The Best 77 Spit Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Spit jokes. There are some spit mouthful jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these spit tounge puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Spit Jokes and Puns

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...

...they each order a pint. The Englishman gets his beer, looks at it and sees a fly in it. He immediately pushes the drink aside and demands a fresh pint. The Scotsman gets his drink and there's a fly in his. He calmly picks the fly out, flicks it aside and enjoys his drink. Finally, the Irishman gets his drink and there's a fly in his. He pulls it out, holds it by the wings and screams, "Spit it out! Spit it out, you thief!"

At least she didn't say swallow.

What's the difference between a teacher and a train?
One says: "Spit your gum out." the other says:
"Chew Chew."

/Badum cshhhh

An Englishman, American and Irishman walk into a bar.

All three of them order a beer. The Englishman sees a fly floating in his beer and calls the bartender over and demands a new beer. The American also sees a fly floating in his beer and just flicks it away and drinks the beer. The Irishman sees a fly in his beer also and picks it up and screams "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!"

Spit joke, An Englishman, American and Irishman walk into a bar.

I just got slapped by a girl for asking her, "Do you spit or swallow?"

I thought this was a very reasonable question to ask her, considering we were at a wine tasting session.

When is the only appropriate time to spit in an Italian woman's face?

When her mustache is on fire!


A millionaire,a hard hat, and a cheapskate are at a bar.

When they get their beers, they notice a fly in each mug.
The millionaire politely asks the bartender for another beer, then sips the new one.
The hard hat spills out just enough to get rid of the fly then quaffs the rest.
It's now the cheapskate's turn: He sticks his hand in the beer, grabs the fly, and shouts, "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!"

An Englishman, and Scotsman and an Irishman were having a pint...

and a fly lands in each of their drinks. The Englishman, disgusted, pushes away his pint and leaves. The Scotsman flicks the fly out and continues to drink his pint. The Irishman picks up the fly, holds it over the glass and yells "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!"

Spit joke, An Englishman, and Scotsman and an Irishman were having a pint...

An American, Englishman, and an Irishman all have mugs of beer in front of them.

It's discovered that all three mugs each have one housefly in them. The American takes the fly out and drinks his beer. The Englishman explains the situation to the bartender and asks for a new beer. The Irishman picks the fly up by its wings and goes, "Spit it out, ya sonofabitch!"

So a guy wants to marry a virgin

He adopts a girl, and drops her off at a convent. 18 years later, he goes and picks her up and marries her. On their wedding night, he's getting ready and breaks out some K-Y. The girl says, "What's that for?" The man replies, "You know, so I don't hurt you."

The girl responds and asks, "Why don't you just spit on it like the monks do?"

A man comes into jail the first time in life...

On the first day in the shower a huge hairy guy full of muscles comes out of the fog right to him :"You're my new wife now. Let's get it on."

The man looks all around but theres nobody who'll help him and he surrenders in fear of what might come.

"With or without spit?" asks the big hairy man. The first-timer answered "When I have to: with spit" The big man turns around and yells into the showers: "Yo Spit, he says you can come too."

An English Guy, A Scottish Guy, and An Irish Guy

An English guy, a Scottish Guy, and an Irish guy are in a bar. A fly comes over and lands in the English guy's beer, so he dumps it out. Another fly comes and lands in the Scottish guy's beer, so he takes it out and keeps drinking from it as if nothing happened. A third fly comes and lands in the Irish guy's beer. He takes the fly out, shakes it over his beer and yells "Spit it out, ya little blighter! Spit it out!"

You can explore spit swallow reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean spit spew dad jokes. There are also spit puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Why did the trekkie spit out her latte at the Star Trek Convention?

Cause William Shatner Coffee.

hahahha

A man goes to the restroom, and leaves his drink with a note "I spit into it", to avoid it getting stolen

He comes back and finds another note: "me too"

A plane just landed...

Little Kid: "Were almost home now they just have to park the plane."

His Dad: "Better hope they dont forget to put the parking brake on so we dont go back up."

I heard this on my plane ride and the Dad's family looked like they wanted to spit on him for his magnificent Dad joke.

Why did Princess Leia spit and not swallow?

Because it was Chewy

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a bar...

...and each take a seat and order a beer. When the Englishman gets his beer, he sees a fly floating in it, and politely asks for a different brew. The Scotsman, intrigued by this, looks into his beer and also notices a fly in it. He shrugs and picks it out. When the Irishman's beer arrives, also containing one fly, he's had enough. He picks up the fly, holds it very close to his mouth, and says...

"Spit it out, lad, spit it all out!"

Spit joke, An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a bar...

Knights and dragons must have been the first rappers.

After all, dragons spit fire, and knights slay.

How can you tell if a good ole boy from North Carolina is married?

There are tobacco spit stains on BOTH the doors of his truck.

What's the difference between a train and a teacher?

A train goes choo choo and a teacher says, Spit that gum out!

Hat tip to my nine year old niece, who has better jokes than I do.


Oldest YOUR MOM Joke

CHIRON: Thou hast undone our mother.
AARON: Villain, I have done thy mother.

an explosion soundeth! Chiron hast been cooked on a spit!
From Shakespeare's "Taming of the Shrew.

Studies show there is actually intelligent DNA in women.

But unfortunately most of them spit it out.

Why did the aligator spit out his lunch?

Because it was two years old

Why do so many guys spit in urinals?

Just seems weird that there are that many dudes who salivate at the sight of a wiener.

What's the difference between a teacher and a train?

One says, "Spit out your gum!"
The other goes, "Choo Choo Choo"

What did Dr. Frankenstein say when his monster spit?

"It's saliva! IT'S SALIIIVA!!!"

An American, an Irishman, and a Frenchman all go into a bar

They each order one beer from the barkeep, and shortly after he returns with their beers, a fly lands in each of their beers. The Frenchman cries out in disgust and demands a new beer. The American picks the fly out of his drink and starts to sip at his beer. The Irishman picks the fly out and starts to shout Spit it out!!"

Johnny's mother called his father at work...

"Johnny just swallowed a nickle and spit up two dimes, what do I do??"

"Keep feeding him nickles!"

How do you know when you have a good redneck girlfriend?

If she can give you oral with a dip in and know which to swallow and which to spit.

NSFW: Do you spit or swallow?

I was out on a date with this girl, when I asked her, Do you spit or swallow?
She slapped my face and stormed off… I'm never taking anyone to wine tasting again!!

At school

A teacher writes on the whiteboard: HNO3 and asks a student:

\- What substance is that?

\- Hmmm... wait a moment... It's on the tip of my tongue!

\- Spit it out at once!!! That's nitric acid!

2 year old son spits on the floor.

Wife: We don't spit. If it's in your mouth you swallow it.
Husband raises eyebrows.
Wife: You shut up!

Most people would say that Eminem, Jay-Z, or Andre 3000 spit the hardest on the mic...

I personally think it was Mia Khalifa.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman each order a pint. Just then, a fly drops in each of their Guinness.

The Englishman says: "How dreadful. Barkeep, take this pint back at once, I couldn't possibly touch it, it has a fly in it!"

The Scotsman says: "Ach, it's nae so bad!" and flicks the fly out with the back of his hand and chugs his beer.

The Irishman gingerly picks up the fly by the wing, gives the fly a little wiggle and says: "You spit that out! You spit that out!"

During church the preacher asked the people in line what they needed prayer for.

One man request prayer for his hearing. The evangelist spit on his finger, put it in the man's ear, prayed for him and asked
him, "How's your hearing?" The man replied, "I don't know. It's not until next Tuesday."

If McDonald's starts using nothing but robots

who's going to spit in burger?

What is the difference between a teacher and a train?

A teacher says "Spit out the gum!"
A train says "Chew! Chew!"

Ye, courtesy of my 8 year old daughter.

The year is 2017.

There are machines which can look through skin and see bones. There are machines which keep you alive when your brain and heart have stopped. There's even a machine that can tell you who your parents are with a single drop of spit. However, when I need my prostate checking, a man sticks his finger up my arsehole and wriggles it about a bit.

An Englishman, A Scotsman, and an Irishman are getting drinks, and they each get a fly in their beer.

The Englishman pushes his drink away, disgusted. The Scotsman takes out the fly and drinks his beer. The Irishman picks up the fly and yells to it, "Alright, spit it out!"

In a chemistry class, the teacher asks a girl

- Mary, what is H2SO4?

- Oh god, this is so easy, why can't I remember, it's on the tip of my tongue.

Quickly, Johnny says:

- Then spit it out, that's sulfuric acid!

Boy: Do you spit or swallow?

Girl:WHAT?! Spit or swallow what?
Boy:You know... when you have it... in your mouth
Girl:You're so dirty!! Ofcourse I swallow.
Boy:And what about swallowing toothpaste makes you so clean?

In spite of the recent weather in the UK recently.

And also because the nearest shop was a mile away, I went to 84 year old Margaret's house next door to see if she needed anything from the shop.

She said she needed a few things so I gave her my list of things that I needed.

I mean there's no point in both of us going out in that nasty weather!

A Brit, a German, and an Irish man walk into a bar and order a beer....

The Brit sees a fly in his beer. He asks the bartender for a new beer, and drinks it.

The German sees a fly in his beer. He plucks it out, throws it on the ground, and drinks it.

The Irish man sees a fly in his beer, he plucks it out, holds it over the beer, stares at the fly and leans in, screaming: SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!!

In spite of my anger, I decided not to bring my wetsuit to the beach.

It was a rash decision.

A German, Italian, And Irishman are sitting at a bar...

when 3 flies fly into the room and into the 3 drinks.

The German puts down the drink, and says "i cant drink this!'

the Italian takes out the fly, and says "that's good enough for me" and continues drinking.

The Irishman starts vigorously shaking the fly, and yells "SPIT IT ALL OUT!!"

Why did the sperm cross the road?

'Cuz you wanted to see how far you could spit.

Man is eating a soup in a restaurant.

He has to go to the toilet so he leaves a note : " I've spit in it".

After he comes back, there's another note : "Me too".

A man is sipping on his coffee at a cafe

He needs to visit bathroom. He doesn't want anyone to steal&drink his coffee during his absence so he leaves a sign on a cup that says: "I've spit in it".
He goes to the bathroom and comes back to find another sign on his coffee that says: "Me too"

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?

They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Why do stuttering girls give the best head?

They just can't spit it out.

How do you get rid of unwanted pubic hair?

*hawk cough spit*

The United States Post Office has issued a recall of the official Donald Trump Presidential stamp

People were too confused about which side to spit on

Which sultry-voiced singer will happily spit in your face?

Llama Del Rey.

A man named Adam is being sent to prison

On the first day in the shower he is approached by a giant muscular inmate who asks him intimidatingly

"With or without spit?!"

The man (Adam) thinks to himself that it will happen no matter what and that it might hurt less with spit so he frighteningly stammers

"With spit"

To which the giant shouts to another inmate.

"Hey come on over Spit, this dude wants a threesome!"

I got spit on by a farm animal and thought it was the end of the world.

It was just the alpaca lips.

Scientists have discovered that there is intelligent DNA inside of a lot of Women.

Unfortunately, most of them spit it out.

Why were dragons called rappers during ancient times?

Because they used to spit fire.

(Translated from Estonian) A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. After he had found a place to sit down, he suddenly feels an urge to pee.

But he just can't leave the beer on the table, somebody would drink it. He also can't take the beer to the toilet, that would just be weird.

So, he suddenly had an idea to leave a sign next to the beer. The sign said: "I spit in here".

When he got back from the toilet, he found another sign: "Me too".

First dirty joke I ever learned...from my mother

Little Red Riding Hood: Mr. Big Bad Wolf, are you going to eat me whole?

Mr. Big Bad: No, when I come to that part, I am going to spit it out.

A trucker enters a roadside cafe in the middle of his long drive

The waitress brings him a soup. Meanwhile, three bikers enter the cafe. While passing the trucker, they each spit into his soup.

Silently, the trucker pays and leaves the cafe. One of the bikers then says to the waitress,

'What an idiot! Can't even stand for himself!'

The waitress agrees,

'You're right - he can't even drive! Only left the parking lot and already wrecked 3 motorcycles!'

Why can't gay people rap?

Because they can't spit straight bars.

A British man was talking to his friend about his views on Brexit...

"These bloody immigrants come over here. They're up to no good, right? I hate these bloody immigrants. They need to go back to where they came from."


His friend replies with "But why do you hate them so much?"


The British man replies, "I'll tell you why I hate them, I'll tell you why. It's because they're not even trying to be British. That's why. They don't even TRY to be British. They come here, and bring their own bloody culture. They bring their own food, spit their own bloody languages, try to take over the whole bloody place."

His friend replies with "Well, that sounds British to me"

What's the difference between like and love ?

A Spit and a Swallow

I asked her, "Do you spit or swallow?"

# She slapped me and stormed off!

### Anyway, I don't recommend wine tastings as a first date, it really seems to bother some girls for some reason.

In spite of all our differences here on Reddit, I'm glad about one thing.

Everyone reading this.... is on the same page.

what is the difference between school and train?

The school says spit chewing gum but the train says "chew chew chew"

Why will the U.S. Post Office never issue a Donald Trump stamp?

Because 60 percent of Americans would spit on the front side, and 40 percent would lick the back side.

My son is doing a social experiment for school.

He plans on wearing an "I love Liberals" shirt out in public and will be recording the interactions with others. So far he has been cussed at, spit at, slapped, and even threatened. Im afraid what will happen when he actually leaves the house.

My Father's Favorite Joke

An old man and a bartender are having an argument. The old man keeps asking for aged scotch. The bartender gives him a drink and the old man spits it out and says its only 10 year scotch and he wanted older. The bartender gets another bottle and gives another drink. The old man spit that drink out and says its only 20 year scotch and that he wanted older. The bartender leaves for about five minutes and came back with another drink. The old man drinks it, spits it out, and asks what it was.

The bartender says: "How old am I?"

Scientists have recently discovered that 3 out of 5 habitual marijuana users developed over productive saliva glands.

When asked if anything can be done, one leading scientist advised, "Yes, you can either spit, or get off the pot".

As a kid growing up I'd always get bullied, every morning they'd spit in my food and call me names.

Man, I hated being home schooled.

My sister is taking part in a social experiment. She has to wear a Boris is doing his best t-shirt for 2 weeks and see how people react. So far she's been spit on, punched and had a bottle thrown at her!

I'm curious to see what happens when she goes outside.

Lawyer Joke

Did you hear about the new stamps with famous lawyers?

Apparently they got recalled because people got confused which side to spit on.

2 men go fishing, One has a stutter

The man with a stutter says shh ssshhh sshh . The other man says what is it, did you catch a fish ? The stuttering man continues to make ssshhh noises, the other man says spit it out . The stuttering man says ssshhh ship!! Before the 2nd man can react a ship crashes into their boat.

Months later they both have recovered and go on another fishing trip. The stuttering man again starts saying ssshhh . The 2nd man starts panicking thinking he's going to get hurt again. The 2nd man jumps out of the boat as fast as he can, the stuttering man says sshhh sshhh Shark!!

My son is taking part in a social experiment where he has to wear a t-shirt saying "GO VEGAN" for 2 weeks and see how people react.

So far, he has been punched, spit on and a bottle thrown at him!

I'm curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

An English man, an Irish man, and a Scots man walks into a bar

… and order a pint each.
A fly lands in the English mans beer and he pushes it away in disgust.

Another fly lands in the Irish mans beer but he drinks the beer with the fly in it.

A third fly lands the the Scots beer. He lifts up the fly in its tiny wings, shakes it, and yells: spit it out! Spit it out your little bastad .

My one Irish joke

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and an Irishman are sitting at a bar drinking. A fly comes and lands in the Frenchman's glass. He says I can't drink this and pushes the glass away. A fly comes and lands in the Englishman's drink. He picks out the fly and keeps drinking. A fly lands in the Irishman's drink. He picks the fly out and shakes it yelling spit it out!

From my 5 year old to her mother the other morning: My wife told my little girl that owls are nocturnal.

With a (well duh) face my daughter looked at my wife and said, " I know that mommy! Owls are not turtles! They're birds!"

My little girl got me to spit coffee with her snap back to my wife!

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the spit phlegm jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working spit saliva piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes