speaking Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious speaking puns

This is your captain speaking

AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING .

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My wife asked for something shiny that goes from 0 - 200 in five seconds or less for our anniversary...

I bought her a scale. We're still not speaking.

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Out in space two alien life forms are speaking with each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."
The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves."

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A man walks into a bar and notices two fat women.

They had obviously been drinking a lot, and were speaking loudly with heavy accents. After an hour he becomes annoyed with the noise, walks over to them and asks, "I'm sorry to interrupt, but are you two ladies from Scotland?"

"Wales, you idiot!", shouts the fattest one.

"I'm sorry," he says. "Are you two whales from Scotland?"

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An Arab boy is speaking with his father.

Father, why do we wear these shawls on our head?

To keep the harsh sun off our scalp He answers.

What about these long robes father?

To protect us from the blistering wind that carries stinging sand. Father says patiently.

And our sandals?

To shield our feet from the searing rocks of course.

Then why the fuck do we live in England, father?

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What do you call a group of confused Spanish speaking racists?

The ¿Qué Qué Qué?

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A woman and a man are lying in bed

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.

She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up and the man asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

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A man is drunk in a bar,

Across the bar he sees three heavy set women, speaking with Scottish sounding accents. He makes his way to the women and asks; "Excuse me, are you ladies from Scotland?" The first women gets mad and yells "It's Wales, you ass! Wales!" The man the replies. "I'm sorry, are you three whales from Scotland?"

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Girls from England?

A guy walks into a bar and hears two women speaking in a British accent. He asks, "Are you ladies from England?" One says to him "No, it's Wales, you idiot!" So, then the guy says, "Okay, sorry. So, are you two whales from England?"

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..Trump said "Buy american, Hire american"

Standing on an Ikea podium from *Sweden*, behind bullet proof by Saint Gobain Glass from *France*, smiling at a 4K Sony *Japanese* Video camera, speaking into a Dolby Sennheiser *German* microphone, with vigorous hand gestures giving a glimpse of a Rolex under the cuff made in *Switzerland*

he patriotically said ..*"Buy American, Hire American, Stop Immigrants".* while standing beside a *Slovenian wife*

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A man goes to his Rabbi

"Rabbi, I think my wife is trying to poison me!"

"Very interesting," says the Rabbi. "Let me go and talk to her and see what I can find out."

A few hours later the Rabbi calls the man up.

"I've spent several hours speaking with your wife," he says.

"What should I do?" the man asked.

"Take the poison."

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A thousand years is a minute to God

A man was speaking to God and he asked him, "God is it true that to you a thousand years is a minute?"
"That's true," God replied.
"And is it true that to you $1,000,000 is like a penny?"
"That's true," God said.
"Well, you see I'm a poor man and I was wondering if you could give me a penny," asked the man.
"Sure," said God, "in a minute."

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The country would be a lot better off if the South had won the war.....

...General Lee speaking

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A guy meets his buddy at the bar.

He says, "I don't want to brag, but when I walked in, those two girls by the door looked at me, then both said to each other, 'nine' ". His buddy said, "Really? When I walked in, they were speaking German!"

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Out in space, two alien life forms are speaking with each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the earth planet appear to have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves."

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So I tried Colgate for the first time.. was not impressed-

The tube said 'Guaranteed whiteness in 3 brushes". 3 brushes later, I'm still Asian.

(Speaking of still Asians, my grandma's a quadriplegic. She's a pretty still Asian)

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I was speaking to a computer technician.

"How do you make a motherboard?" I asked him.

He said, "Tell her about my job."

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A man walks into a bar and spies two lovely women sitting by the entrance...

As he walks towards the bar, he sees one tap the other shoulder and point at him. She looks him up and down and says "9", followed by giggling. The man goes over to his buddy and boasts that the two lovely ladies by the entrance had said he was a 9.

"Yeah, sorry man, but when I walked in they were speaking German."

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The fact that president Obama needs four inches of bullet proof glass at every public speaking event, is proof that racism is still alive

Just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot everyone.

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My wife isn't speaking to me.

A man walks into a bar,looking all bummed out, and orders a drink. After a few minutes he orders another. About thirty minutes later he orders a few more drinks.
The bartenders asks," Dude you look really depressed. Is everything okay?"
The man explains," My wife and I got into big fight. She says she won't speak to me for 31 days."
The bartender asks," Well isn' t that a good thing."
The man replies," Sadly, tonight's the last night."

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God sees Adam in the Garden of Eden...

...and asks him how things are going with him and Eve. "Great!" Says Adam. "We just finished having sex! Sex is wonderful!" God asks, "Speaking of Eve, where is she?". To that Adam Replies "Oh, she's down at the beach washing up." God is furious. "WHAT? NOW I'LL NEVER GET THAT SMELL OFF OF THE FISH!"

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A joke told by an old man.

I was speaking to an old man at the grocery store yesterday when he told me something interesting about the olden days of america.

Old man: Son, back in the day my mother could give me a dollar and I could run to the store and get myself a candy bar and a soda pop, and still have money left over to buy the milk my mom asked me to get.

Me: Sucks you can not do that today!

Oldman: Yeah, I know son! Now a days, there is just way to much security . . .

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My wife isn't speaking to me anymore because apparently I ruined her birthday. I'm not sure how I did it.

I didn't even know it was her birthday!

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A man walks into a bar in Westeros

And the bartender says "stop speaking in third person Jaqen for fuck's sake"

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"This is your Captain speaking..."

"...if you look out of your window you will see a small yellow life raft floating in the sea. I am talking to you from there."

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Young Actor: "Dad, guess what? I've just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man who's been married for 30 years."

Father: "Well, keep at it, son. Maybe one day you'll get a speaking part."

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A teacher was speaking to her class about self-esteem.

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn't think anyone would stand up so she asked him, Why did you stand up? He answered, I didn't want to leave you standing up by yourself.

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I heard the Pope's first choice for a guest was in fact Hillary...

But he couldn't afford her speaking fees

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A guy was meeting his friend in the bar

As he walked in, he noticed two pretty girls looking at him. He heard one girl say to the other, "Nine." Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his buddy at the bar and told him that the girl in the corner had just rated him a nine out of ten. "Sorry to spoil your evening," said his friend, "but when I walked in they were speaking German"

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So a navy man returns to his ship after a night in port. The next morning he's shocked to find everyone speaking Russian...

Whoops, wrong sub.

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I replaced my best friend's lipstick with super glue.

She's not speaking to me

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A Bitter Army Veteran storms into a classroom and shouts "If it weren't for me you'd all be speaking German!"

"That's right" replies the German teacher.

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The more you weigh, the more attractive you are.

Gravitationally speaking.

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Mickey Mouse is speaking with a divorce attorney...

...and the attorney says, "I'm sorry Mickey, I've gone over all of Minnie's medical history and I find no evidence of mental illness."

To which Mickey replies, "I didn't say she's crazy! I said she's fucking Goofy!"

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My friend wrote a crossover of Dukes of Hazzard and Knight Rider

It was good, General Lee speaking.

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What are the best Speaking puns ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Speaking? Well, here are the best Speaking dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny pranks and Speaking pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes