Spent Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver

Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it...

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife...

Thank you for everything, Mom.
Happy Mothers' Day!

I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife

She was delighted. I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough. But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts! Women, I can't figure them out.

Cheer up Hilary!

At least you won't have to work at the same desk that Monica spent so much time under.

Spent over an hour at the wife's grave this morning.

Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.

I spent four years at college and didn't learn anything...

It's really my own fault. I had a double major in psychology and reverse psychology.

A woman wakes up to her husband crying in bed today

"What's wrong, dear?" she asks.

"Do you remember 20 years ago, when your father caught us having sex in the back of his police car?"

"I remember," she says.

"And when he told me to marry you right then, or he'd make sure I spent the next 20 years in jail?"

"Of course I remember," she says. "But why are you crying?"

"I would have gotten out today."

I spent a few hours by my wife's grave today.

She thinks I'm digging a pond.

My wife just left me because I spent our life savings on a penis enlargement...

She couldn't take it any longer

If my grandmother knew how much money i spent on her funeral

She'd be spinning in her ditch

Now I'm not saying I'm a good businessman

But I spent $534 million less than Hillary Clinton to not become President.

I can't figure women out...

I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted.

I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic.

I spent $1,000 on lip job for her and she couldn't thank me enough.

I spent $50 on a blowjob for myself and she lost her shit! Women, I can't figure them out.

My wife left me because I spent our entire life savings on a penis enlargement procedure.

She could not take it any longer.

A man goes to his Rabbi

"Rabbi, I think my wife is trying to poison me!"

"Very interesting," says the Rabbi. "Let me go and talk to her and see what I can find out."

A few hours later the Rabbi calls the man up.

"I've spent several hours speaking with your wife," he says.

"What should I do?" the man asked.

"Take the poison."

More money is spent on boob jobs and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research!

More money is spent on boob jobs and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research! By 2040 the elderly will have perky tits, stiff cocks and no fucking idea why!

The bro code

Jill didn't come home one night. When she got home the next morning, she said she'd slept over at a girl friend's house.

Jack called ten of her best friends, but none of them said she had been there.

A week later, Jack doesn't come home. The next day, he says he spent the night at a buddy's house after getting too drunk.

Jill called his ten best friends. 8 said he'd been there the night before, while 2 said he was still there.

Sent to Jail.

After getting sent to jail, I spent the next hour being held face down over a table and getting violently fucked up the arse.

Sometimes I think my uncle Brian takes Monopoly a bit too seriously...

Two women in a shared cell were in the prison for 15yrs. When they were freed...

...they spent another 2hrs talking outside.

My ex-girlfriend says she has a stalker. I have to say I'm surprised.

In all the time I've spent hanging around her house, hiding in the bushes, watching her come and go...I've never seen any signs of a stalker.

I stopped smoking weed the day after I spent 30minutes looking for my phone under the bed...

....while using my phone's flashlight

I spent the last two years trying to find my ex girlfriend's killer.

No one will do it.

I spent my whole life being proud of my British heritage until I found out that my Great Grandfather was actually from Transylvania

Now I can't even look myself in the mirror.

I spent too much money on video games this month.

All of my savings have gone up in Steam.

Took my kids to the dinosaur museum today.

Spent the whole day looking up at the giant sculptures , I discovered a new species.

Myneckisaur.

This is my first dad joke post :)

I spent some quality time with my 5-year old grandson today watching a movie....

Halfway through he asked, "Is that lady going to die?"

"Probably," I replied, "judging by the size of that horse's cock."

Tender touching

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -- something she loved to do.

"That feels so nice" he said. Then turned and asked her, "You seem to love doing that, but why?"

Because, she replied, "I miss mine."

Why are Gay Men better dressers?

They spent more time in the closet!....

I stopped by the house I spent my childhood in, and I politely asked the owners if I could look around. They said no and slammed the door in my face

My parents can be so fucking rude sometimes.

I've spent the last four years looking for my ex-wife's killer...

...but no one will do it.

I spent a few hours at my wife's grave today.

She thinks I'm digging a pool.

How do you know the Japanese mass murderer was a chef?

He spent his day cutting up vegetables

My wife left me...

When my wife left me, it hurt. I was so upset and lonely.

Since then, I've got a dog, purchased a new motorcycle, had sex with two beautiful women, and spent thousands of dollars on alcohol and drugs.

She'll go fucking nuts when she gets home from work.

FRESH HARAMBE OF BELL AIR....

In west Cincinnati I was born and raised on the zoo grounds is where I spent most of my days,Chillin out hangin out acting all cool, eating bananas out by the pool When a mom and her kid, they were up to no good, crawled over the fence into my neighborhood,I got in one little fight and my zoo keeper got scared, heard a gunshot just before I stopped breathing air.......

I spent half an hour trying to take off my girlfriends bra. I gave up in the end.

I wish I never tried it on in the first place.

I just spent $50 on Ebay for a penis enlarger

Those bastards sent me a magnifying glass

A man was lying in bed next to his new girlfriend

After having great sex, she spent the next hour rubbing his testicles. This was something she loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned to ask her "Why do you love doing that?" "Because.." she replied, "I really miss mine."

I spent a year writing a romance novel where two blood cells meet and fall in love. It never got published.

It was all in vein.

I farted in a room full of hipsters.

They spent two hours arguing who heard it first.

A man was in bed with his Thai girlfriend...

A man was in bed with his Thai girlfriend.


After having great sex, she spent the next hour just stroking his
penis, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.


Rather enjoying it, he turns and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"


She replied: "Because I really miss mine".

I remember when I was a little boy, an old man suddenly stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.

So I've spent all my life working on a time machine, and now that I've built it, I'm going back in time to when he was a little boy, and I'm going to punch him and see how he likes it!

Spent an hour by my wife's grave

God bless her soul, she thinks I'm digging a koi pond.



I spent all morning gluing watches together to make a belt...

It was a complete waist of time.

I've spent the last four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer.

But no one will do it.

I spent months inventing a wingless plane

sadly the idea never took off.

Why are gay men so great at fashion?

They've spent so much time in the closet.

Did you hear about the guy who spent six months making a belt out of watches?

He said it was a waist of time.

(as told to me last night by my 10 year old).

Yesterday, I got so depressed..

..I spent entire day listening to Celine Dion records.
.
.
Or that's what I thought until I realised my cat had fallen in to the dryer.

MY WIFE IS A LIAR!

'That wife of mine is a liar.' said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.

'How do you know?' the friend asked.

'She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley.'

'So?' the friend replied.

'So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!

Ive just spent 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off.

I really shouldn't have put it on in the first place.

I spent all day working on a bunch of puns about limousine drivers.

But I still have nothing to chauffeur it.

I spent the past 2 years looking for my girlfriend's killer

But no one will do it

I just spent Β£500 on a fortune teller, and all she told me was that she had a vision of me masturbating.

I think she saw me coming.

Just been sent to jail for the first time and spent the first half hour getting ass raped.

My Uncle Frank takes Monopoly far too seriously

I just spent over a half hour trying to get my girlfriend's bra off...

Man I'll never try wearing that again

A friend asks me why I smoke cigarettes...

*"with all the money you've spent on cigarettes over the last 25 years, you could've bought a ferrari"*

"well, have you ever smoked?"

*"no, it's disgusting"*

"WELL WHERE'S YOUR FUCKING FERRARI?!"

I was on the train this afternoon...

when I sat across from a very attractive babe from Thailand.

I spent the next 10 minutes thinking to myself, "don't get an erection, please don't get an erection". But she did.

I read the other day that Penn State has spent $237 million defending the university during the Sandusky lawsuit. Think of how many peoples' education that would pay for.

At least 4 or 5.

I spent the afternoon making a belt out of herbs;

What a waist of thyme.

My wife has developed a fetish with salad items...

Earlier today she spent an hour trying to force a lettuce into my ass.

And that was just the tip of the iceburg

Trump receives a message

Last week Trump received a coded message, reportedly from Chinese Hackers.

It read: 370HSSV-0773H

Trump was stumped and asked Pence what the message could mean. Pence was totally stumped too, so they passed it to the top American programmers, who spent 2 days trying to decipher it. Knackered, the programmers sent it to the FBI.

The Director of the FBI suggested Trump should turn the message upside down.

Why do gay people know so much about fashion?...

They have spent so much time in the closet.

Two blondes are walking in the woods

Two blondes are walking in the woods and come across a set of tracks. One looks at them and says "Wow, wolf tracks!"

The other looks down and scoffs. "Those are coyote tracks, not wolf tracks. Look at the size!"

"No they are not" says the first. "I've spent most of my life walking in these woods, and I know wolf tracks when I see them!"

They stand there arguing over the tracks for some time, and are eventually hit by a train.

I've spent today analysing some statistics about how drunk people walk.

They're just staggering.

A farmer spent over $12 million to see the effects of marijuana on cows...

The steaks had never been higher.

My brother wanted me to watch his kid

So I spent HOURS and HOURS childproofing my house. Wouldn't you know it? That fucker still got in.

I spent all day bobbing up and down in the water

It's been my dream ever since I was a little buoy.

I spent all of last night trying to remember the Roman numerals for 51, 6, and 500 and couldn't....

...I'm so LIVID right now.

I've spent a month lifting and I still haven't gotten stronger

I guess it's not working out

The itch from poison ivy is so bad that I just spent hundreds of dollars buying every possible cream and ointment at the pharmacy.

I need to quit making rash decisions.

A woman wakes up to find her husband weeping uncontrollably in bed.

"What's wrong, dear?" she asks.

"Do you remember 20 years ago, when your father caught us having sex in the back of his police car?"

"I remember," she says.

"And when he told me to marry you right then, or he'd make sure I spent the next 20 years in jail?"

"Of course I remember," she says. "But why are you crying?"

"I would have gotten out today."

*Sigh* I spent an hour at my wifes grave last night...

Stupid bitch still thinks I'm digging a pond.

I once spent a month in prison.

I once spent a month in the slammer.

It wasn't that bad. The guards were friendly. My cell-mate was a cool guy. The food was better than my wife's. I didn't see any fights. I wasn't assaulted or raped.

On my last day a guard walked me out to the exit gate. We chatted about football on the way. As the gate opened he said to me, "Goodbye and good luck. How do you feel?"

"I feel good, man," I replied. "I'm happy to finally be out."

Then he smacked me hard across the skull with his baton, drawing blood. I was like, "What the hell, dude?"

"That's for ending your sentence with a preposition."

Wrong Email

A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!

A man heard that masturbating before sex...

A man heard that masturbating before sex often helped blokes last longer during the act. The man decided to give it a try. He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to wank.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.

Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

A prospector has been in the mountains for years.

I stole this from an HBO comedy special and posted it elsewhere.

A prospector spent 5 years in the mountains looking for gold. One day he comes to town and heads to the bar. He says "bartender, gimme a whiskey". He has his drink and says "bartender, you got any women around here?". Bartender says "no, be we got Old Joe in the back". The prospector says "Bartender, I don't go for that shit!" He heads back to the mountains.

Five years later, he comes back to town and heads to the bar. He says "bartender, gimme a whiskey". He has his drink and says "bartender, you got any women around here yet?" The bartender says "no, but we got Old Joe in the back". The prospector says "bartender, I don't go for that shit!" and heads back to the mountains.

Five more years pass and the prospector walks into the bar and says "bartender, gimme a whiskey". He has his drink and says "bartender, are there any women around here yet?" The bartender says "no, but we still got old Joe in the back". The prospector says "bartender, I don't go for that shit!" He heads to the door, then stops. He thinks to himself "it has been a long, long time".

He turns and says "hey bartender, if I do do it with old Joe, who's going to know?" The bartender says "well, you, me, old Joe of course, and the other two guys". The prospector says "what other two guys?" The bartender says "the two guys holding Old Joe down, he doesn't go for that shit either".

What did the octopus say when he found out his wife had 10 tentacles?

You've got to be squidding me! (I spent a whole day making that up for my wife)

What are the funniest spent jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Spent? Well, here are the best Spent puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Spent pick up lines to share with friends.

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