speed Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious speed puns

I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old...

It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two.

Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

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If light travels faster than the speed of sound...

how come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?

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A man and a woman rotate to the same table in a game of speed dating.

"Hi!" says the woman cheerfully, "Just so you know, I'm deaf, but I can read lips. Just talk as you normally do and I'll let you know if I didn't catch something. So, what do you do for a living?"

"I'm a ventriloquist," says the man.

"What?" says the woman.

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I have a fear of speed bumps

But I am slowly getting over it

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No matter what they say, you matter.

Unless you get multiplied by the speed of light squared. Then you Energy

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Three drunk guys get into a taxi.

The driver knew they were drunk. He turned the engine on and quickly turned it back off. He said "We've arrived."


The 1st drunk pays the driver, the 2nd drunk thanked him, and the 3rd drunk slapped him. He thought the 3rd drunk knew what he did, but he asked anyway "What was that for?"


"CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME! You nearly killed us!"

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To the guy who's been tailgating me for the last half hour: Fuck you.

I'm already doing 20 mph over the speed limit.

 

Oh, and turn off those flashing lights on your roof, you look ridiculous.

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Usain Bolt's top speed was 27.8MPH.

During an orgasm, semen exits the penis at 28MPH meaning that the only thing faster than a Bolt is a nut.

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What's the speed limit for sex?

Sixty-eight. At 69 you have to turn around.

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What's the speed limit of sex?

68, because if you go 69 you'll flip over and eat it.

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A state trooper lays in wait at a speed trap...

and spots a speeder.

He flashes his lights, pulls the car over, walks up to the driver and says, "I've been waiting for you all day."

The driver responds, "I got here as fast as I could."

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Superman is flying over the ocean . . . NSFW

... And he spots Wonder Woman on an island lying spread-eagle naked on the beach.

He thinks, "Man, I've always wanted to fuck her."

So he flies down at super-sonic speed, drills her within seconds, and flies away chuckling.


Meanwhile, Wonder Woman says, "What the fuck was that?"

And the Invisible Man says, "I don't know . . . but my ass hurts like hell."

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I was amazed

As I get older, I never stop learning new things every day. I'm a new dad and the other day I was changing my baby when all of a sudden my kid rolls off of the changing table. As if animal instincts kicked into me in that split moment, or super powers of sorts, I swoop down with lightning speed and catch him INCHES off of the ground! Still to this day I'm amazed; I had no idea babies could bounce that high off of marbled flooring.

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You're riding a horse full speed, a man on a giraffe at your side, and a ferocious lion in hot pursuit. What do you do?

Get your drunk ass off the carousel.

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Cum leaves the body at almost 30 miles per hour, which means it is illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.

I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.

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I was once driving down the road..

..where I read a sign which said,
Speed limit 30km
I slowed down to 30km/h
A little further, another one
Speed limit 20km
I had to slow down even more,
Moving on, I saw another one
Speed limit 10km
My speedometer had come down to 10km/h
Not long after that, there was another
Speed limit 1km
I pulled over and started pushing my car to a point where I finally saw the last sign,


Welcome to Speed Limit

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I just started practicing some speed reading techniques. Last night I read "War and Peace" in about 10 seconds.

I know it's only 3 words but it's a start!

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Superman is flying idly around, when he spots Wonder Woman naked, spread-eagled on a beach.

He thinks to himself, "I bet I could use my superhuman speed to have intercourse with her and fly away, without her even realizing what happened."

So he does.

A few seconds later, Wonder Woman says, "What in the HELL was THAT?"

The Invisible Man replies, "I have no idea, but my ass feels really sore."

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I began speed reading, and just last night I read The Da Vinci Code in fifteen minutes.

I know it's only 4 words, but it's a start.

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Three drunk guys enter a taxi.

The taxi driver knew that they were drunk, so he started the engine and turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money and the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?".

The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

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Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?

This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.

I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.

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I used to have a a racing snail that kept losing.

I decided to remove its shell to try and speed it up, if anything it made it more sluggish.

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I'm deathly afraid of speed bumps

but I'm slowly getting over it.

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When a woman asks for some time, and some space...

... she's trying to calculate speed

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When a woman buys a vibrator it's seen as a bit of naughty fun

But when a guy orders a 240 volt fuckmaster pro 5000 latex doll with high speed pulsating pussy, elasticised anus with non drip semen collection tray, together with optional built in realistic orgasm sound system, he gets called a pervert.

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I saw a woman on a bike speed past me, and I thought, "Oh shit, that looks like mine."

I ran to my garage to check, but luckily mine was still locked up and begging for some water.

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The Speed of Light is 3*10^8 metres per second. What then is the Speed of Darkness?

100 metres over 9.58 seconds.

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Why is it that when a woman gets a vibrator, it's seen as a bit of naughty fun...

BUT when a guy orders a 240 volt Fuckmaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6 speed pulsating pussy, elasticized anus with non-drip nut collection tray, together with optional built-in realistic rape scream 7.1 surround system, he's called a pervert?

Double standards.

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They told me to drive it like I stole it

So I stayed at the speed limit, followed the road rules and paid attention to my surroundings

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I took the shell off my racing snail to speed it up.

If anything it made it more sluggish.

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A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity...

He looks up then down, measuring the distance, then tries to figure out the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the damn ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man," says his partner. "You'll never hit her from here."

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What's the speed limit to sex?

68.

Once you go 69 you have to stop and turn around.

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Did you know semen leaves the penis at 50 miles per hour? That means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone,

but I don't think I got arrested because of the speed.

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The perfect shot.

A golfer stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity to his partner. He looks up, looks down, measures the distance and figures the wind direction and speed. The longer he takes, the more his partner fidgets. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man," the partner says. "You'll never hit her from here."

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A cop parks at the bottom of a bridge, waiting for a speeder. He pulls a man over for doing 40 over the speed limit, and says, "Son, I've been waiting for you all day."

The man quickly responds, "Well, I got here as fast as I could!"

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What are the most funny Speed jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Speed? Well, here are the best Speed dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Speed pick up lines to share with friends.

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