The Best 40 Spits Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Spits jokes. There are some spits drops jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these spits turns puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Spits Jokes and Puns


There are triplets in a mothers womb, talking about what they want to do when they grow up.

The first triplet says "When I grow up, I will be an electrician, because it's too dark in here."

The second triplet says "When I grow up, I will be a plumber, because it's too wet in here."

The third triplet says, "When I grow up I want to be a boxer, so that I can beat up that bald guy who comes in here and spits on us all the time!"

What's the difference between your mom and an alpaca?

One's a hairy beast that spits and the other's native to South America.

So one time this chick is going down on me,

and I give her the "courtesy tap" because I'm about to blow. She just keeps on going and I'm like, "I hit the jackpot here!" So I finish, and she leans back and picks up a glass off the coffee table and spits in it.

I was like, "Wow, that was *hot*.

She says, "Well, I don't swallow."

I say, "Well, that'd be weird if you told me you were waitin' for it to cool off.."

Stole it from somebody way funnier than me.

Spits joke, So one time this chick is going down on me,

How do you know if Helen Keller just masturbated?

She spits when she talks.

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,

chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She ain't spoke to me in over 2 months.'
Earl spits, sips his beer and says, 'Better think it over -women like that are hard to find.

2 Texans are bragging about how big their ranches are

The first guy says "Well I'll put it to you this way, I can get in my truck before sunrise, drive all day long, and by sundown I still haven't hit the other side of my spread."

The other fella looks down, spits, and says "Yeah, I used to have a truck like that"

A man spits out his coffee

"This tastes like mud!" he said.
"Well of course. It was just ground this morning" replied the waiter.

Spits joke, A man spits out his coffee

A man walks into a bar ...

And proceeds to order a beer. The bartender says, "Sure, that'll be 25 cents please". The man almost spits out his beer in shock.

"Wow, 25 cents! I'll get some chicken wings too!"

The bartender replies, "That'll be 30 cents!"

"Where is the owner", asks the man, "I want to shake his hand!"

"Upstairs with my sister", replies the barkeep.

"Huh, why?", asks the confused costumer.

"He's doing to her, what I'm doing to his bar."


I swear that I have the most ungrateful girlfriend in the world. Every time I give her an orgasm.......she spits it out

Bob and Earl are fishing on a boat.

and Bob says "Yunno, I think I'm gonna divorce the wife, she hasn't spoken to me in 2 months."

Earl spits his dip overboard and takes a long swig of his beer with a casual exhale. "You should really think it over...Women like that are hard to find."

A man steps in a diner and orders some coffee...

The waitress brings it over and lies it on the table. The moment the man takes a sip, he spits it out, shouting, "This coffee tastes like boiled dirt!", and the waitress says, "I wouldn't be surprised, it was ground this morning."

You can explore spits chews reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean spits vomit dad jokes. There are also spits puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

What kind of boxer spits on their opponents face?

A beat boxer

The new girl at work slapped me today because I asked if she spits or swallows...

It seemed like a perfectly reasonable question, considering we work as wine tasters...

2 year old son spits on the floor.

Wife: We don't spit. If it's in your mouth you swallow it.
Husband raises eyebrows.
Wife: You shut up!

A man is sitting in a bar...

and picks up a cup, taking a sip. All of a sudden, he spits it out, grimacing. The bartender, startled, asked what was wrong.

It's not my cup of tea

A redneck and a midget get into an accident

The midget gets out of his car, hands on his hips and squeaks angrily, "I am not happy!"

The redneck spits and drawls "so which one are you?"

Spits joke, A redneck and a midget get into an accident

What do you do if your cat spits at you?

Turn down the grill.

An Arab and a Jew stand in front of a Hitler statue.

The Jew spits on the statue.
Arab: why did you do that?
Jew: because he killed half my people.

The Arab spits on the statue as well.
Jew: why did you do that?
Arab: because he didn't kill the other half.

How do you tell a redneck is married?

There are tobacco spits on either side of his pickup truck.

Redneck wisdom

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonnaΒ  divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over; women like that are hard to find."

A man orders a coffee in a cafe.

When it arrives, he drinks and promptly spits out his first sip.
'Waiter!' he calls,'this coffee tastes like it's a day old.'
'Thank you sir,' is the reply,'it's yesterdays coffee.'
The man gives the coffee back to the waiter and says: 'thank you for your honesty. I'd really like to drink today's coffee.'
Taking the coffee, the waiter says: 'we open at 10AM tomorrow, you're welcome to drop by then!'

I invented a machine that makes money out of thin air.

Even though I programmed it to produce coins, it only spits out notes...

It makes no cents.

Mr. No-One and Mr. Nobody are sitting in a tree.

Under them, Mr. Stupid is sitting on a bench.

Suddenly Mr. No-One spits on Mr. Stupid's head. Mr. Stupid is livid and storms off to the Cops to report him.

He bursts through the door and yells:

'No-One spat on my head and Nobody saw it!'

The officer looks at him dumbfounded and asks: 'Are you stupid?'

'Yep, that's me!'

What is it called when your toddler spits out everything you make for him?


What's smelly, spits and walks around the desert going 'Click'?

A camela.

A Soviet spits in front of an American soldier

The American replied with disgust, "you have no class."

What do you call a velociraptor that spits fire?

A velocirapper

I'm an expert gambler. I found this machine at the casino once where I won every time.

You just insert a dollar and it spits out 4 coins!

Spit in a nice restaurant.

If my date spits I make her pay for dinner and leave a good tip. I think it kind of rude to leave a mess in a nice restaurant.

Yer da gets a chest infection and spits in a bucket

Calls himself fleminem

What do you call the violent guy whose family was slaughtered, yet he still spits out word jokes constantly?

The punissuer.

Me : Well you know 'change is inedible'

Friend : Do you mean 'inevitable'?

Me : (spits out nickels) nope.

Ground coffee

A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee. The gentleman takes a sip and spits it out.

He turns to the waiter and says, Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!

The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the gentleman and says, But, sir, it's fresh ground!

A man asked for fresh ground coffee

After a while, the waiter brings the coffee

The man takes a sip and spits it out immediately.

Man: This is soil. Why did you put me soil?

Waiter: Well, you asked for fresh ground

I recently gave my neighbor a watch and he spits in my face,...

Well it could be worse, he would have punched me if he had any arms

Two friends are eating at a pub when a woman next to them begins to choke...

Two friends are eating at a pub when a woman next to them begins to choke. Quickly and without hesitation, one friend quickly lifts up the woman's dress, bends her over, and licks her right and left butt cheeks. Immediately, she spits out her food enabling her to breath again before slapping him.

As the man returned to his seat, his buddy exclaimed, Wow! I've heard of the hine lick maneuver, but I've actually never seen it done before.

An old man is eating some breakfast at a diner when three bikers walk in.

The first biker puts out his cigarette in the old man's pancakes.

The second biker spits out his tobacco in the old man's coffee.

The third biker takes the entire meal and shoves it off the table.

The old man, without saying so much as a word, gets up, pays the waitress, and exits the diner. The bikers laugh and sit at the old man's table. "Not much of a man, was he?" says one of the bikers.

"Not much of a driver either," says the waitress. "That man just drove his 16-wheeler over three bikes."

My Father's Favorite Joke

An old man and a bartender are having an argument. The old man keeps asking for aged scotch. The bartender gives him a drink and the old man spits it out and says its only 10 year scotch and he wanted older. The bartender gets another bottle and gives another drink. The old man spit that drink out and says its only 20 year scotch and that he wanted older. The bartender leaves for about five minutes and came back with another drink. The old man drinks it, spits it out, and asks what it was.

The bartender says: "How old am I?"

A wife is complaining about her husband spending all his time at the local tavern, so one night he takes her along with him.

"What'll ya have?" he asks.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replies.

So the husband orders a couple of Jack Daniels and gulps his down in one go.

His wife watches him, then takes a sip from her glass and immediately spits it out.

"Yuck! It tastes awful, worse than awful!" she splutters. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go!" cries the husband. "And you think I am out enjoying myself every night!"

Doc and Marty mcfly find a mysterious bottle of purple liquor.

Marty opens it and takes a whiff. "Smells kinda like wine, Doc"

Doc grabs the bottle, exclaiming "I don't think it's wine, Marty". Doc takes a sip and spits it into Marty's face. "Grape Scotch!?"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the spits spew jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working spits jizz piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes