Split In Half Jokes
43 split in half jokes and hilarious split in half puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about split in half that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Split In Half Short Jokes
Short split in half jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The split in half humour may include short splitting up jokes also.
- Divorce I consider myself pretty lucky in my divorce because we negotiated a 50-50 split of our assets. My wife got half, my lawyer got half.
- My sister and her husband just split up, so I got my 8 year old niece the new "Divorce Barbie" She comes with half of Ken's stuff.
- What did the peninsula say before it was split in half by a flowing mass of water? Crimea River
- A good groaner What do you get when you combine an elephant and a poodle?
A dead poodle, split in half. - A rope gets in an accident where it was split in half... The rope's friend, worried, asks if he is okay. The rope responds, "I'm a frayed knot"
- We argued for hours about whether to chop the princes in half across or lengthwise... ...but in the end we were just splitting heirs.
- My coworker couldn't decide which grandparents should be her 2 children's legal guardians, so I said to split them up. Then you only have to decide who gets the top half, who gets the bottom.
- What do you get when you breed a chihuahua and an elephant? A dead chihuahua split in half
- s**... with me is like the latest Avengers movie There's always a bunch of nice guys who hate the fact that Im the one to split it in half
- Did you know that if you take all the people in the world and split them in half you'd be a mass m**...
Share These Split In Half Jokes With Friends
Split In Half One Liners
Which split in half one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with split in half? I can suggest the ones about spilt and split.
- How do you split Rome in half? You use a pair of caesars.
- I chopped the clock in half. It was a split second decision.
- What do you get when you mate an elephant with a poodle? A poodle split in half.
- Magicians are celebrating 100 years of sawing people in half I'm split in two about it.
- What do you call a TV that has been split in half? A Telefission.
- Whats the worst part of getting divorced? You can't split the kids in half too.
- "May I buy half a rabbit?"
"No, we don't split hares."
Split In Half Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about split in half you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean half wit jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make split in half pranks.
A man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast-food restaurant.
He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and as he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries until each had half of them. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would let him buy another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, “Oh, no.
We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared 50-50.”
The young man asked the wife if she was going to eat, to which she replied,
“Not yet. It’s his turn to use our teeth.”
Computer gender joke
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is impossible to understand for everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval;
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem;
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model.
Buying aspirin
Joe has always had an uncontrollable twitch in his left eyelid since young. Fred has a splitting headache and asks Joe to go get some aspirins. Half an hour later Joe comes back with a dozen packets of condoms.
"I asked you to get me aspirins, not condoms."
"Yeah, I went to a dozen drug stores, but have you ever tried asking for aspirin with a tic in your eye?"
An elderly couple go to a restaurant
One day, an elderly couple walk into a restaurant.
They sit down and order one meal.
When the waiter serves the meal, the woman splits everything in half and shares it with her husband. The meal, the salad, and the drink.
Intrigued by this strange behavior, the guy sitting next to them asks the couple if he can buy them an extra meal.
The woman tells him that there is no need for that. She explains to him that she and her husband took an oath to share everything they have and split things in half whenever they can.
"Fine" says the man. "But why are you not eating your food? Why are you watching your husband eat instead?".
The woman answers him: As I said, we share everything. We only have one Denture.
^^Denture: ^^Set ^^of ^^false ^^teeth.
A Rapey looking man follows two Nuns...SFW
There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) ,
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL)
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical He wants to r**... us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical .
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me
SM : Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL : The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM : And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
Jesus and Moses and another guy go for a round of golf
So they all line up and Moses hits the ball first. It flies up and lands straight in the pond. Moses then walks to the pond and splits the water in half, chips his ball onto the green and pots it in for par.
Jesus then steps up, again hits it into the pond. He walks on the pond finds the ball chips it up onto the green for par.
This other guy looks at these two for a moment before stepping up to hit the ball. The ball flies up in the air before again landing in the pond. Amazingly a fish swallows the ball, just as it does this a big bird grabs it out of the pond, the fish drops the ball midair and it rolls into the hole for a hole in one!
Moses then turns to Jesus and goes "i hate playing with your dad"
A deaf couple are on a road trip
My deaf professor told me this joke (in sign language) in college:
A deaf couple are on a road trip. The wife signs to the husband that she is tired, and they should look for a motel for the night. The husband pulls over into the next motel, and they reserve a room.
In the middle of the night, the husband wakes up with a splitting headache. He signs to his wife his wife if they have any ibuprofen. The wife groggily replies to check the glove compartment in the car.
The man, half asleep, gets out of bed, walks out to the car, and finds the pills in the glove compartment.
He gets out of the car to make his way back to the room, but immediately forgets which room is his. So he gets back into the car and SLAMS on the horn and holds it.
Little by little, every room in the motel turns on their light. All but one. That's his room!
What do a texas twister and a texas divorce have in common???????????????
Either way the trailer gets split in half.
How do we know the toothbrush was invented in Texas?????
because if it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush
Two cannibals are eating a guy...
They decide to split him up into halves. One cannibal takes the top and the other takes the bottom. The cannibal on the bottom asks the one eating the top half how it tastes.
"Good, can't complain." he replies
The cannibal on top asks the cannibal eating the lower half how it's going.
"Great! I'm having a ball!"
i was cutting boards at work...
i was cutting boards at work, as i went to bring my saw down to do a cut a rabbit jumped right on the cutting table and got cut right in half, my boss ran over and said "you just chopped that rabbit in half" and i said "no i cut it in half" to which he responded "now you are just splitting hairs
After much discussion, it was decided that Korea would divide its capital city into two, half for North and half for South, the job of splitting the city went to some unusual ministers: Cenobites. In their first public address about their new task, they gave their mission statement:
"We'll tear your Seoul apart"
A sword master was administering his final test to his students.
He called forth his first student and released a fly. The student swung his sword and the fly fell in half, split down the middle.
He called forth the second student and release a fly. The student slashed his sword and the fly fell apart, split top and bottom.
He called forth his final student and released a fly. The student swiped twice and the fly staggered briefly before carrying on.
The sword master approached the student and said, The fly is still alive.
The student nodded and replied, Yes. But now it will never have children.
In love and war.
A couple is going through a bitter divorce. The mans prize possession: baseball collectibles valued at $10000. Everyone knows, his spouse is entitled to half, in lieu of splitting his prized collection, he offers 8k cash. Out of spite she denies the offer and insists the collection be split. She too had a collection of shoes and has over 1000 pairs with roughly the same value. Fair being fair he insists on taking half.
She gets half of his Yankees, Red Sox, and Cubs collectibles. He gets all the lefts.
A plane has a horrible accident...
...and is split in half horizontally. Everyone is holding onto the oxygen masks above with their legs dangling in the air.
The captain shouts to the passengers, "We can make it, but the weight's off - at least one person needs to let go or else none of us will make it!"
Willing to die for a good cause, a young man shouts "I will sacrifice my life for all of you!"
Everyone claps.
A popular joke within the Jewish community: Four Rabbis are arguing late at night over a passage of the Talmud
Three of the four rabbis argue that the text proves humanity is inherently evil. The fourth rabbi argues that human consciousness means we can choose all of our actions without moral disposition.
After three more hours of arguing, the fourth rabbi shouts, ADONAI, IF I AM CORRECT, GIVE ME A SIGN!
All of the sudden, lighting cracks directly next to the synagogue, splitting a tree perfectly in half without singeing a single leaf or blade of grass below.
The first three rabbis pause, before one of them declares,
* That's still two against three! *
Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first one orders a beer.
The second one orders half a beer.
The third one orders a quarter of a beer.
The fourth one orders an eighth of a beer.
At this point, the bartender has enough, poors the mathematicians two beers and says: "There you go, split them yourselves."
Bill Gates recently split up with Melinda Gates, who will take half of his belongings, including Microsoft office.
But she will only get Microsoft Excel and Powerpoint, because he always keeps his Word.
shoutout u/Duttywood
A concerned citizen sees a distraught woman wandering around desperately calling out for someone she had become separated from...
Ever vigilant, the concerned citizen offers his help and asks what the lost individual looks like, and the woman describes a young girl who looks a little like her.
They decide to split up to cover more ground, and after a while the concern citizen sees a girl who matches the description. "Denise! Denise, is that you?" he asked.
She paused half a beat and sneered, "Of course I'm de niece, ya dingus. Where da h**... is de aunt?"
A little boy never saw his buttocks.
The boy never saw his buttocks all these years. One day at school he did not complete his homework so got a spanking from the teacher on the bottoms. Sobbing he rushed home and to look at the damage turned towards a mirror and shouted..
"Oh my God she split it in half. "