Split Jokes
125 split jokes and hilarious split puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about split that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover the funny side of being split down the middle! From a banana split to a split personality and split trousers, explore the variety of split jokes that will have you splitting your sides with laughter. Evenly separate the funny from the serious and explore why a split end and a split pea can make Helena laugh.
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Funniest Split Short Jokes
Short split jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The split humour may include short divide jokes also.
- My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up." "Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."
- How many D&D players does it take to change a light bulb? All of them. Never split the party.
- If California splits into 3 states, we just need to make Puerto Rico a state. We's have a prime number of states and finally be one nation, indivisible
- Can I tell banana jokes on this sub? Because opinions on those jokes are pretty *split*. I don't know if they'll ap*peal* to everyone.
- My wife once asked me if I would ever sleep with her sister if we split up. Which sister? is not the correct answer.
- I went to see a psychiatrist today.. Told me I had a split personalty and charged me $80 for the diagnosis. I gave him $40 and told him to get the rest from the other guy,
- My girlfriend said we should split up. When I asked why, she responded I'm just not in a good state right now so I responded, Utah?
- My wife and I split up because of psychological reasons... She was Psycho and I was Logical.
- A guy limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split. The attendant began to make it for him and said "Crushed nuts?" And the guy said, No, I just have a bad knee."
- I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."
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Split One Liners
Which split one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with split? I can suggest the ones about spilt and spread.
- "I have a split personality." ...said Tom, being frank.
- How do you split Rome in half? You use a pair of caesars.
- Why were the wives of a polygamist awarded a degree in physics? For splitting an Adam.
- I chopped the clock in half. It was a split second decision.
- How Does Uranium Atom Say Good Bye....? GOTTA SPLIT
- Never trust an atom when the pressure is on, they split.
- Why was the necrophiliac depressed? His rotten girlfriend split on him.
- Who split the arctic sea? Eskimoses
- I have a split personality No he doesn't
- Why did the bowler bring two pairs of pants? He wanted a spare in case he had a split.
- What do you get when you mate an elephant with a poodle? A poodle split in half.
- What do you call two junkies trying to split a bag? Crystal Math
- I had split personality disorder... Now we are cured.
- Where do you learn to make a banana split? Sundae school.
- What did Kurt Vonnegut say when he split his pants? Sew it goes
Banana Split Jokes
Here is a list of funny banana split jokes and even better banana split puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why can't guys do the splits? The banana gets in the way.
Banana split - Q. Why did the apple run away?
A. Because the banana split! - Would you like to try our new Banana Split dessert? It has a lot of a-peel.
(I tell this one at work all the time 😝) - What do you call two bananas going through a divorce? Banana split.
- what's a banana's favorite gymnastic event? The splits
- What do you call a beef tongue and banana meal A lickety split
- What did the banana do at the talent show? A Split!
- how did the bananas get away from the cops? They split up.
- What do you call it when gay men break up? A banana split
- What can make splits with no legs? A banana.
Split Personality Jokes
Here is a list of funny split personality jokes and even better split personality puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Some people think I have a split personality. To them I say: "No, he doesn't."
- If a person with split personality disorder falls in love with someone Do they refer to them as their better third?
- I don't suffer from split-personality... ...and neither do I
- "You have split personality!" "No, I don't have, the other guy has!"
- I have a split personality... Person: I have a split personality...
Listener: And?
Person: Why are you staring at me like this? - For a second I thought I had a split personality... But then I was able to convince him he didn't.
- What's wrong with the one celled organism? It has a split-personality!
- I hate people with a split personality! It's like they can have two different emotions for the same thing!
And that is why I love people with split personalities. - Riddle me this What animal is the best example of a split personality?
Answer: an amoeba
Split End Jokes
Here is a list of funny split end jokes and even better split end puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The doctor's price for my vasectomy was a little high for me, but my offer was too low for him. In the end we split the deferens.
- We should add a leap second to December 31st 2020 Just to make people watching the live clock think for a split second that the year will never end
- Why do doctors hate treating each other? Because they always end up arguing over how to split the check.
- Why did the football coach call his quarterback a hairdresser? Because he missed a split-end on a curl.
- I just got a new Sony P station, It had split-stream, so I just ended up messing the toilet seat.
Split Pea Jokes
Here is a list of funny split pea jokes and even better split pea puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the best part of split-pea soup? The cut up peaness.
- Did you hear what the ridiculous fraction ordered for lunch? I don't know either but I heard she tried to halve split-pea soup and pay with a quarter.
- What happened to the Black Eyed Peas when they were broken up? They became the Black Eyed Split Peas
Happy Split Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends
What funny jokes about split you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean merge jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make split pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a bunch of l**... are running in a race...
So a bunch of l**... are running in a race, and a bunch of gay guys are running in a race, Who's winning?
The l**...; they're all running lickity split, and the gay guys are poking behind.
What did Star Trek teach millions of kids?
To boldly split infinitives!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You shouldn't tell lawyer jokes
Lawyers are people, just like you and me. In fact, I bet if you split open a lawyer's chest, you'll find a heart of gold. And if you don't, hey, at least you split open his chest.
Two atoms walk into a party at the Large Hadron Collider...
It was full of nerds so they split.
When the Saxons landed in England...
...they decided to split up into five groups to cover as much ground as possible.
One group headed West and Wessex was born.
A particularly lazy bunch decided to stay exactly at the meeting point and incorporate Middlesex.
Another went South to form Sussex, which is still exactly where they made it, while yet another formed Essex to the East.
Oh, nearly forgot about the very conservative pack who went North. Nobody heard from them again
The Polish farmer
During WW2, a team of German and Soviet surveyors went through Poland to split the country.
One day they found a farm placed directly over the planned border. The surveyors agreed that the border couldn't be drawn through the house, and decided to ask the farmer.
- Do you want to belong to Soviet or Germany?, they asked him.
After some thinking, the farmer answered
- I'd like to belong to Germany.
- Why is that?
- Oh - I've heard the Russian winters are very cold
My sister and her husband just split up, so I got my 8 year old niece the new "Divorce Barbie"
She comes with half of Ken's stuff.
Every hotel room was taken.
By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded. "Or just a bed--I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope. I shut him up in no time?"
"How'd you manage that?"
"He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
Why did the computer split up with the programming language.
Because 1 or more arguments were invalid!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What kind of soup do men have after s**...?
Split pee
Two nuns sare coming back from the market late at night
- "Sister Andrea, it's already dark and we are still quite fare from the covent"
- "Yes Sister Dulce and did you notice that a man is following us??"
- "Yes! and what do you think he wants ?"
- "logical, rapes us... what should we do??"
- "logical: we split way, you on the left me on the right"
The man starts following Sister Dulce. Sister Andrea arrives to the Covent, and is worried because Sister Dulce is not arrived yet. After 1 hour here she comes.
- "What happened??"
- "Well I started running and obviously as did the man"
- "and??"
- "Logical: he reached me.."
- "Oh dear god! And what did you do??"
- "Logical: I lifted my dress up"
- "And what did he do??"
- "Logical: He dropped his pants"
- "god.... and??"
- "Logical no? A nun with her dressed up runs faster than a man with his pants down"
ps: Sorry my english is not my first language :)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Who wins in a race to San Francisco, the lesbian couple or the gay couple?
The l**.... They get there lickity split while the g**... are still packin it in!
What do a texas twister and a texas divorce have in common???????????????
Either way the trailer gets split in half.
How do we know the toothbrush was invented in Texas?????
because if it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush
One time I took a blonde girl to the movies...
We bought our tickets and waited in line for snacks. I got popcorn; she got M&M's. We got a drink to split.
We sat down during the previews. I started eating my popcorn and she opened her M&M's and dumped them all out in her lap. She carefully separated them all by color, took all the brown ones, and threw them in the trash.
"What was that about?" I asked as she returned to her seat.
She smiled and replied "Oh, I'm allergic to chocolate so I always throw the chocolate flavored ones away."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Splitting the Red Sea
Moses was leading the Jews while being chased by the Pharaoh and his men. In a moment of foolishness, he walked right up to the Red Sea. They were trapped.
"God d**...," said Moses.
So God did.
Divorce
I consider myself pretty lucky in my divorce because we negotiated a 50-50 split of our assets. My wife got half, my lawyer got half.
What do you need to split a photon?
A lightsabre
A recent survey says women prefer 4-5 inches over 6 inches and bigger, citing a "better fit" being one of the top reasons
While preference between Android and iOS devices are evenly split.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My girlfriend told me I look "uncool" with a bike helmet on...
Well you know I'd rather look uncool than fall and split my head open during s**....
Why did the atom stick around?
Cuz if he split, the situation would have gotten blown out of proportion.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you make...
How do you make a dead baby float?
With a scoop of ice cream.
How do you make a dead baby shake?
Cup of milk
2 cups of fruit
A dead baby and a blender
How do you make a dead baby split?
A sharp axe and a strong swing.
In 15 days, a man with questionable hair and direction will be watched by millions as he takes control of a terrfied group of people who don't know how much they can trust him.
But enough about M. Night Shyamalan's new movie Split.
A religious old lady prayed everyday for wealth...
She had lived a life free of sin and had suffered greatly through no fault of her own. Every day she went to her local church and prayed:
"God, i have been all my life, please, let me win the lottery"
Every day for many years she did this, until one day, the church roof split open and a booming voice commanded:
"WELL AT LEAST MEET ME HALFWAY AND BUY A TICKET!"
An Elf, a Dwarf, and a Hobbit walk into a bar...
All three proceed to eat, drink and have a good time, slamming down pint after pint of ale until finally the pub was closing. The bartender asks them how he should split the tab as it was a pretty hefty sum.
"I got this," replies the Elf as he looks at the bill. "My two friends here are always a little short anyway."
When employing people, gather all the CVs together and randomly split them into two piles.
Take one pile and throw it in the bin. This stops you employing anyone unlucky.
I was amazed
As I get older, I never stop learning new things every day. I'm a new dad and the other day I was changing my baby when all of a sudden my kid rolls off of the changing table. As if animal instincts kicked into me in that split moment, or super powers of sorts, I swoop down with lightning speed and catch him INCHES off of the ground! Still to this day I'm amazed; I had no idea babies could bounce that high off of marbled flooring.
Three mice are arguing whether the holes are part of the cheese or not.
The one that thought they WERE went to the wise old owl for advice. When he got back, the cheese was gone. He asked the other two mice:
"What happened to the cheese?"
They replied:
"We decided to agree with you, so we split the cheese into thirds, and your third happened to be the holes."
A man was trying to subdivide a large piece of property he owned in Manhattan.
But no matter how many ways he tried, he was unable to split it up into any number of equal sized parcels. He asked a realtor if she could help, but the realtor said there was simply no way to do it.
The problem, she said, is that's a piece of prime real estate.
Dolphin joke...made it up myself today. :)
An aquarium guide brought a group of visitors around to see the dolphins, which were split up into two tanks. In the first tank the dolphins were all having fun, playing around with a beach ball. In the second tank the dolphins were training, working hard on a new trick. One of the visitors asked the guide, "So is this tank for the more serious dolphins?" The guide said, "Yes, for all intensive porpoises."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At the sister's
Oh no, Roger, why did you two split up?
She's a liar and a cheat! She said she was the whole night at her sister's!
So? Maybe she was.
Yeah, no way. I was at her sister's the whole night!
A couple nuclei are chilling in a bar.
One says "let's blow this joint," so they split.
An elderly couple goes to Burger King, where they carefully split a burger and fries. A trucker takes pity on them and offers to buy the wife her own meal.''It's all right,'' says the husband. ''We share everything.''
A few minutes later, the trucker notices that the wife hasn't taken a bite. ''I really wouldn't mind buying your wife her own meal,'' he insists.''She'll eat,'' the husband assures him. ''We share everything.''Unconvinced, the trucker implores the wife, ''Why aren't you eating?''The wife snaps, ''Because I'm waiting for the teeth!''
A wife is getting fed up with her husband always acting like a detective.
They get into a huge fight about it and she finally says I think we need to split up
The husband replies That's a great idea we can cover more ground that way
(Sorry if this has been posted before I only heard it today)
Jesus and Moses compete who can cross a river faster:
Jesus and Moses compete who can cross a river faster. Moses makes the water split and walks on dry land to the other side. Jesus tries to walk on water, but glug... glug... glug... he starts sinking. "What's the matter?" asks Jesus, "I walked on the water quite well 2000 years ago..." "Well," replies Moses, "that was before you got those holes in your feet..."
A plane has a horrible accident...
...and is split in half horizontally. Everyone is holding onto the oxygen masks above with their legs dangling in the air.
The captain shouts to the passengers, "We can make it, but the weight's off - at least one person needs to let go or else none of us will make it!"
Willing to die for a good cause, a young man shouts "I will sacrifice my life for all of you!"
Everyone claps.
Three priests gathered together for a drink .
During their get together ,the host ask the other two :
- How do you split your money with the Lord ?
"I draw a line on the floor in my church ,then ,i throw the money in the air ,whatever is on my side I get to keep ,whatever falls on his side he keeps it" sais the first priest.
The second one replies "well I draw circle and then I' throw the money in the air ,whatever falls inside the circle is mine ,whatever Falls outside the circle is His" .
"How do you split your money ?" they both ask the host priest.
I' just throw the money in the air and he keeps whatever he wants.
My brother and I are partners in a shoe business but we decided to split the business
Now I am the sole proprietor.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My girlfriend said she would break up with me if I said another s**...-Doo quote.
My last words to her were Alright, let's split up gang.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between your parents and a banana?
You didn't make the banana split.
My last girlfriend was a Geologist...
She kept finding faults in me. Cracks soon appeared and we eventually split.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
[negotiating candy with a 3 year old]
**Me:** we can split this 50/50
**3yo:** 60/50
**Me:** that's not how math works...
**3yo [narrows eyes]:** 80/50
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I think my girlfriend is obsessed with s**... doo.
She keeps telling me we should split up and search for other people.
Two patients were sitting in a mental hospital cafetaria
Suddenly on the table over, a man, sitting all alone, started laughing hysterically.
First patient asked, "What do you make of that?"
"What, Jimmy two-face over there? That guy has split personality disorder", said the second patient.
"So what?" said the first patient.
"So, one of them must have told a great joke."
Bill Gates recently split up with Melinda Gates, who will take half of his belongings, including Microsoft office.
But she will only get Microsoft Excel and Powerpoint, because he always keeps his Word.
shoutout u/Duttywood
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guess what two cannibals did for dinner in Prague?
They split the Czech!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
God vs Satan
In contrast to popular beliefs, Heaven and h**... dont lie above each other, but next to each other.
Because God didnt want people be tempted to cross sides, he came to an agreement with Satan: they would have a wall build and split the bill afterwards.
Ofcourse as you could imagin when the wall was build, Satan plays deaf and dumb when it comes to the bill.
After some time God is fed up with Satan's behaviour and confronts him. "If you dont pay your share, i'll sue you!"
Satan shrugs and laughs: "what are you going to do? I got all the lawyers here"
An Accordion Player Stops For Beer
An accordion player stops at a convenience store to grab a six pack.
As he's closing the car door he sees his accordion in the back seat and has a split thought that maybe he should put it in the trunk, but then thinks nah, he's literally gonna be just 20 feet away for 2 minutes.
The guy's in the shop for only 90 seconds, but as he's coming out sees that his rear window has been smashed. He shouts "oh no, not again"!
He looks in the back seat, and sure enough, there's three accordions.
A German butcher and a Polish butcher started a competition...
...to see who could make the longest continuous chain of sausage links in one hour.
It was a tight competitions; both men take pride in their craft and in their sausage-slinging heritage. The two were neck-in-neck up until the 59th minute, wherein the Polish butcher had a slip of the hand and split his last sausage asunder. When the scraps finally settled, the Polish butcher had managed 120 links and the German managed 121.
Naturally, the German butcher won, because he went a frank further.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to a psychiatrist today. She told me I had a split personality and charged me $160
I gave her $80 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot.
A little boy never saw his buttocks.
The boy never saw his buttocks all these years. One day at school he did not complete his homework so got a spanking from the teacher on the bottoms. Sobbing he rushed home and to look at the damage turned towards a mirror and shouted..
"Oh my God she split it in half. "
A few bananas are planning a heist
Right before they leap into action, they decide to run through the process again so all bananas know what they're doing.
Firstly, two bananas will be creating a distraction a distance away from the heist. Then, the rest of the bananas will scatter to confuse the enemy and start the heist.
After going through the process a few more times, the bananas are certain that they know what to do, and thus a couple bananas peel off and the rest of the bananas split.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How fast does a lesbian run?
Lickity split.
A girl is fed up with her boyfriend's unhealthy obsession with detective movies, and wants to break up with him.
"This is too much. We really should split up."
"Good idea, we can cover more ground that way."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My sister trod on my foot…
My sister trod on my foot so hard that part of it split off and formed an exact replica of me.
'My toe Sis!' I yelled.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One day, my dad found me crying and he told me to "s**... it up."
I have to admit, it's a better strategy for dealing with split milk.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Went to the psychiatrist today…
She told me I have a split personality and charged me $150.
I gave her $75, and told her she can get the rest from the other idiot!
An Australian was in London admiring suits displayed in a shop window...
To nobody in particular he said, "Ahh, there's the one I'd get!"
A split second later, a three foot tall cyclops ran up and punched him in the nuts.
Two men are walking when they suddenly find $500 laying on the street
They decide to keep the money for themselves. The first man says: 'We should split it fifty fifty'
The other one replies: 'What about the remaining $400?'
