Speed Jokes

164 speed jokes and hilarious speed puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about speed that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Do you need a laugh? Check out this hilarious collection of jokes about speed! From jokes about kilometres per hour to quips about how to accelerate, these jokes will have you in stitches with their wit and haste.

Quick Jump To

Funniest Speed Short Jokes

Short speed jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The speed humour may include short velocity jokes also.

  1. The movie Speed didn't have a director... Because if Speed had direction, it would have been called Velocity.
  2. If light travels faster than the speed of sound... how come I can hear the guy in the bmw behind me honk before the light turns green?
  3. A cop stops a miner for speeding on the highway COP: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?
    miner: mine
  4. I definitely learned my lesson about speeding today and it will never happen again. I didn't get pulled over or anything, I just showed up to work 20 minutes early.
  5. No matter what they say, you matter. Unless you get multiplied by the speed of light squared. Then you Energy
  6. Called my wife on her cell to warn her about this crazy driver on the news who's speeding down the highway in the wrong direction. She replied: I know! There's like hundreds of them!
  7. Who is going to win tonight's presidential election? The Voyager Probe, speeding away from Earth at 38,000 mph.
  8. Driver : "What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?" Officer : "Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."
  9. Fun movie fact: Did you know that the movie "Speed" featuring Keanu had no director? Because if it had direction, then the movie would be called "Velocity"
  10. I got pulled over for speeding in my Prius The cop didn't give me a ticket. He just wanted to know how I did it.

Share These Speed Jokes With Friends

Speed One Liners

Which speed one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with speed? I can suggest the ones about fast and pace.

  1. I have a fear of speed bumps But I am slowly getting over it
  2. I'm deathly afraid of speed bumps but I'm slowly getting over it.
  3. When a woman asks for some time, and some space... ... she's trying to calculate speed
  4. Why did Harry Potter get pulled over for speeding? Because he didn't expect-no-patrol-man
  5. What do you call a corvette following a Camaro at high speeds? Chevy Chase.
  6. I have a fear of speed bumps but it's ok, I'm slowly getting over them.
  7. Girl, you're like speeding in a construction zone… Double Fine
  8. I put my Grandma on speed dial.. I call that Instagram
  9. What do you call an accordionist who can play fast and furious? A speed demon.
  10. They just put speed bumps outside the local school. Well I hope it was a speed bump.
  11. How fast does the Grinch's sled go? Max speed
  12. You matter. Until you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
    Then you energy.
  13. YOU MATTER! Unless you're travelling with the speed of light, in which case YOU ENERGY!
  14. What is the speed limit of love? 68 because any faster and you eat it.
  15. What's annoying about going 90 in a school zone? The screaming speed bumps

Speed Light Jokes

Here is a list of funny speed light jokes and even better speed light puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Remember, you matter! ...unless you're multiplied by the speed of light squared, then you energy!
  • The Speed of Light is 3*10^8 metres per second. What then is the Speed of Darkness? 100 metres over 9.58 seconds.
  • You can tell the speed of light is much faster than the speed of sound. Some people appear bright until you hear them talk.
  • A photon was traveling along a highway at the speed of light. The BMW driver on its tail was furious that they couldn't pass it.
  • Einstein says that anything with mass can't go faster than the speed of light, but... What if you aren't Christian?
  • I saw an electronic sign that said 'Check Your Speed' in flashing lights. Lucky I did, it had almost fallen out of my pocket.
  • The speed of sound is much slower than the speed of light. This is why some people seem bright before you hear them talk.
  • What did the bartender say to Einstein when he walked in the bar at the speed of light? Why the short face.....
  • They say the fastest disappearing thing in the universe is the speed of light Still 2nd place to my dad
  • There's a new way to measure time faster than the speed of light It's the time from a red stop light turns green and the BMW behind you honks his horn.

Speed Limit Jokes

Here is a list of funny speed limit jokes and even better speed limit puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • They told me to drive it like I stole it So I stayed at the speed limit, followed the road rules and paid attention to my surroundings
  • You have to wonder about the people who go 10 miles below the speed limit. How did they get so far underground?
  • Wife: Slow down! you're going 20 over the speed limit! Husband: you're going just as fast as I am...
  • Old man An old man got pulled over for going over the speed limit.
    Officer : Do you know why i pulled you over?
    Old man: Obviously because I'm late delivering these donuts.
  • What's the speed limit in bed? It's 68. Once you reach 69 you gotta turn around.
  • In Germany we have the best street: The Autobahn No speed limit there.
    And we have the best club: Berghain.
    Also no speed limit there.
  • How did Helen Keller lose her right arm? She was trying to read the speed limit sign on the highway.
  • Take One signs are like the speed limit You can go about ten over before you get in trouble
  • What's the difference between the universe and a German Autobahn (highway)? The universe has a speed limit
  • The best thing about the 80 mph speed limit in Idaho? Makes it so much easier to leave
Speed joke, The best thing about the 80 mph speed limit in Idaho?

Faster Speed Jokes

Here is a list of funny faster speed jokes and even better faster speed puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Since light supposedly travels faster than the speed of sound..... Why can I hear the BMW driver behind me honk before the light turns green?
  • Whats faster than a speeding bullet? A Jew with a coupon
  • If the speed of light is much faster than the speed of sound Then how come I hear the horn way before the light turns green?
  • If light travels faster than the speed of sound… Why do I hear the car behind me honking before the light turns green?
  • What's faster than the speed of light? The speed of *how fast my wife jumps to conclusions*
  • BLACK SUPERMAN I hope they cast a black Superman. It would nice for a brother to finally be faster than a speeding bullet.

    Credits:Someones Tweet
  • I thought it would be a cool idea to have sonic in real life But apparently speed doesn't make animals faster
  • If nothing is faster than the speed of light Why did I see that Asian lady turn before I saw her blinker
  • Superman: "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, and more powerful than a locomotive" Batman: "I fight a penguin and a really persistent clown"
  • What is the speed limit of love? 68 ... any faster and you need to turn around!

Need For Speed Jokes

Here is a list of funny need for speed jokes and even better need for speed puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A Wikipedia editor is pulled over for speeding \[citation needed\]
  • A cop stops a guy for speeding Cop: Sir, I need to see your drivers license.
    Guy: what, you guys took it from me two years ago, don't tell me you lost it.
  • Speed When your SO asks for distance and time, but you don't know what speed she needs to calculate.
  • Back in the 90's, Gran used to babysit us kids. One time she saw us playing playstation and said 'You're not playing that drug game!' 'What drug game?' I asked Need for Speed
  • An F1 racer gets addicted to amphetamines. He soon felt the *need* for *speed*
  • What does a bell company in North Ireland need to have to attract customers? Speed. People want to get their belfast
  • What's the drug dealers favourite film? Need for speed.
  • My favorite racing game with cats? Need For Speed: Hot Purrsuit
  • What did the pilot, say after his 20th day of rehab? I feel the need, the need for speed
  • I think school zones should have faster speed limits. You need to drive though it as fast as possible in case there's another school shooting.
Speed joke, I think school zones should have faster speed limits.

Heartwarming Speed Jokes that Make You Laugh

What funny jokes about speed you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean distance jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make speed pranks.

So a man was driving on the highway with a speed limit of 90

.. but then he noticed that all the other drivers were way above the speed limit so our guy thought "hey everybody's speeding, i cant get caught" so he goes above 110. Ten minutes later, a cop pulls him over.
Clearly upset, our guy says "But officer, i wasn't the only one speeding.. there were a bunch of others too.. why did you catch only me?"
Cop says" Ever gone fishing?"
Guy says yes,
Cop- "ever caught all the fish??"

So the speed of light, e, and the square root of (-1) walk into a bar...

So the speed of light, *e*, and (-1)^1/2 walk into a bar. The speed of light heads over to the bartender and gets his drink pretty quickly, as he's wont to do. Then (-1)^1/2 goes and orders his drink, and *e* just flips out on him. The square root of -1 asks *e* what's wrong, and he says, "I came in here first, and you just went in front of me!" (-1)^1/2 just says, "Hey, man, I'm just following the rules here!"
Finally, the bartender gets fed up and says, "No, no, no, you idiot, it's *i* before *e* **except** after c!

What's the difference between a blind pedestrian and a speed bump?

I've never run over a speed bump at 70 mph.

A young couple is out carousing one evening...(could be repost)

While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you t**... clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up.
When the spedometer hits 100 she starts to s**.... When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help," he pleads.
She replies, "I can't, I'm n**...."
He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover yourself with that and go get help." She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road.
When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "Help! Help! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her c**... and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."

A note to the guy behind me driving to work this morning.

Dear guy behind me driving to work this morning,
Don't get mad at me for driving the speed limit. It's there to keep people safe!
And don't get mad at me for not getting out of your way. You don't own the road!
And don't ever flash your lights and honk your horn at others to make them move...geez. Such a rude ambulance driver!

A cop parks at the bottom of a bridge, waiting for a speeder. He pulls a man over for doing 40 over the speed limit, and says, "Son, I've been waiting for you all day."

The man quickly responds, "Well, I got here as fast as I could!"


An australian tourist flies to america. He is unpacking his bags in a hotel, rents a motorcycle and start driving. He goes 70MPH in a 40MPH speed limit roas, whan a cup is telling him to pull over. The police officer yells at him: "What is wrong with you, man?!?! Did you came here to die?!"
"No," the tourist said, "I came here yesterday"

I asked my friend, a spanish-speaking theoretical physicist, if there was an abbreviation for the speed of light.

"Sí", he replied.
(The joke works better out loud)

What's the speed limit to s**...?

Once you go 69 you have to stop and turn around.

A speeding driver was pulled over by a policeman.........

The driver asked, "Why was I pulled over when I wasn't the only one speeding."
The police replied, "Have you ever been fishing?"
The man then said, "yes".
"Have you ever caught all the fish?" asked the policeman.

Three drunk guys get into a taxi.

The driver knew they were drunk. He turned the engine on and quickly turned it back off. He said "We've arrived."
The 1st drunk pays the driver, the 2nd drunk thanked him, and the 3rd drunk slapped him. He thought the 3rd drunk knew what he did, but he asked anyway "What was that for?"
"CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME! You nearly killed us!"

A state trooper lays in wait at a speed trap...

and spots a speeder.
He flashes his lights, pulls the car over, walks up to the driver and says, "I've been waiting for you all day."
The driver responds, "I got here as fast as I could."

I have a really bad phobia of speed bumps...

But I'm slowly getting over it

My physics professor fails any student turning in a report without a blue coversheet

After working on my report all night, I accidentally used a white coversheet in a sleepless stupor. When I got to class the next morning, I panicked and threw the report at him at close to the speed of light!
I got a B+

What's the speed limit for s**...?

Sixty-eight. At 69 you have to turn around.

What's a j**...'s favorite videogame?

Need for Speed.

A cop sets up a speed trap on a lonely highway.

A cop sets up a speed trap on a lonely highway. After hours of waiting, he finally sees a car speeding down the highway towards him. He clocks the car at nearly double the speed limit, quickly pulls him over and walks up to the driver.
Cop: "I've been waiting for someone like you to come around all day, boy."
Driver: "Well I'm sorry officer, I got here as fast as I could!"

I took the shell off my racing snail to speed it up.

If anything it made it more sluggish.

A man finds a penguin walking down the street

He grabs the penguin and puts it in his car and starts to speed away when a cop pulls him over.
The cop walks up to the car and asks the man what he's doing with the penguin.
"He was just walking down the road," the man said.
"Well, take him to the zoo and I won't give you a ticket for speeding." The man agrees and drives away.
A week later the cop sees the same man drive by and he still has the penguin in the car. He pulls over the car again and says to the man, "I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo!?"
"Yes," the man says, " I did. Today we're going to the movies."

A cop pulls a driver over for speeding

The driver says, "C'mon, everyone on the road was breaking the speed limit."
The cop nods and says, "Tell me, have you ever been fishing?"
"Yeah... What's that got to do with it?"
"Did you catch *all* the fish?"

What's the speed limit of s**...?

68, because if you go 69 you'll flip over and eat it.

A man and a woman rotate to the same table in a game of speed dating.

"Hi!" says the woman cheerfully, "Just so you know, I'm deaf, but I can read lips. Just talk as you normally do and I'll let you know if I didn't catch something. So, what do you do for a living?"
"I'm a ventriloquist," says the man.
"What?" says the woman.

Three Drunks Get into a Taxi

Three drunks get into a taxi and tell the driver where to go. The driver has an idea of the address so he starts the engine, waits a few seconds and turns off the car. He says, "Alright guys we're here!"
The first drunk tips him £10 and gets out.
The second drunk tips him £20 and gets out.
The third drunk then slaps the driver across the face.
Worried that the drunk had realized the car hadn't moved an inch, he asks the drunk, "What was that for?"
The drunk says, "Control your speed next time. You almost killed us!"

I s**... identify as a measurement of speed

Cuz I'm a loner and wanna km/s

I just started practicing some speed reading techniques. Last night I read "War and peace" in about 10 seconds.

I know it's only 3 words but it's a start!

I was amazed

As I get older, I never stop learning new things every day. I'm a new dad and the other day I was changing my baby when all of a sudden my kid rolls off of the changing table. As if animal instincts kicked into me in that split moment, or super powers of sorts, I swoop down with lightning speed and catch him INCHES off of the ground! Still to this day I'm amazed; I had no idea babies could bounce that high off of marbled flooring.

The perfect shot.

A golfer stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity to his partner. He looks up, looks down, measures the distance and figures the wind direction and speed. The longer he takes, the more his partner fidgets. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man," the partner says. "You'll never hit her from here."

Out of all the enemy leaders during World War II, who could run with the most speed?

Mussolini, because he was the fascist

I was once driving down the road..

..where I read a sign which said,
Speed limit 30km
I slowed down to 30km/h
A little further, another one
Speed limit 20km
I had to slow down even more,
Moving on, I saw another one
Speed limit 10km
My speedometer had come down to 10km/h
Not long after that, there was another
Speed limit 1km
I pulled over and started pushing my car to a point where I finally saw the last sign,
Welcome to Speed Limit

A cop pulls a car over for going 20 mph on the highway

The driver is a little old lady, and there are two old ladies in the back seat.
The cop asks, "Why were you driving just 20 miles per hour?"
The old lady responds, "I was just going the posted speed limit!" and points to a sign up ahead.
The cop smiles and says, "That's not the speed limit sign, that's the sign for this highway — Route 20!"
One of the old ladies in the back gasps out, "We tried to tell you, Eugenia!"
The cop takes another look at the old women in the back and sees that they are wide-eyed and disheveled. One of them is tightly gripping the door handle.
"What's the matter?" the cop asks.
She responds, "We just came off of Interstate 190.

I began speed reading, and just last night I read The Da Vinci Code in fifteen minutes.

I know it's only 4 words, but it's a start.

I was stopped by a policeman and he asked me why I was speeding.

"Care to explain why you were going double the speed limit?" he asked.
I said, "I'm sorry, but my wife's about to give birth, I must hurry."
"Oh," he hesitated, "are you going to pick her up?"
"No, I'm going to the airport."

A guy wanted to speed up his snail - so he took it's shell off.

if anything, he made it more sluggish.

I used to have a a racing snail that kept losing.

I decided to remove its shell to try and speed it up, if anything it made it more sluggish.

Two guys were in a running competition

The first one said Hey! You dropped something!
The other one, stopped and looked around confused. What did I drop?!
Your speed! He replied as he ran into first place.

Fastest thing in the universe

Two men are arguing over what is the fastest thing in the universe.
One man says, Of course it has to be the speed of light!
The other says, Nonsense, it's human thought!
A third man interrupts, You're both wrong, its diarrhea.
Visibly confused, the two men are quick to asking Why??
The third man easily explains, Because you won't be able to think about it or turn on the light when it hits you.

My s**... life just got a whole lot better...

Frontier increased my download speed from 1.5Mbs to 15.

A highway patrolman pulls over an elderly woman for speeding.

"Ma'am," he tells her, "I clocked you doing 72 MPH. The speed limit on this road is 55."
"But, Officer, the sign back there said it was 75!"
"No, Ma'am, that wasn't a speed limit sign, that was the route sign. You're on State Highway 75. I'm sorry for your confusion, but I still have to write you a ticket."
"Oh, that's okay, Sonny; I understand. I'm just glad I didn't run across you back there on Route 135."

Man, after joining a Biker Gang: Do we or don't we ride our bikes at the same speed?

Biker: Yes, we do. But stop calling it synchronizing our cycles.

Two terrorists are in a car, driving to bomb some place.

One had a bomb on his lap, the other was driving. The car went over a speed bumper too fast.
"Hey, watch it, Joe! You are gonna set this bomb off!"
"Relax, dude, we have a spare one in the trunk."

I got a speeding ticket last month and took it to court

Rudy Giuliani was my lawyer and plead me down to second degree m**...

A cop pulls over 3 old ladies

A cop pulls over 3 old ladies doing 20 in a 65mph zone. The cop walks up to the window.

"How can I help you officer?"

"Did you realize you were doing 20 in a 65mph zone?"

"I thought we were doing the speed limit. It says so right there." The old woman pointed to a sign.

"Ma'am thats the sign saying you're on interstate 20." Just then the officer noticed the two women in back looked extremely frightened. "What's wrong with them?"

"Oh we must have just come off interstate 200."

Breaking News: Japanese researchers have developed a camera with a shutter speed so fast...

It can actually capture an image of a woman with her mouth shut.

What's the speedlimit for s**...?

68, 'cause at 69 you have to stop and turn around.

Physics Teacher's Story

Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity went to college and got a science degree with which he's earning a six figure salary.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents in their basement.
Speed lacks Direction.

The receptionist got a bit shocked when a nun comes running out at full speed, with an expression that could only be described as pure horror.

Receptionist: What in gods name happened to her? The receptionist asked the doctor.
Doctor: Well, I told her she was pregnant.
Receptionist: Pregnant? A nun? Was she really?
Doctor: Of course not, but atleast I managed to cure her hiccups...

A police officer stops a speeding car and walks up to the driver

"Do you know you were going 20 km/h over the speed limit ?"
The guy respond : "How am I supposed to know ? I don't have a license".
His wife, sitting on the passenger seat, interjects : "Don't listen to him, he's drunk."
Their kid, on the backseat, sighs "I knew we weren't going to go far with a stolen car..."
A voice comes out of the trunk "Did we pass the border yet ?"

They're putting a speed limit to s**.....

Once you get to 68 you have to turn around

A copy pulls over an old lady driving very slowly on the highway...

...and sees three other old ladies in the car, all of whom are terrified.
Cop: I pulled you over because you were driving 35 miles per hour on the highway.
Old Lady: Well, that's because the speed limit is 35.
Cop: No, this is HIGHWAY 35. The speed limit is 65. By the way, why are these other three women looking so terrified?
Old Lady: Ohhh, that's because we just got off of highway 145.

The NYPD is reporting that Antifa has painted convincing-looking tunnels on walls to trick New York's Finest into running into them at high speed

They're calling it "operation meep-meep"

Drunk taxi.

3 drunk guys entered a taxi. The
taxi driver knew that they were
drunk so he started the engine
& turned it off again. Then
said,"We have reached your
destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said
"Thank you". The 3rd guy
slapped the driver. The driver
was shocked thinking the 3rd
drunk knew what he did. But
then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied,
"Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us

A pilot is flying a plane and shortly after mid-air announcement , forgets to turn off the mic.

He then mentions to his copilot : "I am dating that cute air hostess. After we land , we will go to the hotel and bang. "
The air hostess after hearing this runs towards the front of the plane at full speed to tell the pilot to turn off the mic and hits a blind man's stick and falls down.
The guy sitting on the other side says : "Why are you in such a hurry , we haven't even landed yet! "

A farmer was fed up with drivers speeding down the road where he lived, so he asked the police to put up a sign...

They put up a "Slow down, speed limit" sign - with no effect. Then, "Danger, road hazard!" sign was put up, but had no effect, either. Then the police tried a sign stating "Children crossing" - and still nobody slowed down.
Finally, the farmer asked the police if he could put up his own sign. They agreed, and to their surprise, just days later a passing officer saw a row of cars moving very slowly past the farmer's place. The policeman approached the farm, and saw a new, hand-painted sign stating: "Nudist Colony".

A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "m**...!" "Killer! ".

The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.
The policeman : Tell me what happened.
The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either c**... the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into the direction of a single person. Am I a monster for deciding to swerve into the single person?
Policeman : No, that sounds like a difficult yet reasonable decision to make. But tell me how did you end up killing 11 people?
Suspect : Well that a**... ran towards the other 10.

3 drunk guys entered a taxi.

The driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine, turn it off again and said "We reached your
The first guy gave him money.
The second guy said "thank you" then gave him money too, while the third guy slapped the taxi driver.
The driver was shocked thinking the third guy knew what he did, the driver asked "What was that for?"
The third guy replied "Control your speed next time, you've nearly killed us."

I once tried speed dating...

Turns out she wasn't as into stimulants as I was...

Lonely superman

So one day superman is flying around lonely when he noticed wonder women n**... on the beach having what looks like a w**....
He figures if he can fly down at the speed of light and do his business she would never even notice. After a few minutes he finally builds the courage and boom he goes in for the kill.
Wonder women in shock screams at the top of her voice "What the h**... was that?!" The invisible man in agonizing pain tells her "I have no idea but my a**... is killing me"

What do you call an athlete doing drugs ?

A Speed runner

I have a massive fear of that speed bump near my house.

But I am slowly getting over it.

An engineer, a physicist and a statiscian go hunting in the woods.

They spot a deer and take turns shooting at it. First goes the physicist. He look at the angle, calculates the speed of the bullet and shoots but his shot goes 50 meters to the right. The engineer says he didn't count for the wind and he also makes his measurement and shots but his shot goes 50 meters to the left. Then the statiscian yells hapilly: We did it!

What's the difference between a drunk and a s**...?

When driving, a drunk will approach a stop sign and may speed right through it.
A s**... will actually stop... and wait for it to turn green.

What does speedy gonzalas put beneath his carpets?

Underlay! Underlay!

Speed joke, What does speedy gonzalas put beneath his carpets?

jokes about speed