The Best 35 Speed Light Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Speed Light jokes. There are some speed light jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these speed light puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Speed Light Jokes and Puns

If light travels faster than the speed of sound...

how come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?

No matter what they say, you matter.

Unless you get multiplied by the speed of light squared. Then you Energy

A state trooper lays in wait at a speed trap...

and spots a speeder.

He flashes his lights, pulls the car over, walks up to the driver and says, "I've been waiting for you all day."

The driver responds, "I got here as fast as I could."

B'dum tsss

A collection of jokes I have found over the years about drummers.

**NOTE:** Before you get offended, I AM A DRUMMER. I FIND THESE FUNNY TOO.

1. What do you call a drummer in a suit? The defendant
2. How can you tell a drummer's at the door? The knocking speeds up
3. What do you call a drummer with half a brain? Gifted
4. What does a drummer use for contraception? His personality
5. Did you hear about the drummer who finished high school? Me neither
6. What did the drummer say to the band leader? "Do you want me to play too fast or too slow?"
7. How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five: One to screw it in, four to say that Neil Peart could've done it better
8. Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car? So that they can use the handicapped parking space
9. How do you get a drummer off your porch? Give him the money for the pizza
10. What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians? A drummer

Anyone got any more?

A college professor is driving home drunk one Saturday night....

When he gets pulled over. The cop comes up to his window and asks him:

"Excuse me sir, you were speeding, you ran a red light and you appear to be drunk, where are you going?"

The professor replies: "I am currently on my way to a lecture concerning the dangers of drinking, smoking and staying up late."

The police officer says: "Who could possibly be giving that kind of lecture at this time?"

The professor responds: "My wife."


The Speed of Light is 3*10^8 metres per second. What then is the Speed of Darkness?

100 metres over 9.58 seconds.

The police vs the senior citizen

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mp...h, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper

Excuse for speeding

This Middle aged man was going through his mid-life crisis so he went out and bought him a new bright red BMW. So he decided to take his new BMW on a test drive down the interstate one day.

He got up to about 85 mph and all of a sudden he saw this highway patrolman with his blue lights and siren blaring coming toward him. He decided he and his new BMW would outrun the officer. So the man sped up to 95 mph,and then to 105 mph, but the patrolman was still coming.

The man finally came to his senses and said to himself, "This is crazy, I could go to jail for this," so he pulled over.

The patrolman came to the car and told the man, "It has been a long day and I am tired. If you can give me an excuse no one else has ever given me I will let you go."

So the man told the officer, "Last night my wife ran off with a patrolman and when I seen you chasing me I thought you were trying to bring her back."

The officer looked at the man and said, "Have a nice day."

So the speed of light, e, and the square root of (-1) walk into a bar...

So the speed of light, *e*, and (-1)^1/2 walk into a bar. The speed of light heads over to the bartender and gets his drink pretty quickly, as he's wont to do. Then (-1)^1/2 goes and orders his drink, and *e* just flips out on him. The square root of -1 asks *e* what's wrong, and he says, "I came in here first, and you just went in front of me!" (-1)^1/2 just says, "Hey, man, I'm just following the rules here!"
Finally, the bartender gets fed up and says, "No, no, no, you idiot, it's *i* before *e* **except** after c!

A man gets pulled over for speeding...

The office saunters up to his car and he rolls down the window.

"I've heard every excuse for speeding in the book. I bet you can't give me one I haven't heard. But if you do, I'll let you off with a warning."

The man replies.

"Well you see officer, few years back my wife went and ran off with a state trooper."
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"Well, when I saw your lights turn on I was afraid you fellas was coming to give her back!"

My physics professor fails any student turning in a report without a blue coversheet

After working on my report all night, I accidentally used a white coversheet in a sleepless stupor. When I got to class the next morning, I panicked and threw the report at him at close to the speed of light!

I got a B+

You can explore speed light reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean speed light dad jokes. There are also speed light puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Stopped by the police

I spilled some gas on my sleeve while gassing up one day. Got back on the highway and lit up a smoke and started my sleeve on fire. I put my arm out the window but the flames did not go away. I sped up to 70 then 80 when I noticed the flashing lights behind me. The cop says "looks like I'm going to have to write you a couple of tickets " I said I know I was speeding but what else?"
"Possession of a firearm sir "

How do you tell the difference between a drunk driver and a stoned driver?

A drunk driver speeds through a red light like there's nothing there, and a stoned driver waits for the stop sign to turn green.

YOU MATTER!

Unless you're travelling with the speed of light, in which case YOU ENERGY!

Einstein says that anything with mass can't go faster than the speed of light, but...

What if you aren't Christian?

I saw an electronic sign that said 'Check Your Speed' in flashing lights.

Lucky I did, it had almost fallen out of my pocket.

What did the bartender say to Einstein when he walked in the bar at the speed of light?

Why the short face.....

They say the fastest disappearing thing in the universe is the speed of light

Still 2nd place to my dad

There's a new way to measure time faster than the speed of light

It's the time from a red stop light turns green and the BMW behind you honks his horn.


Since light supposedly travels faster than the speed of sound.....

Why can I hear the BMW driver behind me honk before the light turns green?

I asked my friend, a spanish-speaking theoretical physicist, if there was an abbreviation for the speed of light.

"SΓ­", he replied.

(The joke works better out loud)

Fastest thing in the universe

Two men are arguing over what is the fastest thing in the universe.

One man says, Of course it has to be the speed of light!

The other says, Nonsense, it's human thought!

A third man interrupts, You're both wrong, its diarrhea.

Visibly confused, the two men are quick to asking Why??

The third man easily explains, Because you won't be able to think about it or turn on the light when it hits you.

A note to the guy behind me driving to work this morning.

Dear guy behind me driving to work this morning,

Don't get mad at me for driving the speed limit. It's there to keep people safe!

And don't get mad at me for not getting out of your way. You don't own the road!

And don't ever flash your lights and honk your horn at others to make them move...geez. Such a rude ambulance driver!

If the speed of light is much faster than the speed of sound

Then how come I hear the horn way before the light turns green?

If light travels faster than the speed of sound…

Why do I hear the car behind me honking before the light turns green?

Remember, no matter how down you're feeling, you matter

Unless you times your mass by the speed of light squared - then you energy

What's faster than the speed of light?

The speed of *how fast my wife jumps to conclusions*

The sons of Superman, Flash and John are chatting...

Superman's sons says, "my dad travels the fastest, he doesnt care about traffic and returns home from work in a matter of minutes."

Flash's son says, "Nah, dude, my dad travels at the speed of light, the moment he finishes work, he's home."

John's sons says, "Please, my dad's shift ends at 5, he's home watching TV at 4:30 already"

Speeding Ticket

A cop was waiting in a speed trap on the interstate when a guy in a sport car came racing by him at over a 100 mph. The cop immediately pulls out behind the speedster and turns on his lights. The guy pulls over and the cop walks over to the window. The cop looks at the guy smiling and says I've been waiting for someone like you all day. The guy responses well I came as fast as I could.

While wandering through the woods....

I came upon a rabbit who said he could jump over the moon. So I shot him. Then I happened upon a deer who said he was faster than the speed of light. So I shot him. Then a bear appeared and said he was in the Russian space program. So I shot him.

Remember, only you can prevent forest liars.

A passenger in a taxi was freaking out because the driver was going way past the speed limit and taking sharp turns, barely missing cars in traffic and almost running three red lights. "Just close your eyes" The driver said.

"Trust me it helps, that's what I do"

A retired man is driving his brand new, top end sports car down an empty road and decides to open it up...

(Sorry if this joke has been told on here before)

All of a sudden he sees flashing lights behind him. Speeds up at first, thinks better of it, slows down and pulls over.

Cop comes up to the window and says to the man "I got you for speeding, but I would like to know why you sped up before you stopped for me."

The man looks back at the cop and says "Ex-wife left me for a cop, thought you were trying to give her back."

How do space travelers stay awake on the long journeys across the galaxy?

Do some light speed.

What's fast but doesn't weigh very much?

Light speed

If nothing is faster than the speed of light

Why did I see that Asian lady turn before I saw her blinker

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the speed light jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working speed light piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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