Spit Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Spit puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Spit

What is the difference between a teacher and a train?

A teacher says "Spit out the gum!"
A train says "Chew! Chew!"

Ye, courtesy of my 8 year old daughter.

What's the difference between a teacher and a train?

One says, "Spit out your gum!"
The other goes, "Choo Choo Choo"

2 year old son spits on the floor.

Wife: We don't spit. If it's in your mouth you swallow it.
Husband raises eyebrows.
Wife: You shut up!

A German, Italian, And Irishman are sitting at a bar...

when 3 flies fly into the room and into the 3 drinks.

The German puts down the drink, and says "i cant drink this!'

the Italian takes out the fly, and says "that's good enough for me" and continues drinking.

The Irishman starts vigorously shaking the fly, and yells "SPIT IT ALL OUT!!"

An Englishman, and Scotsman and an Irishman were having a pint...

and a fly lands in each of their drinks. The Englishman, disgusted, pushes away his pint and leaves. The Scotsman flicks the fly out and continues to drink his pint. The Irishman picks up the fly, holds it over the glass and yells "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!"

Studies show there is actually intelligent DNA in women.

But unfortunately most of them spit it out.

A plane just landed...

Little Kid: "Were almost home now they just have to park the plane."

His Dad: "Better hope they dont forget to put the parking brake on so we dont go back up."

I heard this on my plane ride and the Dad's family looked like they wanted to spit on him for his magnificent Dad joke.

An Englishman, A Scotsman, and an Irishman are getting drinks, and they each get a fly in their beer.

The Englishman pushes his drink away, disgusted. The Scotsman takes out the fly and drinks his beer. The Irishman picks up the fly and yells to it, "Alright, spit it out!"

I just got slapped by a girl for asking her, "Do you spit or swallow?"

I thought this was a very reasonable question to ask her, considering we were at a wine tasting session.

In a chemistry class, the teacher asks a girl

- Mary, what is H2SO4?

- Oh god, this is so easy, why can't I remember, it's on the tip of my tongue.

Quickly, Johnny says:

- Then spit it out, that's sulfuric acid!

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?

They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...

...they each order a pint. The Englishman gets his beer, looks at it and sees a fly in it. He immediately pushes the drink aside and demands a fresh pint. The Scotsman gets his drink and there's a fly in his. He calmly picks the fly out, flicks it aside and enjoys his drink. Finally, the Irishman gets his drink and there's a fly in his. He pulls it out, holds it by the wings and screams, "Spit it out! Spit it out, you thief!"

Two campers are hiking in the woods . . .

One is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other one says. He runs ten miles to the nearest town and finds the town's only doctor, who is delivering a baby.




"I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison, then spit it out."




The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony.



"What did the doctor say?" the victim asks.




"He says you're going to die."

Why did the aligator spit out his lunch?

Because it was two years old

The wine taster

The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged and dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try. The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit. It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels." He said. "Impressive," said the manager.

The man is given another. "Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the Northeast slope, stored in a steel vats.

The manager was amazed. He winked at his secretary. The secretary understood and brought out a glass of urine. The drunkard tasted it and said. "It's a blond, 27 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get this job, I'll tell who the father is!"

An English Guy, A Scottish Guy, and An Irish Guy

An English guy, a Scottish Guy, and an Irish guy are in a bar. A fly comes over and lands in the English guy's beer, so he dumps it out. Another fly comes and lands in the Scottish guy's beer, so he takes it out and keeps drinking from it as if nothing happened. A third fly comes and lands in the Irish guy's beer. He takes the fly out, shakes it over his beer and yells "Spit it out, ya little blighter! Spit it out!"

A man goes to the restroom, and leaves his drink with a note "I spit into it", to avoid it getting stolen

He comes back and finds another note: "me too"

NSFW: Do you spit or swallow?

I was out on a date with this girl, when I asked her, Do you spit or swallow?
She slapped my face and stormed off… I'm never taking anyone to wine tasting again!!

Johnny's mother called his father at work...

"Johnny just swallowed a nickle and spit up two dimes, what do I do??"

"Keep feeding him nickles!"

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman each order a pint. Just then, a fly drops in each of their Guinness.

The Englishman says: "How dreadful. Barkeep, take this pint back at once, I couldn't possibly touch it, it has a fly in it!"

The Scotsman says: "Ach, it's nae so bad!" and flicks the fly out with the back of his hand and chugs his beer.

The Irishman gingerly picks up the fly by the wing, gives the fly a little wiggle and says: "You spit that out! You spit that out!"

At school

A teacher writes on the whiteboard: HNO3 and asks a student:

\- What substance is that?

\- Hmmm... wait a moment... It's on the tip of my tongue!

\- Spit it out at once!!! That's nitric acid!

So a guy wants to marry a virgin

He adopts a girl, and drops her off at a convent. 18 years later, he goes and picks her up and marries her. On their wedding night, he's getting ready and breaks out some K-Y. The girl says, "What's that for?" The man replies, "You know, so I don't hurt you."

The girl responds and asks, "Why don't you just spit on it like the monks do?"

During church the preacher asked the people in line what they needed prayer for.

One man request prayer for his hearing. The evangelist spit on his finger, put it in the man's ear, prayed for him and asked
him, "How's your hearing?" The man replied, "I don't know. It's not until next Tuesday."

Brake Fluid

A mechanic was working under a car when some brake fluid dripped into his mouth. At first he spit it out, but he found that the aftertaste was not tha bad. He continued working under the car when some more brake fluid found its way into his mouth. This time he swallowed. He really liked the taste of brake fluid! Soon enough, his coworkers found him drinking brake fluid from a cup in the shop. "I don't think that's safe" a concerned coworker pleaded. "You should not be drinking anymore brake fluid, dude" another said. "Don't worry" the mechanic assured them, "I can stop anytime!".

Why did Princess Leia spit and not swallow?

Because it was Chewy

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then he took a
seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the
counter.
The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the
counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said
to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver, either. He just backed his truck over three
motorcycles…

The year is 2017.

There are machines which can look through skin and see bones. There are machines which keep you alive when your brain and heart have stopped. There's even a machine that can tell you who your parents are with a single drop of spit. However, when I need my prostate checking, a man sticks his finger up my arsehole and wriggles it about a bit.

In the prison shower

A man is being send to prison, on the first day in the shower he is approached by a giant muscular inmate who asks him intimidatingly

"With or without spit?!"

The man thinks to himself that it will happen no matter what and that it might hurt less with spit so he frighteningly stammers

"With spit"

To which the giant shouts to another inmate.

"Hey come on over Spit, this dude wants a threesome!"



*Have mercy on my joke, I am not a native English speaker and this joke might work better in German.*

An American, an Irishman, and a Frenchman all go into a bar

They each order one beer from the barkeep, and shortly after he returns with their beers, a fly lands in each of their beers. The Frenchman cries out in disgust and demands a new beer. The American picks the fly out of his drink and starts to sip at his beer. The Irishman picks the fly out and starts to shout Spit it out!!"

An Englishman, American and Irishman walk into a bar.

All three of them order a beer. The Englishman sees a fly floating in his beer and calls the bartender over and demands a new beer. The American also sees a fly floating in his beer and just flicks it away and drinks the beer. The Irishman sees a fly in his beer also and picks it up and screams "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!"

A Brit, a German, and an Irish man walk into a bar and order a beer....

The Brit sees a fly in his beer. He asks the bartender for a new beer, and drinks it.

The German sees a fly in his beer. He plucks it out, throws it on the ground, and drinks it.

The Irish man sees a fly in his beer, he plucks it out, holds it over the beer, stares at the fly and leans in, screaming: SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!!

Why do stuttering girls give the best head?

They just can't spit it out.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a bar...

...and each take a seat and order a beer. When the Englishman gets his beer, he sees a fly floating in it, and politely asks for a different brew. The Scotsman, intrigued by this, looks into his beer and also notices a fly in it. He shrugs and picks it out. When the Irishman's beer arrives, also containing one fly, he's had enough. He picks up the fly, holds it very close to his mouth, and says...

"Spit it out, lad, spit it all out!"

So a Woman had a black eye...

A woman walked into her docters office with a black eye. The doctor said, is he beating you, she replied "Yes."

The next day the woman came back with ANOTHER black eye. This time the doctor said, "I know what to do to help you."
She replied, "Oh really, what?"
The doctor says, "Fill your mouth with Grape juice before you get home, and dont let the grape juice come out of your mouth at all. After he goes to bed, you can spit it out."

The next day, the woman comes back and says, "Oh my God, it worked, how did you know!"

The doctor says, "See, look what happens when you keep your mouth shut."

What did Dr. Frankenstein say when his monster spit?

"It's saliva! IT'S SALIIIVA!!!"

THE OLDEST "YOUR MOM" JOKE

***From Shakespeare's "Taming of the Shrew."***

CHIRON:
Thou hast undone our mother.
AARON:
Villain, I have done thy mother.

***an explosion soundeth! Chiron hast been cooked on a spit!***

A millionaire,a hard hat, and a cheapskate are at a bar.

When they get their beers, they notice a fly in each mug.
The millionaire politely asks the bartender for another beer, then sips the new one.
The hard hat spills out just enough to get rid of the fly then quaffs the rest.
It's now the cheapskate's turn: He sticks his hand in the beer, grabs the fly, and shouts, "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!"

A man named Adam is being sent to prison

On the first day in the shower he is approached by a giant muscular inmate who asks him intimidatingly

"With or without spit?!"

The man (Adam) thinks to himself that it will happen no matter what and that it might hurt less with spit so he frighteningly stammers

"With spit"

To which the giant shouts to another inmate.

"Hey come on over Spit, this dude wants a threesome!"

Why did the sperm cross the road?

'Cuz you wanted to see how far you could spit.

A man is sipping on his coffee at a cafe

He needs to visit bathroom. He doesn't want anyone to steal&drink his coffee during his absence so he leaves a sign on a cup that says: "I've spit in it".
He goes to the bathroom and comes back to find another sign on his coffee that says: "Me too"

At least she didn't say swallow.

What's the difference between a teacher and a train?
One says: "Spit your gum out." the other says:
"Chew Chew."

/Badum cshhhh

Scientists have discovered that there is intelligent DNA inside of a lot of Women.

Unfortunately, most of them spit it out.

Why did the trekkie spit out her latte at the Star Trek Convention?

Cause William Shatner Coffee.

hahahha

(Translated from Estonian) A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. After he had found a place to sit down, he suddenly feels an urge to pee.

But he just can't leave the beer on the table, somebody would drink it. He also can't take the beer to the toilet, that would just be weird.

So, he suddenly had an idea to leave a sign next to the beer. The sign said: "I spit in here".

When he got back from the toilet, he found another sign: "Me too".

Man is eating a soup in a restaurant.

He has to go to the toilet so he leaves a note : " I've spit in it".

After he comes back, there's another note : "Me too".

A trucker enters a roadside cafe in the middle of his long drive

The waitress brings him a soup. Meanwhile, three bikers enter the cafe. While passing the trucker, they each spit into his soup.

Silently, the trucker pays and leaves the cafe. One of the bikers then says to the waitress,

'What an idiot! Can't even stand for himself!'

The waitress agrees,

'You're right - he can't even drive! Only left the parking lot and already wrecked 3 motorcycles!'

How do you get rid of unwanted pubic hair?

*hawk cough spit*

I got spit on by a farm animal and thought it was the end of the world.

It was just the alpaca lips.

Boy: Do you spit or swallow?

Girl:WHAT?! Spit or swallow what?
Boy:You know... when you have it... in your mouth
Girl:You're so dirty!! Ofcourse I swallow.
Boy:And what about swallowing toothpaste makes you so clean?

First dirty joke I ever learned...from my mother

Little Red Riding Hood: Mr. Big Bad Wolf, are you going to eat me whole?

Mr. Big Bad: No, when I come to that part, I am going to spit it out.

How can you tell if a good ole boy from North Carolina is married?

There are tobacco spit stains on BOTH the doors of his truck.

Why were dragons called rappers during ancient times?

Because they used to spit fire.

What's the difference between a train and a teacher?

A train goes choo choo and a teacher says, Spit that gum out!





Hat tip to my nine year old niece, who has better jokes than I do.

An American, Englishman, and an Irishman all have mugs of beer in front of them.

It's discovered that all three mugs each have one housefly in them. The American takes the fly out and drinks his beer. The Englishman explains the situation to the bartender and asks for a new beer. The Irishman picks the fly up by its wings and goes, "Spit it out, ya sonofabitch!"

How do you know when you have a good redneck girlfriend?

If she can give you oral with a dip in and know which to swallow and which to spit.

If McDonald's starts using nothing but robots

who's going to spit in burger?

In spite of my anger, I decided not to bring my wetsuit to the beach.

It was a rash decision.

The United States Post Office has issued a recall of the official Donald Trump Presidential stamp

People were too confused about which side to spit on

Most people would say that Eminem, Jay-Z, or Andre 3000 spit the hardest on the mic...

I personally think it was Mia Khalifa.

Which sultry-voiced singer will happily spit in your face?

Llama Del Rey.

When is the only appropriate time to spit in an Italian woman's face?

When her mustache is on fire!

Knights and dragons must have been the first rappers.

After all, dragons spit fire, and knights slay.

Why do so many guys spit in urinals?

Just seems weird that there are that many dudes who salivate at the sight of a wiener.

You might be a redneck if your girlfriend can pack a lip and go down on you at the same time...

...and still know what to spit and what to swallow.

3 motorcycle bullies walk into a gas station.

3 men had arrived at a gas station using their motorcycles. Inside, was an elderly trucker, eating a pie by himself. The first man walked up to him and spit in his pie. The second man shoves his cigarette into his pie, and the third man knocks it onto the ground. Without a word, he leaves the gas station. The first man says, "He wasnt much of a man." A gas station employee then says," Not much of a driver either. He just ran over 3 motorcycles while backing out."

Why did she spit out the turkey soup?

She said it had a fowl taste.

Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?

He couldn't yet spit hot fire

In spite of the recent weather in the UK recently.

And also because the nearest shop was a mile away, I went to 84 year old Margaret's house next door to see if she needed anything from the shop.

She said she needed a few things so I gave her my list of things that I needed.

I mean there's no point in both of us going out in that nasty weather!

A long-awaited prize

So a rich dude wants to have sex with a virgin, so he puts a girl into a convent until she reaches age of consent.

The big day comes and he's putting some lube on his dingdong and the girls asks "what's that for?" He replies "so it doesn't hurt going in."

She replies "why don't you just spit on it like the monks do?"

I have a serious problem

I have two personalities. In one of them I feel and seem normal, everything is normal.

In my other personality though, I like to spit everywhere. Even on other people.

Spit personality disorder

Whats the last sound you hear before a pubic hair hits the ground?

Pfft pfft. (Spit sounds)

The bikini barrista I ordered from today spit in my coffee.

Only cost me a $1 extra.

Does Eminem always have to spit on my onion rings?

It always ends up tasting like spaghetti.

A man comes into jail the first time in life...

On the first day in the shower a huge hairy guy full of muscles comes out of the fog right to him :"You're my new wife now. Let's get it on."

The man looks all around but theres nobody who'll help him and he surrenders in fear of what might come.

"With or without spit?" asks the big hairy man. The first-timer answered "When I have to: with spit" The big man turns around and yells into the showers: "Yo Spit, he says you can come too."

A Frenchman, a German, and an Irishman walk into a bar

They order a round of whiskey.

However, when the drinks arrive, there are flies at the bottom of each of the glasses.

The Frenchman, clearly disgusted, asks for another drink.

The German is thirsty, and decides to drink it anyway.

The Irishman reaches into the glass, pulls out the fly, and screams

"Spit it out. SPIT IT OUT!"

I think the weirdest thing about being dyslexic

Is the look the barista gives you when you add to the spit jar. Like I'm not the one who put it there, Kenlynn, chill out.

On my way to work, someone asked me how's the weather up there?

So I spit on them and said it's raining.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes