Speaking Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Speaking puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Speaking

This is your captain speaking

AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING .

My wife asked for something shiny that goes from 0 - 200 in five seconds or less for our anniversary...

I bought her a scale. We're still not speaking.

A politicians promise

A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were.

We have 2 basic needs sir, replied the villager.

Firstly, we have a hospital, but there's no doctor.

On hearing this, politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem.

Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in this village.

Out in space two alien life forms are speaking with each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."
The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have them aimed at themselves."

A man walks into a bar and it's empty – it's just him and the bartender.

He sits down and orders a drink.

After a few seconds, he hears someone whisper, Pssst… I like your tie.

The man looks around but doesn't see anyone.

Pssst… that color looks nice on you.

He asks the bartender, Excuse me, but…are you speaking to me?

The bartender rolls his eyes and says, No, sorry about that. It's the peanuts… they're complimentary.

A man walks into a bar and notices two fat women.

They had obviously been drinking a lot, and were speaking loudly with heavy accents. After an hour he becomes annoyed with the noise, walks over to them and asks, "I'm sorry to interrupt, but are you two ladies from Scotland?"

"Wales, you idiot!", shouts the fattest one.

"I'm sorry," he says. "Are you two whales from Scotland?"

What do you call a group of confused Spanish speaking racists?

The ΒΏQuΓ© QuΓ© QuΓ©?

A woman and a man are lying in bed

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.

She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up and the man asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

Girls from England?

A guy walks into a bar and hears two women speaking in a British accent. He asks, "Are you ladies from England?" One says to him "No, it's Wales, you idiot!" So, then the guy says, "Okay, sorry. So, are you two whales from England?"

..Trump said "Buy american, Hire american"

Standing on an Ikea podium from *Sweden*, behind bullet proof by Saint Gobain Glass from *France*, smiling at a 4K Sony *Japanese* Video camera, speaking into a Dolby Sennheiser *German* microphone, with vigorous hand gestures giving a glimpse of a Rolex under the cuff made in *Switzerland*

he patriotically said ..*"Buy American, Hire American, Stop Immigrants".* while standing beside a *Slovenian wife*

A man goes to his Rabbi

"Rabbi, I think my wife is trying to poison me!"

"Very interesting," says the Rabbi. "Let me go and talk to her and see what I can find out."

A few hours later the Rabbi calls the man up.

"I've spent several hours speaking with your wife," he says.

"What should I do?" the man asked.

"Take the poison."

What is the difference between standup comedy, and motivational speaking?

Which side of the mic the depressed people are on.

A thousand years is a minute to God

A man was speaking to God and he asked him, "God is it true that to you a thousand years is a minute?"
"That's true," God replied.
"And is it true that to you $1,000,000 is like a penny?"
"That's true," God said.
"Well, you see I'm a poor man and I was wondering if you could give me a penny," asked the man.
"Sure," said God, "in a minute."

The country would be a lot better off if the South had won the war.....

...General Lee speaking

A guy meets his buddy at the bar.

He says, "I don't want to brag, but when I walked in, those two girls by the door looked at me, then both said to each other, 'nine' ". His buddy said, "Really? When I walked in, they were speaking German!"

So I tried Colgate for the first time.. was not impressed-

The tube said 'Guaranteed whiteness in 3 brushes". 3 brushes later, I'm still Asian.

(Speaking of still Asians, my grandma's a quadriplegic. She's a pretty still Asian)

I was speaking to a computer technician.

"How do you make a motherboard?" I asked him.

He said, "Tell her about my job."

What is the difference between a Joe Biden speech and a Donald Trump speech?

When Biden is speaking you wonder if he's had a stroke.

When Trump is speaking you wonder if you've had a stroke.

A man walks into a bar and spies two lovely women sitting by the entrance...

As he walks towards the bar, he sees one tap the other shoulder and point at him. She looks him up and down and says "9", followed by giggling. The man goes over to his buddy and boasts that the two lovely ladies by the entrance had said he was a 9.

"Yeah, sorry man, but when I walked in they were speaking German."

The fact that president Obama needs four inches of bullet proof glass at every public speaking event, is proof that racism is still alive

Just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot everyone.

My wife isn't speaking to me.

A man walks into a bar,looking all bummed out, and orders a drink. After a few minutes he orders another. About thirty minutes later he orders a few more drinks.
The bartenders asks," Dude you look really depressed. Is everything okay?"
The man explains," My wife and I got into big fight. She says she won't speak to me for 31 days."
The bartender asks," Well isn' t that a good thing."
The man replies," Sadly, tonight's the last night."

God sees Adam in the Garden of Eden...

...and asks him how things are going with him and Eve. "Great!" Says Adam. "We just finished having sex! Sex is wonderful!" God asks, "Speaking of Eve, where is she?". To that Adam Replies "Oh, she's down at the beach washing up." God is furious. "WHAT? NOW I'LL NEVER GET THAT SMELL OFF OF THE FISH!"

A joke told by an old man.

I was speaking to an old man at the grocery store yesterday when he told me something interesting about the olden days of america.

Old man: Son, back in the day my mother could give me a dollar and I could run to the store and get myself a candy bar and a soda pop, and still have money left over to buy the milk my mom asked me to get.

Me: Sucks you can not do that today!

Oldman: Yeah, I know son! Now a days, there is just way to much security . . .

My wife isn't speaking to me anymore because apparently I ruined her birthday. I'm not sure how I did it.

I didn't even know it was her birthday!

A man walks into a bar in Westeros

And the bartender says "stop speaking in third person Jaqen for fuck's sake"

"This is your Captain speaking..."

"...if you look out of your window you will see a small yellow life raft floating in the sea. I am talking to you from there."

Young Actor: "Dad, guess what? I've just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man who's been married for 30 years."

Father: "Well, keep at it, son. Maybe one day you'll get a speaking part."

A teacher was speaking to her class about self-esteem.

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn't think anyone would stand up so she asked him, Why did you stand up? He answered, I didn't want to leave you standing up by yourself.

I heard the Pope's first choice for a guest was in fact Hillary...

But he couldn't afford her speaking fees

A guy was meeting his friend in the bar

As he walked in, he noticed two pretty girls looking at him. He heard one girl say to the other, "Nine." Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his buddy at the bar and told him that the girl in the corner had just rated him a nine out of ten. "Sorry to spoil your evening," said his friend, "but when I walked in they were speaking German"

So a navy man returns to his ship after a night in port. The next morning he's shocked to find everyone speaking Russian...

Whoops, wrong sub.

I replaced my best friend's lipstick with super glue.

She's not speaking to me

A Bitter Army Veteran storms into a classroom and shouts "If it weren't for me you'd all be speaking German!"

"That's right" replies the German teacher.

The more you weigh, the more attractive you are.

Gravitationally speaking.

My friend wrote a crossover of Dukes of Hazzard and Knight Rider

It was good, General Lee speaking.

A teacher receives a phone call shortly before the school day starts

Caller: Mr. Brown, my son James will not come to school today because he is sick.

Teacher: Who am I speaking to please?

Caller: I am my father.

Two blondes speaking: - My boyfriend is a veterinarian.

- Oh, did he fight in a war?
- No, you dumbass, he doesn't eat meat.

My friend told me to stop speaking in numbers...

but I didn't 1 2.

Jesus told his desciples: "I tell you the truth, that Y = X^2 + 3X -5." But they didn't understand…

…because Jesus was speaking parabolically.

Jewish boy comes home from school and his mother and tells her he got in the school play. She asked him, "what part are you playing?" He said, "the husband!"

The mother grew furious and said, "you march right back there and demand they give you a speaking part."

A man was sitting in a bar...

A man was sitting in a bar when he noticed two ladies speaking in an English accent across from him. He went to them and asked:
"Are you ladies from England?"
The ladies said "It's wales you idiot"
The man goes "Sorry. Are you two whales from England?"

Speaking in German in Texas

In Texas, there is a town named New Braunfels, where there is a large
German-speaking population.

One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his
hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.

The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser
nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen." (Translated: "Glad to meet you!
Don't drink the water. The cows have crapped in it.")

The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for
Obama's health care plan. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."

The rancher replied: "Use both hands."

Who is calling?

The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational.

Paddy answered, "We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in."

There was a stony silence for a second or two.

''Do you know who you are speaking to?''

''No,'' said Paddy.

''It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred to.''

''Well, do you know who you are talking to?'' asked paddy

''No,'' roared the colonel.

''Well thank goodness for that,'' said paddy and hung up the phone.

A blonde goes into a library and, speaking clearly and loudly, orders a burger, fries and a milkshake.

The librarian rolls his eyes and says, exasperated, "This is a library, ma'am."
So the blonde leans in and whispers, "Sorry. I'll have a burger, fries, and a milkshake."

What's the difference between a German and a Scot?

The German knows when he's not speaking English.

An elderly man and woman enter the bar and ask the bartender for their usual drinks.

The bartender serves them, speaking to the man, "Mr. Johnson, it's been awhile since we saw you last, how are you and your wife doing? We were worried about you, the last time you came in you didn't seem to recognize or remember anyone."

The elderly gentleman responds, "Well, you know how it is when you start getting up in years… but I've been seeing a fantastic memory therapist. She's taught me some mental exercises that have helped me to remember all the important things in life."

The bartender says, "That's great! What's the therapist's name?"

The elderly gentleman looks confused before snapping his fingers, "What's that flower? The red one with thorns on its stem?"

The bartender answers, "A rose?"

"Yes, that's it," the older man smiles before turning to his wife, "Rose, what's the name of that therapist I've been seeing?"

A little boy gets home from school and says..

"Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."

The dad replied"Don't think about it, son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part."

How do you know you're speaking with an engineer?

Don't worry they'll tell you.

A man walks into a buffet...

He puts a sausage on his plate, and his German friend says "now you're speaking my language!".

Then, he adds a slice of pizza to his plate, and his Italian friend says "now you're speaking my language!".

Then, the man has an incredible urge to sneeze. He reaches for a napkin and raises it up, and his French friend says "now you're speaking my language!".

An Japanese man walks into a bank...

... and goes up to the teller. Even though he is new to speaking English, he says, "I wish to exchange 400 of my currency for US dollars. The teller proceeds to do so and they politely part ways. A few days pass and the Japanese man again walks into the bank, again to exchange the same amount currency. This time though, the teller hands him less than the previous exchange. Confused, he asked the teller, "Why have you given me less dollars than before?"
"Fluctuations," replies the teller, " the markets have changed."
"Fluctuations? FLUCTUATIONS!" The Japanese man exclaims, " Fluctu-Americans, too!"

I really don't understand why people consider alcohol to be a problem.

Chemically speaking, it's a solution.

In 1860, a man was given the job of teaching English to Indians (as they were called at the time).

He takes one of the Indian tribesmen out to the woods and is pointing things out and saying the word for it. "Tree. Stream. Rocks."

They go around a bend and right there in the trail there's another Indian humping a squaw's brains out. The English speaking man turns red and says "uhhhh... man riding bike."

The Indian pulls out his bow and fires two arrows, killing the couple. The English speaking man jumps back in horror and screams, "what did you do that for?!"

The Indian looks at him calmly and says, "man riding my bike."

Tom Jones' Disease

A Man goes to the Doctor and lays out his problems. He says whenever he sees a cat he yells "What's New, Pussycat?"
If he sees a woman while on the street, he exclaims "She's A Lady!" which is really driving his wife crazy.
And speaking of his wife he keeps calling her Delilah, when her name is Susan!

The doctor says "Considering your symptoms, it sounds like you have Tom Jones' Disease"

"Tom Jones' Disease? I've never heard of that! Is it rare?"

"It's not unusual"

The phone rang in the principal's office...

Principal: "Hello?"

Caller: "Umm yes hi, my son won't be coming to school today because he's got the flu."

Principal: "OK and who may I ask is speaking?"

Caller: "Umm my dad."

The Problem with Speaking English

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

An elderly priest is retiring

A catholic priest had served the church for over sixty years and finally decided that he was too old to continue the priesthood. He was giving a speech to the congregation.

"I remember when I first became a priest," he said. "I was terrified. I had never done public speaking before such a large audience before, and I was afraid I would mess up. To make matters worse, my first confession was terrible. Adultery, theft, gambling, tax fraud- luckily, it wasn't all like that."

The priest finishes his speech and sits down. Just then, the mayor walks in the door to give a closing to the ceremony.

"Sorry I'm late," he said. "The traffic was terrible. Our priest here will be dearly missed. I remember when he first became a priest. In fact, I was his first confession!"

A prince under a spell

A prince was put under a spell so that he could speak only one word each year. If he didn't speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words and so on.

One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady. He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her my darling. But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three more years.Β  At the end of these five years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he waited another four years.Β 

Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, he led the lady to the most romantic place in the kingdom and said, My darling, I love you! Will you marry me? Β 

And the lady said, Pardon?

A homeless man is sitting in a bar

After a few drinks he begins speaking to a young lady. The homeless man mentions he feels it's unfair that he be homeless, seeing as he has a college degree.

Startled, the young lady asks, "Well, what did you study in college?"

The homeless man replies, "I had a major in Biotechnology and a French Minor. I think it's my felon status that prevents me from getting a job"

Intrigued, the young lady asks, "What landed you in jail?"

Taking a sip from his drink, the homeless man answers "The French minor."

Did you hear about the Spanish speaking magician?

He counted from uno to dos and disappeared without a tres.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes