Speak Jokes
148 speak jokes and hilarious speak puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about speak that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover how to add a little bit of humor to your communications! This article looks at how to use corporate speak in a funny way to keep conversations light and make them more enjoyable. Learn the dos and don'ts of using jokes in chats, talks, and other communication outlets.
Quick Jump To
- Short Speak Jokes
- Speak One Liners
- Speak English Jokes
- Speak Fluent Jokes
- Unable Speak Jokes
- More Speak Jokes
Funniest Speak Short Jokes
Short speak jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The speak humour may include short spoken jokes also.
- The doctor said my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again. I can't tell you how upset I am.
- My wife asked for something shiny that goes from 0 - 200 in five seconds or less for our anniversary... I bought her a scale. We're still not speaking.
- Jesus drove a Honda, but never spoke of it. "For I speak not of my own Accord" - John 12:49
- I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf... So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.
I told my mother that my new girl friend is disabled. Now we wait. - What kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christler. Oh no. Wait.. He drove a Honda.
But he didn't like talking about it.
John 12:49 :
> For I did not speak of my own Accord. - When I was a kid my mom used to say " Perdon my French" when she said any bad word. I'll never forget the day in school when my teacher ask if could speak French.
- When a kid says When a kid says " Daddy, I want mommy", that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."
- If someone who speaks three languages is called trilingual and someone who speaks two languages is called bilingual, what do you call someone who speaks only one language? American
- My biology teacher grew human vocal chords from stem cells in the lab, the results... ... speak for themselves
- If someone who speaks 2 languages is Bilingual, whats someone who speaks 1 called? American.
Share These Speak Jokes With Friends
Speak One Liners
Which speak one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with speak? I can suggest the ones about speech and talks.
- This is your captain speaking AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING .
- My girlfriend says I'm way too condescending… (That means I speak down to people)
- What do you call a group of confused spanish speaking racists? The ¿Qué Qué Qué?
- I can make you speak Irish Say "Whale oil beef hooked" quickly
- What language does the post office at Hogwarts speak? Parceltongue
- in mexico, we don't say "I love you" cause we dont speak english.
- I accidentally sprayed my deodorant into my mouth. Now I speak with this weird axe scent.
- Just heard my son speak his first words where were you the last 14 years
- My wife says I'm way too condescending (That means I speak down to people)
- Why couldn't the apple speak to the orange ? because he didn't know Mandarin
- What language do Asian Karen's speak? Demandarin.
- I replaced my best friend's lipstick with super glue. She's not speaking to me
- The more you weigh, the more attractive you are. Gravitationally speaking.
- What language does your stomach speak? hungarian!
- My friend takes helium recreationally. He speaks very highly about it.
Speak English Jokes
Here is a list of funny speak english jokes and even better speak english puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- When I was in Japan I was asked by a woman on the train, "What's black and white and red all over?" "Wow" I replied. "You speak English?"
She replied, "Just a riddle". - When Kim Jong-Un met Donald Trump some questioned whether he could actually speak English It has now been reported that Trump actually managed several sentences in almost fluent English.
- While I was living in Japan a woman approached me on the train... She said to me, "What's black and white and red all over?"
"Wow," I said, "You can speak English?"
"Just a riddle," she said. - i told my cat i was gonna teach him to speak English ... he looked at me & said "Me? how?"
- What's the difference between a German and a Scot? The German knows when he's not speaking English.
- Don't be racist; be like Mario He's an Italian plumber, made by Asians, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, runs like a black man and grabs coins like a jew.
- I told my cat I'm going to teach him to speak English... He looked at me and said, "Me? How"....
- I can speak 10 languages. English and Binary
- I said to my English speaking girlfriend, Today I meet a guy who posts on Reddit. That's 'met a', she replied.
- I used to own a Raven in Boston It could speak English, but the only word it knew was "Car"
Speak Fluent Jokes
Here is a list of funny speak fluent jokes and even better speak fluent puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Believe it or not i can actually speak fluent French I surrender!
- The French I can speak fluent french, watch this... "I Surrender"
- I asked my Spanish-speaking friend what "no se" meant. He replied, "I don't know."
I said "I thought you were fluent in Spanish!" - I don't want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin I mean, I'm not fluent, but I'm sure if I ever went there, I could get by.
- Interspecies communication breakthrough! I just sat on the toilet and realized my b**... speaks fluent Humpback Whale!
Unable Speak Jokes
Here is a list of funny unable speak jokes and even better unable speak puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a cat that is unable to speak? Mewt
- A woman on discord found herself unable to speak, except for when she went into labor Turns out her settings were on 'push to talk'
Share Hilarious Speak Jokes and Enjoy Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about speak you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean communicate jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make speak pranks.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving her permission to speak.
Tom went to the Police Station
Tom went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
You'll get your chance in court. said the Desk Sergeant.
No, no no! said Tom. I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!
My wife isn't speaking to me.
A man walks into a bar,looking all bummed out, and orders a drink. After a few minutes he orders another. About thirty minutes later he orders a few more drinks.
The bartenders asks," Dude you look really depressed. Is everything okay?"
The man explains," My wife and I got into big fight. She says she won't speak to me for 31 days."
The bartender asks," Well isn' t that a good thing."
The man replies," Sadly, tonight's the last night."
I said to my girlfriend.....
I said to my girlfriend, "Now remember, my mother is very old, so speak nice and slow and very loud."
Then I said to my perfectly capable mother, "By the way, my girlfriend is slightly r**...."
What fun that was...
The two troublemakers
A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.
So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.
The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"
The first rule of thesaurus club is...
You do not talk, speak, communicate, orate, or converse about thesaurus club
Since we seem to be doing talking dog jokes today...
A man walks into a talent agency, carrying a small, scruffy looking dog. He sets the dog on the agent's desk and begins his speech:
"Sir, I have for you the most amazing act. This dog can speak. And not only can he speak, he's one of the most intelligent dogs you'll ever meet. Allow me to demonstrate: Dog, what is on the top of a house?"
"Roof!" Says the dog.
"Amazing! Dog: what is the opposite of smooth?"
"Roof!" the dog replies.
"Incredible! Dog: who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?"
Again, the dog says "Roof!"
"Remarkable! So what do you think?"
The agent leans back in his chair and says "Get lost. I can't sell that carny act."
Outside the agent's office, the dog looks up at the man and says "Maybe I should have said DiMaggio?"
Speaking in German in Texas
In Texas, there is a town named New Braunfels, where there is a large
German-speaking population.
One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his
hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.
The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser
nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen." (Translated: "Glad to meet you!
Don't drink the water. The cows have crapped in it.")
The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for
Obama's health care plan. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."
The rancher replied: "Use both hands."
The Elusive Midget Nun
Two Eskimos, a big one and a little one, walk up to the convent door. The big one nudges the little one and says, Go ahead, knock on the door, knock on the door.
The Mother Superior answers the door. Again, the big Eskimo nudges the little one and says, Go ahead, ask her the question, ask her the question.
The little Eskimo timidly says, May we speak with the midget nun that lives here please?
The Mother Superior answers, There are no midget nuns living here.
The big Eskimo starts nudging the little one again and says, Go ahead, ask her the other question, ask her the other question.
The little Eskimo asks in a quavering voice, Well, are there any midget nuns in Alaska?
The Mother Superior responds uncertainly, I know most of the nuns in Alaska and I don't believe so.
With this the big Eskimo falls down and rolls on the ground, clutching his belly as he laughs uncontrollably. See, he says to the little Eskimo, I told you that you s**... a penguin!
no idea!
I told my boyfriend that my mom is old so she
needs to speak slowly and loud. Then I told
my mom my boyfriend is r**.... They have
no idea!
So, an infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar...
The first mathematician orders a pint. The second orders half a pint. The third orders a quarter, the fourth orders an eighth, and the fifth orders a sixteenth. The sixth mathematician is about to speak up when the bartender interrupts him and puts two pints on the bar, saying "You guys don't know your limits."
Five guys in an audi Quattro...
...arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian customs officer stops them and says,
"It'sa i**... to p**... five people in a Quattro."
"What are you talking about?" the driver asked.
"Quattro meansa four, and you are five-a people."
"Quattro is just the name of the car."
"Don'ta think you can fool me! Quattro meansa four and you are five-a people, you are breakinga the law."
"You idiot! Call your supervisor, I need to speak with someone with more intelligence!"
"He can'ta come."
"Why not?"
"He'sa busy witha two guys in an Uno."
Terrifying Story
A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window. The startled passenger said "I didn't mean to frighten you, just wanted to ask you something." Taxi driver says "Not your fault Sir. It's my first day as a cab driver, I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years".
A drunk enters...
...a confessional booth. The priest is waiting for the sinner to speak up, but the drunk doesn't say a word. After a while the priest coughs... nothing... he coughs again... nothing. The priest was patient until now, but enough is enough: he starts b**... on the wooden grid. The drunk finally speaks up:
"You're knocking to no avail, buddy... there ain't any toilet paper here either..."
A priest started his Sunday sermon by saying...
... "Today's sermon is going to be about 'liars'. How many of you have read the 69th chapter of the gospel according to St Matthew? "
Nearly everyone raised their hands.
"You are exactly the people I want speak to. There is no 69th chapter of the gospel according to St Matthew."
Why do golf commentators speak softly?
To not wake the audience.
So my girlfriend and my mom have never met...
So I told my girlfriend that my mother is deaf, so she will need to speak slowly and loudly for her to understand you. I then called my mom and told her to be nice, cause my girlfriend is r**.... Boy it's going to be a fun Thanksgiving this year!
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish.
The results speak for themselves.
Told my GF: We haven't had s**... for almost a month.
She replied: Speak for yourself.
I have a really good relatipnship with the elevator operator.
We speak to eachother on so many different levels.
First Rule of Thesaurus Club:
You don't talk, discuss, converse, speak, chat, confer, deliberate, gab, or gossip about Thesaurus Club.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...
The first mathematician orders a beer. The second mathematician orders half a beer. The third mathematician orders a quarter of a beer. The fourth mathematician orders an eighth of a beer. Before the next one can speak, the rather annoyed bartender slams two beers down on the bar and says, "You guys really need to learn your limits!"
speak, three languages you are trilingual, two, bi-lingual, what do they call you if you only speak one language?
American
My girlfriend treats me like I'm God
She ignores my existence and doesn't ever speak to me.
My boss phoned me and he wasn't happy.
"You're late!" he yelled. "We've got an important meeting in ten minutes!"
I said, "I'm on my way to my car as we speak."
He said, "Do you think you'll make it?"
I said, "Probably, it's only a few feet away."
Jesus drove a Honda, but nobody knew about it.
For I did not speak of my own accord. - John 12:49
Obama, Putin and Merkel discuss their submarines.
All three are sitting at a resort by the seaside, and are arguing.
Obama begins by saying "American submarines are the best in the world, they can go for weeks without needing supplies!"
Putin laughs and tell them "s**... globalists. Russian submarines are best in world, they go MONTHS without refueling."
Merkel opens her mouth to speak, when a submarine rises out of the water. A man opens the hatch and shouts "Heil h**...! We need fuel!"
I was speaking to a computer technician.
"How do you make a motherboard?" I asked him.
He said, "Tell her about my job."
4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!
I really hate babies.
A man goes to Japan on business and hires a p**....
He doesn't speak any Japanese and she barely speaks any English. While they are going at it she yells out, "Gama Su! Gama Su!" Knowing that she has been satisfied he goes to bed.
The next day he plays golf and one of his associates gets a hole in one. Everyone goes crazy, so to enjoy in the excitement he yells, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"
Everybody goes silent and one of his Japanese associates says, "What do you mean wrong hole?"
A new hot secretary joined a company...
Two guys of this company start to speak about her:
"Holy molly she is so hot, we should really try to sleep with her"
So they start flirting with her.
One week later, the first one manages to sleep with her. His friend asks him "So, how was it?" "Meh, my wife is better".
Surprised by this answer, this guy starts to hit on the secretary very hard, and gets to have s**... with her three days later.
His friend then asks him if he shares his opinion. He answers: "Yeah, you were actually right: your wife is better".
If you speak two languages you're bilingual, if you speak four languages you're quadrilingual, if you speak one language...
you're American.
What's the difference between a r**... and E.T.?
E.T. could speak English and wanted to go home.
An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first says, I'll have a beer. The second says, I'll have half a beer. The third says, I'll have a quarter of a beer. Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. Come on, now, he says to the group, You guys have got to learn your limits.
Once I got kicked out of a library for being a mime.
Because actions speak louder than words
The first rule about Thesaurus club is
that you do not talk, speak, prattle, whisper, chatter, mumble, rant, articulate, babble, describe, divulge, drone, confer, deliberate, squeal, or converse about Thesaurus Club.
Bringing her home to meet mother
I told my new girlfriend that my mother was very hard of hearing and that she should speak loud and slow. I told my mother that my girlfriend was mentally challenged and to please be polite.
I'm looking forward to Christmas dinner.
If someone who speaks two languages is bilingual, and someone who speaks three languages is trilingual, what do you call someone who speaks only one language?
American.
I'm introducing my girlfriend to my parents for the first time tonight
I told my girlfriend my parents were partially deaf, so she has to speak loud and slow. I told my parents my girlfriend is r**........this should be an interesting night.
Friend who lives in Russia told me this joke
(English isn't my first language, sorry if the translation isn't the best)
The phone rings at 10 Downing Street.
- Hello, mister Putin would like to speak with Theresa May.
- I'm afraid she's currently sleeping.
- Very well, if she wakes up please tell her that mister Putin would like to talk to her.
- Will do.
- Thank you. *hangs up*
- Wait. What do you mean "if"?
My dad would swear and then say, "Excuse my French"
One day the teacher asked if anyone could speak a foreign language and I raised my hand.
A sad man at the bar
A man sat at a bar looking really depressed. Why the long face? asked the bartender
Well, my wife got mad at me and wouldn't speak to me for a month.
What! That's a blessing in disguise! You'll get peace and quiet for a whole month, said the bartender.
The problem is, replied the man, today's the last day.
I ran my car into a pole late last night
The worst part was the awful sound it made, but I don't speak polish so I just kept driving
I told my girlfriend that mom is deaf, so be sure to speak loud and slow…
Told mom that my girlfriend is r**...…
Old German joke
An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, The soup is cold."
His astonished mother exclaimed, Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"
The boy looked at her and replied, Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."
If you speak three languages you are trilingual, two languages bilingual and if you speak but one language you are...
An American
An anti-vaxxer, an entitled woman, and a Karen walk into a bar
She demands to speak to the manager
If you speak three languages you are trilingual. If you speak two languages you are bilingual. But what do you call someone who speaks one language?
American
If you speak 3 languages you're trilingual; if you speak 2 languages you're bilingual
If you speak 1 language you're American
Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc on her keyboard?
Because she wanted to speak to the Task Manager!
My dad died, and I wanted to talk to him in the afterlife.
So I went to a woman who could speak with the dead. I told her my situation, and described my dad. She went into a trance and, after a few moments, said "I'm communing with your father."
Then she smiled, so I punched her.
"What did you do that for?!" she demanded, shocked.
"It's what my dad would have wanted," I told her. "He always said it's important to strike a happy medium."
A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead: "I'm afraid he died last week," she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you," the wife replies, "he died last week." The day after he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts: "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"
"Cos" He replies laughing, "I just love hearing it..."
What language do squids speak?
Inklish.
*A joke my really high bf just made, we don't know if it's been said before but here it is anyway*
A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.
What are you reading, old man? he asks.
I'm learning Hebrew, comrade, replies the old Jew.
The KGB agent asks, What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.
I'm learning Hebrew for when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham, replies the old man.
How do you know you're going to heaven? What if you go to h**...? asks the KGB agent.
I already speak Russian."
Why don't A.I. engineers need a resume?
They just let their projects speak for themselves.
Due to the recent cutbacks caused by the coronavirus Bruce was told he had to terminate one of his compliance managers.
Alice and Jack we're both exemplary employees and he honestly had no idea which one he would get rid of, but being an honest man he decided he'd speak to them both ahead of time thinking that it might help him make his decision. He called in Alice first and he said listen, I've either got to lay you or j**.... Without batting an eye she responded "you better j**..., I have a terrible headache."
The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.
The Pope says to Trump, Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!
Trump replies, I seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Show me!
So the Pope slapped him.
Every day as i walk to the bus stop I speak with a 93 year old man with alzheimers who sits on his rocking chair looking over his yard with a concerned expression.
He musters his strength and calls out to me "hey.. have y-you seen m-my wife?" And every day i have to tell him "I'm so sorry.. your wife has passed away 10 years ago". Ive considered not telling him but my mornings always feel better after I see the look of sheer joy on his face.
Cheaper Pub in the World
Guy walks into a pub and asks the bar man for a pint;
‟That will be $0.05 please sir .
‟Wow, in that case I will have a shot of whisky too
‟Certainly, that will be $0.03 sir .
‟Damnnn, OK and a packet of crisps .
‟0.01 please sir, $0.08 all together .
‟This is astonishing, can I speak to the owner of this place, I would like to thank him .
‟Oh, not just now, he is busy, he is upstairs with my wife .
‟...What is he doing upstairs with your wife?
‟Same thing I'm doing down here with his business .
Joe Biden and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.
As they are waving to everyone, Biden leans towards Trump saying,
Did you know, that with one little wave of my hand, I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? Also, this joy will not be merely a momentary display, like that of your followers, but will go deep into their hearts, and for the rest of their lives, whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!
Trump replies, I seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Come on, show me!
So Biden slapped him.
A man was dumping toxic waste into a river.
Suddenly, the sky darkened, lightning flashed, and a glowing woman appeared, hovering above the river.
**"For your crimes, I curse you to only speak in words related to water!",** she intoned, and then vanished in another flash of lightning.
The man stood, shocked, before gathering his wits and muttering, "Well dam".
If your partner confesses that they cheated on you......
If your partner confesses that they cheated on you, I know the temptation is to ask, with who?
But that's inappropriate. Avoid it.
Instead ask, with whom? It is important to speak good English.
Concerned when one of his most reliable workers doesn't show up, the boss calls the employee's home.
The phone is answered by a giggling child.
"Is your dad home?" the boss asks.
"Yes."
"May I speak to him?"
"No."
"Well can I speak to your mom?"
"No, she's with the policeman."
Alarmed, the boss says, "Gosh. Well then, may I speak with the policeman?"
"No. He's busy talking to the man in the helicopter that's bringing in the search team."
"My Lord!" says the boss, now really worried. "What are they searching for?"
"Me." the kid chortles.
A German boy never uttered a single word growing up.
Then ,one day, aged 5, while sitting at breakfast, he looked up from his plate and said in perfect German - 'The toast is burnt'...to which the family were amazed at. 'You can speak, that's amazing, why have you never spoken until now?'
He replied: 'There was nothing wrong until now'
Speaking of a big fat b**...!
A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet.
"My cat is very fat, she says.
"Alright," says the vet. "I will look at him."
The vet picks up the cat and examines its teeth. Then she looks at its eyes. Then into its ears.
Finally, she turns to the girl and says, I'm very sorry. I'm going to have to put your cat down."
"Oh no! Because he's so fat?"
"Yes, says the doctor. My arms are very tired."
