The Best 35 Speeding Tickets Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Speeding Tickets jokes. There are some speeding tickets jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these speeding tickets puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Speeding Tickets Jokes and Puns

Blonde gets caught speeding.

The cop is also a blonde.

Cop: Let me see your driver's license.

Driver: What's that?

Cop: A square thing with your picture on it.

Blonde fumbles through her purse, finds a mirror, sees herself in it, and hands it to the cop.

Cop looks at it, hands it back and says,

I'm gonna let you go without a ticket. I didn't know you were a cop.

(

So the pope coes to New York...

and flags a taxi. The taxi is extremely suprised to see the pope, and quickly ushers him into his cab. After a few minutes of silence, the pope says to the taxi driver "You know, being the pope, I've always have people drive me places, and I rarely get the chance to drive myself. Would you mind if I got behind the wheel for a little while?" Not wanting to say no to the pope, the taxi driver lets him drive. They get pulled over by the police soon after, since the pope was driving way over the speed limit. The officee walks up to the cab, is about to give them ticket, until he sees the pope. Not sure of what to do in this sitution, he calls his superior. "Sir, I just pulled over this guy for speeding, and he's *really* important. What do I do?" "Well who is the guy, the mayor?" "Nah, bigger than that" " Is he a movie star?" " No, way bigger than that" "Is he the president?" "No, he's bigger than that" "Well then who is he!?" "I dunno, but he's got the pope driving for him!"

"What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket, Officer?"

"Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."

A man finds a penguin walking down the street

He grabs the penguin and puts it in his car and starts to speed away when a cop pulls him over.

The cop walks up to the car and asks the man what he's doing with the penguin.

"He was just walking down the road," the man said.

"Well, take him to the zoo and I won't give you a ticket for speeding." The man agrees and drives away.

A week later the cop sees the same man drive by and he still has the penguin in the car. He pulls over the car again and says to the man, "I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo!?"

"Yes," the man says, " I did. Today we're going to the movies."

A young woman was pulled over for speeding

A young woman was pulled over for speeding.

The State Trooper walked to her car window and opened his ticket book.

The woman said, "I bet you're going to try to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers' Ball."

The trooper told her, "Ma'am, State Troopers don't have balls."

There was a moment of silence... The trooper tipped his hat, and returned to his car.


A circus performer is pulled over for speeding.

As the officer is writing the ticket, he notices several machetes in the back seat of the car.

What are those for? he asks suspiciously.

I'm a juggler, the driver replies. I use those in my act.

Well, show me, the officer demands.

So the juggler gets out and starts juggling: one, two, three, four, and finally seven machetes at one time. He does overhand, underhand, and behind the back.

Another car passes by. The driver does a double take and says: My God, if that's the test they're giving now, I've got to give up drinking!

The city of Chicago is no longer giving speeding tickets...

Instead, to deter speeders, the are giving away Bears tickets.

I had a speeding ticket dismissed by a judge who knew his physics

The cop wrote down my location, so I told the judge if he knew where I was, he couldn't possibly measure my velocity.

A man gets pulled over for speeding

When the officer approaches his vehicle he tells the man "sir, it's been a long day, and I'm ready to go home. If you can give me a good reason as to why you were speeding I might let you go without a ticket."

The man looks at him and says "well officer, years ago my wife left me for a state trooper, and when I saw you coming for me, I thought you were bringing her back.

Officer says "Have a nice day sir"

Stopped by the police

I spilled some gas on my sleeve while gassing up one day. Got back on the highway and lit up a smoke and started my sleeve on fire. I put my arm out the window but the flames did not go away. I sped up to 70 then 80 when I noticed the flashing lights behind me. The cop says "looks like I'm going to have to write you a couple of tickets " I said I know I was speeding but what else?"
"Possession of a firearm sir "

What am I supposed to do with this? "What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.

"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."

You can explore speeding tickets reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean speeding tickets dad jokes. There are also speeding tickets puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


I got a speeding ticket last month and took it to court

Rudy Giuliani was my lawyer and plead me down to second degree murder

I got pulled over for speeding in a Chevette.

The cop didn't want to give me a ticket; he just wanted to know how I did it.

A highway patrolman pulls over an elderly woman for speeding.

"Ma'am," he tells her, "I clocked you doing 72 MPH. The speed limit on this road is 55."

"But, Officer, the sign back there said it was 75!"

"No, Ma'am, that wasn't a speed limit sign, that was the route sign. You're on State Highway 75. I'm sorry for your confusion, but I still have to write you a ticket."

"Oh, that's okay, Sonny; I understand. I'm just glad I didn't run across you back there on Route 135."

SchrΓΆdinger is in a car...

...and gets pulled over by a cop for speeding. The cop, after writing a ticket, notices a peculiar smell and asks to check for the source. After looking under the car, glancing over at the backseat and popping the trunk, he rushes over.
Cop: "Sir! Did you know you have a dead cat in your trunk?"
SchrΓΆdinger: "I do now"

My wife is speeding and lying about it to me...

I can't find any tickets as proof but her friends tell me almost every day that she is getting nailed by 2 cops.

I got pulled over for speeding today and as the officer was handing me my ticket, I sarcastically asked, "What am I supposed to do with this!?"

He chuckled, "Just hold on to it and when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."

What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.

Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."

Speeding Ticket

A cop was waiting in a speed trap on the interstate when a guy in a sport car came racing by him at over a 100 mph. The cop immediately pulls out behind the speedster and turns on his lights. The guy pulls over and the cop walks over to the window. The cop looks at the guy smiling and says I've been waiting for someone like you all day. The guy responses well I came as fast as I could.


I keep getting tickets for speeding, but like they say...

...it's a hard habit to brake.

I was pulled over by the police on my mule.

I got a speeding ticket for hauling ass.

A young woman was pulled over for speeding

A state trooper walked to her car window, floppong open his ticket book.

The woman said: I bet you are going to try to sell me a ticket to the troopers' ball.

He replied: State troopers don't have balls.

There was a brief silence. He closed his ticket book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left.

How to one lady got out of a speeding ticket.

The Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name.

She said, "I'm Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in Tallahassee."

The cop put away his summons book and pen, and said, "Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."

I had sex with a cop last night.

She gave me a ticket for speeding.

A scientist gets pulled over.

The policeman says Sir, you ran a red light. The scientist said I could've sworn it was green. The policeman says Understandable. And gives the scientist a 111,075,071 mph speeding ticket.

Speeding Ticket

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her if he could kindly see her license.

She replied in a huff 'I wish you guys would get your act together, just yesterday you took away my license, and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

Doppler ran a red light

He gets pulled over by a cop and the cop says, did you see you just went through a red light? Doppler looked at him and said that's not fair, it was blue to me! So the cop gave him a speeding ticket instead

What did the calculus student who failed his test and the guy who got a speed ticket have in common?

They didn't know their limits

The cop got out of his car and the kid, who was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.



β€œI’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said.

The kid replied, β€œYeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Two police officers stopped a guy for speeding on the province highway in Mississauga, Ontario.



As they were writing up the ticket, one oficer turned to the other and said: "How do you spell Mississauga?"

The other one replied: "I don't know."

So the first one said: "Well what are we gong to do? If we spell it wrong, it will get dismissed."

The second oficer said: "Why don't we just let him go and stop him again when he gets to Toronto?"

What did the California Highway Patrol officer say to the hooker that was pulled over for speeding?

"Lick it, or ticket."

The cop got out of his car and the kid, who was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.



"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits 88 mph...

...you're going to get a speeding ticket.

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.



"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Euler's Number, an imaginary number, and the speed of light are all waiting in line to buy tickets to the show. In what order do they stand in line?

*i* before *e*, except after *c*.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the speeding tickets jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working speeding tickets piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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