spit Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious spit puns

What is the difference between a teacher and a train?

A teacher says "Spit out the gum!"
A train says "Chew! Chew!"

Ye, courtesy of my 8 year old daughter.


An American, an Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a bar. Each one orders a pint. Three flies land, one on each glass.

The American gags and pushes his drink away. The Englishman shrugs, flicks the fly away, and drinks the beer. The Irishman picks up the fly, shakes it up and down, and shouts, "Spit it out, fucker!"


What's the difference between a teacher and a train?

One says, "Spit out your gum!"
The other goes, "Choo Choo Choo"


2 year old son spits on the floor.

Wife: We don't spit. If it's in your mouth you swallow it.
Husband raises eyebrows.
Wife: You shut up!


Some women are never satisfied.

Last night i gave my girlfriend the biggest orgasm of her life. What did she do, spit it out.


A German, Italian, And Irishman are sitting at a bar...

when 3 flies fly into the room and into the 3 drinks.

The German puts down the drink, and says "i cant drink this!'

the Italian takes out the fly, and says "that's good enough for me" and continues drinking.

The Irishman starts vigorously shaking the fly, and yells "SPIT IT ALL OUT!!"


An Englishman, and Scotsman and an Irishman were having a pint...

and a fly lands in each of their drinks. The Englishman, disgusted, pushes away his pint and leaves. The Scotsman flicks the fly out and continues to drink his pint. The Irishman picks up the fly, holds it over the glass and yells "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!"


Dad cooks deer for dinner and doesn't tell the kids

He gives them a clue: "Its what your mother calls me."

The son yells "Spit it out! It's a fucking dick!"


An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are at a bar

A fly lands on the edge of the Englishman's pint. He says to the bartender, "This beer's gone bad, I'd like another."

The fly lands in the Scotsman's pint. He pulls it out and tosses it on the bar. "Tis just a fly, it didnae hurt anybody," he says and takes a big gulp.

The fly then lands in the Irishman's pint. He pulls the fly out squeezes the fly and shakes it, and says, "Spit it out, ya greedy bastard!"


A British, Irish and Scottish

Walk into a bar and all order a beer. Unfortunately. A fly lands in each beer. The British guy asks for another beer and gets one. The Irish guy picks the fly out and puts it to the side. The Scottish guy takes the fly by the leg and scream "SPIT IT OUT, YA DIRTY BASTARD!!!".


Studies show there is actually intelligent DNA in women.

But unfortunately most of them spit it out.


A plane just landed...

Little Kid: "Were almost home now they just have to park the plane."

His Dad: "Better hope they dont forget to put the parking brake on so we dont go back up."

I heard this on my plane ride and the Dad's family looked like they wanted to spit on him for his magnificent Dad joke.


An Englishman, A Scotsman, and an Irishman are getting drinks, and they each get a fly in their beer.

The Englishman pushes his drink away, disgusted. The Scotsman takes out the fly and drinks his beer. The Irishman picks up the fly and yells to it, "Alright, spit it out!"


I just got slapped by a girl for asking her, "Do you spit or swallow?"

I thought this was a very reasonable question to ask her, considering we were at a wine tasting session.


In a chemistry class, the teacher asks a girl

- Mary, what is H2SO4?

- Oh god, this is so easy, why can't I remember, it's on the tip of my tongue.

Quickly, Johnny says:

- Then spit it out, that's sulfuric acid!


Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?

They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.


An Englishman, Irishman, and a Scottsman...

walk into a bar and each order a pint. A fly drops into each of their glasses.

The Englishman pushes his away in disgust.

This Irishman picks the fly out and continues to drink.

The Scottsman picks the fly out of his beer, stares the bug down and shouts "Spit it out ya lil bastard!"


An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...

...they each order a pint. The Englishman gets his beer, looks at it and sees a fly in it. He immediately pushes the drink aside and demands a fresh pint. The Scotsman gets his drink and there's a fly in his. He calmly picks the fly out, flicks it aside and enjoys his drink. Finally, the Irishman gets his drink and there's a fly in his. He pulls it out, holds it by the wings and screams, "Spit it out! Spit it out, you thief!"


A teacher was trying to get her students to try new foods.

A teacher was trying to get her students to try new foods.

She blindfolded them and gave them things like apples, bananas, noodles, and the students would guess correctly.

Then, she gave them a little bit of honey. None of the children could determine what it was, so she gave them a hint.

"Your mommy may call your daddy this sometimes."

One of the girls spit it out and yelled, "Oh no, its an asshole!"


Little Billy is standing in the barn with his grandpa...

There are rabbits in the barn and their droppings are all over the floor. The boy says, "What are all these pellets on the ground, grandpa?" Grandpa says, "They're smart pills, Billy. Eat them and you'll get smarter." Little Billy liked the sound of that so he grabbed a handful off the ground and shoved them in his mouth. He immediately spit them out and said, "Ugh, those taste like crap, grandpa!"

Grandpa says, "See you're getting smarter already."


A German, Englishman and an Irishman walk into a bar.

They all order beer but before they can drink it an ant falls into each of their mugs. The German takes out the ant and says " Zis wont stop me" and drinks it all. The Englishman pushes it aside and says "barman give me another". The Irishman pulls the ant out, holds it in front of his face and screams "SPIT IT OUT YA BASTARD"


An Englishman, a Scot, and an Irishman walk into a bar

An Englishman, a Scot, and an Irishman walk into a bar, and they all order a pint. A fly lands in each man's glass. The Englishman pushes his pint away in disgust. The Scot flicks the fly out of his glass and begins drinking. The Irishman grabs the fly from his glass, throws it down to the bartop and screams "Spit it out ya wee bastard, it's mine!"


A lady and her little boy is eating in a restaurant. In an oversight, the kid swallows a coin and starts choking.

The mother tried hitting his back, slapping on the neck, shaking him hard without any success to make him spit the coin.

A man gets up from a nearby table, he lowers boy's pants, and squeezes his testicles. Voila! The boy spits out the coin.

The mother thanked the gentleman and asked ," Sir, are you a doctor?"

"No, ma'am, I work for IRS.

We are trained to squeeze the balls of everyone to make them cough up the last penny."


Two campers are hiking in the woods . . .

One is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other one says. He runs ten miles to the nearest town and finds the town's only doctor, who is delivering a baby.

"I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison, then spit it out."

The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony.

"What did the doctor say?" the victim asks.

"He says you're going to die."


A Frenchman, an American, and an Irishman are in a bar

A fly lands in the Frenchman's beer and he says "Gross! There is a fly in my beer, I will drink no more!" and he pushes it away.

A few moments go by and another fly lands in the American's beer. He fishes it out, flicks it away, says "It's just a fly, no big deal." and continues drinking it.

Several more minutes go by and yet another fly lands in the Irishman's beer. He suddenly jumps up, picks up the fly and angrily yells "SPIT IT OUT YE BASTARD!"


The wine taster

The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged and dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try. The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit. It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels." He said. "Impressive," said the manager.

The man is given another. "Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the Northeast slope, stored in a steel vats.

The manager was amazed. He winked at his secretary. The secretary understood and brought out a glass of urine. The drunkard tasted it and said. "It's a blond, 27 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get this job, I'll tell who the father is!"


Why did the aligator spit out his lunch?

Because it was two years old


An English Guy, A Scottish Guy, and An Irish Guy

An English guy, a Scottish Guy, and an Irish guy are in a bar. A fly comes over and lands in the English guy's beer, so he dumps it out. Another fly comes and lands in the Scottish guy's beer, so he takes it out and keeps drinking from it as if nothing happened. A third fly comes and lands in the Irish guy's beer. He takes the fly out, shakes it over his beer and yells "Spit it out, ya little blighter! Spit it out!"


An Englishman, an Aussie and an Irishman walk into a bar

They each order a beer, when they come all three have a fly floating in them. The Englishman immediately calls the waitress over and demands a new drink. The Aussie shrugs his shoulders and downs the beer, fly and all. The Irishman grabs the fly and yells at him you thieving shit, spit it out, spit it out!


A man goes to the restroom, and leaves his drink with a note "I spit into it", to avoid it getting stolen

He comes back and finds another note: "me too"


NSFW: Do you spit or swallow?

I was out on a date with this girl, when I asked her, Do you spit or swallow?
She slapped my face and stormed offโ€ฆ I'm never taking anyone to wine tasting again!!


Two Arabs and a Jew are on a train together ...

They all relax, take off their shoes, and start making small talk. After a while, the Jew says, "Who wants a drink?" The Arabs say they would like orange juice, so he gets up, and goes to buy juice. While he's gone, the Arabs spit in his shoes.

When they reach their destination, they put their shoes back on, and the Jew finally realizes what happened. He stands up and cries, "When will this end?!? The hatred, the spitting in shoes, the peeing in orange juice!"


Johnny's mother called his father at work...

"Johnny just swallowed a nickle and spit up two dimes, what do I do??"

"Keep feeding him nickles!"


An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman each order a pint. Just then, a fly drops in each of their Guinness.

The Englishman says: "How dreadful. Barkeep, take this pint back at once, I couldn't possibly touch it, it has a fly in it!"

The Scotsman says: "Ach, it's nae so bad!" and flicks the fly out with the back of his hand and chugs his beer.

The Irishman gingerly picks up the fly by the wing, gives the fly a little wiggle and says: "You spit that out! You spit that out!"


At school

A teacher writes on the whiteboard: HNO3 and asks a student:

\- What substance is that?

\- Hmmm... wait a moment... It's on the tip of my tongue!

\- Spit it out at once!!! That's nitric acid!


What are the best Spit jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Spit? Well, here are the best Spit dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Spit pick up lines to share with friends.

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