Speech Jokes

What are some Speech jokes?

America is racist

When Barack Obama gives his speech, he stands behind a bulletproof glass . That shows how racist America still is.

Just because he's black, doesn't mean he's going to shoot anyone



Thanks Frankie Boyle

Fidel Castro was a cigar-smoking, repressive leader who hated free speech and a free press.

Donald Trump, in comparison, doesn't smoke.

Obvious media bias

Michelle Obama gives a speech when her husband is being nominated, and the media is generally positive. Melania Trump gives the exact same speech, and the media pretends it's some kind of scandal.

This speech will be very hard for Hillary Clinton...

She isn't getting paid for it

What do you call an Italian with a broken arm?

Speech impaired.

It's WW1 on the straits of Gallipoli, the soldiers are ready to charge from their trenches.

The british officers decides to make a rousing speech to his troops: "Listen here lads, did you come here to die?" and the australian answers "Nah mate, I came 'ere yesterday!"

A man is asked to give a speech on rape...

He stands up and says "Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure..."

Then sat down.

What does Yoda say when he is drunk?

Dear me it appears I have imbibed alcohol in sufficient quantitiy to impair my speech

11 Blondes and a brunette

There are 12 people hanging onto a rope that comes down from an airplane. 11 of them are blonde, and one is a brunette. They all decide that one person should get off because if they don't, the rope will break and everyone will die. No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a very touching speech, ending with the words, "I'll get off." The blondes, all moved by the brunette's speech, start clapping. Problem solved.

Mini-Skirt Speech

My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!

What does an Italian have when he is missing one arm?

A severe speech impediment.

A microwave and a refrigerator get married. Who gives the speech?

The Toaster.

An American boasts to a Soviet about the freedom of speech he has.

He says, "I can literally walk up to the oval office and say, 'President Reagan, I don't like the way you are running this country' and I won't get into any problem at all!"

The Soviet replies, "I can do the exact same, too. I too can literally walk up to the Red Square and say, 'Comrade Brezhnev, I don't like the way President Reagan is running this country' and not get into any problem!"

Michelle Obama gave a great speech last night

I can't wait to hear it again at the next Republican National Convention.

Sleeping with POTUS

The night before the election, Mitt Romney was very confident & told his Wife Ann; "...this time tomorrow night, you'll be sleeping with the
President of the United States". After Mitt's concession speech, they headed to bed. Ann was getting undressed when she asked,.."...so how does this work? Is Barrack coming over here or I'm supposed
to go over there?"

Ancient Soviet joke

Guy turns on the TV and there's Brezhnev making a speech. He changes the channel, there's Brezhnev again, and tries again and on the next channel is a KGB officer saying - 'You'd better stop changing channels'.

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees...

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

Since we seem to be doing talking dog jokes today...

A man walks into a talent agency, carrying a small, scruffy looking dog. He sets the dog on the agent's desk and begins his speech:

"Sir, I have for you the most amazing act. This dog can speak. And not only can he speak, he's one of the most intelligent dogs you'll ever meet. Allow me to demonstrate: Dog, what is on the top of a house?"

"Roof!" Says the dog.

"Amazing! Dog: what is the opposite of smooth?"

"Roof!" the dog replies.

"Incredible! Dog: who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?"

Again, the dog says "Roof!"

"Remarkable! So what do you think?"

The agent leans back in his chair and says "Get lost. I can't sell that carny act."

Outside the agent's office, the dog looks up at the man and says "Maybe I should have said DiMaggio?"

I'm speechless

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine."

A little boy asks his father why they say gardeners have green thumbs...

The father replies "That's just a figure of speech. You know, like when someone is stealing and they are caught red handed, but their hands are really black."

What's 18 inches long and never gets used?

Leonardo DiCaprio's acceptance speech.

A Russian Joke.

Stalin is giving a speech when he hears someone sneeze. He stops mid-sentence and asks the first row, "who sneezed?"

Nobody answers.

Stalin executes the first row. Now, everyone is getting nervous.

Stalin addresses the second row. "Who sneezed?" he asks, becoming visibly upset.

Still, nobody answers. Everyone is much too scared to reply.

Stalin executes the second row.

"Who sneezed!?" Stalin booms. He is angry now.

Finally, after many moments of silence, a young and timid Russian soldier raises his hand. Stalin turns to the soldier and says,

"Bless you."

Parish priest

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."....

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the FIRST ONE to go to him in Confession."

Interruption of the speech of Comrade Stalin

Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes.

"Who sneezed?" (Silence.)

"First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Applause.)

"Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Long, loud applause.)

"Who sneezed?" (Silence.) ...

A dejected voice in the back: "It was me" (Sobs.)

Stalin leans forward: "Bless you, comrade!"

Thanks to allrussias for glorious joke!

An elderly senator is sitting in a chair quietly when he is supposed to be giving a speech...

His friend walks up to him and asks him, "Senator, why are you so quiet today?" The senator whispers to him "I accidentally left my teeth at home, can you go fetch them for me?" His friend agrees and gets his teeth.

Once the senator got his teeth, he started his speech. normally, he would go on for no more than half an hour, but this time, he was babbling on and on for over 1 hour and 45 minutes! Once the senator finished, his friend went up to him and asked him "senator, why did you talk for such a long time? You are usually very brief." The senator replies "It's your fault, you gave me my wife's teeth!"

A scientist invents a lie detector

The machine is able to analyse speech patterns and detect lies, beeping whenever it detects a lie. To demonstrate it,he plays it a video of bill clinton, 'I did not have sexual relations with that woman', * beep*.

He takes it to the presidential debates, Hillary says " I am probably the best qualified woman for the job." *beep".
Trump seizes the moment and says " See, she's lying! Crooked Hillary, just like I said." Everyone waits, but there's no beep. Anderson Cooper turns to Trump and says, "Mr. Trump, your response",

Trump says " I think..." *beep*

Speechmaking

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."

Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

edit=correct word(s)

A German baby was adopted by a wealthy couple

He grew into a happy, healthy boy, except for one thing: he never spoke.

After five years of silence, little Wolfgang's parents began to worry that he might have a disability. They took him to all the best pediatricians and speech therapists, but none could provide a solution.

One night after dinner, Wolfgang was served his dessert. Suddenly he cried out, "Mother! This strudel is a bit tepid!"

"Wolfgang!" his mother exclaimed, "You can speak! All these years, you've been silent. Why haven't you spoken to me before now?"

"Well," Wolfgang said, "Up until now, everything had been satisfactory."

Vladimir Putin was practicing a eulogy speech for an assassinated Russian politician in front of a mirror...

(ahem) "He was a dear patriot and credit to the Motherland, whom I personally adored as a friend and colleague. I vow, as leader of Russia, to find the culprits responsible for this vicious murder..."

Putin then stopped and turned to his aide. "Are you sure this strikes the right tone, Yuri? I mean, in terms of timing? I've been a bit preoccupied, so remind me, when was he killed?"

After a few moments consulting his ipad, the aide replies, "Next week, sir."

arm's length

what do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
a speech impediment

So one day, Hillary Clinton was going to an elementary school to talk aboit her job.

She gives a speech and then asks for questions. Little Timmy raised his hand and Hillary called on him.
"I have three questions. 1) What was Ben Ghazi? 2) What was the Uranium One deal? 3) What happened back in Arkansas?"
Hillary was just about to answer his question when the recess bell rang and all of the kids went outside. When they all came back in, Hillary continued with questions. Now, she pointed to little Johnny.
"Okay, I have five questions. 1) What was Ben Ghazi? 2) What was the Uranium One deal? 3) What happened back in Arkansas? 4) Why did the recess bell ring twenty minutes early? 5) Where is Little Timmy?"

An elderly priest is retiring

A catholic priest had served the church for over sixty years and finally decided that he was too old to continue the priesthood. He was giving a speech to the congregation.

"I remember when I first became a priest," he said. "I was terrified. I had never done public speaking before such a large audience before, and I was afraid I would mess up. To make matters worse, my first confession was terrible. Adultery, theft, gambling, tax fraud- luckily, it wasn't all like that."

The priest finishes his speech and sits down. Just then, the mayor walks in the door to give a closing to the ceremony.

"Sorry I'm late," he said. "The traffic was terrible. Our priest here will be dearly missed. I remember when he first became a priest. In fact, I was his first confession!"

The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech

and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Obama. They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

President Obama says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do."

The Saudi whispers "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek."

President Obama laughs and leans toward the Saudi. "It's because it takes place in the future..."

A Russian university valedictorian (from my Russian history prof)

A valedictorian at a Russian university was giving his graduation speech. As a finale, the Party Secretary who was in attendance asked the young man two rehearsed questions: "Who is your mother?"

"The Party," the young man replied.

"And who is your father?" the Party Secretary asked next.

"Lenin," the valedictorian said.

Then, unrehearsed, the Party Secretary asked a third question: "And what do you want to be when you grow up?"

"An orphan."

Stalin is giving a speech.

And someone sneezes.

Stalin: Who sneezed?
No answer.
Stalin: First row outside.
*Gunshots*
Stalin: Who sneezed?
No answer.
Stalin: Second row outside.
*Gunshots*
Stalin: Who sneezed?
Attendee, crying: "I SNEEZED!"
Stalin: Bless you!

What goes quack, quack, quack?

A junkie with a speech impediment

When Obama made his inaugural speech, they put him behind bulletproof glass.

And that's proof of the racism that still exists in America today. I mean, just because he's black, doesn't mean he was going to go and shoot everybody.

15 Year Old Teenager: "I love the US! It's the land of freedom and opportunity! We even have freedom of speech!"

CNN: "Hold my beer."

Stalin was giving a speech.

and in the middle of his speech, someone in the audience sneezed. Stalin abruptly stopped talking and asked who sneezed? But everyone was too terrified of the consequences to admit it. Stalin makes the first row of people stand up, and asks again, who sneezed? No on admits to being the one to cause this interruption. Stalin has the entire first row executed on the spot. He tells the second row to get on their feet and asks the same question. Again, no one is willing to admit fault or even tattle on their fellow comrade. Stalin has the second row executed. He then asks the third row to stand. Finally, a man comes forward and admits guilt. Stalin says "bless you" and continues on with his speech.

When is the Speech Therapy Class?

It's hard to say.

A nutritionist is giving a speech at a conference on eating healthy

Red meat is terrible for your metabolism, soda rips apart your gastric wall. Fast food is almost all fat and sugar but there's one food that is the worst of all. Almost all of us eat it sooner or later and the negative effects can last for years after a single consumption. Does anyone know what this is?
After a moment of silence an elderly specialist sitting in one of the front rows gets up and says "wedding cake"

Overhead in a country ruled by a dictator

Citizen: What happened to freedom of speech in this country?

Dictator: Freedom of speech has always been guaranteed in this country. It is freedom after speech which we can't guarantee

Paraprosdokians

*A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but they also play on the double meaning of a particular word, creating a form of syllepsis.*

Where there's a will ... I want to be in it.

I like going to the park and watching the children run around ... because they don't know I'm using blanks. (Emo Philips)

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing ... after they have tried everything else. (Winston Churchill)

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' ... I put 'DOCTOR'.

If I am reading this graph correctly ... I'd be very surprised. (Stephen Colbert)

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

I don't belong to an organized political party. I'm a Democrat. (Will Rogers)

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. (Groucho Marx)

You're never too old to learn ...something stupid.


How is a speech impediment like a box of chocolates?

It doesn't really matter, as long as it has good cocoa content.

Why aren't there any Muslims on Star Trek?

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General.
As they talked the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what i have seen in America." The General said, "well anything i can do to help"
The Iranian whispered, "my son watches this show called Star Trek and in it there is Kirk who is American, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is japanese, but there are no Muslims.
My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on Star Trek.
The General laughed, leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future...."

Stalin is into the fifth hour of his speech, when someone sneezes

***"Who sneezed!"***, he shouts.

No one answers.

***"First row, stand up"***... they obediently get on their feet.

***"Guards, shoot them"***... they're gunned down where they stood.

***"Now who sneezed?"*** ... still nothing.

***"Second row, on your feet ... guards, shoot them."***

***"Now who sneezed?"*** ... absolute silence.

***"Third row, stand up ... "***

A small backbencher gets up. He's uncontrollably sobbing.

*"I sneezed! I sneezed!!"*

Stalin stares at him and says, ***"Bless you, comrade."***

An American and a German are discussing freedom of speech.

The German says:

>Here in Germany, contrary to what a lot of you Americans think, we do have freedom of speech. Everyone here hates Putin, but I could walk right up to the Bundestag and proclaim: "I love Vladimir Putin!" And I wouldn't even be arrested!

The American replies:

>Ah, yes, but in the USA we're even freer. I could walk right up to the White House and shout "I love Vladimir Putin"... and they'd let me in!

Two patients are sitting in a waiting room.

One of the patients, who has a speech impairment, asks the other patient,
"H-h-hi t-there. W-w-what are y-you here f-f-for?"
The other replies, "I have an issue with my prostate."
"W-w-what's the p-problem?"
The other answers, "Well, the way you talk is the way I pee."

What does an Italian have if he's born with one arm shorter than the other ?

A speech impediment.

With the situation in Ukraine...

Putin is giving a speech to his people
- My people, due Wests sanctions we'll need to tighten our belts and work harder!
Voice from the crowd:
- We will work two shifts!
- Thank you, you must be real patriot of our country! And we'll have to give up western goods and production!
- We will work three shifts!
- Such patriotism for country! By the way what's your occupation?
- I work at morgue...

7 mildly offensive jokes

**What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? **

A speech impediment.

**What's the Cuban National Anthem? **

Row row row your boat.

**What's the fastest way to a man's heart? **

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

**Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby? **

They named him Sum Ting Wong.

**Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking? **

Because those men already have boyfriends.

**What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? **

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

**What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? **

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Stalin is delivering a speech to the Party

Suddenly someone sneezes.
- Who's just sneezed?
No answer.
- Execute the first row. Who's sneezed, I ask you?
No answer.
- Execute the second row. So who of you has just sneezed?
Finally a shaking man raises and utters feebly:
- It's me, Comrade Stalin.
- Bless you! Now, back to the topic...

There was freedom of speech in the Soviet Union, just like in USA

You can stand in front of the White House and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished.
Equally, you can also stand in Red Square in Moscow and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished.

The best days of my life.....

An Inspirational speaker said:
"The best days of my life were the days I spent with another man's wife".
Audience were in shock and silence.
He added: "and she is my mother".
A big round of applause and laughter followed.
One Man who listened to the speech decided to crack this at home.
At dinner, he said to his wife: the best days of my life were the days I spent with another man's wife....
After a moment he tried to recall the second line......
By the time he regained his senses, he was on hospital bed, recovering from burns of hot soup poured by his wife.
MORAL LESSON: Don't copy if you cannot paste.

People are giving Hillary too much flak for fainting

I mean come on, it was 92 degrees out there, how can you expect an older women to withstand 102 degree heat. I'd like to see you give a speech in 112 degree heat and see if you can make it as far as her.

Einsteinium

Albert Einstein used to go to dinners where he was invited to give a speech. One day, on his way to one of those dinners, he told his chauffeur (who looked exactly like him) that he was dead tired of giving the same speech, dinner after dinner.

"Well," said the chaffeur, "I've got a good idea. Why don't I give the speech since I've heard it so many times?'' So Albert's chauffeur gave the speech perfectly and even answered a few questions. Then, a professor stood up and asked him a really tough question about anti-matter which the chauffeur couldn't answer

"Sir, the answer to your question is so easy that I'll let my chauffeur answer it!"

Old USSR joke about free speech

In America you have freedom of speech. You can stand in front of the White House and say: "Reagan Sucks."

In Soviet Russia, you also have freedom of speech. You can stand in front of the Kremlin and say: "Reagan Sucks."

A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He's very nervous and doesn't say much.

As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!

After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.

The groom approaches the him and asks, "why are you so shy? You seemed like a different person when you were giving that speech!"

"I know..." Says the priest, "but that was just my altar ego".

Donald Trump is giving a speech at an elementary school

He is trying to explain to these young children what a tragedy is. A young boy asks if his parents dying from a terrible illness is a tragedy.

"No," Trump replies, "I would consider that a great loss"

A young girl asks if a train derailing, killing all 250 people onbard would be a tragedy.

"No, that is what you call an accident." Trump again replies.
"Look, say if I was flying in my presidential jet, and it crashed and I died, then that would be a tragedy."

A little girl responds, "Well I agree, it certainly would be no great loss, nor would it be an accident."

I went to a High School pep rally....

The principal had announced earlier that day that he would make an inspirational speech for us. At the rally, he walked up to the microphone for his speech. But, all he did was look at the crowd, smiled, and stepped down.

We were left speechless.

An American patriot with amputated arms decides to replace them.

He obtains a pair of grizzly bear arms from a black market, and attaches them on his own, with the help of a friend.

He is arrested for contribution to animal cruelty and performing medical procedures unlicensed.

When taken to court, he gives a speech defending his right to bear arms.

Stalin is giving a speech ...

All of a sudden, someone sneezes. He stops talking.

"Who sneezed ?"

Silence. Everyone is looking at their feet.

"Who sneezed ? If you don't answer, I'll gun down the front row."

Nobody speaks. He gives an order, and the entire front row is executed.

"Who sneezed ?"

Silence. The second row is being executed. The third row is being gunned down. The fourth row is being executed. A very old man steps up, he raises a hand.

"I sneezed."

Stalin looks at him.

"Bless you. So, as I was saying..."

My parents have a serious speech impediment problem

They could never say I love you

Thor came down to Earth from Asgard

Thor goes to a singles bar to have a drink, and sees a beautiful girl he'd like to make love to. He goes over to buy her a drink, and she has a slight speech impediment, but Thor doesn't care because she is so beautiful and sexy.

They leave the bar, and go to her apartment, and proceed to have 8 hours of fantastic sex, every which way possible.

In the morning, he feels just a bit guilty, and decides to confess who he is to the woman.

"I have to tell you something, I'm really Thor"

She turns to him and says "YOU'RE THOR? I AM SO THOR I CAN'T EVEN PEE!"

Joseph Stalin is giving a speech to his army.

When all of the sudden in the midst of a paticularly moving segment, he hears a loud, uproarious sneeze coming from amongst the crowd. Stalin stops speaking, glares at the soldiers, becomes very visibly annoyed, and says "Who sneezed?..."

All of the soldiers don't say anything, some of them start to sweat and others nervously glance around. After a brief moment Stalin motions towards a few soldiers with him on the stage. "Execute the first row..." he commands, and the soldiers on stage begin opening fire at the first row of troops on the ground.

"I'll ask again, who sneezed?" says Stalin. Another pause, and no one speaks up. Finally Stalin says "Execute the..." but before he can finish, a soldier about 4 rows back raises his hand and says "It was me General Secretary Stalin! I'm the one who sneezed."

Stalin then stares cold and hard at the soldier who spoke up for an uncomfortable amount of time, before he leans towards his microphone and says "Bless you."

I got kicked out of my book club meeting because I tried to review Tommy Wiseau's book adaptation of his movie despite never actually having read it.

I should have noticed how irritated the crowd was getting at my inaccurate speech, but I didn't read The Room.

In North Korea, you actually do get freedom of speech.

Just not freedom *after* your speech.

A roman senator is running late to an important senate meeting....

He arrives 15 minutes late and enters to see each seat filled, with the exception of his own, and Cicero standing in the middle of the room giving a speech.

He manages to stealthily make his way to his seat without causing too much of a commotion and leans over to the senator next to him, asking in a hushed tone, "hey, what's Cicero talking about?"

The other senator simply shrugs and whispers back, "I don't know, he hasn't gotten to the verb yet"

How to make Speech jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Speech to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Speech? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Speech pick up lines to share with friends.

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