Spit Jokes
137 spit jokes and hilarious spit puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about spit that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for a good time? Check out this article full of funny and creative spit jokes that will have you talk and spit, spit or swallow, spit take, spit out, gargle, or swallow a mouthful of laughter. Enjoy yourself and have a good time with these jokes!
Quick Jump To
Funniest Spit Short Jokes
Short spit jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The spit humour may include short spat jokes also.
- What is the difference between a teacher and a train? A teacher says "Spit out the gum!"
A train says "Chew! Chew!"
Ye, courtesy of my 8 year old daughter. - Bartender: this scotch is my favorite, it's aged twenty fi---- Leonardo DiCaprio: [spits it out]
- A man spits out his coffee "This tastes like mud!" he said.
"Well of course. It was just ground this morning" replied the waiter. - What's the difference between a teacher and a train? One says, "Spit out your gum!"
The other goes, "Choo Choo Choo" - The new girl at work slapped me today because I asked if she spits or swallows... It seemed like a perfectly reasonable question, considering we work as wine tasters...
- Studies show there is actually intelligent DNA in women. But unfortunately most of them spit it out.
- What's the difference between a teacher and a train?? The teacher tells you to to spit out the gum, while the other says "chew-chew!"
- Yesterday I accidentally sent a n**... picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamp.
- US Postal Service was considering a new Trump postage stamp... But in the early focus-group testing, most people were spitting on the wrong side causing the stamp not to stick to the envelopes.
- A man goes to the restroom, and leaves his drink with a note "I spit into it", to avoid it getting stolen He comes back and finds another note: "me too"
Share These Spit Jokes With Friends
Spit One Liners
Which spit one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with spit? I can suggest the ones about spilt and slit.
- Why did the aligator spit out his lunch? Because it was two years old
- Why can't gay people rap? Because they can't spit straight bars.
- Why are dragons so good at rapping? Because they're always spitting fire.
- What do you call a spitting vampire? Spatula.
- Why do stuttering girls give the best head? They just can't spit it out.
- What did Dr. Frankenstein say when his monster spit? "It's saliva! IT'S SALIIIVA!!!"
- The only thing worse than her spitting on your grave... ...is her swallowing on it.
- Why were dragons called rappers during ancient times? Because they used to spit fire.
- If McDonald's starts using nothing but robots who's going to spit in burger?
- Why did she spit out the turkey soup? She said it had a fowl taste.
- Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle? He couldn't yet spit hot fire
- An Australian Chef was caught spitting on every dish he made. His career's saliva now.
- What is it called when your toddler spits out everything you make for him? Feedback
- The bikini barrista I ordered from today spit in my coffee. Only cost me a $1 extra.
- What kind of boxer spits on their opponents face? A beat boxer
Spit Out Jokes
Here is a list of funny spit out jokes and even better spit out puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Johnny's mother called his father at work... "Johnny just swallowed a nickle and spit up two dimes, what do I do??"
"Keep feeding him nickles!" - What's the difference between your mom and an alpaca? One's a hairy beast that spits and the other's native to South America.
- Me :well, you know, change is inedible Her : I think you mean inevitable
Me : *spitting out nickels* nope - Me : Well you know 'change is inedible' Friend : Do you mean 'inevitable'?
Me : (spits out nickels) nope. - Why will the U.S. Post Office never issue a Donald Trump stamp? Because 60 percent of Americans would spit on the front side, and 40 percent would lick the back side.
- what is the difference between school and train? The school says spit chewing gum but the train says "chew chew chew"
- What is the difference between a teacher and a train? A teacher says to spit our gum out, a train says choo choo choo.
- Scientists have discovered that there is intelligent DNA inside of a lot of Women. Unfortunately, most of them spit it out.
- Why did the trekkie spit out her latte at the Star Trek Convention? Cause William Shatner Coffee.
hahahha - Lawyer Joke Did you hear about the new stamps with famous lawyers?
Apparently they got recalled because people got confused which side to spit on.
Spit Take Jokes
Here is a list of funny spit take jokes and even better spit take puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A man is sitting in a bar... and picks up a cup, taking a sip. All of a sudden, he spits it out, grimacing. The bartender, startled, asked what was wrong.
It's not my cup of tea
Spit Or Swallow Jokes
Here is a list of funny spit or swallow jokes and even better spit or swallow puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the difference between spitting, swallowing and gargling? Love, true love, expert technique.
- Emily Blunt will star in a new crime movie where she hunts down hitmen who keep swallowing their targets and spitting out bigger versions of themselves. It's titled Agario.
- What's the difference between a feminist and a Roomba? A Roomba actually swallows instead of spitting out
- What ends a swallows life? A spit.
- 2 year old son spits on the floor. Wife: We don't spit. If it's in your mouth you s**... it.
Husband raises eyebrows.
Wife: You shut up! - I just got slapped by a girl for asking her, "Do you spit or s**...?" I thought this was a very reasonable question to ask her, considering we were at a wine tasting session.
- Why did Princess Leia spit and not s**...? Because it was Chewy
- What's the difference between like and love ? A Spit and a s**...
- At least she didn't say s**.... What's the difference between a teacher and a train?
One says: "Spit your gum out." the other says:
"Chew Chew."
/Badum cshhhh - I asked her, "Do you spit or s**...?" # She slapped me and stormed off!
### Anyway, I don't recommend wine tastings as a first date, it really seems to bother some girls for some reason.
Talk And Spit Jokes
Here is a list of funny talk and spit jokes and even better talk and spit puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How do you know if Helen Keller just m**...? She spits when she talks.
Humorous Spit Jokes to Bring Fun and Laughter to Your Life
What funny jokes about spit you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean spear jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make spit pranks.
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...
...they each order a pint. The Englishman gets his beer, looks at it and sees a fly in it. He immediately pushes the drink aside and demands a fresh pint. The Scotsman gets his drink and there's a fly in his. He calmly picks the fly out, flicks it aside and enjoys his drink. Finally, the Irishman gets his drink and there's a fly in his. He pulls it out, holds it by the wings and screams, "Spit it out! Spit it out, you thief!"
An Englishman, American and Irishman walk into a bar.
All three of them order a beer. The Englishman sees a fly floating in his beer and calls the bartender over and demands a new beer. The American also sees a fly floating in his beer and just flicks it away and drinks the beer. The Irishman sees a fly in his beer also and picks it up and screams "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!"
When is the only appropriate time to spit in an Italian woman's face?
When her mustache is on fire!
A millionaire,a hard hat, and a cheapskate are at a bar.
When they get their beers, they notice a fly in each mug.
The millionaire politely asks the bartender for another beer, then sips the new one.
The hard hat spills out just enough to get rid of the fly then quaffs the rest.
It's now the cheapskate's turn: He sticks his hand in the beer, grabs the fly, and shouts, "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!"
Guess who i am
I am a long object. You put me in your mouth and shake me. Then you either s**... or spit out white liquid . Yes, it is me your toothbrush
An Englishman, and Scotsman and an Irishman were having a pint...
and a fly lands in each of their drinks. The Englishman, disgusted, pushes away his pint and leaves. The Scotsman flicks the fly out and continues to drink his pint. The Irishman picks up the fly, holds it over the glass and yells "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!"
An American, Englishman, and an Irishman all have mugs of beer in front of them.
It's discovered that all three mugs each have one housefly in them. The American takes the fly out and drinks his beer. The Englishman explains the situation to the bartender and asks for a new beer. The Irishman picks the fly up by its wings and goes, "Spit it out, ya s**...!"
So a guy wants to marry a v**...
He adopts a girl, and drops her off at a convent. 18 years later, he goes and picks her up and marries her. On their wedding night, he's getting ready and breaks out some K-Y. The girl says, "What's that for?" The man replies, "You know, so I don't hurt you."
The girl responds and asks, "Why don't you just spit on it like the monks do?"
A man comes into jail the first time in life...
On the first day in the shower a huge hairy guy full of muscles comes out of the fog right to him :"You're my new wife now. Let's get it on."
The man looks all around but theres nobody who'll help him and he surrenders in fear of what might come.
"With or without spit?" asks the big hairy man. The first-timer answered "When I have to: with spit" The big man turns around and yells into the showers: "Yo Spit, he says you can come too."
Why did the Egyptian spit out his water?
Because it came from the Suez.
An English Guy, A Scottish Guy, and An Irish Guy
An English guy, a Scottish Guy, and an Irish guy are in a bar. A fly comes over and lands in the English guy's beer, so he dumps it out. Another fly comes and lands in the Scottish guy's beer, so he takes it out and keeps drinking from it as if nothing happened. A third fly comes and lands in the Irish guy's beer. He takes the fly out, shakes it over his beer and yells "Spit it out, ya little blighter! Spit it out!"
What do your mom and a camel have in common?
They both spit.
A plane just landed...
Little Kid: "Were almost home now they just have to park the plane."
His Dad: "Better hope they dont forget to put the parking brake on so we dont go back up."
I heard this on my plane ride and the Dad's family looked like they wanted to spit on him for his magnificent Dad joke.
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a bar...
...and each take a seat and order a beer. When the Englishman gets his beer, he sees a fly floating in it, and politely asks for a different brew. The Scotsman, intrigued by this, looks into his beer and also notices a fly in it. He shrugs and picks it out. When the Irishman's beer arrives, also containing one fly, he's had enough. He picks up the fly, holds it very close to his mouth, and says...
"Spit it out, lad, spit it all out!"
Knights and dragons must have been the first rappers.
After all, dragons spit fire, and knights slay.
How can you tell if a good ole boy from North Carolina is married?
There are tobacco spit stains on BOTH the doors of his truck.
What's the difference between a train and a teacher?
A train goes choo choo and a teacher says, Spit that gum out!
Hat tip to my nine year old niece, who has better jokes than I do.
Oldest YOUR MOM Joke
CHIRON: Thou hast undone our mother.
AARON: Villain, I have done thy mother.
an e**... soundeth! Chiron hast been cooked on a spit!
From Shakespeare's "Taming of the Shrew.
Why do so many guys spit in urinals?
Just seems weird that there are that many dudes who salivate at the sight of a wiener.
An American, an Irishman, and a Frenchman all go into a bar
They each order one beer from the barkeep, and shortly after he returns with their beers, a fly lands in each of their beers. The Frenchman cries out in disgust and demands a new beer. The American picks the fly out of his drink and starts to sip at his beer. The Irishman picks the fly out and starts to shout Spit it out!!"
How do you know when you have a good r**... girlfriend?
If she can give you o**... with a dip in and know which to s**... and which to spit.
A Frenchman, a German, and an Irishman walk into a bar
They order a round of whiskey.
However, when the drinks arrive, there are flies at the bottom of each of the glasses.
The Frenchman, clearly disgusted, asks for another drink.
The German is thirsty, and decides to drink it anyway.
The Irishman reaches into the glass, pulls out the fly, and screams
"Spit it out. SPIT IT OUT!"
At school
A teacher writes on the whiteboard: HNO3 and asks a student:
\- What substance is that?
\- Hmmm... wait a moment... It's on the tip of my tongue!
\- Spit it out at once!!! That's nitric acid!
Most people would say that Eminem, Jay-Z, or Andre 3000 spit the hardest on the mic...
I personally think it was mia Khalifa.
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman each order a pint. Just then, a fly drops in each of their Guinness.
The Englishman says: "How dreadful. Barkeep, take this pint back at once, I couldn't possibly touch it, it has a fly in it!"
The Scotsman says: "Ach, it's nae so bad!" and flicks the fly out with the back of his hand and c**... his beer.
The Irishman gingerly picks up the fly by the wing, gives the fly a little wiggle and says: "You spit that out! You spit that out!"
During church the preacher asked the people in line what they needed prayer for.
One man request prayer for his hearing. The evangelist spit on his finger, put it in the man's ear, prayed for him and asked
him, "How's your hearing?" The man replied, "I don't know. It's not until next Tuesday."
A long-awaited prize
So a rich dude wants to have s**... with a v**..., so he puts a girl into a convent until she reaches age of consent.
The big day comes and he's putting some l**... on his dingdong and the girls asks "what's that for?" He replies "so it doesn't hurt going in."
She replies "why don't you just spit on it like the monks do?"
Top 5 internet connections of all time:
5) Dialup
4) Dialup
3) Dialup
2) Dialup
1) Dialup
Cause it spit hot Firefox.
The year is 2017.
There are machines which can look through skin and see bones. There are machines which keep you alive when your brain and heart have stopped. There's even a machine that can tell you who your parents are with a single drop of spit. However, when I need my prostate checking, a man sticks his finger up my a**... and wriggles it about a bit.
An Englishman, A Scotsman, and an Irishman are getting drinks, and they each get a fly in their beer.
The Englishman pushes his drink away, disgusted. The Scotsman takes out the fly and drinks his beer. The Irishman picks up the fly and yells to it, "Alright, spit it out!"
Whats the last sound you hear before a p**... hair hits the ground?
Pfft pfft. (Spit sounds)
Does Eminem always have to spit on my onion rings?
It always ends up tasting like spaghetti.
Why do priests love well mannered children?
Because they don't spit.
In a chemistry class, the teacher asks a girl
- Mary, what is H2SO4?
- Oh god, this is so easy, why can't I remember, it's on the tip of my tongue.
Quickly, Johnny says:
- Then spit it out, that's sulfuric acid!
Boy: Do you spit or s**...?
Girl:WHAT?! Spit or s**... what?
Boy:You know... when you have it... in your mouth
Girl:You're so dirty!! Ofcourse I s**....
Boy:And what about swallowing toothpaste makes you so clean?
In spite of the recent weather in the UK recently.
And also because the nearest shop was a mile away, I went to 84 year old Margaret's house next door to see if she needed anything from the shop.
She said she needed a few things so I gave her my list of things that I needed.
I mean there's no point in both of us going out in that n**... weather!
A Brit, a German, and an Irish man walk into a bar and order a beer....
The Brit sees a fly in his beer. He asks the bartender for a new beer, and drinks it.
The German sees a fly in his beer. He plucks it out, throws it on the ground, and drinks it.
The Irish man sees a fly in his beer, he plucks it out, holds it over the beer, stares at the fly and leans in, screaming: SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!!
In spite of my anger, I decided not to bring my wetsuit to the beach.
It was a rash decision.
A German, Italian, And Irishman are sitting at a bar...
when 3 flies fly into the room and into the 3 drinks.
The German puts down the drink, and says "i cant drink this!'
the Italian takes out the fly, and says "that's good enough for me" and continues drinking.
The Irishman starts vigorously shaking the fly, and yells "SPIT IT ALL OUT!!"
Why did the s**... cross the road?
'Cuz you wanted to see how far you could spit.
On my way to work, someone asked me how's the weather up there?
So I spit on them and said it's raining.
You might be a r**... if your girlfriend can pack a lip and go down on you at the same time...
...and still know what to spit and what to s**....
Man is eating a soup in a restaurant.
He has to go to the toilet so he leaves a note : " I've spit in it".
After he comes back, there's another note : "Me too".
A man is sipping on his coffee at a cafe
He needs to visit bathroom. He doesn't want anyone to steal&drink his coffee during his absence so he leaves a sign on a cup that says: "I've spit in it".
He goes to the bathroom and comes back to find another sign on his coffee that says: "Me too"
How do you get rid of unwanted p**... hair?
*hawk cough spit*
The United States Post Office has issued a recall of the official Donald Trump Presidential stamp
People were too confused about which side to spit on
Which s**...-voiced singer will happily spit in your face?
Llama Del Rey.
A man named Adam is being sent to prison
On the first day in the shower he is approached by a giant muscular inmate who asks him intimidatingly
"With or without spit?!"
The man (Adam) thinks to himself that it will happen no matter what and that it might hurt less with spit so he frighteningly stammers
"With spit"
To which the giant shouts to another inmate.
"Hey come on over Spit, this dude wants a t**...!"
I think the weirdest thing about being dyslexic
Is the look the barista gives you when you add to the spit jar. Like I'm not the one who put it there, Kenlynn, chill out.
A biker gang comes into a transport cafe
and start picking on a little middle-aged man just sitting down to an all-day breakfast. They steal most of it, spit in his tea, and pull away his chair from under him, until eventually he gives up and walks out silently.
They laugh loudly and say to the waitress "He wasn't much of a man, was he?"
"No," she says, "and he's not much of a truck driver either -- he's just backed an eighteen-wheeler over a whole line of motorbikes."
The chemistry teacher approaches Johnny.
During an o**... evaluation, the chemistry teacher approaches Johnny and asks him: what's the chemical formula of sulfuric acid? johnny, taking some time to answer says: oh god mister, I have it on the tip of my tongue! the teacher, worried, immediately shouts: johnny spit it out!!!! sulfuric acid is very corrosive!!
I got spit on by a farm animal and thought it was the end of the world.
It was just the alpaca lips.
What do you call a group of western bars themed around urns into which you spit that are decorated with picture of Inklings?
A Splatoon spittoon saloon platoon
(Translated from Estonian) A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. After he had found a place to sit down, he suddenly feels an urge to pee.
But he just can't leave the beer on the table, somebody would drink it. He also can't take the beer to the toilet, that would just be weird.
So, he suddenly had an idea to leave a sign next to the beer. The sign said: "I spit in here".
When he got back from the toilet, he found another sign: "Me too".
I have a serious problem
I have two personalities. In one of them I feel and seem normal, everything is normal.
In my other personality though, I like to spit everywhere. Even on other people.
Spit personality disorder
First dirty joke I ever learned...from my mother
little red riding hood: Mr. Big Bad Wolf, are you going to eat me whole?
Mr. Big Bad: No, when I come to that part, I am going to spit it out.
A trucker enters a roadside cafe in the middle of his long drive
The waitress brings him a soup. Meanwhile, three bikers enter the cafe. While passing the trucker, they each spit into his soup.
Silently, the trucker pays and leaves the cafe. One of the bikers then says to the waitress,
'What an idiot! Can't even stand for himself!'
The waitress agrees,
'You're right - he can't even drive! Only left the parking lot and already wrecked 3 motorcycles!'
A British man was talking to his friend about his views on Brexit...
"These b**... immigrants come over here. They're up to no good, right? I hate these b**... immigrants. They need to go back to where they came from."
His friend replies with "But why do you hate them so much?"
The British man replies, "I'll tell you why I hate them, I'll tell you why. It's because they're not even trying to be British. That's why. They don't even TRY to be British. They come here, and bring their own b**... culture. They bring their own food, spit their own b**... languages, try to take over the whole b**... place."
His friend replies with "Well, that sounds British to me"
In spite of all our differences here on Reddit, I'm glad about one thing.
Everyone reading this.... is on the same page.
