Spider Jokes

Following is our collection of Spider funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include dirty puns, clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best Spider jokes

My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book...

She laughed at me, and said

"Oh uncle J you're so old. Just use my phone."

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

Why is spiderman so good at comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

What do you call a spider with 20 eyes?

Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider

Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two.

Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider :(

What was Spider Man's major in college?

Web Design.

why don't spiders go to school..

Because they learn everything on web.

:(

i know i suck at jokes.

What do Spiderman and I have in common?

We both end up with sticky hands after using the web.

So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay

I'm worried I'm secretly a giant spider.

I once met a spider from Baghdad...

He was an Iraqnid.

Please pray for my wife....

A spider bit her on the forehead and she is now in the E.R. They said she almost died.
Lucky for her, I was near and hit the spider as hard as I could with a bat right when it bit her.

Man is like spider...

..bound to have sticky fingers after being on the web

Now how's he going to read the newspaper, all rolled up like that?"

...thought the spider.

Two spiders are at another spiders funeral.

"Peter was the most gentle spider I ever knew. He wouldn't hurt a fly."

"Yeah, that's true. Do you know what he died from?"

"Starvation."

A dinosaur, a spider, and a cowboy walk into a bar

All three sit at the bar and begin drinking heavily, clearly distressed. The bartender asks them what their troubles are.
The Cowboy takes a shot, then says "my horse got loose, ran into traffic, and got hit by a semi truck carrying gasoline. Cause a whole big explosion and blew my poor horse to bits." The spider nods sympathetically. "I just lost my husband in that same fire. The driver found him, freaked out, and crashed trying to squash my dear hubby."
The bartender is in shock, but finally asks the dinosaur his story.
The dinosaur sniffed, took a sip from his straw, and said "My whole family was on that truck"

What did Spiderman say when he worked at MacDonalds?

With minimum wage comes minimum responsibility.

I asked my wife for a newspaper. She said not to be daft and to borrow her iPad.

That spider didn't know what hit it.

I asked my wife for the newspaper

I said to my wife, "Get me a newspaper."

"Don't be silly," she replied, "you can borrow my iPad."

The spider didn't see that coming.

What does Spiderman do when he's not fighting crime?

Web Development.

A spider crawled into my keyboard earlier.

It's okay, I've got him under Ctrl.

I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe...

I don't care how big a spider is, no-one steals my shoe...

What's the worst thing about getting bit by a poisonous spider?

That you're probably Australian.

"What's your favourite position?" asked my date.

I said, "It's the spider."


She said, "I don't know it."


"Well," I said, "it's when I stand in a corner of the room and you scream naughty things at me."

What do you call a spider from the Middle East?

an Iraqnid

Spiders must be...

the only web developers who like bugs.

What did the nervous spider say to the audience?

"Forgive me guys, but I've got butterflies in my stomach."

Newspaper and IPAD

I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. "Don't be silly", she replied. "Borrow my iPad." .... That spider didn't knew what f***ing hit it.

Mother told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

Went for a few drinks, pretty cool guy actually. Wants to be a web developer.

A lot of homophobes turn out to be secretly gay..

..I'm getting nervous thinking I might secretly be a giant spider

So a spider just crawled onto my keyboard

But don't worry I think it's under ctrl.

She said "undress me with your words"

So I replied by saying "there's a spider in your bra".

What do you call a spider from Baghdad?

An Iraqnid.

A spider crawled on my computer

Don't worry, it's under ctrl

Why do spiders hate Area 51?

It's a no-fly zone.

Spiderman:

Just another guy who ends up with sticky hands after using the web.

An ant, a spider, and a centipede are holding a party.

The ant realizes that they are running low on beer. He offers to head out to buy some more beers. The centipede says, "No, let me do it. You'd take too long. I have a lot more legs than you - I can do it faster!" The bugs agree.

10 minutes pass... Then 20 minutes, then 30, then more. The spider asks, "What's taking him so long?" The ant decides to head out to investigate. He opens the front door and sees the centipede outside.

The ant asks, "Hey man, what's taking you so long?"

The centipede replies, "I'm still putting on my shoes."

I asked my husband for the newspaper. "Don't be silly," he said. "Use my iPad."

That spider never knew what hit it.

Scientist: let's name this spider long legs, for its long legs.

Scientist 2: hmmmm not kinky enough.

What do you call a spider that's had a sex change?

A trantula.

I asked my girlfriend to get me a newspaper...

She said, "Nobody uses newspapers anymore use my iPad" and she was right, that spider died in one swing!

The other day I found a spider in my shoes

He looked so stupid. They were way too big for him

What does Yoko Ono and a spider have in common?

They both live off of dead beatles.

What do you call it when a spider gets a pimple?

Arachne

A group of primary school students were participating in a local spelling bee.

A keen young boy steps before the judges and is told, "Your word is spider."

Not quite sure as to how to spell it, the boy asks, "Could you please use it in a sentence?"

A judge replies, "A spider has eight eyes."

The boy then states, "S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R."

I named a spider on my wall cotton eyed joe

Because I have two questions,
Where did he come from,
And where did he go!?

Why are Spiderman stickers the stickiest?

They don't peel so good.

Her: Undress me with your words.

Me: There's a spider in your bra.

Why is Spider-Man a bad boyfriend?

He's super clingy.

Did you know that Spider-Man has a winter jacket made out of Mediterranean flatbread?

It's a pita parka.

A blind man and a man in a wheelchair are having a conversation.

The man in the wheelchair says: "hey look! A spider" to which the blind man replied "step on it"

What would be a more appropriate name for spiderman?

Peter parkour.

A man is like a spider....

when he is on the web, he is bound to get his hands sticky....

Spider web designer joke

My friend and I wanted to take the spider out instead of killing it...
Went and got drinks, cool guy, wants to be a web designer.

What does a spider want to be when he grows up?

(This is really good guys...brace yourselves..........)


A web designer.

While in bed, my girlfriend screamed, "Oh my god, it's so big!"

Then I saw the spider.

What was that Spiderman quote again?

With great reflexes, comes great response ability.

Why did the fly fly?

Because the spider spied her.

What do you call it when an Iraqi and a spider have a baby?

An Iraqnid.

What would you call Spider Man if he was a valet?

Peter Parker

Why did the two spiders get along so well?

They see eye to eye to eye to eye to eye to eye to eye to eye.

A scientist performed an expirement on a spider...

He put the spider on a table and told it to jump, and it did. Then, he plucked off one of its legs and told it to jump, and it jumped again, but not as high as the first time. The scientist did this again and again, taking off another leg each time until all of its legs were gone. When the spider had no legs, he told it to jump. It just laid there, not jumping.

The scientist's conclusion: Spiders without legs are deaf.

We had a spider in our room..

My girlfriend told me to take it out,

Seems like a nice guy,
Wants to be a web developer.

What did Spider-Man say when he was deployed to the Middle East?

Iraq, no phobia

Why does Spider-Man only drink Kool-aid?

Because with grape powder comes great responsibility.

What do you call a spider that avoids other spiders?

A recluse

I saw a spider in my house today, but instead of killing it I took it out.

We had a couple drinks, and as it turns out he's a really good guy. He says he wants to be a web designer.

What do you call a graduated spider?

A Web Designer

I don't get what the big deal is with spiders. Why is everyone so scared of them?

I got to know the spider living in the corner of my room. We talked about our dreams and goals, he wants to be a Web designer.

Why doesn't Spiderman like rice?

It reminds him of Uncle Ben.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead decided to take a vacation to Australia. None of them made it back alive.

The redhead hopped off the plane and headed straight for the beach. She was eaten by a shark shortly thereafter.

The brunette was tired after her long flight, so she headed straight for her hotel to take a nap. After her nap, she got up to head to the opera, but a spider had slipped into her shoes and when she tried to put them on she was bitten and died.

The blonde was found drowned in her car off the coast of Florida. She'd taken one look at flight tickets and figured it was cheaper to drive.

Why did the spider never go to school

Because she learnt everything on the web.



b^a^d^a^b^u^m

What do Spider-Man and Metallica have in common?

Both have had an experience of entering Sandman

Why did Spiderman open a retirement account?

He wanted to turn his Spidey cents into Spidey dollars.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes