The Best 83 Spent Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Spent jokes. There are some spent months jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these spent years puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Spent Jokes and Puns
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver
Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it...
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife...
Thank you for everything, Mom.
Happy Mothers' Day!
Wrong Email
A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
Tender touching
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -- something she loved to do.
"That feels so nice" he said. Then turned and asked her, "You seem to love doing that, but why?"
Because, she replied, "I miss mine."
Spent an hour by my wife's grave
God bless her soul, she thinks I'm digging a koi pond.
I spent the past 2 years looking for my girlfriend's killer
But no one will do it
A man goes to his Rabbi
"Rabbi, I think my wife is trying to poison me!"
"Very interesting," says the Rabbi. "Let me go and talk to her and see what I can find out."
A few hours later the Rabbi calls the man up.
"I've spent several hours speaking with your wife," he says.
"What should I do?" the man asked.
"Take the poison."
I spent the afternoon making a belt out of herbs;
What a waist of thyme.
Why are gay men so great at fashion?
They've spent so much time in the closet.
I've spent today analysing some statistics about how drunk people walk.
They're just staggering.
The difference between a crow and a raven.
A biologist was asked to finally determine whether crows and ravens are really two different birds. This has been a matter of some conjecture for quite some time. Given only a cursory glance, these birds appear to be one and the same. The biologist spent considerable time watching the birds in their habitat and logging hours of observations. Their beaks were the same, their feet and their bodies showed no variable difference. But, at last, a breakthrough. The long feathers at the tip of a birds wings, the pinion feathers, provided the conclusion that ravens and crows differ. A raven has four pinion feathers and a crow has five pinion feathers. So........................... The difference between ravens and crows is a matter of a pinion.
You can explore spent insanely reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean spent devote dad jokes. There are also spent puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Why are Gay Men better dressers?
They spent more time in the closet!....
I was on the train this afternoon...
when I sat across from a very attractive babe from Thailand.
I spent the next 10 minutes thinking to myself, "don't get an erection, please don't get an erection". But she did.
I spent the last two years trying to find my ex girlfriend's killer.
No one will do it.
MY WIFE IS A LIAR!
'That wife of mine is a liar.' said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.
'How do you know?' the friend asked.
'She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley.'
'So?' the friend replied.
'So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!
Pavlov's birds
An MIT student spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football team, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field. The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.
Two women in a shared cell were in the prison for 15yrs. When they were freed...
...they spent another 2hrs talking outside.
I spent all of last night trying to remember the Roman numerals for 51, 6, and 500 and couldn't....
...I'm so LIVID right now.
Spent over an hour at the wife's grave this morning.
Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.
I spent a year writing a romance novel where two blood cells meet and fall in love. It never got published.
It was all in vein.
How do you know the Japanese mass murderer was a chef?
He spent his day cutting up vegetables
FRESH HARAMBE OF BELL AIR....
In west Cincinnati I was born and raised on the zoo grounds is where I spent most of my days,Chillin out hangin out acting all cool, eating bananas out by the pool When a mom and her kid, they were up to no good, crawled over the fence into my neighborhood,I got in one little fight and my zoo keeper got scared, heard a gunshot just before I stopped breathing air.......
A farmer spent over $12 million to see the effects of marijuana on cows...
The steaks had never been higher.
A woman wakes up to her husband crying in bed today
"What's wrong, dear?" she asks.
"Do you remember 20 years ago, when your father caught us having sex in the back of his police car?"
"I remember," she says.
"And when he told me to marry you right then, or he'd make sure I spent the next 20 years in jail?"
"Of course I remember," she says. "But why are you crying?"
"I would have gotten out today."
Yesterday, I got so depressed..
..I spent entire day listening to Celine Dion records.
.
.
Or that's what I thought until I realised my cat had fallen in to the dryer.
I've spent the last four years looking for my ex-wife's killer...
...but no one will do it.
Now I'm not saying I'm a good businessman
But I spent $534 million less than Hillary Clinton to not become President.
Cheer up Hilary!
At least you won't have to work at the same desk that Monica spent so much time under.
I spent too much money on video games this month.
All of my savings have gone up in Steam.
My ex-girlfriend says she has a stalker. I have to say I'm surprised.
In all the time I've spent hanging around her house, hiding in the bushes, watching her come and go...I've never seen any signs of a stalker.
If my grandmother knew how much money i spent on her funeral
She'd be spinning in her ditch
I stopped smoking weed the day after I spent 30minutes looking for my phone under the bed...
....while using my phone's flashlight
I spent four years at college and didn't learn anything...
It's really my own fault. I had a double major in psychology and reverse psychology.
Trump receives a message
Last week Trump received a coded message, reportedly from Chinese Hackers.
It read: 370HSSV-0773H
Trump was stumped and asked Pence what the message could mean. Pence was totally stumped too, so they passed it to the top American programmers, who spent 2 days trying to decipher it. Knackered, the programmers sent it to the FBI.
The Director of the FBI suggested Trump should turn the message upside down.
The bro code
Jill didn't come home one night. When she got home the next morning, she said she'd slept over at a girl friend's house.
Jack called ten of her best friends, but none of them said she had been there.
A week later, Jack doesn't come home. The next day, he says he spent the night at a buddy's house after getting too drunk.
Jill called his ten best friends. 8 said he'd been there the night before, while 2 said he was still there.
Why do gay people know so much about fashion?...
They have spent so much time in the closet.
Ive just spent 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off.
I really shouldn't have put it on in the first place.
I just spent £500 on a fortune teller, and all she told me was that she had a vision of me masturbating.
I think she saw me coming.
I spent all day working on a bunch of puns about limousine drivers.
But I still have nothing to chauffeur it.
I spent all day bobbing up and down in the water
It's been my dream ever since I was a little buoy.
I farted in a room full of hipsters.
They spent two hours arguing who heard it first.
I spent months inventing a wingless plane
sadly the idea never took off.
I spent my whole life being proud of my British heritage until I found out that my Great Grandfather was actually from Transylvania
Now I can't even look myself in the mirror.
I read the other day that Penn State has spent $237 million defending the university during the Sandusky lawsuit. Think of how many peoples' education that would pay for.
At least 4 or 5.
Did you hear about the guy who spent six months making a belt out of watches?
He said it was a waist of time.
(as told to me last night by my 10 year old).
I spent all morning gluing watches together to make a belt...
It was a complete waist of time.
I spent a few hours by my wife's grave today.
She thinks I'm digging a pond.
I just spent over a half hour trying to get my girlfriend's bra off...
Man I'll never try wearing that again
I've spent a month lifting and I still haven't gotten stronger
I guess it's not working out
I spent half an hour trying to take off my girlfriends bra. I gave up in the end.
I wish I never tried it on in the first place.
Took my kids to the dinosaur museum today.
Spent the whole day looking up at the giant sculptures , I discovered a new species.
Myneckisaur.
This is my first dad joke post :)
I remember when I was a little boy, an old man suddenly stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.
So I've spent all my life working on a time machine, and now that I've built it, I'm going back in time to when he was a little boy, and I'm going to punch him and see how he likes it!
Experts say Donald Trump been setting an outstanding example during the Covid-19 outbreak
28 consecutive press briefings spent washing his hands
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife
Happy Mother's Day!
I want to know if this brazillian joke makes sense in other cultures
A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.
A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he told his wife he had slept at his friend's house. Not believing him, the wife called 10 of his best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had spent the night there and the other 2 said he was still there.
Three bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.
The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened...
"Well, the first body is a Frenchman, who had a heart attack while making love to his mistress, hence the smile." says the coroner.
Second body's a Scotsman, 25, won the lottery and spent all his money on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
"Ah!" says the coroner. "This is the most unusual one. Sean, the Irishman, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is *he* smiling then?"
"He thought he was having his picture taken."
*My grandfather told me this one as a kid so I hope you enjoyed!*
An old joke I once heard from a friend, never fails to crack me up
A homeless man finds a shiny lamp by the road while trying to find a place to pass the night.
Picking it up, the man was just about to shove it in his bag when a genie appeared out of it.
"I can grant you one wish." Said the genie.
Not wanting to waste the wish, the man spent much time to think of the best wish.
"I want an apartment, make it a big one and make sure it's in downtown." The man said.
The genie shook his head.
"I can't fulfill that wish."
The man was disappointed. "I thought you were supposed to be able to do anything!"
The genie simply said: "Do you think I would be living in this lamp if I could afford a place of my own?"
Change for a $15 bill
An incompentent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money. At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his time making $15 bills.
He figures that the only way he's going to get anything from this batch of money, is to find a place where the people aren't too bright and change his phoney money for real cash.
He travels to a small town and walks into a small Mom and Pop grocery store. He goes to the old man behind the counter and asks him, "Do you have change for a $15 bill?"
The old man replies, "I sure do...How would you like that? An eight and a seven or two sixes and a three?"
Santa Claus will be allowed to go out and deliver presents without speading Covid-19
He has spent the last year in the North Pole in Ice-olation
My Girlfriends Bra
I spent half an hour trying to take off my girlfriend's bra. I finally just gave up. Now, I am really wishing I wouldn't have tried it on.
To the game stop hedge fund investors: I know you spent 70 billion.
But the best I can offer you is $4 in credit.
The difference between a man and a woman's friends.
A wife did not come home one night and the next day the husband was furious. She swore she spent the night at a girlfriend's house.
The husband called 10 of his wife's closest friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.
To get her back he did not come home the next night. The next day his wife met him at the door furious at him. He swore he spent the night at his buddy's house.
She called 10 of his closest friends. 8 of them confirmed that he spent the night at their house, two of them swore that he was still there sound asleep.
Wife said the grandkids were coming over for the first time..I spent five hours child-proofing the house.
They still got in.
Why are LGBT people so fashionable?
Because they spent a lot of time in the closet
I've spent so long trying to think of a synonym for 'ambitious' that I've given myself a headache.
Aspiring?
No thanks, I'll just get some fresh air, that'll clear it up.
I was about to give money to a homeless man when I realized that I only had a $50 bill.
I took it out and asked myself, Do I want this money to be spent on drugs?
I decided I did, so I put the money back in my wallet and kept walking.
No joke, Dubai spent billions on a bunch of man-made islands and they are now sinking.
I guess all the money in the world can't help erect-isle dysfunction
Grandpa Mike died this weekend.
He led a simple life, loved by family and friends while enjoying a long career as a crop duster. In accordance with his final wishes, his cremated remains will be mixed with water and sprayed over the seashore where he spent his final days. He will be mist.
Just got my vaccine, but they stuck the needle in my leg.
I spent the following day thinking my Pfizer killing me
Took my kids to the dinosaur museum today. Spent the whole day looking up at the giant sculptures , I discovered a new species.
Myneckisaur.
I spent all my cash renting a limo and it didn't come with a driver.
Wasted all that money and nothing to chauffeur it.
I spent half an hour trying to take off my girlfriends bra...
I spent half an hour trying to take off my girlfriend's bra. I gave up at the end. I wish I had never tried it on in the first place.
I've spent an hour and a half now trying to explain "sunk cost fallacy" to my son
He's no nearer understanding it than when we started, and it's giving me a serious headache.
But if I quit now I'll have had all this for nothing!
A prisoner spent a month digging an escape tunnel and finally came out in the playground of a preschool.
He jumped around with excitement yelling "I'm free, I'm free". A small girl looked up at him and said, "Big bloody deal, I'm four".
i have spent 2 hours trying to explain sunk cost fallacy to my son
he doesn't seem to be understanding anything i am saying and honestly, i feel like giving up.
but if i quit now, i'd have spent all this time for nothing!
The Clintons snuck out of Secret Service and spent a weekend driving around like in the good ol' days
They stop at a gas station and the owner, it turns out, is Hillary's high school boyfriend. After exchanging pleasantries they drive away and Bill says "See, if you'd married him, you'd be married to a gas station owner".
Hillary responds "No, Bill, if I'd married him, he'd become the President of the United States".
The best years of my life was spent in the arms of another mans wife.
Thanks for everything, mum.
I spent all night searching for the sun
..and then it dawned on me
I spent the day designing a belt with clocks attached to it
People told me it was a waist of time
Had the wierdest day first I found a hat full of change just sitting on the pavement...
...then I spent the rest of the morning being chased by an angry one-man-band.
I don't like to talk about my years spent working as a cinema usher.
I was in a dark place at the time.
My Machamp just spent the whole day lifting weights.
You should see his forearms.
Someone once told me that I would not get far in life since I spent all of my time listening to Phil Collins.
Take a look at me now!
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the spent dollars jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working spent uni piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.