spits Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious spits puns

An Arab and a Jew stand in front of a Hitler statue.

The Jew spits on the statue.
Arab: why did you do that?
Jew: because he killed half my people.

The Arab spits on the statue as well.
Jew: why did you do that?
Arab: because he didn't kill the other half.

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My girlfriend is so ungrateful. Whenever I give her an orgasm...

... she just spits it out.

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A man spits out his coffee

"This tastes like mud!" he said.
"Well of course. It was just ground this morning" replied the waiter.

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A woman sits down at a bar and asks for a drink.

"I hear you have a drink that is guaranteed to be as good as an orgasm in my mouth or my money back, I'll have one of those."

The Barkeep mixes, stirs, shakes and pours and serves the young lady the drink.

The yound lady takes a sip and spits the drink on the floor.

"Ugh, this is horrible. It's tastes warm, salty, and slimy, I can't believe I put that in my mouth."

"That'll be $10" says the bartender.

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2 year old son spits on the floor.

Wife: We don't spit. If it's in your mouth you swallow it.
Husband raises eyebrows.
Wife: You shut up!

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The new girl at work slapped me today because I asked if she spits or swallows...

It seemed like a perfectly reasonable question, considering we work as wine tasters...

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"Name that drink."

A guy walks into a bar and announces that he can close his eyes and name the kind of alcohol he is drinking and how old it is, just by taste and smell.

A drunken guy at the bar says, "I bet I can give you a drink that you can't name."

"You're on," replies the guy, "as long as you pay."

So the drunken guy puts a drink on the table. The guy sips it, gags and spits it out. "This tastes like piss!"

"Yeah," says the drunken guy, "now guess how old I am."

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I love giving my girlfriend orgasms.

Too bad she just spits them out.

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A man walks into a bar ...

And proceeds to order a beer. The bartender says, "Sure, that'll be 25 cents please". The man almost spits out his beer in shock.

"Wow, 25 cents! I'll get some chicken wings too!"

The bartender replies, "That'll be 30 cents!"

"Where is the owner", asks the man, "I want to shake his hand!"

"Upstairs with my sister", replies the barkeep.

"Huh, why?", asks the confused costumer.

"He's doing to her, what I'm doing to his bar."

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Family dinner

A man shoots a few bunnies and he decides to cook them for the family dinner that weekend. However, the kids really like cute little bunnies, so he can't say what they're eating.

During dinner, his son asks:

"Dad, what meat is this?"

The man smiles at his wife and answers:

"Take a guess! Your mum calls me that sometimes..."

At these words, his daughter spits out the food and screams at her brother:

"Don't eat it, it's a dick!"

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my girlfriend hates orgasms

when ever I give her one she just spits it out.

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Guy goes to a brothel... (NSFW)

He chooses a girl and they retreat to a room. He goes down on her. A moment later, he lifts his head and spits out a mouthful of corn. A bit perturbed, he resumes anyway. A moment later, he bolts up and spits out a mouthful of carrot bits. Now he's pretty freaked out, but still he resumes. Finally, he lifts his head and spits out a mouthful of English peas.
At this point, he's disgusted, and says, "damn, girl. Are you sick or something?"
"No," she says, "but the guy before you was."

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Triplets

There are triplets in a mothers womb, talking about what they want to do when they grow up.

The first triplet says "When I grow up, I will be an electrician, because it's too dark in here."

The second triplet says "When I grow up, I will be a plumber, because it's too wet in here."

The third triplet says, "When I grow up I want to be a boxer, so that I can beat up that bald guy who comes in here and spits on us all the time!"

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A well dressed gentlemen walks into a bar...

"I would like a 12 year old brandy, please" The barkeep pours him a drink, he takes a sip, and immediately spits it out. "This brandy is only 10 years old! How dare you insult a man of my stature with an inferior brandy!"

The barman apologizes and offers another drink, on the house of course. "I'll have a 15 year old Scotch." He takes a sip, spits out, and proclaims "This Scotch is only 12 years old! How dare you insult a man of my stature with an inferior Scotch! I'll give you one more chance: I would like a 30 year old port wine."

Before the barman can react, a man at the end of the bar asks him to give a drink he has to the well-dressed man. The man takes a sip, spits it out, and proclaims "my lord, this tastes like urine!" The man at the end says, "It is, now tell me how old I am."

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A man comes home to his wife...

... and says, "Honey, pack your bags... I just won the lottery!!!!"

Overflown with excitement, she spits out, "What should I pack?"

He says, " I don't care, just pack, and get the **FUCK OUT.**"

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Husband takes his wife to the pub

A nagging wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he takes her along with him.

"What'll you have?" he asks.
"Oh, I don't know. Same as you I suppose," she replies.

The husband orders a couple of straight whiskies and throws his down in one gulp. His wife watches him, takes a sip from her glass and immediately spits it out.

"Yuck, it's horrible," she splutters. "I don't know how you can drink that stuff!"
"Well there you go," cries the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a shot of 15 year old scotch...

The bartender thinks, "This guy doesn't know 15 year old scotch from water". So he pours some cheap whiskey for the guy, who throws back the shot and spits it out all over the bar. "No, Damn it!", yells the man, "I want 15 year old scotch, not this house crap." The bartender wants to test him now and gives him a shot of six year old scotch.
The man drinks it and spits it out. "That's six year old scotch. I want 15 year old scotch!." So the bartender pours a shot of 9 year old scotch. The man drinks it and spits it on the bar. "Look, I'm not asking you again!. I want 15 year old scotch, not the 9 year old!"
So the bartender finally gives the man 15 year old scotch. He drinks it down and says, "Finally.Thank you. That's very good." The drunk bum sitting next to the man is amazed. He leans over and says, "I've never seen anything like that before." The bum hands him a bottle and says, "Here, try this." The man drinks a big swallow and immediately sprays it all over the place. "What the fuck is that?" he splutters. "It tastes like piss!" The bum hiccups and say, "Yes, It's my piss. Now, how old am I?"

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Lifesavers

A elementary school teacher is teaching her students about the 5 senses. For taste, she gives them each lifesavers. The kids guess what flavor they are. They go through cherry, grape, and apple. The last one the teacher gives out is honey flavored. None of the kids can guess the flavor. Trying to give them a hint, the teacher says "it's something your mother probably calls your father". suddenly a little girl spits out her lifesaver and calls out "EWWWW THEY'RE ASSHOLES"

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This guy is out fishing on a cold morning

and he is not having much luck. Well, down the dock he notices an old man who is doing great, just reeling in fish after fish.

He goes over and ask the old man what's his secret. The old man just mumbles something incoherent. The younger man leans in, "I'm sorry, what?"

The old man mumbles again, this time a bit louder.

"I'm sorry, I still didn't understand you."

The old man turn his back, spits a wad into his hand, turns back and says, "You have to keep your worms warm."

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What's the difference between your mom and an alpaca?

One's a hairy beast that spits and the other's native to South America.

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Four CEOs meet up at a bar

Its the CEO of Budweiser, CEO of Heineken, CEO of Carlsberg and CEO of Guinness. The CEO from Budweiser orders a Bud and says "the best selling beer in america" and enjoys a sip. The CEO of Heineken orders him a Heineken, says "the best selling beer in Europe" and takes a sip. The CEO of Carlsberg takes a bottle of Carlsberg, takes a sip and say "probably the best beer in the world". The CEO of Guinness askes the bartender if he can have pepsi, all the other CEO's spits out their beer and start laughing at him and asks why he don't order a beer. The CEO of Guiness shrugs and said "if you girls ain't ordering beer, then neither am I."

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How do you know if Helen Keller just masturbated?

She spits when she talks.

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A man walks into a bar.....

A guy walks into a bar and announces that he can close his eyes and name what kind of alcohol he is drinking and how old it is, just by taste and smell.

A drunken guy at the bar says, "I bet I can give you a drink that you can't name."

"You're on," replies the guy, "as long as you pay."

So the drunken guy puts a drink on the table. The guy sips it, gags and spits it out. "This tastes like piss!"

"Yeah," says the drunken guy, "now guess how old I am."

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The teacher gives out candy...

To all of her students, and asks them to try it, and then guess what flavor it is. The first with a strawberry candy says "Is it Strawberry?" and the teacher replies, "Very Good!", then the second with the blueberry candy says "Is it Blueberry?" and again the teacher replies "Very Good!". Finally the last student with the honey flavored candy says "I don't know this flavor." and the teacher says "It's the word your mom calls your dad", the little girl spits out the candy and screams, "IT TASTES LIKE ASSHOLE!".

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Naming Drinks

A guy walks into a bar and announces that he can close his eyes and name what kind of alcohol he is drinking and how old it is, just by taste and smell.

A drunken guy at the bar says, "I bet I can give you a drink that you can't name."

"You're on," replies the guy, "as long as you pay."

So the drunken guy puts a drink on the table. The guy sips it, gags and spits it out. "This tastes like piss!"

"Yeah," says the drunken guy, "now guess how old I am."

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A redneck and a midget get into an accident

The midget gets out of his car, hands on his hips and squeaks angrily, "I am not happy!"

The redneck spits and drawls "so which one are you?"

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Truck driver

An old man is eating his lunch in a restaurant when three bikers walk up to him.

they make fun of him for being old, and then one of them stubs his cigarette into the truck driver's food. Another spits in the truck driver's milk. The last one smashes the truck driver's food on the ground.

So old man gets up and leaves.

"not much of a man, was he?" one of the bikers says to the waitress.

"not much of a truck driver either" she says. "he just backed his truck over three motorcycles"

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There is a farmer waiting in line at the patent office

There is a farmer in line at the patent office.

Once his turn comes, the farmer shows the patent clerk an apple. "I want to patent this apple," he says.

The patent clerk starts making fun of him. "You're saying you invented the apple?" "This is no ordinary apple" the farmer reveals.

"This is a very special apple. If you take a bite, you'll realize this apple tastes like pussy".

The clerk again makes fun of him, but now he's curious.

So takes a bite, chews and then spits everything on the floor. "What the fuck!" the patent clerk screams. "This apple tastes like ass!"

And the farmer said: "Turn it around, stupid!"

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Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,

chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She ain't spoke to me in over 2 months.'
Earl spits, sips his beer and says, 'Better think it over -women like that are hard to find.

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Mammoth walks down the street.

All of a sudden a dozen of elephants get out of the corner, see Mammoth, come by and beat the shit out of him.

After they left Mammoth stands up, spits broken tusks and says: "Fucking skinheads!"

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2 Texans are bragging about how big their ranches are

The first guy says "Well I'll put it to you this way, I can get in my truck before sunrise, drive all day long, and by sundown I still haven't hit the other side of my spread."

The other fella looks down, spits, and says "Yeah, I used to have a truck like that"

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Ill have a pepsi please

Four CEO's meet up at a bar. Its the CEO of Budweiser, CEO of Heineken, CEO of Carlsberg and CEO of Guinness. The CEO from Budweiser orders a Bud and says "the best selling beer in america" and enjoys a sip. The CEO of Heineken orders him a Heineken, says "the best selling beer in Europe" and takes a sip. The CEO of Carlsberg takes a bottle of Carlsberg, takes a sip and say "probably the best beer in the world". The CEO of Guinness askes the bartender if he can have pepsi, all the other CEO's spits out their beer and start laughing at him and asks why he don't order a beer. The CEO of Guiness shrugs and said "if you girls ain't ordering beers, then neither am i"

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Mr. No-One and Mr. Nobody are sitting in a tree.

Under them, Mr. Stupid is sitting on a bench.

Suddenly Mr. No-One spits on Mr. Stupid's head. Mr. Stupid is livid and storms off to the Cops to report him.

He bursts through the door and yells:

'No-One spat on my head and Nobody saw it!'

The officer looks at him dumbfounded and asks: 'Are you stupid?'


'Yep, that's me!'

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What's for dinner

Dad goes hunting and bags a dear. He cleans it and wife prepares it for dinner.

At dinner, she asks the kids to guess what the meat is. They go through a few animals before she offers a hint: "I sometimes call your dad this."

Emily spits otu her food. "JOEY don't eat that, it's an asshole!"

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A man walks into a bar and says to the barman ...

"Give me a shot of vintage 20 year single malt whiskey"

The bartender thinks "This fool doesn't know what he is talking about, Ill give him the well whiskey"

On taking a sip, the man spits it out and says "that is disgusting - I said the 20 year whiskey!"

The bartender decides to test him and gives him a glass Of 10 year old whiskey. The man takes a sip and spits it out saying "that was better but it's still not 20 year whiskey!"

Impressed, the bartender takes down the top shelf whiskey and serves it. The man takes a sip and says "LOVELY - just what I wanted!"

Watching all this from the end of the bar is a drunk who staggers over with a glass. He says to the man "that was very impressive. Tell me what you think of this?"

The man takes a sip and vomits it to the floor and screamed "that is awful, what was it?"

The drunk says "I just pissed in that glass. How old am I ?"

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What are the most funny Spits jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Spits? Well, here are the best Spits dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Spits pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes