Speeches Opening Jokes
16 speeches opening jokes and hilarious speeches opening puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about speeches opening that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Speeches Opening Short Jokes
Short speeches opening jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The speeches opening humour may include short opening speech jokes also.
- Elon's opening speech for the Tesla Solar Roof really got my attention... Who knew there were thousands of hot shingles in my area?
- A boy had a speech impediment and is unable to articulate anything more than the letters of the alphabet. He opens his wallet, only to sadly exclaim:
O I C U R M T
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Speeches Opening One Liners
Which speeches opening one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with speeches opening? I can suggest the ones about starting speech and presentation opening.
- I just heard a speech on how to use your eyelids It really opened my eyes
- The best time to open a gift is the present.
- How did the v**... open her speech? h**...
Speeches Opening Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about speeches opening you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean speeches about jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make speeches opening pranks.
The Prince of Wales and the Duke of Edinburgh
The recent death of the Duke of Edinburgh reminded me of the time that Prince Charles went to open a school in Brixton in London. The Prince's speech went well, but people were distracted by his headwear, which was a Davey Crockett-type hat made from fox fur, with the fox's tail hanging down at the back. After the ceremony the headmaster thanked Charles and said, "I couldn't help noticing what you were wearing on your head ...?"
"Ah yes", said Charles, "That was Daddy's idea. He asked where I was going today, then he said 'Brixton? Wear the fox hat'".
Trump at the Olympics
Donald Trump is opening the Olympic Games and has to read a speech.
"Oh" he says. "Oh, oh, oh ..."
An aide nudges him, "Mr. Trump, stop," he says. "You're reading the Olympic symbol."
A classic Soviet joke
(Setting: 1980 Olympics)
Leonid Ilyich Brezhnev began reading his opening speech.
"O!" - the crowd applauses.
"O!" - another round of applause and cheer comes from the audience.
"O!" - the entire audience body stands up and begins clapping.
A secretary comes to Brezhnev and says, "Dear Leonid Ilyich, these are Olympic logo rings; you don't need to read all of them!"
A kid with a speech impediment is trick or treating on Halloween...
At his last door a nice elderly lady opens it and he says the traditional " Bick or beat!" She replied "Oh what do we have hear what are you dressed as little boy?" He proudly replied "I'm a Birate!"
"Oh you're a Pirate!" She responds "Well where are your Buckaneers?" He scowls at the lady and points to his head and shouts "My bucken ears are right here why don't you use your bucken eyes?!"
Prime Minister Shinzo Abe gives an opening speech at the Tokyo Olympics.
He walks up to the microphone. "O!" he says, which is followed by applause.
"O!" he says again, as an ovation.
"O!" he says again, and the audience stands up and cheers. Suddenly, an aide runs up to the podium.
"Prime Minister Abe," the aide whispers, "those are the Olympic logo rings, you don't need to read all of them!"
Two 12 year olds are in the hospital...
Two 12 year old boys are in the hospital, both on gurneys waiting to be wheeled into surgery. The first boy says to the other, "What are you here for?"
The second boy says, "I'm having my tonsils removed."
"Oh, I had my tonsils removed a few years ago. It wasn't that bad, and I got lots of ice cream after."
"So what are you here for?", asks the second boy.
"I'm getting a circumcision."
"Oh geez, good luck. I had mine done when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for 12 months afterwards."
Credit goes to my Finance professor, who told this joke as his opening statement for his retirement banquet speech.
Door to Door salesman - another oldie
A couple was having their morning routine before they head to their jobs when suddenly the doorbell rang. The wife rushed to the door. When she opened it a man with a bucket full of s,,t rushed in and splashed them all over the carpet with a grin. Before the women could react he started his speech:
- My name is Tom and this is the all new (insert random hoover brand here) vacuum cleaners that is guaranteed to clean any type of mess on your floors, carpets or upholstery. If it doesn`t do the job I will eat all of the s,,t!
At that point the women just asked him:
- Mustard or ketchup?
- Excuse me? - he asked with a blank expression on his face.
- Would you like ketchup or mustard with your s,,t, Tom? - asked the woman again somewhat irritated.
- There is no need for that. Just you wait until you've seen the hoover in action. - he replied with a smirk.
- Oh, but there is. We haven't had electricity for a week.
Nobel award winning physicist and his limo driver
A Nobel award winning physicist, who was afraid of flying, was on speaking tour of the nation's top colleges. He travelled by limousine to each destination to give his speech.
After two dozen engagements, the physicist and the limousine driver were having dinner before the next speech. The limousine driver commented that he'd heard the speech enough times, and that even though he didn't understand it, he felt as if he could deliver it word-for-word. So the physicist agreed to trade places and let him give the speech, and the physicist would sit in the back and wear the limousine driver's uniform.
After giving the speech flawlessly, the limousine driver opened the floor for questions from the students (typically there were none). However, at this particular University there was a rather egotistical student who thought he was smart enough to compete mentally with the Nobel physicist. The question took 5 minutes to get out and would require a rather lengthy explanation and some complex calculus to answer.
Without batting an eye, the limousine driver responded to the young student by saying, "The answer to that question is so easy, I'll let my limousine driver, seated in the back, respond."