Speeds Jokes

Following is our collection of bumper puns and turbo one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Speeds jokes for adults, dirty car jokes and clean velocity dad gags for kids.

The Best Speeds Puns

A priest and a pastor...

... are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, 'The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!'

They hold up the sign to cars passing by.

"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yells the first driver as he speeds by.

From around the curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash.

"Do you think," says the priest to the pastor, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

A priest and a pastor are standing on the side of the road

They are holding a sign that reads "The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!"

A passing driver yells, "You guys are nuts!" and speeds past them.

From around the corner they can hear screeching tires- then a big splash.

The priest turns to the pastor and says, "Do you think we should just put a sign up that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

During the crusades a man entrusts his friend with the key to his daughter's chastity belt when he is away...

The man entrusted with the key replies with 'Ah yes sir you can count on me'

The father rides onwards and 30 minutes on into his journey his friend speeds to his company on horseback, and shouts at him 'Sir! You left the wrong key!'

B'dum tsss

A collection of jokes I have found over the years about drummers.

**NOTE:** Before you get offended, I AM A DRUMMER. I FIND THESE FUNNY TOO.

1. What do you call a drummer in a suit? The defendant
2. How can you tell a drummer's at the door? The knocking speeds up
3. What do you call a drummer with half a brain? Gifted
4. What does a drummer use for contraception? His personality
5. Did you hear about the drummer who finished high school? Me neither
6. What did the drummer say to the band leader? "Do you want me to play too fast or too slow?"
7. How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five: One to screw it in, four to say that Neil Peart could've done it better
8. Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car? So that they can use the handicapped parking space
9. How do you get a drummer off your porch? Give him the money for the pizza
10. What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians? A drummer

Anyone got any more?

A couple of guys at the start of a bridge with signs

The sign reads **"THE END IS NEAR. TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE."**

A car speeds through yelling at them *"F*** off you religious nuts!"*

The two guys turn around just in time to see the car disappear into the water.

*"Ya think we should just have our signs say BRIDGE CLOSED instead?"*


What do you call a Corvette following a Camaro at high speeds?

Chevy Chase.

A Japanese businessman hails a taxi...

As they go along the highway, a car zooms past by.

"Oooh," exclaims the businessman, "that's a Toyota. Made in Japan, very fast!"

Moments later, another car speeds ahead.

"Ahhhhh," exclaims the businessman again, "a Nissan! Made in Japan too, also very fast!"

Then once more, another car rushes ahead.

"Oooooh," exclaims the businessman, "a Mitsubishi! Made in Japan and very fast again!"

Then they reach their destination.

"Why bill so big?!" complained the Japanese.
"Meter's made in Japan," replied the driver. "Very fast!"

I can't wait for the next Quantum Physicist triathlon.

I'm going to stand beside the bikes and yell out their speeds. They'll get so lost they'll end back at the starting line.

How do you tell the difference between a drunk driver and a stoned driver?

A drunk driver speeds through a red light like there's nothing there, and a stoned driver waits for the stop sign to turn green.

Usain Bolt can reach speeds up to 30 miles per hour. So in certain suburban neighborhoods, he might get arrested.

For being black.

A Trooper tries to pull over this guy...

When he just speeds up and a chase ensues, when the trooper finally manages to pull him over, he asks him "didn't you see me trying to pull you over? Why did you take off?" To which the guy responds "sir, a while back my wife ran off with a trooper & I was afraid you're bringing her back"....


Why are people so worried about Hurricane Matthew's wind speeds?

I thought CAT4 was capped at 16Mbps.

The big race

It was the day of the big race. Usain Bolt was going to run against a cheetah, the world's fastest animal, capable of reaching speeds of up to 70 mph!

People knew Usain didn't stand a chance, but watched anyway. At last, they were off, and in a matter of seconds the race was over - amazingly, Usain Bolt came out victorious!!!

Because...cheetah's never win.

Trooper tries to pull over a man who speeds away.....

After getting the man to pull over, he tells him that since it's the end of his shift that he'll let him go if he has a good explanation for why he kept speeding up instead of pulling over.

The driver says: "Don't you recognize me? My wife ran away with you 2 years ago and I thought you were trying to give her back"

Researchers recently unveiled a device will launch stinging insects at high speeds.

It has beegun.

Cat Race

So, England and France have a friendly contest to see which country is superior. They do this by having a cat race, in which the French cat, 'Un Duex Trois, and English cat 'One Two Three' will race across the channel.

The race starts and One Two Three cat speeds across the water, easily winning.

Unfortunately, Un Deux Trois cat sank.

A man hails a cab...

...and gets inside. The driver starts, and decides to mess with the man a little bit. "I'm actually a spy you know" he says to his passenger. "Really?" The passenger says. "Yeah, you see the man on that bike? I need to take him down" He speeds up a bit and right when he's about to hit the bike messenger, he slows, just missing him. The driver then hears a thud, when the passenger says, "You missed him, but I got him with the door!"

So a policeman is in pursuit of a drunk driver...

...and this drunk is barreling at high speeds, nearly destroying everything in it's path. Finally the car hits a telephone pole and the car stops. The policeman jumps out of his car, runs up to the trashed car and pulls out the driver screaming, "YOU'RE DRUNK!"

The driver responds "Thank God. I thought my brakes and steering went out!"

Comcast's newest commercial really gave me a laugh.

They boasted their fast internet speeds, lower prices, and amazing customer service. Not to mention how they boasted supporting net neutrality.

Are there two companies named Comcast?


My coworker claimed his computer was slow, so I put an unplugged computer tower next to him. He reported blazing speeds the next day

Sounds like the PC-bo effect to me . . .

If a velociraptor is running..

and he speeds up, does he become an acceleraptor?

ELI5: Why are download speeds so much faster than upload speeds?

Is it because of gravity?

What do you call a black guy who jumps into an empty police car and speeds away?

A police officer.

The following text might contain spoilers

Making it more aerodynamic, and thus more maneuverable at high speeds.

A pacient is diagnosed with cancer

Patient: Doctor am I dying?

Doctor: we are all dying in different speeds.

Patient: But doctor, what about my case?

Doctor: well...in your case you're Usain Bolt

Swordfish & mako shark specials tonight...

Swordfish & mako shark specials tonight. Lady asked which would be faster. I said the swordfish can reach speeds up to 60mph, shark 42mph...

So a cop pulls a woman over and asks for her name...

The woman says, "My name is Frita Gogh." The cop says, "You're Frita Gogh..." The woman then speeds away before the cop can say anything else.

What is white and streaks across the sky at blinding speeds?

The coming of the lord

A flock of crows flew beak-first into window at horrifying speeds.

Experts suggest it was a murder suicide.

Great archers are also great artists.

Both require quick draw speeds.

I got two speeds at work

Slow and reverse.

Why can't you download anything while inside an armoured vehicle?

Because your internet speeds tank!

Comcast has announced they are giving all customers a free month of service and increasing internet speeds permanently.

There is an abundance of accelerate jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 33 funniest jokes and speeds puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any radar witze you can hear about speeds.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes