Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it...
Thank you for everything, Mom.
Happy Mothers' Day!
She was delighted. I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough. But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts! Women, I can't figure them out.
At least you won't have to work at the same desk that Monica spent so much time under.
Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.
It's really my own fault. I had a double major in psychology and reverse psychology.
"What's wrong, dear?" she asks.
"Do you remember 20 years ago, when your father caught us having sex in the back of his police car?"
"I remember," she says.
"And when he told me to marry you right then, or he'd make sure I spent the next 20 years in jail?"
"Of course I remember," she says. "But why are you crying?"
"I would have gotten out today."
She thinks I'm digging a pond.
She couldn't take it any longer
She'd be spinning in her ditch
But I spent $534 million less than Hillary Clinton to not become President.
I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted.
I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic.
I spent $1,000 on lip job for her and she couldn't thank me enough.
I spent $50 on a blowjob for myself and she lost her shit! Women, I can't figure them out.
She could not take it any longer.
"Rabbi, I think my wife is trying to poison me!"
"Very interesting," says the Rabbi. "Let me go and talk to her and see what I can find out."
A few hours later the Rabbi calls the man up.
"I've spent several hours speaking with your wife," he says.
"What should I do?" the man asked.
"Take the poison."
More money is spent on boob jobs and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research! By 2040 the elderly will have perky tits, stiff cocks and no fucking idea why!
Jill didn't come home one night. When she got home the next morning, she said she'd slept over at a girl friend's house.
Jack called ten of her best friends, but none of them said she had been there.
A week later, Jack doesn't come home. The next day, he says he spent the night at a buddy's house after getting too drunk.
Jill called his ten best friends. 8 said he'd been there the night before, while 2 said he was still there.
After getting sent to jail, I spent the next hour being held face down over a table and getting violently fucked up the arse.
Sometimes I think my uncle Brian takes Monopoly a bit too seriously...
...they spent another 2hrs talking outside.
In all the time I've spent hanging around her house, hiding in the bushes, watching her come and go...I've never seen any signs of a stalker.
....while using my phone's flashlight
No one will do it.
Now I can't even look myself in the mirror.
All of my savings have gone up in Steam.
Spent the whole day looking up at the giant sculptures , I discovered a new species.
Myneckisaur.
This is my first dad joke post :)
Halfway through he asked, "Is that lady going to die?"
"Probably," I replied, "judging by the size of that horse's cock."
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -- something she loved to do.
"That feels so nice" he said. Then turned and asked her, "You seem to love doing that, but why?"
Because, she replied, "I miss mine."
They spent more time in the closet!....
My parents can be so fucking rude sometimes.
...but no one will do it.
She thinks I'm digging a pool.
He spent his day cutting up vegetables
When my wife left me, it hurt. I was so upset and lonely.
Since then, I've got a dog, purchased a new motorcycle, had sex with two beautiful women, and spent thousands of dollars on alcohol and drugs.
She'll go fucking nuts when she gets home from work.
In west Cincinnati I was born and raised on the zoo grounds is where I spent most of my days,Chillin out hangin out acting all cool, eating bananas out by the pool When a mom and her kid, they were up to no good, crawled over the fence into my neighborhood,I got in one little fight and my zoo keeper got scared, heard a gunshot just before I stopped breathing air.......
I wish I never tried it on in the first place.
Those bastards sent me a magnifying glass
After having great sex, she spent the next hour rubbing his testicles. This was something she loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned to ask her "Why do you love doing that?" "Because.." she replied, "I really miss mine."
It was all in vein.
They spent two hours arguing who heard it first.
A man was in bed with his Thai girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spent the next hour just stroking his
penis, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.
Rather enjoying it, he turns and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"
She replied: "Because I really miss mine".
So I've spent all my life working on a time machine, and now that I've built it, I'm going back in time to when he was a little boy, and I'm going to punch him and see how he likes it!
God bless her soul, she thinks I'm digging a koi pond.
It was a complete waist of time.
But no one will do it.
sadly the idea never took off.
They've spent so much time in the closet.
He said it was a waist of time.
(as told to me last night by my 10 year old).
..I spent entire day listening to Celine Dion records.
.
.
Or that's what I thought until I realised my cat had fallen in to the dryer.
'That wife of mine is a liar.' said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.
'How do you know?' the friend asked.
'She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley.'
'So?' the friend replied.
'So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!
I really shouldn't have put it on in the first place.
But I still have nothing to chauffeur it.
But no one will do it
I think she saw me coming.
My Uncle Frank takes Monopoly far too seriously
Man I'll never try wearing that again
*"with all the money you've spent on cigarettes over the last 25 years, you could've bought a ferrari"*
"well, have you ever smoked?"
*"no, it's disgusting"*
"WELL WHERE'S YOUR FUCKING FERRARI?!"
when I sat across from a very attractive babe from Thailand.
I spent the next 10 minutes thinking to myself, "don't get an erection, please don't get an erection". But she did.
At least 4 or 5.
What a waist of thyme.
Earlier today she spent an hour trying to force a lettuce into my ass.
And that was just the tip of the iceburg
Last week Trump received a coded message, reportedly from Chinese Hackers.
It read: 370HSSV-0773H
Trump was stumped and asked Pence what the message could mean. Pence was totally stumped too, so they passed it to the top American programmers, who spent 2 days trying to decipher it. Knackered, the programmers sent it to the FBI.
The Director of the FBI suggested Trump should turn the message upside down.
They have spent so much time in the closet.
Two blondes are walking in the woods and come across a set of tracks. One looks at them and says "Wow, wolf tracks!"
The other looks down and scoffs. "Those are coyote tracks, not wolf tracks. Look at the size!"
"No they are not" says the first. "I've spent most of my life walking in these woods, and I know wolf tracks when I see them!"
They stand there arguing over the tracks for some time, and are eventually hit by a train.
They're just staggering.
The steaks had never been higher.
So I spent HOURS and HOURS childproofing my house. Wouldn't you know it? That fucker still got in.
It's been my dream ever since I was a little buoy.
...I'm so LIVID right now.
I guess it's not working out
I need to quit making rash decisions.
"What's wrong, dear?" she asks.
"Do you remember 20 years ago, when your father caught us having sex in the back of his police car?"
"I remember," she says.
"And when he told me to marry you right then, or he'd make sure I spent the next 20 years in jail?"
"Of course I remember," she says. "But why are you crying?"
"I would have gotten out today."
Stupid bitch still thinks I'm digging a pond.
I once spent a month in the slammer.
It wasn't that bad. The guards were friendly. My cell-mate was a cool guy. The food was better than my wife's. I didn't see any fights. I wasn't assaulted or raped.
On my last day a guard walked me out to the exit gate. We chatted about football on the way. As the gate opened he said to me, "Goodbye and good luck. How do you feel?"
"I feel good, man," I replied. "I'm happy to finally be out."
Then he smacked me hard across the skull with his baton, drawing blood. I was like, "What the hell, dude?"
"That's for ending your sentence with a preposition."
A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
A man heard that masturbating before sex often helped blokes last longer during the act. The man decided to give it a try. He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to wank.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
I stole this from an HBO comedy special and posted it elsewhere.
A prospector spent 5 years in the mountains looking for gold. One day he comes to town and heads to the bar. He says "bartender, gimme a whiskey". He has his drink and says "bartender, you got any women around here?". Bartender says "no, be we got Old Joe in the back". The prospector says "Bartender, I don't go for that shit!" He heads back to the mountains.
Five years later, he comes back to town and heads to the bar. He says "bartender, gimme a whiskey". He has his drink and says "bartender, you got any women around here yet?" The bartender says "no, but we got Old Joe in the back". The prospector says "bartender, I don't go for that shit!" and heads back to the mountains.
Five more years pass and the prospector walks into the bar and says "bartender, gimme a whiskey". He has his drink and says "bartender, are there any women around here yet?" The bartender says "no, but we still got old Joe in the back". The prospector says "bartender, I don't go for that shit!" He heads to the door, then stops. He thinks to himself "it has been a long, long time".
He turns and says "hey bartender, if I do do it with old Joe, who's going to know?" The bartender says "well, you, me, old Joe of course, and the other two guys". The prospector says "what other two guys?" The bartender says "the two guys holding Old Joe down, he doesn't go for that shit either".
You've got to be squidding me! (I spent a whole day making that up for my wife)
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