Split End Jokes
12 split end jokes and hilarious split end puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about split end that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Split End Short Jokes
Short split end jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The split end humour may include short ending jokes also.
- The doctor's price for my vasectomy was a little high for me, but my offer was too low for him. In the end we split the deferens.
- We should add a leap second to December 31st 2020 Just to make people watching the live clock think for a split second that the year will never end
- Why do doctors hate treating each other? Because they always end up arguing over how to split the check.
- Why did the football coach call his quarterback a hairdresser? Because he missed a split-end on a curl.
- We argued for hours about whether to chop the princes in half across or lengthwise... ...but in the end we were just splitting heirs.
- I just got a new Sony P station, It had split-stream, so I just ended up messing the toilet seat.
- It's ok to leave a client with split ends if you're a hairdresser. But not if you're a mohel!
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Split End Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about split end you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean ending call jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make split end pranks.
A piece of rope walks into a bar.....
The bartender says, "hey, we don't serve your kind here. Now get out!" The piece of rope leaves, but it's determined to get a drink, so it starts rolling on the ground, ties itself up and splits it's ends. Looking beat up, the rope walks back into the bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at the rope and says, "hey, aren't you that piece of rope that I just kicked out of here?" The rope looks at the bartender and says, "nope, I'm a frayed knot."
A boss and his two workers had a genie appear before them...
The genie in his traditional style offered three wishes to them, so they decided to split the three wishes amongst them. The first worker said:
"I wish for a party yacht with hundreds of beautiful girls crawling all over me."
p**..., and he was gone. Seeing this, the second worker eagerly said:
"I wish for a castle with hundreds of staff and a limitless credit card."
p**..., and he too was gone. Scratching his stubble, the boss sighed.
"I want those two g**... loafers back in the office before lunch break ends!"
For anyone who gets confused about proper grammar and style in writing
I offer from the Internet, the following tip sheet, "How to Write Good":
- It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
- Contractions aren't necessary
- The passive voice is to be avoided.
- Prepositions are not the words to end sentences with.
- Be more or less specific.
- Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
- One-word sentences? Eliminate.
- Who needs rhetorical questions?
- Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
2 Mexican brothers crossed the border and need money
(Slightly Racist - You have been warned)
Jose and Juan, 2 brothers, crossed the border to USA and had no cash. Their plan was to beg on the streets for some money. So the two brothers both got cardboard and made their own signs. Juan says "Lets split up, you go up the street, I do down, we meet here at night."
Jose agrees to the plan and heads up the street with his sign begging for money at a busy intersection. Juan feeling good about his plan goes down the street at another intersection and begs also.
By the end of the day, the 2 brothers meet where they started with all their money. Juan, still feeling good about his plan, shows his younger brother he made $40! While Juan is laughing, his younger brother pulls out $200 from his pockets.
Juan shocked ask his brother, "How did you make so much money?" His brother responded, "Read my sign." Jose's sign reads "Need $20 to go back to Mexico"
(My dad told me this joke when I was 10, I live in LA area)
A piece of butter...
A piece of butter, Joe, has lived a long, satisfying life. He's very content with it, and he realizes that he should end his life here, on a happy note. However, before he does so, he wants to cross a few things off of his "butter list".
First, Joe finds a nearby piece of toast, and hops onto it. He spreads himself out, and relaxes there for a little while. It's fun, but he still doesn't feel completely fulfilled with his life.
Next, Joe searches for a second starchy food to hang out on. He picks a bagel, and stays even longer than he did on the toast. The feeling of being split into a circle revs his engine, and it's hard for him to leave.
Finally, Joe finds a third food and spreads on it. He stays a very long time, and another piece of butter comes over to see what's going on. Joe tells him, "I wanted to experience some new things before I die. But now that I've done all of them, I think it's a good time to go. Nice knowing you!"
He is about to pass away when the other butter stops him. "Wait, Joe!" he cries. "Don't stop now; you're on a roll!"