Speeding Ticket Jokes
72 speeding ticket jokes and hilarious speeding ticket puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about speeding ticket that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Speeding Ticket Short Jokes
Short speeding ticket jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The speeding ticket humour may include short speeding fine jokes also.
- Driver : "What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?" Officer : "Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."
- I got pulled over for speeding in my Prius The cop didn't give me a ticket. He just wanted to know how I did it.
- "What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket, Officer?" "Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."
- The city of Chicago is no longer giving speeding tickets... Instead, to deter speeders, the are giving away Bears tickets.
- I had a speeding ticket dismissed by a judge who knew his physics The cop wrote down my location, so I told the judge if he knew where I was, he couldn't possibly measure my velocity.
- I got pulled over for speeding in a Chevette. The cop didn't want to give me a ticket; he just wanted to know how I did it.
- My wife is speeding and lying about it to me... I can't find any tickets as proof but her friends tell me almost every day that she is getting nailed by 2 cops.
- What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket. Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."
- Got a speeding ticket the other day. There was this sign that said "Construction 35mph ahead". I figured, I had four people in the car ...
- What did the calculus student who failed his test and the guy who got a speed ticket have in common? They didn't know their limits
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Speeding Ticket One Liners
Which speeding ticket one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with speeding ticket? I can suggest the ones about traffic ticket and caught speeding.
- I keep getting tickets for speeding, but like they say... ...it's a hard habit to brake.
- Yesterday I got a speeding ticket. That's fine.
- Why do people in Moscow get so many speeding tickets? Because they are always Russian.
- Chuck Norris once gave a cop a ticket for speeding.
- I live near the Beltline Road No wonder I always get whipped with speeding tickets!
- Why didn't the physician get a speeding ticket? He was driving backwards.
- Why did Matt get a Ticket? He's a speed Damon.
- What did the cow say to the police officer, giving a speeding ticket? Miav.
- I was pulled over by the police on my mule. I got a speeding ticket for hauling a**....
- I had s**... with a cop last night. She gave me a ticket for speeding.
Delightful Fun Speeding Ticket Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about speeding ticket you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean speeding cop jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make speeding ticket pranks.
The cop got out of his car and the kid, who was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Two police officers stopped a guy for speeding on the province highway in Mississauga, Ontario.
As they were writing up the ticket, one oficer turned to the other and said: "How do you spell Mississauga?"
The other one replied: "I don't know."
So the first one said: "Well what are we gong to do? If we spell it wrong, it will get dismissed."
The second oficer said: "Why don't we just let him go and stop him again when he gets to Toronto?"
The cop got out of his car and the kid, who was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.
“I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said.
The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
A motorist gets caught in an automated speed trap that photographs his car.
He later receives a ticket in the mail for $40 with a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sends the police department a photograph of $40.
A few days later, he gets a letter from the police department with a picture of handcuffs.
A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them.
When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said,
"I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn't have your seat belt fastened."
The man said, "I did too have my seat belt fastened. I just loosened it when you came up to the car."
The Patrol Man said to the man's wife, "I know he didn't have his seatbelt fastened. Isn't that right, lady?"
She replied,
"Well, officer. I learned a long time ago not to argue with my husband when he's drunk."
The officer and the speeding Harley
Officer stops a Harley for speeding so he asks the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and give him a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'
The officer just walks away...
how to get out of a speeding ticket
cop pulls me over and we start into the standard lines
officer: "do you know how fast you were going?"
me: "no in all honesty i don't, see my crack pipe slipped out of my hand and when i went to grab it my gun fell on the gas pedal then the h**... in my trunk wouldn't shut up so i had to start swerving trying to knock her out"
the officer looked at me really strange before asking me to step out of the vehicle, he hand cuffed me and sat me on the curb waiting for back up, and the drug sniffing dog. finally after all is said and done they search my car, find nothing then his commanding officer walks up to me
commander: "now son my officer here tells me you admitted to doing drugs, having a firearm, as well as a h**... in your trunk"
i look shocked then reply
me: "i bet he told you i was speeding to didn't he?"
So a man was driving home from work one day...
It's pretty late, so he decides to take the freeway to get there faster. He sees a 60mph speed limit sign and figures no one will ever know if he pushes it a little. 65...70...at 75 he decides he'll get home quick enough, not noticing the cop right behind him.
The cop, seeing him, puts on his lights. The man worriedly realizes "Oh no... I can't get another ticket, I just can't." He gets an idea and pulls over. The cop, shaking his head, walks up to the vehicle.
"Sir, did you know you were going 75 miles per hour in a 60 mile per hour zone?"
The man, thinking quickly, exclaims "My wife's in labor! I need to get her to the hospital stat!"
The cop looks in the vehicle and raises an eyebrow. "You're driving alone, sir."
The man looks around, panicked. "Oh my God! I forgot my wife!"
Mikhail Gorbachev wakes up late after a long night of worrying about the fate of the USSR over a bottle of v**....
He's so late, in fact, that he tells his slow-driving limo driver to get out of the car so he can drive himself to the Kremlin. He's speeding down the highway from his dacha into downtown Moscow when he blazes past a cop car on the side of the road.
The first cop says to his partner, "Man, that guy's moving. Let's drive after him and give him a ticket!"
The partner says, "I don't know, man, with a limo like that, he's probably someone really important."
The other copy says, "I don't care, you heard what the party boss said in our monthly meeting. No more special treatment for officials, and plus, the USSR needs all the money we can get if we want to defeat the capitalists."
So they speed off after the limo and pull it over. The partner gets out of the car, walks up to the limo, and quickly turns back after just a few words with the driver without issuing a ticket. When he gets back to the cop car, his partner says, "What was that? I thought we said no special breaks! Who could be so important that you didn't give them a ticket?"
"I don't know," said the other cop, "but his driver was Gorbachev!"
Pull over
Guy buys a nice new sports car, decides to go out for a drive and starts to speed up as he wants to see what his new toy can do, sure enough a cop pulls up behind him and turns his lights on, driver laughs and says no way the cop can keep up with me so he floors it and loses the cop, few minutes go by before he comes to his senses and decides to pull over and wait for the cop to show up which he finally does. Cop gets out of the car and says to the driver, I've had a really long week and don't feel like writing another ticket, if you can come up with an excuse I haven't heard before I'll let you go.
Driver pauses for a second, well officer last week my wife ran off with a cop and I thought you were trying to give her back.
Have a good day sir.
Physics Joke!
Heisenberg is speeding along down an unfamiliar highway when all of a sudden a police car appears seemingly out of nowhere and signals for him to pull over.
The officer approaches the car and asks, "Do you have any idea how fast you were just going?"
Heisenberg replies, "No, sir. Why?"
The officer says, "Well, sir, you were speeding, and I'm going to have to give you a ticket."
Heisenberg, annoyed, asks, "Is this really necessary? I'm going to be late to work!"
The officer replies, "Well, I'm sorry to have to hold you up, sir, but you were driving incredibly irresponsibly! According to my radar gun, you were going exactly 90 miles per hour, which far exceeds the speed limit."
"Thanks a lot, j**...," Heisenberg yelled, "I'll be even later now that I'm COMPLETELY LOST!"
Schrödinger is in a car...
...and gets pulled over by a cop for speeding. The cop, after writing a ticket, notices a peculiar smell and asks to check for the source. After looking under the car, glancing over at the backseat and popping the trunk, he rushes over.
Cop: "Sir! Did you know you have a dead cat in your trunk?"
Schrödinger: "I do now"
s**... in Public!!!
A young dating couple were driving down the road in a very busy area, when things started to get somewhat passionate. They decided to pull over and park and have some fun.
Things were really getting hot, and they were not paying any attention to what was going on outside. All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their window. The cop could hardly contain himself.
"Didn't you know that you are not supposed to be having s**... in public?" he asked the couple.
Being embarrassed by being caught, they said yes and apologized.
"Well, he said, I will have to write you a ticket."
So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch their behavior. After getting dressed, the girl asked her boyfriend what the policeman wrote the ticket for.
He responded, "Doing 69 in a 40 Kph speed zone!"
So the pope coes to New York...
and flags a taxi. The taxi is extremely suprised to see the pope, and quickly ushers him into his cab. After a few minutes of silence, the pope says to the taxi driver "You know, being the pope, I've always have people drive me places, and I rarely get the chance to drive myself. Would you mind if I got behind the wheel for a little while?" Not wanting to say no to the pope, the taxi driver lets him drive. They get pulled over by the police soon after, since the pope was driving way over the speed limit. The officee walks up to the cab, is about to give them ticket, until he sees the pope. Not sure of what to do in this sitution, he calls his superior. "Sir, I just pulled over this guy for speeding, and he's *really* important. What do I do?" "Well who is the guy, the mayor?" "Nah, bigger than that" " Is he a movie star?" " No, way bigger than that" "Is he the president?" "No, he's bigger than that" "Well then who is he!?" "I dunno, but he's got the pope driving for him!"
If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits 88 mph...
...you're going to get a speeding ticket.
A man finds a penguin walking down the street
He grabs the penguin and puts it in his car and starts to speed away when a cop pulls him over.
The cop walks up to the car and asks the man what he's doing with the penguin.
"He was just walking down the road," the man said.
"Well, take him to the zoo and I won't give you a ticket for speeding." The man agrees and drives away.
A week later the cop sees the same man drive by and he still has the penguin in the car. He pulls over the car again and says to the man, "I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo!?"
"Yes," the man says, " I did. Today we're going to the movies."
What did the California Highway Patrol officer say to the h**... that was pulled over for speeding?
"Lick it, or ticket."
A man is stopped for speeding on the highway
The driver, when confronted by the cop to be issued a ticket, suddenly confesses that he has h**... with him in the vehicle.
Shocked, the cop calls for backup, explaining that the man who he caught speeding admitted that he had drugs on him.
A narcotics team arrives and searches the vehicle to find nothing of interest. Confronting the driver, they ask for an explanation.
"The cop said I had h**... in my car?! Of course not!" exclaims the driver.
"I bet he told you I was speeding too"
A cop pulls over a man and his wife
A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them. When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said,
"I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn't have your seat belt fastened."
The man said, "I did too have my seat belt fastened. I just loosened it when you came up to the car."
The Patrol Man said to the man's wife, "I know he didn't have his seatbelt fastened. Isn't that right, lady?"
She replied, "Well, officer. I learned a long time ago not to argue with my husband when he's drunk."
Stopped by the police
I spilled some gas on my sleeve while gassing up one day. Got back on the highway and lit up a smoke and started my sleeve on fire. I put my arm out the window but the flames did not go away. I sped up to 70 then 80 when I noticed the flashing lights behind me. The cop says "looks like I'm going to have to write you a couple of tickets " I said I know I was speeding but what else?"
"Possession of a firearm sir "
A circus performer is pulled over for speeding.
As the officer is writing the ticket, he notices several machetes in the back seat of the car.
What are those for? he asks suspiciously.
I'm a juggler, the driver replies. I use those in my act.
Well, show me, the officer demands.
So the juggler gets out and starts juggling: one, two, three, four, and finally seven machetes at one time. He does overhand, underhand, and behind the back.
Another car passes by. The driver does a double take and says: My God, if that's the test they're giving now, I've got to give up drinking!
Blonde gets caught speeding.
The cop is also a blonde.
Cop: Let me see your driver's license.
Driver: What's that?
Cop: A square thing with your picture on it.
Blonde fumbles through her purse, finds a mirror, sees herself in it, and hands it to the cop.
Cop looks at it, hands it back and says,
I'm gonna let you go without a ticket. I didn't know you were a cop.
(
Speeding Ticket
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her if he could kindly see her license.
She replied in a huff 'I wish you guys would get your act together, just yesterday you took away my license, and then today you expect me to show it to you!'
Typical wife behavior
A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them.
When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said, "I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn't have your seat belt fastened."
The man said, "I did too have my seat belt fastened. I just loosened it when you came up to the car."
The Patrol Man said to the man's wife, "I know he didn't have his seatbelt fastened. Isn't that right, lady?" She replied, "Well, officer. I learned a long time ago not to argue with my husband when he's drunk."
I got pulled over for speeding today and as the officer was handing me my ticket, I sarcastically asked, "What am I supposed to do with this!?"
He chuckled, "Just hold on to it and when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."
A blonde gets pulled over...
By a blonde police officer.
"Sorry but you're speeding so I'll need license and registration"
The blonde in the car starts looking through her purse. "I can't find my license, what does it look like?"
"It's a small little rectangle with your face on it" the officer replies.
The blonde find a mirror and looks at it. "Found it! A little rectangle with my face!" And hands it to the officer.
Stunned the blonde officer stares at the mirror in her hand. "Why didn't you just tell me you're also an officer? Don't worry about the ticket, officers stick together."
A man gets pulled over for speeding
When the officer approaches his vehicle he tells the man "sir, it's been a long day, and I'm ready to go home. If you can give me a good reason as to why you were speeding I might let you go without a ticket."
The man looks at him and says "well officer, years ago my wife left me for a state trooper, and when I saw you coming for me, I thought you were bringing her back.
Officer says "Have a nice day sir"
Doppler ran a red light
He gets pulled over by a cop and the cop says, did you see you just went through a red light? Doppler looked at him and said that's not fair, it was blue to me! So the cop gave him a speeding ticket instead
Driving to work...
Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver asked for what.
The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."
*
This joke was email to me by a Comedy Defensive Driving class I took to take care of a speeding ticket (three years ago).
What am I supposed to do with this? "What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.
"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."
A highway patrolman pulls over an elderly woman for speeding.
"Ma'am," he tells her, "I clocked you doing 72 MPH. The speed limit on this road is 55."
"But, Officer, the sign back there said it was 75!"
"No, Ma'am, that wasn't a speed limit sign, that was the route sign. You're on State Highway 75. I'm sorry for your confusion, but I still have to write you a ticket."
"Oh, that's okay, Sonny; I understand. I'm just glad I didn't run across you back there on Route 135."
I got a speeding ticket last month and took it to court
Rudy Giuliani was my lawyer and plead me down to second degree m**...
I, for one, support my local police department
All of those speeding tickets I've paid *must* be buying them some pretty good stuff.
Now that w**... is legal in Canada, I'm getting into so many accidents and getting way more speeding tickets!
There are roadside tests now, so my wife has to drive us everywhere!
Euler's Number, an imaginary number, and the speed of light are all waiting in line to buy tickets to the show. In what order do they stand in line?
*i* before *e*, except after *c*.
Speeding Ticket
A cop was waiting in a speed trap on the interstate when a guy in a sport car came racing by him at over a 100 mph. The cop immediately pulls out behind the speedster and turns on his lights. The guy pulls over and the cop walks over to the window. The cop looks at the guy smiling and says I've been waiting for someone like you all day. The guy responses well I came as fast as I could.
Why do s**... offenders never get speeding tickets?
Because they always drive slower in school zones
A scientist gets pulled over.
The policeman says Sir, you ran a red light. The scientist said I could've sworn it was green. The policeman says Understandable. And gives the scientist a 111,075,071 mph speeding ticket.
A young woman was pulled over for speeding
A state trooper walked to her car window, floppong open his ticket book.
The woman said: I bet you are going to try to sell me a ticket to the troopers' ball.
He replied: State troopers don't have b**....
There was a brief silence. He closed his ticket book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left.
How to one lady got out of a speeding ticket.
The Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name.
She said, "I'm Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in Tallahassee."
The cop put away his summons book and pen, and said, "Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."
A young woman was pulled over for speeding
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
The State Trooper walked to her car window and opened his ticket book.
The woman said, "I bet you're going to try to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers' Ball."
The trooper told her, "Ma'am, State Troopers don't have b**...."
There was a moment of silence... The trooper tipped his hat, and returned to his car.
Uvalde citizen gets pulled over
A very cute blonde was pulled over for speeding by an Uvalde motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book, she said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the policeman's Ball."
The cop replied, "No, ma'am. You're thinking of the Border Patrol , the Uvalde Police don't have b**...."