speech Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious speech puns

My eight year old nephew said he had a joke:

What did the ant say to the other ant?
I dunno, what?
Nothing, ants communicate using pheromones, not speech.
Yeah, that's not really a joke kid.
He was quiet for a moment, and looked at the ground. It's an ant-y joke, asshole.


A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks: 'Why the long face?''

The horse, incapable of human speech, shits on the floor and leaves.


America is racist

When Barack Obama gives his speech, he stands behind a bulletproof glass . That shows how racist America still is.

Just because he's black, doesn't mean he's going to shoot anyone

Thanks Frankie Boyle


Fidel Castro was a cigar-smoking, repressive leader who hated free speech and a free press.

Donald Trump, in comparison, doesn't smoke.


In 1940 Goebbels made a speech...

Proclaiming that the Swastika was an example of the Golden Ratio.

Turns out it was a fibbin' Nazi...


Obvious media bias

Michelle Obama gives a speech when her husband is being nominated, and the media is generally positive. Melania Trump gives the exact same speech, and the media pretends it's some kind of scandal.


This speech will be very hard for Hillary Clinton...

She isn't getting paid for it


What do you call an Italian with a broken arm?

Speech impaired.


My 8 Year Old Nephew Had A Joke To Say

What did the ant say to the other ant?
I dunno, what?
Nothing, ants communicate using pheromones, not speech.
Yeah, that's not really a joke kid.
He was quiet for a moment, and looked at the ground. It's an ant-y joke, asshole.


It's WW1 on the straits of Gallipoli, the soldiers are ready to charge from their trenches.

The british officers decides to make a rousing speech to his troops: "Listen here lads, did you come here to die?" and the australian answers "Nah mate, I came 'ere yesterday!"


A man is asked to give a speech on rape...

He stands up and says "Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure..."

Then sat down.


A pilot forgets to turn off his speaker after his speech...

After switching to auto pilot, he stretches, turns to his co-pilot and says:

"Finally I can take a huge dump, then I'll fuck that blonde flight attendant."

Hearing this, young flight attendant starts to run through the aisle to warn pilot about the speaker, but she stumbles and falls, next to an old woman. Woman puts her hand on flight attendant's shoulder and says:

"Don't rush young lady, let him take a dump first..."


11 Blondes and a brunette

There are 12 people hanging onto a rope that comes down from an airplane. 11 of them are blonde, and one is a brunette. They all decide that one person should get off because if they don't, the rope will break and everyone will die. No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a very touching speech, ending with the words, "I'll get off." The blondes, all moved by the brunette's speech, start clapping. Problem solved.


Mini-Skirt Speech

My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!


What does an Italian have when he is missing one arm?

A severe speech impediment.


A microwave and a refrigerator get married. Who gives the speech?

The Toaster.


An American boasts to a Soviet about the freedom of speech he has.

He says, "I can literally walk up to the oval office and say, 'President Reagan, I don't like the way you are running this country' and I won't get into any problem at all!"

The Soviet replies, "I can do the exact same, too. I too can literally walk up to the Red Square and say, 'Comrade Brezhnev, I don't like the way President Reagan is running this country' and not get into any problem!"


In his victory speech last night president Obama told his daughters they wouldn't be getting another dog.

When asked why the president said, "Because I just made Mitt Romney my bitch"

- from Conan last night


Michelle Obama gave a great speech last night

I can't wait to hear it again at the next Republican National Convention.


Sleeping with POTUS

The night before the election, Mitt Romney was very confident & told his Wife Ann; "...this time tomorrow night, you'll be sleeping with the
President of the United States". After Mitt's concession speech, they headed to bed. Ann was getting undressed when she asked,.."...so how does this work? Is Barrack coming over here or I'm supposed
to go over there?"


Ancient Soviet joke

Guy turns on the TV and there's Brezhnev making a speech. He changes the channel, there's Brezhnev again, and tries again and on the next channel is a KGB officer saying - 'You'd better stop changing channels'.


A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees...

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."


An elderly couple was listening ...

...to a religious revival on the radio. The preacher ended his stirring speech by saying "God wants to heal you all. Just stand up, put your hand on the radio, then place the other hand on the part of your body that is sick."

The old woman tottered to her feet, put one hand on the radio and the other on her arthritic leg. The old man put one hand on the radio and the other on his cock.

The old woman sanpped at him "Fred, the preacher said God would heal the sick, not raise the dead!"


Since we seem to be doing talking dog jokes today...

A man walks into a talent agency, carrying a small, scruffy looking dog. He sets the dog on the agent's desk and begins his speech:

"Sir, I have for you the most amazing act. This dog can speak. And not only can he speak, he's one of the most intelligent dogs you'll ever meet. Allow me to demonstrate: Dog, what is on the top of a house?"

"Roof!" Says the dog.

"Amazing! Dog: what is the opposite of smooth?"

"Roof!" the dog replies.

"Incredible! Dog: who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?"

Again, the dog says "Roof!"

"Remarkable! So what do you think?"

The agent leans back in his chair and says "Get lost. I can't sell that carny act."

Outside the agent's office, the dog looks up at the man and says "Maybe I should have said DiMaggio?"


I'm speechless

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine."


A little boy asks his father why they say gardeners have green thumbs...

The father replies "That's just a figure of speech. You know, like when someone is stealing and they are caught red handed, but their hands are really black."


What do you call an Italian with one arm?

Speech impaired.


This is why midgets with lisps don't buy horses.

This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend" I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse, I'm sending him over." The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse." A female horth," the midget replies. So the owner shows him one." Nith looking horth, can I see thea her mouth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horses mouth." Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes." Ok, what about the earsth?" Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears." OK, finally, I'd like to see her twat," said the midget. With that, the owner picked up the midget and shoved his head up the horse's twat, then pulled him out.Shaking his head, the midget says, "perhapth I should rephrase. I'd like to see her run!"


A midget with a speech impediment

goes to buy a horse at a ranch and the rancher asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

"A female horth."
He shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?"
The rancher picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?"
He picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?"
The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks
him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat?"
Totally mad as hell at this point, the rancher grabs him under his
arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I thould rephrathe that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit"?


What's 18 inches long and never gets used?

Leonardo DiCaprio's acceptance speech.


A Russian Joke.

Stalin is giving a speech when he hears someone sneeze. He stops mid-sentence and asks the first row, "who sneezed?"

Nobody answers.

Stalin executes the first row. Now, everyone is getting nervous.

Stalin addresses the second row. "Who sneezed?" he asks, becoming visibly upset.

Still, nobody answers. Everyone is much too scared to reply.

Stalin executes the second row.

"Who sneezed!?" Stalin booms. He is angry now.

Finally, after many moments of silence, a young and timid Russian soldier raises his hand. Stalin turns to the soldier and says,

"Bless you."


Parish priest

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."....

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the FIRST ONE to go to him in Confession."


Interruption of the speech of Comrade Stalin

Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes.

"Who sneezed?" (Silence.)

"First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Applause.)

"Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Long, loud applause.)

"Who sneezed?" (Silence.) ...

A dejected voice in the back: "It was me" (Sobs.)

Stalin leans forward: "Bless you, comrade!"

Thanks to allrussias for glorious joke!


An elderly senator is sitting in a chair quietly when he is supposed to be giving a speech...

His friend walks up to him and asks him, "Senator, why are you so quiet today?" The senator whispers to him "I accidentally left my teeth at home, can you go fetch them for me?" His friend agrees and gets his teeth.

Once the senator got his teeth, he started his speech. normally, he would go on for no more than half an hour, but this time, he was babbling on and on for over 1 hour and 45 minutes! Once the senator finished, his friend went up to him and asked him "senator, why did you talk for such a long time? You are usually very brief." The senator replies "It's your fault, you gave me my wife's teeth!"


First-year med-students in their first anatomy class...

It is the first day of medical school, and the doctor in charge of the new class has all the new students gather in the main lecture hall for the orientation. Taking his place in front of the group, he starts his speech.

"In order to succeed in the world of medicine, you must first master two things" he says, scanning his eyes across the room.

"The first: you must be completely comfortable with anything on, in, or around the human body" and with this utterance dramatically whips the sheet off of a cadaver that has been laid face down on the table in front of him. He then, to the amazement of the medical students gathered in front of him proceeds to shove a finger into the cadavers anus, pulls the finger out, and then puts a finger into his mouth.

"To impress upon you how important this is, I will now require that all of you form a line, walk up to the cadaver, and then do precisely as I have just done. Any person who find themselves unwilling to attempt this will automatically fail the program. If you don't think that you can handle it, the door is over there". After a minute of shocked murmuring, the students make their decision. A handful head to the door but the large majority of them form a line and proceed to mimic their instructor.

After the students have finished and sat down, the doctor continues with his speech. "The second thing that you must master is this: pay attention to each and every detail, let none escape your notice. Needless to say, all of you have a great deal of work to do in this. I am appalled that not a single, solitary one of you noticed that I stuck my index finger into the cadaver's rectum, but my middle finger into my mouth".


What are the most funny Speech jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Speech? Well, here are the best Speech dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Speech pick up lines to share with friends.

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