a word to my wife in years. She hates to be interrupted.
- I quit my job at the helium gas factory I didn't like being spoken to in that tone.
- Quit my job at the helium factory today I refuse to be spoken to in that tone
- I haven't spoken to my girlfriend in months. I don't want to interrupt her.
- What do you call a fish with three eyes? fiiish. (works when spoken :-/)
- Quit my job working in the helium factory. I wasn't going to be spoken to like that.
-- - I haven't spoken to my wife in weeks... I didn't want to interrupt her.
- Just quit my job at the helium factory. I will not be spoken to in that tone!
- I haven't spoken to my wife in over two years I hate to interrupt her.
- I've just quit my job a helium factory. I won't be spoken to in that tone....
- What's the most commonly spoken language on Earth? Profanity.
Spoken Language Jokes
Here is a list of funny spoken language jokes and even better spoken language puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- English is the lingua franca of the internet, science, aeronautics, and of using Late Latin phrases concerning an extinct pre-French language to mean "universally spoken".
- Which is the least spoken language? ASL
- What's the most commonly spoken language amongst LGBT people? Gaelic.
- What is the most spoken language? Sign language
- What's the most 'Spoken' language on Earth? Hint: It's not English Spanish.
- What's the least spoken language in the world? ***Sign*** **language**
Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Spoken Jokes and Friends
What funny jokes about spoken you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean voice jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make spoken pranks.
It's not often spoken about but Jesus had a spanking f**....
He spent most of his day's telling people to turn the other cheek.
A young couple adopt a German baby.
A young couple adopt a German baby. He was perfectly normal except for the fact he never spoke, not even a word.
One day aged five while the family were having dessert he suddenly says, "This strudel is tepid."
His parents are completely amazed. "Hans you can talk! Why haven't you spoken before now?"
The boy turned to the parents and slowly replies, "Until now, everything has been satisfactory."
Mujibar get a job in India
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .
The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have to show you are proficient in the English language. Please make a sentence using the words: Yellow, Pink, and Green.'
Mujibar responded, 'The telephone goes green, green, I pink it up, and say, Yellow! This is Mujibar.'
Mujibar now works at a call center. No doubt you have spoken to him.
Que dijo la persona que estaba callendo de un edificio muy muy alto en diciembre?
Feliz gravidad!
(Translation: What did the person falling from the very very tall building in december say?
Happy Gravity!)
(This one is better when spoken) Did you hear about the man with two p**...?
Yep. First one he named Jose. Second one he named hose B.(again, better spoken)
I haven't spoken to my wife in three weeks.
She told me not to interrupt her.
A slightly translated Dutch joke
This is a Dutch joke where the dialog is spoken in English:
A Dutchman and an Englishman are sitting next to each other on an airplane. They start to make small talk and the Englishman asks the Dutchman what he does for a living.
The Dutchman proudly says "I f**... horses!" (f**... == breed)
Shocked, the Englishman exclaims "Pardon?!?"
The Dutchman smiles and replies, "Yes! Paarden!" (Paarden == horses)
recently re-relevant
So Monica Lewinsy rushes into the dry cleaner with a blue dress clutched in her hand. Recognizing the man behind the counter, she says "I need this dress cleaned right away." Realizing that he has been spoken to, but not certain what was said, the dry cleaner responds "Come again?"
No, says Lewisnki. It's yogurt.
Why are most rappers afraid of vending machines?
Because eminem's in there
(Sorry, it works better when it's spoken)
Positive...
James finds a friend whom he hasn't spoken with for a long time, so to be nice, he breaks the ice:
" -Hey Oscar, how are you doing?"
" -Terrible."
" -What?! What about your Ferrari?"
" -Wrecked in an accident... and the insurance had just expired."
" -Well, you win some, you lose some... And what about your son, the intelectual one?"
" -He was the one driving the Ferrari. Died upon impact."
" -But what about your beautiful daughter, didn't she say she wanted to be a model or something?"
" -She did, yeah... And was with her brother. She died too. Only person who wasn't in the car was my wife."
" -Oh thank God! How is she?"
" -She ran off with my bussiness partner."
" -Well, at least you got the company."
" -Yeah, a bankrupt one... I owe millions."
" -Jesus, dude! Do you have anything positive in your life?"
" -Yeah, h**...."
I haven't spoken to my wife in months...
We're not having any problems, I just don't want to interrupt her.
Two men were talking
When one says to the other: "Man, I don't know what to do, my wife hasn't spoken to me in 3 days..."
The other replies: "You better take good care of her, man, it's not easy to find a woman like that!"
A German baby's parents are concerned that he never speaks...
It has gotten to the point where he is five years old and has said not a word, so his parents take him to the doctor. Everything's fine, he's healthy, not messed in the head. So then one day the German baby is having some apfelstrudel when he says "mother, zis strudel is quite tepid." The parents are amazed! "Wolfgang, you've finally spoken after all these years! What's happened?"
"Up until now, everyzing has been satisfactory."
A man goes to war and his wife vows to not wash at all untill he returns!
Ten years later, he returns and his wife meets him at the airport.
After they get in a car the wife asks:
"Whats wrong? You haven't spoken a word since you came"
and the husband replies:
"I'm waiting for you to f**... so I can catch some air"
It was pretty funny when I was s kid!
Why did the man quit his job at the helium gas factory?
He didn't like being spoken to in that voice
Dolly Parton and her bra designer have stopped talking.
In fact Ms Parton said they haven't spoken since the two fell out.
What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew the light bulb.
(Spoken by the brilliant Steve Martin in "My Blue Heaven")
What is an assassin's favorite element?
What is an assassin's favorite elem-
Surprise!
(it is much better when spoken, but I'm proud of it)
A man says to his friend, I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.........
A man says to his friend, I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. The friend says, Why not? The man says, I don't like to interrupt her.
Bob and Earl are fishing on a boat.
and Bob says "Yunno, I think I'm gonna divorce the wife, she hasn't spoken to me in 2 months."
Earl spits his dip overboard and takes a long swig of his beer with a casual exhale. "You should really think it over...Women like that are hard to find."
(Best spoken) A bear walks into a bar
A bear walked into a bar.
The bartender asked "What would you like?"
Bear says. "I'd like a beer... .... ...... and some peanuts"
Bartender asks "Why the big paws?"
A concerned husband goes to his priest...
"Father, I think my wife is trying to poison me. Every time she makes me something to eat, the rat poison bottle gets lighter and lighter."
Troubled by hearing this, the priest tells the man, "I will go and speak with your wife and see what is going on here."
The priest then heads to their home and sits down with the wife and has a long discussion. He then comes back to talk to the husband.
"I've spoken with your wife for over 45 minutes about this", the priest said.
The husband looks intently at the priest, "Yeah, what should I do?"
The priest calmly says "you should take the poison."
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap underwear
And the doctor says, "Well I can clearly see your nuts."
(So much subtler as a spoken joke. If you don't get it, consider you're grammar lessons!) ;)
If Jesus was a flower....
What kind would he be?
Answer: [self raising flour!](#s)
[(Obviously this joke is meant to be spoken aloud)](#s)
What do you call a tree that hates littler trees?
A biggah-tree (bigotry. The joke is better spoken >.<)
Man outside phone booth: Excuse me, you've been on the phone..
...for 29 minutes and you haven't spoken a word .
Man inside: I am talking to my wife!
I've fallen head over heels in love with a ventriloquists doll.
But unfortunately,she's already spoken for.
Little Mikey
A five-year-old Mikey asks his Grandpa, Grandpa, what do you call it when there are two people on top of each other in bed?
-
The Grandpa feels very uncomfortable but decides not to confuse the child and bravely says, That's i**..., my boy.
-
OK, nods Mikey and off he goes.
-
He comes back after five minutes and says, Grandpa, that's not right. I've just spoken to mom and she said that it's not called i**... but a bunk bed!
I got fired from my job at the helium factory...
Because I refuse to be spoken to in that tone. I have always wanted a job in a mirror factory. It's a job I could see myself doing
Sinatra is diagnosed with schizophrenia...
He goes to see a psychologist and starts talking about his split personalities.
One is the charismatic singer who can perform and woo crowds with his talent and charm.
The other is Steve, who is reserved and shy and can't even speak in front of a more than a few people.
He starts off talking, timid and soft spoken.
The psychologist stops him and says Listen, first I'm gonna need you to be Frank with me
An American couple adopt a German infant...
He is fine physically, and he is content. But he hasn't started speaking. At two, three, even four years old, he is mute.
Then, one October, at five years old, his parents give him a hot chocolate.
Zis is a bit tepid, he complains.
Gunther, you can speak! Why have you never spoken before?
Up to now, everything had been satisfactory.
After my flight arrival in Munich . . .
After my flight arrival in Munich I was going through customs and was spoken to in German by the customs agent.
I obviously looked perplexed, and so the agent asked me in English if I at least knew a little German.
I said "Sure, his name is Gunther and he's about four foot, nine inches tall."
Units.
A science teacher is quizzing the class on various units and measurements.
What is the unit of volume?
Milliliters.
What is the unit of mass?
Kilograms.
What is the unit of distance?
Meters.
What is the unit of power?
Yes.
(I know, it works a bit better spoken)
Two friends are drinking beers in a bar. o**... says to his friend,"I'm thinking of divorcing my wife,she hasn't spoken to me in almost two months."
His buddy replies, "Better not be to hasty, women like that are hard to find."
Old German joke
An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, The soup is cold."
His astonished mother exclaimed, Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"
The boy looked at her and replied, Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."
I was attending a spoken word session. When the performer finished, it was dead silent.
Then I said, Oh snap .
[Better when spoken aloud:] A young man is nervous about his wedding night.
On the day of the wedding, he asks his dad what he should do. "It's easy, son. Just kiss her on the navel and tell her you love her."
So, that night, the newlyweds remove their clothes and get on the bed. The young man leans down, gently kisses his bride on the navel and says "I love you!"
"Lower!" she says.
\[In a bass voice:\] "I love you, I love you!"
I had to quit my job at the helium factory.
I couldn't stand being spoken to in that tone.
A man says to his friend: "I have not spoken to my wife in 18 months...
Friend says: "Why is that?"
Man replies: "I don't like to interrupt her."
I worked in a helium factory
I resigned after a week, I wasn't going to be spoken to like that
The Mandalorian visited the Dr
The Mandalorian visited the Dr and they got into an argument because Mando wouldn't take his armor off when he got on the scale. He pointed to the scale and said, "this is the weight." The know it all doctor pointed to the armor and said, "no this is the weight." The nurse was called to show Mando the way to the room so he could cool off. Mando asked how long it would take, she said they were behind today and if could be a while, and before he got angry again she looked him dead in the mask, and pointedly said, "this is the wait! I have spoken."
Biden and Trump are at the same barber shop
Biden and Trump are at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each one being worked on by a different barber, not one word was spoken. When the barbers finished shaving, the barber that had Trump reached for the aftershave. Trump quickly stopped him saying: No thanks, Melania will smell that and think I've been in a brothel. The second barber turned to Biden and said, How about you, Mr. Biden? Joe replied, Go ahead, Jill doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like.
A German boy never uttered a single word growing up.
Then ,one day, aged 5, while sitting at breakfast, he looked up from his plate and said in perfect German - 'The toast is burnt'...to which the family were amazed at. 'You can speak, that's amazing, why have you never spoken until now?'
He replied: 'There was nothing wrong until now'
A German couple has a baby...
For 4 years he makes no sound, does not speak. Then one day the mother gives him soup, he says This soup is cold. The parents are amazed and ask If you can talk, why have you not spoken before? The child replies Up to now everything has been satisfactory!
My dad hasn't spoken to me since February
Sure, death could explain it, but I always thought if you really loved someone, you'd find a way.
Six Months
"I'm getting a divorce," said Jack to his friend, Bill. "The wife hasn't spoken with me for six months." Bill thought for a moment and then replied, "Just make sure you know what you're doing, Jack. Wives like that are hard to find."
I never realised how much my parents hated coal...
...until I told them I was dating a miner. They haven't spoken to me since.
I don't get it, she's perfect. Even a great gardener. But they didn't even care when I said she gave me her peas
The Library
This is one of my favorite jokes that NOBODY ever thinks is funny. It is funnier when spoken, but since I have no friends, Reddit will have to do.
Here it goes:
A guy walks into a library. He strolls up to the counter and looks at the librarian dead in the eyes and screams MA'AM I'LL HAVE A CHEESEBURGER A LARGE FRY AND A LARGE MILKSHAKE PLEASE!!!
The librarian shushes him and sternly says in a whisper, Sir! This is a library!
The man immediately apologizes and whispers,
So sorry, I'll have a cheeseburger a large fry and a large milkshake please
Man: I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
Friend: "Why not?"
Man: I don't like to interrupt her.
Wife: "That wind outside is intense."
Me: "No, it's outside."
Was a lot more funny when spoken than typed out but I wanted to share
Two old farmers meet on a moor …
They had crossed paths numerous times over 20 years and never spoken a word. One day, one of the farmers stops and says to the other My pig's sick. Covered in red blotches and really looking ill. The other one says One of my pigs had the exact same thing. I gave her turpentine. The next day they met again and the first one says I gave my pig turpentine like you said but she died.
The other one, without looking up, says Yup, so did mine.
The last sentence spoken before the end of the universe was by a scientist
it was something like: "*let's try this and see how it goes!*"
I just came across an old photo of my wife's mum.
She hasn't spoken to me since
