Speechless Jokes
56 speechless jokes and hilarious speechless puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about speechless that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Speechless Short Jokes
Short speechless jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The speechless humour may include short astounded jokes also.
- I went on a date with an Italian. We had a great conversation until we held hands, then she was speechless.
- What was Mark Hamill's reaction when he finished reading The Force Awakens script? Speechless
- During his wedding, my friend called me the worst best man he has ever seen. I was speechless.
- I'm speechless Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine." - My wife said I needed to grow up I was speechless
It's hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth - I bumped into my dad in a brothel yesterday, I was speechless… I thought he worked in a bank.
- At his wedding, my friend told me that I was the worst Best Man that he has ever seen. I was speechless.
- Just heard Barrack Obama's main writer has been killed.. Sources reporting that he is currently speechless.
- I just gave my first Ted talk about south paw sign language. The audience was left speechless.
- I was bringing home some tongue from the butcher... ...when a cat jumped into my arms and took it.
I was speechless.
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Speechless One Liners
Which speechless one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with speechless? I can suggest the ones about astonished and amazed.
- I was called the worst best man once I was speechless.
- The doctor told me my vocal chords were damaged I was speechless
- My daughter wanted me to be a mime for her birthday party. I was speechless.
- I was offered a part in a silent film. I'm speechless.
- What do you call an Italian in handcuffs? Speechless
- My dad once told me I would make a great mime... I was speechless.
- I was going to give a public address but I lost my speaking notes I was speechless!
- Just been told I've got the job as a mime ...
I'm speechless. - What was the mans reaction when he was told he could never talk again? He was speechless.
- When a girl doesn't reply to my text I feel honored because i made her speechless
- I just got the lead in a silent film I'm absolutely speechless
- The Prime Minister's speech writer has resigned. He's speechless.
- I got a walk on part in a silent movie about mimes. I'm absolutely speechless.
- I had quite the shock when I was told I would never talk again... I was speechless
- I lost the script I was gonna use for my TED Talk. I'm speechless.
Uproarious Speechless Jokes to Have a Laugh Out Loud Good Time
What funny jokes about speechless you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean stunned jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make speechless pranks.
King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention.
It was a chastity belt... except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.
'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed, 'Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?'
'Ah, sire, just observe.' said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for.
He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. 'Merlin, you are a genius!' cried the grateful monarch, 'Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.'
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.
Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.
'Sir Galahad' exclaimed King Arthur, 'the one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!'
But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless..
So Adam is sitting in the Garden of Eden...
... and he says, "God, I see that all of the other animals that you have created in this truly perfect world have a companion, a partner, someone to be with, share life with, and to love. Why is it that I am alone?" God pauses for a moment, and says "You know Adam, I'll work on that. Be patient, my son, I shall return to you in a week's time."
God labors for a week as only a being of such incredible omnipotence can labor, and after much exhausting work, he returns to Adam after a week has passed and reveals to him his creation.
Adam is speechless. After much gaping, he finally finds the words to say "God, she is beautiful, she is truly your most perfect creation. I must ask though, what will this cost me, for surely this cannot be free."
God says soberly "My son. I confess, to have a being of such beauty and grace, you must give me an arm and a leg. I can accept no other payment."
Adam weighs this for a moment, and then says, "How much can I get for a rib?"
This math joke usually leaves people speechless
What did the mathematician say after she ate a huge meal at a feast?
√[(-1)/64]
----
^I ^over ^eight.
It leaves the speechless because they usually look at me with confusion. Its hard to make this joke work, verbally.
So I'm at the dentist's office...
...in the waiting room when this woman comes storming out, shouting curses and threatening to sue. When she's gone, the dentist is standing in the doorway, speechless, so I ask him, "gee, doc, what's got her knickers in a twist?" And he says, "I don't know, I just asked her to take a shot in the mouth."
So I woke up to find that someone had stolen my assignment for my communications class...
I was speechless...
There was a m**... at the mime convention
Everyone was left speechless
I went to a High School pep rally....
The principal had announced earlier that day that he would make an inspirational speech for us. At the rally, he walked up to the microphone for his speech. But, all he did was look at the crowd, smiled, and stepped down.
We were left speechless.
Was playing with a new animation software but forgot to add any dialogue.
It rendered me speechless.
Funny Comeback
I go into McDonald's and there is this fat girl making fun of this mentally disabled kid*
Me: you know, that could happen to any of us. You don't belong making fun of someone like that, what's wrong with you?
Girl: god gave me a mouth to speak and I'm going to use it
Me: well god also gave you a mouth to eat, you abused that privilege.
Girl: -speechless-
Me: oh and you might want to wipe that ketchup off your chin
Girl: *goes to wipe chin*
Me: no, your other chin
Astrology joke
I've got a cousin who was born with a rare condition that renders him speechless, deaf, blind, immobile, and unable to talk. He mostly lies in bed in a hospital, and we feed him through tubes. But underneath all that, you can totally tell he's got that typical wacky Capricorn sense of humor.
Have you seen the cast of the new movie "A Quiet Place?"
Speechless.
Today my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance...
"Well...," a friend replies, "...I'm going to be honest with you: you should take advantage of that, she's not for you. She is seeing other guys, she even had an affair with me, your best friend! I'm glad she said that. How did she start the conversation?"
The other guy stays speechless for a while. "she... was studying for a test, for physics. She needed random numbers to calculate velocity."
My uncle worked in Hollywood and told me how sad it was at Jim Henson's f**....
Kermit was speechless.
My friend self proclaimed that he is the pride of the class
I replied, "no wonder you're the biggest d**...'
this literally just happened, he's speechless and I'm proud of myself
John was at a party...
John was at a party, sitting alone. There were a lot of people, but his eyes were fixed on a perticular girl. She was absolutely stunning, dancing freely, laughing and chatting with others.
Suddenly, the girl turned her head towards John, and a smile appeared on her lips. As she started to walk towards John, his heart started beating faster.
The girl was now in front of John, and with the sweetest voice ever, she asked, "Do you wanna' dance?"
John was speechless, he couldn't believe his ears. He somehow managed to say, "Y...ya"
"Well then get out of that chair, I need to sit down"
A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday
A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyses, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.
Stalin is attending the premiere of a Soviet comedy movie with his fellow Party members.
He laughs and grins throughout the film, but after it ends he says, "Well, I liked the comedy. But that clown had a moustache just like mine. Shoot him."
Everyone is speechless, until someone sheepishly suggests, "Comrade Stalin, maybe the actor shaves off his moustache?"
Stalin replies, "Good idea! First shave, then shoot!"
