spends Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious spends puns

My priest is surprisingly homophobic...

...for a man who spends his nights on his knees, begging for another man to come for a second time.

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A man is in bed with his Thai girlfriend.

A man is in bed with his Thai girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.
Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, 'Why do you love doing that?'
She replies: 'Because I really miss mine'

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A thief stole my wife's credit card

But I let him keep it because he spends less money than she does.

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I added Paul Walker on Xbox,

but he spends all his time on the dashboard.

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Tom: I know a man who has been married for twenty-five years and he spends every evening at home.

Dick: That's what i call love.

Tom: The doctor called it paralysis.

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A baby is born

And to the surprise of everybody, after a few minutes, he starts talking.
"I was born to live 3 days" he says
"my mother will die in 6 days and my father in 14 days"
After 3 days the baby dies. After 6 days it is the mother to pass away. The father becomes histerical. He knows he is next. He sells all his possessions, spends all his money.
14 days later his neighbour dies.

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A man is in bed with his Thai girlfriend. [NSFW]

After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his goods, something she had lovingly done on many occasions. Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, 'Why do you love doing that?' She replies: 'Because I really miss mine'

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They say the average high school prom goer now spends $1000 on prom

Or $2000 if you count the abortion.

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Black sheep

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child.

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John's wife is always complaining that their sex life is really boring...

...since John only knows the missionary position.So,after all that nagging,John decides to do some internet research on the subject.He spends hours watching porn on line,getting ready to blow his wife's mind.The next time they go to bed,he says to the wife:"I know that our sex life has been quite boring,so I want to try something new this time".The wife is still skeptical,but decides to give it a shot.So John starts as always with the missionary position but suddenly he just freezes,not a single move,not even breathing.After 10 seconds like that he continues like nothing happened!The wife is all freaked out,of course."WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?" she yells at him."Well,it's something that I picked up from the internet.It's a huge thing I guess,all the porn stars do it.It's called buffering"!..

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The Albino and the Black Sheep

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science. One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child.

The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Ok, ok, you no tell anyone, I no tell anyone."

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A prisoner spends years digging a tunnel out of jail ...

He comes up inside a preschool yard. He starts jumping up and down and screaming "I'm free!! I'm free!!"

A little kid tugs on his pants. The prisoner looks down and the kid says nonchalantly: "So what? I'm four."

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The elementary class was learning about addition...

The teacher asks little Johnny, "If I give you two cats, and Jimmy gives you two more, and Sally gives you two more, how many cats would you have?"

Johnny thinks about it for a few seconds and says, "Seven."

The teacher says, "No, let's try again. Listen carefully. I give you two, Jimmy gives you two more, and then Sally gives you two more."

Johnny spends a few minutes thinking it out, and again says, "Seven."

The teacher says, "Let's try it another way. If I put two apples on your desk, then two more, and then two more, how many apples would you have?"

Johnny says, "Six."

The teacher says, "Good, now if I give you two cats, and Jimmy gives you two more, and then Sally gives you two more, how many cats would you have?"

Johnny again says, "Seven."

The teacher, obviously frustrated, yells at Johnny, "Why do you keep saying seven?!"

Johnny says, "Because... I've already got a cat!"

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A man approaching his fiftieth birthday
decides to have a facelift.

He spends $5,000 on the operation and is very happy with the results. On his way home from surgery, he stops at a kiosk and buys some cigarettes.
Before leaving, he says to the vendor, I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?

About thirty-five, is the reply.

I'm actually forty-nine, the man replies smugly, feeling really good about himself.

After that he goes into a Starbucks for a coffee and asks the young girl behind the counter the same question, to which the reply is, Oh you look about twenty-nine.

I am actually forty-nine. By now he's feeling fantastic.

While standing at the bus stop, he asks a really old woman the same question. She replies, I am ninety years old and my eyesight
is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes, I will be able to tell your exact age.

As there is no one around, the man lets her slip her hand down his pants. The old lady rummages around for ten minutes and says: Okay, it's done. You are forty-nine.

The man is stunned. That was brilliant! How did you do that?

The old lady replies, I was standing behind you in Starbucks.

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Every night, before bed, a little girl prays...

The first night she prays: Goodnight Mommy. Goodnight Daddy. Goodnight Grandma. Goodbye Grandpa
The next day the grandfather dies

The second night she prays: Goodnight Mommy. Goodnight Daddy. Goodbye Grandma
The next day the grandmother dies.

The next night she prays: Goodnight Mommy. Goodbye Daddy
The father hears this and goes into an immediate panic. He spends the following day with extra precautions, worried that it could happen at any moment, but nothing happens.

Upon arriving home, the father tells his wife about his day and she replied: You thought you had a bad day?!? The milkman dropped dead on our front porch this morning!

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"I'll take the red one."

A woman enters an adult toy store. She wanders around a bit, looking at lingerie and videos and magazines. She spends a long time at the section selling dildos, carefully examining packages and peering into display cases.

Finally, she approaches the sales counter. The clerk asks her, "Have you made a selection?"

"Yes, I'll take the red one over there."

"Ma'am, that's the fire extinguisher."

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democracy EL5

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom spends the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of you, the people and your baby brother, the future.

So the little boy goes off to bed and later hears his baby brother crying, He gets up to check on him and finds that he severely soiled his diaper. So the boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked,

He peeps in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words ."What you think politics is all about."

The little boy, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.

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A blonde wants to prove to people that she's not just a dumb blonde.

So she asks her friend, "How could I show people I'm smart?"

Her friend says, "Well- you could start by learning all the provinces and their capitals."

The blonde spends the whole week learning them. It's hard, but she knows it will be worth it when people see how smart she is.

The next week she's at a party and a man asks a question. Full of confidence, the blonde says, "I know the answer!"

The man is sceptical, but she says, "I'll have you know I'm not just a dumb blonde, I know all the provinces and their capitals."

He says, "Okay, what's the capital of Saskatchewan?"

She grins and says, "Easy. S!"

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The Princess Bride is bull

When Wesley spends five years building up an immunity to iocane powder, it's romantic and we should idolize him.

But when I do it with rum, I'm an "alcoholic who needs to pay his goddamn child support."

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A Texan Visits Israel

A Texan visits Israel for vacation and spends several weeks travelling around to see the different sites. One day, while making his way through the countryside to a destination, he realizes he is quite thirsty and stops at a small farm to request a drink. The owner of the farm is quite friendly and provides the Texan with a drink of water. Israel is not a particularly large country and has a fairly large population, so the individual farmsteads are rather small. Noticing this, and feeling friendly, the Texan talks a bit.

'Back in a Texas, I'm a farmer too, although it's a bit different there. If I climb in my truck early in the morning and drive until noon across my property, I'm not even halfway across. If I keep driving until the sun sets, I'll have only reached the other end of my property, and I'll have to camp out and drive back the next day'

The Israeli farmer nods before responding

'I once had a truck like that'

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Guess my age?

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29".
"I am actually 47" This makes him feel really good.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it`s done. You are 47."
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

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An American decides to get rich quick...

By suing bus companies. So, he goes to a bus station, and when the bus arrives he sticks his leg out so it gets runs over. He spends 6 weeks in hospital and is given $10,000 in reparations. When he gets out, he goes to a different state and does the same thing, but this time with the other leg. This time he spends 8 weeks in hospital and gets $20,000 in reparations. When he gets out, he decides that people in the US will get suspicious if he keeps getting run over, so he travels to England. There he goes to the first bus stop he can find, sticks his leg out, and dies of pneumonia.

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Little Johnny spends the day watching a house being built...

"Why Johnny, where were you all afternoon?" his mother asks.

"I've been watching them work on the new house getting built down the street. I'm learning all about being a carpenter!"

"Oh really?" she asks, amused. "What kind of wood are they building it out of?"

"Why, they're using no-good goddamn low-budget bullshit wood, mom!"

"Johnny! Watch your language! Why I'll bet you haven't been watching the construction site at all, have you?!"

"Sure I have! They've been putting in piece-of-shit doors all afternoon, and just before I left they put in another sonuvabitch window!"

Aghast, Johnny's mother stands up straight and tells him, "Johnny! You go out there this instant and *cut me a switch*!"

Johnny looks thoughtful for a moment and replies, "Nah, fuck it, mom. That's a job for the electrician."

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Now that you put it that way...

A christian missionary spends a year in a remote African village spreading the gospel. In that time the tribal chiefs daughter gets pregnant, and eventually has a baby that turns out to be white.

Outraged the chief confronts the missionary. Being the only white person his daughter had ever met, he accuses him of being the father and betraying his trust.

Calmly the missionary walks with the chief to the edge of the village where some sheep are grazing.

"Chief, there is always an explanation for everything. For example, you have over one hundred white sheep out there, but in the midst of them all is a single black lamb, and nobody even questions why. Now look at your situation and try to find understanding in your heart for this strange set of circumstances we now find ourselves in."

After silently watching the flock of sheep for a few moments the chief replies to the missionary.

"Tell you what. You keep quiet about that little black lamb out there and I won't say anything about the baby."

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A Tour of Hell

A man dies and is condemned to hell. When he first gets there, the devil gives him a tour around. He tells the man that he'll show him three rooms, and the man gets to pick which on he spends eternity in. In the first room they come to, everyone is standing waist deep in crap. In the second one, everyone is standing neck deep in crap. But in the third room, everyone is standing in crap up to their knees and drinking coffee. The man immediately says "I choose this room!" The devil ushers him in and says, "Alright everybody, coffee break's over, back on your heads!"

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An Irishman is sick of people thinking he's stupid.

Because in England the Irish are stupid, Scottish tight fisted and the French smell. So he goes to have elocution lessons. Spends six weeks intensively saying 'how now brown cow' and 'Hark I hear the canons roar. Is it the king approaching.' And he cracks it.

The day after he finishes his course he goes into a shop and asks in his best tones.
"I say old man could you give me a copy of The Times and a pack of cigars please."
The shopkeeper leans over the counter and says "You're Irish aren't you ?"
The man is stunned and says "How the feck did you know that?"
"This is a butchers" the shopkeeper replies.

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Hillary Clinton is elected president, . . .

and on the first night she spends in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of George Washington. She asks him, "George, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of George Washington responds, "Never tell a lie."

She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."

The next night, she is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. She asks him, "Thomas, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of Thomas Jefferson responds, "Listen to the people."

She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."

On the third night, she is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. She asks him, "Abraham, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of Abraham Lincoln responds, "Go see a play."

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A Wife spends the night at a "friend's" house

The next morning, her husband wants to be sure she isn't cheating, so he calls 10 of her friends to ask if she slept there, none of them confirm. A week later, the husband spends the night at a "friend's" house, his wife calls 10 of his friends, 7 of them confirm he slept there and 3 say he's still there sleeping.

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A man has 3 women before him that want to be his wife,

So he gives each of them $5,000, and tells them to do whatever they want with it. "What you choose to do shall determine which one of you I marry" he says.

The first woman takes all of her $5,000 and spends it all on clothing, jewelry, lavish spa treatments and the like.

The second woman gives all $5,000 back to her male suitor and says "I don't need money as long as I have you."

The third woman takes her share, invests it in a lucrative series of stock portfolios, and hands him $5,000 in interest in two weeks' time.














In the end, after careful consideration, he married the one with the biggest tits.

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A man signs up for an experimental weight loss program......

......and he is told that they expect him to five pounds on the first day, ten pounds on the second day, and twenty pounds on the third day.

Naturally, the man agrees. He is brought to a room with a bed and a beautiful woman wearing nothing but a t shirt that says "If you catch me, you can fuck me." He spends the rest of the day chasing her and loses five pounds.

He returns the second day and is brought to the same room. In there is an even more beautiful woman wearing a t shirt that says, "Catch me, and you can fuck me" printed on it. He chases her, catches her, and loses ten pounds.

He is brought to the same room on the third day but, instead of a beautiful woman, there is a huge, angry gorilla wearing a t shirt that says, "If I catch you, I'm gonna fuck you."

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A joke my father told me.

I haven't seen it here yet so I hope its fresh;

A new inmate spends his first night in prison and after things quiet down for the night, he hears someone from one of the upper floors call out. "THIRTY SEVEN!" he shouts. An uproar of laughter fills the prison.

The new inmate is somewhat confused. After the laughter dies down another man calls out "FORTY THREE!". The prison fills with even more laughter then before. This continues for a few minutes till the inmate asks his cellmate what is going on.

"Oh that, yeah everyone here loves jokes, but the we only know so many. After a while we just assigned all the jokes numbers so we don't have to repeat the whole thing every time."


Satisfied with this response the the new inmate goes to bed.

The next night at about the same time it starts up again. "TWENTY NINE!" is shouted and followed by laughter. After a few more the new inmate decides that he wants to try. He remembers that forty three got a pretty good response last night, so after getting the courage he waits for the laughter of the last joke to die down. He inhales deeply and shouts "FORTY THREE!".

Silence.

He is shocked and a little upset. He turns to his cellmate "Why didn't they laugh?" he asks in disappointed confusion. To which his cellmate replied

"Its not just the joke, its how you tell it."

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First Day On The Job

Steve just got a job at the beverage factory and is getting a tour from the manager on his first day. The manager spends this time explaining the different assembly lines.

"Over here," the manager says, "is the lemonade assembly line. we take the product, package it up and prepare it to ship. To the right we're canning juice concentrates. On this side we have the soda line, bottles and cans and such."

"Wow, you guys produce a lot of drinks," says Steve.

"You bet, name a drink and we probably have an assembly line for it."

"Do you have a punch line?"

"Nope."

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I'm friends with Princess Diana on Xbox Live...

She spends most of her time on the dashboard.

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A woman goes into a sex shop looking to buy a dildo.

The sales clerk behind the counter points to the wall behind him and says, "All the dildos are on display here, please let me know if there is something you're interested in."
The woman spends a few minutes looking and finally asks to see one. "Sir, I think I like that big red one!"
"Maam, all of the dildos are left of the fire extinguisher."

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A wife gains some weight...

and this has affected the sexual desire of her husband which made him avoid sleeping with her as much as possible.

One day the wife decides that she wants things back to normal and insists her husband have sex with her. After 2 hours the husband has no other choice and agrees to have sex. The couple goes to the bedroom and the husband spends a couple of minutes mounting her, and after 2 more minutes:

Husband: honey, can we turn off the lights?
Wife: why dear? Are you still shy after 15 years of marriage?
Husband: no dear... But the lightbulb is burning my ass!

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What are the most funny Spends jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Spends? Well, here are the best Spends dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Spends pick up lines to share with friends.

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