The Best 59 Split Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Split jokes. There are some split necrophiliac jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these split divider puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Split Jokes and Puns

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

So a bunch of lesbians are running in a race...

So a bunch of lesbians are running in a race, and a bunch of gay guys are running in a race, Who's winning?

The lesbians; they're all running lickity split, and the gay guys are poking behind.

You shouldn't tell lawyer jokes

Lawyers are people, just like you and me. In fact, I bet if you split open a lawyer's chest, you'll find a heart of gold. And if you don't, hey, at least you split open his chest.

Split joke, You shouldn't tell lawyer jokes

"I think I have split personalities",

......Said Steve, being frank.

When the Saxons landed in England...

...they decided to split up into five groups to cover as much ground as possible.

One group headed West and Wessex was born.

A particularly lazy bunch decided to stay exactly at the meeting point and incorporate Middlesex.

Another went South to form Sussex, which is still exactly where they made it, while yet another formed Essex to the East.

Oh, nearly forgot about the very conservative pack who went North. Nobody heard from them again


The Polish farmer

During WW2, a team of German and Soviet surveyors went through Poland to split the country.
One day they found a farm placed directly over the planned border. The surveyors agreed that the border couldn't be drawn through the house, and decided to ask the farmer.
- Do you want to belong to Soviet or Germany?, they asked him.
After some thinking, the farmer answered
- I'd like to belong to Germany.
- Why is that?
- Oh - I've heard the Russian winters are very cold

How do you split Rome in half?

You use a pair of caesars.

Split joke, How do you split Rome in half?

Every hotel room was taken.

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded. "Or just a bed--I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope. I shut him up in no time?"

"How'd you manage that?"

"He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

What sort of soup do men make most often after sex?

Split pee soup.

(I made it up. I'm sorry.)

What kind of soup do men have after sex?

Split pee

Two nuns sare coming back from the market late at night

- "Sister Andrea, it's already dark and we are still quite fare from the covent"

- "Yes Sister Dulce and did you notice that a man is following us??"

- "Yes! and what do you think he wants ?"

- "logical, rapes us... what should we do??"

- "logical: we split way, you on the left me on the right"

The man starts following Sister Dulce. Sister Andrea arrives to the Covent, and is worried because Sister Dulce is not arrived yet. After 1 hour here she comes.

- "What happened??"

- "Well I started running and obviously as did the man"

- "and??"

- "Logical: he reached me.."

- "Oh dear god! And what did you do??"

- "Logical: I lifted my dress up"

- "And what did he do??"

- "Logical: He dropped his pants"

- "god.... and??"

- "Logical no? A nun with her dressed up runs faster than a man with his pants down"

ps: Sorry my english is not my first language :)

You can explore split helena reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean split half dad jokes. There are also split puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


One time I took a blonde girl to the movies...

We bought our tickets and waited in line for snacks. I got popcorn; she got M&M's. We got a drink to split.

We sat down during the previews. I started eating my popcorn and she opened her M&M's and dumped them all out in her lap. She carefully separated them all by color, took all the brown ones, and threw them in the trash.

"What was that about?" I asked as she returned to her seat.

She smiled and replied "Oh, I'm allergic to chocolate so I always throw the chocolate flavored ones away."

Splitting the Red Sea

Moses was leading the Jews while being chased by the Pharaoh and his men. In a moment of foolishness, he walked right up to the Red Sea. They were trapped.
"God dammit," said Moses.

So God did.

My Wife and I Were Sitting at a Table

At her high school reunion, when she kept staring at a drunken man swigging a beer as he sat at a nearby table.

I asked her "Do you know him?"

"Yes" she sighed. "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago & he hasn't been sober since.

"WOW" I said. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating for so long?!?"

And that's when the fight started....

Why was the necrophiliac depressed?

His rotten girlfriend split on him.

My girlfriend said she was sick of me pretending to be a detective...

...and that "we should split up"

"Good idea", I said, "that way we can cover more ground"

Split joke, My girlfriend said she was sick of me pretending to be a detective...

My girlfriend told me I look "uncool" with a bike helmet on...

Well you know I'd rather look uncool than fall and split my head open during sex.

My girlfriend told me she's sick of me pretending to be a detective.

Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. I think we should split up."

Me: "Good idea. We can cover more ground that way."

There are no divorce courts at the North Pole,

so when Santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon.

They're great for separating independent Clauses.


"I have a split personality."

...said Tom, being frank.

My girlfriend is getting bored of my obsession with pretending to be a detective, she's suggested we should split up.

It's a good idea, we'll cover more ground that way.

I chopped the clock in half.

It was a split second decision.

Who split the arctic sea?

Eskimoses

An Elf, a Dwarf, and a Hobbit walk into a bar...

All three proceed to eat, drink and have a good time, slamming down pint after pint of ale until finally the pub was closing. The bartender asks them how he should split the tab as it was a pretty hefty sum.

"I got this," replies the Elf as he looks at the bill. "My two friends here are always a little short anyway."

I was amazed

As I get older, I never stop learning new things every day. I'm a new dad and the other day I was changing my baby when all of a sudden my kid rolls off of the changing table. As if animal instincts kicked into me in that split moment, or super powers of sorts, I swoop down with lightning speed and catch him INCHES off of the ground! Still to this day I'm amazed; I had no idea babies could bounce that high off of marbled flooring.

Never trust an atom

when the pressure is on, they split.

My wife once asked me if I would ever sleep with her sister if we split up.

Which sister? is not the correct answer.

Three mice are arguing whether the holes are part of the cheese or not.

The one that thought they WERE went to the wise old owl for advice. When he got back, the cheese was gone. He asked the other two mice:

"What happened to the cheese?"

They replied:

"We decided to agree with you, so we split the cheese into thirds, and your third happened to be the holes."

Doing the splits

I told my yoga instructor I wanted to be able to do the splits. She asked how flexible I was. I told her I couldn't come on Tuesdays.

My wife tells me I look uncool wearing a bike helmet

But I'd rather look uncool than fall and split my head open during sex.

My girlfriend said she's fed up with me always pretending I'm a detective, and that we should split up...

I told her that's great, we can cover more ground that way.

Dolphin joke...made it up myself today. :)

An aquarium guide brought a group of visitors around to see the dolphins, which were split up into two tanks. In the first tank the dolphins were all having fun, playing around with a beach ball. In the second tank the dolphins were training, working hard on a new trick. One of the visitors asked the guide, "So is this tank for the more serious dolphins?" The guide said, "Yes, for all intensive porpoises."

At the sister's

Oh no, Roger, why did you two split up?

She's a liar and a cheat! She said she was the whole night at her sister's!

So? Maybe she was.

Yeah, no way. I was at her sister's the whole night!

An elderly couple goes to Burger King, where they carefully split a burger and fries. A trucker takes pity on them and offers to buy the wife her own meal.''It's all right,'' says the husband. ''We share everything.''

A few minutes later, the trucker notices that the wife hasn't taken a bite. ''I really wouldn't mind buying your wife her own meal,'' he insists.''She'll eat,'' the husband assures him. ''We share everything.''Unconvinced, the trucker implores the wife, ''Why aren't you eating?''The wife snaps, ''Because I'm waiting for the teeth!''

My wife's high school reunion

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

Jesus and Moses compete who can cross a river faster:

Jesus and Moses compete who can cross a river faster. Moses makes the water split and walks on dry land to the other side. Jesus tries to walk on water, but glug... glug... glug... he starts sinking. "What's the matter?" asks Jesus, "I walked on the water quite well 2000 years ago..." "Well," replies Moses, "that was before you got those holes in your feet..."

Three priests gathered together for a drink .

During their get together ,the host ask the other two :

- How do you split your money with the Lord ?

"I draw a line on the floor in my church ,then ,i throw the money in the air ,whatever is on my side I get to keep ,whatever falls on his side he keeps it" sais the first priest.

The second one replies "well I draw circle and then I' throw the money in the air ,whatever falls inside the circle is mine ,whatever Falls outside the circle is His" .

"How do you split your money ?" they both ask the host priest.

I' just throw the money in the air and he keeps whatever he wants.

How many D&D players does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them. Never split the party.

My girlfriend said she would break up with me if I said another Scooby-Doo quote.

My last words to her were Alright, let's split up gang.

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one orders a beer.
The second one orders half a beer.
The third one orders a quarter of a beer.
The fourth one orders an eighth of a beer.
At this point, the bartender has enough, poors the mathematicians two beers and says: "There you go, split them yourselves."

My wife and I split up because of psychological reasons...

She was Psycho and I was Logical.

What's the difference between your parents and a banana?

You didn't make the banana split.

My last girlfriend was a Geologist...

She kept finding faults in me. Cracks soon appeared and we eventually split.

[negotiating candy with a 3 year old]

**Me:** we can split this 50/50

**3yo:** 60/50

**Me:** that's not how math works...

**3yo [narrows eyes]:** 80/50

I think my girlfriend is obsessed with scooby doo.

She keeps telling me we should split up and search for other people.

My wife says we should split up because I keep pretending I'm a detective

I said good idea, we can cover more ground that way

A guy limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.

The attendant began to make it for him and said "Crushed nuts?" And the guy said, No, I just have a bad knee."

Guess what two cannibals did for dinner in Prague?

They split the Czech!

My GF said she was fed up with me acting like a detective.She wanted to split up.

I said,Good Idea,That way we can cover more ground!

God vs Satan

In contrast to popular beliefs, Heaven and Hell dont lie above each other, but next to each other.
Because God didnt want people be tempted to cross sides, he came to an agreement with Satan: they would have a wall build and split the bill afterwards.
Ofcourse as you could imagin when the wall was build, Satan plays deaf and dumb when it comes to the bill.
After some time God is fed up with Satan's behaviour and confronts him. "If you dont pay your share, i'll sue you!"

Satan shrugs and laughs: "what are you going to do? I got all the lawyers here"

I went to a psychiatrist today. She told me I had a split personality and charged me $160

I gave her $80 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot.

A little old man goes to the ice cream parlor.

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Where do you learn to make a banana split?

Sundae school.

A boss and his two workers had a genie appear before them...

The genie in his traditional style offered three wishes to them, so they decided to split the three wishes amongst them. The first worker said:

"I wish for a party yacht with hundreds of beautiful girls crawling all over me."

Poof, and he was gone. Seeing this, the second worker eagerly said:

"I wish for a castle with hundreds of staff and a limitless credit card."

Poof, and he too was gone. Scratching his stubble, the boss sighed.

"I want those two goddamn loafers back in the office before lunch break ends!"

A little boy never saw his buttocks.

The boy never saw his buttocks all these years. One day at school he did not complete his homework so got a spanking from the teacher on the bottoms. Sobbing he rushed home and to look at the damage turned towards a mirror and shouted..

"Oh my God she split it in half. "

Me and my girlfriend split up because she said I thought about video games too much.

It's such a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

Some people think I have a split personality.

To them I say: "No, he doesn't."

Can I tell banana jokes on this sub?

Because opinions on those jokes are pretty *split*. I don't know if they'll ap*peal* to everyone.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the split sill jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working split breakup piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes