The Best 78 Speak Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Speak jokes. There are some speak talker jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these speak mandarin puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Speak Jokes and Puns

My girlfriend broke up with me because she says I'm too 'controlling'.

Funny thing is, I don't remember giving her permission to speak.

Tom went to the Police Station

Tom went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

You'll get your chance in court. said the Desk Sergeant.

No, no no! said Tom. I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!

My wife isn't speaking to me.

A man walks into a bar,looking all bummed out, and orders a drink. After a few minutes he orders another. About thirty minutes later he orders a few more drinks.
The bartenders asks," Dude you look really depressed. Is everything okay?"
The man explains," My wife and I got into big fight. She says she won't speak to me for 31 days."
The bartender asks," Well isn' t that a good thing."
The man replies," Sadly, tonight's the last night."

Speak joke, My wife isn't speaking to me.

I said to my girlfriend.....

I said to my girlfriend, "Now remember, my mother is very old, so speak nice and slow and very loud."

Then I said to my perfectly capable mother, "By the way, my girlfriend is slightly retarded."

What fun that was...

The first rule of thesaurus club is...

You do not talk, speak, communicate, orate, or converse about thesaurus club


My wife says I'm way too condescending

(That means I speak down to people)

no idea!

I told my boyfriend that my mom is old so she
needs to speak slowly and loud. Then I told
my mom my boyfriend is retarded. They have
no idea!

Speak joke, no idea!

So, an infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first mathematician orders a pint. The second orders half a pint. The third orders a quarter, the fourth orders an eighth, and the fifth orders a sixteenth. The sixth mathematician is about to speak up when the bartender interrupts him and puts two pints on the bar, saying "You guys don't know your limits."

Five guys in an Audi Quattro...

...arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian customs officer stops them and says,

"It'sa illegal to puta five people in a Quattro."

"What are you talking about?" the driver asked.

"Quattro meansa four, and you are five-a people."

"Quattro is just the name of the car."

"Don'ta think you can fool me! Quattro meansa four and you are five-a people, you are breakinga the law."

"You idiot! Call your supervisor, I need to speak with someone with more intelligence!"

"He can'ta come."

"Why not?"

"He'sa busy witha two guys in an Uno."

Terrifying Story

A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window. The startled passenger said "I didn't mean to frighten you, just wanted to ask you something." Taxi driver says "Not your fault Sir. It's my first day as a cab driver, I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years".

A drunk enters...

...a confessional booth. The priest is waiting for the sinner to speak up, but the drunk doesn't say a word. After a while the priest coughs... nothing... he coughs again... nothing. The priest was patient until now, but enough is enough: he starts banging on the wooden grid. The drunk finally speaks up:

"You're knocking to no avail, buddy... there ain't any toilet paper here either..."

You can explore speak tell reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean speak fluently dad jokes. There are also speak puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A priest started his Sunday sermon by saying...

... "Today's sermon is going to be about 'liars'. How many of you have read the 69th chapter of the gospel according to St Matthew? "

Nearly everyone raised their hands.

"You are exactly the people I want speak to. There is no 69th chapter of the gospel according to St Matthew."

Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish.

The results speak for themselves.

Told my GF: We haven't had sex for almost a month.

She replied: Speak for yourself.

I have a really good relatipnship with the elevator operator.

We speak to eachother on so many different levels.

First Rule of Thesaurus Club:

You don't talk, discuss, converse, speak, chat, confer, deliberate, gab, or gossip about Thesaurus Club.

Speak joke, First Rule of Thesaurus Club:

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first mathematician orders a beer. The second mathematician orders half a beer. The third mathematician orders a quarter of a beer. The fourth mathematician orders an eighth of a beer. Before the next one can speak, the rather annoyed bartender slams two beers down on the bar and says, "You guys really need to learn your limits!"

speak, three languages you are trilingual, two, bi-lingual, what do they call you if you only speak one language?

American

in mexico, we don't say "I love you"

cause we dont speak english.


My boss phoned me and he wasn't happy.

"You're late!" he yelled. "We've got an important meeting in ten minutes!"

I said, "I'm on my way to my car as we speak."

He said, "Do you think you'll make it?"

I said, "Probably, it's only a few feet away."

I can make you speak Irish

Say "Whale oil beef hooked" quickly

Jesus drove a Honda, but nobody knew about it.

For I did not speak of my own accord. - John 12:49

If someone who speaks 2 languages is Bilingual, whats someone who speaks 1 called?

American.

Obama, Putin and Merkel discuss their submarines.

All three are sitting at a resort by the seaside, and are arguing.

Obama begins by saying "American submarines are the best in the world, they can go for weeks without needing supplies!"

Putin laughs and tell them "Stupid globalists. Russian submarines are best in world, they go MONTHS without refueling."

Merkel opens her mouth to speak, when a submarine rises out of the water. A man opens the hatch and shouts "Heil Hitler! We need fuel!"

What kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christler. Oh no. Wait..

He drove a Honda.
But he didn't like talking about it.

John 12:49 :
> For I did not speak of my own Accord.

While I was living in Japan a woman approached me on the train...

She said to me, "What's black and white and red all over?"

"Wow," I said, "You can speak English?"

"Just a riddle," she said.

I was speaking to a computer technician.

"How do you make a motherboard?" I asked him.

He said, "Tell her about my job."

Why couldn't the apple speak to the orange ?

because he didn't know Mandarin

4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

I really hate babies.

A man goes to Japan on business and hires a prostitute.

He doesn't speak any Japanese and she barely speaks any English. While they are going at it she yells out, "Gama Su! Gama Su!" Knowing that she has been satisfied he goes to bed.

The next day he plays golf and one of his associates gets a hole in one. Everyone goes crazy, so to enjoy in the excitement he yells, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"

Everybody goes silent and one of his Japanese associates says, "What do you mean wrong hole?"

If you speak two languages you're bilingual, if you speak four languages you're quadrilingual, if you speak one language...

you're American.

What's the difference between a refugee and E.T.?

E.T. could speak English and wanted to go home.

An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first says, I'll have a beer. The second says, I'll have half a beer. The third says, I'll have a quarter of a beer. Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. Come on, now, he says to the group, You guys have got to learn your limits.

The doctor said my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again.

I can't tell you how upset I am.

My biology teacher grew human vocal chords from stem cells in the lab, the results...

... speak for themselves

Once I got kicked out of a library for being a mime.

Because actions speak louder than words

What language does your stomach speak?

Hungarian!

The first rule about Thesaurus club is

that you do not talk, speak, prattle, whisper, chatter, mumble, rant, articulate, babble, describe, divulge, drone, confer, deliberate, squeal, or converse about Thesaurus Club.

Bringing her home to meet mother

I told my new girlfriend that my mother was very hard of hearing and that she should speak loud and slow. I told my mother that my girlfriend was mentally challenged and to please be polite.
I'm looking forward to Christmas dinner.

If someone who speaks two languages is bilingual, and someone who speaks three languages is trilingual, what do you call someone who speaks only one language?

American.

I'm introducing my girlfriend to my parents for the first time tonight

I told my girlfriend my parents were partially deaf, so she has to speak loud and slow. I told my parents my girlfriend is retarded.....this should be an interesting night.

Friend who lives in Russia told me this joke

(English isn't my first language, sorry if the translation isn't the best)

The phone rings at 10 Downing Street.

- Hello, mister Putin would like to speak with Theresa May.

- I'm afraid she's currently sleeping.

- Very well, if she wakes up please tell her that mister Putin would like to talk to her.

- Will do.

- Thank you. *hangs up*

- Wait. What do you mean "if"?

My dad would swear and then say, "Excuse my French"

One day the teacher asked if anyone could speak a foreign language and I raised my hand.

A sad man at the bar

A man sat at a bar looking really depressed. Why the long face? asked the bartender
Well, my wife got mad at me and wouldn't speak to me for a month.
What! That's a blessing in disguise! You'll get peace and quiet for a whole month, said the bartender.
The problem is, replied the man, today's the last day.

I ran my car into a pole late last night

The worst part was the awful sound it made, but I don't speak polish so I just kept driving

When Kim Jong-Un met Donald Trump some questioned whether he could actually speak English

It has now been reported that Trump actually managed several sentences in almost fluent English.

I told my girlfriend that mom is deaf, so be sure to speak loud and slow…

Told mom that my girlfriend is retarded…

I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf...

So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.

I told my mother that my new girl friend is disabled. Now we wait.

What language does the post office at Hogwarts speak?

Parceltongue

Old German joke

An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, The soup is cold."

His astonished mother exclaimed, Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"

The boy looked at her and replied, Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."

If you speak three languages you are trilingual, two languages bilingual and if you speak but one language you are...

An American

If you speak three languages you are trilingual. If you speak two languages you are bilingual. But what do you call someone who speaks one language?

American

Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc on her keyboard?

Because she wanted to speak to the Task Manager!

My dad died, and I wanted to talk to him in the afterlife.

So I went to a woman who could speak with the dead. I told her my situation, and described my dad. She went into a trance and, after a few moments, said "I'm communing with your father."

Then she smiled, so I punched her.

"What did you do that for?!" she demanded, shocked.

"It's what my dad would have wanted," I told her. "He always said it's important to strike a happy medium."

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead: "I'm afraid he died last week," she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you," the wife replies, "he died last week." The day after he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts: "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"

"Cos" He replies laughing, "I just love hearing it..."

What language do squids speak?

Inklish.

*A joke my really high bf just made, we don't know if it's been said before but here it is anyway*

A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

What are you reading, old man? he asks.

I'm learning Hebrew, comrade, replies the old Jew.

The KGB agent asks, What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.

I'm learning Hebrew for when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham, replies the old man.

How do you know you're going to heaven? What if you go to hell? asks the KGB agent.

I already speak Russian."

When a kid says

When a kid says " Daddy, I want mommy", that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."

Why don't A.I. engineers need a resume?

They just let their projects speak for themselves.

If someone who speaks three languages is called trilingual and someone who speaks two languages is called bilingual, what do you call someone who speaks only one language?

American

Due to the recent cutbacks caused by the coronavirus Bruce was told he had to terminate one of his compliance managers.

Alice and Jack we're both exemplary employees and he honestly had no idea which one he would get rid of, but being an honest man he decided he'd speak to them both ahead of time thinking that it might help him make his decision. He called in Alice first and he said listen, I've either got to lay you or Jack off. Without batting an eye she responded "you better jack off, I have a terrible headache."

The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.

The Pope says to Trump, Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!

Trump replies, I seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Show me!

So the Pope slapped him.

Every day as i walk to the bus stop I speak with a 93 year old man with alzheimers who sits on his rocking chair looking over his yard with a concerned expression.

He musters his strength and calls out to me "hey.. have y-you seen m-my wife?" And every day i have to tell him "I'm so sorry.. your wife has passed away 10 years ago". Ive considered not telling him but my mornings always feel better after I see the look of sheer joy on his face.

A man was dumping toxic waste into a river.

Suddenly, the sky darkened, lightning flashed, and a glowing woman appeared, hovering above the river.

**"For your crimes, I curse you to only speak in words related to water!",** she intoned, and then vanished in another flash of lightning.

The man stood, shocked, before gathering his wits and muttering, "Well dam".

When I was in Japan I was asked by a woman on the train, "What's black and white and red all over?"

"Wow" I replied. "You speak English?"

She replied, "Just a riddle".

If your partner confesses that they cheated on you......

If your partner confesses that they cheated on you, I know the temptation is to ask, with who?

But that's inappropriate. Avoid it.

Instead ask, with whom? It is important to speak good English.

A German boy never uttered a single word growing up.

Then ,one day, aged 5, while sitting at breakfast, he looked up from his plate and said in perfect German - 'The toast is burnt'...to which the family were amazed at. 'You can speak, that's amazing, why have you never spoken until now?'


He replied: 'There was nothing wrong until now'

What language do Asian Karen's speak?

Demandarin.

Speaking of a big fat butt!

A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet.

"My cat is very fat, she says.

"Alright," says the vet. "I will look at him."

The vet picks up the cat and examines its teeth. Then she looks at its eyes. Then into its ears.

Finally, she turns to the girl and says, I'm very sorry. I'm going to have to put your cat down."

"Oh no! Because he's so fat?"

"Yes, says the doctor. My arms are very tired."

A German couple has a baby...

For 4 years he makes no sound, does not speak. Then one day the mother gives him soup, he says This soup is cold. The parents are amazed and ask If you can talk, why have you not spoken before? The child replies Up to now everything has been satisfactory!

A man joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence

He is told by the abbot that on the anniversary of his vow, he can speak one sentence. A year goes by and on the first anniversary, the monk says: "My bed is uncomfortable."

Another years goes by. On the anniversary, the monk tells the abbot: "The food is cold."

Yet another year goes by, and this time the monk says: "It's drafty in my cell."


The abbot throws up his hands. "Bitch, bitch, bitch, is that all you can do?!"

My boss called me. He was very angry.

"You're late!" he shrieked. "We've got a big meeting in five minutes!"

"I'm on my way to my car as we speak," I replied.

"Do you think you'll make it?" he asked desperately.

I said, "Probably, it's only a few feet away."

How to use Astrology to know about your relationship future:

If she starts to speak about your sign: run!

If she starts to speak about your sign and ascendent: run like hell, and never come back!

I was speaking to my friend today

I was speaking to my friend today who's parents just got back after a 3 week trip. I asked him, "How did you feel when you saw your parents after such a while?", to which he replied, "you know Im extremely unreactive!"
I then looked at him dead in the eyes and told him," How noble of you."

What language do postmen speak?

Parceltongue.

Why is the skeleton so timid?

He doesn't have the guts to speak up

4 million of these people...

### 4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

I really hate babies.

Face only a mother could love

A lady walks into a restaurant with her child. The waiter, showing her to her seat, says "Ma'am, that has got to be the ugliest baby I've ever seen." Upset and shaken, the woman turns to the group at the table beside her and asks what they would do after being so insulted. The gentleman speaks up and says "You should speak with the owner right away! Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."



Not the best joke, but it's not one I've seen here before.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the speak talk jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working speak pidgin piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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