The Best 31 Spitting Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Spitting jokes. There are some spitting pukes jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these spitting snot puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Spitting Jokes and Puns

A school teacher in Hyderabad was once asked, "Can you make a sentence without using 'E'?"

"I doubt I can. It's a major part of many many words. Omitting it is as hard as making muffins without flour. It's as hard as spitting without saliva, napping without a pillow, driving a train without tracks, sailing to Russia without a boat, washing your hands without soap. And, anyway, what would I gain? An award? A cash bonus? Bragging rights? Why should I strain my brain? It's not worth it."

Just a little update on the situation with my son because some of you have been fairly concerned.

He has taken going to jail pretty hard. He is refusing all food, spitting and screaming at everyone and is threatening violence at anyone who comes near him. He has smeared the walls with his shit and is refusing to wear any clothes.

As a family we are united in our decision not to play Monopoly with him ever again.

There was once a truck driver eating at a diner.

He was enjoying his meal, when a gang of bikers walked in. They started bullying him, by dumping salt and pepper all over him, spitting in his coffee, and stealing his food. To their surprise, the truck driver did nothing, but pay the bill, and walk out of the diner.

As they are marveling about this, the waitress comes up to them. The biker gang says that the truck driver wasn't much of a fighter.

The waitress then looks out into the night and says, He doesn't look to be much of a driver either. He just ran over 3 motorcycles.

Spitting joke, There was once a truck driver eating at a diner.

US Postal Service was considering a new Trump postage stamp...

But in the early focus-group testing, most people were spitting on the wrong side causing the stamp not to stick to the envelopes.

Why are dragons so good at rapping?

Because they're always spitting fire.


What do you call a spitting vampire?

Spatula.

Me :well, you know, change is inedible

Her : I think you mean inevitable

Me : *spitting out nickels* nope

Spitting joke, Me :well, you know, change is inedible

Three babies in the womb.

They are discussing what they would like to be when they grow up.

The first one says, "I wanna be a plumber, so I can fix the pipes in here."

The second one says, "I wanna be an electrician, so I can get some lights in here."

The third one says, "I wanna be a boxer."

The others look confused and ask, "Why do you want to be a boxer?"

He replies, "So I can beat the hell out of that rude bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us."

The only thing worse than her spitting on your grave...

...is her swallowing on it.

One day a baseball umpire brought his son to a game to watch him work. Dutmring the game, the umpire was rude and insulting, even to the point of spitting and cursing the players. At the end of the game he knelt down and beckoned his son to come sit on his knee. The boy refused saying . . .

The son never sits on the brutish umpire.

The US Postal service released a new stamp with a picture of Donald Trump on it, however the new stamp isn't sticking to envelopes. The POTUS got an investigation underway.

Investigation outcome:
There's nothing wrong with the stamp.
People are spitting on the wrong side.

You can explore spitting disgust reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean spitting spew dad jokes. There are also spitting puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


I made fun of an art college student with drool hanging off his face...

He decided to draw my caricature and had passers by vandalise it with mucus to teach me a lesson.

It was the spitting image of me.

A dude on the street yelled that it's allowed to be LGBTQ nowadays and said it was 100% true

A man walked by and said:

"You're not spitting straight facts, that's for sure"

What's the difference between spitting, swallowing and gargling?

Love, true love, expert technique.

Why should you always trust fax machines?

Cuz they be straight up spitting fax all the time

A Swedish bartender is found to be the spitting image of Leonardo DiCaprio

As it turns out, they have the same amount of Oscars, too.

Spitting joke, A Swedish bartender is found to be the spitting image of Leonardo DiCaprio

An Australian Chef was caught spitting on every dish he made.

His career's saliva now.

ESA to release second probe "SHIO" to 67P

The "Philae-Shio" team will be sucking in 67P's particles and spitting out information to be sent back to ESA for examination.

I got into a fight with my girlfriend who has gingivitis

I was spitting facts whilst she was spitting blood.


The U.S. postal services came out with a new Donald Trump stamp. Although they received many complaints that they were defective!

After polling the public on how the stamp is defective, they figured out nothing was wrong with the stamp at all!

The americans were just not spitting on the right side!

A llama saw it self in the mirror

It was the spitting image

A milk thief goes into a barn

He finds a suitable cattle, and tries to milk it. Eventually he resorts to sucking on the udder, and eventually gets a spurt of gelatinous, salty milk. The farmer enters to see the man spitting it out, before the man remarks about the disgusting milk.

Farmer hands him a bucket, and points to another heifer. He says

"That's the female cow right there."

What do you call a spitting alarm?

An Allarma

Emily Blunt will star in a new crime movie where she hunts down hitmen who keep swallowing their targets and spitting out bigger versions of themselves.

It's titled Agario.

What's the last sound pubic hair hears b4 it hits the ground?

(spitting noise)

The Spitting Cobra's venom can make you go blind. What Swedish snake can help you see more clearly?

The Vindshield Viper!

It's "spitting image", not "spit image".

I know that's just split hairs, but still.

The Washington Capitals are a spitting image of the current White House administration.

A team full of goons that are led by a couple of Russians that call the shots.

My girl and I got into a romantic spat

I mean, really got into it. Never thought spitting on one another would rejuvenate our sex life.

What's the difference between a feminist and a Roomba?

A Roomba actually swallows instead of spitting out

I thought I saw Jamie Carragher in his car yesterday.

If it wasn't him, it was a spitting image.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the spitting saliva jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working spitting sprinkler piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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