Spitting Jokes
38 spitting jokes and hilarious spitting puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about spitting that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover the comical new way to entertain yourself with Water Spit Flips! Take a snake, tongue-tickling shot of water, and whip it out of your mouth with a spiral of disgust. Learn to pull off these spits jokes and take your comedy to the next level.
Funniest Spitting Short Jokes
Short spitting jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The spitting humour may include short spits jokes also.
- What is the difference between a teacher and a train? A teacher says "Spit out the gum!"
A train says "Chew! Chew!"
Ye, courtesy of my 8 year old daughter. - Bartender: this scotch is my favorite, it's aged twenty fi---- Leonardo DiCaprio: [spits it out]
- A man spits out his coffee "This tastes like mud!" he said.
"Well of course. It was just ground this morning" replied the waiter. - What's the difference between a teacher and a train? One says, "Spit out your gum!"
The other goes, "Choo Choo Choo" - The new girl at work slapped me today because I asked if she spits or swallows... It seemed like a perfectly reasonable question, considering we work as wine tasters...
- Studies show there is actually intelligent DNA in women. But unfortunately most of them spit it out.
- What's the difference between a teacher and a train?? The teacher tells you to to spit out the gum, while the other says "chew-chew!"
- Yesterday I accidentally sent a n**... picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamp.
- US Postal Service was considering a new Trump postage stamp... But in the early focus-group testing, most people were spitting on the wrong side causing the stamp not to stick to the envelopes.
- A man goes to the restroom, and leaves his drink with a note "I spit into it", to avoid it getting stolen He comes back and finds another note: "me too"
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Spitting One Liners
Which spitting one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with spitting? I can suggest the ones about spit out and spit or swallow.
- Why did the aligator spit out his lunch? Because it was two years old
- Why can't gay people rap? Because they can't spit straight bars.
- Why are dragons so good at rapping? Because they're always spitting fire.
- What do you call a spitting vampire? Spatula.
- Why do stuttering girls give the best head? They just can't spit it out.
- What did Dr. Frankenstein say when his monster spit? "It's saliva! IT'S SALIIIVA!!!"
- The only thing worse than her spitting on your grave... ...is her swallowing on it.
- Why were dragons called rappers during ancient times? Because they used to spit fire.
- If McDonald's starts using nothing but robots who's going to spit in burger?
- Why did she spit out the turkey soup? She said it had a fowl taste.
- Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle? He couldn't yet spit hot fire
- An Australian Chef was caught spitting on every dish he made. His career's saliva now.
- What is it called when your toddler spits out everything you make for him? Feedback
- The bikini barrista I ordered from today spit in my coffee. Only cost me a $1 extra.
- What kind of boxer spits on their opponents face? A beat boxer
Water Spitting Jokes
Here is a list of funny water spitting jokes and even better water spitting puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did the Egyptian spit out his water? Because it came from the Suez.
- Why did the gay guy refuse to spit in the water? He didn't want to seem phlem-bouyant.
Experience Instant Grins & Giggles with Playful Spitting Jokes
What funny jokes about spitting you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean spit take jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make spitting pranks.
A school teacher in Hyderabad was once asked, "Can you make a sentence without using 'E'?"
"I doubt I can. It's a major part of many many words. Omitting it is as hard as making muffins without flour. It's as hard as spitting without saliva, napping without a pillow, driving a train without tracks, sailing to Russia without a boat, washing your hands without soap. And, anyway, what would I gain? An award? A cash bonus? Bragging rights? Why should I strain my brain? It's not worth it."
A wife is complaining about her husband spending all his time at the local tavern, so one night he takes her along with him.
"What'll ya have?" he asks.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replies.
So the husband orders a couple of Jack Daniels and gulps his down in one go.
His wife watches him, then takes a sip from her glass and immediately spits it out.
"Yuck! It tastes awful, worse than awful!" she splutters. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go!" cries the husband. "And you think I am out enjoying myself every night!"
My sister is taking part in a social experiment. She has to wear a Boris is doing his best t-shirt for 2 weeks and see how people react. So far she's been spit on, punched and had a bottle thrown at her!
I'm curious to see what happens when she goes outside.
USPS releases a stamp with Trump's picture
The US Postal Services releases a stamp with a picture of President Trump. But the new stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.
After weeks of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:
The stamp is in perfect order. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive. The fact is, people are spitting on the wrong side.
2 men go fishing, One has a stutter
The man with a stutter says shh ssshhh sshh . The other man says what is it, did you catch a fish ? The stuttering man continues to make ssshhh noises, the other man says spit it out . The stuttering man says ssshhh ship!! Before the 2nd man can react a ship crashes into their boat.
Months later they both have recovered and go on another fishing trip. The stuttering man again starts saying ssshhh . The 2nd man starts panicking thinking he's going to get hurt again. The 2nd man jumps out of the boat as fast as he can, the stuttering man says sshhh sshhh Shark!!
Two cowboys walk into a bar and sit down for a drink.
A woman sitting next to them drinking her martin starts choking on her olive.
One cowboy says to the other cowboy, "I'm going to help that there woman." He looks at her and says, "Are you choking?" And she nods yes. "Do you want me to help you?" Again she nods yes.
With that, the cowboy lifts up her dress, pulls down her p**..., and licks her bare b**.... She gets so flustered she spits out the olive and he saves her life.
As the cowboy sits down next to his friend he says, "That there hind lick maneuver works every time."
My son is taking part in a social experiment where he has to wear a t-shirt saying "GO VEGAN" for 2 weeks and see how people react.
So far, he has been punched, spit on and a bottle thrown at him!
I'm curious to see what happens when he goes outside.
A British man was talking to his friend about his views on Brexit...
"These b**... immigrants come over here. They're up to no good, right? I hate these b**... immigrants. They need to go back to where they came from."
His friend replies with "But why do you hate them so much?"
The British man replies, "I'll tell you why I hate them, I'll tell you why. It's because they're not even trying to be British. That's why. They don't even TRY to be British. They come here, and bring their own b**... culture. They bring their own food, spit their own b**... languages, try to take over the whole b**... place."
His friend replies with "Well, that sounds British to me"
An Arab and a Jew stand in front of a h**... statue.
The Jew spits on the statue.
arab: why did you do that?
Jew: because he killed half my people.
The Arab spits on the statue as well.
Jew: why did you do that?
Arab: because he didn't kill the other half.
An old man is eating some breakfast at a diner when three bikers walk in.
The first biker puts out his cigarette in the old man's pancakes.
The second biker spits out his tobacco in the old man's coffee.
The third biker takes the entire meal and shoves it off the table.
The old man, without saying so much as a word, gets up, pays the waitress, and exits the diner. The bikers laugh and sit at the old man's table. "Not much of a man, was he?" says one of the bikers.
"Not much of a driver either," says the waitress. "That man just drove his 16-wheeler over three bikes."
2 year old son spits on the floor.
Wife: We don't spit. If it's in your mouth you s**... it.
Husband raises eyebrows.
Wife: You shut up!
A German, Italian, And Irishman are sitting at a bar...
when 3 flies fly into the room and into the 3 drinks.
The German puts down the drink, and says "i cant drink this!'
the Italian takes out the fly, and says "that's good enough for me" and continues drinking.
The Irishman starts vigorously shaking the fly, and yells "SPIT IT ALL OUT!!"
An Englishman, and Scotsman and an Irishman were having a pint...
and a fly lands in each of their drinks. The Englishman, disgusted, pushes away his pint and leaves. The Scotsman flicks the fly out and continues to drink his pint. The Irishman picks up the fly, holds it over the glass and yells "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!"
A plane just landed...
Little Kid: "Were almost home now they just have to park the plane."
His Dad: "Better hope they dont forget to put the parking brake on so we dont go back up."
I heard this on my plane ride and the Dad's family looked like they wanted to spit on him for his magnificent Dad joke.
I searched Reddit and this joke hasn't been posted.
USPS came out with a Donald Trump stamp. They were Yugely popular at first, but suddenly went out of circulation, because they wont stick to the envelopes.
This enraged the president, and he demanded a full investigation, blamed the democrats and JINA and the lame-stream media.
After months of testing, costing $2.65 billion in congressional spending and firing of 25+ people, the special prosecutor appointed by Trump presented the following findings.
* The stamps have no manufacturing defects.
* There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
* People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.
