Spies Jokes
63 spies jokes and hilarious spies puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about spies that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Spies Short Jokes
Short spies jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The spies humour may include short spying jokes also.
- Cardi B's sister used to spy for the Russian government, but refuses to talk about it publicly They call her 'Cagey B'
- If you think your microwave spying on you is bad... Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
- President Biden ordered an F16 missile attack to destroy the Chinese spy balloon Americans are thrilled. It's the first thing he's done to combat inflation.
- Don't be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you. Your vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
- A conman, a mentally handicapped person, and a Russian spy walk into a bar And the bartender asks, "What will it be, Mr. President?"
- I always assumed that China has extremely sophisticated spying technology that they use on their rivals. Well, that balloon has burst.
- Why does the government use microwaves to spy on you? Because it's the one place you can't put tin foil.
- The FBI are raiding an alleged spy's apartment, when they discover a hard drive labelled KGB . One of the agents holds it up with a look of confusion and says, why wouldn't he just write 1 TB?
- A Serial Killer, Car Thief and Russian Spy walks into a bar And that was just the first guy
- My neighbor thinks I spy on her.. I would tell her otherwise, but she's in the shower right now
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Spies One Liners
Which spies one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with spies? I can suggest the ones about spied and espionage.
- The three most well-known spy agencies are the CIA, KGB, and MI5. The rest are good.
- Where does a spy sleep? Under covers.
- Why do spies never use capitalization? They like to stay low-key.
- Who is both a knight and a spy? Sir Veillance
- What do you call two gay women spying on each other? lesbianage
- What do you call a cow spying on another cow? A steak out
- What is Donald Trump's Spy Name? Agent Orange!
- Why did the spy cross the road? He was never on your side
- What's Canada's spy agency? The CI, eh?
- What do you call a Medieval spy? Sir Veillance
- What does the US Government use to spy on a high school student? An essay.
- Why do accordion players make terrible spies? They always fold under pressure.
- How do guilt-ridden spies communicate with each other? Remorse code
- Did you hear about the bee that became a russian spy? He always was a cagey bee
- What do you call a Swedish spy film? The Bjorn Identity.
Hilarious Spies Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends
What funny jokes about spies you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean secret agent jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make spies pranks.
Why don't spies meet at bars.
The beer is tapped. (Please develop this joke. I made it up last night whilst drinking, but nobody laughed.)
An Olympic swimmer...
...is on a cruise ship, when it hits a reef and sinks. Bobbing in the waves, he spies an island in the distance, makes for it, and barely gets ashore. All he finds on the isle are fruit trees, a female sheep and a big dog. The fruit trees provide sustenance, but he starts to feel lonely. The sheep has luxurious fur, beautiful eyes and long lashes that she shyly bats at him. When he approaches her, the dog viciously attacks and repels him. This goes on for months, until he can hardly bear it.
One day he sees another ship sinking at sea. Swimming out, he sees a woman thrashing in the waves. He saves her as she's about to perish, and hauls her ashore. As luck would have it, she's absolutely gorgeous.
"I'm so grateful to you for saving my life...I'll do anything you ask, as a way to repay you."
The swimmer can't believe his luck. "Anything?"
The young woman smiles coyly. "Anything your heart desires."
"Can you take that big dog over there for a walk?"
Obama's reaction to NSA scandal
"This technology means spies will never have to use windows ever again."
German spies
During the war, two German spies were sent to London to gather valuable intel. To immerse themselves in the local culture they walk into a local pub and walk up to the bar. The first German says to the barman in an impeccable English accent
"May I have two Martinis please?"
"Dry?" asked the barman.
The German replied, holding up two fingers.
"Nein! Zwei!"
3 spies, a french one, a british one, and an italian one, are captured by al-qaeda...
the terrorists tie each of them up and put the brit and the italian in a locked room. they take the frenchman to a room for 6 hours, torturing information out of him. when they finish with him, they take the brit to the room, who lasts 12 hours. they finally take the italian into the room, but as much as they t**... him, they cant get any information out of him.
the brit and the frenchman ask him how it goes and he says "i couldnt say anything." they ask him why and he says "my hands were tied!"
Want a screwdriver?
Rich woman and her driver are out in the country. They get a flat tire, and of course the driver can't get the hubcap off. The woman searches the tool bag, and spies a tool that will help. "You want a screwdriver?" she asks.
"Might as well, I can't get this d**... hubcap off."
What type of cologne does Sean Connery wear?
Old Spies
The Italian spy
A german, French, and Italian spy get captured. The French spy is tied with his hands strapped behind his back, a d is tortured and interrogated. He confesses after one hour. The German spy lasts two hours before confessing. The Italian spy lasts hours before his captors give up on him. The German and French spies ask how he lasted so long without talking and he says "I wanted to talk, but I couldn't move my hands."
What do you call it when two female spies fall in love?
Lesbianage
How do spies eat their waffles?
Syruptitiously!
Two German spies came to English pub during WW II.
One German said to another: "Be careful. Let's pretend that we are British. We should order martini this time, not schnaps". So they requested barman for two martinies.
- Dry martini? - asked barman.
- Warum drei? Zwei!
Three spies are captured in london
One is German, one is French and the other is italian. First they interrogate the German spy and after 3 hours of t**... he talks and is thrown back into the cell with the others. Then the French spy is interrogated, and after about 8 hours of t**... they get him to talk and throw him back with the others. Last they interrogate the Italian spy and after 20 hours of t**... and failing to make him say a word they give up for the day and throw him back with the others. When he is back in the cell with the other spies asked him, "how did you last that long without saying a word"?
Then the Italian man says,
"I was trying to speak but they had my hands strapped down and I wasn't able to move them".
A man walks into a bar and spies two lovely women sitting by the entrance...
As he walks towards the bar, he sees one tap the other shoulder and point at him. She looks him up and down and says "9", followed by giggling. The man goes over to his buddy and boasts that the two lovely ladies by the entrance had said he was a 9.
"Yeah, sorry man, but when I walked in they were speaking German."
What do spies say in bed?
Shh I'm undercovers
One day John looks over the fence and spies Sam's wife, n**..., watering the garden.
When Sam gets home from work, John brags to him that he's seen his wife n**....
Sam wants revenge, so that night creeps over to John's yard and catches sight of John's wife performing o**... s**....
The next day, Sam approaches John at the mailbox. "Hey, I saw your wife performing o**... s**... on you last night."
"Ha ha, the joke's on you," John says, "I wasn't home last night!"
What Shoes do Spies Wear?
Sneakers.
So Delta and United Airlines are in a bar...
United: "We threw a doctor off our plane!"
Delta glances around, spies baby....
Delta: "Hold my beer..."
Zwei Gin Bitte!
During World War 2, two German spies recieved an intensive training in English so they could do their job in London without causing suspicion.
To test their knowledge they enter a pub.
Spies: "Two gins, please!"
Bartender: "Dry?"
Spies (confused): "Nein, zwei!!
Why are homeless people the best spies
Because they can't afford to be seen
Did you hear about the politician who sold American w**... to Russian spies?
He was convicted of high treason.
3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.
After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info.
Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info.
Then they took the Italian spy and did the same to him, but he didnt give any info. They kept torturing him for 3 hours but with no luck. Eventually they gave up and put him back in the cell.
The 2 other spies asked him How did you do that? They tortured us like crazy! The Italian replied: I wanted to give all my info, but they tied my hands and so I couldn't speak.
The Pentagon is in the middle of switching up their nuclear codes..
They want them to be longer, in order to make them more secure. It's not because they're worried about spies cracking the codes. It's just that they want them to be over 140 characters so Trump can't tweet them out.
Most countries can boast that their intelligence agencies installed spies in foreign countries.
The Russians can boast that they installed a president.
What's a spies favorite holiday?
Halloween, its all about the spooks!
What's it called when spies perform Hamlet?
Thespionage
Did anyone hear about the new secret community of penguin spies
They are called the FBICE
2 spies in an interrogation room
The interrogator sat in front of them and asked for names.
Spy A says to the other
"Whatever you do, dont say a word"
A few seconds later Spy B said
"Fdugyop"
The Spy A looked at Spy B and said
"what did just say?"
Spy B replied
"Oh when we played scrabble you said '*thats not a word*' and NOW its a word"
Why do spies always wear hats?
Because they are undercover.
Why do spies care about the quality of their air and water?
Because they're infiltration
What did the Russian government do when they found out they needed more spies?
They GRU operatives.
Where do spies sleep?
undercover
A Spaniard is walking through a grocery store
He spies a carton on the shelf labeled "Soy Milk"
He smiles to himself and says softly "yes you are"
Why do Jamaican pilots make really good spies?
"Cos they're always in de' skies mon".
How do Chinese spies introduce themselves to their enemies?
They say, "I'm Wa-Ching Yu!"
The Cold War
In Poland, during the Cold War, two friends walk in the street : one spies on the other !
What's the difference between true communism and unhindered capitalism.
One spies on the people, removes privacy for the sake of the masses, and props up an establishment that serves only the lucky few.
And the other fortunately never caught on in America.
What do you call a Prime Minister who spies on all your activities?
Justin Truding.
hehe.
Two spies got caught using a book code to communicate
Clearly they weren't on the same page.
A worker at the Taxidermy Department Store notices some damage to a couple of grizzly exhibits
The front right leg on each of the works has been removed.
The worker sprints to the front of the store to alert his manager of the vandalism. On his way, he spies a r**... carrying the missing appendages.
"SIR!" the worker shouts. "You have damaged valuable pieces of merchandise. Exit the store. IMMEDIATELY!"
"Why?" drawls the r**... innocently. "I have the right two bear arms!"
An American spy comes into a Soviet bar
And orders a drink.
"No drink for US spies" said the barkeep.
The spy goes pale. He pulls out a bottle of v**... and drains it in one big gulp.
"You drink like Russian, but you are American spy"
The spy pulls out his accordeon and plays a wonderful Russian folk song, everyone in the bar tearing up, including the barkeep.
"You sing like Russian", he said under tears, "but you are American spy"
He starts dancing the Kozachok, worthy of the Bolshoy dancers.
"You dance like Russian, but you are American spy"
"Ok, you got me. But how do you know?"
"There are no black Russians"
A man goes to the bar after his shift at the lumber mill...
A man goes to the bar after his shift at the lumber mill. After having a few beers with his friend, he spies a very attractive girl sitting by herself, and decides to go say hi. Before he can make his way over however, his friend grabs his arm and says, "Hey, it's not worth it man. I noticed she's only been drinking ales tonight. I don't think she's into lagers."
Doctor Doolittle spies an unfamiliar crocodilian on a South American riverbank.
He calls out "I say! Are you a cayman?"
"Not bad, how 'bout you?" answers the croc.
An eagle is flying over the Grand Canyon when it spies a frog by a stream.
The eagle swoops down and swallows the frog whole, flying off with a full stomach. Somehow the frog makes it through the eagle's digestive tract and pokes his head out of the eagle's a**....
The frog takes a look around and yells back at the eagle: "Hey eagle. About how high up are we?
The eagle yells back, "Oh about 10,000 feet."
The frog replies, "Really? You wouldn't s**... me now, would you?"
What is the practice of using gay spies?
Lesbianage.
Two Ukrainian spies have infiltrated into Moscow and have set up for their plot to kill Vladimir Putin.
They are laying in wait for Putin's private car to pass by, having planted a roadside bomb.
One says to the other, "He is supposed to arrive in 5 minutes. Is everything ready?".
"Yes."
An hour later, no car has passed by.
"Are you sure you got the time right?"
"Yes, I'm sure. Gee, I hope nothing happened to him."
Avogadro's Number walks into the CIA
One of the spies responds, "Gentlemen, we have a mole."
