JokoJokes

Spend Jokes

140 spend jokes and hilarious spend puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about spend that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Quick Jump To

Funniest Spend Short Jokes

Short spend jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The spend humour may include short spent jokes also.

  1. Give a Man a Fish and You Will Feed Him for a Day. Teach a man to fish and he will spend a fortune on gear he will only use twice a year.
  2. Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will
    use twice a year
  3. Devil: This is the lake of lava you will be spending eternity in Me: Actually, since we're underground, it would be magma
    Devil: You understand this is why you're here, right?
  4. My priest is surprisingly homophobic... ...for a man who spends his nights on his knees, begging for another man to come for a second time.
  5. So I put a giant map of the world up on the wall and gave my wife a dart. I told her wherever it lands is where we go on holiday. I guess we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
  6. Why are gay men so well dressed? They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
  7. My friend just hired a limo for £1000 but it didn't come with a driver Imagine spending all that money with nothing to chauffeur it
  8. A Russian boy asks his dad for 1000 rubles to buy some candy from the store His dad replies 1000 rubles? 1600 rubles is way too much to spend on candy. How much candy can 2300 rubles even buy?
  9. Everytime I buy a new house, I always spend $1,000 on the door. That way, I always make a grand entrance.
  10. Anyone know where a guy can find someone to hang out with, maybe have a few beers with, talk to, and kinda just enjoy spending time with? Asking for a friend.

Share These Spend Jokes With Friends




Spend One Liners

Which spend one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with spend? I can suggest the ones about expenses and spare.

  1. Why can't pirates learn the alphabet? Because they spend years at C.
  2. I added Paul Walker on Xbox, but he spends all his time on the dashboard.
  3. If you spend your day in a well... Can you say that your day was well-spent?
  4. How does Yoda spend his time. He mostly just sits on his log, watching the Dagobah.
  5. Pirates may be good at math, but they struggle with the alphabet. They spend years at c!
  6. On a scale from one to ten is a bad way to spend nine hours.
  7. I have enough money to last the rest of my life... So long as I don't spend any of it.
  8. How does Kylo Ren spend Father's Day? Solo.
  9. Why do gay people dress so well? Because they spend most of their lives in the closet.
  10. How much did the pirate spend on his earings? A buck an ear.
  11. I hate spending time with my girlfriends family . . . Her husband's getting suspicious.
  12. why does it take so long for a pirate to learn the alphabet? the could spend years at sea
  13. My imaginary friend is spending the night. So I made up a bed for him.
  14. A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine. I said about 30 minutes
  15. Small town gynecologists... I bet they spend a lot of time looking up old friends.

Spend joke, Small town gynecologists...

Hilarious Spend Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends

What funny jokes about spend you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean budget jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make spend pranks.

A Greek, an Irishman and a portuguese spend the evening drinking in a bar. Who picks up the tab?

The German.

I don't know why women spend so much money on sunglasses...

Wouldn't it be cheaper to just tint the kitchen windows!

The homeless man and the farmer

A homeless man comes up to a farmers house and knocks on the door, when the farmer answers, the homeless man asks "May i spend the night?" to which the farmer replies, "Sure, but you're going to have to sleep in the stable." So the homeless man agrees and sleeps in the stable with all the animals.
In the morning the farmer comes in and asks "How did you sleep?" and the homeless man says "I slept good. And I talked to your animals too." the farmer says, "Really?"
"Yes, I talked to the chickens," he responded, "and they said that you come in every morning at 4am to collect the eggs."
"Wow," the farmer says, "That's right!"
"I also talked to the cows," the homeless man continued, "And they told me every morning at 5am, you milk them"
"That's amazing!" the farmer responds.
"I also talked to the sheep, and they said-"
"THOSE SHEEP ARE LIARS!!!!"

The Argument

A woman has had a huge argument with her husband and is on the phone having a long chat with her friend when she sees her husband returning home with a huge bouquet of flowers.
"Oh no," says the woman. "My husband's home and he's brought a huge bunch of flowers for me."
Her friend is a little surprised. "But that's so sweet of him!"
"Ugh," says the woman. "It means I have to spend all night on my back with my legs in the air."
The friend pauses for a moment. "Don't you have a vase?"

Cultural Diversity--True Story

When I was six I learned about Hanukkah in school. My teacher told me, "Christians celebrate Christmas, and Jews celebrate Hanukkah."
That night I was waiting in line at Hometown Buffet with my family and asked Mom why the restaurant would be closed for Christmas.
"It's so that the people who work here can spend Christmas with their families." She said.
In a loud, excited voice I piped up, "BUT COULDN'T THEY GET SOME JEWS TO WORK HERE?"
We never went back.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 on those little bottles of Evian water?

Try spelling Evian backwards.

Every year we spend more on coffee than we do on educating our children

how do we sleep at night?

Can't take that chance

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker
told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man
thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and
you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take
that chance."

Ducks

Three women die in an accident and go to Heaven. There Saint Peter says, 'We only have one rule - don't step on the ducks!' They enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks everywhere. In fact, it's almost impossible not to step on a duck, and the first woman accidently steps on one straight away. Saint Peter comes along with the ugliest man the woman has ever seen and chains them together saying, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!' The next day, the second woman steps on a duck and she too is chained to an incredibly ugly man. The third woman is very, very careful with the ducks and manages to avoid stepping on any of them. One day Saint Peter comes along and chains her to an incredibly handsome man. The woman is delighted but wonders why she's been blessed. She gets on her knees and prays aloud, 'Oh Lord, what have I done to deserve this bounty?' The man says, 'I don't know about you, lady, but I trod on a duck.'

Scottish man at the ranch

A scottish man is visiting a texas oilman. They spend hours touring the ranch; it's an enormous property. Eventually the oilman brags, "I can jump in my car and drive until sun down. I'd never hit the edge of my claim!". The scotsman replies, "Aye, I had a car like that once too".

Why are gay guys so fashionable?

Because they don't spend all that time in the closet for nothing!

Pirate jokes I've heard throughout my life

What did the pirate say when the steering wheel was shoved down his pants?
ARGHHHHH your driven me nuts!
Why was the pirate dissatisfied with his blind date?
She had a sunken chest and no b**....
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
They can spend years stuck at sea!
And of course: Why couldn't the teenagers watch the pirate movie?
BECAUSE IT WAS RATED ARRRRRRRRRRR!!!

Fact

I'd like to leave you ladies and gentlemen with this frightening fact: I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but if you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the Third World for one year. I'm not sure about you people, but I think we're being overcharged on groceries.

Ferrari

Woman:
Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each
month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20
years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have
been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for
compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where's your Ferrari?

The best thing about Adrian Peterson's suspension...

...he gets to spend more time with the kids.

Roses are red...

Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't spend Valentine's,
With Oscar Pistorious
^^I'll ^^see ^^myself ^^out

Adam and Eve

When God made Adam he noticed that Adam was sad and asked what was wrong.
Adam - I'm lonely.
God - That's no good! How about I make you a companion? One that is gorgeous, give you mind blowing s**..., will cook and clean, and doesn't mind it when you spend time with the guys or watch football?
Adam - That sounds awesome! What will it cost me?
God - An arm and a leg!
Adam - What can I get for a rib?

A gambler hits the jackpot

*What are we going to spend 10 million dollars on?* - asks his wife.
"31 black"

The Pirate and the alphabet

Why does it take a pirate so long to finish saying the alphabet?
Because they spend years at sea.

There was a man who loved puns.

There once was a man who loved puns. They were his favorite kind of humor, and he would often spend time trying to come up with new ones. One morning he was feeling particularly inspired and thought up ten brand new puns. And so he went about his day with the intention of using his new puns to get a laugh from his friends, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Good Sound

An mp3 file was relaxing on his couch at home, when his wife comes up to him.
Wife: "Honey, could you explain this charge for $600?"
Mp3: "Oh, thats for a new set of headphones."
Wife: "For $600??? How could you spend that much?"
Mp3: "But the sound quality is really good!"
Wife: "SO YOU SPENT $600 FOR GOOD SOUND??"
Mp3 shrugs his shoulders. "What can I say? I'm an audiophile"

A Day in the Library

A guy is looking for a place to sit in the crowded library.
He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied in a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?
The guy then responded in a loud voice:
"$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ... . . THAT'S ROBBERY!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy then whispered in her ear: "I study law: I know how to screw people."

A feminist told me I really need to take a Women's Studies class.

I told her "There is no way I'm going to spend a semester studying a broad."

Girls are a lot like universities...

I spend hours looking at them, only to realise I can't get into any of them.

I was thinking about spending $100 to watch the boxing match tonight...

But why would I spend money to see Mayweather when I can just look outside?

Psychology vs Law

A guy was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.
He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied in a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy,
He was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table,
and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking.
I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"
The GUY then responded in a loud voice:
"Rs.5000/- FOR ONE NIGHT!! ISN'T THAT TOO MUCH?"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered to her:
"I study law and I know how to screw people."

A man and his ever-nagging wife are on vacation in Jerusalem

While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "you can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the holy land, for $150.
The man thought about it, and finally decided he would have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home when you can have her burried here for so much less?"
The man replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was burried here, and three days later, he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?

The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started looking at the guy; he was pretty embarrassed. After a while the girl walked quietly over to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology, I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right? The guy then responded with a loud voice: $1000 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH! All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered "I guess you felt bad for what you did earlier, right? I study law; I know how to make someone feel guilty.

4 college students are having a great time on spring break.

So they decide to spend an extra week away from class. One of the students calls his professor, and says "prof, we are stuck in Daytona beach. We won't be able to make it back in time for exams because the tire on our car blew. We need to get it fixed before we head back".
The prof says "no problem. Your safety comes first. Do what you need to, and when you get back the four of you can write the exam at that point".
So the students live it up for another week. Drinking. Partying. Etcetera.
When they get back to school a week later, the prof welcomes them, sits them each in different rooms, and hands them the exam.
When they turn the page over to start writing, they find their exams have only one question: "which tire?"

If you had to choose between your local wnba team winning the finals and receiving $5.....

What would you spend your $5 on?

I just added Princess Diana to my xbox friends list.

I don't think she has any games though, all she does is spend all day on the dashboard...

My girlfriend asked if I would spend a month away from her for 5000 dollars.

It's tempting, but I don't think I can afford it.

The more time you spend with your lover, the more you become like them.

That explains why I'm so childish.

Women are like a swimming pool...

considering the money you spent on it and the time you spend in it

Playing Scrabble is like talking to women...

You spend the whole time looking at the rack trying to form words.

Why would I donate £2 to save a kid's life?

I'd rather spend that £2 on a c**... to prevent a kid's life.

Gods Vacation

The gods were planning on where to spend their next vacations; Shiva suggested: "what about Neptune?", then Ala said: "It's too cold!"; Zeus then suggested: "Let's go to Mars!", then Buddha replied "Nah, we went there last time!". So someone spoke "What about Earth?", for God to reply: "no way, Earth people like to gossip too much. I went there 2000 years ago, had a thing with a v**... and they're still talking about it!"

A man goes up to heaven and is being shown around.

A man goes up to heaven and is being shown around. He is surprised to be living with his wife and an ex from college. An angel explains "In heaven, you spend your time with the people you had s**... with the most times".
The man thinks this could cause trouble and asks if there is any way to appeal the decision. The angel tells him he could speak to one of the priests. The man asks where to find a priest. The angel replies "They are easy to find, just look for a crowd of choir boys".

I think i'm spending too much time around my gf's family.

I mean, her husband's going to notice sooner or later.

In Heaven, the angels asked God where he would spend his next vacation.

Definitely not earth, God said. Last time I went there, I got a girl pregnant and they still haven't stopped taking about it.

I won $100 on a radio competition this morning.

The DJ called me and said, We are going live in a few seconds, I'm going to ask you what you're going to spend your money on and I want you to tell the listeners on air.
Okay I replied.
He said, 3…2….1….. Congratulations to Lefty, our competition winner, what are you going to spend the money on?
I said, I'm going to spend it on air.

A job interview is like a first date.

You dress up, pretend to be someone else and spend the time wondering if you're going to get s**....

How is a punchline like a starving African child?

If you spend too much time explaining why it's funny, it dies.

I spend my spare time reading the Thesaurus...

because the mind is a terrible thing to garbage.

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ.

Here's how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament

Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?
Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.
Interviewer: and what about the rest?
Poker player: Well... I guess they'll have to wait..

If minecraft taught me one thing...

It's to never spend diamonds on a h**....

Some guys tried selling me a f**... plot.

I told him that would be the last thing I'd ever spend my money on.

"Jack, you spend too much time on your walkie talkie, this relationship is over!"

"This relationship is what? Over."

Women are like road maps.

I spend a lot of time looking at them, but they always end up making me confused.

My grandma taught me to be like Jesus and spend every day helping the powerless.

So I became an electrician.

A beggar asks a man for 5 bucks.

Man: "What do you need 5 bucks for?". Beggar: "I need it to buy drugs". Man: "Oh yeah? And how do i know you won't spend it on food?"

The reason why Saudi Arabia has so much money is not because of oil, .

but, because they wouldn't let their women spend it

What's the worst thing about internet communists?

They spend all day trying to seize the memes of production.

After spending 20 minutes trying to take my girlfriend's bra off, I've decided to give up

I wish I'd never put it on now

I like to do drugs in a Chipotle bathroom

Because no one questions you if you spend 45 minutes in a Chipotle bathroom.

A man wanted to prove to his wife that he loved her more than s**......

so he bought her a lovely bouquet of roses. Despite his good intentions the devoted husband received a suspicious look when he handed her the flowers. I suppose now you expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs spread , said the wife. Why? asked the husband, Don't we have a vase?

Because of all the studying, I spend an unhealthy amount of time sitting.

I think I am understanding.

Two guys are walking in the rain

A speeding car splashes them with water before disappearing.
o**... says to the other, You know if this was Paris, they would stop, take you to their house, take your wet clothes, offer you drinks, and let you spend the night.
No way! says the other guy.
Yes way, says the first guy. It happened to my wife.

My next job, I want to be the security guard at the philosophy building of a university...

I will spend my days asking philosophy students Who are you, and why are you here?

If I had a penny for every time my wife and I argued about money

She'd spend it on a handbag

I know the feeling...

An auto mechanic in the hospital was chatting nervously with his surgeon while being prepped for an operation. "Sometimes I wish I'd gone into your line of work," he told the doctor. "Everything you doctors do is so cut and dried and tidy. With me, I spend half a day taking an engine apart and putting it back together, and it seems like I always have a couple of parts left over."
"Yes," said the surgeon. "I know the feeling."

My dad once told me that I would spend my life flipping burgers

Jokes on him. I'm on register now.

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

Four high school kids who carpooled together decided to skip school and spend the day fishing.

The next day they told the teacher that they had had a flat tire, and couldn't make it to class.
Much to their relief, she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a pop quiz yesterday, so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper." Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down.
Once they were seated and ready, she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?" 

After installing a personal budget control app, I saw how much money I spend on beer every month. This opened my eyes. Clearly, I shouldn't do this anymore.

I deleted the app.

My overweight uncle spend months making a belt out of used pocket watches.

When he finished it, he realized it was a huge waist of time.

My wife and I spend so much money on arthritis medication and w**... that we made a whole new bank account just for those two things!

It's a joint account

I saw a guy at the flower store. He was trying to pick the perfect bouquet for his wife. He said It's crazy how much money you gotta spend on something that's just going to die.

I said I know... And you gotta buy them flowers...

Spend joke, I saw a guy at the flower store. He was trying to pick the perfect bouquet for his wife. He said  It

jokes about spend