Spending Money Jokes
120 spending money jokes and hilarious spending money puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about spending money that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Spending Money Short Jokes
Short spending money jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The spending money humour may include short saving money jokes also.
- My friend just hired a limo for £1000 but it didn't come with a driver Imagine spending all that money with nothing to chauffeur it
- How do you milk a sheep? Sell headphone for $549.
- I was thinking about spending $100 to watch the boxing match tonight... But why would I spend money to see Mayweather when I can just look outside?
- The last thing my grandfather told me was It's worth spending money on good speakers. That was some sound advice.
- Those hedge funds should have known they'd lose money by shorting GME. As for us Gamestop customers, we fully expect to sell something for $20 and have to spend $500 when we want to buy it back.
- After installing a personal budget control app, I saw how much money I spend on beer every month. This opened my eyes. Clearly, I shouldn't do this anymore. I deleted the app.
- If I had a penny for every time my wife and I argued about money She'd spend it on a handbag
- There are two reasons I never give money to the homeless. 1 - they are just doing to spend it on drugs and alcohol 2 - I need that money for drugs and alcohol
- My wife's credit card was stolen a week ago. So far they are spending less money than she normally does so I'm not going say anything.
- I don't give money to the homeless. They are just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol. Also, I need it for drugs and alcohol.
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Spending Money One Liners
Which spending money one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with spending money? I can suggest the ones about finding money and making money.
- I have enough money to last the rest of my life... So long as I don't spend any of it.
- What does a successful CS:GO bettor spend the money on? Vacation.
- Why do stoners spend so much money? because they're high rollers
- What do you call it when Caityln Jenner spends a lot of money? Transaction
- How do Catholics spend money online? Papal.
- My girlfriend is really tight. She saves lots of money but spends it on nothing.
- Why won't a black man go see a 3d movie? He'd rather spend his money on a forty
- Why couldn't the snowman spend his money? Cause his assets were frozen.
- Fathers Day is just like Mothers Day, only you don't spend as much.
- Q: Why do beavers spend a fortune on the Internet?
A: They never want to log off. - Where do Thai people spend their money? In the bahtroom.
- Why does Cuba not have any casinos? They Havana no money to spend.
- What does Batman spend his money on? Batmo-bills!
Sorry...I'll see myself out... - My Grandfather gave me some sound advice once Spend money on good speakers, he said.
- I never spend all my money on drugs... I always keep a dollar bill to snort them.
Spending Money Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about spending money you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean lending money jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make spending money pranks.
A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.
St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homeswhere they will spend all of eternity.
They get into St. Peter’s holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy!
And if there is anything you need, just let me know.
Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack.
St Peter says “Here you go” and goes to leave when the forester says “Waitaminute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?”
St. Peter says: “Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before.”
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two russian guys are walking down the street and they find a $100.
So one says, "Ok, lets buy bread for $1 and the rest we spend on v**...?."
The other says, "I don't get it, why do we need so much bread?."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How to Impress a Woman:
compliment her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
listen to her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her.
How to Impress a Man:
show up n**...,
bring beer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Lalu brought a simple, spendthrift wife from a small town in Bihar.
He convinced her that they should go for Honeymoon.
The wife would not understand complex term as honeymoon and kept asking for explanation.
Lalu said, "Let me feel you my manhood in Honeymoon and you would know."
They went.
Had lots of fun and came back.
Wife back at home asked, "I still don’t understand what is this honeymoon that we went for."
The Husband said, "Oh, we were together, had so many hugs, kisses, varieties of s**..., jokes, fun all that is honeymoon."
The spendthrift wife got angry, "You should have told me that before. Back in town, Malu, Kalu, Suru and I were together all the times, and had this fun without spending a dime of my money."
A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.
The thief was spending less then his wife.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Nothing says' I love my dog' quite like spending more money on his haircut than you do your own.
My wife set a limit on how much we can spend on each other for Christmas.
It's $100 on me and $500 on her.
2 reasons I don't give money to homeless people:
1.
They would spend it on alcohol.
2. I want to spend it on alcohol.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do Republicans spend so much money on bathroom fixtures? They really love the Grand Old p**...!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a cop pulls over a guy for wearing his seatbelt..
tells the citizen that his captain gave him a 100 dollar bill to give to the 100th person he sees wearing their seat belt. The citizen looks a little confused, but of course, accepts the note, and proceeds to leave. The officer asks, " So, if you don't mind my asking, what are you going to spend the money on?" To a reply of, " yes, i do mind your asking, and frankly, i don't think its any of your business." The officer of course is stunned, but , as he goes to leave, the drivers objects. "If you must know, i'll probably spend it on getting my drivers license." The cop is taken aback, as the passenger says, " Oh don't listen to him, he's drunk." Shortly thereafter, a knocking comes from the trunk, and a muffled voice says, " are we over the border yet?"
edited for grammar n**....
Young man goes off to university
A young man goes off to university in a town several hours drive from where his parents live. Two months later, he write to his folks. The letter reads, "Dear Mom and Dad, I'm having a great time! I've enclosed a picture, as you can see I've grown a nice goatee! Don't I look like a Count?"
The father says to his wife, "Well that's upsetting. We spend all this money sending him to school, and he can't even spell."
A particularly dirty shabby looking woman asks for couple of dollars
A woman was walking down the street when she was
accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking
homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The woman took out her wallet, extracted ten dollars
and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy
some wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless
woman replied.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying
food?" the woman asked.
"No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman
said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay
alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of
food?" the woman asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't
had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," said the woman, I'm not going to give you the
money. Instead, I'm going t o take you out for dinner
with my husband and myself
tonight.
The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your husband
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty,
and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for
him to see what a woman looks like after she has given
up shopping, hair appointments and wine.
Fact
I'd like to leave you ladies and gentlemen with this frightening fact: I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but if you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the Third World for one year. I'm not sure about you people, but I think we're being overcharged on groceries.
Ferrari
Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each
month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20
years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have
been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for
compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No
Man:
Where's your Ferrari?
Worried that his son was spending too much money on...
...dates, a father asked the boy how much his last date had cost.
The son thought for a minute and then replied, "Oh, about $15 I think."
"Well," said the father, "I'm proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening."
"To be honest Dad," the son went on, "we'd have spent more, but that was all the money she had."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife is always asking for money
Two old Jewish guys are discussing their wives and how they spend so much.
"My wife is always asking for money." says o**.... "Yesterday she asked for $100. The days before $75. The days before that $150. It never ends."
"What does she do with all that money?" asked his friend.
"I don't know." said the first guy.I never give her any."
My friends yell at me for giving money to homeless people...
"You know he's just going to spend it on alcohol and cigarettes, right?" Oh, and I wasn't?
Cigarretes
Some guy is smoking in an airport.
"How many cigarettes do you smoke daily, sir?"
"Why?"
"Did you know that if you collected all the money you spend on cigarettes and medications you could buy that plane?
"Well, do you smoke cigarettes?"
"No, sir"
"Do you own a plane?"
"Uhm. No..."
"Well, thanks for the advice. By the way that plane's mine."
A couple of unemployed tough guys see a pair of crocodile shoes in a store window.
The one turns to the other and says, "Look at that price tag! I tell you there's money to be made there!"
So they spend the next 4 weeks in Florida hunting crocs. They kill several, eventually running out of bullets and resorting to a knife at first, then their bare hands.
The first one turns to the other and says, "I'll tell you what, if this next croc we see doesn't have shoes on I quit."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are there no female necrophiliacs?
Because dead guys can't spend money.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The f**...
One day a man dies and in his will, he leaves $300,000 to his stock broker, financial adviser and his lawyer, each one receiving $100,000. In the will he also states that he wants all 3 of them to to leave half of the money they received ($50,000) in his coffin after the f**....
The day of the f**... comes and each man approaches the coffin to do what was asked of them and once they're all done, they meet up at the bar.
After a few drinks, the stock broker speaks up "I gotta be honest with you guys. I only left $10,000 in the coffin. But I mean, it's not like he'll be able to spend it, right?"
To which the financial adviser admits "Hey, don't feel bad. I only left $5,000 in the coffin. I mean, is he really expecting us to throw away that much money?"
At which point the lawyer speaks up and says in a disapproving tone "I can't believe you guys would be so greedy! I'll have you know I left a check for the full $50,000 in his coffin like he asked!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I agree even in marriage, s**... without wife's consent is r**..., But by same logic isn't spending husband's money by the wife without his consent...Robbery? Why do our films find it funny? How can people joke about it?
Chinese officials are trying to decide whether to spend money on a school or a prison.
Finally one of them says: - What are the odds that some of us will go back to high school?
A woman is like a pool...
You spend lots of money getting one, but you don't spend much time inside one .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Christmas these days is a lot like having s**...
the build up is great but when it finally comes, I regret spending all that money.
My prison cell-mate just asked me if I was tight.
Why does he care about how I spend my money?
I was thinking about donating some money to my local hospital...
But then I realized they'd probably just spend it on drugs.
What do Maroon 5 and Jack Reacher have in common?
They both spend all their money on payphones.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I finally found out why guys get married
because wives are cheaper than spending all you're money on w**....
Two moms were talking about their kids in college.
Mom 1: I'm worried about my son. He asks me for money everyday. Who knows what he is spending?
Mom 2: Thats nothing. I'm more worried about my daughter, who never asked me for any money at all.
My girlfriend spends all her money on expensive perfumes..
I feel like she has no common scents.
I won $100 on a radio competition this morning.
The DJ called me and said, We are going live in a few seconds, I'm going to ask you what you're going to spend your money on and I want you to tell the listeners on air.
Okay I replied.
He said, 3…2….1….. Congratulations to Lefty, our competition winner, what are you going to spend the money on?
I said, I'm going to spend it on air.
Did you ever wonder why those people spend lots of money on Evian water?
Spell it backwards and your questions are answered
A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament
Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?
Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.
Interviewer: and what about the rest?
Poker player: Well... I guess they'll have to wait..
What't the difference between a man and a woman ?
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Some guys tried selling me a f**... plot.
I told him that would be the last thing I'd ever spend my money on.
A soldier in my National Guard platoon...
...... became concerned when the Army insisted that he sign up for direct deposit.
"It's not going to work for me," he said, panicked.
"Why not?" I asked.
"Because I use my Guard pay for spending money."
"So?"
"For the past ten years, I've been telling my wife that I serve for free!"
So I jumped onto the money spending train...
... it's so easy once you accept that time is money!
I want my boyfriend to treat me like a textbook
spend a lot of money on me and then never touch me after
A baby is born
And to the surprise of everybody, after a few minutes, he starts talking.
"I was born to live 3 days" he says
"my mother will die in 6 days and my father in 14 days"
After 3 days the baby dies. After 6 days it is the mother to pass away. The father becomes histerical. He knows he is next. He sells all his possessions, spends all his money.
14 days later his neighbour dies.
Why buy an iPhone X?
If you feel the need to spend that kind of money on something that will be obsolete in 3 years, buy an engagement ring
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My mom always spends all her money at m**......
I guess you could say she's a maximum...
We all love to spend lots of money buying new clothes....
.....but we never realise that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes....!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The reason why Saudi Arabia has so much money is not because of oil, .
but, because they wouldn't let their women spend it
Why shouldn't you spend all of your money on an invisible limousine?
Because then you won't have anything to chauffeur it.
It costs 6 cents to make a nickel....
I guess you really have to spend money to make money
My dad always taught me to share my toys with my siblings.
It wasn't that he wanted me to develop social skills, it's because he was a cheapskate that wanted to spend 50% less money on toys.
With all the money I made with Bitcoin I know exactly what I'm going to spend it on...
...my internet bill.
I don't know why they spend so much money on Superbowl ads,
I still don't feel like buying any cars, eating any chips, drinking Budweiser or eating tide pods.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Interview
**Interviewer**: What do you do to save money?
**Me**: Sir, I wake up at 12 so that I don't need to spend money on breakfast.
**Interviewer**: You're hired.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Baby, if you were a car, you'd be a Maserati…
Because you're high maintenance, spend all my money to supposedly make me look good, but really everyone couldn't care less, and you're not that great.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was going to go the s**... club but I decided not to.
If I wanted to spend money and be s**... frustrated, I would just take my wife out on a date.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A charity called me today and asked if I wanted to donate money to children born addicted to crack.
I said, "Sure, but I think we all know what they are going to spend the money on."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How are women like swimming pools?
They both cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time of money you spend inside.
Don't waste your money on drinking, spend money to travel the world...
..and drink while travelling
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do a rapper and a gardener have in common?
They both spend a lot of money on h**....
A man with terminal cancer robbed a bank and was sent to prison.
A fellow inmate asked him, "Why did you commit this crime? You can't take money with you into the afterlife, and now you're going to spend your last days in prison!"
The man replied, "I knew I was going to get caught. That's the point! My doctor gave me six months, but the judge gave me thirty years."
My dad always said, "Never give up on something you love."
Well, he loved spending money, and now we're homeless...
What is the one thing Jose Mourinho and Donald Trump will always agree on?
Spending lots of money on their defence.
My wife said she wants to shopping on Black Friday.
I told her if she spends too much money it will be a black eye day.
I usually spend holidays at the brothel
I don't have any family in town, so I might as well make some money.
Handy money-saving tip: Avoid spending money on expensive binoculars...
...by simply standing closer to the objects you wish to observe.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife and I spend so much money on arthritis medication and w**... that we made a whole new bank account just for those two things!
It's a joint account