Speech Jokes
146 speech jokes and hilarious speech puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about speech that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This is a collection of the funniest speech jokes. If you have a hard time giving speeches, then you'll appreciate these jokes.
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Funniest Speech Short Jokes
Short speech jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The speech humour may include short spoken jokes also.
- I don't understand why Obama has to give his speeches behind bullet proof glass. I mean, I know he's black and all, but I doubt he'll shoot anyone.
- Fidel Castro was a cigar-smoking, repressive leader who hated free speech and a free press. Donald Trump, in comparison, doesn't smoke.
- The only similarity between Bernie Sanders's speeches and Hillary's speeches is ......both inspire you to vote against Hillary.
- My wife was giving a speech at her parents' wedding anniversary, and my phone battery ran out in the middle of recording it. Now I'll never hear the end of it.
- On the bright side... We can look forward to four more years of Michelle Obama speeches from our First Lady.
- What does Yoda say when he is drunk? Dear me it appears I have imbibed alcohol in sufficient quantitiy to impair my speech
- I don't see why Obama gave all his speeches behind bulletproof glass.. I know he's black and all but I doubt he'd actually shoot anyone.
- Mini-Skirt Speech My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!
- Michelle Obama gave a great speech last night I can't wait to hear it again at the next Republican National Convention.
- A man giving a long-winded speech finally says,…. "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home."
A voice from the crowd says, "There's a calendar behind you."
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Speech One Liners
Which speech one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with speech? I can suggest the ones about speaker and voice.
- This speech will be very hard for Hillary Clinton... She isn't getting paid for it
- What do you call an Italian with a broken arm? Speech impaired.
- What does an Italian have when he is missing one arm? A severe speech impediment.
- A microwave and a refrigerator get married. Who gives the speech? The Toaster.
- What's 18 inches long and never gets used? Leonardo DiCaprio's acceptance speech.
- Why do Scotsmen drink so much? To slur their speech enough to do the accent.
- When is the Speech Therapy Class? It's hard to say.
- You wanna hear a joke? Free speech on Reddit
- What is it called when an Italian has no hands? A speech impediment
- What did Microsoft employees say to Bill Gates after his motivational speech? Word.
- What do you call it when a deaf person flips you off? A finger of speech!
- My parents have a serious speech impediment problem They could never say I love you
- What's an Italian chef's favorite speech? Spaghettysburg address.
- China has freedom of speech But freedom after speech is not guaranteed
- I just heard a speech on how to use your eyelids It really opened my eyes
Speech Impediment Jokes
Here is a list of funny speech impediment jokes and even better speech impediment puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- arm's length what do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
a speech impediment - What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.
- How is a speech impediment like a box of chocolates? It doesn't really matter, as long as it has good cocoa content.
- What does an Italian have if he's born with one arm shorter than the other ? A speech impediment.
- What did the magician with a speech impediment say to the fisherman? Pick a cod, any cod.
- What did the man with a speech impediment name his boat The S.S. Stutter
- A kid with a speech impediment spends his entire childhood in speech therapy. Youthless
- I'm gonna make a movie about a man with a speech impediment during world War 2 I'm gonna call it Schindler's Lisp
- What do you call an Italian with only one hand? Speech impediment.
- I recently went to a comedy restaurant, and there was a chicken with a speech impediment on stage... The food was great, but the yolks were terrible...
Man Speech Jokes
Here is a list of funny man speech jokes and even better man speech puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- "I don't understand what this statue of a man talking is supposed to mean" "It's confusing, but I think it's a figure of speech."
- I listened to a speech from Trump this morning apologizing for his wrongdoings and taking responsibility... That was the weirdest dream ever, man.
- Life is good you know. So I suggest you get one.
- There are 12 things, people do when they haven't prepared a speech. They lie, tell stories and exaggerate.
- Never underestimate a woman's ability to make anything your fault.
- Sorry, I'm late. I got here as soon as I felt like it.
- The Best way to get back on your feet is to miss a couple of car payments!
- Don't underestimate me, that's my mother's job.
- Sure, I may not be in a relationship, but I am three people's plan B and someone's maybe if we're ever the last two people on Earth.
- You can't get on the same page with someone who has a different book.
Freedom Speech Jokes
Here is a list of funny freedom speech jokes and even better freedom speech puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- 15 Year Old Teenager: "I love the US! It's the land of freedom and opportunity! We even have freedom of speech!" CNN: "Hold my beer."
- Similarities and differences between the Canadian and Chinese constitution. Both have freedom of speech but only one has freedom after speech.
- In North Korea, you actually do get freedom of speech. Just not freedom *after* your speech.
- The only things Americans exercise Is their freedom of speech
- How do you take away an Italian's freedom of speech? Handcuff them
- I vacationed to an island for the deaf The people there enjoyed all the rights of any of us, but the freedom of speech was not aloud
- Free Speech Dude:I believe in freedom of speech
Bro:So does everyone else you idiot.You don't get brownie points for believing in a basic right
Dude:Hey you can't say that! - In China we guarantee our citizens the freedom of speech But we do not guarantee their personal safety after their speech.
- Shouting, "You're all pathetic idiots!" to freedom of speech protesters... Soon changes their tone.
- comrade, what is difference between constitution of Russian motherland and the Finland? Both constitutions guarantee freedom of speech, but only in finland do you get freedom after speech.
Starting Speech Jokes
Here is a list of funny starting speech jokes and even better starting speech puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Alright, before I start my speech I'd like to give a quick shout out to my grandpa! Cause that's the only way he can hear
- A group of linguists at the key note of a conference They started chanting "Speech! Speech! Speech! ..."
- Suppose you're going to have to give a speech to a bunch of nudists. What do you think you'll do if you start to get nervous?
- I'd like to start today by telling you how wonderful (NAME) is. I'd like to but...
Speech Therapy Jokes
Here is a list of funny speech therapy jokes and even better speech therapy puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Have to take my son to speech therapy.. Easier done than said
Amusing Speech Jokes to Make You Laugh with Friends
What funny jokes about speech you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean words jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make speech pranks.
A speech should be like a woman's skirt.
Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to keep it interesting!
A man is asked to give a speech on r**......
He stands up and says "Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure..."
Then sat down.
Sleeping with POTUS
The night before the election, Mitt Romney was very confident & told his Wife Ann; "...this time tomorrow night, you'll be sleeping with the
President of the United States". After Mitt's concession speech, they headed to bed. Ann was getting undressed when she asked,.."...so how does this work? Is Barrack coming over here or I'm supposed
to go over there?"
Since we seem to be doing talking dog jokes today...
A man walks into a talent agency, carrying a small, scruffy looking dog. He sets the dog on the agent's desk and begins his speech:
"Sir, I have for you the most amazing act. This dog can speak. And not only can he speak, he's one of the most intelligent dogs you'll ever meet. Allow me to demonstrate: Dog, what is on the top of a house?"
"Roof!" Says the dog.
"Amazing! Dog: what is the opposite of smooth?"
"Roof!" the dog replies.
"Incredible! Dog: who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?"
Again, the dog says "Roof!"
"Remarkable! So what do you think?"
The agent leans back in his chair and says "Get lost. I can't sell that carny act."
Outside the agent's office, the dog looks up at the man and says "Maybe I should have said DiMaggio?"
When Obama made his inaugural speech, they put him behind bulletproof glass.
And that's proof of the racism that still exists in America today. I mean, just because he's black, doesn't mean he was going to go and shoot everybody.
With the situation in Ukraine...
Putin is giving a speech to his people
- My people, due Wests sanctions we'll need to tighten our belts and work harder!
Voice from the crowd:
- We will work two shifts!
- Thank you, you must be real patriot of our country! And we'll have to give up western goods and production!
- We will work three shifts!
- Such patriotism for country! By the way what's your occupation?
- I work at morgue...
Interruption of the speech of Comrade Stalin
Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes.
"Who sneezed?" (Silence.)
"First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Applause.)
"Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Long, loud applause.)
"Who sneezed?" (Silence.) ...
A dejected voice in the back: "It was me" (Sobs.)
Stalin leans forward: "Bless you, comrade!"
Thanks to allrussias for glorious joke!
Is it true that there was free speech in the Soviet Union and the US?
Yes, in principle. In the US, you can stand in front of the White House and shout, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished. Similarly, in the Soviet Union, you can stand in the Red Square and shout, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished.
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees...
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
A nutritionist is giving a speech at a conference on eating healthy
Red meat is terrible for your metabolism, soda rips apart your gastric wall. Fast food is almost all fat and sugar but there's one food that is the worst of all. Almost all of us eat it sooner or later and the negative effects can last for years after a single consumption. Does anyone know what this is?
After a moment of silence an elderly specialist sitting in one of the front rows gets up and says "wedding cake"
Ancient Soviet joke
Guy turns on the TV and there's Brezhnev making a speech. He changes the channel, there's Brezhnev again, and tries again and on the next channel is a KGB officer saying - 'You'd better stop changing channels'.
What do you call a kleptomaniac who doesn't understand figurative speech?
Someone who takes everything literally
My Acceptance Speech
"I would like to thank my arms, for always being by my side. My legs, for always supporting me, as best they could. As for my fingers, well I could always count on them. And finally my hips, for they never lied."
I'm speechless
Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine."
How do you host an amnesia support group on a budget?
The moment they show up, tell them the meeting went great and their speech was inspiring.
Obvious media bias
Michelle Obama gives a speech when her husband is being nominated, and the media is generally positive. Melania Trump gives the exact same speech, and the media pretends it's some kind of scandal.
Melania Trump immigrated to America in 1996
And after her speech I now see why Donald says that "all immigrants are thieves"
People are giving Hillary too much flak for fainting
I mean come on, it was 92 degrees out there, how can you expect an older women to withstand 102 degree heat. I'd like to see you give a speech in 112 degree heat and see if you can make it as far as her.
I went to a High School pep rally....
The principal had announced earlier that day that he would make an inspirational speech for us. At the rally, he walked up to the microphone for his speech. But, all he did was look at the crowd, smiled, and stepped down.
We were left speechless.
When barack obama gives his speech, he stands behind a bulletproof glass.
That shows how racist America still is.
Just because he's black, doesn't mean he's going to shoot anyone
Thanks Frankie Boyle
It's WW1 on the straits of Gallipoli, the soldiers are ready to charge from their trenches.
The british officers decides to make a rousing speech to his troops: "Listen here lads, did you come here to die?" and the australian answers "Nah mate, I came 'ere yesterday!"
An American patriot with amputated arms decides to replace them.
He obtains a pair of grizzly bear arms from a black market, and attaches them on his own, with the help of a friend.
He is arrested for contribution to animal cruelty and performing medical procedures unlicensed.
When taken to court, he gives a speech defending his right to bear arms.
11 Blondes and a brunette
There are 12 people hanging onto a rope that comes down from an airplane. 11 of them are blonde, and one is a brunette. They all decide that one person should get off because if they don't, the rope will break and everyone will die. No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a very touching speech, ending with the words, "I'll get off." The blondes, all moved by the brunette's speech, start clapping. Problem solved.
Old USSR joke about free speech
In America you have freedom of speech. You can stand in front of the White House and say: "Reagan s**...."
In Soviet Russia, you also have freedom of speech. You can stand in front of the Kremlin and say: "Reagan s**...."
Stalin is giving a speech.
And someone sneezes.
Stalin: Who sneezed?
No answer.
Stalin: First row outside.
*Gunshots*
Stalin: Who sneezed?
No answer.
Stalin: Second row outside.
*Gunshots*
Stalin: Who sneezed?
Attendee, crying: "I SNEEZED!"
Stalin: Bless you!
Did you hear about that psychologist's awesome speech last night?
It was amazing! The crowd was really eating it up. Everyone was going absolutely sane.
Two patients are sitting in a waiting room.
One of the patients, who has a speech impairment, asks the other patient,
"H-h-hi t-there. W-w-what are y-you here f-f-for?"
The other replies, "I have an issue with my prostate."
"W-w-what's the p-problem?"
The other answers, "Well, the way you talk is the way I pee."
A little boy asks his father why they say gardeners have green thumbs...
The father replies "That's just a figure of speech. You know, like when someone is stealing and they are caught red handed, but their hands are really black."
I was having trouble writing my farewell speech...
A guy said, "If you give me $20 I'll write the speech for you."
I said, "That's a good buy."
Soviet Economics
1980s. Soviet Economy minister is making speech at Communist Party session:
- According to latest statistics, our incomes rose 20%, our quality of life rose 30% and our buying economic power rose 40%
From the audience: That's great that YOURS did, but what about OURS??
An American boasts to a Soviet about the freedom of speech he has.
He says, "I can literally walk up to the oval office and say, 'President Reagan, I don't like the way you are running this country' and I won't get into any problem at all!"
The Soviet replies, "I can do the exact same, too. I too can literally walk up to the Red Square and say, 'Comrade Brezhnev, I don't like the way President Reagan is running this country' and not get into any problem!"
A stairway builder was retiring
On his last day the manager held a speech for him in the lunch-room.
"This man has worked here for over 40 years! Just imagine the number of stairs built by you alone! I reckon, on the day you die, you could stack them on top of eachother and reach heaven!"
The retiring builder, a bit red from embaresment, responded quietly:
"Oh, thank you for your kind words, but I have mostly been building basement-stairs..."
Stalin is delivering a speech to the Party
Suddenly someone sneezes.
- Who's just sneezed?
No answer.
- Execute the first row. Who's sneezed, I ask you?
No answer.
- Execute the second row. So who of you has just sneezed?
Finally a shaking man raises and utters feebly:
- It's me, Comrade Stalin.
- Bless you! Now, back to the topic...
There was freedom of speech in the Soviet Union, just like in USA
You can stand in front of the White House and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished.
Equally, you can also stand in Red Square in Moscow and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished.
Just saw that Wayne Rooney has been to see Sir Alex Ferguson in hospital. His speech is definitely improving and he can now just about string a sentence together.
Said Sir Alex
What goes quack, quack, quack?
A j**... with a speech impediment
An American and a German are discussing freedom of speech.
The German says:
>Here in Germany, contrary to what a lot of you Americans think, we do have freedom of speech. Everyone here hates Putin, but I could walk right up to the Bundestag and proclaim: "I love Vladimir Putin!" And I wouldn't even be arrested!
The American replies:
>Ah, yes, but in the USA we're even freer. I could walk right up to the White House and shout "I love Vladimir Putin"... and they'd let me in!
I got kicked out of my book club meeting because I tried to review Tommy Wiseau's book adaptation of his movie despite never actually having read it.
I should have noticed how irritated the crowd was getting at my inaccurate speech, but I didn't read The Room.
What's it like to be drunk?
A boy was riding home from school with his dad. He had just started learning about alcohol and drinking in his health class.
"Dad, when you're drinking how do you know you're drunk?"
"Well son, when you're drunk your speech is slurred and your vision gets worse and worse. A drunk person would see 4 cars in front of us and not 2."
"But Dad, there's only 1 car in front of us!"
Overhead in a country ruled by a dictator
Citizen: What happened to freedom of speech in this country?
Dictator: Freedom of speech has always been guaranteed in this country. It is freedom after speech which we can't guarantee
What is the difference between a joe Biden speech and a Donald Trump speech?
When Biden is speaking you wonder if he's had a s**....
When Trump is speaking you wonder if you've had a s**....
Why was google translate banned in North-Korea?
The speech option was free
A flat earther snuck into a physics seminar
While the speaker was giving speech on recent development about gravity, flat earther shouted
" Why do you even think that gravity is real? "
Speaker dropped the mic.
They gave me the 'most illiterate kid in school' award
I was so upset that I couldn't even read my speech
A man on a stage giving speech 'all men who are afraid of their wives come here"
All the men except for one person went to the stage. He said to the only man sitting in his seat "wow, so you aren't afraid of your wife, respect".
The man said "my wife told me not to move from this seat till she comes back"
Trump in his first speech after recovery from the coronavirus: "I wanna thank all of you for your prayers..."
Makes me wonder why. They obviously weren't answered.
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt;
long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Well, at least we learned one thing about Trump from his speech this morning...
He can, in fact, read.
An american soldier was talking to a soviet soldier.
The american says, "the great thing about America is that we have freedom of speech! For instance, I can go right into the white house, walk up to president Reagan and say, "Mr. President, I completely disagree with the way you are running this country!" The soviet soldier responds, "so what? I can do that too!" The american soldier is baffled! He says, "really you can?"
"Sure! I can go right into the Kremlin, right up to the general secretary and say, "Mr. Gorbachev, I completely disagree with the way President Reagan is running his country!"
President Biden visits a fully vaccinated senior home
After a heartful speech in which he thanked the staff for their effort and the residents for their sacrifices he was doing the hand-shaking round. As he greeted a particular old woman who appeared to be quite "out of it", he asked her, "Do you know who I am?". Her response was simply, "No, but there's a nice woman at the front desk who can tell you!"
The Prince of Wales and the Duke of Edinburgh
The recent death of the Duke of Edinburgh reminded me of the time that Prince Charles went to open a school in Brixton in London. The Prince's speech went well, but people were distracted by his headwear, which was a Davey Crockett-type hat made from fox fur, with the fox's tail hanging down at the back. After the ceremony the headmaster thanked Charles and said, "I couldn't help noticing what you were wearing on your head ...?"
"Ah yes", said Charles, "That was Daddy's idea. He asked where I was going today, then he said 'Brixton? Wear the fox hat'".
My Oscars speech
I have to thank my arms for always being at my side, my legs for supporting me and my fingers because i could always count on them.
An environmentalist was giving a speech and told his audience that if we continue on our present course all life on earth will be gone in 50 years
A member of the audience jumped to his feet and cried out in panic, "What? What did you say?!"
The environmentalist solemnly repeated, "I said if we continue the way we are that every man, woman, and child on earth will be gone in fifty years."
The man sat down in relief and said, "Oh, thank God. I thought you said *fifteen* years."
The American and the Russian
Originally told by U.S. President Reagan in one of his speeches:
>An American and a Russian(before the fall of the Soviet Union) were bragging to one another.
>
>
>American: We have a lot of freedom of speech. We can just go to the White House, barge in the President's office and say: "Mr President, I don't like the way you are running this country!"
>
>
>Russian: That's nothing - we can also go to the Kremlin, barge in Gorbachev's office and say: "Mr General Secretary, I don't like the way President Reagan is running his country!"
Nikita Khrushchev is giving a speech on the necessity of de-Stalinizing the country. Someone in the crowd yells "And why didn't you do anything about it before Stalin died?!"
Khrushchev stands straight up and bellows "WHO SAID THAT?!?", looking left and right. When there is absolute silence and no one owns up to it, he says (in a normal voice) "That is why".
Stalin is giving a speech, and someone sneezes.
Stalin looks up from his notes and says, "Who sneezed?" No-one says anything.
Stalin has the first row taken away by KGB to be shot. "Who sneezed?" he asks again. No-one says anything. He has the second row of the audience taken away by the KGB to be shot.
"Comrade Stalin, I sneezed!" Says a man in the third row.
Stalin looks at the man and says; "Bless you."
A racist man called me a t**... for having long hair, a long beard, and being Middle Eastern.
Later I saw him at church giving a speech about how everyone needs a Middle Eastern guy with long hair and a beard in their lives.
