The Best 97 Sperm Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Sperm jokes. There are some sperm insemination jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these sperm sperm whale puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Sperm Jokes and Puns
I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday
Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.
Milk
Me: Hey, thanks for the glass of milk earlier
Sperm bank employee: What glass of milk
Me: The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk
Sperm bank employee: Oh no
Me: What
Sperm bank employee: You drank my glass of milk
What do sperm and politicians have in common?
About 1 in every 500 or 600 million have a chance at becoming human.
Sperm Bank
At a sperm bank one day, a man walks up with a ski mask and a gun. He points the gun at the lady at the desk.
"Sir.. this is a sperm bank.." says the lady.
"I know. Get out three bottles of sperm" he commanded.
So she obeys and takes out three bottles of frozen sperm.
"Drink it." says the man.
So she wincingly swallows each gulp until they're all empty. Disgusted she takes a look at the man as he takes off his ski mask and pockets his gun.
"See honey? It's not that hard."
How much sperm do gay guys have?
A buttload
So I was chatting it up with the receptionist at the sperm bank
And I said "You know, I really love this place. I come here all the time."
I just successfully robbed a bank!
Now what to do with all this sperm...
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant...
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
An old man doesn't feel well...
So he and his wife go to the doctors office. When they meet with the doctor he says "We need to do a full workup and run some tests. I'm going to need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample". The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and says "eh?". His wife just rolls her eyes and says "Frank, just give him your underwear!"
What's black, 10-inches long, rock-hard and filled with sperm?
The sock under my bed.
I hate it when people bother me...
I'm tired of people ringing my doorbell at all hours of the day and night, asking for donations. This morning it was some woman from the sperm bank. Boy, did I give her a mouthful!
You can explore sperm donors reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean sperm first sperm dad jokes. There are also sperm puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I didn't know you could get paid for donating sperm.
When I think of all the money I've let slip through my fingers...
What does a sperm and a politician have in common?
They both have a one in 100 million chance of being human.
How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
Your girl has to chew before she swallows.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
Both have a 1 in 2 millon chance of being a person someday.
What do you call the first sperm that reaches the egg?
The ova achiever
I work at a sperm bank, and today I accidentally tipped over one of the shelves...
I don't know what came over me.
Two sperms swimming
Two sperms swimming through a girls body. After a while one sperm looks at the other and says"we've been swimming forever! How much farther until we hit the ovaries?" The other sperm starts laughing and replies " ovaries?! We're not even halfway down the esophagus yet!"
I opened a sperm bank in London recently...
We had a disastrous first day. Only two clients. One came on the bus; the other one missed the tube.
Masked man robs a sperm bank...
... He approaches the safe with a gun and yells at the nurse,
"Open up this safe!"
Nurse replied in fear, "But sir this is a sperm bank, we don't have any money here."
I said open up this safe now!" he yelled again and the nurse opened it up.
"Now drink this viel!"
"But sir this is sperm!"
"I said drink!" and the nurse drank with disgust.
"Drink another!" and she emptied another viel with less resistance.
The robber reveals his face and nurse found out that the robber was actually her husband.
"Now Sharon, was it really that hard?"
My doctor told me to stop masturbating.
I went to the doctors yesterday and was surprised when he told me i needed to stop masturbating.
"Why, is my sperm count low?"
"No, you just need to let me finish your prostate exam first."
What do you get when you combine a goat egg and a goat sperm?
A Zy-Goat
I'll escort myself out.
Thinking about opening up a sperm bank in New Jersey.
Gonna call it: "Get a load of this guy over here!".
Why did the sperm cross the road?
I accidentally put on the wrong sock this morning.
I made a deposit at the sperm bank last night.
She really hates it when I call her that though.
I got banned from the sperm bank the other day...
They said I couldn't come within five hundred feet of the building.
A masked man goes into a sperm bank.
A masked man goes into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter, and says,
Open the safe.
She says, This isn't a real bank; it's a sperm bank.
He says, Open the safe or I'll shoot.
She opens the safe, and he says, Now take one of the bottles and drink it.
After she opens the bottle and drinks it, he takes off his mask and the woman realizes the robber is
her husband.
He says, Now you see? It's not so difficult, is it?
How much sperm does a gay man have?
A buttload.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won't stop to ask for directions.
What do a sperm and a lawyer have in common?
They each have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
i wonder if...
a receptionist at a sperm bank ever says "thanks for coming"
TIL sperm donors are paid $50 per donation.
It was devastating. Imagine all the money that has slipped through my fingers.
The Sperm is made up of Glucose........
MBBS Professor:
The Sperm is made up of Glucose, the same material Sugar is made of.
A Girl raised her hand:
"Then why doesn't it
taste like Sugar?"
Suddenly silence in hall.
Girl:Oops.
Then Professor's reply was also a Medical master piece:
My dear, Thats because, the taste buds are located on the tip of your Tongue and not at the end of your Throat
Killer .
Politicians are like sperm..
one in a million turn out to be an actual human being.
Who named the Sperm Whales?
Seamen.
A man steps onto an elevator with a woman inside...
He asks her, "Where are you headed today Miss?"
She says, "I'm on my way to the blood bank to donate blood."
The man asks, "How much do you get for that?"
She responds, "$20."
He then says, "Really? I'm on my way to the sperm bank, they pay me $100."
She looks angry about that, and then they part ways.
The next day the man gets on the elevator again to see the same woman. He says, "What a coincidence seeing you again. Where are you headed today?"
She responds, "To the sperm bank." with her mouth full.
I'm going to open a sperm bank.
I'll call it "Get a load of that guy"
I'm thinking of opening a sperm bank and calling it...
"Get a load of this guy"
I got fired from my job at the sperm bank
I said "Get a load of this guy," every time someone walked in.
NSFW: Sperm 1: God I'm getting tired! How long 'til we reach the fallopian tubes?
Sperm 2: Still a long way to go..........We've only passed the tonsils.
Why Do You Get Paid More At The Sperm Bank Than At The Blood Bank?
Sperm Is Handmade.
How do you know when you've got a high sperm count?
When she has to chew before she swallows.
A gay guy got fired from his job at the sperm bank
He was caught drinking on the job.
What did the sperm whale have on his front porch?
A whalecum mat.
What do attorneys and sperm have in common?
1 out of 3 million has the potential to be a human being
Today I came home to my wife crying because she was fired for drinking on the job
She worked at a sperm bank
(NSFW) Why is donor sperm more costly than donor blood?
Because it's handmade.
How much sperm does a gay guy have?
A butt-load.
Why was the gay security guard fired from the sperm bank?
He was caught drinking on the job.
A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor for a sperm test.
The doctor gives him a bottle to collect his sperm with. The next day he comes back with an empty bottle. He looks at the doctor and says:
"I've tried with my left hand and then with my right hand. My wife tried with both her hands. Even my daughter tried with both her hands and her mouth as well, same with my granddaughter. Even the neighbour and her daughter couldn't get it done! Doctor, could you open this bottle for me?"
A blonde goes to a blood bank to earn a little money to pay the bills...
She steps into the elevator along with an attractive young man.
"Are you going to the blood bank too?" she inquires.
"no" he replies: "I go to the sperm bank, because I get four times the cash as I get for a pint of blood".
A week later, they meet again in the same elevator. The guy asks: " Off to the blood bank again?"
The blonde just shakes her head and says :" Mmm-Mmm"
Me: When i donate blood i do not extract it myself. A nurse does it for me
Receptionist: Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way.
Did you hear about the lady that got fired from the sperm bank?
Drinking on the job.
Bullies and sperm have in common::
The One-in-a-Million chance of becoming a Human Being.
My doctor just asked me if I knew my sperm count
"Didn't realise they were that clever"
I read that donations to sperm banks have dropped dramatically...
It's probably because, these days, most men do their banking online...
My local sperm bank now has a guestbook..
To see who came before you.
I just found out sperm banks pay for your sample....
To think I've let all that money slip through my fingers.
Did you hear about the gay man getting fired from the sperm bank.
He was caught drinking on the job.
Got fired from work for drinking on the job
They're strict about that sort of thing at the sperm bank.
We had a fire drill at the sperm bank today...
But everyone gathered in the car park before the alarm went of, it was a premature evacuation
Why did the sperm cross the street?
I wore the wrong sock this morning.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
1 in 3,000,000 have a chance of becoming a human being.
Sperm...
Is just life in a nutshell
I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday.
I kept saying, "Get a load of this guy!", when someone walked in.
Whales have pretty sexual names, Sperm whale, humpback whale...
Your mom
How do you cancel an appointment with a sperm bank?
Tell them you can't come.
Two German soccer players go to a sperm bank..
The nurse there tells them that she can only take samples from one of them. Since they are both very strong men, she comes to a conclusion and tells them "I'll take a sample from the fastest runner"
This is alarming to the two German's, both of them being completely exhausted from the previous days game. After discussing it for a while, they decide to inform the nurse
"I don't think we're ready to compete for the cup...
A man is talking to a sperm bank employee.
Man: "Thank you for that glass of milk earlier."
Sperm bank employee: "What glass of milk?"
Man: "The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk."
Sperm bank employee: "Oh my god."
Man: "What?"
Sperm bank employee: "You drank my glass of milk."
Meanwhile at the Sperm Donor Bank
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.
He goes up to the nurse and demands for her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.
So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!".
So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well.
Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard is it ?."
A man and a woman are chatting in an elevator.
"What are you up to today?" he asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20 a pint."
"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100 a tablespoon."
The woman gets a strange look on her face and gets off the elevator.
The next day, they meet in the elevator again.
The man asks, "So, where you off to today?"
"Fmerm mank," she says, with her mouth full.
How did the sperm cross the road?
I wore the wrong socks.
I'm a 5G installation engineer and people are constantly accusing me with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches, or killing their sperm. I think they are completely crazy.
4G must've fried their brains.
I got fired from the sperm bank
I can't figure out why, it might have been that every time someone left I said "Thank you for coming"
Why do sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes?
They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions.
I wonder if the receptionist at the sperm bank ever uses the phrase
Thanks for coming!
How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
When your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.
Sperm banks be like:
Get a load of this guy
Feminist have invented a new form of birth control that kills any sperm with a Y chromosome.
It's called sonblock.
First joke on here. Came up with that while camping this past weekend.
Four insurance companies are in competition.
One comes up with the slogan, "Coverage from the cradle to the grave."
The Second one tries to improve on that with, "Coverage from the womb to the tomb."
Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with, "From the sperm to the worm."
The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up the race, but finally came up with, "From the erection to the resurrection."
Why are sperm donations more expensive than blood donations?
They are hand made
Got fired from the sperm bank yesterday
Apparently they were mad at me for saying Get a load of this guy every time someone walked in.
Two sperm are swimming along, searching for an egg to fertilize
The first sperm says, are we almost there? I don't know how much longer I can do this!
The second sperm responds, keep going buddy, you can do it. We just passed the tonsils!
A sperm donor, a lumberjack, and an agreeable man walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he concurred.
Why did the sperm cross the road
Because I wore the wrong pair of socks today
Why did the egg and the sperm start a business?
Because sex cells.
"When I donate blood, I don't extract it myself..."
"... the nurse does it for me."
"I understand stand sir, but this is a sperm bank, it doesn't work that way here."
A man walks into a sperm bank
The doctor says "get a load of this guy"
A sperm donor, a carpenter and Mehmed II, Ottoman Emperor are in a room. Julius Caesar walks in the room. What did he say?
"Veni, vidi, vici."
Two lines at the hospital
There were two lines at the hospital, one for the blood bank, one for the sperm bank. At the end of the sperm bank line, there was woman.
\- Aren't you in the wrong line? they asked her.
\- Uh uh, she said shaking her head, with her mouth closed.
Donations
A man was sitting at a bar, morosely staring at his untouched beer. The bartender walked over and asked, "What's the problem, pal?" "My brother just told me there's a sperm bank in his neighborhood that pays $50 for a donation." "Yeah, so?"
"Don't you realize?" the man cried. "I've let a fortune slip through my fingers!"
A senior citizen goes to yearly physical
The doctor asks for urine sample, stool sample and sperm sample
The man being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks "what did he say?"
The wife yells back to him "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR "
Two gay dudes are making out in the shower.
Just as they are getting hot and heavy the phone rings.
The first one says "I'm going to answer the phone, don't do anything until I come back"
He answers the phone and returns a few minutes later.
When he gets back in the shower he sees sperm all over the wall.
Angrily he says " I told you not to do anything till I came back"
The other guy answers
" I didn't I just farted "
Guy says to a receptionist at the clinic.
Guy: When I donate blood, I don't extract it myself, the nurse does it for me.
Receptionist: I understand sir, but this is the sperm bank, it doesn't work that way here....
A man walks into a sperm bank with $15,000 cash and says "I'd like to make a deposit please"
The receptionist tells him "Sir, this isn't that kind of bank, we can't help you with that."
The man goes "shit, that must be why I was getting funny looks when I made my deposit at the other place"
Yo momma so slutty...
She got fired for drinking on the job at the sperm bank.
I invited my friends to a sperm bank
But nobody came….
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