sperm Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious sperm stories

What are the best Sperm puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Sperm? Well here is a complete list of Sperm dad jokes:

A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

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The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup...

I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."

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I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked if I could masturbate in the cup...

I told her i'm pretty good but I don't think i'm ready to compete in a tournament yet.

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I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

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I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked if I could masturbate in the cup...

I told her i'm pretty good but I don't think i'm ready to compete in a tournament yet.

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Milk

Me: Hey, thanks for the glass of milk earlier

Sperm bank employee: What glass of milk

Me: The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk

Sperm bank employee: Oh no

Me: What

Sperm bank employee: You drank my glass of milk


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I paid a homeless lady in Nashville $1 for two jokes. Wanna hear em? NSFW.

She was advertising two jokes for $1 so don't think I just walked up to her and said "I'll give you a dollar if you tell me two jokes."

"Why can't miss piggy count to seventy? Because every time she gets to 69 she get a little frog in her throat."

"How can you tell your man has a high sperm count? You have to chew before you swallow."

My boyfriend paid a dollar and got these -

"Two condoms were walking down the street. They passed a gay bar and one looks at the other and says 'hey want to go inside and get shit faced?'"

"How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? Pick it up and suck it's dick."

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Semen Sample

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."


The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

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Why did the sperm cross the road?

I put on the wrong sock this morning.

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old man goes to the Dr....

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

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A man runs into a sperm bank..

Mask on, gun out, he rushes up to the employee behind the counter puts the gun in her face and yells, "Give me all your money!!"

The woman replies, "But Sir, this is a sperm bank..."

The man yells, "Fuck! What's in that container?"

"A sperm sample..."

"DRINK IT!"

The woman complies and drinks the sample.

"How does it taste??" yells the man.

"What?"

"How does it taste!?"

"It's not that bad," replies the woman.

The robber lifts his mask to reveal that it is her husband and says, "See??"

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Sperm Bank

At a sperm bank one day, a man walks up with a ski mask and a gun. He points the gun at the lady at the desk.
"Sir.. this is a sperm bank.." says the lady.
"I know. Get out three bottles of sperm" he commanded.
So she obeys and takes out three bottles of frozen sperm.
"Drink it." says the man.

So she wincingly swallows each gulp until they're all empty. Disgusted she takes a look at the man as he takes off his ski mask and pockets his gun.

"See honey? It's not that hard."

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So I was chatting it up with the receptionist at the sperm bank

And I said "You know, I really love this place. I come here all the time."

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[NSFW] A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun...

He goes up to the nurse and demands she open the sperm bank vault.
She says "But sir, this is a sperm bank!"

"**Open it now!**" he shouts.

So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!"

She looks at him, puzzled. "Are you serious?!"

"***DO IT!!***" The man screams.
So the nurse sucks it back.

"That one there, drink that one as well." He says.

So the nurse drinks that one as well.

The man makes her drink two more, and as she finishes the fourth sample, the man takes off his ski mask and says,

"See honey - its not that hard."

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A Twisted Tale

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his beautiful young wife pregnant.
So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done.
The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.
The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.

Doctor: What was the problem?

Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried.
Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing.

Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!

Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

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Why did the sperm cross the road?

...'Cause I wore the wrong pair of socks this morning.

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A blonde, a brunette, and a red head Walk into an elevator

The brunette sees something very sticky on the floor and asks "is that sperm?" The red head bends down and smells the stuff and says "it sure smells like cum to me." The blonde kneels down gets a finger full, tastes it and proclaims "It's nobody from this building"

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I work at a sperm bank, and today I accidentally tipped over one of the shelves...

I don't know what came over me.

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Old Man Problems

Joke sent to me from family, couldn't find it here.

OLD people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man re-appeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing..

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'She even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your
neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get
the jar open.'

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What do you call the first sperm that reaches the egg?

The ova achiever

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How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?

Your girl has to chew before she swallows.

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An old man doesn't feel well...

So he and his wife go to the doctors office. When they meet with the doctor he says "We need to do a full workup and run some tests. I'm going to need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample". The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and says "eh?". His wife just rolls her eyes and says "Frank, just give him your underwear!"

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Two sperms swimming

Two sperms swimming through a girls body. After a while one sperm looks at the other and says"we've been swimming forever! How much farther until we hit the ovaries?" The other sperm starts laughing and replies " ovaries?! We're not even halfway down the esophagus yet!"

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What's black, 10-inches long, rock-hard and filled with sperm?

The sock under my bed.

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I'm not saying she's a slut

but she did get fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job.

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I opened a sperm bank in London recently...

We had a disastrous first day. Only two clients. One came on the bus; the other one missed the tube.

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What does a sperm cell have in common with a lawyer?

Both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

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Dirty Joke

A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.

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What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

Both have a 1 in 2 millon chance of being a person someday.

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Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.

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Masked man robs a sperm bank...

... He approaches the safe with a gun and yells at the nurse,
"Open up this safe!"

Nurse replied in fear, "But sir this is a sperm bank, we don't have any money here."

I said open up this safe now!" he yelled again and the nurse opened it up.

"Now drink this viel!"

"But sir this is sperm!"

"I said drink!" and the nurse drank with disgust.

"Drink another!" and she emptied another viel with less resistance.

The robber reveals his face and nurse found out that the robber was actually her husband.

"Now Sharon, was it really that hard?"

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What do you get when you combine a goat egg and a goat sperm?

A Zy-Goat

I'll escort myself out.

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Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong pair of socks this morning.

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Bank on it..

A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.

"I'm going down to give blood."

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"

"About $20."

"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.

The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.

"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"

"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.

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My doctor told me to stop masturbating.

I went to the doctors yesterday and was surprised when he told me i needed to stop masturbating.

"Why, is my sperm count low?"

"No, you just need to let me finish your prostate exam first."

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What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in fifty million have a chance to become a human being

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An old guy was supposed to submit samples for his sperm count...

...but returned the jar empty. When asked why, he said: "I tried one hand, then two, then I asked my maid to help. She used her hands, her mouth, even her thighs, but nothing! I even asked the gardener. Even the neighbor! Even the neighbor's gardener! But no one could open the damn jar!"

(Found this in a book. Credit to wherever it's due)

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I just successfully robbed a bank!

Now what to do with all this sperm...

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What does a sperm and a politician have in common?

They both have a one in 100 million chance of being human.

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I hate it when people bother me...

I'm tired of people ringing my doorbell at all hours of the day and night, asking for donations. This morning it was some woman from the sperm bank. Boy, did I give her a mouthful!

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How do you tell if you have a high sperm count.

She chews before she swallows.

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And now for something completely different

A young female nurse is working the front desk at a sperm bank. A man wearing a ski mask barges in through the front door and holds a gun to her head. He tells her "Open the vault!"

"But sir, this is a sperm bank..."

"Just do it!" The woman complies and opens the vault containing hundreds of vials of donations. "Now, uncork one and drink it!

"Sir, I don't understand..."

"Do as I say!" So she uncorks a sample and drinks it down. She chokes on it but is more worried about the mysterious man. The assailant has her do it a few more times. The woman is visibly shaken, but he takes off the ski mask and says

"See honey, it isn't that hard."

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I didn't know you could get paid for donating sperm.

When I think of all the money I've let slip through my fingers...

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What do sperm and politicians have in common?

About 1 in every 500 or 600 million have a chance at becoming human.

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She sure showed him.

A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.

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Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong sock this morning

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So a man with a ski mask on...

...walks into a bank with a gun in hand. He runs up to the first teller and holds the gun up to her.
"This is a robbery! Gimme everything you got!"

"Bu...but sir i dont think you understand. This is a sperm bank" said the teller.

Obviously thrown off guard, the robber stands there baffled. After a few seconds, he holds the gun up to the teller again. "Okay, well.... grab a cup of ypur freshest sperm and put it on the counter."

"What?! I dont know if i...."

"Do it or i'll shoot you!"

She reaches into a nearby fridge, places the cup on the counter, and puts her hands back up.

"Now drink it!"

"Wha....what?! I dont..."

"DO IT OR I'LL BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF"

Frightened, the woman opens the cup and quickly drinks it.

The man drops his gun and takes his mask off. It's the tellers husband.
He smiles and walks up to her, "See? Now that wasn't so bad!"

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What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?

A: I can't see a thing with all this shit in here.

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Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong sock this morning...

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How much sperm do gay guys have?

A buttload

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best sperm jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about sperm. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty sperm gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these sperm jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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